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"A 'REAL' Christian loves everybody!"

8/21/2013

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Loving others: I admit that my experience of loving everyone is not just difficult but impossible — at least, loving everyone the way Jesus loves everyone (and, of course, my theology informs me that Jesus actually does love everyone and desires their full redemption, cf. John 3:16; 12:32). I don’t know everyone: How, then, can I love everyone? Or perhaps loving everyone is not predicated upon knowing them. Can I love people whom I don’t even know? Am I not, then, in love with love — or, perhaps, in love with the idea of love?

God can love everyone because He knows everyone; and His love for them is not objected-oriented. In other words, God doesn’t love people because of any inherent redeeming value or character trait within them. For example, if He loved me because I give away all my wealth to the poor (and I don’t), then if I stopped giving away my money to the poor then He would have cause to cease loving me. God’s love for us is derived from His nature and not ours. (Trust me when I admit that this is a good trait! If God’s love for us was object-oriented then He would love none of us — ever.) But Jesus said that the second greatest commandment is akin to the first: “You shall love your neighbor [which just so happens to be everyone with whom we come into contact, cf. Luke 10:30-37] as yourself” (Matt. 22:39). If I am to possess the kind of love for people that God holds, how is that going to happen? 

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.  Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

The quote from Merton above comes from his work No Man is an Island, and I think it represents a God-kind of love. Before each of us comes to trust in Christ we are already perfectly loved by God. He does not require that we change who we are as individuals in order to first receive that love. God does not call me to the behaviors and characteristics of Billy Graham or John Wesley or Thomas Aquinas or the apostle Paul. God perfectly loves me, as I am, and longs for me to be the me He created me to be. However, that “me” is also being conformed to the perfect likeness of God’s Son Jesus (Rom. 8:29). The “me” I’m going to be is not yet complete.  

I think this is always healthy to keep in mind with regard to everyone else we encounter as well. Let’s consider those with whom we worship Christ each Sunday. The “them” they are going to be is not yet complete. God will also conform them to the image of Christ; they are becoming what they will be, even though what they will be is not yet who they are presently. If you need a moment to grab for the Aleeve, then go and come back for the final paragraph. 

I have not yet mastered how to love everyone perfectly, mostly because I have not yet arrived at the final, perfect “me.” Loving people takes hard, very intentional work, and it is just as much a discipline of contemplation as it is a form of activity. Thomas Merton says of Aquinas that there is “in practice no contradiction between contemplation and activity,” and I agree with them both. When we consider who is our “neighbor” — whom we are called to both love and serve — this takes contemplation, introspection, and a determined willingness to act on their behalf; and this labor of love, if you will, must be stubborn to completion. In other words, we cannot give up the effort merely because the person does not reciprocate or appreciate such labor. We must remember that, though God loves everyone perfectly, that love is, largely, underappreciated or outright rejected. Still He loves, stubbornly, graciously. Lord, make us imitators!  

This post was written by William W. Birch.  For the original post, go to:  http://willandgraced.tumblr.com/post/58414919448/loving-everyone-is-impossible



BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Toenail suckin' frogs - part two

8/20/2013

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If you recall yesterday, there were no reminders on my part to my campers to keep their shoes on.  

At breakfast, I could hear my boys talking to other boys from other cabins about these toenail suckin' frogs and warning them that they needed to keep their shoes on.  Doubt started to spread, these boys weren't sure that I hadn't made up this story.  As we were walking to the morning chapel, I got all kinds of questions and doubt.  I reassured them that these creatures existed and that I was just warning them because I didn't want any of them to have to explain to their mother how they were missing a toenail.  Some of the boys talked to other counselors who told them there was no such thing.  When my boys would tell me what other counselors said, I just simply responded, "They must be a new counselor.  In fact, I don't think I've seen that counselor at this camp before."  I just left it at that.  No more explanation.  

That second evening, we had a terrific evening chapel.  The camp evangelist knew how to speak to kids about God in ways that kids could understand. I could see God's Holy Spirit working and kids were coming to know Jesus better.  

On the way back, in the dark, my boys talked about how they kept their shoes on all day and that no toenail suckin' frogs got to any of them.  We were walking past a small pond in the pitch black nite and I scooped up a handful of pebbles and threw them high in the air over the pond.  These pebbles made wonderful bubbling, plopping sounds as they hit the water.  I said, "stop!  Did you guys hear that?"  One of the boys said, "yes, I heard that.  What was it?"  I responded, "I think it's toenail suckin' frogs!"  As soon as those words were out of my mouth, all the boys took off running for the cabin.  I came a few minutes behind them and told them, "I'm lucky I had my shoes on.  There were a couple of those frogs that tried to latch on to my foot.  When they tasted the shoe, they just left me alone!"  

Very few things in the world are better than having a cabin full of boys who just left chapel after encountering God's Holy Spirit who were tired of running from frogs and finally feeling safe in their beds.  As we lay there in the dark the second nite, there were few questions and doubts about toenail suckin' frogs.  However, there were questions about what it means to have Jesus change your life, how with Jesus you don't need to be afraid, how much Jesus loves them and how He wants to get to know each of them.  It was a wonderful evening.  I prayed with each boy, stressing how much Jesus loved him and how there was no need to be afraid of toe nail suckin' frogs or anything else for that matter because God is strong and protects us.  

By the end of the week, two things occurred with the 8 boys in my cabin:

1.  We had talks long into the nite about God, church, nature, girls, frogs, etc.  I heard each of them share, in the darkness of that cabin, with me and their new friends, their fears, their accomplishments, their goals, the struggles that their families were going thru and all the fun that they were having at camp.

2.  None of them had become injured by walking around barefoot.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that most of them slept with their shoes on most every nite.  My cabin was the only boy cabin that didn't have someone step on something that hurt him.

I'll bet the moms of those boys had them wash their feet several times the first nite they were home as I just imagine that they were stinky.  I wouldn't know because they always had their shoes on every time I saw them.

The next week, when I was back home and my one son that was in that cabin with us was recalling the fun times.  It's a memory I will always cherish.  Boys and woods and cabins and frogs and Jesus.  What a wonderful combination.


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Toenail suckin' frogs - part one

8/19/2013

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One of the joys of being a father is being able to hang out with your kids.  Several times when my boys were young, I volunteered to be a camp counselor at the camp that they attended.  On one occasion, we got a warning from the Camp Director.  "There have been entirely too many foot injuries out there.  Kids are running around without shoes and then stepping on things and hurting themselves.  You need to have your kids have shoes on at all times."  Now, when he said "all times," I assumed he didn't mean in the pool or in bed but everywhere else.  Being a person who has studied human behavior all my life, I devised a plan to get the kids in my cabin to keep their shoes on.  

The first nite, as we were sitting around in the cabin, we each introduced ourselves and sat down where I explained the way that camp was gonna go that week.  As we were close to getting in bed, I said, "Oh, you guys need to keep your shoes on.  There are toenail suckin' frogs in this area."  Then I had us all get in our bunk beds and as I turned down the latern, I said a prayer.  I prayed for each boy there, their families and how each would come to know Jesus better during this week of fun.  As I closed the prayer, I said, "Oh, God, by the way, I pray that you would keep each of us safe from the toenail suckin' frogs that are around here.  In Jesus' name, Amen."   

If you have ever been a camp counselor of boys, you know that they don't drop off to sleep right away.  Well, there is always one boy who does, and he always happens to be the boy who snores the loudest....  


But, anyway, as we lay there in the dark, listening to the sounds of the various animals and rustling along the ground, after about 10 minutes, one boy asked the question that I hoped someone would ask.  "What's a toenail suckin' frog?"  

I said, "Oh, those guys are kinda dangerous, you need to keep your shoes on."  




One of the boys asked, "Even when we're in bed?"  

"I'm gonna risk it when I'm in bed but I'm gonna keep my shoes on everyplace else except the swimming pool.  Those frogs don't care for chlorine." 


"They won't get you in your bed?"  


"Nope.  Well...  I did hear about three years ago about this one that got this one boy's pinkie toenail while he slept but that's the only one I've heard about.  Those toenail suckin' frogs are just out mainly during the day.  Unless they're REALLY hungry."  


"What do these frogs do?"


"Well, they latch on to your toe and don't let go until they've swallowed your toenail."


"Does it hurt?"  


"Not too bad.  It just kinda aches a little.  I won't hurt you too bad.  If he gets on your toe, just let him finish his business and then he will jump off and leave you alone.  They only eat one toenail a day."


"Well, if he gets on my toe, I'm gonna take a stick and beat on him until he lets go."

I said, "oooh, you don't wanna do that.  That just makes them mad.  You don't want a mad toenail suckin' frog latched onto your toe.  It would be better to just kinda pretend he's not there and let him eat your toenail and then he will leave you alone."  

As these questions, kept coming, I could tell each of the boys were drifting off to sleep one by one.  

When I woke them up the next morning, they immediately started talking about toenail suckin' frogs.  Each of them put their shoes on.  No reminders on my part.

Tomorrow, we will have part two...

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Sunday Meditation

8/18/2013

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"Remain in my love. . . I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."  Jesus

It is sometimes difficult to imagine joy at all. When we struggle with failure, or we are faced with our need for change or we are grieving old losses - in those times joy seems unimaginable.



But joy can come in the midst of these struggles as we learn what it means to remain in Jesus' love.

We do not have to grieve or change alone. We learn early in recovery that we will not get very far if we remain isolated. We also learn early that we need to turn to a power that is greater than ourselves. To recover we need to learn to remain -- or abide or spend time -- in the love Jesus gives us. We are loved by God. And we are loved by other people. It is in these loving relationships that we find joy.

In John 15 Jesus has been describing himself as the vine, telling us that we are branches. He is our life-line. We need to stay closely connected to him. We can no longer pretend to be self sufficient. We must daily acknowledge our need for help and relatedness.

Jesus told us this truth because he wanted us to experience joy. "Remain in my love", Jesus said, "so your joy will be complete."

Lord, help me to remain in love.
Help me not to distance myself from you or from others.
Help me to give up pretending to be self sufficient.
Help me to remember that it is in loving and in being loved
that I will find healing and joy.


Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

National Association for Christian Recovery




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Spiritual dryness

8/17/2013

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Sometimes we experience a terrible dryness in our spiritual life.  We feel no desire to pray, don't experience God's presence, get bored with worship services, and even think that everything we ever believed about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is little more than a childhood fairy tale.   

Then it is important to realise that most of these feelings and thoughts are just feelings and thoughts, and that the Spirit of God dwells beyond our feelings and thoughts.  It is a great grace to be able to experience God's presence in our feelings and thoughts, but when we don't, it does not mean that God is absent.  It often means that God is calling us to a greater faithfulness.  It is precisely in times of spiritual dryness that we must hold on to our spiritual discipline so that we can grow into new intimacy with God.



This post was written by Henri J. Nouwen.  For his website, go to:  http://www.henrinouwen.org

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Should I leave my church?

8/16/2013

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"I'm only gonna throw seed where it's gonna grow.  I don't want to waste my time on those who aren't gonna grow..." was the conclusion the pastor came to when he finished his sermon on the parable of the sower. 

This pastor was an amazing man. I had served on the church board with him and supported him to the church body.   The church had grown tremendously under his care.

Having just returned from the mission field after a year of service, things were noticeably different now in my church.  He seemed focused on the building project and being selective about his time.  Before, he was generous with the gospel and one could easily get in contact with him.   But now, he seemed secluded and sequestered.   He seemed unapproachable.

In my quandary, I sent a short letter to the missions board with whom I was just serving under asking for advice on how to deal with this pastor and church that I loved.  The next thing I know, that letter had been passed to the bishop, then to the superintendent, then to the pastor.  

The pastor called me into his office for a discussion.  

Unfortunately, this discussion did not go well and my loyalty was questioned and I was placed on "probation."  The next Sunday, the fellowship time before church was very arduous.  I recall a group of my friends standing in a circle and I came up to the circle to talk with them and the group dissipated.  I went to other friends and they were very short with me and discussions seemed strained.  I believed that it was my own paranoia and my perceptions so I gave it time and prayer.  

The following week a letter to the church from the board came out and my signature (as a board member) was on the bottom with other board members.  I knew I had neither approved of nor signed it and I asked the pastor about it.  He said, "oh, we have your signature digitized on the computer so we put it on there."  I told him that I was very uncomfortable with my signature being used without my actually signing it or approving of it.  Again, I was accused of not being a team player.

For the next few Sundays, it became increasingly difficult to attend.  Other board members would hardly speak with me, friends that I had in the church no longer acted like friends.    As this was a church in a denomination in which I was raised, this was difficult and I needed a firm answer from God if I was to stay or leave. 

It was agonizing.

I was waiting and praying for God to tell me what to do.  I attempted conversations but was repeatedly rebuffed.  The pastor would not meet with me.  I loved this church, this pastor and the people who attended there.

One Sunday, after church, as we were driving away, I looked back at the church and I saw a hand with a branding iron emblazoning the word "Ichabod" above the doorway.  I thought about Ichabod Crane from The  Legend of Sleepy Hollow.  I had no idea what the vision meant.  I had no idea that Ichabod was a biblical name, especially a name with a specific meaning.

Interestingly, that week, in my personal Bible study, I came upon this verse: "She named the boy Ichabod, saying, "The glory has departed from Israel"..."


Well, the verse hit me hard.  It was clear what God was saying.  Reluctantly, we started to attend another church.  About a month later, the pastor sent me a letter saying that he was sorry that I had left but understood why and wanted to reassure me that people wouldn't be bothering me about attending.  So, he tipped his hand.  He inadvertently let me know that he had told people about me.

That hurt.  I had no idea what he told people about me.

As I write this, and the experience is well over 20 years ago, I still feel a loss.  

Interestingly, I heard that the pastor and this church left that denomination and became an independent church.   

The church is very large and appears to be helping a lot of people.  So, I don't know what it all means.  

I do know, however, that God was very clear with me about leaving.  I'm not saying that the church is bad or the pastor is bad.  I'm just saying that particular church was not for me.  There are a lot of good people in that church, people who earnestly want to do what God desires.

I still pray for God's direction in that church.  

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Good music grows churches:  Truth or Fiction?

8/15/2013

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I used to think that really good music grows a church. Get the hottest band and singers in town and the people will come.

I don't think that anymore.

Now that I'm free from the weekly grind of the music director's life I've been able to visit a lot of churches. 

I've been to huge megachurches with thousands of people and so-so, bland music. 
I've been to tiny, struggling churches with superb, cutting edge-music. 

Recently in LA I was at a faaaamous church that had one of the worst, off pitch background praise singers ever. Another LA megachurch had the most horrible worship flow of any church I've ever attended. Sing a song. Stop cold. Sing another, random song. Stop cold. Sing another. What??

I've also been to huge churches with great blended music and huge churches with superb, cutting edge music.

Great music, huge churches. Lousy music, huge churches.

Small churches, great music. Small churches, lousy music.

Great music sure won't hurt a church, but my worship algorithms are telling me that it ISN'T the music that's primarily growing churches. It's the PREACHING. Gasp.

If the preacher is theoretical, boring, irrelevant and clinical, the hottest music in town isn't going to help draw a crowd.

If the preacher is relevant, personable and preaching on spiritual issues that matter to the common man, the lousiest music in the world won't keep the throngs away. They'll put up with anything to hear the Word speak into their lives.

So just what does music accomplish? It simply sets the tone and flavor of your church.

Your music style will attract a certain style of crowd. It's no different from a radio station. Think of the different crowds associated with these music styles: Country. Heavy Metal. Classical. Can you picture what someone looks like who would listen to each style? How about: Cowboy hats. Long hair and tattoos. Suit & tie.

I see blended, orchestral churches attracting a "churchy" bunch in suits & ties and Sunday dresses.

Churches with cool rock bands and cutting-edge music are attracting the 20-30s.

The typical WillowCreek-esque church with 90's praise band (which, I believe, is currently the mainstream of churches) is attracting younger baby boomers who are bored by the blended stuff, plus young families. I suspect the young families probably would prefer the cutting edge music church but those churches, attracting younger people with no money, generally have weak children's programs. So young families put up with the baby boomer music style since they have the funds to afford nice nurseries and youth activities.

Different styles attract different looking people, but there's another element to put into the mix: personality types.

One personality type revels in the mediocre; the other loves quality.

Ministries with a low standard of quality, no matter what the style, will attract people who have a low standard of quality. If the church allows off-pitch people to sing on the praise team, they'll attract people who like to hear off-pitch singing. Believe it or not, there are actually people in this world who thrill to hear off pitch singing on mic. These same people also enjoy karaoke.

This mindset would prefer to see a bunch of people who wanted to sing in a constant rotation so they can use their "gifts," no matter how bad things sound, rather than see the talented few leading week after week.

Call me spritual or something, but I really don't care who's up there as I go into my own personal world of worship. What gets me out of that world is the jarring effect of hearing someone yelping the wrong notes.

A church, contemporary or traditional, who insists on a high standard of quality generally attracts people who like quality.

The two personality types don't mix. If you're trying to build a quality music ministry, have you ever experienced this phenomena: an off-pitch singer demands to sing in church, you won't let them and they throw a tantrum... threaten to leave the church... etc.

I know of a case where a talented vocalist found themselves in a low-quality church. This person is a dream vocalist you'd give your left leg to have in your ministry—and spiritually minded to boot. This person was rarely asked to sing and was baffled. I've heard the same story over and over.

I found an answer to these mysteries from Oprah, of all people. For some reason I flipped on the TV one day and watched her for five minutes. In that span she said something that rocked my world: "Mediocrity hates quality."

Worship leader, have you been banging your head against the wall? Now you know why. Maybe you're the right type of person in the wrong type of church.  



This post was written by Don Chapman.  You can find the original post here:  http://www.churchleaders.com/worship/worship-articles/139971-music-growth.html


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Pastoral Surprise

8/14/2013

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In a recent conversation, my best friend Chase–who is notorious for his questions–asked me, “What has been the most surprising thing about being a pastor?”

My mind raced over the last year.

During my first year of full-time ministry I’ve preached many sermons, baptized infants and grown-ups, taught a weekly Bible study at the local prison, presided at funerals, helped launch new small groups and Sunday School classes, and much more.

It has been a busy year and has gone by quickly. I’ve tried to set boundaries, build relationships, continue learning, mature in Christ, and grow into my pastoral identity. I’ve also discovered for myself the truth one of my seminary professors revealed during an aside from one of his lectures, “The only way you can make it in pastoral ministry is by prayer.”

After running all this through my mind, I answered Chase, “The most surprising thing about being a pastor has been the way people trust me and give me access to the deepest parts of their lives.

A few weeks back I was at a summer camp for middle schoolers called Summer Games. Each night has a theme, and that particular night’s theme was “pray with a friend.” After my friend David preached an amazing message, they invited kids to grab a partner, pray with them, and then continue rotating and praying with others. They also invited them to come forward if they’d like one of the pastors present to pray for them.

I didn’t know a single kid there.

Yet for two hours, the students prayed with one another and lined up for me to pray with them. The students confessed all sorts of specific sins and struggles they were dealing with to me. They also asked me to pray for God to help them break free from everything holding them back from knowing him fully. Most of their parents, siblings, and friends have no idea about the things they told me. But because I was a pastor, they trusted me and felt that they could come to me with their whole hearts.

Numerous times people have pulled up to the church, asked to see a pastor, and then invited me into the deepest–and often darkest–parts of their lives.

I didn’t personally know the people involved in the first two funerals I presided over nor the first deceased person I sat beside and prayed over. Yet, the families touched by these incidences embraced me and welcomed my presence.

On a recent trip to Guatemala, someone heard I was a pastor and invited me into their neighbor’s home to pray over a man who was on his deathbed.

Similar situations have happened over and over again.

All of this has been surprising to me because my generation places a high value on relationships, earning trust, and gaining the right to be heard. Yet, people have allowed me to enter into their lives just because I was a pastor.

Why?

That’s the question I’ve often thought about over the last year. Why do so many people give me access to their lives just because I have the word “Pastor” before my name?

While reading Richard John Neuhaus’ book Freedom for Ministry over the last year, I think I’ve discovered part of the answer. Neuhaus writes:

All our talk about lay ministries and the ethos of democratization notwithstanding, the minister inescapably represents the Church. … [The pastor] is the palpable sign of the supportive community and the community’s Lord. Of course Christ has preceded the pastor. Of course Christ’s presence is abidingly immediate to each believer. Of course, of course. But in such times of crisis these commonplaces are frighteningly distant and abstract. It is the personal character of The Presence in the person of the pastor that is believable and consoling.

Perhaps with the rise of the “nones” this won’t be as true in the future. But for now, all pastors would do well to remember Neuhaus’ observation that “the connection between the representative and the One represented is very strong.”

This post was written by Jonathan Andersen.  For the original post with comments, go to:  http://www.jonathanandersen.com/most-surprising/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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The sweaty pastor

8/13/2013

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I recently wrote a post based on a survey I did on a pastor’s workweek. I also included better research and more accurate information from five-year old data from LifeWay Research.

In this post, I want to approach the issue from a slightly different perspective. I want to ask the question: How many hours must a pastor work each week to satisfy the congregation? 



An experiment I tried several years ago, though, might prove instructive. When I was a pastor in St. Petersburg, Florida, I gave a survey to the twelve deacons in the church (I jokingly said we had eleven good deacons and one Judas!). I listed several congregational responsibilities and asked them to share the minimum amount of time I should average in each area each week. I listed about twenty areas; but they were free to add other responsibilities to the blank lines.

I’m not sure exactly what I was anticipating. I just know that I was shocked when I tallied the results. In order to meet those twelve deacons minimum expectations I had to fulfill the following responsibilities each week:

  • Prayer at the church: 14 hours
  • Sermon preparation: 18 hours
  • Outreach and evangelism: 10 hours
  • Counseling: 10 hours
  • Hospital and home visits: 15 hours
  • Administrative functions: 18 hours
  • Community involvement: 5 hours
  • Denominational involvement: 5 hours
  • Church meetings: 5 hours
  • Worship services/preaching: 4 hours
  • Other: 10 hours
Total: 114 hours/week

If I met just the minimum expectations of twelve deacons, I would have to work more than 16 hours a day for seven days a week. Or I could take one day off of work each week, and work 19 hours a day for six days a week. And remember, I still would only meet the minimum expectations of twelve people in the church, not the entire membership.

Clearly a pastor will sense the tension of so many factors competing for the limited hours in a week. And clearly no one can ever humanly meet all those expectations.

Do these numbers surprise you? If you are a layperson, what are your workweek expectations of a pastor? If you are a pastor, how do you handle such expectations?


This post was written by Thom S Rainer.  There is a lively discussion going on at his blog about this topic.  You can join in at:  http://thomrainer.com/2013/07/24/how-many-hours-must-a-pastor-work-to-satisfy-the-congregation/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Pastoral confessions

8/12/2013

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My dad was a minister in a church. My uncles were ministers. My cousin’s a minister. About thirty of my best friends are, or were, ministers.

I was a minister, until I quit seven years ago. Probably forever.

It’s difficult being a minister. In the hard times, I always felt like many of the people in the church didn’t really understand us. Where our hearts were, how we were feeling, what our intentions were, how best to help us help the church. Which often felt dysfunctional. And I spent a lot of my down time thinking about a list of things I wish the church understood.

But while I was in the position, saying them would have sounded only like whining. Or it would have been uncomfortably vulnerable.

Now that I’m seven years removed from ministry, with no chance of returning, I want to offer some of these things to you who attend church regularly, hoping that they might be received in a different, more constructive spirit. I’ve really got nothing invested here any more, except love and respect for my brothers and sisters who do this for a living. And a hope that I can make someone’s life just a little better.

A disclaimer is in order. I ran these by a large handful of ministers this week, and most of them said something akin to ‘Yes, exactly!’ But there were one or two who responded saying that they’ve had a different, better experience with ministry, and that most of these don’t apply to them. But I think it’s fair to say that about nine out of ten ministers relate strongly to most of what’s here.

It might also be weird that I’ve written them in the first person, as though I’m currently a minister. I’m not. But since I was born and bred and trained for it, and since I did it for so many years, I’m placing myself back into the fold for this post. Most of it comes from my own personal experience anyway.

So here’s what your minister wishes you understood. Give it a read, give it some thought, and give him or her a bigger hug than usual tomorrow morning.

1. Our greatest fear is irrelevance. It’s not losing our jobs, hurting your feelings, or accidentally saying the F word during a sermon. Those fears are there. But they are nothing compared to the nagging fear that what we say and do is making zero difference in your life. That you are only showing up to church because of habit, or obligation, or mental illness. That we are laying ourselves bare to write and deliver a sermon every week that nobody is hearing.  If your pastor has made an actual difference in your life ever, by word or deed or example or friendship, take some time this week to let him or her know, in as much detail as you can. You cannot imagine how far that will go.

2. We are mama’s boys. Apologies to the female pastors, this one’s just about the guys. I’ve read studies that higher than 80 percent of male pastors say they are much closer to their mothers than their fathers. This has a lot of implications, and it explains why we’re more likely to play an instrument than fire a gun, have coffee with a friend than watch a game, read a book than restore an old Mustang. It also means that nobody in the church gets our attention as much as the old ladies, who can make or break our day with a kind word or a disapproving scowl. When you’re dealing with your male pastor, keep in mind that he’s more likely to speak the language of nurture over discipline, collaboration over competition, forgiveness over punishment. These aren’t things he learned in seminary, these are things he learned in diapers.

3. S/he sees you when you’re sleeping. Some people in the pews think there’s a two way mirror between them and the pulpit, that they can see the pastor but the pastor can’t see them. Wrong. We see you yawn, look at your phone, whisper something into your wife’s ear. Sleep. Which is fine. If we’re boring, it’s not your fault, it’s ours. But just be aware that we see you, and that if you can manage to at least look like you’re a little more interested, it might actually feed some energy back to us and give us more zing. Energy goes two ways.

4. We think about quitting a lot. Behind closed doors, most ministers talk about moving on with regularity. The job is hard in a way that people who’ve never done it cannot understand. Not physically, or even mentally. But emotionally it can wreck you. I don’t fully understand why, although I have theories. But just know, when you’re choosing how to interact with her or him, that your pastor is probably hurting and tired and wishing s/he could quit. And that, in most cases, the only thing keeping him or her there is a sense of love and obligation to you. Be gentle, sensitive, and grateful for that.

5. We envy people who can be themselves. We wish we could cuss without it making headlines. We wish we could get drunk at a party, just once, without it resulting in an elders meeting. We wish we could be enthusiastic about a hobby without people raising their eyebrows about how much time and money we’re spending on it. We wish we could make angry political remarks on Facebook. You know, all the things that you feel free to do all the time. You want us to be human, but not too human. Believe me, we know. And it’s probably for the best that we are charged with setting a good example, it makes sense. But just know, we sometimes envy your freedom to just be yourself.

6. We are often spiritually starving. Probably the most closely guarded secret among pastors is how spiritually empty many of us are. Like a worker at the chocolate factory who no longer likes the taste of chocolate, or the prostitute who gets no pleasure from sex, we deal with spiritual matters so much that they often no longer have much meaning for us. Worship, for us, is a program that must be organized and executed. It’s work. It’s not forus. It’s for you. And then, when we’re not ‘on,’ often the last thing we want to do is something spiritual. Because it reminds us of work. We can’t read the Bible without thinking of sermon ideas. We can’t pray without thinking of leading prayers. We can’t meet with other church people without talking shop. So we’d rather play golf, or watch TV, or anything else. Which ultimately leaves us empty. Not everyone, not always. But often.

7. We are sinful, no different than you. We don’t just think about sinning. We aren’t just tempted to sin. We commit sins. The same kind you do. Believe it. But also understand that this doesn’t make us less qualified to talk to you about sins, but more. If you’ve ever sat in the pew and heard a pastor rambling on about temptations and sin and thought, “Whatever, there’s no way she understands what I’m dealing with,” think again. It’s very likely that she does, first hand. And that what she’s saying comes from her own life, not just from a book.

8. We are lonely, because it’s hard to trust. Pastors often have trust issues. As well they should. All pastors have heard stories about Reverend So-and-so who confided in someone in his church about his addiction to whatever, only to have that person tell the elders about it, which ultimately got him fired. It happens. We know it does. So every time we interact with you, even if it’s in a prayer group or some very intimate setting, we’re not 100% open. We can’t afford to be. It’s not your fault, it’s not our fault, it’s just a bad system that doesn’t allow pastors to be as human as it should. You can’t fix that, but you can have understanding and compassion for the man or woman who loves and serves you week after week, who counsels you and hears your confessions, and yet often has nowhere to go to get the same healing and relief.

9. Ministry is a hard job. Sometimes it’s said as a joke, sometimes it’s said in anger, that ministers don’t work very hard. That it’s a cushy gig. If that were true I doubt I’d know so many ministers who have quit swearing never to return, including myself. The best way I can think to explain why ministry is hard is to compare it to being the parent of a young child. From the outside it might not look like a lot of ‘work,’ but from the inside it’s the most exhausting thing you’ll ever do. Because it’s not just about the amount of things you do, it’s the total emotional drain of it. It’s worrying all day every day about the people and programs you’re in charge of, being on call and not ever feeling really free to be away, feeling like you live in a fishbowl with hundreds of eyes watching you all the time and never really knowing what they are all thinking of you (unless they complain, which some of them do with regularity). It’s caring for people to the point that you have nothing left for your own family when you get home, yet expecting that they show a certain spiritually-put-together face to the church (because the church expects that). It’s often feeling empty, yet pretending to feel full. It’s presenting yourself and your work to hundreds of people, several times a week, for evaluation, and often getting no feedback except ‘constructive’ criticism. And after all of this, after years of this, it’s looking out at the people in your church and seeing little or no change. Ministry is very hard, albeit perhaps in a different way than your job is hard.

10. We are more sensitive than you probably think. Most ministers I know have one or two people in their congregations who send them stinky emails weekly, and another ten or fifteen who can be counted on to complain about things about once a month. Then of course there are handful of the angels, who hug and love and say encouraging things every week. But guess what. The people who complain are far more thorough and specific and persistent than those who encourage, and they are the voices that keep us up at night feeling bad about ourselves, wondering if we suck at this. Most ministers have skin that is way thinner than their congregants think it is. We have to be open and sensitive to you, because it’s you we are charged with caring for. This means that the things you say to us can reach far deeper inside than they could otherwise. If you need to criticize your minister for something, please just be aware of this. Tread carefully, and with a lot of love and appreciation for her vulnerability. We are not above correction. Nobody is. But please make the extra effort to wrap it in as much care as you can.

11. We care about you more than you can imagine. The best moments of being a pastor for me, by far, were the times the ministers would gather for staff meetings and talk about the week ahead. Did we discuss worship and youth outings and air conditioning and budgets? Sure, for maybe twenty minutes. And then for three hours we’d talk about the people we were serving, what’s going on in their lives, and how we might help them. I always wished the whole church could be in those meetings and just see how much these people care, how much their hearts break for them, how much time and emotional energy they spend wanting to help them. Those meetings are my most sacred memories of church, because those were the moments when I saw men and women who had every reason not to care, to phone it in, to even be resentful. And yet, in spite of all of it, at the end of every day, they still cared, sometimes to the point of tears. You might have no idea how much.

This post was written by Mark Love.  You can find the original post here:  http://marklovefurniture.com/blog/2013/07/06/eleven-things-you-might-not-understand-about-your-minister/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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