Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his sexuality.  Celibacy does not resolve the problem.   Hence, the question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive.  

The following formula is suggested as a guideline.  Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described using the SAFE acronym:

1.  It is a SECRET.  Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.

2.  It is ABUSIVE to self or others.  Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.

3.  It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS.  If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.  Also, if sexuality is used to avoid the pleasurable feelings of monogamy , there is trouble.

4.  It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship.  Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.  Marriage takes a lot of work.  There are ups and downs in marriage, that is part of what makes a long-term marriage satisfying.  There is a great shared history.  If the addict avoids the work of commitment, he runs a huge risk of being sexual outside of marriage.

If the SAFE acronym applies to you, I urge you to get help.  

This material is taken from the book Out of the Shadows (pg 189).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Research shows that there are five predictable steps a man goes thru as he becomes addicted to pornography.  I'm not saying that everybody who looks at pornography becomes addicted to it.  However, porn has a powerful effect on men, their relationships and how they view women.  There is some research to indicate that pornography has a higher addiction potential than cocaine and harder to quit than cocaine.  It is believed that's how Ted Bundy got started. When the porn he was addicted to wasn't enough anymore, he tried the real thing — rape, and then murder. When he succeeded, he did it again. And again. Pornography addiction is very serious.

Five stages of addiction

1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.  The earlier a guy is exposed, the higher the chance for addiction.
2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.  You convince yourself that porn is normal and that everyone does it.  
3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.  You start getting into sadism, bondage, bestiality, etc.  You may even start mixing drugs with your porn experiences.  There is a very LARGE connection between cocaine use and sexual addictions.
4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.   The "highs" that you used to get last such a short time, that they feel almost nonexistent.  
5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.  They have affairs, one-night stands, multiple sexual encounters, etc.  They may even start to stalk women, unable to differentiate their sexual fantasies from reality.  Finally, they move to committing unwanted sexual activity and are arrested for their behavior.  

Some of you reading this may have already developed an addiction to porn. If you see any of the patterns I've described above in your life, you need to put the brakes on right now. Is porn beginning to control your life? You can't put it down — you keep going back for more? Perhaps you find yourself needing to see increasingly graphic pornography. You're masturbating more and more often. You're starting to take risks or act out physically for sexual thrills. If you see yourself at any point on this progression, you are in serious trouble, and you need to realize it — and get help.

This information is taken from the TROUBLED WITH site of Focus on the Family.  You can find this entry by clicking here.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"We're gonna put our money into a computer rather than marriage counseling."  This was a statement from a man with a rather troubled marriage.  "I don't think counseling is going to help us any.  We can spend time together in front of the computer and find good resources there."  I looked at his wife and she, in a rather pie-eyed fashion, gave her tacit permission towards her husband's solution to their many marriage troubles.  He proceeded with a rather lengthy story about how a new, more powerful computer, would be the solution not only to their family woes but also the difficulties in his marriage.  "We will gather around the computer as a family and make our computer a place of bonding, we'll become stronger if we invest in that rather than counseling."  I attempted to protest but he had won his wife over to his point of view.  They cancelled their remaining sessions and I never saw them again.

Do you think the computer helped this marriage?  A computer is amoral.  It is neither evil nor good.  It is what is done with the computer that brings in the morality.

I have been able to watch this man's behavior from a distance and unfortunately, his life has fallen apart.  His wife divorced him.  Several things transpired that she could not live with:  1) he used the computer for watching porn, 2) he used the computer to develop relationships with numerous women with whom he had affairs, 3) he was arrested for having sex with a patient, 4) he was also arrested for domestic violence and 5) he lost his medical license.  

The computer also affected his children.  One of his children became addicted to pornography (from the same computer), another was charged with sexual molestation and must now register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, the rest of his children have completely cut him off, wanting nothing to do with him.

I'm not saying that if they had continued in counseling that everything would have been perfect and these problems would not have occurred but I think it is ironic that the very thing he convinced his wife would solve all of their problems seriously contributed to his moral failure and the subsequent behavior of his family.  I'm also not saying that the computer was his main problem.  His main problem (in spite of claiming the name of Christian) was old-fashioned selfishness.  He was not allowing God to transform him.

I'm writing this to you to ask you a few questions:  

Into what are you pouring your time, energy and money?  
Have you convinced yourself that possessions will bring your happiness?  

Or have you invested your life into accountability, honest relationships and seeking God's will for your life?

God is very clear about His will:   It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.  Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

I have heard that this man is now trying to repair the damage he has done and is trying again to live a life that is pleasing to God.  I find that encouraging.

Please pray for him.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Impurity of the eyes and mind lives like a habit but fights like an addiction.  Many habits are addictive.  Smokers get the urge to smoke.  Drug users "get a jones."  Alcoholics get the shakes.  

For overcoming some addictions, the addictive source can be gradually reduced.  For others, the best method is cold turkey.  

What works best with sexual impurity?  Cold turkey.  You cannot just taper down.  Tapering down also brings with it the possibility of sexual binges that might go on for days.  Binges crush your spirit.

Cold turkey it must be.  

But how?

By totally starving your eyes of all things sensual except for your wife.  

For singles, this means starving your eyes of all things sensual.  This will help you overcome the desire for premarital sex with the women you date.  If you starve your eyes just like the married guys, you'll see your date as a person and not an object.

Taken from Every Man's Battle (pages 108-109).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Having accepted a counseling assignment for a year in a South American country, I met an interesting man.  In his broken English, he confessed, "I like dirty women."  

This man was a gynecologist, very educated and finally coming to the realization that he had a terrible problem.  In English, dirty can mean several things.  However, in Spanish, he was very clear.  He used the word, "sucia."  "Sucia" means physically dirty, unwashed.  He continued with other clear words, "Indigenas, indias, mujeres sucias..."    Translated, those words mean, "indigenous, indians, dirty women..."  He was talking about a people group that were indigenous in that area:  women from the Quechua people.  These people are typically considered lower class by those who don't have indian blood.  

Being educated and of Spanish descent, he considered himself to be superior to these people.  That was his quandary.  "Why do I like dirty women? I'm not attracted to pure blood women."  He went on to explain that he would sexually use some of his patients, but only the Quechua women.  He felt an attraction to women that he was not supposed to be attracted to, kinda like forbidden fruit.  He soothed his conscience by believing that he was only having sex with women who were beneath his station in life.  These people were essentially worthless in his mind.

He would trade his gynecological services for sexual favors with his patients.  He found that many times, he would not be refused because these women were poor and did not feel good about themselves.  "They couldn't say no because no one thinks they are attractive.  I flatter them..."

So, you can see this man has a terrible sin problem.  Actually, more than one.  Just to name a few:  1) prejudice, 2) sexism, 3) racism, 4) elitism, 5) compulsions, 6) fornication, etc...  Just plain sinfulness.  

As his story unfolded, he also revealed that he was addicted to marijuana, alcohol and painkillers.  Being a physician, he had no difficulty affording and obtaining these substances, especially when he would trade his gynecological services for these substances.  

He was raised in an environment with a very strong mother and a father who had abandoned him.   As we delved further into his upbringing, he noted that he was brought into sex early when his mother paid for a prostitute "to teach him how to be a man" as his father wasn't doing a good job at raising him.   He recalled his first sexual encounter at age eight with repeated exposure, at his mother's insistence, until he left for college at age sixteen.

In spite of his medical and financial success, this man knew that he was doomed.  "My soul is on the way to hell..."  Fortunately, this gentleman was receptive to God's working in his life.  He came for help because he had heard that hell was a place that he did not want to go.  As I was unable to follow this man due to not being around long enough to help him, I was able to hand him off to a pastor.  This pastor told him about God's redemptive power and discipled him.  He became very much like Zaccheus.  He repented of his sinful behavior and attempted to make restitution as best he could.  

This man's story teaches us that we are not doomed by the sins of our parents, doomed because we had a bad upbringing or doomed because we have abused people.  There is always room for God's offer of salvation.  It is never too late to do the right thing.

Is your life like this man's?  Or do you think that he is beneath you?  
In what kind of sin do you find yourself involved?  
It is never too late to do the right thing.  

If God can change this man, he can change you.

How bout it?

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.