 Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his sexuality. Celibacy does not resolve the problem. Hence, the question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive. The following formula is suggested as a guideline. Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described using the SAFE acronym: 1. It is a SECRET. Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life. 2. It is ABUSIVE to self or others. Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system. 3. It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS. If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process. Also, if sexuality is used to avoid the pleasurable feelings of monogamy , there is trouble. 4. It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship. Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships. Marriage takes a lot of work. There are ups and downs in marriage, that is part of what makes a long-term marriage satisfying. There is a great shared history. If the addict avoids the work of commitment, he runs a huge risk of being sexual outside of marriage. If the SAFE acronym applies to you, I urge you to get help. This material is taken from the book Out of the Shadows (pg 189). BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.
 "We're gonna put our money into a computer rather than marriage counseling." This was a statement from a man with a rather troubled marriage. "I don't think counseling is going to help us any. We can spend time together in front of the computer and find good resources there." I looked at his wife and she, in a rather pie-eyed fashion, gave her tacit permission towards her husband's solution to their many marriage troubles. He proceeded with a rather lengthy story about how a new, more powerful computer, would be the solution not only to their family woes but also the difficulties in his marriage. "We will gather around the computer as a family and make our computer a place of bonding, we'll become stronger if we invest in that rather than counseling." I attempted to protest but he had won his wife over to his point of view. They cancelled their remaining sessions and I never saw them again. Do you think the computer helped this marriage? A computer is amoral. It is neither evil nor good. It is what is done with the computer that brings in the morality. I have been able to watch this man's behavior from a distance and unfortunately, his life has fallen apart. His wife divorced him. Several things transpired that she could not live with: 1) he used the computer for watching porn, 2) he used the computer to develop relationships with numerous women with whom he had affairs, 3) he was arrested for having sex with a patient, 4) he was also arrested for domestic violence and 5) he lost his medical license. The computer also affected his children. One of his children became addicted to pornography (from the same computer), another was charged with sexual molestation and must now register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, the rest of his children have completely cut him off, wanting nothing to do with him. I'm not saying that if they had continued in counseling that everything would have been perfect and these problems would not have occurred but I think it is ironic that the very thing he convinced his wife would solve all of their problems seriously contributed to his moral failure and the subsequent behavior of his family. I'm also not saying that the computer was his main problem. His main problem (in spite of claiming the name of Christian) was old-fashioned selfishness. He was not allowing God to transform him. I'm writing this to you to ask you a few questions: Into what are you pouring your time, energy and money? Have you convinced yourself that possessions will bring your happiness? Or have you invested your life into accountability, honest relationships and seeking God's will for your life? God is very clear about His will: It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.
I have heard that this man is now trying to repair the damage he has done and is trying again to live a life that is pleasing to God. I find that encouraging. Please pray for him. BE HOLY.BE A MAN.
 There have been a few times when I have been so angry, that I felt like slugging someone... Let me set this up for you. The church that I attended would put on a terrific Easter Musical every year. It was a great production and much of the community would go. It was quite popular. I enjoyed being part of it. I was at a fast food establishment and I overheard a conversation that I wish I had never heard. Two young men were talking about the Easter Musical. Since I was in the production, I listened intentionally. Then they started talking to each other about how to pick up girls. I heard the usual stupid man advice about showing off, flexing your muscles, driving a fast car, flattering, flirting, etc. However, what I heard next was REALLY DISGUSTING. I wish I hadn't been listening. One young man said, "I take girls to that Easter Musical that's going on right now. I cry when Jesus is on the cross and they get all emotional. Then, when I get them home, they are like putty in my hands. I can do anything I want and they never say no." He continued, "If I can't get a girl to go with me, I will hang out afterwards and talk to the girls that have been crying. It's pretty easy to pick one up when they're like that." It made my blood boil. I wanted to slug the guy or say something but I was so angry and in such shock, I just sat there in disbelief. Did you catch what was DISGUSTING about that conversation? God talks about this. He says, "They commit adultery with their eyes, and their desire for sin is never satisfied. They lure unstable people into sin..." Why is this disgusting? Did you catch what this young man said? He took the most wonderful and supreme act of love and perverted it for his own selfish, sinful advantage. And not only that, he took others with him. Do you find that disgusting? I have talked about several disgusting things on this blog. What makes this the most disgusting thing I have ever heard? Do you understand the gravity of this young man's statements? It is downright disgusting to use something that is holy for sin. To defile God's holiness with sin is a major affront to God. This conversation gave me a whole different perspective on God's Holiness and what it means to be a man. A real man takes God's Holiness seriously. That doesn't mean that a real man can't have fun and can't make light of some things that happen, even in a church. But a real man knows better than to defile God with sin. God and sin can NEVER be connected, even the slightest connection is abhorrent to God.Do you defile God's Holiness? Do you take Him seriously? God says we are to be holy in all we do. Never connect God to sin. BE HOLY.BE A MAN.
 If you recall from the previous post, we have a man who is being enticed by his own desire. An innocent phone call has lead to more... As I was telling this man about the potential disaster coming, he said, "Funny you should say that..." He then proceeded with this all to0 familiar story: This young lady suggested that they meet. It was a town that he visited on business often. She explained that she offered private services to help men feel more masculine and perform better in bed. She explained that he would enjoy it as "most men do." He went to the house that she and several other young women (who were working their way thru college too) used to "help men." There was never any intercourse. He was "learning how to let a woman be in charge." He found these lessons exhilarating. He paused in his story, "but, I'm not cheating!!! We aren't having sex and I really like how she makes me feel." It's as if he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me. I would love to be able to tell you that this man conquered this illicit behavior but I cannot. His life became a disaster. One night when he was talking to this young woman on the phone, his wife happened to be listening on the extension. The next day, when he got home from work, he found his belongings on the yard, the locks changed and a court injunction prohibiting him from ever seeing his wife again. The divorce proceedings were quick and he soon found himself on the street with no home. I haven't had any contact with him since. I don't know where he is and I don't know if he got help. I do pray for him, hoping that he has turned to God and is living a life that represents Christ well. Why do I tell you this story? I guess you need to know that it is easy for men to rationalize their sinful behavior. Men have a tendency to compartmentalize their behavior and think that their lives cannot be affected. God has something to say about this. "The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be." So, what is in your heart? Are you pretending? Ask God to give you a new heart. BE HOLY.BE A MAN.
 He sat across the table from me, trying to convince me that his behavior wasn't hurting anybody. "I'm not having sex, I'm just having some fun!" He proceeded to tell me his story. It's one that I have heard many times. Unfortunately. His behavior started fairly innocently. He was happily married but there were occasions that his wife would work late. During these times, on occasion, he would call a "chat line." The conversations started out innocent enough but he didn't realize that he was being fleeced. God speaks about this. He says, "with persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk." The young lady on the other end of the phone started flirting with him and tapped into his ego. The next time he called her, she talked about how wonderful he was and how he helped her not to feel so lonely. A few calls later, the trap was sprung. He gave her his credit card number so that she would "tell him things that she knew he wanted to hear." His calls continued with greater frequency. He would get out of bed where his wife was sleeping to call this young lady. She was always available to him and would say things that his wife would never say. He started to feel guilty and talked to the young lady about not calling her anymore. That is when she set the hook. She told him that she was a college student and that she needed the money to pay for school. She admitted that she did this with just a few men and that they "weren't doing anything wrong." He looked at me and said, "but, I'm not cheating!!! I'm not having sex with her. We're just having a little fun . No one's getting hurt and I'm helping her pay for her education." I cautioned him about his behavior. I explained to him what such behavior leads to. That's when he said, "funny you should say that...." (continued)
 After reading yesterday's post a good friend of mine wrote me. He is a professional dog trainer. He said, "I may have said the dogs natural impulses are bent and conditioned to serve the purposes of the trainer, and maybe made a parallel from there. " I really appreciate his feedback. I'm gonna follow his lead. Since we have dominion over creation, the natural impulses of animals, especially those that are domesticated , are to obey/fear us. However, we humans don't have a natural impulse to obey/fear God. Rather, we have a natural impulse to obey our natural impulses. We are handcuffed by our impulses. That's why it is so important to get our impulses under the control of God. God clearly talks about this. "So put to death your worldly impulses: sexual sin, impurity, passion, evil desire and greed..." If you feel overwhelmed by your impulses and feel defeated by your inability to resist temptation, know this: For every temptation, there is a way out. How do I know this? Because the Bible reminds us that God is faithful. He doesn't just create us and say, "Good luck! I hope you can ignore sin." God wants to work in your life so that you don't react impulsively but respond the way that He desires. God wants to remove that selfishness that's within you and transform you so that you learn to please Him. You learn "to serve the purposes of your trainer." What does "serving the purposes of your trainer" look like? Well, you change channels when Go Daddy puts up a sensuous commercial during the Super Bowl (since when do we need scantily clad women to sell website hosting?). You have paid channels blocked when you check into a hotel. You meet with men who hold each other accountable for godly behavior. You dump your porn. However, "serving the purposes of your trainer" goes beyond behavior. It goes to a heart change. God wants your sanctification. Sanctification means that you permit God to change you from the inside out and reserve you for His special purposes. Can you let that happen? Yes, you can. Are you humble enough to let God make you into a real man? Yes, you are. BE HOLY.BE A MAN.
 When I saw this photo of the It'll Do Motel, it reminded me of porn. This may be a fine hotel but it looks like those seedy hotels where porn ends up taking a man.
There was a man who was a Sunday School teacher and on his church board who struggled with porn. He would drive out of town, buy porn and then take it back to his garage where he would fantasize and masturbate. Then, in a fit of guilt, he would burn the porn in a "holy ritual" to get rid of porn's effects. He felt that he had his "addiction" under control because God revealed to him about how to perform this "holy ritual" so that he could still be a "man of God."
One nite, however, his "holy ritual" did not seem to remove his guilt. So, in his fervor, he drove around and ended up at a seedy establishment that promised sexual release. He went into this one room, by himself, where he was to stick a certain part of his anatomy into a hole in the curtain by the wall to be fellated. He imagined a young, beautiful woman on the other side and felt quite satisfied. However, as he was getting dressed, he saw a young man slipping out the side. He was struck with the thought, "what if that was the person and it really wasn't a young, beautiful woman?" The man felt totally devastated and decided that he needed to get professional help. He didn't realize that porn is insidious.
I would say that this man, once deciding to get professional help, did much better for quite a time.
Where did this man learn about porn? His story is consistent with most men's stories. Most men are introduced to porn by finding someone's stash.
He found his father's stash in the garage when he was young boy. It was "just car magazines" but he found himself attracted to the women who posed with these cars and was turned on by their provocative poses. As a young man, these magazines started a lifestyle of wasted time, energy and money, not to mention the toll on his spiritual life.
So, as a man, where are you? Are you looking at porn? Do you have a stash somewhere? Porn will win. It always does. It is stronger than a man's resolve.
I encourage you to get rid of that stash, find another man to be accountable to, talk to your pastor about your decision to get rid of porn. Then get into a men's group that talks about the tough things we men go thru and be open, transparent and accountable. Find a licensed Christian counselor and uncover your motivations so that you can, with God's help, kick porn to the curb.
Stop going to the It'll Do Motel and be a man of God. Go beyond It'll Do and be victorious. Don't squeak by, barely making it.
BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.
 I have never lived with cats before. When we moved to Indianapolis, Karyn wanted to replace our cat that she graciously gave up from our last move. So, we adopted two kittens that are sisters from the same litter. I always thought that animals didn't have personalities; however, these two are widely different from each other.
Lucy is a cat that investigates everything and if anything is missing, she is the culprit.
Ethel is a cat that prefers to watch Lucy get into trouble and sit on the sidelines. (Fitting that their names reflect their personality.) However, I noticed one thing that is similar about both of them. They act like they are the center of the universe. You know the old saying, "Dogs have owners but cats have staff." That adage seems to run true with Lucy and Ethel.
Funny thing, these cats remind me of my own selfishness. I can do pretty good and look out for others and try to serve Karyn but eventually, I resort to my old man and think, "I am God." I can tell you that when I think I'm God, I am not very much like God. God showed His Love thru sacrificing His Son Jesus. Jesus showed His Love by emptying Himself of His Godliness and "took the form of a servant (Phil 2:7)."
So, that is my challenge to you. Will you join me in putting yourself last? Know that this is not done by firm resolve. The only thing that keeps us men from being selfish is connecting with God regularly. Paul coined the term "I die every day." A godly man dies to selfishness, pride of life, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes because these are not from God but from the world.
Are you gonna be a real man?
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