Blog Archives - IRONSTRIKES

Through the fire

8/31/2017

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.- Isaiah 43:2 NIV

The book of Isaiah is filled with beautiful and vivid imagery that helps the reader understand God's love for humanity. This love is the kind of love that surpasses our mistakes, thought patterns, and sinful tendencies.

Over and over again in the record of history, God finds ways to show His love. If you remember, we talked about this last week when it was established that God has made so many excuses to convey that steadfast love with us. This passage emphasizes that same characteristic but in a slightly different way. Isaiah confirms God's promise to be the protector of His people no matter the circumstance.

This week, I preached about the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. To quickly review, these 3 men refused to bow down to the king's golden statue, they got caught, thus thrown into a fiery furnace. An angel of the Lord came and saved them and they emerged unscathed. The lesson from this was not one that was supposed to teach "God-haters" a lesson but to show all people that our gracious Creator, who we follow, will be with us in the fire.

In the story in Daniel, the king was changed by the fact that these men came out alive and we realize, in the same way, that people are changed by our testimony of God's miracles in our lives.

This passage in Isaiah is the same concept as we see in the book of Daniel, only from God's perspective. God wanted His people to remember all the times He came through for them. All of the times they came out unburned, victorious, and walked on dry ground in the middle of a river or sea. He wanted them to know that He is still with them and will not leave.

Today, I encourage you to take some time and think about the last trial that God brought you through. After locating that event in your memory, praise Him for the result. You will grow because of it.

Prayer for today: God, I thank you for your protection and being with me even when I feel burdened. Help me to more easily see your faithfulness. Amen.

This post was written by Rev DeCrastos. You can find his blog here: ministrysauce.com

Suddenly, there was a storm

8/30/2017

Suddenly a violent storm came up on the sea so that the waves engulfed the boat, but Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke Him, saying, “Lord save us! We are perishing!” “You of little faith,” Jesus replied, “Why are you so afraid?” Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it was hushed. Matthew 8:24-26

I was struck the other day by a simple word: suddenly! The word is a perfect summation of so much that happens in our lives. No matter how hard we try to plan, organize and be prepared, suddenly things happen. In the past few weeks, there have been a lot of sudden events. Two weeks ago driving down the highway when the semi-truck in front of me lost part of its tire, and it impacted my car causing a few thousand dollars’ worth of damage. One day later suddenly a parsonage catches on fire. One week later a pastor’s son’s life was tragically taken. Sprinkled in all of these events were other things that a month ago I had no idea would transpire. So today I am taking courage from a familiar passage of Scripture. Matthew records Jesus getting in the boat and the disciples getting on board with Him, and off they go on their journey of following Jesus. What could be a more safe place to live than following Jesus and staying close to him? We think of sudden trials coming when we have slightly strayed from His path, yet here they are in the same boat with Jesus. I looked the word up in the concordance and found that suddenly appears in the Bible many times. The use of the word suddenly in Matthew 8:24 reminds us no one saw the storm coming! It developed and happened so quickly it caught them off guard. This event wasn’t a spring shower this was a violent storm. It arrived swiftly and violently, and they were in the storm. Now if the first disciples of Jesus for no other apparent reason get caught up in sudden storms, count on it, you and I will experience storms as well.

What do you do when the storms of life are raging all around you? Follow the disciple’s example: they went to Jesus immediately. Their cry was the cry of Christ followers down through the ages; Lord save us! Being a Christian does not exempt one from storms. Instead, we have a Savior who is Lord even of the storm! The disciples told Jesus we are perishing as if to say don’t you care about us, don’t you care what happens to us? Before Jesus rebukes the storm he has a word for His disciples: you folks of little faith why are you afraid? That is the question He is asking me today as I have faced the sudden storms of the past few weeks, why are you scared, Ron?

Jesus then turns to the storm, rebukes the storm and says peace be still! I am thankful that over the last 2 to 3 weeks on numerous occasions the master of the storms has said peace be still!

I am praying for His peace over all of my friends who are suffering today. Once more may Jesus come to where you are and give you peace that is bigger and greater than your storm!
None of us are exempt of sudden storms. We don’t get prepared for the storm in the storm; today is the day to get ready, to fill our minds with His word and to trust Him and walk with Him. So today my friend wherever you may be, Jesus can calm your storm!

This post was written by Dr Ron Blake. You can find his original post here: wesleyshorse.com/suddenly-there-was-a-storm/

Will robots replace prostitutes?

8/29/2017

What if you have sex with an inanimate object, like a robot? A robot that's programmed to respond to your touch, talk to you and to appear to be human? Would that be acceptable behavior to a loving, holy, just God?

Research states that the technology is almost there. Two researchers from New Zealand claim that they will be revolutionizing the sex industry. The article reports that "Part of their research involved the hypothetical creation of an Amsterdam sex club called “Yub-Yum,” where robot women create a land rife with “sexual gods and goddesses of different ethnicities, body shapes, ages, languages and sexual features.” Douglas Hines, the founder of the world's first sex robot company states, "One of the benefits of sex robots is that they remove exploitation of women from the equation, and the sex trade of underage [partners],” Hines added. “Underage women are exploited to meet the desires of others, whereas with the robots, there is no exploitation of anyone.”

What are the implications of such an invention? Is this the "safe" alternative for men? Since this is not "real" sex, would God approve of such? Let's think about this a bit...

1. Sex with a robot will train the sexual response to someone other than one's spouse.

2. This product will not remove exploitation of women. Sex for hire is hollow. However, it is not as hollow as having sex with a soulless object. One will eventually tire of robotic sex in favor of human sex.

3. To have sex with a robot fashioned after one's desires will reinforce some perversions. For example, if a man is attracted to children, he can have children robots. Eventually, this will become unsatisfactory and the man will want to have sex with an actual child.

4. Jesus, the revolutionary, taught a principle over 2000 years ago that speaks to this. Jesus said that if you lust, you have committed adultery. Jesus made it clear that sin, especially sexual sin, needs to be taken care of at the heart level not the behavior level. Sexual sin starts in the heart.

5. Paul, the author of a good deal of the New Testament, states that joining yourself with a prostitute is the same as uniting Christ with a prostitute. The same principle applies for having sex with a robot. You would be uniting Christ with a robot.

5. Sexual behavior with inanimate objects is not sex. Sex is a loving, passionate, committed physical, emotional and spiritual connection between a man and woman who are married to each other.

Whaddyathink? Sex with a robot? Not me. It's too robotic. I want the real thing. A loving, committed marriage fashioned according to God's design is much more pleasurable. And it's good for you. Research shows that's the best sex.

Will robots replace counselors?

8/28/2017

Using social media can be a little like a free—albeit not very effective—therapy session. People share life events, complain about their problems and offer each another advice, along with lots of FOMO, rants, and vaguebooking.

So Woebot—a chatbot engaging in therapy-like services via Facebook Messenger—seems intriguing. The idea is to help you understand and monitor your moods using a combination of natural language processing and therapeutic expertise. Sounds good, right? Using A.I. via social media to significantly reduce psychological problems like anxiety and depression would be quite a breakthrough. But there are some major hurdles to overcome.

Like the rest of the health care sector all across the world, mental health treatment is in crisis. Therapy and counseling are incredibly labor-intensive, requiring multiple sessions with one expert per client over long periods of time to achieve even modest results. As such, this is an area ripe for Silicon Valley-style disruption—using technology to scale a competitor service to a bigger audience at a lower cost. In the past year, we’ve seen ample evidence of this happening. Ever since Facebook opened its Messenger platform to developers, there’s been an explosion of chatbots, and several of them are explicitly marketed as mental health tools.

Woebot, built by a Stanford team, is one of the first to be scrutinized under empirical research and peer review, and the results were published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research (Mental Health) on June 6. From a flyer posted online, researchers were able to recruit a convenience sample of about 70 participants, mostly white women. While it would be easy to criticize such a lopsided sample, it’s more important to note that at baseline, more than 75 percent scored in the severe range for anxiety symptoms. These people are vulnerable and in need of care and protection.

Participants were randomly assigned to either interacting with the bot (test condition) or were directed to self-help resources (control condition). Before beginning the treatment, Woebot first introduced participants in the test condition to the concepts of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is a type of psychotherapy that encourages clients to restructure their thinking patterns to try to improve their moods. Then Woebot gathered mood data by asking general questions and replied with appropriate empathetic responses. For example, if a participant expressed loneliness, Woebot would reply with something like, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling lonely. I guess we all feel a little lonely sometimes.” (Here’s an example of a Woebot interaction.) Its conversational style also included CBT techniques such as goal-setting and reflecting participants’ mood trends back to them. If a participant reported clinical-level problems like suicide or self-harm, he or she was directed to emergency helplines.

After about two weeks, participants once again completed measures of depressive/anxious symptoms, and positive/negative mood. The study’s lead author said that she was “blown away” by the data, but compared with baseline, no significant between-group differences were observed in terms of anxiety, positive mood, or negative mood. Only on reported depressive symptoms were any significant results achieved. In other words, being assigned to Woebot instead of self-help material made no difference to participants’ mood or anxiety levels.
To be frank, these results aren’t much to write home about. But at the same time, in these times of extraordinarily dysfunction in health care provision, any work that tries to alleviate mental health suffering should be welcomed, if cautiously. While Woebot might not be a cure-all right now, as the authors of the study say, for the 10 million U.S. college students suffering from anxiety and depression, it has the potential to become a useful mental health resource.
However, there’s another wrinkle here, one the study authors don’t mention in their write-up. Because Woebot is built on Messenger, participants’ data is shared not only with the Woebot operators, but with Facebook, too.

Facebook came under fire earlier this year when it was accused of helping advertisers target teenagers by their emotional state—an accusation it strenuously denied. In comment to Slate, Facebook confirmed that it does not offer tools to target ads to people based on their emotional state. Moreover, Facebook also said that it does not target any type of advertising based on the content of Messenger conversations. So, if you use Woebot, you should not receive targeted ads based on the deeply sensitive data you share with it, and hence Facebook. So far, so good.

However, Facebook could not confirm that it had no plans to do so in the future. Of course, Facebook never comments on future product developments, so this is unsurprising, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything nefarious is in the works. But at the same time, this policy could change, and certainly Facebook has done so in the past. Note, for example, the $122 million fine thrown at Facebook by the European Commission for combining its data with data from WhatsApp—something that it said it “couldn’t” do when it first purchased WhatsApp.

Fundamentally, the social media industry is largely self-regulated, and as a result, so are therapeutic bots like Woebot. Even if they are minimally effective, the people using them are clearly vulnerable and deserve to have their most sensitive information secured indefinitely. Our mental health crisis is not going any time soon, and government and the tech industry have profound responsibilities here. As therapy and counseling are disrupted, we need to make this emerging field safe and secure for all of us.

Ciarán Mc Mahon of Slate magazine wrote this article. For more information, go to: www.slate.com/blogs/future_tense/2017/07/18/what_research_says_about_woebot_the_facebook_chatbot_therapist.html

Uncle Buddy: Chickens come home to roost

8/27/2017

In the Book of Exodus, the first chapter and 22d verse, we read that Pharaoh commanded Moses to be drowned in the River Nile. But Moses, being God's favorite child, and a child that was predestined to do a great work for God and for God's people, God's eye was on this remarkable boy, for the reader will understand that this boy Moses was to give the law to the world.

When Pharaoh laid his plans to drown Moses, God was much displeased with Pharaoh's plan; and we read that God had Pharaoh to take Moses and educate him until he was taught in all the wisdom of the Egyptians, and he was the most mighty man intellectually in the whole nation.

After the education of Moses was complete we read again in the Book of Exodus, at the 14th chapter and 27th verse, that God had Moses to drown Pharaoh, so we see that the very kind of death that Pharaoh planned for Moses, God and Moses planned for Pharaoh.

So my beloved, don't plan something evil for your neighbor, for it is possible that the very death that you plan for your neighbor, God will allow to come to you -- for "Chickens come home to roost."

Robinson, Reuben A. (Bud). The Collected Works of 'Uncle Bud' Robinson (Kindle Locations 2545-2552). Jawbone Digital. Kindle Edition.

Face to Face

8/26/2017

Face to face with Christ, my Saviour,
Face to face, what will it be,
When with rapture I behold Him,
Jesus Christ, who died for me?

Refrain:
Face to face I shall behold Him,
Far beyond the starry sky;
Face to face in all His glory,
I shall see Him by and by!

Only faintly now I see Him,
With the darkling veil between;
But a blessed day is coming,
When His glory shall be seen.

What rejoicing in His presence,
When are banished grief and pain;
When the crooked ways are straightened,
And the dark things shall be plain.

Face to face! O blissful moment!
Face to face, to see and know;
Face to face with my Redeemer,
Jesus Christ, who loves me so.

Date: 1898
Author: Carrie E. Breck
Music: Grant Colfax Tullar

Story:
A Pastor, his wife, and Grant Tullar had made their last call on the sick one afternoon in 1898. They hurried to the home of the pastor, wanting to have tea together before going to the evangelistic meetings that were in progress. Tullar was assisting in those services.

In their hurry to get the table spread someone failed to fill the jam dish. There was only a small bite left. The pastor and his wife knew that Tullar was very fond of the jam, so they both refused it. As the dish was passed to him, he exclaimed, 'So this is all for me, is it?' Suddenly, the thought occurred to him that 'All for Me' was a good title for a song. The little bit of jam faded into insignificance as Tullar's mind began to think on this new subject. He placed the jam dish back on the table and immediately excused himself, went to the piano and composed a melody and wrote several verses.

Before going to bed that evening, Tullar promised the pastor and his wife that he would revise the work somewhat. He never did, because the next morning the postman brought to him a letter from a lady, Mrs. Frank A. Beck enclosed were several poems. After reading the very first poem, he became suddenly aware that it exactly fitted the music that he had written the night before. Not a single word of the poem nor his music needed to be changed. After that, he never used his own words, but decided to use those of Mrs. Beck for the song now titled, "Face To Face".

Face to face with Christ my Saviour,
Face to face what will it be?
When with rapture I behold Him,
Jesus Christ who died for me.

Bible Verse

Revelation 22:4 - And they shall see his face; and his name shall be in their foreheads.

The hymn and story for this hymn was taken from this website: www.popularhymns.com/face_to_face.php

Limitations

8/25/2017

But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord. – Jeremiah 1:7-8

The book of Jeremiah tells a story about a young boy who doubts his calling. In the first part of the book, God calls Jeremiah to be the “prophet among the nations”. This means that Jeremiah was called to prophesy to both the Northern and Southern Kingdom. These kingdoms were not exactly friendly with one another. There were deep tensions lingering with the shared memory of a relatively recent civil unrest, and separation.

Prophets were not often met with hospitality. It was already a job that not many people would want, not to mention the fact that Jeremiah had a lot of insecurities about his level of skill. He was young, and (according to him) didn’t speak well. For a moment, he probably thought this was enough excuse to exempt him from the difficult task ahead. God had other plans, and overlooked Jeremiah’s insecurities.

You see, God knew what Jeremiah was made for despite the objections that came up. Every mistake, learning experience, relationship, success, conversation, and redirection of this man’s life molded him into the person God wanted him to become. Sure, he didn’t have the technical expertise to do everything that the Lord was calling him to do with flawless perfection, but all God was asking him to do was obey. We see later that Jeremiah was the prophet through several kings and generations, so everything must have worked according to plan. God put the words in his mouth and protected him.

As humans, we tend to put limitations on God that happen to mirror our own perceived limitations. When we do this we began to attempt to create God in our own image instead of allowing God to continually create us in His image. We think, for some reason, that God can only perform at a level that we are capable of achieving, and often when things seem to hard we think that God must not be in it.

The God who created the universe calls all Christians to supernatural activity. When we simply obey His calling in life, and let go of our fear, amazing things can happen and we can even be on the front row to experience lives being changed.

Don’t put limitations on God. He can do anything and all He wants is a willing heart. Become uncomfortable.

Prayer for today: God, help me to release my fears into your hands. I believe you are who you say you are, and I know you can use me. Help me to make a difference.

This post was written by Rev DeCrastos. You can find his blog here: ministrysauce.com

The God of Deliverance

8/24/2017

The theme of Psalm 107, especially verses 1-32, is that God is a God of deliverance. Verses 1-22 seem to focus on God delivering people from the consequences of sin. The people signed against God, became enslaved by the consequences of their sin, cried out to God, and He delivered them. Since God is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8) we can believe and expect God to deliver in these ways today through faith in Jesus.

Jesus delivers us from futility. “Oh, give thanks to the Lord , for He is good! For His mercy endures forever. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy, And gathered out of the lands, From the east and from the west, From the north and from the south. They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way; They found no city to dwell in. Hungry and thirsty, Their soul fainted in them. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them forth by the right way, That they might go to a city for a dwelling place. Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He satisfies the longing soul, And fills the hungry soul with goodness.” Psalms 107:1‭-‬9 NKJV

They wandered around basically accomplishing nothing but moving deeper into poverty till they cried out to God. They cried out to God and He delivered them out of their futility and poverty. He led them in the right way and He satisfied them. He satisfied their souls and their bodies, their spiritual hunger and their physical hunger.

Jesus delivers them from slavery.

“Those who sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, Bound in affliction and irons— Because they rebelled against the words of God, And despised the counsel of the Most High, Therefore He brought down their heart with labor; They fell down, and there was none to help. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, And broke their chains in pieces. Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men! For He has broken the gates of bronze, And cut the bars of iron in two. ” Psalms 107:10‭-‬16 NKJV

They were enslaved because of their sin. They had rebelled against God, and despised His Words. This causes them to be bound in affliction as they sat in darkness and the shadow of death. Their life and work was hard and bitter, until they called on the Lord. He delivered them from darkness and broke the chains of their slavery.

Jesus delivered them from sickness.

“Fools, because of their transgression, And because of their iniquities, were afflicted. Their soul abhorred all manner of food, And they drew near to the gates of death. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, And He saved them out of their distresses. He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destructions. Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men! Let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving, And declare His works with rejoicing.” Psalms 107:17‭-‬22 NKJV

They were physically sick and about to die because of their sin. While sickness isnt always due to sin, it was in this case. They were delivered from their sickness as they called on the Lord.

Jesus delivered them from the storms of life.

“Those who go down to the sea in ships, Who do business on great waters, They see the works of the Lord , And His wonders in the deep. For He commands and raises the stormy wind, Which lifts up the waves of the sea. They mount up to the heavens, They go down again to the depths; Their soul melts because of trouble. They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, And are at their wits’ end. Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, And He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, So that its waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; So He guides them to their desired haven. Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men! Let them exalt Him also in the assembly of the people, And praise Him in the company of the elders.” Psalms 107:23‭-‬32 NKJV

The picture here is that of a pretty severe storm. I’d guess it’s the kind of storm that makes them feel as though they’re going to die. They were delivered from this storm as they called on the Lord.

The God who delivered in Psalm 107 is the God who delivers today. Call on Him for deliverance. Confess any sin in your life. Turn from your sin and to God today.

This post was written by Rev Ross. You can find his blog here: stacyjross.wordpress.com

Being an effective step-father

8/23/2017

Anyone who has been a father and then a stepfather knows that they aren’t the same. While many aspects of these two roles are similar, it is the unique ones that lead to disillusionment. Franklin put it this way: “I’ve been to every Promise Keepers conference and I’ve studied fathering with my men’s group many times. But nothing has prepared me for being a stepfather. With my own kids I have a natural leadership authority that allows me to teach them and be directive. With my stepchildren I constantly feel like I’m one step behind, like I have to establish myself each time I engage them.”

Stepfathering can be challenging. Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities. The unmapped territory seems to have many land mines and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy.” But stepfathers can have profound and important leadership roles with stepchildren. Like Joseph, who wasn’t Jesus’ biological parent, stepfathers can offer guidance, love, and encouragement to the children under their care. Here’s a map for the territory and some practical action points for stepfathers.

Get a Lay of the Land

All stepparents need to understand the emotional climate of their stepchildren. Stepfathers are no different. For example, being aware of the child’s emotional wounds and hurts from past losses is vital to coping with the sometimes angry or oppositional attitudes of children in stepfamilies.

It is also very important that stepfathers recognize that gaining respect and leadership from stepchildren is a process; you earn the right to lead by developing trust and connection with stepchildren. You must be willing, for example, to enter the child’s life as an “outsider” who slowly finds acceptance, at the child’s pace. For many men it is very disturbing to realize that their stepchildren get to determine the pace at which they find acceptance in the family. And it’s true—you don’t get to control your parental status—the children do. They will open their heart to you when they are ready. Until then, you must cope with feeling out-of-control and find ways to work within the system as it is. Here are some tools that might help:

1. Initially Provide Indirect Leadership

There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships: 1) positional power and 2) relational power. Initially as a stepfather you have positional power because you are an adult in the house who is married to the children’s mother. Much like a teacher at school, you have positional power. As your relationship with the children grows, often over a period of years, you gain relational power because they now care about you personally. Your opinions matters more, your validation is sought after, and your warm embrace feels safe.

In the beginning, when limited to positional power, effective stepfathers provide in-direct leadership in their home by leading through their wife who holds a great deal of relational power with the children. Work with her behind the scenes to establish boundaries, expectations, and the values that will govern your home. While she might be the one to communicate the values and hand down discipline, you can still be very responsible to set a godly tone for the family.

2. Express Your Commitment

Articulate your commitment to your stepchildren’s mother. Keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren. In fact, they may be threatened by it. Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it. Additionally, mom’s remarriage (whether following a death or divorce) is often perceived as another loss to children, not a gain (as you see it). Be patient with their adjustment to your marriage, but communicate your commitment to the permanency of the marriage nevertheless.

3. Communicate Your Role

It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role. Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place. Communicating that same understanding to their father is also very helpful to him; hopefully this will help him to not fear your involvement with his kids. As his fear decreases, his cooperative spirit about your presence may increase. Finally, tell your stepkids that you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for the child. Let them know that if they feel stuck between you and their dad, they can make you aware of it and it won’t hurt your feelings.

4. Be a Spiritual Leader

Many stepfathers discover that sharing faith matters is, in addition to spiritual training for the child, a good way to connect emotionally. Processing the moral content of a TV program or “thinking out loud” about your decision not to spend money on a bigger fishing boat helps children see your character and learn important spiritual values at the same time. Show them you are a person worthy of respect and they’ll eventually give you respect.

5. Be Approachable

As a therapist I always know I’m going to have a tough time helping a family when the stepfather is defensive and easily hurt by the typical reactions of stepchildren. Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you. In fact, most of kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for child’s heartache). Until you have worked through the struggles of building a relationship, most of what a kids throws at you is a test of your character. Show yourself not easily offended and able to deal with their emotional ups and downs. This will make it more likely that they see you as someone they can trust.

6. Show Appreciation

If you want to win someone’s heart, give them a thousand compliments (even when they aren’t asking for it). Showing appreciation is the quickest way to build someone up and help them to feel comfortable in your presence. By contrast, be cautious with criticism. Words of affirmation go along way to engendering safety and closeness.

7. Spend Time Together

Find time to be with your stepchildren, but do so with wisdom. If a child is not welcoming of your presence, join their life at a distance. This means taking them to their soccer game and cheering from the sidelines, but not being too much of a coach. It also means knowing what’s important to them and gently inquiring with interest: “You studied for three hours last night for that science exam. How did it go?” “I know you’ve got a big date this Friday. I noticed a concert in the paper today that you might consider attending. I think she’d like this, but it’s your call whether you go.”

Also, if you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there. Don’t disappoint a child who is deciding whether to let you in their heart or not.

As your relationship grows, you can spend one-on-one time with the child, go on special retreats together, and serve side-by-side in your church’s summer work camp. Focused time will deepen the trust and emotional bond in your relationship.

8. Manage Stress and Your Anger

Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do). But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents. When stress and conflict arise (and they will!) make sure you manage yourself well. The child’s assessment of your character won’t include how they contributed to the conflict, even if they intentionally “pushed you.” All they will see is an angry person. Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk. Give them every reason to believe it is.

This, of course, does not mean that you can’t ever get angry or stressed. But it does mean that you manage your emotions and not overreact toward the child or their mother. Communicate through your actions that it is safe for the child to be vulnerable around you and you’ll notice them softening with time.

This post was written by Ron Deal. You can find his post here: www.fathers.com/s5-your-situation/c21-step-dad/the-effective-stepfather-a-check-list-to-live-by/

Step-dads: Engaging your family

8/22/2017

When reflecting on his role as a stepfather, David said, “I simply didn’t have any idea how hard blending a family would be. I lacked any knowledge of how to deal with my stepkids.” Conquering Stepdad Mountain might not be as rugged as climbing one of the world’s tallest peaks, but it will probably take longer than you expect.

And you’re not just climbing because it’s there. You’re climbing because it matters. Yes, there is reward for you at the top, but there’s also reward for your family and stepchildren. How you live, love, and lead your stepchildren (and biological children) will create a legacy and heritage that long outlive you. It’s important that you climb well.

So how do you climb? Here are some best practices of smart stepdads, young and old, new and veteran. Consider how you might implement them into your climb.

1. Trust God to lead. Probably the one universal negative experience of stepdads is the feeling of uncertainty. If you find yourself wondering what to do and how to go about it, you’re in good company. From a spiritual standpoint, uncertainty is an invitation to faith. God always uses our “I don’t know what to do’s” to invite us to trust Him more—and we should.

Don’t anguish because you don’t know what to do. Ask God to show you. Don’t panic in your uncertainty and give up on your family. Seek a word from the Spirit. Don’t assume you are alone. Find comfort and direction in His Word. Then you can climb Stepdad Mountain one step at a time.

2. Know your place. A smart stepdad understands that there is an inherent dilemma to his task: How can you be Dad when you’re not Dad? Obviously, you can’t. Even if the biological dad is deceased, you will never replace him, so don’t try. Playing “who’s your daddy” only causes stress in your home. And stress in a stepfamily thickens blood, pitting you against your stepchildren and often your wife.

3. Understand the limits of your role. It’s not your responsibility to undo the past. The negative consequences of divorce, or the pain children experience when a father dies is not yours to resolve. Come alongside children in these situations and try to offer a positive influence over time, but don’t try to be the white knight in shining armor. Just love them.

4. Move in with tact. Don’t be a bull in a china shop. Respect children’s loyalties.

“I became a stepfather when my stepdaughter was 8,” said Anthony. “Her father was very involved in her life and a good dad. There just wasn’t room for me in her heart; therefore, we had a very strained relationship. We were never able to build anything. Now that she is a grown woman, I sense she is becoming a little less competitive … but I think the best way to describe our relationship even now is ‘uneasy toleration.’” Anthony’s climb was and is steep. Thank goodness he respected this reality or things might have become worse.

5. Partner with your wife. She needs to believe that you are committed to and care about her, her children, and their past experiences before you will receive her trust. Therefore, do a lot of listening before injecting your opinion; demonstrate an authentic appreciation for all she has done to provide for her children before trying to make suggestions.

When you do make suggestions, especially early in your climb, be sure to reveal your heart’s intentions first. Consider the contrast between harshly saying, “Your son is a lazy boy. When are you going to make him get up in the morning and get to school on time?” and saying, “I have come to really care about David. I’m hoping to offer some guidance to him and better prepare him for life. I’ve noticed he’s struggling to manage his time and responsibilities with school. Can we talk about how we might encourage more responsibility in him?”

6. Until you have earned their respect, let your wife handle discipline with her children. Leadership that shapes character is a function of emotional attachment with a child. Ruling with an iron hand without a foundational relationship sabotages your level of respect and subverts what you are trying to teach.

Many stepdads mistakenly assume that not taking the lead is a sign of weakness. Actually, it is an indication of strategic wisdom and strength. So while taking the time to build a solid relationship and gradually moving into discipline, trust your wife to continue being the primary parent to her kids.

7. Be patient with your wife, especially when her past creates emotional baggage that you can’t change. Danny shared that his wife’s first marriage left a lot of emotional scars that he thought he could change. “I didn’t have a clue how hard it would be for her to overcome them,” he said. “We have been together for nine years and I’m still dealing with her insecurities. It’s part of who she is, so I just deal with it and go on.”

At first, Danny thought he could “love it out of her,” but in time he came to see that ultimately this was her mountain to climb. He could choose to love her as best he could, but in the end, she would have to deal with the emotional residue from her first marriage.

8. Be equitable in parenting. Wayde observed, “I’ve always felt that my wife has supported my authority with her kids as long as it was fair and equal to what I’d use to discipline my kids.” If you ever want to turn your wife into an angry mama bear protecting her cubs, just show favoritism to your kids and treat hers unfairly. Believe me, you’ll awaken the bear.

9. Unless proven otherwise, assume your stepchildren would pick their dad over you. Recognize that a huge step toward gaining your stepchildren’s respect comes from respecting their relationship with their father (even if he’s deceased) and not positioning yourself in competition with him. Doing so just pushes them further away from you and closer to their dad.

Tim, a dad of two and stepdad to two, understands this well. “I have always tried to keep in mind what I want my child to hear from my ex or her new husband about me. I then apply the Golden Rule to my stepkids’ dad. If, on the other hand, I put the kids in the position of having to choose between me and their dad, I always assume they would choose him. (This is especially difficult at times when I want to selfishly ‘one up’ him to make myself look better.) This also means that when my wife and stepkids are badmouthing him, I have to keep from being drawn into the discussion. They will turn on me in a heartbeat.”

10. Remain engaged. Through the years I’ve worked with many disengaged stepdads and their families. The reasons for their drift varied: one man had a “these aren’t my kids” attitude; another had an extremely introverted personality and he simply didn’t know how to engage people in general, let alone his stepchildren. Still others found themselves paralyzed by the guilt of not being around their biological children.

“How can I really enjoy my stepkids when I feel like I’m shorting my kids of my time?” one man said. “In some bizarre way I think I’m making it up to my kids when I deny myself time with my stepchildren.” Still other stepdads find that once they’ve disengaged, which may have initially been part of surviving the confusion of their role, they can’t find their way back.

If you have been disengaged, you can’t stay that way; you hold an important role in your stepkids’ lives. When you married their mother, God positioned you as a role model, friend, teacher, and mentor.

The specifics of how intimate your role will become cannot be predicted, but you have a responsibility to make the most of the opportunities you are given. You can be a blessing to your stepchildren, but not if you don’t engage. To the best of your ability, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). And remember, if you want to have influence with someone, you must be moving toward them emotionally and them toward you. If one of those isn’t happening, forget about having influence or authority.

11. Don’t go it alone. A smart stepdad will also surround himself with a band of brothers. Joe, a stepfather of two, encourages young stepdads to be involved in a fellowship with other men where you are open and honest about your life. “You cannot do this alone,” he says. “You desperately need other men to walk with you on this journey. Without my band of brothers I never would have come this far. If there are men in your life that have ‘meddling’ rights, then you can stay on the right path with the right attitude.”

This post was written by Ron Deal. You can find his original post here: www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family/stepparents/stepparenting-skills/11-ways-for-a-stepdad-to-engage-with-his-family