"We haven't shared our bed for over 20 years," the man told me.  This man came to see me for counseling as he was at the end of himself.  He was running out of faith.  Faith in his marriage, faith in his wife, and ultimately faith that God could fix his situation.  He was on the verge of suicide.

He told me an interesting story.  The problem started rather simply as many young marriages do.  "We were having a fight one evening.  I don't even remember what it was about.  But we were really steamed at each other and I decided I was going to "punish" my wife.  I told her that if she was going to act that way, I would just sleep on the couch."  Over time, this couple learned to handle their conflicts in this distorted, disrespectful and damaging way. God says that this type of behavior is sinful.   Sometimes, his wife would take the initiative and "punish" him by sleeping on the couch.  Over time, there was less forgiveness, less tolerance and less sleeping together.  After a while, they stopped sleeping with each other altogether.  His wife decided that she didn't want to share their bed with a man who was so unforgiving.  So, she decided to move into the spare bedroom.  God has stated that this type of behavior is unacceptable.

By all outward appearances, this couple was envied by their friends.  This couple had a terrific facade.  They both led very active lives.  He would spend time with the boys watching sports and hanging out.  Her friends became more important to her than her husband.  People were so observant of their ability "to let each other enjoy themselves without tying the other down."  

There were problems that were creeping in unaware to this couple.  Their children noticed that at home, dad & mom would hardly speak to each other.  They noticed that there parents would each go to their respective bedrooms in the evening and watch TV.  They noticed that, at home, there was a lack of love and joy.  However, the children also noticed that when they would go to church as a family, that all seemed good.  At first the children enjoyed going to church because it felt like then they were a family that really loved and cared for each other.  However, as the children became teenagers, they noticed the hypocrisy that their parents displayed.  Their parents were one way at home, one way with their friends, and another way at church.  When the children would talk to their friends, they came to realize that their parents really didn't love each other.  It was all an act.  

It was his son that awakened this man to what was really happening.  His son casually said, sarcastically, "when I get married I want to have a wife that I don't love too, Dad."  This man was so floored by his son's hurtful statement, that he didn't even know what to say or do.  He just broke down and started crying.  He asked himself, "what have I taught my children about love and marriage?"  He realized that the last 20 years of his life have been a sham.  That's when the feelings of despair and hopelessness set in.  That's when he first started contemplating ending his life.  Fortunately, this man sought help for his situation, deciding to get counseling for himself.

Now, the recovery from 20 years of denial and lovelessness is a long and arduous journey and I won't get into the issues that this man needed to face in counseling.  However, I share his story to stop you and make you think...

How are you treating your wife?  Have you two gone so far as to not share the marriage bed anymore?  Maybe you haven't done that physically but emotionally.  Do you sleep together, side-by-side, each nite and wonder why you're married, not feeling as if this person to whom you are married is even worth staying with?  Have you given up on your love internally and just live a sham marriage?  

Let me encourage you today.  A pastor of mine used to say this frequently in his sermons, "it's never to late to do the right thing."  So, if you've gone a long time (or even a short time) and haven't been cultivating the love and romance in your marriage, be a man and take the first step.  Swallow your pride. Apologize to your wife for discarding her.  Work on valuing her.  Let your kids see you two in love.  Get help and talk to your pastor or a Christian counselor.

Tomorrow, we are going to continue our discussion of marriage...

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

This bad boy has had a troubled life.  He has experienced outright rejection, ridicule, depreciation denigration, belittlement and humiliation.  These forms of verbal abuse were experienced at an early age causing an emotional disability, learning to expect the same behavior from everyone.  Hence, he stays out of the way of possible rejection and humiliation.  What makes him a bad boy is that he assumes that he is not worthy of esteem from others.  He assumes that the world is a harsh place; he has concluded long ago that life is hard to bear.  He is filled with a mixed bag of emotions:  sadness, anger, loneliness and feelings of alienation.  

In the church, this bad boy really believes he is bad.  He sees the world as unjust.  He expects the church to be just like he has experienced all his life.  Therefore, when he senses any slight or sense of injustness, he quickly backs off and starts to speak of the church as being no different than the world.  He quickly proclaims to people in the church, especially newcomers, that "this church is no different."  You would think that these feelings would cause him to stop serving in the church but this sense of martyrdom keeps him coming back and verifies his  negative feelings which results in negative reactions to him which results in more negative feelings, and on and on.  He is caught in a cycle.  

What can the church do about this avoidant religious bad boy?

To be a source of slowly growing hope that encourages the beginning of trustworthy feelings is the starting point for helping him change.  To do this, clear covenants carefully kept and open to being tried and tested are necessary.  As he attempts to break these covenants, we can sustain our relationship by seeing it as a test, not as a personal rejection.  Yet, being careful not to promise too much is likewise important.  Jesus' wisdom of the invitation, of standing at the door and knocking, of waiting for an invitation, of living in the day that is at hand with no thought of tomorrows, certainly speaks to this bad boy more than do any pressured tactics.  

Much thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.