Blog Archives - IRONSTRIKES

What? Another affair? (part two)

6/30/2016

So, what is it that causes affairs? Especially, what is it that causes affairs for counselors and pastors? Though not universally true, my experience has shown me that these individuals, in their help of others, experience countertransference.

You ask, “what is countertransference?” Countertransference simply defined is an internal reaction from the helper (counselor/pastor) to the helpee (client/parishioner). Adlerian counselors Pagani & Ferrigno (1999) note countertransference is “a clash of lifestyles (p.27).” I believe that countertransference can also be an intense similarity of lifestyles.

It’s this countertransference, when acted upon that causes trouble for the helper (and ultimately the helpee). This acting upon is an attempt to have the helpee fill in what is missing from the helper's personal life. The helper may experience a range of internal reactions to a helpee, ranging from disgust to intense attraction.

Here are some danger signs (not an exhaustive list by any means) that would tell you are experiencing countertransference:

- extreme hate and/or disgust at the way a helpee is living
- dreaming/fantasizing about a helpee
- changing the way one dresses when meeting a helpee
- placing the helpee at the end of your schedule in case you need extra time
- saying, “I don’t usually do this…” to a helpee
- meeting with the helpee outside of your role
- pretending to be in the role when you meet the helpee outside of normal hours
- receiving/sending an inordinate amount of text messages with the helpee
- receiving/sending an inordinate amount of phone calls with the helpee
- entering into a business relationship with the helpee
- stalking the helpee’s social media
- creating a ficticious social media presence to communicate with the helpee

Tomorrow, we will discuss what do when experiencing countertransference…

Pagani, P.L. & Ferrigno, G. (1999). Transfert e controtransfert nel “setting” adlerino. Revista di Psicologia Individuale, 46, 27-4

What? Another affair? (part one)

6/29/2016

In my 35+ years of being professionally involved in the field of mental health counseling, I still get disturbed when I hear of a professional counseling colleague having an affair with a client. I get equally disturbed when I hear of someone in the church having an affair. I know…we counselors aren’t supposed to get upset when a client confesses to being unfaithful. And I don’t. I don’t want to have my external reaction shut down the person’s ability to be honest and forthright about what they have been experiencing. However, I have seen so much of this in my counseling practice that I am rarely surprised anymore. But, I still tell myself, “What? Another affair?”

I have those whom I have counseled who are in different stages of an affair. I have counseled some who are contemplating an affair and trying to figure out what the fallout would be. I have counseled some who are in the throes of an affair and are trying to figure out how to end it. I have counseled some who are leading a duplicitous life, trying to manage a long-term relationship and an affair at the same time, counseling those who want marriage counseling because of the damage to the marriage after an affair, those who have gotten into trouble with their employer, state licensing board, their church’s denominational leadership and need to learn how to prevent another affair from happening and how to restore their professional trust, etc.

I have also counseled people with sexual addictions/fetishes, pornography addictions, process addictions, and chemical addictions. As a counselor who integrates Biblical principles with Adlerian theory, I have learned that there is never just one reason a person has an affair. A person doesn’t just wake up in the morning and say, “You know, I feel like having an affair today!” No, my experience has told me that affair behavior occurs over time.

So, I am addressing this blog post to two (ok, 3) people: those who are professionals in the field of counseling, pastors, and those who care about leaders in our churches. I have noticed that there are common factors between pastors and professional counselors that can lead to affairs, and a blurring of professional boundaries. There are areas that need to be firmed up to prevent a loss of integrity, fidelity and professionalism.

Tomorrow, I will share with you what I have observed over my experience…

A real man (part two)

6/28/2016

Yesterday, we discussed four things that represent a real man, a Christian man. Today, we conclude our discussion:

5. The Christian man is free to be tender. He no longer has to analyze everything objectively and express himself without feeling. He is now strong enough to be gentle. He will touch and hold and kiss his children & grandchildren as Jesus held the children of his day and loved them. He will affirm others with words of truth and love and be generous with hugs and other physical expressions of encouragement. He will let others affirm and love him. He can laugh and cry with others like Jesus did.

6. The Christian man is free to forgive. He will forgive others quickly and with a generous spirit as he has been forgiven by God. A redeemed sinner, and in process himself, he can sympathize and empathize with the struggles of others.

7. The Christian man is free to stand for righteousness. He will influence the world by courageous speaking the truth and acting on the truth he knows. Once he was too insecure to stand up for what he believed, but now he is secure in Christ's love. He has the courage to expose the fruitless behaviors of darkness and to model the fruitful lifestyle of light, love and truth.

8. The Christian man is free to be concerned for the world around him. No longer driven by a need to build external evidences of his worth, he can give himself and his money away. He can work less to build his personal empire, and more to alleviate suffering, hunger and the conditions that lead to distress, disease and death.

The Christian man is free to live in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

A real man (part one)

6/27/2016

What are the common behaviors of a man who claims Christ as his savior? What does the power of God's Word do to a man? What does a man look like who has been transformed by God's Holy Spirit?

1. The Christian man is free to be a servant-leader. He no longer depends upon his own strength, but on the guidance, wisdom and strength of the Lord. His identity is not dependent on successful achievement, so he is set free to fail without being devastated by failure. This freedom to fail gives the Christian man courage and faith to step out and take measured risks in the Lord's work. He includes others in the decision-making process because he is no longer afraid to admit that he needs the help of others and of God in order to have success. He can affirm and build up those with whom he works because he feels affirmed and accepted in love by God in Christ.

2. The Christian man is free to be lighthearted. He no longer has to take himself so seriously. God is his refuge. He is set free from having to protect himself, to fear and shield himself from others. He is secure in himself and his faith. He will not list out his accomplishments like a peacock strutting around, fanning his tail. His personality will take on a peaceful playfulness that will draw others to him. He can laugh at himself. He has no need to put others down.

3. The Christian man is free to interact with others. He is relational. He is a thoughtful boss and a congenial host. He is free to share himself openly. He will talk with his wife. He will talk with his children. He will not talk at them but will talk with them, listening to those he loves. He will not have to have all the right answers. He will enjoy entering into the deeper-meaning dimensions of the lives of those around him. He is no longer interested in telling others how important he is. He is now more interested in hearing about their joys, their needs, their hopes, their dreams.

4. The Christian man is able to be open with others about his needs and to ask for help. He knows that it is his willingness to open his life to others that creates possibilities for himself and others to grow, receive healing and move on toward maturity in Christ. The man will give and receive friendship.

(continued tomorrow)

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

Sunday Meditation

6/26/2016

The soul which is fully the Lord's may be said to rest from labor.

This depends in part, however, upon the meaning which we attach to the term labor. As the term is commonly understood, it implies some degree, more or less according to the circumstances, of forethought and calculation, strivings of the will, and physical effort. But this is not all. It implies, also, not only effort, but pain. There is something unpleasant in it. In this view of the import of the term, God does not labor; angels do not labor; nor do glorified saints. There is obviously no such thing as labor of this sort in heaven. There is life; there is activity; everything is done which ought to be done; but all labor which involves pain ceases.

And, to a considerable extent, these views are true of the holy man in the present life. He does not cease to be active, and to do what the providence of God calls him to do; on the contrary, cooperating with God in the great work of redemption, he finds and knows no idle moments; but still, the work which he does, ceases so far to possess the ordinary attributes of labor, that he may be said, in a certain sense, to cease from labor.

It will be kept in mind by the reader, that this is not said of the sinful man, nor of the partially sanctified man, but of the man whose soul, freed from the separations of self, has passed into a state of entire union with God. Undoubtedly the rest, which is experienced even by such an one, is not so perfect, in consequence of the imperfections and hindrances of the body, as it will be hereafter; but still, it is so real and great, and besides, so naturally results from the principles involved in holy living, that it deserves to be noticed.

— edited from A Treatise on Divine Union (1851) Part 8, Chapter 7 by Thomas Cogswell Upham. His blog is managed by Craig L Adams and can be found here: http://thomascupham.blogspot.com

The source of all love

6/25/2016

Without the love of our parents, sisters, brothers, spouses, lovers, and friends, we cannot live. Without love we die. Still, for many people this love comes in a very broken and limited way. It can be tainted by power plays, jealousy, resentment, vindictiveness, and even abuse. No human love is the perfect love our hearts desire, and sometimes human love is so imperfect that we can hardly recognise it as love.

In order not to be destroyed by the wounds inflicted by that imperfect human love, we must trust that the source of all love is God's unlimited, unconditional, perfect love, and that this love is not far away from us but is the gift of God's Spirit dwelling within us.

For further reflection...

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5: 3-5 (NIV)

This post was written by Henri Nouwen. You can find his website here: henrinouwen.org

Careful unreasonableness

6/24/2016

Behold the fowls of the air.…Consider the lilies of the field. -- Matthew 6:26, 28

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they simply are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars and the moon — all these are, and what a ministration they exert. So often we mar God’s designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful. Jesus says that there is only one way to develop spiritually, and that is by concentration on God. “Do not bother about being of use to others; believe on Me” — pay attention to the Source, “and out of you will flow rivers of living water.” We cannot get at the springs of our natural life by common sense, and Jesus is teaching that growth in spiritual life does not depend on our watching it, but on concentration on our Father in heaven. Our heavenly Father knows the circumstances we are in, and if we keep concentrated on Him we will grow spiritually as the lilies.

The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mould us.

If you want to be of use to God, get rightly related to Jesus Christ and He will make you of use unconsciously every minute you live.

This devotional was written by Oswald Chambers

Start respecting your wife

6/23/2016

This diagram is taken from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. It is often called The Duluth Model. Even though it is not blatantly from a Christian or other faith tradition, it offers much for how men, in particular Christian men, should view marriage. I encourage you to download the pdf for this diagram. Just click on the wheel and you will receive that file.

A messed up marriage is based on power and control. However, if you notice, a marvelous marriage is one of equality and respect. A Christian man will have a marriage that involves these eight factors:

1. Non-threatening behavior - your wife is comfortable in expressing herself
2. Respect - valuing your wife's opinion and being emotionally affirming
3. Trust & support - supporting your wife's goals
4. Honesty & accountability - communicating openly and truthfully to your wife
5. Responsible parenting - sharing parental responsibility
6. Shared responsibility - making family decisions together
7. Economic partnership - making financial decisions together
8. Negotiation & fairness - seeking mutually satisfactory compromises

What does the Bible say about marriage?
- Marriage should be honored
- God instituted and blessed marriage
- A man who loves his wife loves himself
- There is no fear in love
- If we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us
- Love is patient and kind

So, how does your marriage stack up to what the Bible says?
Do you honor your marriage?
Do you present a marital atmosphere of love and respect?
Are you patient and kind?

Stop controlling your wife

6/22/2016

This diagram is taken from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. It is often called The Duluth Model. Even though it is not blatantly from a Christian or other faith tradition, it offers much for how men, in particular Christian men, should not view marriage. I encourage you to download the pdf for this diagram. Just click on the wheel and you will receive that file.

At the center of abusive relationships are POWER and CONTROL. Abusive people, especially abusive men, have a need, often without their conscious awareness, to be in control. When men try to control women, they resort to using power. They use power in these eight categories:

1. Intimidation - making your wife afraid of you
2. Emotional abuse - making your wife feel bad about herself
3. Isolation - limiting your wife's involvement with others
4. Minimizing, denying, blaming - not taking your wife's concerns seriously
5. Children - using your children to relay messages
6. Male privilege - acting like "master of the castle"
7. Economic abuse - making all the financial decisions
8. Coercion and threats - making threats

You may not be physically violent to your wife, but I invite you to consider the subtle ways in which you use power to control her. If you ask, God's Holy Spirit will reveal to you where your are doing so. Remember God doesn't use force.

What does the Bible say about power and control?
- God has always had power & authority
- All power and authority is given to Jesus
- God's power is best displayed when we are weak
- As Christians, we have authority to overcome all the power of the enemy
- God's divine power has given us everything we need for holiness
- Salvation, glory and power belong to God
- Self-control, not the control of others, is a sign of a fruitful Christian

How do you compare to what the Bible says about power and control?
Do you have a marriage that displays God's power or your own power?
Do you try to control others or do you exhibit self-control?

Stop treating your wife like one of the guys

6/21/2016

Can you imagine a husband making a funny joke and then, at the punchline landing a solid jab to his wife’s shoulder? Of course not. It’s out of place (and perhaps domestic abuse). However, in the context of a male friendship such behavior is widely practiced and acceptable. What’s the difference? (I’m about to get profound here…) Simply, women are different then men. Husbands and wives are different. And this is a good thing, something to be celebrated.

However, it is also apparently an evasive truth. One of the most common non-spiritual, basic, counseling I give to a husband is: don’t treat your wife like a guy. Believe it or not, men seem to forget this fact about as often as we leave our dirty socks on the floor. One of the chief areas this is seen is the area of romance. Many men think that they can woo their wives by treating them like men. We think that we can just snap our fingers or just jump right to physical intimacy without any regard for emotions.

Guys, this doesn’t work.

WE NEED TO KNOW THEM

Instead, what is right and what does work is understanding. Peter reminds husbands to live with their wives in an understanding (or knowledgeable) way (1 Pet. 3.7). Therefore, it is helpful to know what makes them tick. While I realize this task is virtually impossible to master it is possible to improve upon.

C.J. Mahaney once said something that really stuck with me, in reference to marital romance, “Before you touch her body, touch her heart and mind.” What is he saying? He is saying, you better not treat her like a guy! She is different. Therefore, if you know your wife, if you understand your wife, then you have got to do and say things that truly reach her heart.

Here are some suggestions.

THE KITCHEN SINK IS A PRETTY ROMANTIC PLACE

One of the ways husbands can do this is through service. I truly believe that some of the best romance in a marriage can happen at the kitchen sink. Instead of sitting around like a piece of furniture when you get home from work, husbands can go to the sink and help with the dishes or cleaning in the kitchen. As you are doing this you can talk about the day and serve by cleaning. Here you are entering into your wife’s world, listening, learning, and helping.

FACE TO FACE TIME IS INVALUABLE

Another way to learn your wife is to actually sit down and talk to her. And, talking while walking with your back turned or while checking the football score doesn’t count. I’m talking about eye to eye talking.

I should also stipulate that it is not always a good idea to talk all about yourself here. Remember you are trying to serve and learn your wife, therefore, listening and learning are good things to do. (Also be sensitive to your wife who loves you and wants to hear about you. Don’t be cryptic, nondescript, overly negative or prideful. Serve her by talking thoughtfully.)

One of the most treasured times in our evenings are when I get to sit and talk with Christie. When I get to hear her talk about her day and the various things the kids did. I am reminded of her love and sacrifice for them and she is reminded of my love for her and the children. This is a good and valuable time.

DATING THAT ENCOURAGES COMMUNICATION

Another way to learn is to go on dates with your wife. This is pretty obvious. However, a lot of guys take short cuts here. Too many guys are not thoughtful enough here. Going to movies, games, or double dates are fun but they don’t always deliver the level of communication and emotional intimacy that you may be after. If this is the extant of the dating, over the long haul, I don’t think it is going to really help the bottom line. Again, it works great for guys to hang out with one another but marriage requires a bit more thoughtful and intentional work.

BOTTOM LINE IS BEING THOUGHTFULLY INTENTIONAL

The bottom-line for guys is that we have got to be intentional in the romancing of our wives. We cannot become complacent or lazy. We cannot plateau or go backwards. It’s not an option.

One suggestion I have in addition to the above is to ask your wife how you are doing. Does she think you treat her like a guy? Does she think she is the most important person in the world to you? Does she feel like you know her? How does she rate your ability to romance her?

Listen, I don’t have this stuff all figured out. Trust me, these questions convict me too. But I know that my wife is worth it and I want her to feel and know she is loved. I trust many of you husbands can relate. Therefore, takes some time to think, chew on it, and then get to work. And if it’s helpful maybe you can punch me in the shoulder next time we bump into each other.

This post was written by Erik Raymond. You can find the original post with comments here: http://www.ordinarypastor.com/?p=10596