Last week was anti-porn week here at Ironstrikes.  I hope that you were able to read about the five topics:

1.  Porn and sexual satisfaction
2.  Porn and fake relationships
3.  Porn and women
4.  Porn and cruelty
5.  Porn is insidious

Readers have asked about the Zillman-Bryant study from which these five posts were taken.  In the early 1980s, Dr. Doll Zillmann of Indiana University and Dr. Jennings Bryant of the University of Alabama wondered whether continued exposure to video pornography had any impact on people's sexual beliefs and their attitudes towards women.  For their experiment, 80 male and 80 female college-age participants were divided into three subgroups, and each group was shown 4 hours and 48 minutes of media.  

1.  The first group, the “Massive Exposure Group,” was shown 36 non-violent pornographic films over a six-week period. 

2.  The second group, the “Intermediate Exposure Group,” was exposed to 18 pornographic films and 18 regular films over a six-week period. 

3.  The third (control) group, the “No Exposure Group,” was shown 36 non-pornographic movies over a six--week period

You may be saying, "that is an old study, what relevance does it have to today?"

At a 2011 conference, Dr. Mary Anne Layden commented about Zillmann and Bryant’s 25-year-old research. “When this study was done, what was called the ‘Massive Exposure Group" -- seeing five hours of porn over  a six-week period -- "I now call that the Friday Afternoon Group."

Her statement is far from an exaggeration.  A recent survey of 29,000 people at North American universities, shows 51% of men and 16% of women spend up to five hours per week online for sexual purposes, and another 11% of men spend anywhere from five to twenty  hours per week. What used to be “massive” exposure is now common practice.

Furthermore, the Internet has not only increased the public’s exposure to porn, but has also changed the way it is consumed. Dr. Jill Manning believes Zillmann and Bryant’s findings have greater applicability in the modern age because Internet porn tends to be more interactive and consumer-driven. Viewers can select exactly who and what they want to see, custom-tailored to their greatest specifications.

This week, I will be giving four solid tips in helping to curb your vulnerability to porn.

This post is taken from the booklet, YOUR BRAIN ON PORN by Luke Gilkerson.  The booklet can be found at:  http://www.covenanteyes.com/brain-ebook/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

 I recently picked up a copy of Premarital Sex in America by Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker and was pleasantly surprised at some of the insights. While I have been writing, teaching, and speaking for years to both teens and adults on the issue of premarital sex, this book opened my eyes to some of the more important trends emerging today.

This blog is adapted from the last chapter in the book entitled, “The Power of Stories and Ten Myths about Sex in Emerging Adulthood.” The empirical data suggests that these are true most of the time. There are exceptions, of course.

MYTH 1: Long-term relationships are a thing of the past

Many emerging adults (ages 18-23) tend to hold two views in tension—that sexual experimentation is valuable and yet one should not cheat on a monogamous partner. Indeed, many consider it stupid and unhealthy not to be sexually active in various relational settings. And yet most desire a lasting exclusive relationship. According to the research of Regnerus and Uecker, at least 50 percent of marriages last a lifetime, despite what most emerging adults tend to think.

MYTH 2: Sex is necessary to maintain a struggling relationship

The reality is that most relationships fail and the sooner one introduces sex into the relationship the greater chance it will fail.

MYTH 3: The sexual double standard between men and women is wrong and should be resisted

The authors of Premarital Sex in America argue that there are genuine differences in how men and women approach and experience sex that are deeply engrained. They conclude, “Unfortunately, many well-meaning adults and educators want so badly to dismantle the double standard that they work to normalize any and all consensual sexual relationships, rather than considering whether common experiences of sexual regret are in fact telling us something” (244).

MYTH 4: Boys are sexual beings and cannot be expected to follow sexual norms

This myth is both false and harmful. Young men can make wise sexual decisions if they are taught how to and the standard is set high.

MYTH 5: You are entirely in charge of your own sexuality; others’ decisions don’t matter

Despite the individualistic mindset that dominates how emerging adults think about sexuality our choices are deeply influenced by other people’s sexual decisions. The choices of other people affect us financially, emotionally, relationally, and in terms of our expectations of sexual behavior.

MYTH 6: Porn will not affect your relationships

I have written on this elsewhere, so I won’t go into detail. The reality is that porn use has a significant negative impact on relationships.

MYTH 7: Others are having more sex than you

Most emerging adults significantly overestimate how much sex is really going on around them. Most think that other people are having more sex than they actually are. As a result, emerging adults act on this false perception rather than reality.

MYTH 8: Sex doesn’t need to mean much

In reality sex is a very significant matter. There is nothing humans do that involves more of our minds, hearts, emotions, memories, self-image, and bodies. Sexual decisions stay with us for a lifetime.

MYTH 9: Marriage can wait for later

Despite common perceptions, the majority of emerging adults want to get married. But most want to wait awhile before doing so. The reality is that this is easier said than done. Life plans don’t always progress as young people envision.

MYTH 10: Living together is a positive step towards marriage

Between 50 and 70 percent of couples cohabit today. But only about 1 in 5 such relationships result in marriage. And the results are consistently pessimistic for those cohabiters who do marry (202).

I would highly recommend Premarital Sex in America for those who work with either emerging adults or younger students. It provides a deeply researched and balanced insight into the sexual lives of 18-23 year-olds.

This post was written by Sean McDowell.  You can find the original post here:  
http://www.conversantlife.com/relationships/ten-myths-about-premarital-sex

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

I was a camp counselor and we were having a great worship time with our preteen campers.  However, up front, two backup singers were helping the worship leader by moving in time with the music (some people would call it choreography, others would call it dancing).  With their movement, certain body parts were also moving and it was very noticeable.  Being a normal  man, I was distracted from my worship by such movement.  Afterwards, I overheard a couple of the preteens boys in a discussion about how these two women looked (they were camp counselors as well).  It was obvious that I wasn't the only male that was stimulated...

Men whom I have counseled have told me similar stories.  They become stimulated, and some even become triggered by such activity in the church.   Their mind wanders away from worship and often this stimulation leads to acting out once they leave church.  Not only do some become triggered by viewing worship leaders but sometimes they also become stimulated by the way that some women dress in the church.  If they attend a church that "hugs," these men may also be triggered by such activity.

These men need the strength that comes with corporate worship but it often backfires for them.

How does a man who is addicted to sexual activity keep himself from becoming triggered when he goes to church?  This is an extremely difficult thing for such men to work thru.  There are no easy answers and it takes real work to follow thru with some of these ideas:

1 - Don't sit up front or where you can see the worship leaders
2 - Or sit close to the front behind a large person who will block your view (that way you won't see the women in the congregation nor the women up front)
3 - Close your eyes when you are singing
4 - Concentrate on the Creator rather than the creation
5 - Come late to the service so that you miss the worship time
6 - Consider going to a church that does not have such stimulating activity
7 - Sit with a male friend who knows of your struggles who will help you stay focused and not let you look around and who will pray for you while in church
8 - Talk to your pastor about your struggles and ask for assistance/ideas 
9 - Join an accountability group and be honest about your thoughts during church and also pray about your mutual struggles.

These ideas are very hard to do and take much prayer, much mental discipline and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.  

The answer is not to just make sure that women dress correctly. In case you didn't know, in churches that have organs, many have a screen so that you cannot see the organist's feet.  This is done because it used to be too sensual for men to see the organist's naked foot.  So, policing what women in  the church wear is not the answer.  

If you are a pastor, worship leader, or someone in a position of authority in your church, I would encourage you to spend some time thinking and praying about your church and what kinds of messages your church may send to people who struggle with sexual sin.    Ask God to give you wisdom so that your church is healthy and not a hindrance.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we discussed the four core beliefs of someone with a sexual addiction.  Today, we continue the discussion.  

Impaired thinking shows up in a variety of ways as the addict reframes his actions in such a way as to diminish the blame and avoid confronting the reality about his life, marriage or work.  It is not uncommon for rationalization or denial to take over as the addict's way of coping with his addictive behavior.  He may justify his actions on the basis that his wife rejected him, does not like sex, is pregnant, is busy, or is preoccupied with the children.  He may justify it on  the basis  that the person he violated really wanted it, asked for it, and equipped it, so the incident really is as much the other person's doing as his.  Or it may be that he denies that it was really that bad.  

In addition to rationalization and denial, some use intellectualization, in which the addict stands back and treats the behavior as though it were some kind of experiment, helpful to the victim or necessary for the addict.  Intellectualization  serves to justify the actions, diminish the despair, and reduce the shame and guilt.  Whether rationalization, denial, or intellectualization is used, the faulty thinking  is a necessary part of keeping the addictive cycle going.  This was the situation for a married man who violated a younger member of his wife's family.  He was able to convince himself that his action was understandable because he had not been getting much sex from his wife and the person was asleep when he molested her.  The impaired thinking is evident.

The component of unmanageability reveals itself as major portions of the addict's life become out of control.  Life become unmanageable.  This can affect almost any area of life:  spending, sleeping, working, eating, drinking, and/or playing.  When life is experienced as out of control and unmanageable, the addictive pattern is well-established and the addictive cycle will occur repeatedly.

The information from this post is taken from COUNSELING FOR SEXUAL DISORDERS.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

In discovering the beliefs of the sexual addict, it is essential to determine his view of women and his view of himself.  The likelihood is that he believes he can only find gratification in the world through sex.  No one is ever going to love him; he can only be gratified sexually if he goes after it for himself because there is no one who could really love him.  He is such a shameful and despicable character.  These are common beliefs among sexual addicts.

The shame and despair that come from the powerlessness and unmanageability help crystallize the core beliefs about sexual unworthiness that are part of the addict's addictive system:

1.  I am basically a bad, unworthy person.
2.  No one could ever love me as I am.
3.  My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others
4.  Sex is my most important need

Although these beliefs seem to be common to all who struggle with sexual addictions -- mild or severe -- whether they be men or woman, the addict may not be aware of these core beliefs.  He may say that he comes from a very loving family, yet deeper exploration may reveal that his feeling loved is dependent on his being perfect. 

This post is intentionally short to give you time to reflect on the four core beliefs and see if they apply to you or someone you love....

Tomorrow, we will delve a bit deeper into this impaired thinking.

The information from this post is taken from COUNSELING FOR SEXUAL DISORDERS

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his sexuality.  Celibacy does not resolve the problem.   Hence, the question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive.  

The following formula is suggested as a guideline.  Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described using the SAFE acronym:

1.  It is a SECRET.  Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.

2.  It is ABUSIVE to self or others.  Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.

3.  It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS.  If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.  Also, if sexuality is used to avoid the pleasurable feelings of monogamy , there is trouble.

4.  It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship.  Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.  Marriage takes a lot of work.  There are ups and downs in marriage, that is part of what makes a long-term marriage satisfying.  There is a great shared history.  If the addict avoids the work of commitment, he runs a huge risk of being sexual outside of marriage.

If the SAFE acronym applies to you, I urge you to get help.  

This material is taken from the book Out of the Shadows (pg 189).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Impurity of the eyes and mind lives like a habit but fights like an addiction.  Many habits are addictive.  Smokers get the urge to smoke.  Drug users "get a jones."  Alcoholics get the shakes.  

For overcoming some addictions, the addictive source can be gradually reduced.  For others, the best method is cold turkey.  

What works best with sexual impurity?  Cold turkey.  You cannot just taper down.  Tapering down also brings with it the possibility of sexual binges that might go on for days.  Binges crush your spirit.

Cold turkey it must be.  

But how?

By totally starving your eyes of all things sensual except for your wife.  

For singles, this means starving your eyes of all things sensual.  This will help you overcome the desire for premarital sex with the women you date.  If you starve your eyes just like the married guys, you'll see your date as a person and not an object.

Taken from Every Man's Battle (pages 108-109).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.