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Practicing fatherhood - Part one

8/18/2014

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Some of the simplest lessons I have learned about being a father have been the most important for my children, and I have come to discover things that challenged what I previously thought about what it means to be a loving father. I have compiled this short list of lessons that I have learned over my years as a father in the hope that it might encourage others as they seek to live into that most precious gift they will ever receive and most important job title they will ever hold. 

1. After feeding, clothing, and sheltering my children, there is no more important task that I have in life than to introduce them to Jesus. Why don’t I follow the Sunday school answer to everything and put Jesus first here? Because God has given my children to my care, and caring for their needs in a loving, self-sacrificial way is one of the most prominent ways that I can show my children who God is and how much He loves them. This, in turn, helps me to communicate with them how Jesus is the ultimate image of God’s love. 



2. Play is the great bridge that crosses all other barriers between a father and a child. There have been times, especially with my son, where the kids don’t want much to do with Daddy. This most often happens when I am researching and working long hours or after I have taken a long trip. There are some hurt feelings upon my return, because I wasn’t there when they wanted me to be. There are also those times following discipline, or hurt feelings, or booboos when it is especially hard to talk with a child. It is at these times, in particular, that the act of playing can bring a child out of gloominess and into the joy of life. More than that, play is one of the greatest ways to bond with your children. It shows them that they are important, that their daddy (or mommy) wants to spend time with them, that their imaginations are good and wonderful, and that family time is some of the most enjoyable time of our lives. There have been many times when I did not play with my children, because I was distracted or feeling unwell. I regret every missed opportunity to play with them, and pray that God will give me the energy and “fun-lovingness” to play with them at every future opportunity. 

3. Being right is less important than being real. I am an “answer man.” I like to figure out why things work, how they came to be, and why it matters. It’s what makes me enjoy my research. However, I have found that when it comes to my children there are times when an answer man is needed (like when my son asks me what various animals eat), and there are times when I should keep my mouth shut, even when my urge is to correct something that is wrong. For a child who is growing and learning, it is more important for them to know their daddy is listening to them and learning with them than it is for daddy to have all the right answers.



4. Discipline should always be conducted out of love, and never in anger. Discipline administered in anger damages relationships. It is often too harsh (and uncontrolled), too swift, and too dismissive of your child. Loving discipline has at its heart the well-being of your child. Discipline doled out in anger is more often seeking retribution. 


This post is adapted from Practicing Fatherhood:  20 lessons from a young dad by Isaac N Hopper.


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10 things to do with your toddler in a half hour

8/9/2014

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So many young fathers today seem pressed for time.  Jobs, other commitments, helping at home and keeping in balance create additional demands that never seem to stop.  We all have to create opportunities for interaction with our children in limited time frames, but we also have to try to create quality time experiences with our children.  Children not yet in school need our time and attention, but it can be tough to come up with activities that they will enjoy in just a short amount of time.

These ten ideas for fun toddler activities when a dad has half an hour to spare can make fun memories, create a positive interaction and can help dads and their preschoolers connect with each other.

Get out the Play-Doh.  Do you remember the fun you had as a child with Play-Doh or other similar substances?  A couple of cans of Play-Doh and a few utensils could create many hours of fun.  So grab your favorite colors and get started with some fun at the kitchen table.  You can make an entire battlefield with tanks, create a western scene with horses and a stable, or just make lots of colorful worms.  Let your imagination run wild with a story and then make the props to fit.  If you don’t have some Play-Doh at home, you can make some with this easy recipe from About.com.

Head down to the playground. Toddlers love outdoor activities and they love using their gross motor skills to engage with others.  Heading out to the backyard swingset or down to the neighborhood park and lead to a really fun 30 minutes.  Swinging on swings, sliding down slides, or playing with other playground equipment will be fun for both you and your toddler.

Try Follow the Leader.  Follow the Leader is another game we may remember from a fun childhood.  In this game, either you or the child is “the leader” and the other follows their example.  You can run around, skip, jump, hide, dance or do other fun large scale motions and let your son or daughter follow.   And make sure that they get a turn being the “leader” and setting the pace.  Follow the Leader can happen indoors or outdoors and it is fun in both settings.

Grab a ball.  Toddlers love balls and enjoy rolling, throwing and trying to catch them.  Make sure that the ball is soft and appropriately-sized for your child.  You can sit on the floor and roll it back and forth, play underhanded catch, kick the ball back and forth and try bouncing it to the toddler.  These kinds of activities can build coordination and fine motor skills while you are just having fun together.

Take a nature walk.  Toddlers love spending time with their fathers, and taking a walk in the park or along a trail can be a lot of fun and educational too.  You can help the toddler identify plants and trees, look for evidence of animals in the area, listen to sounds like birds or heavy equipment, touch different kinds of items, and generally build their awareness of the outdoors and how things work in the world of nature.   Just keep talking and teaching as you walk.

Have a picnic.  Toddlers and dads both enjoy eating, so having a meal or a snack in a different place can lead to some fun.  Pack a picnic and eat in the back yard.  Or you might consider laying out a tablecloth on the living room floor and eating a treat there.  You can talk about how things taste and about their texture, helping your child learn more about her world along the way.

Wander the aisles at the library.  If you have a library close by, a trip there can be an amazing half-hour excursion.  Take a few minutes to wander through the aisles of books appropriate for your toddler’s age.  Take one that seems to catch her attention and read it to her.  If there are several books that strike her fancy, check out a few and bring them home for more reading fun together.

Grab an easy board game.  Toddlers also love games and they are even beginning to experience the desire for competition.  So find a great board gamethat is just right for your toddler.  A few that come to mind include Chutes and Ladders, Zingo and Hi Ho Cherry-O.  Any of these can be played in less than 30 minutes, will help you teach your child the value of both competition and good sportsmanship,and will allow you to have some fun moments together.

Be a sleeping monster.  Another thing toddlers love is to be surprised, and playing the sleeping monster game is full of surprises for them.  In this case, dad lays on the floor pretending to be a sleeping monster holding a small stuffed toy or a ball while the child tries to sneak up and take the toy before the monster can wake up.  Occasionally, the monster wakes up, grabs the child and tickles, hugs or kisses her.  At other times, the child can “just barely” escape and then the game starts over.

Open a bag of balloons.  Dads and kids love balloons, and a fun 30 minute activity can involve balloons in different ways.  You can blow up and tie off a balloon or two and then bounce them around, trying not to let them hit the floor.  Or you might blow one up, then let it go and try to catch it as it flies around.  Or you could blow up a balloon, tie it off and then rub it on your child’s hair to build up static electricity and then “stick” the balloon on a wall.  A few creative ideas with balloons can easily fill a free half hour with fun!

This post was written by Wayne Parker.  for the original post, go to:  
http://fatherhood.about.com/od/preschooleractivities/fl/Ten-Things-to-Do-With-Your-Toddler-in-Half-an-Hour.htm?nl=1


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5 reasons why fathers are an endangered species

8/8/2014

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There you are…quitely lurking away from view. Your prey doesn’t see you and you are getting ready to pounce. One wrong move and you will scare them away. You can’t afford to make a noise or you will lose the hunt. Everything is riding on this moment…then you strike. TICKLE MONSTER!!!!!!!! Your heart and life instantly fills with laughter as your children succomb to the power that comes with identifying pressure points on the body meant for tickling. You are a father. You are awesome and you know it. Then, as soon as it started, it abuptly ends in a crash! You just broke something. Something Mommy really likes. Kids and Daddy are now in trouble. Oh, but it was worth it.

There have been so many times during my work day where I will start laughing simply thinking about my kids. I will look at a picture on my desk, and start cracking up. In that picture, my daughter is making that face. You know what face I am talking about. I can’t help it. I love them so much. Fatherhood is the most rewarding discipleship ministry I am involved in. It just is.

Fatherhood, in general, is like that…it is not all perfect and happy, but the reward is amazing. The problem is, fathers are becoming an endangered species. The male reproductive contributor has not been decreasing in popularity, but fathers have…why is this?

I think there are 5 main reasons why fathers are becoming an endangered species.

1. It is difficult- When it comes to discipline, consistency, and the expectation of provision, the role of a father becomes harder and harder when one is fully involved. Mommy definitely has an extremely hard job, but both parents should be active in the life of a child. Sometimes it is easy to default to anger, lethargy, or a general disconnection with th fatherly role. In my personal experience, it is hard to work a full day and get home in time to play with my children a few hours before bed time. It can be taxing and I find myself turning my mind and heart on autopilot. Dad, fight this temptation. Don’t allow yourself to become jaded or remote.

2. Sometimes work comes before family- This is a dangerous attitude to be in. It is easy to default to this mode when we feel like the full provision of the household rests on our shoulders. We become stressed and determined to make sure that our sweat and effort will produce more and more. Granted, this is the most traditional view of a father, and many households do not reflect this expectation, but there are so many that do. We have to remember that we are not alone in our fight and we are not called to venture through this role alone. Relying soley on our strength will eventually lead to collapse. Do not worship your work, and let yourself believe that you are defined by your occupation or how much money is in your account. We shouldn’t walk away from our responsibilities, but we can not forsake our first call.

3. We think kids come before spouse- Now, I know that many families are single parent households, and this will not apply to everyone, but I think it is still important to say. Your spouse comes first. Why do I say this? I say this because God has put you together for a lifetime…to grow, love, and team teach a new generation. Your children will be with you for 18-21 years…your spousal relationship will be for a lifetime. Plus, your kids need to see affection, respect, conflict resolution, and laughter among their parents. If you are a single father, your child needs to see the respect for the people around you. You are an example to them.

4. We are not fully involved- This is a simple one to understand. Quantity time and quality time are both important. Not valuing these things can be detrimental to fathers. It’s okay to look foolish while acting in a spontaneous make-believe play. It is okay to knock things over while wrestling. It is okay to care about what kind of diapers, crafts, and education your children is receiving. In fact…it is amazing.

5. The role has been under emphasized- One of my pet peeves involves this very thing. An example would be found in the countless times I see people posting questions on social media asking for parenting advice. The question always starts like this, “Okay Mom’s, I have an opinion question…Junior is not sleeping at night and I was wondering…” Did you catch it? Just one time, I want to read a question that says, “Dad’s! What ways have you gotten your kids to eat vegetables?” It is a minor thing, but we have done this to ourselves…fathers have almost been removed from the conversation of the daily operations of parenting and this is unacceptable. We have to reclaim this…

I realize that there are men out there that have been praying for a long time for the opportunity to be a father. I know many in this situation, and I propose we take some regular time out of our day to pray for those in this situation. It can be hard to wait/ fervently pray any amount of time for God to bring this blessing.

Love you all. Fight the good fight.

This post was written by Rev DeCrastos.  For the original post, go to:  http://other-words.net/2014/08/01/5-reasons-why-fathers-are-an-endangered-species/


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Which listener are you?

7/17/2014

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Two teenagers each sit down in front of an adult in two totally separate venues. In each situation an adult asks questions and the teenager responds.

In one of these situations the teenager is freed to express himself and literally can’t stop talking.

In the other situation the teenager clams up immediately.

What’s the difference?

Maybe you’ve experienced this. You’re trying to engage a teenager in conversation, but he or she immediately puts up a wall and you feel like you are prying answers from the kid.

Let me introduce you to the two types of listeners: the parole officer and the counselor. One asks questions in search for a violation, the other listens to understand.

THE PAROLE OFFICER LISTENER
First, I apologize to all parole officers for the stigma. I’m sure there are some great parole officers out there who really care, but I simply use the example because most people are not excited about sitting down in front of an individual who is not only going to ask them questions from a position of authority, but also has the ability to use the provided information against them! It’s a one-up relationship and in most situations, the parolee isn’t very excited to be questioned in the first place.

Questions can be great tools to engage young people, but not when you ask them like a parole officer in search of a violation.

“Where were you last night?”

“Was that boy Chris with you?”

These questions aren’t asked with the intent to get to know your kid; they are being asked to gather incriminating evidence. As soon as the poor kid answers something wrong you’ll exclaim, “Aha! I knew it!”

Similarly, some people ask nagging questions.

“Did you turn in your permission slip?”

“Did you finish the lawns?”

“Did you feed Wolfgang?”

Don’t ask questions like a person looking for malfeasance.

Don’t ask questions like someone who actually uses the word “malfeasance!”

Instead, ask question like…

THE COUNSELOR LISTENER
Counselors bill as much as $300 per hour.

What is so special about what they do?

They listen without judgment. The sit in a chair for an hour, talking a little, listening a lot… and people pay them big bucks to do so.

Why?

People want to be heard. People want to be understood. People want someone who is willing to put all of their other interests aside and focus 100% of their attention on them, without distraction.

Most people have to pay for this.

Funny, in the beginning of my book, Get Your Teenager Talking, I provide a handful of pointers about how to engage young people in conversation. In those first few pages I recommend a skill rarely used by parents.

The skill is this: notice.

Counselors notice. They notice body language, tone and word choice. One reason they are able to do this is because they are actually paying attention. They aren’t doing bills or putting away groceries while casually asking, “How was your day?”

When’s the last time you stopped and noticed your son or daughter. What are they wearing? Why did they dress that way today? What are they looking forward to more than anything that day? What are they loathing? What helps them numb the pain? Who can they share that pain with?

Do you know the answers to these questions?

If you want to get to know your kid like this, you have to learn to approach them like someone who wants to get to know them… not someone looking for malfeasance.


This post was written by Jonathan McKee.  You can find the original post here:  http://www.patheos.com/blogs/afewgrownmen/2014/05/which-listener-are-you/



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Top 10 Mistakes Christian Parents of Teens Make

5/30/2014

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It might be difficult for some parents to read through, but here’s a top ten list that I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Here is my top ten mistakes Christian parents of teens make:

10. Not spending time with your teen.

A lot of parents make the mistake of not spending time with their teens because they assume their teens don’t want to spend time with them! While that’s true in some contexts, teens still want and need “chunks” of one-on-one time with parents. Despite the fact that teens are transitioning into more independence and often carry a “I don’t need/want you around” attitude, they are longing for the securing and grounding that comes from consistent quality time.

Going for walks together, grabbing a coffee in order to “catch up,” going to the movies together, etc., all all simple investments that teens secretly want and look forward to. When you don’t carve out time to spend with your teen, you’re communicating that you’re not interested in them, and they internalize that message, consciously or unconsciously.

9. Letting your teen’s activities take top priority for your family.

The number of parents who wrap their lives/schedules around their teen’s activities is mind-boggling to me. I honestly just don’t get it. I know many parents want to provide their children with experiences and opportunities they never had growing up, but something’s gone wrong with our understanding of family and parenting when our teen’s wants/”needs” are allowed to overwhelm the family’s day-to-day routines.

Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God (individually and as a couple), themselves and each other, but sadly all of these are often neglected in the name of “helping the kids get ahead.” “Don’t let the youth sports cartel run your life,” says Jen singer, author of You’re A Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either). I can’t think of many good reasons why families can’t limit teens to one major sport/extra-curricular activity per season. Not only will a frenetic schedule slowly grind down your entire family of time, you’ll be teaching your teen that “the good life” is a hyper-active one. That doesn’t align itself to Jesus’ teaching as it relates to the healthy rhythms of prayer, Sabbath, and down-time, all of which are critical to the larger Christian task of “seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).

8. Spoiling your teen.

We are all tempted to think that loving our kids means doing all we can to ensure they have all the opportunities and things we didn’t have growing up. This is a terrible assumption to make. It leads to an enormous amount of self-important, petty, and ungrateful kids. A lot of the time parents are well-intentioned in our spoiling, but our continual stream of money and stuff causes teens to never be satisfied and always wanting more. Your teen doesn’t need another piece of crap, what he needs is time and attention from you (that’s one expression of spoiling that actually benefits your teen!).

There are two things that can really set you back in life if we get them too early:

a. Access to too much money.
b. Access to too many opportunities.

Parents need to recognize they’re doing their teens a disservice by spoiling them in either of these ways. Save the spoiling for the grandkids.

7. Permissive parenting.

“Whatever” — It’s not just for teens anymore! The devil-may-care ambivalence that once defined the teenage subculture has now taken root as parents shrug their shoulders, ask, “What can you do?” and let their teens “figure things out for themselves.” I think permissive parenting (i.e., providing little direction, limits, and consequences) is on the rise because many parents don’t know how to dialogue with and discipline their children. Maybe parents don’t have any limits of boundaries within their own life, so they don’t know how to communicate the value of these to their teen. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to, because their own self-esteem is too tied up in their child’s perception of them, and they couldn’t handle having their teen get angry at them for actually trying to parent. Maybe it’s because many parents feel so overwhelmed with their own issues, they can hardly think of pouring more energy into a (potentially) taxing struggle or point of contention.

Whatever the reason, permissive parenting is completely irreconcilable with a Christian worldview. I certainly do not advocate authoritarian parenting styles, but if we practice a permission parenting style we’re abdicating our God-given responsibility to provide guidance, nurture, limits, discipline and consequences to our teen (all of which actually help our teen flourish long-term).

6. Trying to be your teen’s best friend.

Your teen doesn’t need another friend (they have plenty); they need a parent. Even through their teens, your child needs a dependable, confident, godly authority figure in their life. As parents we are called to provide a relational context characterized by wisdom, protection, love, support, and empowerment. As Christian parents we’re called to bring God’s flourishing rule into our family’s life. That can’t happen if we’re busy trying to befriend our teen. Trying to be your teen’s friend actually cheats them out of having these things in their lives.

Sometimes parents think that a strong relationship with their teen means having a strong friendship—but there’s a fine line that shouldn’t be crossed. You should be friendly to your teen but you shouldn’t be your teen’s friend. They have lots of friends, they only have one or two parents—so be the parent your teen needs you to be.

5. Holding low expectations for your teen.

Johann Goethe once wrote, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat as man as he can and should be, and he become as he can and should be.” All of us rise to the unconcious level of expectation we set for ourselves and perceive from others. During the teenage years, it’s especially important to slowly put to death the perception that your teen is still “a kid.” They areemerging leaders, and if you engage them as such, you will find that over time, they unconsciously take on this mantle for themselves. Yes, your teen can be moody, self-absorbed, irresponsible, etc., but your teen can also be brilliant, creative, selfless, and mature. Treating them like “kids” will reinforce the former; treating them as emerging leaders will reinforce the latter.

For an example of how the this difference in perspective plays out, I’ve written an article entitled “The Future of an Illusion” which is available as a free download from www.meredisciple.com (in the Free Downloads section). It specifically looks at my commitment to be involved in “emerging church ministry” as opposed to “youth ministry,” and it you may find some principles within it helpful.

4. Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement.

This one is one of my personal pet peeves (but not just because this is my professional gig). I simply do not understand parents who expect and want their kids to have a dynamic, flourishing faith, and yet don’t move heaven and earth to get them connected to both a youth group and local church.

I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret: no teenager can thrive in their faith without these two support mechanisms. I’m not saying a strong youth group and church community is all they need, but what I am saying that you can have everything else you think your teen needs, but without these two things, don’t expect to have a spiritually healthy and mature teen. Maybe there are teens out there who defy this claim, but honestly, I can’t think of one out of my own experience. As a parent, youth group and church involvement should be a non-negotiable part of your teen’s life, and that means they take priority over homework (do it the night before), sports, or any other extra-curricular commitments.

Don’t be the parent who is soft on these two commitments, but pushes their kid in schooling, sports, etc. In general, what you sow into determines what you reap; if you want to reap a teenager who has a genuine, flourishing faith, don’t expect that to happen if you’re ok with their commitment to youth group/church to be casual and half-hearted.

3. Outsourcing your teen’s spiritual formation.

While youth group and church is very important, another mistake I see Christian parents make is assuming them can completely outsource the spiritual development of their child to these two things. I see the same pattern when it comes to Christian education: parents sometimes choose to send their children/teens to Christian schools, because by doing so they think they’ve done their parental duty to raise their child in a godly way.

As a parent–and especially if you are a Christian yourself–YOU are THE key spiritual role model and mentor for your teen. And that isn’t “if you want to be” either–that’s the way it is. Ultimately, you are charged with teaching and modelling to your teen what follow Jesus means, and while church, youth groups, Christian schools can be a support to that end, they are only that: support mechanisms.

Read Deuteronomy 6 for an overview of what God expects from parents as it relates to the spiritual nurture and development of their children. (Hint: it’s doesn’t say, “Hand them off to the youth pastor and bring them to church on Sunday.”)

2. Not expressing genuine love and like to your teen.

It’s sad that I have to write this one at all, but I’m convinced very few Christian parents actually express genuine love and “like” to their teen. It can become easy for parents to only see how their teen is irresponsible, failing, immature, etc., and become a harping voice instead of an encouraging, empowering one.

Do you intentially set aside time to tell your teen how much you love and admire them? Do you write letters of encouragement to them? Do you have “date nights” where you spend time together and share with them the things you see in them that you are proud of?

Your teen won’t ask you for it, so don’t wait for an invitation. Everyday say something encouraging to your teen that builds them up (they get enough criticism as it is!). Pray everyday for them and ask God to help you become one of the core people in your teen’s life that He uses to affirm them.

1. Expecting your teen to have a devotion to God that you are not
cultivating within yourself.


When I talk to Christian parents, it’s obvious that they want their teen to have a thriving, dynamic, genuine, life-giving faith. What isn’t so clear, however, is whether that parent has onethemselves. When it comes to the Christian faith, most of the time what we learn is caught and not taught. This means that even if you have the “right answers” as a parent, if you’re own spiritual walk with God is pathetic and stilted, your teen will unconciously follow suit. Every day you are teaching your teach (explicitely and implicitely) what discipleship to Jesus looks like “in the flesh.”

What are they catching from you? Are you cultivating a deep and mature relationship with God personally, or is your Christian parenting style a Christianized version of “do as I say, not as I do”?

While having a healthy and maturing discipleship walk as a parent does not garauntee your teen will follow in your footsteps, expecting your teen to have a maturing faith while you follow Jesus “from a distance” is an enormous mistake.

You are a Christian before you are a Christian parent (or any other role). Get real with God, share your own struggles and hypocrisy with your entire family, and maybe then God will begin to use your example in a positive and powerful way.



This post was written by Pastor Jeff Strong.  You can find the original post here:  http://meredisciple.com/blog/2010/06/top-ten-mistakes-christian-parents-of-teens-make/

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Sports vs Church

5/29/2014

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Last Sunday morning I found myself sitting on a soccer field with one of my children for a tournament game. It was a beautiful morning. The sun was shining. I was enjoying some fabulous coffee.

I was also experiencing great frustration and conflict. I was frustrated because I could count 20 families from our church who were also at sports games that morning. This meant that these families were not at church.

I was also conflicted as I reflected on how I got into this situation. My husband and I know the value of church family. We know that consistency is very important for our children to build relationships with their church family and to grow as disciples of Christ. We have made many decisions over the years to say “no” to other things in order to say “yes” to church. And, yet, here I was on a soccer field on a Sunday morning! A couple weeks earlier the coach gathered the parents around and presented this opportunity for the soccer tournament that would land on a Saturday and Sunday. The way it was put to us, I felt like I had no choice but to participate. The team wouldn’t be able to play in the tournament unless everyone chose to play. If we said no, we would be letting down 12 other kids.

So, here I was sitting on the sidelines of a soccer game contemplating the predicament of so many families. Many families I’ve talked to about this feel like they have no choice for a variety of reasons. Maybe it’s a sport that our kids love, maybe there are opportunities that would be missed if we pulled our kids, maybe we feel an obligation to a team, maybe there’s real potential in our little athletes that may never be recognized. There are many reasons that we come to the decisions that keep our families away from church. I completely understand how we get there – but I also know the long term effect that missing church will take on our families. And that’s the predicament that has been tormenting me.

Now, I’m not saying that one missed Sunday is going to derail your children’s spiritual growth. But I have noticed that our society is set up to undermine this discipline of regular fellowship with our church family.  So unless we are very vigilant to protect our church commitment, we can quickly find that one Sunday missed has become many Sundays missed, and before long church has ceased to be a habit and is reduced to something we do when we don’t have anything else to do on Sunday mornings.

When we say “yes” to one thing, we are saying “no” to something else. I have seen it too easily happen that without meaning to reject church, families are saying “yes” to extracurricular activities – but this “yes” is also a “no” to consistency at church activities and developing relationships with our church family.  I have spoken to so many parents who spend years on the field, at the pool, on the ski slopes, in the gym, or in the studio and when they get to the other side of these years have deep regrets. Their children don’t want to go to church, they don’t have relationships with peers or leaders who know and love Jesus, and they have not developed the discipline of making church a priority. These parents who now have grown children have expressed that they would do it different if they could go back and do it again. I have had several parents with grown children express that it was not worth it. They did not carefully guard their priorities and allowed other commitments to push out what was most important. They can look back and see that the time spent on other activities directly affected their children’s relationship with church and this directly affected their relationship with God.

Church attendance is not the goal…however, church is the way that God has provided for people to grow in their knowledge and love of who God is and build relationships with other disciples and from this time of focusing on Jesus and connecting with others who love Jesus we can go out into the world and spread the good news of Jesus Christ and his love with others.

I’m back to my predicament….I know that church is important….I also feel like I don’t have a choice sometimes. Can we learn from the parents that have gone before us? Can we step back a bit and think about the adults that we are raising? What if our children get to their early 20’s and have no relationship with God or other disciples of Jesus? Will we look back and say, “Well, at least they made it to the championships!”? Or will we look back with regrets and disappointment that our priorities were not reflected on our calendar?

Like I said earlier, this particular weekend I could count 20 families in the same position that I found myself in. Most were also frustrated and feeling helpless. Most of my friends find themselves making this no-win choice at some point in the year depending on the season. Many families are even sacrificing rest and are so busy and going so hard that they are making themselves physically sick.

Could there be a better way?  What if we ALL joined together and said, “NO! No more sports on Sundays!”? When we were kids, there was never anything scheduled on Sundays. We never had to choose between sports and church. Sundays were saved for church and family and gathering with friends. Can we reclaim our Sundays if we all worked together?

I propose that we give it a try! I also will say that even if our society won’t cooperate, for me and my family I will do what I can to maintain consistency for my children to be at church and build relationships with other kids and youth who know and love Jesus! I will not tell you what is best for your family…I will encourage you to take some time out to prayerfully consider this, talk it over with your spouse, and make sure your priorities determine your calendar and not the other way around.



This post was written by Echo Kayser.  You can find her original post here:  http://familydiscipleshippath.com/2013/11/22/sports-vs-church/

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Hugging:  Helping children behave

5/23/2014

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My daughter Madisyn, who is a wonderfully strong-willed six-year-old child, didn't want to get up and get ready for school one morning. Being a strong-willed individual myself, I could sense a battle of wills brewing—though I was determined to avoid it.  I repeatedly asked her nicely to get up and get herself ready. I even picked out her clothes so she could move a little faster [a mistake that will be explained later]. Still, she refused to move.  I reminded her, still nicely, that the bus would be at our house soon, and if she didn't get dressed she was going to miss it.

She sat up, looked at her clothes, and screamed, "I don't want to wear that!"  Her tone was so nasty that I found it hard to keep myself composed, but I went to her room and picked out two other outfits so she could choose which one she wanted to wear.  I announced to her, "I laid out three sets of clothes. You need to pick one and get dressed."  I had almost made it to the bedroom exit when she fired back "I WANT FOUR!"

I was so angry at that point; and what came next surprised both of us. I walked over to her and said, "Madisyn, I am going to pick you up, hold you, hug you and love you...and when I am done you are going to get up, choose an outfit and get dressed."

When I picked her up and put my arms around her I felt her just melt in my arms.  Her attitude softened immediately and so did mine. That moment was amazing to me. A volatile situation turned warm in a few seconds—just because I chose to hug a child who was at that moment so un-huggable.

In your lecture you talked about the power of a hug to calm down an out-of-control child.  I've learned first-hand that you were absolutely right. Thank you for teaching others about the power of a hug!

Later Mary learned that the morning hassles could be reduced if her daughter picked out her own clothes the night before as part of her bedtime routine. This would help her feel capable instead of being told what to do, which invited rebellion. This example illustrates that even though hugs work to create a connection and change behavior, some misbehavior can be avoided by getting children involved in ways that helps them use their power in useful ways—for example picking out their own clothes.

Tantrums and Hugs


Now for the story that led to the example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum.  I watched a video of Dr. Bob Bradbury, who facilitated the “Sanity Circus” in Seattle, WA for many years. During Sanity Circus, Dr. Bradbury would interview a parent or teacher in front of a large audience. During the interview he would determine the mistaken goal of the child and would then suggest an intervention that might help the discouraged child feel encouraged and empowered. Bob shared the following example (which I am now telling in my words from my memory of what I saw on the video).

A father wondered what to do about his four-year-old, Steven, who often engaged in tempter tantrums. After talking with the father for a while, and determining that the mistaken goal was misguided power, Dr. Bradbury suggested, “Why don’t you ask your son for a hug.”
          
The father was bewildered by this suggestion. He replied, “Wouldn’t that be reinforcing the misbehavior?”
          
Dr. Bradbury said, “I don’t think so. Are you willing to try it and next week let us know what happens?”
          
The father agreed with misgivings. However, the next week he reported that, sure enough, Steven had a temper tantrum. Dad got down to his son’s eye level and said, “I need a hug.”
          
Between loud sobs, Steven asked, “What?”
          
Dad repeated, “I need a hug.”
          
Steven was still sobbing but managed to ask incredulously, “Now????”
          
Dad said, “Yes, now”
          
Steven stopped sobbing and said, reluctantly, “Oh all right,” as he stiffly gave his father a hug. In a few seconds he just melted into his fathers arms.
          
After they hugged for a few more seconds, Dad said, “Thanks. I really needed that.”
          
Steven sniffled a bit and said, “So did I.”

There are a few points I want to make about this story. You may wonder why the father said, “I need a hug,” instead of, “You need a hug.”

1) Since the mistaken goal in this case was “misguided power.” To suggest that his son needed a hug would like invite him to say, “No I don’t,” and only intensify the power struggle. How could Steven argue with the fact that his father needed a hug?

2) Children have an innate desire to contribute. Contribution provides feelings of belonging, significance, and capability. Steven really wanted to “give” to his father, even though begrudgingly at first.

3) Children do better when they feel better. Once Steven felt better by giving his father a hug, he let go of his tantrum and the power struggle and enjoyed the hug with his father.

4) A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. It can be difficult to remember this when faced with annoying, challenging, or hurtful behavior. For this reason it helps to have a plan for behavior that is a pattern.

5) Connection before Correction. A hug is a great way to make a connection, but not the only way.  I will mention a few more of the many possibilities:

6) Simply validate your child’s feelings. “You are feeling really upset right now.” Then step back and give energetic support while your child works through it.

7) Name what is happening and then offer an alternative. For example:  “It seems to me that we are in a power struggle right now. I love you and know we can work on a win/win solution if we wait until we calm down.” Or, “I can see you really want my attention right now. I love you and I don’t have time right now but I’m looking forward to our special time at 7:30.” (Of course, this requires advance planning to make sure you have set up scheduled, special time with your children.)

8) Do the unexpected. Instead of reacting to the challenging behavior, ask your child. “Do you know I really love you?” This sometimes stops the misbehavior because your child is so surprised by your question/statement, and may feel enough belonging and significance from that simple statement to “feel better and do better.”

There are many other possibilities to make a connection and to help children feel better so they’ll do better. Techniques are very narrow and often don’t work. A principle is wider and deeper—and there are many ways to apply a principle. Go into your heart and your wisdom and you’ll know how to apply the principles of connection before correction, focusing on solutions, empowering children—and hugs—that are even better than the examples.

This Adlerian parenting principle is taken from the Positive Discipline blog: http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2010/02/hugs-positive-discipline-tool-card.html




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Limiting choices with children

5/22/2014

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Offering limited choices instead of making demands can be very effective. Children often respond to choices when they will not respond to demands, especially when you follow the choice with, "You decide." 

Choices should be respectful and should focus attention on the needs of the situation. Choices are directly related to responsibility. 

Someone once said that we should have a statue of responsibility next to the stature of liberty. Younger children are less capable of wide responsibility, so their choices are more limited. Older children are capable of broader choices, because they can assume responsibility for the consequences of their choice. For instance, younger children might be given the choice of going to bed now or in five minutes. Older children might be given full responsibility for choosing their bedtime, because they also take full responsibility for getting themselves up in the morning and off to school without any hassles. 

Choices are also directly related to the respect for, and convenience of, others. Younger children might be given the choice of coming to dinner on time or waiting until the next meal to eat, rather than expecting someone to cook and clean up more than once. Older children might be given the choice of being on time or fixing their own dinner and cleaning up any mess they make. 

Whenever a choice is given, either alternative should be acceptable to the adult. My first try at choices was to ask my three year old, "Do you want to get ready for bed?" She didn’t. Obviously, the choice I offered was beyond the need (mine and hers) for her to go to bed, and the choice I offered did not include an alternative I was willing to accept. 

I waited five minutes and started again by asking, "Would you like to wear your pink pajamas or your blue pajamas? You decide." She chose her blue pajamas and started putting them on. Adding, "You decide," after a choice is very empowering. It adds emphasis to the fact that the child does have a choice. 

What if they don’t want either choice and want to do something else. 

If the something else is acceptable to you, fine. If it is not, say, "That isn’t one of the choices." And, then repeat the choices and, "You decide." Children may not have a choice about many things, such as whether or not to do their homework. Homework needs to be done, but children can be offered a choice as to when they would like to do it, such as right after school, just before dinner, or after dinner. 

It is important to remember that the feeling behind what you do is as important as what you do. 

The key is to be kind and firm at the same time. 

This Adlerian parenting principle is taken from the Positive Discipline blog: http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2012/12/limited-choices.html

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Logical Consequences

5/21/2014

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Logical consequences are different from natural consequences in that they require the intervention of an adult—or other children in a family or a class meeting. It is important to decide what kind of consequence would create a helpful learning experience that might encourage children to choose responsible cooperation.

For example, Linda liked to tap her pencil while doing deskwork. This disturbed the other children. Her teacher gave her the choice to stop tapping or to give up her pencil and complete the work later. (It is usually a good idea to give children a choice either to stop their misbehavior or to experience a logical consequence.) Of course there are other solutions. Often a child is not aware that his or her behavior is disturbing others. The teacher could simply ask Linda to please stop tapping her pencil. Or the teacher could work out a solution with Linda, or they could agree to ask the class for help during a class meeting. If a consequence feels even close to punishment, choose another Positive Discipline tool.

Dan brought a toy car to school. His teacher called him aside and asked him if he would like to leave it with her or with the principal until after school. Dan chose to leave it with his teacher. (It is a good idea to speak to children about a consequence in private, when possible, so they don’t lose face with their peers.)

Giving children a choice and speaking to them in private about the consequences are not the only guidelines for effectively applying logical consequences. If this were so, it would be reasonable to give a child a choice either to stop his misbehavior or to have a spanking. The Three Rs and an H for Logical Consequences is a formula that identifies the criteria to help ensure that logical consequences are solutions, rather than punishment.

The Three Rs and an H of Logical Consequences

  1. Related

  2. Respectful

  3. Reasonable
  4. Helpful

Related means the consequence must be related to the behavior. 


Respectful means the consequence must not involve blame, shame or pain; and should be kindly and firmly enforced. It is also respectful to everyone involved. 

Reasonable means the consequence must not include piggy backing and is reasonable from the child’s point of view as well as the adult’s. 

Helpful means it will encourage change for everyone involved. If any of the Three Rs and an H is missing, it can no longer be called a logical consequence. These could also be renamed as the Three Rs and an H for Focusing on Solutions.

When a child writes on a desk, it is easy to conclude that the related consequence would be to have the child clean up the desk. But what happens if any of the other four Rs is missing?

If a teacher is not respectful and adds humiliation to his request that the desk be cleaned, it is no longer a logical consequence. Mr. Martin thought he was using a logical consequence when he said to Mary in front of the whole class, "Mary, I’m surprised that you would do such a stupid thing. Now clean up that desk or I’ll have to let your parents know how disappointed I am in you." In this example, respect has been eliminated and the teacher did some piggy backing with humiliation.

If a teacher is not reasonable and requests that a student clean every desk in the room to make sure she has learned her lesson, it is no longer a logical consequence. Reasonableness has been eliminated in favor of the power to insure suffering. This is usually because of the mistaken belief that children learn only if they suffer.

If the consequence is not helpful it is easier to be construed as punishment. When both parties agree that the consequence would be helpful, it is more likely to encourage change.

When a child spills milk, the related consequence is to have him clean up the spill. It is not respectful if you say, "How can you be so clumsy? That is the last time I’ll let you pour milk." A more respectful comment would be, "Whoops. What do you need to do now?" (It is amazing how often the child knows what a solution would be, and how willing he is to do it, when asked respectfully.) If the child doesn’t know what to do, it could be because you haven’t taken time for training—thus making your expectation or request unreasonable. Handling it respectfully also demonstrates that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. It would not be reasonable to ensure that he suffers for his mistake by saying, "To make sure you learn, I want you to scrub the whole floor."

Actually, if adults eliminate one of the Four Rs so that consequences are not related, respectful, reasonable, and helpful, children may experience the Four Rs of Punishment.

  1. Resentment ("This is unfair. I can’t trust adults.")
  2. Revenge ("They are winning now, but I’ll get even.")
  3. Rebellion ("I’ll show them that I can do whatever I want:
  4. Retreat, in the form of sneakiness ("I won’t get caught next time.") or reduced self esteem ("I am a bad person.")

Parents and teachers don’t like to admit that, often, the main reason they like to use punishment is to demonstrate their power to win over the child or to gain revenge by making the child suffer. The subconscious thinking behind this idea is, I am the adult and you are the child. You will do what I say—or else you will pay.

This concept was depicted in a cartoon showing a mother watching her husband chase their child with a stick. In the caption the mother is calling, "Wait! Give him another chance." The father replies, "But he might not ever do it again." Obviously, it is more important for this father to make the child suffer for his misbehavior than to help him change it.

Suffering is not a requirement of logical consequences. For example, a child might enjoy cleaning up his desk. (This is fine, since the purpose of a logical consequence is to change the misbehavior and find a solution, not to get revenge by causing suffering.)

Logical consequences are not the best way to handle most problems. Many parents and teachers get so excited about logical consequences that they try to find a consequence for every misbehavior. I don’t know how many times I have heard people ask, "What would a logical consequence be for this situation?" I tell them, "If a related logical consequence isn’t obvious, then it is probably not appropriate to use a logical consequence in this situation." There are other methods that might be more effective, such as holding a family meeting, focusing on solutions instead of consequences, creating routines, offering limited choices, asking for help, dealing with the belief behind the behavior, deciding what you will do instead of what you will make your child do, following through with dignity and respect, hugging, or another Positive Discipline tool that seems appropriate for the situation.


This Adlerian parenting principle is taken from the Positive Discipline blog:  http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2013/05/logical-consequences.html


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Natural Consequences

5/20/2014

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A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don’t eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold. No piggy backing allowed. Adults piggy back when they lecture, scold, say, "I told you so," or do anything that adds more blame, shame, or pain than the child might experience naturally from the experience.

Children usually feel bad or guilty when they make a mistake. Piggy backing lessens the learning that can occur from experiencing a natural consequence because the child stops processing the experience and focuses on absorbing or defending against the blame, shame, and pain. Instead of piggy backing, show empathy and understanding for what the child is experiencing: "I’ll bet it was hard to go hungry (get wet, get that bad grade, lose your bicycle)." When it seems appropriate, you could add, "I love you and have faith in you to handle this." It can be difficult for parents to be supportive without rescuing or overprotecting, but it is one of the most encouraging things you can do to help your children develop a sense of capability. Let’s look at an example of how natural consequences work.

Billy, a first grader, forgot his lunch every day. Mother would interrupt her busy schedule to drive to school with his lunch. After learning about natural consequences, she decided that Billy might learn to remember his lunch if he experienced the natural consequence of forgetting. She first discussed this with Billy, letting him know she was confident that he could be responsible for remembering his lunch. She also told him she would no longer bring his lunch to school if he forgot it. It is very important and respectful to discuss, in advance, when you plan to change your behavior.

Her intentions were sabotaged for a while because Billy’s teacher took over and loaned him money for lunch when he forgot. It was not until Mother and Billy’s teacher got together on a plan to allow Billy to learn from the natural consequences of his choices that his behavior changed.

Billy tested the plan. The next time he forgot his lunch, he asked his teacher if he could borrow some lunch money. She said, "I’m sorry, Billy, but we agreed that you could handle your lunch problem by yourself." Billy then phoned his mother and demanded that she bring his lunch. Mom also kindly but firmly reminded him that he could handle the problem. Billy pouted for a while, even though one of his friends gave him half a sandwich.

After that, Billy seldom forgot his lunch. When he did forget it, he managed to find someone who would share some food with him. By the time Billy reached the second grade, he added the responsibility of making his own lunch, as well as remembering to take it.

Many adults don’t have much tolerance for the whining, pouting and disappointment. Billy’s mother did not find it easy to listen to her child be demanding, and it was difficult for her to allow him to experience being upset. She noticed some guilty feelings because he was hungry, but reminded herself that forgetting his lunch was really just a small mistake, one of many Billy would make in his lifetime. If she did not follow through on her plan, he would not be learning the life skill of getting a little more organized in the morning, and the good feelings of handling a problem himself. Instead he would be learning that whenever things didn’t work out for him, he could whine or complain and get someone else to take care of his problems. Looking at it that way, Mother was able to stay calmer.

Even though natural consequences often help children learn responsibility, there are times when natural consequences are not practical:

1. When a child is in danger. Adults cannot allow a child to experience the natural consequences of playing in the street, for example.

2. When natural consequences interfere with the rights of others. Adults cannot allow the natural con- sequences of allowing a child to throw rocks at another person, for example. This is one reason why supervision is especially important with children under the age of four. The only way you can prevent potential dangerous situations for children this age is to supervise so you can rush in and prevent a dangerous occurrence.

3. When the results of children’s behavior do not seem like a problem to them and the natural consequences will adversely affect their health and well being. For example, it does not seem like a problem to some children if they don’t take a bath, don’t brush their teeth, don’t do their homework, or eat tons of junk food.



This Adlerian parenting principle is taken from the Positive Discipline blog:  http://blog.positivediscipline.com/2012/04/natural-consequences.html

BE HOLY.

BE A MAN.

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