Blog Archives - IRONSTRIKES

Wanna have more sex?

3/31/2016

A terrific study out of Stanford University shows that this one activity a man can do will result, on average, in one more sexual encounter a month than men who have not done this simple activity.

You can find this study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, published in September 2015:

Introduction
Men who are considering vasectomy as a means of contraception may have significant anxiety about their future sexual potency. As a result, couples may choose other forms of contraception with lower efficacy.

Aim
We sought to determine the relationship between vasectomy and the frequency of sexual intercourse.

Methods
We analyzed data from the National Survey of Family Growth to compare the frequency of sexual intercourse of men who had undergone vasectomy with men who had not. Analysis was performed using data from male and female responders, and excluded men who had never had sex and those below age 25. We constructed a multivariate logistic regression model to adjust for demographic, socioeconomic, reproductive, and health factors.

Main Outcome Measure
The main outcome measure was the sexual frequency in the last 4 weeks.

Results
Among male responders, a total of 5838 men met criteria for our study; 353 had undergone vasectomy. For vasectomized men, the average frequency of sexual intercourse was 5.9 times per month compared with 4.9 times for nonvasectomized men. After adjusting for age, marital status, race, education, health, body mass index, children, and income, vasectomized men had an 81% higher odds of having intercourse at least once a week compared with nonvasectomized men. A total number of 5211 female respondents reported 670 of their partners had undergone vasectomy. For partners of vasectomized men, the average frequency of intercourse was 6.3 times per month, compared with 6.0 times for partners of nonvasectomized men. After adjustment, women with vasectomized partners had a 46% higher odds of having sexual intercourse at least once a week compared with women with nonvasectomized partners.

Conclusion
Vasectomy is not associated with decreased sexual frequency. This finding may be helpful to couples as they consider contraceptive options.

Guo, D.P., Lamberts, R.W., & Eisenberg, M.L. (2015). Relationship between vasectomy and sexual frequency. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12, 1905–1910.

The married man and masturbation

3/30/2016

Over my 35+ years of professionally counseling men, masturbation is something they tell me that they do even though they are married. Here are some of the reasons voiced to me (not a comprehensive list): 1) I thought that I would stop masturbating once I got married (evidence suggests that initially masturbation does decrease upon marriage but returns to pre-marriage rates after a few years), 2) I have a stronger sexual appetite than my wife, 3) I need to masturbate to help me sleep or handle stress, 4) I can't break my porn addiction, 5) My wife has cut me off, we don't have sex very often any more, and/or 6) I'm away on a business trip and I want to lessen temptations and loneliness.

So, these reasons certainly make sense (except #4). This post will not address all 6 of these reasons (and others) but will just focus on a few.

I have had men tell me that their pastor and other counselors tell them that it is ok to masturbate after you are married as long as you masturbate to your wife and you don't use porn. On one hand (pardon the pun) I do agree with that. The intent of that advice is helpful but it may not get at the reason why the man is masturbating.

In some instances, it would be a mistake to masturbate while married, even to images or imaginations of one's spouse. Of course this post isn't exhaustive and is speaking generally, but there are some trends that I have observed over the years in counseling men that can be destructive to a marriage and to a man and in many cases to a spouse.

One example I have seen is when the couple has trouble initiating sex. So, the husband, rather than be rejected will masturbate than approach the subject with his wife. They have have developed a pattern of approach and rejection, then anger and pouting and finally, the wife gives in or continues to say no (for various reasons). So, some men, especially those who have trouble communicating, would rather circumvent the process by masturbating. This ends up being masturbation out of anger, building a wall between the couple and resulting in neglect to the marriage.

Another example is when the husband wants sex more often than the wife. This seems to occur especially after the birth of a child. The wife sees her body differently and often has a difficult time seeing herself as a sexual person, a lover, and sees herself as more of a mother.

I've also seen disparity of sexual appetite occur when there is a temporary physical or emotional disability in the wife (permanent disability is another subject all together). A temporary physical disability is easier for a couple to understand and usually the husband can be patient while his wife heals.

The emotional disability is the one that concerns me most. Now, I'm not talking about mental illness, I'm talking about a wife who has endured judgement & selfishness in the marriage over the years and her heart has gradually closed to her husband. Typically, the wife has to do something drastic to get the husband to wake up about his behavior. One way to do so is to slow down, or stop, sexual activity. This may lead to all kinds of behavior by the husband, sometimes he has a godly response and changes, other times he continues his manipulation and the situation gets worse.

So, when the husband tells me that he is masturbating due to his wife cutting him off, then a thorough investigation needs to occur about how he has treated her over the years. Getting him to understand that his wife possibly has "emotional quadriplegia" for which he is responsible seems to help. "If she got injured in a car crash and now was totally dependent upon you, couldn't even speak to you, would you be treating her like this? If she had actual physical quadriplegia what would be your attitude, knowing that you got married for better or for worse? So, it's gonna take time for her to heal. Just like after a horrific car wreck you wouldn't expect her to be back to her former self after a week, she's not gonna all of a sudden want to have sex with you just because you have been a good boy for a month."

I've seen men in this last situation tell me, "I'll then masturbate to a mental image of my wife according to how I want her to be (or how she used to be)." You see, in that instance, he is still missing the point...he is placing judgment upon her expecting that she must be a certain way for him to be sexually satisfied.

So, if you have been following Ironstrikes this week, you can see that masturbation is a complex issue. It can involve supernatural activity, it can cause a man to condition his sexual response, it can cause a husband to be judgmental towards his wife.

There is much more that can be said about masturbation but this is just a blog. As time goes by, I may tackle other aspects of masturbation. I'm more than glad to answer questions and use them in blog posts here at Ironstrikes.

Can a single guy masturbate "safely"?

3/29/2016

I have been asked many questions about sexuality from men. One thing that men are very curious about is the expression of their sexuality in a manner that is pleasing to God, without pornography.

Masturbation is one method that some unmarried men have chosen rather than participate in sex outside of marriage. Jesus spoke to this issue directly, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Mt 5:28 Christian men knowing that Jesus said this want to be able to masturbate while not committing lust.

I have men tell me that they just imagine female body parts or women that they make up in their own minds cause sexual arousal.

Is imagining female body parts or women you make up acceptable?

Maybe. The intent of the young man is trying to please God with his expression of his sexuality in a "safe" way, honoring what Jesus said. His heart is seemingly in the right place.

Is imagining female body parts or women you make up acceptable?

No. What is something that may make it unacceptable? The sexual response, even the human sexual response is subject to behavioral conditioning. The Encyclopaedia of Sexual Behavior, by Albert Ellis lists sexual stimulation in over 70 different ways. It seems that many of them (i.e. arousal by touching feet) have come about from a learned response, pairing a stimulus with a reward. For example, go to this blog post about a young man who inadvertently trained his sexual response (http://www.ironstrikes.com/blog/training-your-sexual-response1).

So, if the human sexual response can become conditioned, then conditioning one's response to imagined female body parts, could result in a fetish. Conditioning one's response to a make believe woman can result in comparing one's future wife to this made up person. This could make it difficult to find a spouse that could live up to these conditioned expectations. Also, as we discussed yesterday, imagining such could also be an entry into the world of the supernatural (http://www.ironstrikes.com/blog/demonic-masturbation)

What we do know is that God has designed the male body for expression of sexuality in a safe manner for an unmarried guy. God has built in a way "to pop the cork" when hormones become strong. He has built in wet dreams. The male body takes care of itself. To purposely dream (lucid dreaming) of a sexual encounter reaches into the realm of the unacceptable (http://www.ironstrikes.com/blog/sexual-dreaming) but many of our dreams are not under our conscious control.

So, now you have a clear answer: maybe, no, God's way.

Demonic masturbation?

3/28/2016

What I am about to discuss with you is quite unusual, or so I have thought until I have counseled other men who have had similar experiences. Now, I’m not saying that all forms of masturbation have a demonic element but I do think that it is a possibility sometimes.

Before I tell you my story, note that Hollywood has kinda picked up on this concept. In the original Ghostbusters Movie (a "family" movie), there is a scene towards the end where Dan Aykroyd has a succubus relationship. If that’s a new concept for you, a succubus is a demon in female form that appears in dreams (and imagination) and takes the form of a woman in order to seduce men, usually through sexual activity. In the “bedroom scene” of that movie, a ghost (demon) has sexual activity with Dan Aykroyd. It is unclear what activity it is, it appears to be fellatio but it could be other activity as well. (For the less than 30 second “bedroom scene” click on the picture in the upper part of this present post.)

Now, you may say, that is just Hollywood, those kinds of things don’t really happen, that’s sensationalism. Let me share an experience with you.

As a young man after I was married and a father, I would masturbate when I didn’t feel I got enough sex (remember as a young man, I still had to learn how to communicate better over this issue and also realize that sex wasn’t all about me). I told myself that it was ok if I masturbated to a faceless, nameless, woman in my mind. My images were not tied to pornography as I have never been a viewer of pornography and this was in the era before Al Gore invented the Internet (click here to read about my first experience with porn).

One time, during a shower, I was masturbating to this “woman” and as I completed, I heard very clear, in my mind, a female voice that said, “I’ll be back!” It freaked me out. Was that an overactive imagination or was that an attempt to seduce me into a succubus relationship, away from my spouse and a fulfilling Christian walk? I have thought about that experience a lot since then.

I have been counseling men professionally for 35+ years, and when I talk to men about their masturbation life, I have had some tell me of a similar experience. So, it makes me wonder if there is possibly a demonic experience to some masturbatory experiences. I’m not claiming that this was a succubus action but I have had men tell me of succubus experiences. Very clearly, in some instances of men I have counseled, succubus activity was apparent. We needed to pray and ask God for deliverance of such activity to break different sexual addictions.

I ask you, when you have masturbated did you hear a female voice telling you she wanted more or saying she wanted to come back? If so, is it possible that you were starting the journey toward a succubus relationship?

Tomorrow, we will be discussing whether an unmarried man can masturbate “safely”. Then, Wednesday, we will be discussing whether a married man can masturbate “safely” even if the image in his mind is his wife.

Easter Meditation

3/27/2016

Dear Lord, risen Lord, light of the world, to you be all praise and glory! This day, so full of your presence, your joy, your peace, is indeed your day.

I just returned from a walk through the dark woods. It was cool and windy, but everything spoke of you. Everything: the clouds, the trees, the wet grass, the valley with its distant lights, the sound of the wind. They all spoke of your resurrection; they all made me aware that everything is indeed good. In you all is created good, and by you all creation is renewed and brought to an even greater glory than it possessed at its beginning.

As I walked through the dark woods at the end of this day, full of intimate joy, I heard you call Mary Magdalene by her name and heard how you called from the shore of the lake to your friends to throw out their nets. I also saw you entering the closed room where your disciples were gathered in fear. I saw you appearing on the mountain and at the outskirts of the village. How intimate these events really are. They are like special favors to dear friends. They were not done to impress or overwhelm anyone, but simply to show that your love is stronger than death.

O Lord, I know now that it is in silence, in a quiet moment, in a forgotten corner that you will meet me, call me by name and speak to me a word of peace. It is in my stillest hour that you become the risen Lord to me.

Dear Lord, I am so grateful for all you have given me this past week. Stay with me in the days to come. Bless all who suffer in this world and bring peace to your people, whom you loved so much that you gave your life for them.

Amen.

This post was written by Henri Nouwen. You can find his website here: henrinouwen.org

Our unique call

3/26/2016

So many terrible things happen every day that we start wondering whether the few things we do ourselves make any sense. When people are starving only a few thousand miles away, when wars are raging close to our borders, when countless people in our own cities have no homes to live in, our own activities look futile. Such considerations, however, can paralyse us and depress us.

Here the word call becomes important. We are not called to save the world, solve all problems, and help all people. But we each have our own unique call, in our families, in our work, in our world. We have to keep asking God to help us see clearly what our call is and to give us the strength to live out that call with trust. Then we will discover that our faithfulness to a small task is the most healing response to the illnesses of our time.

For further reflection...

"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God." - Hebrews 6: 7 (NIV)

This post was written by Henri Nouwen. You can find his website here: henrinouwen.org

Keeping fueled and aflame

3/25/2016

Take your everyday, ordinary life . . .and place it before God as an offering—Romans 12:1
The author of Hebrews laid down a challenge: “. . . let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24).

Eugene Peterson translated it as, “Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out” (Hebrews 10:24 MSG). What a great challenge for us men, today. It dares us to engage our God-given capacities for imagining and inventing. But, it also dares to direct these capacities toward good purposes, toward God’s purposes.

Too often we use our imaginations to envision prosperous futures for ourselves, futures of comfort and materialism and separation . . . or . . . we use them to envision worrisome futures, futures where our worst fears come to pass. And too often, we use our inventiveness to build our own prosperity . . . or . . . to build barricades around our lives to protect ourselves from our fears.

What if we stopped doing that so much? What if, in faith, we were to refocus these imaginative and inventive capacities? What if we put them toward the task of keeping ourselves, and keeping those around us “fueled and aflame” (Romans 12:11-13 MSG)? What if we dedicated a few moments―every week, every month―to look at ourselves, our families, our friends, our communities, and allowed ourselves to dream and create? We wouldn’t be alone. God the Holy Spirit would be right there, in those moments, guiding us, inspiring us.

Okay, so what do we do?

It’s not easy to change how we think and how we act. We need help. Take a few minutes to pray and listen for the Holy Spirit. Be still. Consider the question of how you might encourage “love and good deeds” in your family, among your friends, in your community. Whatever comes―if it fits within the principles of Scripture―trust it and make it happen.

Copyright © 2016 Gather Ministries, All rights reserved.
This post was written by Justin Camp of Gather Ministries. You can find them here: www.GatherMinistries.com.

No Lone Rangers

3/24/2016

All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it (I Cor 12:27).

My country esteems “rugged individualism”—the idea that truly strong people do things on their own. The icon of this peculiar value was the Lone Ranger, a famous fictional cowboy of radio and the silver screen, and a solitary masked hero that protected others from harm. But it’s interesting to note that the Lone Ranger was hardly alone. He had a trusty horse named Silver and a constant companion named Tonto. Because of this, the supposedly “Lone” Ranger had more friends than many people do!

As poor as this title was for the Lone Ranger, it’s even more so for believers in Jesus. We’re to be anything but alone! The apostle Paul compared the church to the human body made up of many parts, declaring, “each of you is a part of it”(1 Corinthians 12:27). And yet, time and time again, we try to live our Christian lives on our own, playing the role of a body part that simply doesn’t need the rest of the body (1 Corinthians 12:19-21).

At the end of 1 Corinthians 12, Paul provides a clue about how we can resist the tendency to go it alone: by remaining on mission. Individualism is an illusion made possible only by inactivity. But when we’re living out God’s mission, it becomes abundantly clear that no one person can do the entire work of the church. Instead, we need all the gifts of the entire body to carry out God’s call to make disciples and preach the gospel (1 Corinthians 12:28-29).

So long as we remain committed to living out the Great Commission given to us in Matthew 28:18-20, it becomes clear that there’s no such thing as a “lone” believer in Jesus. We love and worship a God of relationship. And He’s designed us to interact and experience fellowship with Him and other believers.

This post was written by Peter Chin of Our Daily Bread. You can find the website here: www.odb.org

More light and less noise

3/23/2016

From Lincoln’s Yarns and Stories, 1900

The President was bothered to death by those persons who boisterously demanded that the War be pushed vigorously; also, those who shouted their advice and opinions into his weary ears, but who never suggested anything practical. These fellows were not in the army, nor did they ever take any interest, in a personal way, in military matters, except when engaged in dodging drafts.

“That reminds me,” remarked Mr. Lincoln one day, “of a farmer who lost his way on the Western frontier. Night came on, and the embarrassments of his position were increased by a furious tempest which suddenly burst upon him. To add to his discomfort, his horse had given out, leaving him exposed to all the dangers of the pitiless storm.

“The peals of thunder were terrific, the frequent flashes of lightning affording the only guide on the road as he resolutely trudged onward, leading his jaded steed. The earth seemed fairly to tremble beneath him in the war of elements. One bolt threw him suddenly upon his knees.

“Our traveler was not a prayerful man, but finding himself involuntarily brought to an attitude of devotion, he addressed himself to the Throne of Grace in the following prayer for his deliverance:

“‘O God! hear my prayer this time, for Thou knowest it is not often that I call upon Thee. And, O Lord! if it is all the same to Thee, give us a little more light and a little less noise.’"

“I wish,” the President said, sadly, “there was a stronger disposition manifested on the part of our civilian warriors to unite in suppressing the rebellion, and a little less noise as to how and by whom the chief executive office shall be administered.'”

A maxim that applies far beyond politics…

Taken from: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2011/04/09/manvotional-more-light-and-less-noise/

A manly boy

3/22/2016

Learning to be a man begins at an early age. Boys try to mimic the manly things they see their fathers and other men do. When they get older, they seek the advice of older men on what it takes to be a man. This short essay from Draper’s Self Culture was published in 1907 and gives advice to boys on how to be manly boys. Print it off and share it with a boy you know.

A Manly Boy

For a boy to be manly, he must act like a man. By this I do not mean that he must no longer be a boy. He must be willing, as far as he is able, to help his parents, and try to assist his brothers and sisters in every way that he can.

There are many things which men do that it would not be right for boys to attempt. But there are also many other things which wise and thoughtful boys will try to do as well as they can, and yet be true boys.

There is an old saying that “you cannot put old heads on young shoulders.” This is true to some extent; but when it is given as an excuse for being thoughtless and careless and rude, it is misleading.

We do not want to see our boys going about like little old men, and bearing burdens which their shoulders were never meant to carry. We do not want them to be robbed of the freshness and lightness of youth, while they are yet children but in years.

We believe that “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” But it is also true that “all play and no work will give Joe a ragged shirt.”

Now a manly boy is as often as fond, if not fonder, of play than a boy who has nothing of a man about him. This is because the work he does gives him a change of employment, which makes play all the pleasenter when he takes part in a game.

In every home there are many things to be done which a boy can do just as well as an older person. He can black boots, mend broken things, run errands, work in the garden, and help his younger brothers and sisters with their lessons.

He can treat his parents with repect, follow their advice, and act in such a manner that they feel they can trust him to do right when he is out of their sight. They know that he is anxious to win their praise, and that he values their esteem.

I remember asking a father if he was not afraid to send a boy of thirteen to pay a large sum of money.

“Oh no,” he replied, smiling, “I know it is quite safe with him. You see, he is such a manly boy.”

When you are older and read the lives of some men who have risen to high places in the world, you will find that when they were boys they began to act like men. Yet they were just as fond of fun and play as other boys who never tried to give their parents a helping hand.

How often we hear a boy say, “I wish I was a man!” And if we ask why, we often learn that it is because he wants to be able to do as he likes. He is tired of having to obey his parents, and be guided by them. He thinks he knows better than they do what is best for him.

Such a boy is already going wrong, and only wants the chance to break away from the restraints of home. He is not a manly boy. He is often a forward, foolish boy, who can be easily led astray, and who will sooner or later come to grief.

When a manly boy wishes to be a man, it is not that he may have his own way, but that he may be better able to help his parents and be more useful in the world. It is not that he is tired of being a boy, but he is willing to give up youthful pleasures for the sake of those who have done so much for him.

For the original post written by Brett & Kate McKay go to: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2009/09/26/manvotional-a-manly-boy/