Now that we have discussed the warning signs that a helper (pastor/counselor) may be experiencing countertransference, the issue remains, "what do I do, when I find myself having these feelings or doing these things?"
That's where honesty comes in...however, not honesty with the counselee (client/parishoner). If you tell the helpee how you feel that only makes the situation worse. Hence, it is important to have a trusted, knowledgeable friend with whom you can share these internal reactions. If you don't share these internal feelings, they become buried, secret. When these feelings become secret, refusing to talk about them, then they take root. When they take root, they will, eventually, blossom into outward behavior. Then the helper is primed, ripe, for an affair.
I have had counselors and pastors (and other church leaders) confess to me that they are sexually mismatched with their partner and don't believe they are compatible. They speak of different sexual appetites, different personal interests, children drain the partner of energy, workaholism, addictions, etc. I've had some talk to me about their internal feelings for the people that they try to help. I'm really glad they are brave enough to share these feelings with me. Otherwise, they become buried, secret and prime the helper for an affair.
Any helper, if s/he helps people long enough, will have helpees who admire and/or fall in love with the helper. What's really happening is that the helpee admires or has fallen in love with the process of helping (this is called "transference"). The helpee has not fallen in love with the helper, even though it may feel like it (to one or both of the individuals).
Hence, you get a helper experiencing countertransference and a helpee experiencing transference and they talk about their personal feelings for each other and then the relationship is well on it's way to a budding affair (and potential malpractice lawsuits and/or divorce) and years of regret, guilt and remorse.
This has been a simple discussion over a very complex topic. Countertransference, in my clinical experience, is a major culprit in the initiation of an affair. It is not always the reason but it seems to more often than not. Every helper experiences countertransference...why? Because we give so much of ourselves during the helping process, it is emotionally taxing but also very rewarding. Hence, when we find ourselves experiencing strong emotional, internal reactions to our helpees, we need to talk about it with a trusted confident and not allow these reactions to take hold and result in behavior.
That's where honesty comes in...however, not honesty with the counselee (client/parishoner). If you tell the helpee how you feel that only makes the situation worse. Hence, it is important to have a trusted, knowledgeable friend with whom you can share these internal reactions. If you don't share these internal feelings, they become buried, secret. When these feelings become secret, refusing to talk about them, then they take root. When they take root, they will, eventually, blossom into outward behavior. Then the helper is primed, ripe, for an affair.
I have had counselors and pastors (and other church leaders) confess to me that they are sexually mismatched with their partner and don't believe they are compatible. They speak of different sexual appetites, different personal interests, children drain the partner of energy, workaholism, addictions, etc. I've had some talk to me about their internal feelings for the people that they try to help. I'm really glad they are brave enough to share these feelings with me. Otherwise, they become buried, secret and prime the helper for an affair.
Any helper, if s/he helps people long enough, will have helpees who admire and/or fall in love with the helper. What's really happening is that the helpee admires or has fallen in love with the process of helping (this is called "transference"). The helpee has not fallen in love with the helper, even though it may feel like it (to one or both of the individuals).
Hence, you get a helper experiencing countertransference and a helpee experiencing transference and they talk about their personal feelings for each other and then the relationship is well on it's way to a budding affair (and potential malpractice lawsuits and/or divorce) and years of regret, guilt and remorse.
This has been a simple discussion over a very complex topic. Countertransference, in my clinical experience, is a major culprit in the initiation of an affair. It is not always the reason but it seems to more often than not. Every helper experiences countertransference...why? Because we give so much of ourselves during the helping process, it is emotionally taxing but also very rewarding. Hence, when we find ourselves experiencing strong emotional, internal reactions to our helpees, we need to talk about it with a trusted confident and not allow these reactions to take hold and result in behavior.
RSS Feed