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Porn at work

3/19/2013

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A common problem that men have is how to handle it when a coworker has pornography at work.    This is a very touchy issue.  

What do you do when men are gathered around on the work site looking at pictures of naked women?

If a guy doesn't participate, he is "hen-pecked" or "gay" or....  The name calling starts and the accusations fly if a guy isn't "one of the guys."  He's not a "team player."  What's a man to do in these situations?  After all, he has a reputation to protect.

Reputation is the key word in this story.  Reputation is the answer.  Jesus took His reputation and laid it all on the line for us so that we could have strength in times like this.  Jesus could have been satisfied to leave things the way they were and stayed in heaven.  However, He put aside His reputation, His Deity, to become like us.   He risked, knowing that His Father would take care of  His reputation.

Like yesterday's post, honesty is needed.   Asking God for strength to be vulnerable and transparent is how you handle porn at work.  Have the gumption to step up and tell your coworkers why looking at porn is not healthy.  Let them know that there is much more to a woman than just what she does to make a man feel sexual.  

You know what will happen if you take this step?  Like Jesus, you may be crucified.  I don't mean that these guys will string you up and kill you but they will belittle you.  They will tell you that you are not a real man.  They will tease you because they want you to participate in their sinfulness.  

You know what else will happen?  There will always be at least one guy who agrees with you.  He may not publicly, but he will at least come to you privately or at least not join in when the teasing starts.  

If you stick to your integrity and respect women, you will make a statement.  You will only have to say it once.  Your statement will have an impact.  If you never participate with them in objectifying women from that point on, God's Holy Spirit will work on these men.  They will watch you.  So, if you have integrity in everything you do at work, they will see it and they will change.  

Your reputation?  Don't worry about it.  God will protect your reputation if you are doing what He wants.  A real man respects and honors women.  A real man stands up for what is right, even if it means standing alone.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Trapped with Porn

3/18/2013

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What do you do when you are placed in a situation where you feel trapped?

I knew a guy who, like many men, had a desire to look at scantily clad, attractive women.   He used to be an avid fan of Playboy magazine but as he grew in his personal relationship with Christ, he came to respect women more and was able to not spend his time obsessing about women as sex objects.   

He had a good childhood friend that lived cross-country and his friend invited him to spend a week with him.  His friend had a small one-bedroom apartment with a very small spare room where his friend kept his book collection.  This man was to sleep in this small spare room during his visit.  As he was laying there, on the couch in this small room, he started to observe the books and magazines that were in this collection.   Some books were classics, some contemporary spy thrillers, and some books about military history.  

Next, his eyes glanced at the magazine collection.  What he didn't know about his friend is that his friend collected Playboy magazines.  He had almost every issue over the previous 10 years.  They were catalogued and displayed quite prominently.  As he lay there trying to sleep, his mind kept wandering back to the Playboy collection that was within his reach.  His mind thought back to the images that were in his mind from his previous experience with Playboy.   His heart was pounding in his ears and his mind said, "it's OK to look at them.  You won't be here but just a few nights.  It's not like they belong to you."

What would you do?  Your character determines how you will handle this situation.  Your true character shows when no one is looking.

How do you handle this?  God promises a way of escape. What is the answer? 

Honesty.   God's strength to be vulnerable and transparent.

Fortunately, this man did the right thing.  He woke his friend up and they had a conversation about Playboy.  Even though his friend didn't think it was a big deal to look at Playboy, his friend took the magazines out of the room and put them in his own bedroom.  

This man kept his integrity.  He stayed away from sinful behavior.  

Is his friend still collecting Playboy magazines?   I dunno.  

But his friend now knows that not all men think that looking at porn is acceptable.    Maybe nobody ever told him that before...

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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The Truth about Prostitution

3/6/2013

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The crime of human trafficking is one of the most egregious human rights violations, and it is happening in our own communities. Its victims are individuals lured into this country under false promises of legitimate work, only to be forced into the sex industry on arrival. They are domestic runaways taken in by traffickers and forced to trade sex for a place to sleep. They are also girls being baited into “the life” by a presumed boyfriend who later reveals himself as a pimp. Much like victims of domestic violence, human trafficking victims are trapped by fear, isolation and brutality at the hands of their traffickers and those who purchase them for sex.

An estimated 1 million children worldwide are sexually exploited annually. The average age of girls forced into the sex trade is 12 to 14. Within the United States alone, it is estimated that nearly 300,000 children are trafficked for sex every year. The cases involve tremendous violence, such as a recent case where the victim was beaten, forced naked into a cold shower, covered with ice and then made to stand in front of an air conditioner for 30 minutes.

What can be done to prevent other children and teens from being victimized? A first step is addressing the truth about trafficking. Put simply, human trafficking is the selling of human beings for profit through forced labor, sexual exploitation or involuntary domestic servitude. Experts estimate 27 million people are trafficked worldwide annually, reaping $32 billion in illegal profits, which makes it the second-largest and fastest-growing black market in the world.

Human trafficking is a crime that can be difficult to identify and track. The Internet and websites such as Backpage.com have only exacerbated this problem, by taking the sex trade off our streets and into hotel rooms — out of sight of law enforcement and social services. Our computers provide access to a variety of sites that promote prostitution, which make millions of dollars by offering anonymity to traffickers, further facilitating the victimization of children.

The Trafficking Victims Protection Act passed in 2000 became the first federal law to emphasize the need to protect victims and offer legal protection for victims of trafficking. States have responded by passing comprehensive human trafficking statutes and updating existing statutes. Today, all but one state have some form of anti-trafficking law. While momentum against trafficking is increasing, however, more must be done. Our work to reduce the demand for commercial sex is built on a simple, solid foundation: Societal change requires information. Just as a movement against drunken driving helped the public understand the danger of drinking and driving through a concerted campaign of public awareness and powerful testimonials to reduce deadly accidents, our work seeks to spark positive change. Moreover, just as domestic violence all too recently was a topic broached only behind closed doors, bringing the tragedy of human trafficking to the public eye is the first step of many.

Those who receive messages from popular music, movies and television that selling sex is just another career choice should know that most prostitutes are, at the very best, selling themselves for the lack of other means to support themselves. In fact, those used in commercial sex lead an extremely dangerous and often violent existence. Epidemiologists report that individuals used in commercial sex live only to an average age of 34. Many aren’t willing participants. The stark reality is that many aren’t even old enough to consent to sex. If apprehended, johns increasingly face serious criminal prosecution. These basic facts, if widely understood, should reduce the demand for commercial sex and thus lessen the number of human trafficking victims.

Is the effort to reduce demand for human trafficking a misguided moral crusade or an imperative to protect young people and others from those who profit from illegal, often involuntary, servitude? Decide for yourself. The answer seems pretty clear.

If you wish to join the effort, consider offering your time and financial support to charities that provide services to victims. Men can speak out against johns who purchase individuals for sex. Parents, parent-teacher organizations and schools can help educate children about how to protect themselves online. Doctors, nurses and hospitality and travel industry workers can seek training to identify victims and help them access services.

The fight to end the exploitation of human trafficking victims continues.

This post was written by Kenneth T. Cuccinelli II who is the attorney general of Virginia.  For the original post, go to:   http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/jan/15/the-truth-about-sex-trafficking/#ixzz2JH96Z6rr 

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Temptation at Victoria's Secret

3/4/2013

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Early in our marriage, we would receive Victoria's Secret catalogs in the mail.  Even back then, these catalogs were pornography.  They've only gotten worse.  

Nevertheless, I told Karyn about the draw those catalogs had for me and I asked her to not have those in the house, especially since we were raising boys.

By starving my eyes from those catalogs, they came to the point of having less attraction for me.  Over time, by telling Karyn about the things that turned me on, she was able to help me.  We would talk about those things that were tempting.  It was liberating to tell her and she would continue to love me and shield me from those things that held my attraction.  

After the boys were raised, I accompanied her to a Victoria's Secret store where she was trying on some clothes.  Being the dutiful husband, I went with her.  I thought, "I've gotten past that Victoria's Secret temptation.  I can handle this now."  

While I was sitting there, minding my own business and trying not to look at the images of scantily clad women on the walls, a very attractive young lady walked up to me and started talking to me.  I was polite and talked with her.  Then another attractive young lady and then another.  Before I knew it, I was surrounded by three very attractive young ladies.


Well, my ego got the best of me.  I started thinking, "these girls think I'm hot.  They're talking to me because they really like me."  I found myself paying more attention to them while they were flirting with me (or I thought they were flirting with me).  Then it hit me.  "What in the world am I doing?  I'm almost old enough to be these young ladies' father!"  Then Karyn came out of the dressing room and paid for some clothes she was buying.  

When we got outside, I confessed to Karyn what had happened.  She simply said, "of course those sales clerks were talking to you, you're safe.  You're much older than them.  The longer you stay in the store, the more likely I will buy something."  Well, I'll tell you, my ego was instantly deflated.  We continued our conversation and Karyn said that the clerks were occupying me so that she would spend more time shopping.  

Why do I share this story with you?  

Well I learned a few things about temptation:

- I said to myself before going into the store, "I can handle this."  God says, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall."  Knowing this was a past temptation, it would have been wise to ask God for strength before entering.  It might have been better to just not go into that store.

- I have a big ego and I need to keep it in check.  "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."   If I stay humble, God will give me more grace.

- Temptation changes.  I thought that I had the sin of lust conquered.  However, this temptation played into something different.  I was on my guard for lust but not on guard for my ego.  

- My ego got in the way of my ability to think clearly.  These young ladies were just doing what they had been taught.  "Keep the hubby happy and his wife will buy more stuff."  I was being played and never realized it.

So, my conclusion, my goal of this post is this:

Do you let your ego go unchecked? 
 
Do you humble yourself so that God can give you more grace?

If you think that you have temptation conquered, get ready.  You will find yourself tempted in ways that you haven't been considering.


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Now for something disgusting...

2/25/2013

2 Comments

 
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There have been a few times when I have been so angry, that I felt like slugging someone...

Let me set this up for you.  The church that I attended would put on a terrific Easter Musical every year.  It was a great production and much of the community would go.  It was quite popular.   I enjoyed being part of it.

I was at a fast food establishment and I overheard a conversation that I wish I had never heard.  Two young men were talking about the Easter Musical.  Since I was in the production, I listened intentionally.  Then they started talking to each other about how to pick up girls.  I heard the usual stupid man advice about showing off, flexing your muscles, driving a fast car, flattering, flirting, etc.  

However, what I heard next was REALLY DISGUSTING.   

I wish I hadn't been eavesdropping.

One young man said, "I take girls to that Easter Musical that's going on right now.   I cry when Jesus is on the cross and they get all emotional.  Then, when I get them home, they are  like putty in my hands.  I can do anything I want and they never say no."  He continued, "If I can't get a girl to go with me, I will hang out afterwards and talk to the girls that have been crying.  It's pretty easy to pick one up when they're like that."  It made my blood boil.  I wanted to slug the guy or say something but I was so angry and in such shock, I just sat there in disbelief.

Did you catch what was DISGUSTING about that conversation?  God talks about this.  He says, "They commit adultery with their eyes, and their desire for sin is never satisfied.  They lure unstable people into sin..."  

Why is this disgusting?

Did you catch what this young man said?  He took the most wonderful and supreme act of love and perverted it for his own selfish, sinful advantage.  And not only that, he took others with him.  

Do you find that disgusting?

I have talked about several disgusting things on this blog.  What makes this the most disgusting thing I have ever heard?  

Do you understand the gravity of this young man's statements?

It is downright disgusting to use something that is holy for sin.  To defile God's holiness with sin is a major affront to God.  This conversation gave me a whole different perspective on God's Holiness and what it means to be a man.  

A real man takes God's Holiness seriously.  That doesn't mean that a real man can't have fun and can't make light of some things that happen, even in a church.  But a real man knows better than to defile God with sin.   God and sin can NEVER be connected, even the slightest connection is abhorrent to God.

Do you defile God's Holiness?  Do you take Him seriously?  

God says we are to be holy in all we do.  Never connect God to sin.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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"But I'm Not Cheating!"

2/8/2013

3 Comments

 
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He sat across the table from me, trying to convince me that his behavior wasn't hurting anybody.  "I'm not having sex, I'm just having some fun!"  He proceeded to tell me  his story.   It's one that I have heard many times.  Unfortunately.

His behavior started fairly innocently.  He was happily married but there were occasions that his wife would work late.  During these times, on occasion, he would call a "chat line."  The conversations started out innocent enough but he didn't realize that he was being fleeced.  God speaks about this.  He says,"with persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk."   The young lady on the other end of the phone started flirting with him and tapped into his ego.  The next time he called her, she talked about how wonderful he was and how he helped her not to feel so lonely.  A few calls later, the trap was sprung.   He gave her his credit card number so that she would "tell him things that she knew he wanted to hear."  His calls continued with greater frequency.  He would get out of bed where his wife was sleeping to call this young lady.  She was always available to him and would say things that his wife would never say.  

He started to feel guilty and talked to the young lady about not calling her anymore.  That is when she set the hook.  She told him that she was a college student and that she needed the money to pay for school.  She admitted that she did this with just a few men and that they "weren't doing anything wrong."  

He looked at me and said, "but, I'm not cheating!!! I'm not having sex with her.  We're just having a little fun .  No one's getting hurt and I'm helping her pay for her education."  

I cautioned him about his behavior.  I explained to him what such behavior leads to.  That's when he said, "funny you should say that...."    He  then proceeded with this all too familiar story:

This young lady suggested that they meet.  It was a town that he visited on business often.   She explained that she offered private services to help men feel more masculine and perform better in bed.  She explained that he would enjoy it as "most men do."  

He went to the house that she and several other young women (who were working their way thru college too)  used to "help men."  There was never any intercourse.  He was "learning how to let a woman be in charge."   He found these lessons exhilarating.  He paused in his story, "but, I'm not cheating!!! We aren't having sex and I really like how she makes me feel."  It's as if he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.  

I would love to be able to tell you that this man conquered this illicit behavior but I cannot.  His life became a disaster.  

One night when he was talking to this young woman on the phone, his wife happened to be listening on the extension.  The next day, when he got home from work, he found his belongings on the yard, the locks changed and a court injunction prohibiting him from ever seeing his wife again.  The divorce proceedings were quick and he soon found himself on the street with no home.

I haven't had any contact with him since.  I don't know where he is and I don't know if he got help.  I do pray for him, hoping that he has turned to God and is living a life that represents Christ well.

Why do I tell you this story?  I guess you need to know that it is easy for men to rationalize their sinful behavior.   Men have a tendency to compartmentalize their behavior and think that their lives cannot be affected.  

God has something to say about this.  ‎"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be."   

So, what is in your heart?  
Are you pretending?  
Ask God to give you a new heart.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Caught in the parking lot

1/25/2013

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I was tasked with assessing a man regarding his sexual addiction.  

Unfortunately, his tale was all too familiar.  

As he sat across from me telling me that he is now considered a sexual offender and must register with the local police every time he moves, he started to unfold his story.  He told me that he had found his Dad's stash of Playboy and Hustler magazines when he was just eight years old.  

That is a bad sign...  The earlier a man is exposed to porn the greater are his chances that he will become addicted and the greater are his chances of getting into legal trouble.

The more he looked at porn, the more he wanted to look at porn.  (Interesting cycle, don't you think?)  The more he looked at porn, the more he fantasized about doing what he was watching on the porn movies.  

The more he watched porn, the less developed his social skills became.  This happens because porn causes a man to be selfish and just think about his own pleasure.  Friendships are unnecessary.  Girls are unnecessary because the girls in porn movies and magazines are always accessible and there for a man's pleasure.

It's a terrible cycle that entraps a man.  He wants to approach girls but fears rejection.  He wants to do the things he fantasizes about but he fears she will say no.  Finally, his isolation led him to frustration and he decided he would act upon some of his fantasies.  

A really weird thing about men addicted to porn is that they think that women are turned on by seeing male genitalia.  The porn that men watch gives a terribly distorted perspective of sexuality.  In actuality, women are more attracted to an intimate relationship than the male physique.

This man started to act upon his fantasies from the porn that he had been viewing over the years.  

One of his fantasies was that he would "accidentally" leave his zipper down and a woman would notice and become aroused.   He would walk around in grocery stores with his zipper down, fantasizing about his inevitable sexual encounter.  He was disappointed that no women noticed.

So, he developed another plan.  He decided that he would sit in his car close to the exits of stores with his pants open and hope that women would see and become aroused.  That didn't work either.  

So, his next step would be to call women over to his car, "to ask a question" and hope that with his pants open, they would notice, be sexually aroused and want to be with him.   He continued to be very disappointed.

He thought, because of his distorted perspective of women and sexuality, that what women were wanting to see was that he was sexually aroused, that he was erect, ready for sex.  So, he would sit in his car and fantasize about a woman jumping into his car and they would drive to a secluded place for a sexual encounter.  

One morning, while he was sitting in his car masturbating and fantasizing, he rolled his window down and asked a woman to come over because he had a "question" he wanted to ask her.  She approached his car, looked at him and where his hand was and instantly became repulsed.  She noted his license plate and called the police when she got home.  

She made a report to the police and he was arrested and prosecuted.  His prosecution was made public, his family was embarrassed and he lost his job.  

As he finished his story, I asked, "have you gotten rid of your porn?"  I knew his answer would be "no."  I was right.  The court wanted recommendations at the end of my assessment.  My recommendations were necessary:  no cable tv, no vcr/dvd player, no internet, no smart phone, no porn.  If he was caught in possession of any of these items, he would go to prison.  Also, he needed intensive counseling.  If this failed, then he would need residential treatment.

However, when the judge found out that he had not given up his porn, he acted swiftly.  This man immediately went to prison.  

Wouldn't it be nice if all of my stories ended in a positive note?  

This is a depressing, disgusting story.

Porn wins.

"Behold, you have sinned against the LORD and be sure that your sin will find you out."

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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The Garbage Collector

1/18/2013

9 Comments

 
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Where can porn take you?  I met a man who confessed to me that he digs thru the garbage dump to collect his porn.  

This man belongs to a very conservative sect of Christianity where one does not use electricity.   Because he is so separated from modern culture, I asked him how he became addicted to porn.  His answer was astonishing.  "I was dumping some trash out of a garbage bin and I saw a Playboy in the dump with the centerfold laying open."  He had never seen anything like this.  He had heard about "centerfolds" and was always intrigued but was thankful that those "worldly temptations" were something he never had to deal with.  Nevertheless, He quickly grabbed this magazine and tucked it down his pants.  Later that day, when he was alone, he ogled this picture and found himself extremely attracted to the naked woman.  He started to fantasize about her and then masturbated to her seductive image.

To me, the message was clear but lost on him:   Porn is garbage.  It belongs in the garbage.  It should stay in the garbage.  Garbage in, garbage out.  

What the garbage collector didn't know is that porn is insidious.  Porn never gives up.  It keeps taking and taking, offering false feelings of comfort until you end up doing things that you never imagined.

It didn't take long before centerfolds were no longer satisfying to him.  He started noticing, at the dump while looking for more centerfolds, other pictures.  In these pictures, there were women posing seductively with animals.  These pictures sparked further prurient interests for him.  He started attempting to have sex with his goat.  Over time, he moved on to other animals.  His addiction finally caught up with him when he found himself naked in the pig pen on all fours.  That's when he came to his senses and realized that he really, really, really had a problem.  

He was fortunate, because if he had been caught during these activities, he would have been charged with a crime.  Zoophilia is illegal in many U.S. states.  The medical issues that can occur are numerous.  However, the legal charges and the medical issues are not as severe as the toll that such behavior takes on a man's soul.  

More than zoophilia is the duplicity that this man lived.   He would go to church regularly and then engage in these detestable behaviors at other times.  That's what the sin of porn does.  It causes a man to pretend to be holy.  His energy ends up being consumed by things that weaken him rather than strengthen him. 

You may be thinking, "Porn will never do that to me.   I can control it."  However, let me assure you, porn will win.  It always does.  

Porn is garbage.  It belongs in the garbage.  It should stay in the garbage.  Garbage in, garbage out.  

If you are looking  at porn, stop.  Get rid of your stash.  Tell your pastor about your decision.  Become accountable to a counselor and a men's support group. 

With God's help, you can stop.  


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Fleshly lusts - The Greek Way

12/7/2012

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Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul

Peter in speaking of "fleshly lusts" uses the words, sarkikos (fleshly) and epithumia (lusts).   Sarkikos describes the impulses, cravings, and desires of the carnal flesh.  Epithumia is a compound word.  Epi (over) and thumos (passion). Hence, epithumia describes a person so overcome by some passionate desire that he completely gives himself over to it.  

Interpreted, this means that your flesh is never content until it has completely taken you over and consumed you.  It is impossible to freely participate in only a little taste of sin and then walk free of it.  Once the flesh has been allowed to indulge in that sin, the cry of the carnal nature to indulge in sin once more will become stronger and stronger, ferociously working against you in its attempt to pull you deeper & deeper into sin until you are completely conquered by it.  

If you have one temptation that you have to constantly fight more than others, how did that fight begin?  Did you look at something or allow your flesh permission to do something that you knew was wrong?  Did you open the door to this attack yourself by not saying no to the flesh at a critical moment in your life?  What are you going to do now to shut the door to the devil and drive this battle out of your head and flesh?

It is a whole lot easier to avoid fleshly temptations that it is to uproot them once they get deeply rooted in your mind, will and emotions.  So if the world around you is crying out for you to participate in its sinful activities, remind yourself that you are just a temporary traveler in this world with no rights to participate in such activities.  

Make the choice to refrain from the works of the flesh.

By making this decision, thru the power of God's Holy Spirit, you can avoid horrific battles that others fight every day in their minds because they didn't say no to temptations that were offered to them.

This post was adapted from Sparkling Gems from the Greek.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Thank God for Oxytocin

11/21/2012

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A new study from the Journal of Neuroscience, published in their November 14, 2012 edition has some interesting research for men.  No longer do we need God's aid to control ourselves.  A simple snort of oxytocin is all that is needed:  

The "love hormone" oxytocin may help maintain romantic relationships by prompting men to keep their distance from attractive women, a new study from Germany suggests.

In the study, men in monogamous relationships who were given an oxytocin nasal spray stayed about four to six inches farther away from an attractive, woman they didn't know, compared with men in monogamous relationships who received a placebo.

The oxytocin spray had no effect on the distance that single men chose to keep between themselves and the attractive woman.

The results suggest the hormone promotes fidelity in humans, said study researcher Dr. René Hurle­mann, of the University of Bonn. The findings agree with previous research conducted on prairie voles, which suggested the hormone plays a role in pair-bonding.

In humans, oxytocin has been found to promote bonding between parents and children, increase trust, and reduce conflict between couples. And earlier this year, a study found that couples with high levels of oxytocin in the early stages of a relationship were more likely to be together six months later than couples with lower levels of the hormone.

But until now, there has been no evidence that a dose of oxytocin given after a couple gets together contributes to the maintenance of the relationship, the researchers said.

The study involved 57 heterosexual males, about half of whom were in monogamous relationships. After receiving either a dose of oxytocin or placebo, participants were introduced to a female experimenter who they later described as "attractive."

During the encounter, the experimenter moved towards or away from the men, and they were asked to indicate when she was at an "ideal distance" away, as well as when she moved to a distance that felt "slightly uncomfortable."

The effect of oxytocin on the attached men was the same regardless of whether the female experimenter maintained eye contact, or averted her gaze. Oxytocin also had no effect on the men’s attitude toward the female experimenter — whether men received the oxytocin or the placebo, they rated her as being equally attractive.

In a separate experiment, the researchers found oxytocin had no effect on the distance men kept between themselves and a male experimenter.

Future studies are needed to determine exactly how oxytocin might act on the brain to affect behavior, the researchers said.

This post was adapted from NBC News medical team To investigate this matter further, click here for the original post.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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