Today we are concluding our discussion of bad boys with the Chaotic Religious Bad Boy.   This man has had repeated false starts and failures in his life.  He may also have impulsivity in various parts of his life: spending, sex, gambling, substance abuse, shoplifting, overeating  or intentionally punishing himself.  He will often have outbursts of intense anger and frequent episodes of a lack of control.

He has a severe identity problem.  He may have turbulent shorts of mood ranging from depression to anxiety to irritability and rage.  These moods may last from a few hours to a few days with a quick return to a seemingly normal mood.  He is intolerant of being alone and frantically tries to find someone to be with so that he will not be depressed.  He thinks of his life as being chronically empty and boring.

In church, he will have many people to whom he frantically appeals.  There may be from two to twenty people who are seeking to "help" him.  He is a topic of frequent conversation among these people, talking about his latest episodes of terror:  self-multilation, suicidal gestures, accidents, or fights.  Church for this bad boy is not about intimacy with God.  Rather, church is a place where there are numerous people who protect him from being alone.  When he becomes frantic about being alone, several people in the congregation will be called in rapid succession.

How can the church help the Chaotic Religious Bad Boy?

The whole church can become emotionally exhausted after several crises.  The spiritual dilemma of caring for these men is knowing how to be a steadfast, sustaining person and at the same time maintain realistic but considerate limits on his demanding nature.  

Therefore, a quiet, patient, persistent quest to help them know the mind and purpose of God in his life, sustained and enriched by the assurance that he is a beloved Child of God, who has a meaning, a purpose, a place, and a loving use for his, is the overall strategy in the church's care of him.

The church needs to be a steadfast community of faith questing with him for growth in his emotional and spiritual life.  We need to be a community of encouragement and celebration with him as he gets his life together in God's presence.

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The overscrupulous religious bad boy is a leader who sucks energy from various members of the church.  With his endless observations about himself and others, he drains joy from the congregation.   Additionally, he is always seeking advice and reassurance, mostly for trivialities.  
Further, this bad boy is stingy with his emotions and material possessions.  Money often becomes a battleground for him.  He insists that the church does things his way and is unaware of the rage he provokes in others when their plans are set aside on behalf of his nitpicking demands.

Unfortunately, this bad boy often ends up as the church treasurer or runs church meetings and runs these meetings strictly by the latest edition of Roberts Rules.  He will argue points of order, procedures and motions so that the point of the meeting becomes lost and the members are frustrated.  He fails to see the humor in many situations.

This bad boy can also take on the role of being the person who notices every tiny infraction by church members.  The overscrupulous Christian bad boy engages in biblical nitpicking and tends to use certain sections of God's Word as litmus tests, passing judgment on the spiritual state of those who don't agree with his interpretation.  Further, it is not uncommon for him to feel much anxiety about his Christian walk and worry about committing the unpardonable sin.  

How can the church help the overscrupulous spiritual bad boy?

The core concern to be addressed with him is "what is your God like?"  This man tends to have a Pharaoh for his god.  God, from his perspective, is one who is perpetually demanding of him. The whole perception of a God of deliverance from the slave pits, One who can release him from the burden of guilt, shame and sin, a God who has a "wideness in His mercy" and whose love is broader than than he can perceive -- is the message we want to convey by our presence and our responses to these burden bearers who take on the world's load.  

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This bad boy has had a troubled life.  He has experienced outright rejection, ridicule, depreciation denigration, belittlement and humiliation.  These forms of verbal abuse were experienced at an early age causing an emotional disability, learning to expect the same behavior from everyone.  Hence, he stays out of the way of possible rejection and humiliation.  What makes him a bad boy is that he assumes that he is not worthy of esteem from others.  He assumes that the world is a harsh place; he has concluded long ago that life is hard to bear.  He is filled with a mixed bag of emotions:  sadness, anger, loneliness and feelings of alienation.  

In the church, this bad boy really believes he is bad.  He sees the world as unjust.  He expects the church to be just like he has experienced all his life.  Therefore, when he senses any slight or sense of injustness, he quickly backs off and starts to speak of the church as being no different than the world.  He quickly proclaims to people in the church, especially newcomers, that "this church is no different."  You would think that these feelings would cause him to stop serving in the church but this sense of martyrdom keeps him coming back and verifies his  negative feelings which results in negative reactions to him which results in more negative feelings, and on and on.  He is caught in a cycle.  

What can the church do about this avoidant religious bad boy?

To be a source of slowly growing hope that encourages the beginning of trustworthy feelings is the starting point for helping him change.  To do this, clear covenants carefully kept and open to being tried and tested are necessary.  As he attempts to break these covenants, we can sustain our relationship by seeing it as a test, not as a personal rejection.  Yet, being careful not to promise too much is likewise important.  Jesus' wisdom of the invitation, of standing at the door and knocking, of waiting for an invitation, of living in the day that is at hand with no thought of tomorrows, certainly speaks to this bad boy more than do any pressured tactics.  

Much thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Having just taken a 3-day break from posting about religious bad boys, we now are at RELIGIOUS BAD BOYS - PART DEUX.  The four bad boys this week are less dramatic in their presentation and it's a bit harder to ferret out their behavior but they can still be damaging  to a church body.

The passive-aggressive religious bad boy has a negativistic or oppositional personality.  He has many ambivalent and contradictory behaviors.  In the church, this man may be chosen to chair a committee but may never get around to having meetings and misses deadlines.  

There are two characteristics that are important to consider with this bad boy:
1) a time awareness that focuses on the present moment and deletes memory of past mistakes, ignoring the foresight required for planning, calculating risks, and anticipating upcoming threats to the church, and
2) a passive refusal to accept the instruction, discipline, and sacrifice in earning credentials for getting ahead in a culture that values greatly things such as college degrees and professional competency and licenses.  

The passive-aggressive religious bad boy is essentially unwilling to choose a teacher or a friend from whom he can learn.  He believes that he can pick up things from experience, on his own.  He is willing to accept money and other favors from people in authority but unwilling to accept consultation, instruction, warning or admonition.  

He carries a persistent mode of never having any good luck.  If a specific situation does not turn out right, it is because other people have let him down, did not do what they said they would do, or were plainly not doing their job right.  He is unwilling to be responsible for their own actions.

This bad boy is a "yes, but..." man.  He may courteously agree that your ideas are good but then begins to point out all the hindrances one might encounter.  Or he may quietly agree but then procrastinate, dawdle, forget, and finally miss out on the opportunity until it is too late.  In other words, he lets life pass by default.

When the opportunity is past, he becomes morose and sullen can be impulsive, unpredictable and explosive.  He then makes impulsive changes and drags his family and friends (and sometimes his church if he is a church leader) into surprising and dramatic changes.  He may buy or sell property, or spend money inordinately  which reveals his great impairment of judgment.  

How can the church help the bad boy?

Underlying his behavior is a fear of making a mistake, trying to be perfect but knowing that he cannot.  Hence, he usually doesn't follow thru with decisions.  To help him find confidence, we need to develop a program of close supervision over a period of time.  He needs small successes that lead to larger successes.  

This man needs to recognize the voice of God's Holy Spirit, learning to act upon these promptings immediately.  We can lay a gentle but firm hand of encouragement on his shoulder and be a Barnabas, a person of encouragement.

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The anti-social bad boy places high value on being tough, thick-skinned and powerful.  He wants people to fear him.  You may look at that statement and ask, "come on, we could spot this guy a mile away, there's no way he could be a church leader!"  

You could be surprised.  Who wouldn't admire a church leader who plunged himself into opposing anti-Christian causes that many would rather ignore? A pastor who regularly speaks against the ills of our society with a militant vigilantism?  A leader who fears nothing and no one?  He is always on the news, internet and/or local paper as the man to go to for a Christian opinion, drawing headlines and attention?  This man is attractive, manly and assertive.  He draws people thru his strength, his ability to gain followers.

What is he like behind the scenes?  Thinly veiled as Christ-like behavior, he is self-reliant, full of energy and hardheaded.  Intimidation is his first tool of choice in relationships.  The anti-social bad boy uses his  powers of debate, exclusion and inclusion,  and theological name-calling to express toughness.  He loves a good fight (in Christian circles, this is called deep theological discussions).  He is very good at thinking on his feet, flying by the seat of his pants.  

This bad boy lives by the motto, "I don't get angry, I get even."  In church settings this vindictiveness appears under a social mask.  He may appear to be very suave, sincere and adult.  However, his inner circle (the boards, committees and staff that he intimidates), his confidants, carry out his vendetta.  These people don't want to cross him.  He claims that most people are devious and punitive and this justifies his own mistrustful, hostile and vengeful attitudes by ascribing them to others.  People are not to be trusted until they have proven thru repeated testing that they are loyal.  

Manipulation and coercion become his tools of conquest.  If acting gracious, cheerful and charming will maneuver and subjugate, he will do so.  He may have the motto, "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" and just does what he wants.   If such behavior fails, frustration of his will to power easily turns into furious, vindictive attacks.  The people & institutions around him become tools of power.  Christianity and its pieties are subordinated to the iron necessities of his personal need to control.  

He will kiss those above him and kick those below him.  When he arrives at his temporary pinnacle (he always wants a more powerful pinnacle) the people beneath him are there to minister to him.  He spends his time, energy and attention in feathering his nest and maintaining his position of power.

How can the church deal with the anti-social religious bad boy?

The anti-social Bad Boy assumes he is clever and you are stupid.  A frank, direct, unequivocal "no" tells him that you will not be manipulated, maneuvered, or used.  Jesus reminded us to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves in the face of such men.  A refusal to be frightened by threats and resistance with gentleness and evenhanded good humor destabilizes him.  He needs to learn what Paul Tillich says, "faith in God's love means that we can accept being accepted though we know we are unacceptable."  He needs to learn the discipline of considerateness.  Gentleness can be learned.  Gentleness and self-control are two hallmarks of a person who has God's Holy Spirit indwelling.

He needs to learn a childhood lesson that he obviously missed.  In anger we are to be as children.  Children don't let the sun go down on their wrath.  It's only from older people that that children learn how to carry a grudge, how to plan to get even, and how to be vindictive.  In our interactions with the anti-social bad boy, gentleness is our greatest strength.  It confuses and ministers to him because it is a different pattern of living.  Living the adage, "He who is genuinely strong has no fear of being gentle" will eventually, with his willingness to let God work in him, bring about the needed change.

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The histrionic religious bad boy draws strength from superficial relationships with others.  However, the narcissistic religious bad boy is self-absorbed and wishes little to nothing from others, except that which confirms his superiority.  

This bad boy lives a self-admiring and self-sufficient way of life.  He despises weakness and dependency.  He draws his sense of security and satisfaction from being above others, disdainful of and superior to other people -- stronger, brighter, more beautiful, wealthier, less fallible, and certainly more important than others.  

The narcissistic religious bad boy is a master of exaggeration of his own accomplishments.  He arrogantly overstates his accomplishments and pretentiously shows off a blatant self-assurance.  If indeed he is a person of remarkable good looks or high intelligence or has mastered a skill, art or a profession, then he can make the case for himself stick; it seems plausible.  

However, the capacity for self-evaluation and self-criticism is absent.  If this man becomes a self-absorbed leader in the church, he is likely to project his narcissism onto a large screen of public adulation, which reinforces his feelings of superiority.

This man lives a life of entitlement.  To expect him to show genuine gratitude is like expecting a person with no arms to shake hands with you.  He has a real spiritual deficit:  a lack of the awareness of grace and an incapacity for gratitude.  This entitlement even extends to God.  St. Augustine's quote, "Good men use the world to enjoy God, whereas bad men use God to enjoy the world" describes his spiritual snobbery.  This man seeks to control God.  It doesn't occur to him to yield control of his world to God.  Religion is magic and the narcissistic is the magician.  He tells himself, "I can tell God what to do and He will bless all my ideas."  Essentially, this bad boy is above God.

In the church, this man is full of big ideas couched in glowing terms but little detail as to how to put these ideas into specific, concrete action.  When told to "put up or shut up" this bad boy will fake it, make elaborate promises, fall into misunderstandings with "inferior" people who don't understand his genius and/or make scapegoats of others.  

This man has loyalty tests for those with whom he shares his dreams.  If your loyalty does not meet his standard, then you are no longer trusted with his dreams and your relationship with Christ is questioned.  He wants people to commit to him with unwavering loyalty to him & his ideals and wild ideas.

Elaborate explanations of what God has "done for me" causes people to ask themselves, "Why is he so special to God?"  He has information that arises out of "private talks" with God and uses that information to manipulate and coerce others.  The narcissistic bad boy thanks God that bad things don't happen to perfect people like himself, because God gives him preferential treatment.

How can the church help the Narcissistic Religious Bad Boy?

These individuals only ask for help when faced with a serious loss or are in serious trouble.  Narcissists are a bundle of creativity that need the taming of God's Holy Spirit.  They are a challenge, but it takes an inner awareness that they frankly say about themselves what many others carry as their secrets.  We can thank God for a certain naiveté and guilelessness in them.  That is a rare metal in the human spirit.  But it has to be mined and refined over a period of time by gentle nudgings and confrontations.  IF we do not write them off or give up on them, they just may learn (1) that we can be counted on thru thick and thin, and (2) that if anybody is going to break the relationship between us, they will will have to do it.

Much thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This bad boy lives by the Shakespearean phrase, "all the world's a stage and we are but actors."  What makes him bad is that he seems to never be offstage.  He maneuvers, manipulates, exerts pressure and maintains many "masks" to get what he wants and needs from others.  

When encountering these men, we are left to wonder if the person is putting on an act to get approval or get something from us.  Within these men there is an emptiness, a craving for new conquests, new stimulation, additional applauding audiences.  Out of their hollowness, they deceive themselves and others, which leads to disaster in the churches where they "serve."  Boredom is their constant, sad motivator.  Superficial, broken relationships lie in their wake.

These men creep into the church because congregations want gregarious, charming, outgoing pastors, worship leaders, youth leaders, etc.  The modern church is replete with "religious shows" with seductive clothing, music, bodily movement, and overdramatized religiosity.  Religious expressions of love, intimacy, caring, fellowship and personal sharing and testimony can easily become eroticized and promiscuous in the hands of the histrionic bad boy.  This bad boy's leadership results in churches that are incestuous, abusive and enmeshed.

What can the church do to prevent these men from coming to power in the church?  

When interviewing people for leadership positions within the church, there needs to be careful expectation of a person who forms relationships responsibly, makes promises carefully based upon plenty of information, and is able to stick with people thru longer, less superficial relationships.   One needs to consider the ability to have life-long relationships.  

How can the church help these men change their bad boy image?

In dealing with the histrionic bad boy, underneath the show is an inner emptiness.  This is the end result of life without commitment.  Instead of relating to people as Christ would, he sees people as commodities to be pushed around for the purposes of getting more limelight and attention.  

The histrionic bad boy needs to be held accountable for his behavior.  He needs to deepen his commitment to God and then, using that as a guideline, decide who he really is  and what he needs to be under God's direction.  He needs to reshape his whole interpretation of life.  The objective is to challenge his spiritual emptiness and self-love.  He needs to develop fidelity to a steadfast relationship to God in Jesus Christ and fidelity to those in the church and in the marketplace.  

He needs to be challenged to open up the gates of a new life of depth rather than superficiality, durability rather than transiency.  We can represent Christ to him.  We can refuse to be seduced by his flashiness.  We can challenge and confront his restless boredom.  We can refuse to be used and make durable and steadfast relationships with him so that we don't respond to his endless drama and emergency.  We can help him develop character and maturity and help him form and maintain deep and lasting relationships.

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"Of all bad men, religious bad    
          men are the worst."  

This quote from C.S. Lewis in his book, Reflections on the Psalms, addresses an issue in the church that is frequently overlooked by Christians.  People who are not Christians have no trouble with this quote and believe it wholeheartedly.  However, in the church we tend to overlook bad behavior from our brothers.  Are our churches just some sort of fraternity where we overlook these "imperfections"?  God's Word states that individuals that wink,  to signal that one is in the club, to get away with something are dirty, rotten scoundrels.   Unfortunately, these men have crept into the church.  God's Word describes them as waterless springs and twice dead.

This week and next we will be discussing different personalities that are in positions of authority in the church.  Remember that the individuals in these posts are fictitious.  However, as we go thru some of the behaviors, you will recognize them as actual people that you have encountered in the church.  I know.  I have met each of these men.  You may even recognize yourself in some of these men. I know that I recognize elements of these men in my own personality and it concerns me.  If they are you, ask God to change you.  Only HE can give true, lasting change.

Here are some of the men we will be discussing:  The Histrionic Religious Bad Boy, The Narcissistic Religious Bad Boy,  The Anti-Social Religious Bad Boy, The Passive-Aggressive Religious Bad Boy, The Avoidant Religious Bad Boy, The Overscrupulous Religious Bad Boy and The Chaotic Religious Bad Boy.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.