Men and women in lasting relationships share four fundamental connections: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. However, men and women establish these connections in different order and give them different priority.


Men build monogamy upon a foundation of physical connection. By that, I don’t mean touching, necessarily. Physical connection involves much more. Men need to be physically present with a woman in order to bond with her emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. He wants to be near her, to share time and experiences with her, to see her face and hear her voice, even before touching her for the first time. Physical connection is both primal and primary, which explains why men commonly dismiss long-distance relationships as futile, like having no relationship at all. This is not to suggest that men are fundamentally shallow; they simply experience the deeper aspects of intimacy by means of their physical senses.

Because physical connection comes first, physical connection remains foundational to intimacy. According to Willard Harley, author of the now-classic His Needs Her Needs, the top three relationship necessities for men are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, and a pleasing appearance—all sensory in nature.

Women, on the other hand, build monogamy on a foundation of mental connection, which is no less primal or primary than a man’s need to experience his mate through the five senses. In the beginning, when a woman is drawn to a man she finds interesting, she wants to know all about him, his character, his ideas, his interests, his goals. Being in his presence merely serves this need, but letters and long discussions by phone will do just as well. Generally speaking, a woman can tolerate a long-distance romance much better than a man, as long as she continues to experience a rich mental connection with her lover.

It should come as no surprise then, that this mental connection remains foundational to a woman’s experience of intimacy. According to Harley, she needs affection, conversation, and honesty/openness more than anything. While men automatically assume that affection means touching, women think of affection in terms of its mental and emotional significance. A tender note or an unexpected call “just because” are no less meaningful than a hug or a peck on the cheek.

In addition to affection, a wife needs conversation and honesty/openness from her husband. This mental connection to her husband is crucial to her sense of well-being.

To feel secure, a wife must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, the present, and the future. What has he done? What is he thinking or doing right now? What plans does he have? If she cannot trust the signals he sends . . . she has no foundation on which to build a solid relationship.

A woman experiences intimacy at its deepest levels when she enjoys complete access to her man’s mind. She feels closest and most secure when she can trust that he holds no secrets from her and when he freely shares his unfiltered, unedited thoughts with her. Even better when she enjoys exclusive access to his innermost self. So, when this connection is broken or violated, the fracture affects the entire foundation of her world.

The author of this post is Mark Gaither.  The original post with comments can be found here:  http://www.covenanteyes.com/2009/07/27/is-porn-the-same-as-adultery/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

(Continued from yesterday)

As the sons of these two men grew up, they each went their respective ways, moving to various parts of the country.  The difference was, the pastor's sons wanted to return to see their father.  The sons, all leaders in their own right in different parts of the country, enjoyed their father's advice, steadiness, humble strength and faith in God.  

The cattleman's sons did not want to see their father.  

In fact, they did their best to avoid him.  

Unfortunately, when they would visit their father, it wasn't uncommon for the cattleman and his sons to physically as well as verbally fight each other.  They would argue over cattle, land, money, food.  The cattleman's sons also had trouble in staying married to their first wives.  They and their children experienced the pain of separation, divorce, remarriage, anger, suspicion and the like.

So, now, we are getting to the end of our story.  What happened to these two men?  These men chose different paths for themselves and their family experienced the consequences of these men's choices.  

The cattleman died.  He didn't experience a long illness.  Just one day, he was no longer part of this earth.  The world woke up one morning and he did not.  The land and the cattle that he once owned were divided and sold.  His sons avoided each other.   The sensuality that the cattleman pursued, led to disjointed, isolated, marginally spiritual offspring.  His children rarely got together.  When they did, peace did not rule their relationships.

The pastor lived a long life.  He outlived the cattleman by a good 20 years.  His children stayed faithful to their spouses.  Interestingly, the years after the cattleman died became very rich for the pastor.  God's blessings increased exponentially.  God increased his faithfulness with abundance.  The pastor enjoyed his children, his grandchildren and quite a few great-grandchildren.  The pastor had made several, quiet, steady investments over the years and he found that he was experiencing the most financial success he had ever had.  He needed nothing.  God gave him all he needed and more.  

More importantly, the pastor enjoyed the spiritual success of his progeny.  Several of them followed in his footsteps and went into full-time ministry.  The other children became integral parts of their respective churches, supporting God's work both inside and outside the church.  All became leaders in their community/profession.  The pastor was able to see his heritage for several generations.  God blessed him with the opportunity to see that his steadiness, and his pursuit of "God first" paid off with eternal rewards.  

You see not only did this pastor and his progeny do well, but many of the people who were affected by his ministry over the years were blessed by this pastor's steadiness and quiet confidence in God's ability to care for his children.

However, just when it seems like a story is over, God does something amazing.  Just when you think you have God all figured out, He moves.  Tomorrow we will  discuss Esau Redeemed.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

I was fortunate to spend some alone time with my parents for a couple of days before our most recent family reunion started.  Even though my Dad is hard of hearing, and is difficult to communicate with, at 89 years of age, he is still teaching me about life.

While driving together, he told me about the financial decisions that he had recently made and how thru his acumen, he has been able to also sell and buy a few  vehicles for a profit.  One car he sold because he was sideswiped by a semi-truck.  In the middle of the conversation, he said, "God is really good to us.  We could have been killed by that truck.  If I had been a second slower we might not be here.  Also, by being sensitive to God's leading in the selling and buying of the vehicles, everyone got a fair deal."

The next morning, we were trimming the pecan tree that was in the back.  He had been waiting for me to visit so that he could get this job done.  The tree had overgrown the house and was hanging into the neighbor's yard.  We worked steadily for a couple of hours, hardly talking to each other.  Yet, there is something about a father and a son working together that builds upon intimacy.  We paused a couple of times to sit down and drink some water together (it was in 90 degree sunny weather).  We didn't talk about much, mostly the tree and how the squirrels steal the pecans and how he got a new BB  gun so that he could scare them away.  

The third thing he taught me was that his love for God is still alive and vibrant after all these years.  I love to hear my Dad pray.  He doesn't use a lot of flowery words or Elizabethan English.  He usually doesn't pray very long (however, I have been privy to some of the times when I heard him and my Mom pray for extended periods of time).  Yet, almost every prayer recognizes God's authority, our dependence on Him and a sincere thankfulness for God's provision.  

So, you may be reading this and think, "wow, I haven't told my Dad recently about how much I appreciate his influence in my life."  

If that is you, let him know.

Or you may be thinking, "I wish my Dad was like that."  

If that is you, rise to the challenge and be that kind of Dad for your kids.  

If you don't have kids, find a single mother of a young boy in your church and invest your life into his spiritual, emotional, physical growth.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

There is a difference between being masculine and being macho.  Masculinity is our healthy expression of the uniqueness of being created a man in God's design.  The behaviors of a macho man are instead unhealthy expression of the stereotypes of masculinity lived out in their most extreme forms.  The macho man perverts true masculinity.  He pretends to be strong by acting aggressively and creating about himself an image of power, both of which mask the deeper reality of the insecurity within.  The truly masculine man knows who he is in God and enjoys a healthy integration of this emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual nature. This wholeness comes from knowing and responding to the truth that he is fully loved and accepted in Christ.  The masculine man in Christ is truly set free to become all that he is meant to be.

The macho man lives out an image of manhood that emphasizes only one small part of what it means to be male.  He pretends that it is possible to live life with a constant erection.  But, our physical genital reality reminds us that we are only sometimes hard.  Most of the time, we are are soft.  The majority of our lives is lived out as penis, not erected phallus, and this is normal and proper for men.  Think of what it would be like in actuality if we had to live the whole of our lives with an erection.  This is a grotesque image.  Yet it is the kind of masculine image many macho men attempt to convey thru their personalities as they relate to those around them.

It is far healthier and more productive to recognize and celebrate the broader dimensions of our masculinity modeled for us most completely by the man Jesus, our loving LORD.   As He demonstrated, a man's strength is not rooted in violent aggression or in an obsession with worldly power, but in the Godlike power of sacrificial love.

A man is not weak, but strong, when he wisely chooses to live the predominant portion of this life with his sword in his sheath.  This is not a man feminized.  This is a masculine man who has given up the false god of proud machismo and has delivered his complex and diverse masculine personality into the hands of God to be shaped by the demands of love.

This post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we discussed four things that represent a real man, a Christian man.  Today, we conclude our discussion:

5.  The Christian man is free to be tender.  He no longer has to analyze everything objectively and express himself without feeling.  He is now strong enough to be gentle.  He will touch and hold and kiss his children & grandchildren as Jesus held the children of his day and loved them.  He will affirm others with words of truth and love and be generous with hugs and other physical expressions of encouragement.  He will let others affirm and love him.  He can laugh and cry with others like Jesus did.  

6.  The Christian man is free to forgive.  He will forgive others quickly and with a generous spirit as he has been forgiven by God.  A redeemed sinner, and in process himself, he can sympathize and empathize with the struggles of others.

7.  The Christian man is free to stand for righteousness.  He will influence the world by courageous speaking  the truth and acting on the truth he knows.  Once he was too insecure to stand up for what he believed, but now he is secure in Christ's love.  He has the courage to expose the fruitless behaviors of darkness and to model the fruitful lifestyle of light, love and truth.

8.  The Christian man is free to be concerned for the world around him.  No longer driven by a need to build external evidences of his worth, he can give himself and his money away.  He can work less to build his personal empire, and more to alleviate suffering, hunger and the conditions that lead to distress, disease and death.

The Christian man is free to live in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

What are the common behaviors of a man who claims Christ as his savior?  What does the power of God's Word do to a man?  What does a man look like who has been transformed by God's Holy Spirit?

1. The Christian man is free to be a servant-leader.  He no longer depends upon his own strength, but on the guidance, wisdom and strength of the Lord.  His identity is not dependent on successful achievement, so he is set free to fail without being devastated by failure.  This freedom to fail gives the Christian man courage and faith to step out and take  measured risks in the Lord's work.  He includes others in the decision-making process because he is no longer afraid to admit that he needs the help of others and of God in order to have success.  He can affirm and build up those with whom he works because he feels affirmed and accepted in love by God in Christ.

2.  The Christian man is free to be lighthearted.  He no longer has to take himself so seriously.  God is his refuge.  He is set free from having to protect himself, to fear and shield himself from others.  He is secure in himself and his faith.  He will not list out his accomplishments like a peacock strutting around, fanning his tail.  His personality will take on a peaceful playfulness that will draw others to him.  He can laugh at himself.  He has no need to put others down.  

3.  The Christian man is free to interact with others.  He is relational.  He is a thoughtful boss and a congenial host.  He is free to share himself openly. He will talk with his wife.  He will talk with his children.  He will not talk at them but will talk with them, listening to those he loves.  He will not have to have all the right answers.  He will enjoy entering into the deeper-meaning dimensions of the lives of those around him.  He is no longer interested in telling others how important he is.  He is now more interested in hearing about their joys, their needs, their hopes, their dreams.  

4.  The Christian man is able to be open with others about his needs and to ask for help.  He knows that it is his willingness to open his life to others that creates possibilities for himself and others to grow, receive healing and move on toward maturity in Christ.  The man will give and receive friendship.

(continued tomorrow)

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Men need to be accepted by men.  A woman's acceptance is wonderful and fulfilling.  However, if a man does not have the acceptance of other men, he does not feel like a real man.  

This is the very reason why accountability groups can be so vital.  The true intimacy of friendship and acceptance actually heals the wounds so that the false intimacy of porn is no longer needed as a pain-killing medication.  The true intimacy of friendship takes the place of mind-numbing substances like alcohol and drugs.  The true intimacy of friendship pushes you to know God better.

Men know men.  Puffing your chest out and beating it to draw attention to how tough you are or how "manly" you are doesn't set well with men.  Men are not impressed with self-love.  Men are impressed with affirmation, honesty, truthfulness, and leadership.  

Men need godly principles upon which to stand.  Rejecting passivity, accepting responsibility and leading courageously are principles that lead to lasting relationships with our Savior, with each other, and with our community.

Even more important, men need to be accepted and affirmed by God, the Creator of men.  He made you the way that you are complete with your foibles and strengths.  He is the one that made you with your desire for intimacy.  No man is an island, no man is a rock, neither is he the walrus.

As we begin our Ironstrikes group, know that real men want to get together with other men.  They want to gain strength from each other, they want to let down their defenses and show their Achilles' Heel.  Real men join arm in arm together to bring the kingdom of God to their churches, to their families and to their communities.

Our organizational meeting will be starting soon, setting the second Saturday of each month as a time to get together.  We will be meeting on July 14th at the R.G.Holland Memorial Park in Fishers, IN at the shelter behind the children's play area.  We will start at 0830 and end before 1000.

Jesus just wants to hang out with you and share with you how to be like Him, our example of a real man.  Will you join HIM?

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

We live somewhere between belief and unbelief. Our faith wavers. At times faith is strong and stable. At times it is weak, and shaken.

For many of us, our capacity for trust has been diminished by experiences with people who were not trustworthy. We have learned by painful experience that we will be disappointed if we trust. One of the most intense struggles in recovery is to rebuild our capacity for trust and hope. We want to believe, but we are afraid.

Some people believe that God will respond only to people who 'believe enough'. "If you have enough faith, God will hear you," they say. But Jesus said "All you need is faith the size of a mustard seed." The mustard is the smallest of seeds. God does not reject small, limited faith. God will not ignore even the desire to believe. God will not dismiss a willingness to learn to trust. Mountains have been moved by less. God accepts our limited faith.

God does not ask us to wait until we are certain and strong in faith. God accepts us as we are, even with our limited faith.

Lord, you see my struggle to believe, 
to trust,
and to hope.
You know my fears, 
my hesitations, 
my questions.
Help me to accept the limits of my faith.
Help me to bring my limited faith to you.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

When I first started this blog, I had an entry that precedes this present entry.  That one is to be read in conjunction with this one. Click here to read that entry.  

After I posted the other entry, a Lt Colonel friend of mine responded about my impressions about the Colonel picking up a piece of trash.  My friend said, "in God's eyes, a Colonel has no more value than any one else.  A private is just as valuable as the Colonel.  Remember that military folks have ingrained in them that they should pick up garbage!" 

His statement made me think of how God desires immediate obedience.  When I told that to my friend, he replied, "Wouldn't it be great (santification does it) to be so in tune with the Holy Spirit that we would do the "right thing" not because it is a challenge, but simply because it is ingrained within us? "   When he said that, someone popped into my mind. 

I am thinking of someone who comes from America's greatest generation.  Actually, he's a tad bit young to fit into that generation; however, he embodies many of those qualities.  Better yet, he embodies the quality of "immediate obedience."  Since this is Memorial Day, we are to remember those who have fought for our country to retain our freedoms.  

If you look at that picture above, you will see my father-in-law.  When I think of a soldier, I think of this picture.  Then I think of the gentleman that he is and of the example he has provided for me over the last 28 years of knowing him.  I am a much better man because of his willingness to be "immediately obedient" to God's working thru him.  

So today, this Memorial Day, take the time to honor someone who has taken the time to show you what being a real man is like, being a gentleman's gentleman.  Let him know now before you don't have a chance to tell him.  Tell him that he is your inspiration. 

Thanks, Dad! (yes, he let's me call him that)

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we were discussing my choice at a restaurant with a female co-worker.  Do I choose to walk her to her hotel room and risk rumor or do I not so as to avoid any gossip?  Do I choose to honor her or protect my reputation?  It should be noted that she apparently did not have designs for me, she was wanting me to help send a message to a man who was engaging in  sexual innuendo.  

So, why the tire? Let me use this tire to illustrate the decision-making model.*  Imagine at the center  is my desire to please God in all that I do.  That is the axle  of this model.  Now, imagine this tire divided into three parts.  Each part representing the three goals of Ironstrikes. All of these goals are admirable and God-honoring.  However, I was now faced with my personal integrity or honoring a woman , a choice between two good, yet seemingly conflicting goals.  

This tire, separated into three parts, the three goals, is constantly on the move.  For the tire to sit still and lay flat on one goal results in an out of balance tire.  It will become flat if it doesn't rotate.  At times, one goal is hitting the ground, at other times, another goal is in play.  So, in following this illustration, no goal has precedence over the other.  In making this decision, I had to keep those three goals in mind with full consideration of the axle, pleasing God, as the central basis.  Pleasing God is what these goals revolve around.  

Getting back to yesterday's story, I told my female friend that I would be glad to walk her back to her hotel room.  As we went back to the table to conclude the conversation, I was praying about my decision and asking God for His wisdom.  "Lord,  did I make the right decision?  Is honoring my friend's request more important at this moment than protecting my reputation?"  The answer came pretty clearly.  

Now, lest you think I'm crazy, no, I didn't hear God's audible voice.  I felt a calm, a real peace at this decision and then in my head, God spoke thru my thoughts, in my own voice I heard, "You do what is right and I will protect your reputation."   

We dismissed ourselves and I walked her back to her room.  It was about a 15-minute walk.  We got to the hallway that led to her room and she thanked me and went to her room.  I then went to my room and called Karyn letting her know what happened so if she heard any rumors, she would know the truth.  

So what do you think?  Did I make the right decision?  You may be thinking, "Dale sure made a big deal out of nothing."  Maybe I did, maybe not.  However, I learned how little things can become big things.  I'm hoping that my example encourages you to be sensitive to God's leading in your life.

I am indebted to my parents who devised this decision-making model.  I have altered it here to fit this illustration.

*I'm not really happy with this tire as an illustration.  If someone who is better at computers than I can diagram this for me, I would greatly appreciate it.  Please email the diagram as an attachment to drwayman@ironstrikes.com

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.