Can you imagine a husband making a funny joke and then, at the punchline landing a solid jab to his wife’s shoulder? Of course not. It’s out of place (and perhaps domestic abuse). However, in the context of a male friendship such behavior is widely practiced and acceptable. What’s the difference? (I’m about to get profound here…) Simply, women are different then men. Husbands and wives are different. And this is a good thing, something to be celebrated.

However, it is also apparently an evasive truth. One of the most common non-spiritual, basic, counseling I give to a husband is: don’t treat your wife like a guy. Believe it or not, men seem to forget this fact about as often as we leave our dirty socks on the floor. One of the chief areas this is seen is the area of romance. Many men think that they can woo their wives by treating like men. We think that we can just snap our fingers or just jump right to physical intimacy without any regard for emotions.

Guys, this doesn’t work.

WE NEED TO KNOW THEM

Instead, what is right and what does work is understanding. Peter reminds husbands to live with their wives in an understanding (or knowledgeable) way (1 Pet. 3.7). Therefore, it is helpful to know what makes them tick. While I realize this task is virtually impossible to master it is possible to improve upon.

C.J. Mahaney once said something that really stuck with me, in reference to marital romance, “Before you touch her body, touch her heart and mind.” What is he saying? He is saying, you better not treat her like a guy! She is different. Therefore, if you know your wife, if you understand your wife, then you have got to do and say things that truly reach her heart.

Here are some suggestions.

THE KITCHEN SINK IS A PRETTY ROMANTIC PLACE

One of the ways husbands can do this is through service. I truly believe that some of the best romance in a marriage can happen at the kitchen sink. Instead of sitting around like a piece of furniture when you get home from work, husbands can go to the sink and help with the dishes or cleaning in the kitchen. As you are doing this you can talk about the day and serve by cleaning. Here you are entering into your wife’s world, listening, learning, and helping.

FACE TO FACE TIME IS INVALUABLE

Another way to learn your wife is to actually sit down and talk to her. And, talking while walking with your back turned or while checking the football score doesn’t count. I’m talking about eye to eye talking.

I should also stipulate that it is not always a good idea to talk all about yourself here. Remember you are trying to serve and learn your wife, therefore, listening and learning are good things to do. (Also be sensitive to your wife who loves you and wants to hear about you. Don’t be cryptic, nondescript, overly negative or prideful. Serve her by talking thoughtfully.)

One of the most treasured times in our evenings are when I get to sit and talk with Christie. When I get to hear her talk about her day and the various things the kids did. I am reminded of her love and sacrifice for them and she is reminded of my love for her and the children. This is a good and valuable time.

DATING THAT ENCOURAGES COMMUNICATION

Another way to learn is to go on dates with your wife. This is pretty obvious. However, a lot of guys take short cuts here. Too many guys are not thoughtful enough here. Going to movies, games, or double dates are fun but they don’t always deliver the level of communication and emotional intimacy that you may be after. If this is the extant of the dating, over the long haul, I don’t think it is going to really help the bottom line. Again, it works great for guys to hang out with one another but marriage requires a bit more thoughtful and intentional work.

BOTTOM LINE IS BEING THOUGHTFULLY INTENTIONAL

The bottom-line for guys is that we have got to be intentional in the romancing of our wives. We cannot become complacent or lazy. We cannot plateau or go backwards. It’s not an option.

One suggestion I have in addition to the above is to ask your wife how you are doing. Does she think you treat her like a guy? Does she think she is the most important person in the world to you? Does she feel like you know her? How does she rate your ability to romance her?

Listen, I don’t have this stuff all figured out. Trust me, these questions convict me too. But I know that my wife is worth it and I want her to feel and know she is loved. I trust many of you husbands can relate. Therefore, takes some time to think, chew on it, and then get to work. And if it’s helpful maybe you can punch me in the shoulder next time we bump into each other.

This post was written by Erik Raymond.  You can find the original post with comments here:  http://www.ordinarypastor.com/?p=10596


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Peter is very clear here.  



As husbands we are to:

1.  Be considerate as we live with our wife - Do you put up roadblocks to her happiness and to her success?  Being considerate is thinking about how to make her life better and easier.  Being considerate is acting upon those thoughts.  Consideration is asking, "can I do something for you?" and "is there something you need done?"  Consideration is trying to anticipate her needs and doing them before she asks.  

2.  Treat our wife with respect - Being respectful is treating her like she is the most important person in the world.  Having the niceties that a gentleman displays:  Saying please, thank you, excuse me, etc.  To respect her is to honor her.  Do you dishonor her with your actions?  Do you take her for granted?  Do you tell your children how wonderful she is and that they need to respect her like you do?   Are you brave enough to challenge your children to treat her like you do?

3.  Remember that she is an heir of the gracious gift of life - Most importantly, she is a child of God.  The Maker of the Universe, the Creator, has made her uniquely to serve His purposes.  Do you treat her like a Christian sister?   Do you encourage her spiritual growth?  Do you encourage her to spend time with other godly women?  Do you offer to take care of your children so that she can have some alone time with God?

"Christian husbands and wives share a common experience of grace and a common destiny of salvation.  A husband must honor his wife since she, as much as he, has access to God's grace in Christ.  In addition, since husbands and wives are partners together in grace, a husband's relationship with God will be affected for good or ill by his relationship with his wife.  When husbands treat their wives with consideration and honor, they are true to the nature of grace.  They are acting as God's people, and thus their relationship with God may be deepened through prayer (p. 1193)."

Peter is very clear here: 

If you don't honor your wife, your prayers will be hindered

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

I was fortunate to spend some alone time with my parents for a couple of days before our most recent family reunion started.  Even though my Dad is hard of hearing, and is difficult to communicate with, at 89 years of age, he is still teaching me about life.

While driving together, he told me about the financial decisions that he had recently made and how thru his acumen, he has been able to also sell and buy a few  vehicles for a profit.  One car he sold because he was sideswiped by a semi-truck.  In the middle of the conversation, he said, "God is really good to us.  We could have been killed by that truck.  If I had been a second slower we might not be here.  Also, by being sensitive to God's leading in the selling and buying of the vehicles, everyone got a fair deal."

The next morning, we were trimming the pecan tree that was in the back.  He had been waiting for me to visit so that he could get this job done.  The tree had overgrown the house and was hanging into the neighbor's yard.  We worked steadily for a couple of hours, hardly talking to each other.  Yet, there is something about a father and a son working together that builds upon intimacy.  We paused a couple of times to sit down and drink some water together (it was in 90 degree sunny weather).  We didn't talk about much, mostly the tree and how the squirrels steal the pecans and how he got a new BB  gun so that he could scare them away.  

The third thing he taught me was that his love for God is still alive and vibrant after all these years.  I love to hear my Dad pray.  He doesn't use a lot of flowery words or Elizabethan English.  He usually doesn't pray very long (however, I have been privy to some of the times when I heard him and my Mom pray for extended periods of time).  Yet, almost every prayer recognizes God's authority, our dependence on Him and a sincere thankfulness for God's provision.  

So, you may be reading this and think, "wow, I haven't told my Dad recently about how much I appreciate his influence in my life."  

If that is you, let him know.

Or you may be thinking, "I wish my Dad was like that."  

If that is you, rise to the challenge and be that kind of Dad for your kids.  

If you don't have kids, find a single mother of a young boy in your church and invest your life into his spiritual, emotional, physical growth.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Men need to be accepted by men.  A woman's acceptance is wonderful and fulfilling.  However, if a man does not have the acceptance of other men, he does not feel like a real man.  

This is the very reason why accountability groups can be so vital.  The true intimacy of friendship and acceptance actually heals the wounds so that the false intimacy of porn is no longer needed as a pain-killing medication.  The true intimacy of friendship takes the place of mind-numbing substances like alcohol and drugs.  The true intimacy of friendship pushes you to know God better.

Men know men.  Puffing your chest out and beating it to draw attention to how tough you are or how "manly" you are doesn't set well with men.  Men are not impressed with self-love.  Men are impressed with affirmation, honesty, truthfulness, and leadership.  

Men need godly principles upon which to stand.  Rejecting passivity, accepting responsibility and leading courageously are principles that lead to lasting relationships with our Savior, with each other, and with our community.

Even more important, men need to be accepted and affirmed by God, the Creator of men.  He made you the way that you are complete with your foibles and strengths.  He is the one that made you with your desire for intimacy.  No man is an island, no man is a rock, neither is he the walrus.

As we begin our Ironstrikes group, know that real men want to get together with other men.  They want to gain strength from each other, they want to let down their defenses and show their Achilles' Heel.  Real men join arm in arm together to bring the kingdom of God to their churches, to their families and to their communities.

Our organizational meeting will be starting soon, setting the second Saturday of each month as a time to get together.  We will be meeting on July 14th at the R.G.Holland Memorial Park in Fishers, IN at the shelter behind the children's play area.  We will start at 0830 and end before 1000.

Jesus just wants to hang out with you and share with you how to be like Him, our example of a real man.  Will you join HIM?

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

When I first started this blog, I had an entry that precedes this present entry.  That one is to be read in conjunction with this one. Click here to read that entry.  

After I posted the other entry, a Lt Colonel friend of mine responded about my impressions about the Colonel picking up a piece of trash.  My friend said, "in God's eyes, a Colonel has no more value than any one else.  A private is just as valuable as the Colonel.  Remember that military folks have ingrained in them that they should pick up garbage!" 

His statement made me think of how God desires immediate obedience.  When I told that to my friend, he replied, "Wouldn't it be great (santification does it) to be so in tune with the Holy Spirit that we would do the "right thing" not because it is a challenge, but simply because it is ingrained within us? "   When he said that, someone popped into my mind. 

I am thinking of someone who comes from America's greatest generation.  Actually, he's a tad bit young to fit into that generation; however, he embodies many of those qualities.  Better yet, he embodies the quality of "immediate obedience."  Since this is Memorial Day, we are to remember those who have fought for our country to retain our freedoms.  

If you look at that picture above, you will see my father-in-law.  When I think of a soldier, I think of this picture.  Then I think of the gentleman that he is and of the example he has provided for me over the last 28 years of knowing him.  I am a much better man because of his willingness to be "immediately obedient" to God's working thru him.  

So today, this Memorial Day, take the time to honor someone who has taken the time to show you what being a real man is like, being a gentleman's gentleman.  Let him know now before you don't have a chance to tell him.  Tell him that he is your inspiration. 

Thanks, Dad! (yes, he let's me call him that)

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

I was fortunate over the last three years to serve with our military in Germany.  My time there taught me two important lessons about being a gentleman.  One from a German and one from a U.S. Army Colonel.

I was on a German train traveling to a conference.  It was a bullet train and I reserved my seat (you have to pay extra to get a reservation).  When I got to my seat, a German man, a bit older than me, was sitting in my seat.  It didn't matter that there were other seats available, he was in MY seat and I had PAID for that seat.  I showed him my ticket and he got up and moved to an  empty seat.  What I didn't know was that he was sitting with his friends.  He moved across the aisle and continued his conversation.  I wasn't very friendly, I was upset that this guy could just sit in my seat.  But I put in my earphones, listened to my iPod and tried to not act angry.  As I sat there, listening to my CHRISTIAN music, God talked to me and said I was wrong.  I was full of myself and was not acting like Christ.  Finally, after several stops, I got up and went over to the man and apologized to him (in very broken German) and asked him to trade seats with me.  In perfect English, he said, "no, it was my fault.  It was my pleasure to let you sit there."  Now, I felt even more foolish.  This man said it was his "pleasure."  

On another occasion, I was at a US Military hotel in Seoul, Korea and I was standing at the deli, ordering a sandwich.  I noticed someone had taken the previous number and had thrown it on the ground.  I thought about picking it up, then I thought, "I didn't put it down there, I'm not picking it up."  I ordered  my sandwich and sat down.  Shortly after that, a Colonel came thru the line.  He saw the number that was on the ground and he bent over, picked it up and threw it away and then got back in line.  God spoke to me, He said, "so you thought you were too good to pick that up, huh?  Look at that Colonel.  Even though he is in charge and could have ordered a number of men to pick up that number, he did it himself."  Then I was reminded of the story of the Centurion in Matthew 8.  This Centurion was commended for his humility and faith.

So these two simple stories, I hope, help to spur you into thinking what it means to be a gentleman.  A gentleman thinks of others.  He doesn't get to thinking he is better than anyone else.  A gentleman doesn't think that he is above doing tasks that don't seem worthy.  

Yesterday at Target, when a woman ran over my toe with her shopping cart, I didn't erupt.  I told her not to worry about it.  When a man asked to sit next to me while I was waiting at the pharmacy for my prescription, I simply stated, "yes, it would be my pleasure."   

Are you willing to allow God to make you into a gentleman's gentleman?

For part two, click here

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.