And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.- Genesis 1:3

I can remember many times in which I would venture out to my grandpa’s workshop when I was a child. He had barrels full of different types of wood, nails, saws, and everything else that could get a little boy in trouble. Often I would began building something and after about an hour….I would figure out what I was going to make. Usually, I would start nailing and then see what the creation looked like, and start making it look more like what I wanted it to eventually become. I can’t even count how many times I set out to make a pinewood derby car, and ended up with half a box. The fact is….I would often get tired of nailing and cutting so I would leave the creation on the bench and leave. My grandparents didn’t care though…it would keep us kids out of the house for a few hours.

God never gets tired of creating. Many humans are under the impression that creation stopped on the 6th day in the book of Genesis. The Bible indicates that God is constantly refining, rebuilding, recreating, and transforming things all around us….and within us. New babies are knit together in the womb everyday. New land is being formed and built under the surface of the ocean on a regular basis. Even the death of a tree implies life only a couple seasons away.

We often think that our problems are too cumbersome for God to handle. Or, perhaps we believe that God is too busy to hear our cry. Truth be told, God did not sit down in a workshop and fashion all of creation. He simply spoke. All matter that exists as of this moment was spoken into being by God. God’s plan is perfect and timely, yet it is born from the sound of His voice. His desire is to continue creation within us. With just a word….God can create light from the darkness that we are stumbling through.

We can find comfort in the power and gentleness that is found in our Creator.

-Landon DeCrastos

This post was written by Rev DeCrastos.  You can find the original post here:  http://otherwordsdotnet.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/spoken/

It’s no secret—porn is taking down church leaders left and right. If you’ve been in ministry for any time you’ve either: 1) watched a close friend lose their ministry because of it or 2) struggled with some form of pornography yourself.

Viewing porn is a major obstacle to experiencing the abundant life God gives us freely through the cross. Porn is enslaving and we were meant to be free. In recent studies we’ve also learned that viewing pornography makes us more likely to have an affair, more vulnerable to divorce, depression, and the guilt involved can often become numbing—rendering us ineffective for life and ministry. In short, viewing porn gives the enemy freedom to ruin our relationships, our ministries, and our churches.

As ministry leaders we need to do everything we can to protect ourselves. If we don’t take the necessary precautions—and stay intentional—we will leave ourselves open to this not-so-subtle sexual sin.   

Maybe you’ve never seen porn (although, I doubt it) or maybe you’re a recovering addict—no matter where you are on the spectrum, this (Screwtape-esque) list explores the ways in which we leave ourselves open to today’s most ardent leadership killer.   

10 Easy Ways to Look at Porn Without Getting Caught

1. Work late at night in a secluded office.  Sooner or later the temptation will sneak up on you. Access and solitude make a powerful mix for secret actions. No one will be around to know the dark things you’re about to click on. Working late sans safeguards is possibly the number one gateway to viewing porn.

2. Don’t develop close relationships.  Avoid being asked vulnerable questions about your life, your heart and your doctrine. Nothing makes us more prone to sexual sin than a lack of intimate, Christ-centered relationships.

3. Learn how to cover your trail.  Delete your Internet history often and make sure you don’t download an accountability program to help protect your eyes.

4. Let your personal prayer time dry up. You might be tempted to confess if you have a powerful prayer encounter with God—so it’s best to skip this time and fully embrace your guilt and forget about grace for a while. Surely you don't deserve it.

5. Convince yourself it’s just a one-time event.  Compromise is the name of the game—if it’s just once, and you ask for forgiveness, is it really worth the humiliation and potential damage to your relationships and your leadership?

6. Minimize your sin.  If you think it’s small, your chances of sharing or confessing your sin will almost disappear. Of course, there’s no “small” sins—you learned that in seminary—but forget that for a short time until the guilt subsides. 

7. Become a legalist.  If you spend time looking at the sins of others—it’s likely that you won’t confess your own. In fact, legalism is a great path for those hiding secret sins.

8. Separate your spiritual life from your personal life.  If you can make a successful dichotomy between your "christian life" and personal life then you’re well on your way to hiding your sin and guilt. This will (almost) ensure that you don’t get nailed for your private sins in public (at least for a while).

9. Don’t develop an open dialogue with your spouse about your struggles.  If you intentionally close down any vulnerable and touchy conversations about your faults, sin and your deep struggles—you’re likely to keep the whole porn problem under wraps as your little secret (until it’s not so secret).

10. Forget about the power of the gospel.  If you go for long enough without remembering the life-altering power of the resurrection, your new life and the grace freely given to you—you can live in hiding like Adam and Eve, covering up your most vulnerable spots on your own (for a while) without getting God in the mix.

Of course, if you really want to protect yourself from the pitfalls of porn ... you can do the opposite and take this list as a challenge to cultivate strong safeguards to help keep your heart, life and ministry pure.

This post is written by Brian Orme.  You can find the original post here:  http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-how-to/161864-10-easy-steps-to-look-at-porn-without-getting-caught.html?p=2

BE HOLY.
BE AMAN.

Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. 

There are three common but unhelpful ways of dealing with our failures and sins. 

First, there is denial. We tell ourselves that everybody has problems, so it doesn't really matter. Nothing of any value comes from this effort to cover-up. 

A second unhelpful strategy is to blame others for what has happened. This can range from different versions of 'the-devil-made-me-do-it' to 'I'm just a product of my environment'. Nothing of any value comes from this effort to cover-up. 


Thirdly, instead of turning the emotional energy outwards in blame we can turn it against ourselves as self-loathing. We see ourselves as monsters and what we have done as unforgivable. Nothing of value comes from this effort to atone for our own sins.

God invites us to another path. God invites us to be transformed. God invites us to stop denying, blaming and catastrophizing about our lives. In order to change and grow we need to face the reality of our actions and attitudes. 

We need to understand that our sins are like scarlet, like crimson. 

They are life-draining. Destructive. 

But we are forgivable. We are invited to receive forgiveness. 

And we are invited to change. 

The life-draining behaviors that we have pursued can be changed. Changed from bright red to snow white. We do not have to let denial, blame and shame lock us into destructive, hurtful patterns. We can be clean and sober. 

White as snow. 

Forgiven.

Lord, free me from denial.
The pretense is choking me to death.
Lord, free me from blame.
It's not working for me anymore.
Lord, free me from self-loathing
The shame is killing me.
Help me to face the truth.
Help me to accept your offer of forgiveness and change.
Make me white as snow.
Make me as clean and pure as new wool.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

Walking up the mountainside with my father that day felt very natural. We were traveling there to make a sacrifice to the god that my father called Yahweh. This was the only god that my father worshiped and he seemed to act as if he really spoke to this god. They actually had an intimate relationship…like they were best friends that had been through so much together. Father seemed a little upset and even nervous while we were heading to the altar site that day. He would not look me in the eye and he would answer my questions with short replies. He was talking to Yahweh the whole way. At first the conversation with Yahweh was friendly but then the mumblings sounded more frustrated. Nevertheless, my father seemed determined to give God honor.

After a long walk we finally made it to the site and set up the altar. I soon realized that dad forgot the offering. Obviously we were going to have to go back and get it. This happened one other time before and it was a long day. We had never been to this site before and I was looking at the two servants that were with us and they didn’t seem to notice. I should have said something before we left but I wasn’t paying attention. When I was about to mention the lack of a sacrificial animal my father turned to me and I noticed something alarming. His eyes were puffy, and his beard was soaked with tears. I could tell he had been crying for a long time. My memory went back to the night before when I was awakened by the sound of violent sobbing. Father was upset about something, and he was even pounding the walls…So, EVERYONE was awake.

I then mentioned the fact that we did not have a sacrifice and he looked as if he was angry that I mentioned it. Rather rudely he snapped back at me “God will provide a sacrifice”.  Ok then, remind me never to mention something like that again….he was obviously in a bad mood that day. He picked me up and put me on the altar. I wasn’t sure why but I imagined it was to test the sturdiness and how much weight it could hold. Then he raised the knife with his hand shaking. Wait……what was happening? Was I about to be the sacrifice?

Just then we heard a rustling sound. After that, a wimper… It was a beautiful and majestic ram caught in a bush. I then heard a booming voice and I could tell that it was God but I couldn’t understand the words. Dad did though… My father jumped higher than I have ever seen him jump and started laughing as if he were crazy. He kissed me and tossed me to the side like we were wrestling around at home. God provided a ram for us to sacrifice.

Later I found out more than I ever wanted to know about that day. I was the one that God asked my father to sacrifice. His beloved son. I can’t imagine the pain that my father was feeling after God asked him to take this step.  Looking down from my current perspective, and knowing what I do now I have made one main observation about this current generation. I have noticed that sometimes God asks us to do things we don’t understand. If we are obedient, blessings always follow. It’s rather simple really…but applicable to all generations.

-Isaac

This post is written by Rev DeCrastos.  For the original post go to:  http://otherwordsdotnet.wordpress.com/2012/08/07/isaac-reflects/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This post is preceded by "building monogamy" which should be read before this post as they went together when originally posted.  

Put simply, a direct correlation can be made between physical connection for a man and mental connection for a woman. The truth of this really hit home when I read Shaunti Feldhahn’s For Women Only. 

In her attempt to explain to women the significance of sex for men, she wrote,

"For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance—and just as dangerous to your marriage."

This explains a lot! What the body is to a man, the mind is to a woman. Women treasure mental intimacy like men prize physical intimacy. And just like men expect women to keep their bodies exclusively for them, women expect their men to do the same with their minds.

I am just now beginning to understand what women mean when they say the brain is a sex organ. And I am just now recognizing why a wife feels so betrayed when her husband allows pornography to fondle his mind. She is deeply wounded on at least two levels.

First, pornography violates a wife’s exclusive domain.Please bear with me as I illustrate the significance of this truth. My purpose is to help men appreciate the anguish women often experience, not to be offensive.

If you are a man, imagine your wife walking through a room full of men. They turn to notice her. Many leer. One reaches out and begins fondling intimate parts of her body. What do you hope she will do?

Every man hopes his wife will consider her body the exclusive domain of her husband, reserved for him alone—his eyes, his hands, his enjoyment—granting access to no other person. He hopes she will be offended, utterly outraged when touched by someone other than her husband. He hopes she will slap the violator’s hand away and then move quickly toward the exit. Every man expects his wife to guard her body from interloping hands, whether he’s present or not.

Now imagine the unthinkable. In response to the man touching her body, she pauses and smiles at him as he continues to grope. Another man sees an opportunity and touches another part of her. She doesn’t respond in kind, but she doesn’t rush for the door, either. In fact, she appears to enjoy the attention.

How do you feel right now?

This is how a woman feels when her husband allows sensual images to grope his mind, her exclusive domain.

Now imagine the additional pain you would experience if, after confronting your wife’s behavior, she justified or rationalized or minimized the incident. Oh, honey, it was harmless. I didn’t do anything in return. Besides, God made me an attractive woman; I can’t help what men try to do. The world is full of men who will try to touch me, should I lock myself away and avoid the whole world? You’re the only one for me, really. That incident didn’t mean anything!

There’s a lot of truth in what she says. She can’t help what a world full of men think or even try to do. Locking herself away isn’t a realistic answer. Perhaps to her it did mean nothing. But none of that is important. The facts are these: It meant something to you; she should care about that. She can’t control the actions of others; however, she can guard her response. She can’t stop men from leering, but she can avoid risky environments. Someday a man might try to touch her inappropriately, but she can slap his hand away and remove herself from the situation.

Sensual images seem less significant, less threatening to men. But not to women. A wife needs to know—not merely by her husband’s words, but by his behavior—that his mind is completely devoted to her. She understands that the world will continue to assault men with sensual images; nevertheless, she wants—no, she needs her man to protect and preserve what belongs to her.

Second, pornography destroys the foundation upon which a wife builds security.Based on more than twenty years of research and innumerable hours in couples’ therapy, Willard Harley reduced the needs of women to a single word: security.

“A sense of security is the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman’s five basic needs. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security.”

Pornography is almost always a secret sin, the core element of a hidden other life. When a woman discovers that her husband has been devoting portions of his mind to sexually gratifying images and then closing off those areas to her, the revelation shakes her world to its very foundation. She naturally begins to wonder what other terrible secrets occupy the mind she thought she knew so well. And if she had been so mistaken about knowing her man’s mind, how can she be certain of anything else? Furthermore, his dishonesty destroys her trust, the essential basis of any relationship.

Ironically, when men discover they are victims of adultery, they frequently describe similar thoughts.

While men struggle to understand why women place pornography in the same category with adultery, we must try; or, at the very least, accept the testimony of women at face value. For women, whose intimacy rests upon a foundation of mental connection, the effect of pornography on marriage is very much the same as outright adultery. It destroys intimacy. It betrays trust. And, even when undiscovered, viewing pornography creates emotional distance. In the end, women suffer the same physical, psychological, and spiritual anguish men experience as a result of adultery.

Men, let us always remember that the mind we protect is not ours alone. When we allow an enemy to enter, our mate suffers greater injury than we realize. Therefore, guard your heart with all diligence. Your heart is more than the wellspring of your own life; it is also her fortress.

This post was written by Mark Gaither.  For the original post complete with comments, go to:  http://www.covenanteyes.com/2009/07/27/is-porn-the-same-as-adultery/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN

Men and women in lasting relationships share four fundamental connections: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, men and women establish these connections in different order and give them different priority.


Men build monogamy upon a foundation of physical connection. By that, I don’t mean touching, necessarily. Physical connection involves much more. Men need to be physically present with a woman in order to bond with her emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He wants to be near her, to share time and experiences with her, to see her face and hear her voice, even before touching her for the first time. Physical connection is both primal and primary, which explains why men commonly dismiss long-distance relationships as futile, like having no relationship at all. This is not to suggest that men are fundamentally shallow; they simply experience the deeper aspects of intimacy by means of their physical senses.

Because physical connection comes first, physical connection remains foundational to intimacy. According to Willard Harley, author of the now-classic His Needs Her Needs, the top three relationship necessities for men are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, and a pleasing appearance—all sensory in nature.

Women, on the other hand, build monogamy on a foundation of mental connection, which is no less primal or primary than a man’s need to experience his mate through the five senses. In the beginning, when a woman is drawn to a man she finds interesting, she wants to know all about him, his character, his ideas, his interests, his goals. Being in his presence merely serves this need, but letters and long discussions by phone will do just as well. Generally speaking, a woman can tolerate a long-distance romance much better than a man, as long as she continues to experience a rich mental connection with her lover.

It should come as no surprise then, that this mental connection remains foundational to a woman’s experience of intimacy. According to Harley, she needs affection, conversation, and honesty/openness more than anything. While men automatically assume that affection means touching, women think of affection in terms of its mental and emotional significance. A tender note or an unexpected call “just because” are no less meaningful than a hug or a peck on the cheek.

In addition to affection, a wife needs conversation and honesty/openness from her husband. This mental connection to her husband is crucial to her sense of well-being.

To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. What has he done? What is he thinking or doing right now? What plans does he have? If she cannot trust the signals he sends . . . she has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship.

A woman experiences intimacy at its deepest levels when she enjoys complete access to her man’s mind. She feels closest and most secure when she can trust that he holds no secrets from her and when he freely shares his unfiltered, unedited thoughts with her. Even better when she enjoys exclusive access to his innermost self. So, when this connection is broken or violated, the fracture affects the entire foundation of her world.

The author of this post is Mark Gaither.  The original post with comments can be found here:  http://www.covenanteyes.com/2009/07/27/is-porn-the-same-as-adultery/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"I'm only gonna throw seed where it's gonna grow.  I don't want to waste my time on those who aren't gonna grow..." was the conclusion the pastor came to when he finished his sermon on the parable of the sower. 

This pastor was an amazing man. I had served on the church board with him and supported him to the church body.   The church had grown tremendously under his care.

Having just returned from the mission field after a year of service, things were noticeably different now in my church.  He seemed focused on the building project and being selective about his time.  Before, he was generous with the gospel and one could easily get in contact with him.   But now, he seemed secluded and sequestered.   He seemed unapproachable.

In my quandary, I sent a short letter to the missions board with whom I was just serving under asking for advice on how to deal with this pastor and church that I loved.  The next thing I know, that letter had been passed to the bishop, then to the superintendent, then to the pastor.  

The pastor called me into his office for a discussion.  

Unfortunately, this discussion did not go well and my loyalty was questioned and I was placed on "probation."  The next Sunday, the fellowship time before church was very arduous.  I recall a group of my friends standing in a circle and I came up to the circle to talk with them and the group dissipated.  I went to other friends and they were very short with me and discussions seemed strained.  I believed that it was my own paranoia and my perceptions so I gave it time and prayer.  

The following week a letter to the church from the board came out and my signature (as a board member) was on the bottom with other board members.  I knew I had neither approved of nor signed it and I asked the pastor about it.  He said, "oh, we have your signature digitized on the computer so we put it on there."  I told him that I was very uncomfortable with my signature being used without my actually signing it or approving of it.  Again, I was accused of not being a team player.

For the next few Sundays, it became increasingly difficult to attend.  Other board members would hardly speak with me, friends that I had in the church no longer acted like friends.    As this was a church in a denomination in which I was raised, this was difficult and I needed a firm answer from God if I was to stay or leave. 

It was agonizing.

I was waiting and praying for God to tell me what to do.  I attempted conversations but was repeatedly rebuffed.  The pastor would not meet with me.  I loved this church, this pastor and the people who attended there.

One Sunday, after church, as we were driving away, I looked back at the church and I saw a hand with a branding iron emblazoning the word "Ichabod" above the doorway.  I thought about Ichabod Crane from The  Legend of Sleepy Hollow.  I had no idea what the vision meant.  I had no idea that Ichabod was a biblical name, especially a name with a specific meaning.

Interestingly, that week, in my personal Bible study, I came upon this verse: "She named the boy Ichabod, saying, "The glory has departed from Israel"..."
Well, the verse hit me hard.  It was clear what God was saying.  Reluctantly, we started to attend another church.  About a month later, the pastor sent me a letter saying that he was sorry that I had left but understood why and wanted to reassure me that people wouldn't be bothering me about attending.  So, he tipped his hand.  He inadvertently let me know that he had told people about me.

 That hurt.  I had no idea what he told people about me.

As I write this, and the experience is well over 20 years ago, I still feel a loss.  

Interestingly, I heard that the pastor and this church left that denomination and became an independent church.   

The church is very large and appears to be helping a lot of people.  So, I don't know what it all means.  

I do know, however, that God was very clear with me about leaving.  I'm not saying that the church is bad or the pastor is bad.  I'm just saying that particular church was not for me.  There are a lot of good people in that church, people who earnestly want to do what God desires.

I still pray for God's direction in that church.  

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This is the follow-up to our anonymous blogger from yesterday.  

Sex was the fix for everything, whether it was with my wife, or some fantasy girl. Bored? Sex. Lonely? Sex. Angry? Sex. Tired? Sex. Sad? Sex. Happy? Sex. You get the idea. I was an addict. I felt shame for looking at porn. The shame perpetuated my loneliness and depression. So, I medicated those feelings with more porn. And round and round I went. It was sick. My desires became more and more deviant. I needed more and more. Even though there were often weeks and months between acting out, and I always prayed it would be the last time, it never was. I went to counseling again. I took pills for depression again. I got worse and worse again. This time it would get worse than ever. I felt no love for my wife. I just wanted to be married to some perfect woman that only existed in my deluded mind. Our marriage was falling apart and it was my fault. I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me alive was the fear of hell. I didn’t know if suicide would get you placed in the express lane for the lake of fire, but I wasn’t willing to gamble on that one.

However, I did get close to death once. I’m not entirely sure whether I was really trying to kill myself, or whether I was just crying out for help. But, for the reasons already given I tend to go with the latter. So, I harmed myself just enough to get me placed in a psychiatric ward, but not enough to get me six feet under. It was the loneliest, most agonizing 3 weeks of my life. I still wanted to die, but I feared that after death even greater pain would be waiting that I could never escape. My wife stayed at home alone for 3 weeks. Crying out to God, dying inside, weeping, caving in. I did that to her. I have to live with that. I hurt her severely. No one has loved me through so much pain as she as, other than Jesus Christ, Himself.

It was far from over after I got out. I thought about death more at that time than before I was admitted. I went through an intensive 6 week program for sexual addiction and depression. It kept me alive by giving me a place to be when all I wanted was to be dead. I have no excuses - no one to point a finger at. “Guard your eyes”, my mother said. But, I didn’t listen and people got hurt. I wish that had been the end of it. I wish I had come to my senses and left the old man lying dead in a ditch. But instead I invited him back from time to time, just as I always had. Dogs return to their vomit. Apparently,  addicts do, too. Then one day it hit me: This is psychotic. I cried out to God that it would be the last time. I prayed everyday that God would not lead me into temptation, but deliver me from evil. And He did, and He has, and He is. Though the intensity of the prayer has waned, I still very regularly ask God to keep me from that filth. It’s pure poison for the soul. Oh God, how I wish I had understood how vile it was, but I was a fool and I received the due penalty for my sin. The wages of sin is death. My body could have died, and my heart and soul did. but praise God, My savior makes all things new! 

I am the man who stands in the temple beating his chest saying: “God have mercy on me, a sinner!” God did not have to save me from myself. He didn’t have to give me grace upon grace upon grace. He didn’t have to die so that I could live despite the vile, despicable things I did. My wife had every reason to throw in the towel. In a sense, I was having multiple affairs with women I had never even met, in pictures and on websites. Somebody’s daughter. Somebody’s sister. Somebody’s mother. Somebody’s wife. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sin destroys and does so very efficiently. 

I owe everything to God. I owe a lifetime of love and faithfulness to my wife. I owe every person a debt of love, mercy, and grace. That is what was given to me. That is what I am expected to give to others as well. Heaven forbid I turn around and refuse to forgive others their debts after all that was forgiven on my account. I pray that God will help me to offer up myself to Him. The old man must stay dead. I couldn’t bear for him to come around again. By the grace of God I will continue to be renewed my the transforming of my mind so that not only that aspect of my life will be new, but that God would shine His Light in every dark crevice of my soul and weed out every last remnant of wickedness and narcissism, so that I would be wholly His and wholly faithful as a husband to my wife. 

Dear God, let it be so!

Anonymous will be reading your comments.  Feel free to to tell him what you think of his honesty.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This honest two-part post is by an anonymous blogger:

“Guard you eyes”, my mother said. Seemed simple enough. How hard can it be, right? Or, so I thought until I stumbled across an advertisement featuring young woman with a nude upper body. I wasn’t looking through a pornographic magazine. It was some mundane publication that my parents had left in the bathroom. I was living in Europe at the time and the censorship laws there are much more lenient than in the United States, so an occasional sexually charged advertisement wasn’t entirely uncommon. I believe I was about seven years old at the time – a very young age to be exposed to porn. Of course, then there were several “friends” along the way who were eager to show me their porn collections, or that of their father's, or uncle's. I was quite taken by these images, though I didn’t fully understand sex. And why should I at that age?

I guess every tragedy has to start somehow, and mine started the day I randomly flipped through that magazine. Looking back, I suppose far worse things could have happened as a result of my poor choices. At the dawn of the internet, while I was still living with my parents, the fear of my parents finding out what I had could have been looking at on the computer kept from seeking out porn online. Fortunately, I wasn’t savvy enough to cover my tracks for quite some time. But, there were still those lenient censorship laws. I spent many a late night waiting for an erotic film to be shown. If nothing was broadcast to my liking I inevitably settled for the phone sex advertisements. I never called, but the girls were pretty - most of the time.

Unfortunately, this was the part of my life that I kept well hidden for many years. Apparently my parents were oblivious. I suppose it wouldn’t be entirely fair to blame them. They were raising a boy in a foreign culture and in a world in which parents weren’t very well educated in regards to the dangers of the internet. But, either way, the damage was done. Most people knew me as an introverted Christian kid from America. In many respects I appeared to be a good Christian boy to most folks. In high school I was very outspoken about my Christian beliefs, especially in the ethics classes I took, which provided plenty of opportunities for discussions about morality. Some of the guys called me the “Jesus Freak”. It wasn’t meant to be a compliment.

What is even more significant than the fact that my parents were oblivious to the secret part of myself that I kept tucked away, was that I was totally ignorant to the fact that I was setting myself up for a world of hurt. I had my first girlfriend when I was sixteen. We were both decent Christian kids, so we agreed that sex before marriage wasn’t an option. But, then there was the first kiss, the first French kiss, the first time making out. Soon enough I wasn’t particular interested in talking with her, I just wanted to experience the high I experienced from making out with her. And so the emotional intimacy quickly died, she lost interest, broke up with me, and that was that. I was devastated. I had been holding on to the idealistic notion that the first girl I dated would be the girl I married. As I reflect on that experience, I’m glad that she broke the relationship off. If she hadn’t I would have almost certainly pushed for intercourse eventually, regardless of how often I reassured myself that we wouldn’t cross that line. It was quite obvious that I had very little self-control.

Skip forward about 3 years. I now had my first great depression behind me. I had experienced severe emotional pain much of which was tied to being rejected and consequently feeling inadequate and insecure. There was much more to it than that, but that was a significant portion of my first emotional breakdown. I was now living with my parents in the United States. For some time I thought pornography was just a relic from my past. Unfortunately, that wasn‘t at all the case. As hard as I tried I eventually came back to it. After the fact I almost always said that it had been the last time. I even prayed that it would be. But, part of me still had my fingers crossed when I prayed that.

Then I met my future wife. I was honest with her about my past. At the time I thought it was in the past. She loved me anyway. Little did each of us know how much I would test her love. Physically we were both virgins when we got married, but mentally, and emotionally I was anything but pure. When we finally did get married, lo and behold, sex didn’t turn out to be like it was in the movies. As it turned out sex could sometimes be awkward, and take a lot of work and communication. My wife didn’t always know exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it, and neither was she always eager to give it to me. But, the women in the pictures and videos were. They say that anything worth having requires hard work to achieve. As it turns out the same thing is true of sexual intimacy. Sure, pornography always provided me with a quick and easy escape from my emotional pain, but afterwards it just irritated the gaping, festering wound in my heart.

Tomorrow, we will see the second part of this very personal story.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

As we open ourselves to see and know God in new ways, we will need to guard against using our relationship with God as a new arena for expressing our perfectionism. We cannot now see God except in a 'poor reflection'. We cannot perfectly know God. We are not yet face to face with God. We see partially. We know partially. There is much that remains a mystery to us.

It is not easy for us to live with partial vision. It is difficult to tolerate the ambiguities and unknowns. Sometimes the imperfections in our understanding of God make us anxious. We feel that God expects more of us than that. We feel that we should have answers to every conceivable question, that we should never experience doubts, that we should have clarity at all times.

But this text makes it clear that 20:20 vision is not a realistic expectation in our relationship with God. Perfection is not an option for us. Accepting limits in our capacity to see and know God is part of getting to know God better.

The list of things I don't understand goes on and on, Lord.
What I don't know makes me anxious.
I am afraid of my doubts.
I want to see and know you so well that I no longer experience doubt.
I want to understand things so thoroughly, that I no longer experience anxiety.
But I cannot see you face to face. I only see and know in part.
Help me, Lord, 
to find a way to live with uncertainty, 
with doubts, 
with anxiety.
Help me to embrace what you have revealed of your love and goodness.
And to live in anticipation of one day knowing you more fully.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery