If you remember from yesterday's post, we discussed the 11 goals of teenagers.  Today, we are going to talk about proactive parenting of teenagers.

The overarching goal for teenagers is to make the adult in charge look stupid.  Therefore, it is important to not be sucked into this game.  Power struggles rarely work in interactions with teenagers.  Teenagers will challenge and  if you respond in an authoritarian manner, it won't work.  

A key sentence to remember in dealing with teenagers is this:

          RULES WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP LEADS TO REBELLION

What teenagers need more than anything from their parents is an honest, loving relationship.  To just mete out punishment for infractions won't go far in building a relationship with them.

Let me ask you a few questions:
1.  Do you spend time alone with your teenager doing something that s/he wants to do?
2.  Do you show an interest in things that interest him/her?
3.  Are the consequences of behavior logical?  For example, when caught speeding, does s/he lose car privileges or do you ban him/her from the computer?   The consequences of behavior need to be logical.  In other words, the consequences need to relate to the infraction.  
4.  Most importantly, are you a consistent Christian?  Teens can spot phoniness a mile away.  If you say one thing and do another, they will be turned off.  If you have "hidden" behaviors, they know it.  If they don't know it and then find out later, your integrity is down the tubes.  
5.  Do you live a life of openness and humility? Do they see you apologize to people when you are clearly wrong?  
6.  Do they see you respect everyone no matter who they are?  
7.  Do they see you love their mother?

These are just some simple steps to get you on your right foot with your teenager.  Think about these 7 questions.  

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Just like children, teenagers have motivations.  Research indicates that there are essentially 11 goals that teenagers have.  To understand these goals makes you a proactive parent.  If you figure out a teen's goal you will know how to handle it:

1.  Superiority - these teens must be the best at everything
2.  Conformity - Living up completely to the standards of established society
3.  Popularity - these teens accumulate as many friends and social contacts as possible.
4.  Defiance - these teens want to be in control or at least not controlled by adults
5.  Sexual promiscuity - these teens are highly active and defiant about their sexual behavior
6.  Inadequacy - these teens enjoy the victim role and seek consolation for their shortcomings
7.  Charm - these teens use smooth talk and pleasing manners
8.  Physical beauty or strength - these teenagers rely completely on their good looks, physical strength or abilities
9.  Sexism - these teens become overly stereotypical masculine or feminine
10.  Intellectuality - these teens value intelligence and study, read or discuss ideas most of the time
11.  Hyperreligiosity - these teens immerse themselves in religious ideas and activities.  All they talk about are religious ideas.

Tomorrow's post will discuss how to proactively parent teenagers.

To properly parent, it is important to know what motivates children.  If you can figure out a child's goal, then you can figure out how to best help them.  If you can identify the goals of a child you can plan your corrective action much more intelligently 

Research indicates that there are four basic goals for kids:

1.  Attention - Children want attention be it negative or positive.  Negative attention is better than no attention.
2.  Power - Children can openly rebel or be quietly stubborn
3.  Revenge - lying, stealing, or hurting others
4.  Inadequacy - This passive child relays the message, "Don't expect anything from me because I don't have anything to give."

CORRECTIVE ACTION - Four steps can help you to be proactive in your parenting.  These four steps can be remembered easily with the acronym CARE.

C - Catch yourself - don't yell, talk too much or preach.  Make action, not
             words, the principal means of conveying intentions.
A - Assess the child's goals - What goals are being served by the behavior?
R - Respond with consequences and encouragement -   Consequences 
             need to be logical and natural.  
E - Execute with consistency, friendliness, and respect -  Remember
             that rules without relationship leads to rebellion.

As Christian fathers, we are to discipline and instruct our children in a godly manner, to not exasperate them or provoke them to anger.  

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The number one thing that kids say that they don't like about their parents?   

         WHEN PARENTS YELL

One time, when my son was young, he came into the house and I stopped him on the front porch.  I don't remember what he did but I was madder than a hornet.  I was yelling at him and I heard my voice go across the street, hit the neighbor's house and come back and hit me in the face.  I sounded so stupid.  I was embarrassed.  I stopped yelling and told him that we would talk later when I was calmer.  

There is a simple principle that research has shown that reduces fights between parents and their kids.  This principle, is called the three T's.  If you follow these three T's, research indicates that  you will reduce fighting with your kids by 85%

T - Topic - When you have a disagreement with your child, concentrate on one topic.   Don't stray into other topics.  Stay on topic.  Tackle one thing at a time.

T - Timing - When you have a disagreement with your child, do it at a time when you can concentrate on the topic.  Do it at a time when you are not distracted by the phone, tv, etc.

T - Temper - If you can control your anger, the disagreement will be greatly lessened. 

In fact, research shows that the third T, temper, is the most important of the three.  God confirms this as well, "A man who controls his temper is better than a warrior who conquers a city."   

Interestingly, a few years later, my son was watching a performance where I   yelled in anger at another person on stage.  He turned to my wife (his mother) after I yelled and said, "I don't ever remember Dad yelling before."  When my wife told me that later, I was ecstatic.  He didn't remember my temper.  He recalled me as an even-tempered man.

So, I challenge you.  Control yourself and reduce fighting with your kids.
Follow the Three T's.  You'll be glad you did and so will your children.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.   Psalm 103:13-14

We are not very understanding or tolerant of our limitations. We forget how we are 'formed'. Instead of accepting our humanity as a good gift from God, we often find ourselves being harshly judgmental and unforgiving of ourselves. This lack of compassion can lead to self-abusive and self-neglectful behaviors. When we forget how we are formed, we can forget to take care of such  basic needs such as sleep, decent food and relaxation.

Fortunately, God does not forget how we are formed. God remembers. God knows we have limitations. God remembers that we are 'dust'. Because we are so intolerant of our limits, it is important to emphasize that the metaphor 'dust' in this text does not imply worthless. It is not that God remembers how worthless we are - just dust to be sweep up and thrown away . Quite to the contrary, God remembers our weakness and limitations and has compassion on us. Again, because we are so intolerant of our limits, it is also probably important to emphasize that 'compassion' is not 'pity'. God does not pity us poor, pathetic, helpless mortals. Quite to the contrary, God's compassion is the tender, loving care of a good parent towards a child.

God knows and respects our limitations. They are not a surprise to God. God is our Creator. God remembers what we tend to forget. God remembers that we are human.

Thank you, Lord, for remembering what I forget. 
You remember that I am human, 
that I need to sleep, 
that I need to play, 
that I have limited strength and ability. 
Thank you for having reasonable expectations of me. 
Thank you for understanding my limits. 
Help me to be compassionate with my humanness 
Even as you, Lord, 
are compassionate toward me. 
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

Raising boys has its own special challenges.  I was fortunate enough to have two sons who have grown into godly men.  They are excellent sons and husbands, men of whom I can be proud.

To the left is our family crest that my wife and I designed.  I've only raised two boys, so maybe I'm really lucky that they are so great or maybe it is more than luck.  

We instilled from them at an early age our family verse.  Psalm 23:4 "I will fear no evil because You are with me."  Also, we gave them three principles to live by:  1) reject passivity, 2) accept responsibility, and 3) lead courageously (see the book Raising a Modern Day Knight).

Further, we taught them how to respect their mother, knowing that would be how they would respect women and ultimately their wife.  One simple way to respect their mother was to raise and lower the toilet seat when using the restroom. 

There are three things that we did for them that made them see how a real man is supposed to be:

1)  I loved their mother and put her ahead of them.  They recall many nights I put them to bed with the idea that I needed to spend time alone with their mother.  If they cooperated and stayed in bed, they would notice that they would get along better with their mother the next day.  They believed me.

2)  They both had a "manhood ceremony."  This was a time that each of them met with me and several men, to "learn how to be a man."  These men each gave advice of how to be a man.  They all also said that they would be watching them and hold them accountable for proper conduct not only as a man but as a Christian as well.

3)  They learned that behavior had consequences.  Karyn and I were quick to show them our mistakes and the consequences of our behavior, even as adults.   We modeled forgiveness and respect.  They came to see their parents as real people whom they could love in spite of their imperfections.  Honesty in relationships is required.  To be in a relationship with someone meant to be real.  No phoniness allowed.

Now, we are not perfect parents and maybe we just lucked out by having really good sons.  However, we would like to think that godly parenting and prayer had a lot to do with it...I