The anti-social bad boy places high value on being tough, thick-skinned and powerful.  He wants people to fear him.  You may look at that statement and ask, "come on, we could spot this guy a mile away, there's no way he could be a church leader!"  

You could be surprised.  Who wouldn't admire a church leader who plunged himself into opposing anti-Christian causes that many would rather ignore? A pastor who regularly speaks against the ills of our society with a militant vigilantism?  A leader who fears nothing and no one?  He is always on the news, internet and/or local paper as the man to go to for a Christian opinion, drawing headlines and attention?  This man is attractive, manly and assertive.  He draws people thru his strength, his ability to gain followers.

What is he like behind the scenes?  Thinly veiled as Christ-like behavior, he is self-reliant, full of energy and hardheaded.  Intimidation is his first tool of choice in relationships.  The anti-social bad boy uses his  powers of debate, exclusion and inclusion,  and theological name-calling to express toughness.  He loves a good fight (in Christian circles, this is called deep theological discussions).  He is very good at thinking on his feet, flying by the seat of his pants.  

This bad boy lives by the motto, "I don't get angry, I get even."  In church settings this vindictiveness appears under a social mask.  He may appear to be very suave, sincere and adult.  However, his inner circle (the boards, committees and staff that he intimidates), his confidants, carry out his vendetta.  These people don't want to cross him.  He claims that most people are devious and punitive and this justifies his own mistrustful, hostile and vengeful attitudes by ascribing them to others.  People are not to be trusted until they have proven thru repeated testing that they are loyal.  

Manipulation and coercion become his tools of conquest.  If acting gracious, cheerful and charming will maneuver and subjugate, he will do so.  He may have the motto, "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" and just does what he wants.   If such behavior fails, frustration of his will to power easily turns into furious, vindictive attacks.  The people & institutions around him become tools of power.  Christianity and its pieties are subordinated to the iron necessities of his personal need to control.  

He will kiss those above him and kick those below him.  When he arrives at his temporary pinnacle (he always wants a more powerful pinnacle) the people beneath him are there to minister to him.  He spends his time, energy and attention in feathering his nest and maintaining his position of power.

How can the church deal with the anti-social religious bad boy?

The anti-social Bad Boy assumes he is clever and you are stupid.  A frank, direct, unequivocal "no" tells him that you will not be manipulated, maneuvered, or used.  Jesus reminded us to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves in the face of such men.  A refusal to be frightened by threats and resistance with gentleness and evenhanded good humor destabilizes him.  He needs to learn what Paul Tillich says, "faith in God's love means that we can accept being accepted though we know we are unacceptable."  He needs to learn the discipline of considerateness.  Gentleness can be learned.  Gentleness and self-control are two hallmarks of a person who has God's Holy Spirit indwelling.

He needs to learn a childhood lesson that he obviously missed.  In anger we are to be as children.  Children don't let the sun go down on their wrath.  It's only from older people that that children learn how to carry a grudge, how to plan to get even, and how to be vindictive.  In our interactions with the anti-social bad boy, gentleness is our greatest strength.  It confuses and ministers to him because it is a different pattern of living.  Living the adage, "He who is genuinely strong has no fear of being gentle" will eventually, with his willingness to let God work in him, bring about the needed change.

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The histrionic religious bad boy draws strength from superficial relationships with others.  However, the narcissistic religious bad boy is self-absorbed and wishes little to nothing from others, except that which confirms his superiority.  

This bad boy lives a self-admiring and self-sufficient way of life.  He despises weakness and dependency.  He draws his sense of security and satisfaction from being above others, disdainful of and superior to other people -- stronger, brighter, more beautiful, wealthier, less fallible, and certainly more important than others.  

The narcissistic religious bad boy is a master of exaggeration of his own accomplishments.  He arrogantly overstates his accomplishments and pretentiously shows off a blatant self-assurance.  If indeed he is a person of remarkable good looks or high intelligence or has mastered a skill, art or a profession, then he can make the case for himself stick; it seems plausible.  

However, the capacity for self-evaluation and self-criticism is absent.  If this man becomes a self-absorbed leader in the church, he is likely to project his narcissism onto a large screen of public adulation, which reinforces his feelings of superiority.

This man lives a life of entitlement.  To expect him to show genuine gratitude is like expecting a person with no arms to shake hands with you.  He has a real spiritual deficit:  a lack of the awareness of grace and an incapacity for gratitude.  This entitlement even extends to God.  St. Augustine's quote, "Good men use the world to enjoy God, whereas bad men use God to enjoy the world" describes his spiritual snobbery.  This man seeks to control God.  It doesn't occur to him to yield control of his world to God.  Religion is magic and the narcissistic is the magician.  He tells himself, "I can tell God what to do and He will bless all my ideas."  Essentially, this bad boy is above God.

In the church, this man is full of big ideas couched in glowing terms but little detail as to how to put these ideas into specific, concrete action.  When told to "put up or shut up" this bad boy will fake it, make elaborate promises, fall into misunderstandings with "inferior" people who don't understand his genius and/or make scapegoats of others.  

This man has loyalty tests for those with whom he shares his dreams.  If your loyalty does not meet his standard, then you are no longer trusted with his dreams and your relationship with Christ is questioned.  He wants people to commit to him with unwavering loyalty to him & his ideals and wild ideas.

Elaborate explanations of what God has "done for me" causes people to ask themselves, "Why is he so special to God?"  He has information that arises out of "private talks" with God and uses that information to manipulate and coerce others.  The narcissistic bad boy thanks God that bad things don't happen to perfect people like himself, because God gives him preferential treatment.

How can the church help the Narcissistic Religious Bad Boy?

These individuals only ask for help when faced with a serious loss or are in serious trouble.  Narcissists are a bundle of creativity that need the taming of God's Holy Spirit.  They are a challenge, but it takes an inner awareness that they frankly say about themselves what many others carry as their secrets.  We can thank God for a certain naiveté and guilelessness in them.  That is a rare metal in the human spirit.  But it has to be mined and refined over a period of time by gentle nudgings and confrontations.  IF we do not write them off or give up on them, they just may learn (1) that we can be counted on thru thick and thin, and (2) that if anybody is going to break the relationship between us, they will will have to do it.

Much thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This bad boy lives by the Shakespearean phrase, "all the world's a stage and we are but actors."  What makes him bad is that he seems to never be offstage.  He maneuvers, manipulates, exerts pressure and maintains many "masks" to get what he wants and needs from others.  

When encountering these men, we are left to wonder if the person is putting on an act to get approval or get something from us.  Within these men there is an emptiness, a craving for new conquests, new stimulation, additional applauding audiences.  Out of their hollowness, they deceive themselves and others, which leads to disaster in the churches where they "serve."  Boredom is their constant, sad motivator.  Superficial, broken relationships lie in their wake.

These men creep into the church because congregations want gregarious, charming, outgoing pastors, worship leaders, youth leaders, etc.  The modern church is replete with "religious shows" with seductive clothing, music, bodily movement, and overdramatized religiosity.  Religious expressions of love, intimacy, caring, fellowship and personal sharing and testimony can easily become eroticized and promiscuous in the hands of the histrionic bad boy.  This bad boy's leadership results in churches that are incestuous, abusive and enmeshed.

What can the church do to prevent these men from coming to power in the church?  

When interviewing people for leadership positions within the church, there needs to be careful expectation of a person who forms relationships responsibly, makes promises carefully based upon plenty of information, and is able to stick with people thru longer, less superficial relationships.   One needs to consider the ability to have life-long relationships.  

How can the church help these men change their bad boy image?

In dealing with the histrionic bad boy, underneath the show is an inner emptiness.  This is the end result of life without commitment.  Instead of relating to people as Christ would, he sees people as commodities to be pushed around for the purposes of getting more limelight and attention.  

The histrionic bad boy needs to be held accountable for his behavior.  He needs to deepen his commitment to God and then, using that as a guideline, decide who he really is  and what he needs to be under God's direction.  He needs to reshape his whole interpretation of life.  The objective is to challenge his spiritual emptiness and self-love.  He needs to develop fidelity to a steadfast relationship to God in Jesus Christ and fidelity to those in the church and in the marketplace.  

He needs to be challenged to open up the gates of a new life of depth rather than superficiality, durability rather than transiency.  We can represent Christ to him.  We can refuse to be seduced by his flashiness.  We can challenge and confront his restless boredom.  We can refuse to be used and make durable and steadfast relationships with him so that we don't respond to his endless drama and emergency.  We can help him develop character and maturity and help him form and maintain deep and lasting relationships.

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

There is a difference between being masculine and being macho.  Masculinity is our healthy expression of the uniqueness of being created a man in God's design.  The behaviors of a macho man are instead unhealthy expression of the stereotypes of masculinity lived out in their most extreme forms.  The macho man perverts true masculinity.  He pretends to be strong by acting aggressively and creating about himself an image of power, both of which mask the deeper reality of the insecurity within.  The truly masculine man knows who he is in God and enjoys a healthy integration of this emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual nature. This wholeness comes from knowing and responding to the truth that he is fully loved and accepted in Christ.  The masculine man in Christ is truly set free to become all that he is meant to be.

The macho man lives out an image of manhood that emphasizes only one small part of what it means to be male.  He pretends that it is possible to live life with a constant erection.  But, our physical genital reality reminds us that we are only sometimes hard.  Most of the time, we are are soft.  The majority of our lives is lived out as penis, not erected phallus, and this is normal and proper for men.  Think of what it would be like in actuality if we had to live the whole of our lives with an erection.  This is a grotesque image.  Yet it is the kind of masculine image many macho men attempt to convey thru their personalities as they relate to those around them.

It is far healthier and more productive to recognize and celebrate the broader dimensions of our masculinity modeled for us most completely by the man Jesus, our loving LORD.   As He demonstrated, a man's strength is not rooted in violent aggression or in an obsession with worldly power, but in the Godlike power of sacrificial love.

A man is not weak, but strong, when he wisely chooses to live the predominant portion of this life with his sword in his sheath.  This is not a man feminized.  This is a masculine man who has given up the false god of proud machismo and has delivered his complex and diverse masculine personality into the hands of God to be shaped by the demands of love.

This post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we discussed four things that represent a real man, a Christian man.  Today, we conclude our discussion:

5.  The Christian man is free to be tender.  He no longer has to analyze everything objectively and express himself without feeling.  He is now strong enough to be gentle.  He will touch and hold and kiss his children & grandchildren as Jesus held the children of his day and loved them.  He will affirm others with words of truth and love and be generous with hugs and other physical expressions of encouragement.  He will let others affirm and love him.  He can laugh and cry with others like Jesus did.  

6.  The Christian man is free to forgive.  He will forgive others quickly and with a generous spirit as he has been forgiven by God.  A redeemed sinner, and in process himself, he can sympathize and empathize with the struggles of others.

7.  The Christian man is free to stand for righteousness.  He will influence the world by courageous speaking  the truth and acting on the truth he knows.  Once he was too insecure to stand up for what he believed, but now he is secure in Christ's love.  He has the courage to expose the fruitless behaviors of darkness and to model the fruitful lifestyle of light, love and truth.

8.  The Christian man is free to be concerned for the world around him.  No longer driven by a need to build external evidences of his worth, he can give himself and his money away.  He can work less to build his personal empire, and more to alleviate suffering, hunger and the conditions that lead to distress, disease and death.

The Christian man is free to live in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

What are the common behaviors of a man who claims Christ as his savior?  What does the power of God's Word do to a man?  What does a man look like who has been transformed by God's Holy Spirit?

1. The Christian man is free to be a servant-leader.  He no longer depends upon his own strength, but on the guidance, wisdom and strength of the Lord.  His identity is not dependent on successful achievement, so he is set free to fail without being devastated by failure.  This freedom to fail gives the Christian man courage and faith to step out and take  measured risks in the Lord's work.  He includes others in the decision-making process because he is no longer afraid to admit that he needs the help of others and of God in order to have success.  He can affirm and build up those with whom he works because he feels affirmed and accepted in love by God in Christ.

2.  The Christian man is free to be lighthearted.  He no longer has to take himself so seriously.  God is his refuge.  He is set free from having to protect himself, to fear and shield himself from others.  He is secure in himself and his faith.  He will not list out his accomplishments like a peacock strutting around, fanning his tail.  His personality will take on a peaceful playfulness that will draw others to him.  He can laugh at himself.  He has no need to put others down.  

3.  The Christian man is free to interact with others.  He is relational.  He is a thoughtful boss and a congenial host.  He is free to share himself openly. He will talk with his wife.  He will talk with his children.  He will not talk at them but will talk with them, listening to those he loves.  He will not have to have all the right answers.  He will enjoy entering into the deeper-meaning dimensions of the lives of those around him.  He is no longer interested in telling others how important he is.  He is now more interested in hearing about their joys, their needs, their hopes, their dreams.  

4.  The Christian man is able to be open with others about his needs and to ask for help.  He knows that it is his willingness to open his life to others that creates possibilities for himself and others to grow, receive healing and move on toward maturity in Christ.  The man will give and receive friendship.

(continued tomorrow)

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The young man told me an unbelievable story.  He was telling me about an activity that was popular in his college dorm.  It was called "hogging."  

As he explained what this activity was, it became clear to me that this young man was engaging in a very sinful and demeaning sexual activity.  By many standards, his behavior was considered deviant and misogynous.

Clearly, hogging is when a man purposely seeks out an overweight or unattractive woman to satisfy his sexual appetite.  Many times, it is a game, a form of competition that men do to see who can have sex with the largest woman.  It is not unusual for a group of men at a bar decide to "spice up" the most overweight or unattractive woman or it occurs when it is close to bar closing and a man decided he will "settle" for this woman rather than go home alone.  This type of behavior is disgusting, despicable and wrong on so many levels.    

This young man was starting to feel a twinge of guilt for his behavior.  The night before he was involved in a "rodeo" where his friends hid in his bedroom and took  pictures of his sexual activity and then jumped out and surprised the woman, humiliating her and telling her it was all a competition.  This last encounter ended with the young woman breaking down in tears, angrily crying hysterically and threatening to call the police for sexual assault.  

It's disgusting the path that sin takes in men's lives.  The desire to seek sexual thrills coupled with competition makes men stupid.  This selfishness leads to treating people like objects, forgetting that other people have needs and feelings as well.  

His behavior reminded me of a section of the Bible where Paul is speaking to first generation Christians:  "Don't you know that wicked people won't inherit the kingdom of God?  Stop deceiving yourselves!  People who continue to commit sexual sins..."  Then Paul reminds them that even though they have engaged in sexual sins, that they have changed...  "That's what some of you were!  But you have been washed and made holy, and you have received God's approval..."  

This young man didn't have a Christian heritage on which to build, just like these first generation Christians.  He thought that what he was doing was "normal, what guys do."  Fortunately, the Holy Spirit was speaking to him, letting him know that abusing women and seeking sexual thrills and competition is not "normal." And he was listening...

God takes pleasure in uprightness, in those who seek to please Him before pleasing their own sensual desires and selfishness.  

This young man changed for the better.  He is now walking in righteousness, seeking God's will for his life.   He is forgiven.  He is now made holy.  He is receiving God's approval.

God changed this young man. 

Can you? 
Yes.

Will you? 
Yes.

Allow God to change you. 

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.