I have a good Christian friend who fell into sexual sin this past weekend.  I'm very depressed about it.  His behavior was wrong and unacceptable.  He has admitted his sinful behavior and is seeking guidance and healing and restitution for the person that he victimized.  He will have to register as a sex offender and face how the public will now treat him.  Nevertheless, I will stand by him and help him restore a right relationship with Jesus.   

His behavior serves as a reminder to all of us, especially me, that hiding problems, attractions, and addictions does nothing but end you up in serious trouble.  Continual ignoring of these issues could result in an eternity away from God's presence.  

One of my favorite songs regarding this is by Phil Keaggy:

IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME

I heard the news today 
That another soldier tumbled, 
A fragile warrior slipped and fell from grace. 
The vultures swooped to tear his heart 
And pin him to the ground, 
And from the shadows someone took his place. 

Today we talk amongst ourselves, 
We never bought his words. 
We say we've seen the madness in his eyes. 
Tomorrow he's forgotten as 
We've scrubbed him from our hearts, 
And as he bleeds we slowly turn our eyes. 

But it could've been me, 
I could've been the one to lose my grip and fall. 
It could've been me, 
The one who's always standing tall. 
For unless you hold me tightly, Lord, 
And I can hold on too, 
Then tomorrow in the news 
It could be me, it could be me. 

And in our hearts we fear the ones 
Whose lives are like our own, 
Whose shadows dance like 
Demons in our minds. 
We think to push them far away, 
We exercise our souls, 
We make them play the tune for all mankind. 

Today we talk amongst ourselves, 
We never bought their words. 
We say we've seen the madness in their eyes. 
Tomorrow they're forgotten as 
We've scrubbed them from our hearts, 
And as they bleed we slowly turn our eyes. 

But it could've been me, 
I could've been the one to lose my grip and fall. 
It could've been me, 
The one who's always standing tall. 
For unless you hold me tightly, Lord, 
And I can hold on too, 
Then tomorrow in the news 
It could be me, it could be me. 

But I believe there is a place 
Where we can run and hide, 
When we know that we can't stand 
For one more day, 
And I believe You're waiting, Lord, 
To hold me very close 
For You know without Your love I'd lose my way. 

But it could've been me, 
I could've been the one to lose my grip and fall. 
It could've been me, 
The one who's always standing tall. 
For unless you hold me tightly, Lord, 
And I can hold on too, 
Then tomorrow in the news 
It could be me, it could be me.

You can hear this song here

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

I desire to be sexually pure. I want to be faithful to God, to my wife, to my family,  to my church, and to folks who read the blog. Here are some disciplines that I have found to help me to flee sexual temptation. These are not hard fast rules, each man is different, but this is what works for me:


Stay Close to God
I ask God to help me. I ask him to renew my mind. I ask him to keep the enemy away. I ask him to purify my sub conscience. I ask him to show me lies that I have believed, that have warped my sexuality. I ask him to heal me. He is faithful.  Staying close to God mean listening to His voice.  He knows when I’m tempted, and desires to protect me.  Staying close to God requires setting aside my rights.  If I sense a prompting from the Spirit to do something (like turn off the computer), I need to do it.  Staying close to God also means staying close to others who care – particularly my wife.

Be Accountable to my Wife
Almost every day my wife asks me this question, “Have you been good?”  Implicit in her question is whether or not I have looked at pornography or have entertained lustful thoughts. I can’t lie to my wife, and she can sense if I’m not fully honest.  So she keeps me accountable. I’m  thankful that I have a strong and confident wife who has the courage and strength to ask me these sorts of questions.  Word to the men out there: you can’t go alone.  You need someone else to keep you accountable.   If this issue is too hurtful for your wife (or if you’re single), you need some like-minded Christian men to keep you accountable.

Go to Bed on Time
This is kind of a no brainer, but it works. I’m most likely to be tempted when everyone else has gone to bed and when I’m tired.  If I go to bed on time, I avoid the temptation.  If I do happen to stay up late, my wife knows to ask me the question above.

Spend Time With My Wife and Family
One aspect of my personality is that I tend to focus exclusively on one thing at a time (like blogging!). Being focused is good when I want to accomplish a task, but it’s bad when it results in neglecting my family. It is a trait that can also lend itself to a selfish inward bent. And that bent leads to temptation.  So it’s important for me to set aside time to spend with my wife and family.  It results in stronger relationships with them, and keeps me from temptation.

Avoid the Triggers
There are certain triggers for sexual temptations.  With some deliberate planning I can usually avoid those triggers. The example above (going to bed) is one of them. Here’s another example: I enjoy reading news online. Some good news sites also promote articles on the side that trigger temptation for me – typically stuff about celebrities or fashion or whatever. Some of the worst are the English/UK news sites. So I liberally apply firefox addblock to block all of the images on those sites. No images, no trigger, and I can still read the news. Your triggers may be different, and you know what they are.  If not, ask God, and he will point them out to you.  Identify them and plan accordingly.

This post is written by fellow blogger, Kevin Jackson.  The original post can be found here.  It is reposted here with his permission.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This weekend, we moved to our new home.  Karyn and I would tease our kittens by telling them "behold, we go to prepare a place for you so that where we are you can be also."  Of course, Lucy and Ethel didn't recognize our spin on Jesus' promise.

As were moving belongings, we could see them sniffing at things and walking around trying to find their familiar surroundings which were gone.  Finally, when the entire move was done, we picked them up and placed them in their carrier.  They meowed and fussed the whole time until we got to our new house.  It was very uncomfortable for them to make the transition.

I was thinking about how my kittens are teaching me about eternity.  I am on the lookout for the familiar.   I am comfortable with my earthly home.  I have not the faintest clue what eternity with God will be like.  I can't imagine it.  At all.  I really have nothing to compare eternity to.  However, God has prepared a place for me and everyone else who accepts Jesus into their life as Savior, letting God's Holy Spirit have complete and absolute leadership.

Now, that we are kinda settled in, Lucy has become quite upset and is hissing and being very unfriendly.  However, Ethel has been quite positive and friendly, wanting extra time being petted and nuzzled.  

I would hope that when I get to heaven, I will be more like Ethel and less like Lucy.  But you never know, Lucy will probably come around.  

Now you may not think that living with a couple of kittens is heavenly but living with kittens can teach you something about how God works.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.  John 8:7

It is easy to judge other people. Judgmentalism and blame come naturally to us. Other people's faults and failures are not difficult to identify. Many of us can remember a time in our lives when throwing the first stone was not just easy - it was what we thought good Christians were supposed to do.

One of the most dramatic changes which takes place early in the recovery process is an increase in self-awareness. We begin to see patterns in our own lives that need changing. We see our own self destructive tendencies. We see how we have brought pain to others. As these insights dawn on us, we begin to lay down our stones.

Of course, as our self-awareness increases, many of us attempt to refocus the blame and judgmentalism from others onto ourselves. We can blame and judge ourselves as ruthlessly as we may once have blamed and judged others. But it's not really progress in recovery to give up throwing stones. . and then start banging our heads against a stone wall.

Judgmentalism and blame are not helpful in recovery. What makes recovery possible is when increased self-awareness leads to an increased capacity to experience forgiveness. Gradually we learn to accept forgiveness from God and others. We receive mercy. As a result, we begin to treat ourselves and others with mercy.

It is increased self-awareness and the humility which self-awareness makes possible that are the soil in which true community can grow. When we accept ourselves as humans even though we struggle and sometimes fail, we can become far more gentle with ourselves and with others.

Lord, you know how quick I have been to throw stones.
Thank you for the self awareness that has allowed me to see more clearly that 
I am not without sin.
I know that I am in need of forgiveness.
Give me the courage to accept your forgiveness and mercy
and in this way begin to live in true community
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

Dear Jesus, in all our relationships let our love be unconditional. May we seek others' true good, and affirm each other's unique preciousness. Even where we cannot detect Your presence in another, grant us faith in Your creative love for them. Grant us Your love and wisdom when we undervalue anyone, but also when anyone attracts us.

To see anyone's unique value is to acknowledge the goodness of Your Creation and the wonder of Your expression of Yourself in him or her! Grant us serenity and blessing for each other in our trials and in our joys. In Heaven, everyone will be in love with each other-that is, will recognize the wonderful, unique miracle of each other person. Help us to treat each other with love and consideration in this life.

Jesus I entreat You...Help those who are in danger of deciding to leave a marriage simply because initial attraction has worn off like gloss. Help them to put aside the prevalent belief gained in media, books, magazines and movies that 'falling out of love" means the end of a relationship. Instead it challenges couples to live according to what Jesus teaches about love. Help them to become aware that God never commanded that we 'fall in love" He only repeatedly tells us to love Him above all and to love others as ourselves, faithfully and genuinely even in times of sadness and difficulty. 

O God, grant us this prayer for marriage  through your son Jesus Christ our Lord  - Amen

Almost 30% of Fathers who get divorced never see their kids again. Over one million kids are directly affected by divorce each years.  In fact, a dead father has less of a negative impact on children than an absent father.  

These broken relationships cause great internal anguish and insecurity in boys, leaving them to seek intimacy wherever they can find it.  

Sexual sin flourishes in the wake of bad or broken relationships.  The splintering effects of divorce oshatter our worlds.  Teens, rather than feeling accepted and cherished by their parents, feel as though they have been cast aside.  They spend their lives searching for love and meaning, when it should have been provided in the home by a mother and a father.

One of the key components to making it through is teamwork.  Everyone needs supportive friends or groups.  Every man needs an intimate relationship with God.

Ultimately, men of all ages face the same challenge -- asking for help and being honest about emotions and struggles.  For most men, it's a major victory to come to the point of asking for help.  

Have you done that yet?

Taken from Every Young Man's Battle

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

If you remember from yesterday's post, we discussed the 11 goals of teenagers.  Today, we are going to talk about proactive parenting of teenagers.

The overarching goal for teenagers is to make the adult in charge look stupid.  Therefore, it is important to not be sucked into this game.  Power struggles rarely work in interactions with teenagers.  Teenagers will challenge and  if you respond in an authoritarian manner, it won't work.  

A key sentence to remember in dealing with teenagers is this:

          RULES WITHOUT RELATIONSHIP LEADS TO REBELLION

What teenagers need more than anything from their parents is an honest, loving relationship.  To just mete out punishment for infractions won't go far in building a relationship with them.

Let me ask you a few questions:
1.  Do you spend time alone with your teenager doing something that s/he wants to do?
2.  Do you show an interest in things that interest him/her?
3.  Are the consequences of behavior logical?  For example, when caught speeding, does s/he lose car privileges or do you ban him/her from the computer?   The consequences of behavior need to be logical.  In other words, the consequences need to relate to the infraction.  
4.  Most importantly, are you a consistent Christian?  Teens can spot phoniness a mile away.  If you say one thing and do another, they will be turned off.  If you have "hidden" behaviors, they know it.  If they don't know it and then find out later, your integrity is down the tubes.  
5.  Do you live a life of openness and humility? Do they see you apologize to people when you are clearly wrong?  
6.  Do they see you respect everyone no matter who they are?  
7.  Do they see you love their mother?

These are just some simple steps to get you on your right foot with your teenager.  Think about these 7 questions.  

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Just like children, teenagers have motivations.  Research indicates that there are essentially 11 goals that teenagers have.  To understand these goals makes you a proactive parent.  If you figure out a teen's goal you will know how to handle it:

1.  Superiority - these teens must be the best at everything
2.  Conformity - Living up completely to the standards of established society
3.  Popularity - these teens accumulate as many friends and social contacts as possible.
4.  Defiance - these teens want to be in control or at least not controlled by adults
5.  Sexual promiscuity - these teens are highly active and defiant about their sexual behavior
6.  Inadequacy - these teens enjoy the victim role and seek consolation for their shortcomings
7.  Charm - these teens use smooth talk and pleasing manners
8.  Physical beauty or strength - these teenagers rely completely on their good looks, physical strength or abilities
9.  Sexism - these teens become overly stereotypical masculine or feminine
10.  Intellectuality - these teens value intelligence and study, read or discuss ideas most of the time
11.  Hyperreligiosity - these teens immerse themselves in religious ideas and activities.  All they talk about are religious ideas.

Tomorrow's post will discuss how to proactively parent teenagers.

To properly parent, it is important to know what motivates children.  If you can figure out a child's goal, then you can figure out how to best help them.  If you can identify the goals of a child you can plan your corrective action much more intelligently 

Research indicates that there are four basic goals for kids:

1.  Attention - Children want attention be it negative or positive.  Negative attention is better than no attention.
2.  Power - Children can openly rebel or be quietly stubborn
3.  Revenge - lying, stealing, or hurting others
4.  Inadequacy - This passive child relays the message, "Don't expect anything from me because I don't have anything to give."

CORRECTIVE ACTION - Four steps can help you to be proactive in your parenting.  These four steps can be remembered easily with the acronym CARE.

C - Catch yourself - don't yell, talk too much or preach.  Make action, not
             words, the principal means of conveying intentions.
A - Assess the child's goals - What goals are being served by the behavior?
R - Respond with consequences and encouragement -   Consequences 
             need to be logical and natural.  
E - Execute with consistency, friendliness, and respect -  Remember
             that rules without relationship leads to rebellion.

As Christian fathers, we are to discipline and instruct our children in a godly manner, to not exasperate them or provoke them to anger.  

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The number one thing that kids say that they don't like about their parents?   

         WHEN PARENTS YELL

One time, when my son was young, he came into the house and I stopped him on the front porch.  I don't remember what he did but I was madder than a hornet.  I was yelling at him and I heard my voice go across the street, hit the neighbor's house and come back and hit me in the face.  I sounded so stupid.  I was embarrassed.  I stopped yelling and told him that we would talk later when I was calmer.  

There is a simple principle that research has shown that reduces fights between parents and their kids.  This principle, is called the three T's.  If you follow these three T's, research indicates that  you will reduce fighting with your kids by 85%

T - Topic - When you have a disagreement with your child, concentrate on one topic.   Don't stray into other topics.  Stay on topic.  Tackle one thing at a time.

T - Timing - When you have a disagreement with your child, do it at a time when you can concentrate on the topic.  Do it at a time when you are not distracted by the phone, tv, etc.

T - Temper - If you can control your anger, the disagreement will be greatly lessened. 

In fact, research shows that the third T, temper, is the most important of the three.  God confirms this as well, "A man who controls his temper is better than a warrior who conquers a city."   

Interestingly, a few years later, my son was watching a performance where I   yelled in anger at another person on stage.  He turned to my wife (his mother) after I yelled and said, "I don't ever remember Dad yelling before."  When my wife told me that later, I was ecstatic.  He didn't remember my temper.  He recalled me as an even-tempered man.

So, I challenge you.  Control yourself and reduce fighting with your kids.
Follow the Three T's.  You'll be glad you did and so will your children.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.