Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his sexuality.  Celibacy does not resolve the problem.   Hence, the question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive.  

The following formula is suggested as a guideline.  Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described using the SAFE acronym:

1.  It is a SECRET.  Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.

2.  It is ABUSIVE to self or others.  Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.

3.  It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS.  If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.  Also, if sexuality is used to avoid the pleasurable feelings of monogamy , there is trouble.

4.  It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship.  Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.  Marriage takes a lot of work.  There are ups and downs in marriage, that is part of what makes a long-term marriage satisfying.  There is a great shared history.  If the addict avoids the work of commitment, he runs a huge risk of being sexual outside of marriage.

If the SAFE acronym applies to you, I urge you to get help.  

This material is taken from the book Out of the Shadows (pg 189).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

We've spent the last three days discussing how affairs happen and the fallout to having an affair.  Today, we will make a few pointers about fighting the temptation to stray from our marriages and families:


1.  Build the marriage relationship - Communication is the key here.  Staying in touch with each other's feelings, pressures and tensions will keep you focused on where your relationship needs work.  Caring enough to meet these mutual needs in your marriage will help make your relationship a meaningful one in which to be involved.  This kind of communication takes time.  Make time for each other.

2.  The affair process.  Read thru again the 12-step affair process.  Then read it with your spouse.  Come to mutual agreements about how to relate to the opposite sex.  The most important idea to remember is that all sin starts in the mind.  If we control it there, it cannot grow.  Turn your sexual fantasies toward your marriage.  Control your thoughts.  Pray for good dreams.  God will help you manage this sexual dimension in your life.

3.  Walk with God together.  Be regular in fellowship with Christians.  Be regular in worship.  Be regular in your devotional life.  Pray together as a couple.  Go to meetings for men at your church.  Men need to have a place where they can discuss openly and honestly with other men about the tensions and problems they encounter in life.  Find a place of ministry in your church.  Talk to your pastor, let him know your weaknesses and have him pray for you.  

4.  Count the cost.  It helps us to keep our heads in the real world if we think about the consequences of infidelity.  Think about how quickly your credibility and Christian witness would be compromised.  Don't think temptation will never happen to you.  No one is immune.  Think about the fact that sin grieves our Lord.  Think about how much it would hurt your wife, kids, parents, and in-laws.  Even though thinking of the consequences of our sin can help us resist temptation, we are only truly moral in a biblical sense when we refuse to sin primarily out of our love for God.

Our goal in developing moral character is to get to the place where we act faithfully and consistently simply because to do otherwise would bring harm to the person and cause of the God we love.

Only a real and lasting love for God will guard and buttress our fight against the enemy.  

This information is taken from TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we concluded our discussion of how an affair progresses thru predictable stages.  However, the consequences of such behavior are profound.  

Dr. Dobson states, "the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but it still has to be mowed."  Once the excitement of the early stages of the affair wear off, the new couple is forced to live real life again, life in the common place.  The man and woman suddenly have to face work thru personality adjustments.  They discover spiritual, emotional and physical imperfections in each other they have never noticed before.   Someone has to fix the cars, cook the meals, clean the house, run errands, mow the lawn, struggle with the finances.  

There is also a layer of distrust in the new relationship.  "If he cheated before, he can do it again..."  The trail of pain eats away at the new relationship.  Kids have been hurt.  A wife and a husband have been abandoned.  The complex and difficult relational network is hard to manage.  

Like wide-eyed children we enter into extra-marital affair.  Our eyes are wide open but for some reason we are blind to many of the realities that will become devastatingly  apparent later when the glitter fades.  It is OK to be childlike in some of the areas of our lives.  But we have to live in the real world.  Yes, we desperately want for the new relationship to work, to give us pleasure, the romance, the affirmation we felt was lacking in our former marriage.  But we have bought the lie, the hype, the brightly lit illusion, the propaganda that says we can gave everything we want simply by changing partners mid-stream.  It is very American to seek the quick fix; we are looking for the easy road to the real thing.

It is truly a tragedy.  Men and women change partners again and again chasing the illusion.  Many die lonely, empty people, lacking the love that they chased all their lives.  

Tomorrow, we will look at how to fight the temptation to stray...

The information from this post is taken from TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we discussed the first five steps that lead to an affair.  Today, we conclude our discussion:

6.  Private lingering - Soon the man & the woman find that they are still together long after the others have left.  Conversation shifts from ideas to feelings.  Caring is shared.  Conversation drifts into private and personal areas.  They still feel fine about the relationship because the meetings begin in public.

7.  Purposeful isolating - Now the man & the woman begin to plan times alone for "legitimate" purposes.  They may request the other to work on special projects at work that require them being alone or work late together.  He may ask her to help him sort out his marital problems.   They still deny any suggestions that their relationship is not completely appropriate.  At home, his wife notices a decrease in verbal & nonverbal communication.  He seems suddenly detached, cool, almost formal in his relating.  There may be uncompleted phone calls.

8.  Pleasurable isolating - Now the man & the woman are planning times alone with each other for the sheer enjoyment of being together.  The relationship takes on a youthful euphoria.  There is a shared experience of excitement and adventure with more intimacy occurring.  There is more touching.  His spouse notices that there are long blocks of time that are unaccounted for.  There is a noticeable decrease in pleasurable times in the marriage.  The relationship is still rationalized:  "It's OK to have good friends of the opposite sex, there is nothing wrong with being close friends.  After all, she understands me better than my wife."

9.  Affectionate embracing - There is embracing without letting go.  There is increased touching and playful caressing.  Childish games like tickling and wrestling are often played at this stage to increase physical contact.  The rationalization is that there is nothing wrong with physically expressing support for one another.  At the same time, affectionate embracing and physical contact decreases with his wife.  

10.  Passionate embracing - Affectionate touching and embracing lead to passionate interchanges.  The couple will still rationalize and say that it is fine to get aroused because it is innocent and unplanned, "Besides, my wife no longer makes me feel this way."

11.  Capitulation - The couple gives in to sexual intercourse.  Denial is eliminated at this stage.  There is no way to deny the reality of what they have done.

12.  Acceptance - Here they finally admit to themselves that they are in the throes of an affair.  If they continue, it is definitely a conscious choice.  The emotional investment in the affair is at its peak and the emotional investment in the marriage is at its lowest.  The man may find creative ways for his wife to discover the affair.  The tension of living a double life is usually too much for someone to bear for very long.

Is this the end of the story?  Do the man and woman live happily ever after?  Nope.  The story of an affair is not a comedy.  It is a huge tragedy with unbelievable fallout and consequences.

Tomorrow, we will discuss some of these consequences.

Much of this information is taken from the book, TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE

There are twelve common steps that usually occur in sequence as a relationship moves toward an adulterous affair.  These steps often occur over a long period of time, but a man and a woman can move thru these stages of an affair in a single evening.  Becoming aware of the steps helps us to recognize what might be happening to us so we can stop the process before we are in over our heads. 

Our two main enemies are rationalization and denial.  We rationalize when we give acceptable reasons for unacceptable thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Denial is our often intense refusal to recognize the truth about our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Sin can harden our hearts and darken our understanding, turning us away from God.  "Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

For example, a woman  rationalizes that God understood and accepted her numerous affairs because, after all, it was He who created within her this "need for other men."  A man lives in denial about his affair, "it's OK, because each time we have sex we end by praying together."

 I will briefly list the 12 steps here and in the subsequent post.  For a more complete understanding, you will need to read the book, TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE, from which this information is taken.

1.  Readiness - The first step is emotional readiness.  Something is occurring in a man's life that has him leaning away from the marriage.  This is a vulnerable time.  He needs to learn to recognize this and turn his energy toward regaining the full health of his marital relationship.

2.  Alertness - The second stage in the affair process is a growing awareness of a particular person in our web of relationships.  He begins simply by thinking occasionally about the other person.  The innocent thoughts turn to fantasy.  As she becomes more present in his conscious thoughts, she may begin to appear in dreams and the dreams are often filled with sexual fantasy.  Masturbating while fantasizing about her is common.

3.  Innocent meeting - Truly innocent, chance meetings, often legitimate business contacts can potentially build the relationship.  This is the stage where some flirtations can develop, prolonged eye contact, harmless sounding sexual innuendo, enticing body language, etc.

4.  Intentional meeting - Meetings occur frequently which appear to be by chance when in reality one person has acted in such a way as to increase the likelihood of the meeting.  He will hang out for extended periods of time hoping for the chance to "surprisingly" meet her.  The excitement of sexual attraction overpowers his rational side.  At this point, he has entered a real danger zone.

5.  Public lingering - The man & the woman now spend time together while in group settings.  They will tend to shut others out by turning away from the group and avoiding eye contact with others.  Observers know something is happening.  However, they would still deny any suggestion that this was more than normal adult relating.  The public setting help them to rationalize:  "It's fine to focus on her.  Nothing can happen.  We are with others."

Tomorrow, we will continue our discussion on how affairs happen...