Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his sexuality.  Celibacy does not resolve the problem.   Hence, the question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive.  

The following formula is suggested as a guideline.  Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described using the SAFE acronym:

1.  It is a SECRET.  Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.

2.  It is ABUSIVE to self or others.  Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.

3.  It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS.  If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.  Also, if sexuality is used to avoid the pleasurable feelings of monogamy , there is trouble.

4.  It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship.  Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.  Marriage takes a lot of work.  There are ups and downs in marriage, that is part of what makes a long-term marriage satisfying.  There is a great shared history.  If the addict avoids the work of commitment, he runs a huge risk of being sexual outside of marriage.

If the SAFE acronym applies to you, I urge you to get help.  

This material is taken from the book Out of the Shadows (pg 189).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Research shows that there are five predictable steps a man goes thru as he becomes addicted to pornography.  I'm not saying that everybody who looks at pornography becomes addicted to it.  However, porn has a powerful effect on men, their relationships and how they view women.  There is some research to indicate that pornography has a higher addiction potential than cocaine and harder to quit than cocaine.  It is believed that's how Ted Bundy got started. When the porn he was addicted to wasn't enough anymore, he tried the real thing — rape, and then murder. When he succeeded, he did it again. And again. Pornography addiction is very serious.

Five stages of addiction

1. Early exposure. Most guys who get addicted to porn start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.  The earlier a guy is exposed, the higher the chance for addiction.
2. Addiction. Later comes addiction. You keep coming back to porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You're hooked. You can't quit.  You convince yourself that porn is normal and that everyone does it.  
3. Escalation. After a while, escalation begins. You start to look for more and more graphic porn. You start using porn that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.  You start getting into sadism, bondage, bestiality, etc.  You may even start mixing drugs with your porn experiences.  There is a very LARGE connection between cocaine use and sexual addictions.
4. Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most graphic, degrading porn doesn't excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can't find it.   The "highs" that you used to get last such a short time, that they feel almost nonexistent.  
5. Acting out sexually. At this point, many men make a dangerous jump and start acting out sexually. They move from the paper and plastic images of porn to the real world.  They have affairs, one-night stands, multiple sexual encounters, etc.  They may even start to stalk women, unable to differentiate their sexual fantasies from reality.  Finally, they move to committing unwanted sexual activity and are arrested for their behavior.  

Some of you reading this may have already developed an addiction to porn. If you see any of the patterns I've described above in your life, you need to put the brakes on right now. Is porn beginning to control your life? You can't put it down — you keep going back for more? Perhaps you find yourself needing to see increasingly graphic pornography. You're masturbating more and more often. You're starting to take risks or act out physically for sexual thrills. If you see yourself at any point on this progression, you are in serious trouble, and you need to realize it — and get help.

This information is taken from the TROUBLED WITH site of Focus on the Family.  You can find this entry by clicking here.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"We're gonna put our money into a computer rather than marriage counseling."  This was a statement from a man with a rather troubled marriage.  "I don't think counseling is going to help us any.  We can spend time together in front of the computer and find good resources there."  I looked at his wife and she, in a rather pie-eyed fashion, gave her tacit permission towards her husband's solution to their many marriage troubles.  He proceeded with a rather lengthy story about how a new, more powerful computer, would be the solution not only to their family woes but also the difficulties in his marriage.  "We will gather around the computer as a family and make our computer a place of bonding, we'll become stronger if we invest in that rather than counseling."  I attempted to protest but he had won his wife over to his point of view.  They cancelled their remaining sessions and I never saw them again.

Do you think the computer helped this marriage?  A computer is amoral.  It is neither evil nor good.  It is what is done with the computer that brings in the morality.

I have been able to watch this man's behavior from a distance and unfortunately, his life has fallen apart.  His wife divorced him.  Several things transpired that she could not live with:  1) he used the computer for watching porn, 2) he used the computer to develop relationships with numerous women with whom he had affairs, 3) he was arrested for having sex with a patient, 4) he was also arrested for domestic violence and 5) he lost his medical license.  

The computer also affected his children.  One of his children became addicted to pornography (from the same computer), another was charged with sexual molestation and must now register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, the rest of his children have completely cut him off, wanting nothing to do with him.

I'm not saying that if they had continued in counseling that everything would have been perfect and these problems would not have occurred but I think it is ironic that the very thing he convinced his wife would solve all of their problems seriously contributed to his moral failure and the subsequent behavior of his family.  I'm also not saying that the computer was his main problem.  His main problem (in spite of claiming the name of Christian) was old-fashioned selfishness.  He was not allowing God to transform him.

I'm writing this to you to ask you a few questions:  

Into what are you pouring your time, energy and money?  
Have you convinced yourself that possessions will bring your happiness?  

Or have you invested your life into accountability, honest relationships and seeking God's will for your life?

God is very clear about His will:   It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.  Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

I have heard that this man is now trying to repair the damage he has done and is trying again to live a life that is pleasing to God.  I find that encouraging.

Please pray for him.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This is the second part of an interesting blog post on pornography.  To access the first part, click here.

The Witherspoon Institute's report concludes that Internet pornography damages the brain. Our brains are equipped with two pleasure-producing systems: one excitement based, the other satisfaction based (p. 19). The neurochemistry of appetitive-based pleasure is largely dopamine related and produces heightened tension (“I’m really hungry and can’t wait to eat”). The neurochemistry of relief-based pleasure hinges on the release of endorphins which provide euphoric bliss when an appetite is satisfied (“Wow, that was a great meal”). Viewing pornography “hyper-activates the appetitive system” with dopamine, creating a new map area in the brain. The brain (a “use-it-or-lose-it” organ) naturally hungers to stimulate this newly mapped area. The click of a mouse on a porn site over-excites the brain with dopamine which directly contributes to visual desensitization.

For porn users, such desensitization quickly results in an ever-increasing thirst for an ever-dissipating pleasure. In the realm of anticipatory pleasure, this leads to addiction. In the realm of satisfaction-based pleasure, this leads to sexual release which naturally brings the world of pornographic fantasy crashing headlong into the reality of social relationships.


TWI’s report also concludes that Internet pornography spawns debilitating social dysfunction. TWI concludes that pornographic stimulation siphons away one’s capacity for relational intimacy (p. 20-23) and decreases one’s capacity to experience sexual satisfaction with a real person (p. 38). Habitual pornographic stimulation, TWI’s research shows, replaces reality with fantasy and directly contributes to wide range of debilitating social maladies such as disrespect (particularly of women), the animalization of the sex act, relational brutality stemming from rape-like sexual fantasies, and self-gratification replacing intimacy between sexual partners. In a word, pornography destroys “the capacity for loving sexual relations” (p. 42), spawning widespread depression (p. 25, 38). The researchers conclude that the destructive influence upon the social fabric of our nation renders Internet pornography “one of the great social diseases” of our times (p. 43).

Every relational joy in healthy sex is assaulted when a person views pornography. Respect, patience, tenderness, gentleness, closeness, honesty, spiritual oneness, self-control, finding pleasure in, and bringing pleasure to, one’s partner as an expression of intimacy—all of this is fundamentally undermined by porn. Porn hardens one’s heart toward others. And this debilitating influence has a trickle-down effect on a myriad of other relationships, particularly in the way males view females.

Change is possibleWe have arrived at this juncture in our nation’s history by ignoring God’s creative design for our pleasure, and by spurning his loving counsel for our good and for his glory. God created sex. He designed the human body and mind to find inexpressible pleasure in sexual relations. He did not give us the capacity of this pleasure to glut self-centered interests. Indeed his counsel preserves us against using sex in such a way as to ruin relational health and prosperity. But as a society, we have spurned his counsel (Gen. 2:24-25, Exod. 20:14, Matt. 5:27-28, 1 Thess. 4:3-7). We should repent. But if only in the lesser light of the reasoned and studied declarations of TWI, do we intend to keep smoking this deliciously euphoric but deadly weed, or will we act to encourage winds of change to blow in fresher air?

Over the past half century, such winds blew in a new perspective on tobacco. In 1964 the majority of adult men smoked. Today that figure is nearing 20%. Battling on the new frontier of online pornography, TWI estimates that adult men in the U.S. view “pornography online more than they look at any other subject.” The TWI’s research indicates that “66% of 18-34-year-old men visit a pornographic site every month” (p. 10) and that “every second, there are approximately 28,258 internet users viewing pornography” (p. 14).

This obsession is eating away at the foundations of our culture’s moral and social stability. Due to Internet pornography’s realism, immediacy, and privacy, “nothing in the long history of erotica compares with” its addictive powers “and our moral intuitions are struggling to catch up” (p. 14, 17-19). Scientific research, governmental regulation, and public information campaigns combined to alter our society’s perspective on tobacco. The time has come to apply these same strategies to awaken America to the reality that the use of pornography is far from a harmless, victimless pleasure.

May God grant this nation the common grace to perceive porn’s suffocating affects and the will power to labor at clearing the air of this toxic cloud that hangs so ominously over our future. And may God’s people take the lead, not only through political activism, but on the force of their faithfulness to the God who called them out of darkness and into his marvelous light (1 Pet. 2:9).

Note that this is a reprint from the article A CALL TO SUFFOCATE PORNOGRAPHY.  It is duplicated here with permission of the blog owner.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

During both World Wars, the U.S. government supplied tobacco to our troops. By 1964, 46 percent of adults in this nation smoked—including inside public buildings, during commercial flights, and on televised advertisements. That year, with the help of Surgeon General Luther L. Terry’s book,Smoking and Health, the winds of change began to blow in fresher air.

In 1965 Congress required manufacturers to post health warnings on cigarette packs. In 1969 Congress outlawed tobacco advertising on television and radio. In 1989 smoking was banned on all domestic flights. In 2000 California banned smoking in public places, including bars and restaurants. Twenty-six states have since followed suit, including Minnesota which established an indoor smoking ban in 2007.

Today less than 20 percent of adults in the U.S. smoke. Over the last half century, scientific research, governmental regulation, and public information campaigns have combined to alter our society’s perspective on smoking. While tobacco usage remains legal, what once was widely regarded as a harmless pleasure is now deemed an addictive health hazard.

The Witherspoon InstituteThe Witherspoon Institute (TWI) recently proclaimed that what the U.S. has done with tobacco must now be done with Internet pornography. TWI first met in December 2008 at Princeton, NJ. Its participants published The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations, a brief summary of The Social Costs of Pornography: A Collection of Papers, edited by James R. Stoner, Jr., and Donna M. Hughes. It is vital to note that the signatories represent “every major shade of religious belief … from atheism and agnosticism to Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. Both the left and the right in American politics are represented, including social conservatism and contemporary feminism.” The signatories also supply a wide range of professional expertise in “economics, medicine, psychiatry, psychology, philosophy, sociality, journalism, and law” (p. 10).

TWI’s report claims to be the “first multifaceted, multidisciplinary, scholarly exploration in the internet age” seeking to “estimate the social costs of pornography” (p. 7). The signatories draw two conclusions. First, Internet pornography is as destructive socially as tobacco is physically. Second, the citizenry of the U.S. is as ignorant of this danger as we were of the ill-effects of tobacco prior to 1964.

“The received opinion on pornography in our day,” TWI asserts, is that “the consumption of pornographic imagery amounts to victimless personal entertainment.” This popular belief “is falsified by a growing, multidimensional, empirical record of pornography’s harms” (p. 9). TWI further asserts that “research and data suggest that the habitual use of pornography—and especially of Internet pornography—can have a range of damaging effects on human beings of all ages and both sexes, affecting their happiness, their productivity, their relationships with one another, and their functioning in society” (p. 10).

Pornography is no new phenomenon, as ancient Greek vase imagery and the volcanic preservation of the ancient resort city of Pompeii reveal (p. 8). Nor is concern over pornography’s ill-effects a groundbreaking development. The Surgeon General’s report in 1987 concluded that pornography stimulates “attitudes and behavior that lead to gravely negative consequences for individuals and for society,” impairing “the mental, emotional, and physical health of children and adults” (p. 8). What is new with the emergence of the Internet, and what has thus exponentially increased porn’s debilitating influence, is its ubiquity, ease of access, immediacy, realism, and hard-core nature (p. 17-19).

(Continued tomorrow)

Note that this is a reprint from the article A CALL TO SUFFOCATE PORNOGRAPHY.  It is duplicated here with permission of the blog owner.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we took a quiz on sex for men.  Today, we will explore the answers:

1.  Somewhat true.  Regardless of what some say, many men say they felt forced into unwanted sex to either prove themselves or comply with peer pressure.
2.  True.  Data suggests that "very religious" men are more vulnerable to sexual sin than "religious men."
3.  True.  High cholesterol can inhibit full erections.
4.  False.  Men do not experience menopause.  Hormones decline gradually but the majority of men remain sexually interested until they die.  However, frequency of sexual behavior does decline.
5.  False.  At first, when married, men decrease the frequency of their masturbation.  However, the behavior of masturbating to pornography that was learned in adolescence is often difficult to break.
6.  True.  Men in American culture are obsessed with giving and receiving oral sex.  However, many women find this type of sexual activity quite repugnant.
7.  False.  When men get married, lust does not subside.  Men must learn to redirect their arousal back to their spouse.
8.  True.  A sexually repressed upbringing creates excessive guilt around sexual feelings and may set up an obsessive need for masturbation.
9.  D.  Most men think about sex several times a day, often several times within the same hour. This does not change as a man grows older.
10.  D.  70% of men complain that they don't get enough sex compared with 58 % of women.
11.  B.  The average American male has his first sexual encounter at age 16.  However, as the age of puberty continues to drop, there are reports that many males have their first experience at age 11 or younger.
12.  D.  Most males have their sexual beliefs shaped by pornography.  Exposure begins before age 13.  Pornography distorts a man's view of how women feel about sex and what can be reasonably expected from sex and sets them up for disappointment.  Real women cannot possibly measure up to the air-brushed, color-enhanced, glossy photography that pornography teaches men is the standard.

Adapted from The Sexual Man:  Masculinity without guilt

Men have many concerns.  One  of every man's concerns is wondering if he is normal, especially in regard to his sex life.

Ponder your answer to these questions, and tomorrow, we will discuss the answers:

The first eight questions are answered "TRUE" or "FALSE"

1.  More men that women have experienced unwanted sexual intercourse.
2.  More "very religious" men cheat on their wives than religious men.
3.  Just as fat in the bloodstream can block arteries in the heart, so it starts to block blood flow in the penis preventing adequate erection.
4.  Men also experience a male menopause.
5.  After marriage, most men stop masturbating.
6.  According to most sex counselors, what most men complain about is not getting enough oral sex.
7.  Getting married remedies all the problems men have with lust.
8.  Boys who were sexually repressed while growing up are more likely to become obsessed with masturbation and pornography when they are grown up.

Choose which answer you believe is most correct for the remaining four:
9.  How often does the healthy, average male think about sex?
       a) once a month,           b) once a week,       c) once a day,       d) once an hour
10.  How many men complain that they don't get enough sex?
       a) 20%,                              b) 35%,                      c) 50%,                    d) 70%
11.  The average age at which the American male first has sex is:
       a) 14,                                   b) 16,                          c) 18,                        d) 20
12.  From where does the average young male learn about sex:
       a) parents & siblings,   b) friends,                c) books,                d) pornography


Adapted from The Sexual Man:  Masculinity without guilt