Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his sexuality.  Celibacy does not resolve the problem.   Hence, the question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive.  

The following formula is suggested as a guideline.  Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described using the SAFE acronym:

1.  It is a SECRET.  Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.

2.  It is ABUSIVE to self or others.  Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.

3.  It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS.  If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.  Also, if sexuality is used to avoid the pleasurable feelings of monogamy , there is trouble.

4.  It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship.  Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.  Marriage takes a lot of work.  There are ups and downs in marriage, that is part of what makes a long-term marriage satisfying.  There is a great shared history.  If the addict avoids the work of commitment, he runs a huge risk of being sexual outside of marriage.

If the SAFE acronym applies to you, I urge you to get help.  

This material is taken from the book Out of the Shadows (pg 189).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"The back seat of my car can morph into a movie set (they’re usually filming some sort of Lifetime drama), a competitive arcade (we have more gaming electronics than HH Gregg), an MMA cage fighting ring (yes, the pastor’s kids know how to throw down), and even a courtroom (complete with opening arguments, character witnesses, and passionate cross-examination).

And all this in the 6 minute ride from our house to school each morning.

Three kids, two miles, one back seat. As chauffeur, it’s a strange mix of irritating and entertaining. Irrirtaining? As usual, my favorite display will undoubtedly erupt from the 6 year old.

“Emma, watch me blow a snot bubble with my nose.”

“Emma, look at me!”

“Emma!”

“Arghhhhhhh…..Emma! Look back here now!!!!”

“Dad, would you make Emma look at me!”

He’s demanding. Attention. Love. Acceptance. Approval. Laughs. And when big sis doesn’t give it to him, he starts to lose his mind. “Make her give it to me, dad! Make her! Make her!”As adults, we’re not much different. Just (well, sometimes) a bit more discreet. When someone ignores us, disagrees with us, disapproves of us, we absorb it so personally. And out of our deep insecurity we respond with indignation, shaking our fist (figuratively or perhaps at times Metta World Peace-ably) in the face of our offender…

“Love me!”

“Approve of me!”

“Respect me!”

“Agree with me!”

“Accept me!”

The only problem with this approach is that it’s both emotionally exhausting and completely ineffective. The more we demand love and respect, the less the other party desires to give it to us. It creates distance, not connection.

So here’s a little trick I learned from a good friend that’s given me immense freedom in this area of life. When someone disagrees with you, shames you, ignores you, refuses to give you what you want – don’t shake your fist and demand it.

Smile. Laugh.

Seriously, it’s simple and it’s empowering. Makes you much more comfortable with who you are, and much less likely to absorb the rejection you’re feeling inside. Sure it stings, but you can handle it. And the acceptance you’re longing for is much more likely to come if you’re respected. No one runs toward a whiny beggar.

God doesn’t demand love from us, so why should we try and demand it from others? It you have to force it (dad, make her look at me!), it’s not real anyway.

Is there someone who’s love, approval, and acceptance you long for? Are you trying to demand it?"

This post was written by Erik Cooper, an all around good guy and pastor.
For the original post with comments, click here

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN

"We're gonna put our money into a computer rather than marriage counseling."  This was a statement from a man with a rather troubled marriage.  "I don't think counseling is going to help us any.  We can spend time together in front of the computer and find good resources there."  I looked at his wife and she, in a rather pie-eyed fashion, gave her tacit permission towards her husband's solution to their many marriage troubles.  He proceeded with a rather lengthy story about how a new, more powerful computer, would be the solution not only to their family woes but also the difficulties in his marriage.  "We will gather around the computer as a family and make our computer a place of bonding, we'll become stronger if we invest in that rather than counseling."  I attempted to protest but he had won his wife over to his point of view.  They cancelled their remaining sessions and I never saw them again.

Do you think the computer helped this marriage?  A computer is amoral.  It is neither evil nor good.  It is what is done with the computer that brings in the morality.

I have been able to watch this man's behavior from a distance and unfortunately, his life has fallen apart.  His wife divorced him.  Several things transpired that she could not live with:  1) he used the computer for watching porn, 2) he used the computer to develop relationships with numerous women with whom he had affairs, 3) he was arrested for having sex with a patient, 4) he was also arrested for domestic violence and 5) he lost his medical license.  

The computer also affected his children.  One of his children became addicted to pornography (from the same computer), another was charged with sexual molestation and must now register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, the rest of his children have completely cut him off, wanting nothing to do with him.

I'm not saying that if they had continued in counseling that everything would have been perfect and these problems would not have occurred but I think it is ironic that the very thing he convinced his wife would solve all of their problems seriously contributed to his moral failure and the subsequent behavior of his family.  I'm also not saying that the computer was his main problem.  His main problem (in spite of claiming the name of Christian) was old-fashioned selfishness.  He was not allowing God to transform him.

I'm writing this to you to ask you a few questions:  

Into what are you pouring your time, energy and money?  
Have you convinced yourself that possessions will bring your happiness?  

Or have you invested your life into accountability, honest relationships and seeking God's will for your life?

God is very clear about His will:   It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.  Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

I have heard that this man is now trying to repair the damage he has done and is trying again to live a life that is pleasing to God.  I find that encouraging.

Please pray for him.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.