After almost 30 years of marriage I think we have made some progress in our communication.  Let me tell you about a disagreement that we recently experienced in our marriage.  

Karyn was looking thru a sales circular and noted that there were some electric toothbrush heads that were for sale.  Karyn said, "look at the good price on these Oral-B toothbrush heads!"  I looked at the advertisement and said, "yes, that's a great price but we don't have Oral-B anymore.  (Actually it wasn't Oral-B but Phillips/Norelco but Karyn didn't correct me.) Remember it died and we bought another one?"  "Yeah, but we bought an Oral-B again."  I knew she was wrong.  It was a Braun toothbrush.  I knew that because I had just noted the day before that it was Braun.  Braun is a German brand and I was looking to see if it was multi-volt, able to work in 111-220 volts.  I was surprised when I looked at it that it was only a 110 volt.  I thought that was unusual for a Braun.  Every other Braun device I've had in the past was multi-volt.  In fact, my electric razor is Braun and it is multi-volt.  

I KNEW that I was correct.  So, I said, "No, it's a Braun.  Those toothbrush heads won't work on it.  We have to get Braun toothbrush heads."  Karyn repeated, "No, it's an Oral-B toothbrush, I know it is."  I reiterated, "I know for sure it's a Braun."

What came to mind as those last words popped out of my mouth was a quote from Swiss psychiatrist Paul Tournier in his book, To Understand Each Other.  Dr Tournier writes, "As long as a man is preoccupied primarily with being understood by his wife, he is miserable, overcome with self-pity, the spirit of demanding, and bitter withdrawal.  As soon as he becomes preoccupied with understanding her, seeking to understand that which he had not before understood, and with his own wrongdoing in not having understood her, then the direction taken by events begins to change."  

If Karyn and I had this disagreement 20 years ago, there may have been some sparks flying.  Have you ever noticed that often, in marriage, that disagreements are over petty, mostly insignificant things?  This makes sense because often you marry someone who is fairly similar to you.  You generally agree on the bigger issues like politics, spiritual views, world views, etc.  However, it's the little things that build up over time and irritate marriages.  

Our responsibility in marriage is to seek to understand each other.  A good marriage is composed of two people who grasp this principle. 

We have learned that principle of trying to understand rather than seeking to be understood.  I would say, that over the last years, that this principle was harder for me to incorporate into our marriage than it was for Karyn.  It probably took me at least 10 years of marriage before I truly was able to comprehend what Tournier meant in his book.  Twenty years ago, I would have jumped up from the couch, run into the bathroom, grabbed the toothbrush and brought it back with an air of superiority.  

After all, I know that I am right!

What was most interesting about this disagreement (look at the picture above) is that we were both correct!  That evening, as we were getting ready for bed, I remembered our disagreement from earlier and I looked at the toothbrush.  It said both Oral-B and Braun on it!  When I pointed that out it was hilarious!

It seems now, that most of our disagreements occur when we are both right.  However, now, we aren't so tied into being right but in understanding, even when we know (or think we know) each of us is correct.  

I'm writing this short blog today not to hold us up as some paragon of marital virtue but rather to share a simple principle:         
                         
                                                    It is better to understand than to be understood.

Just in case you're keeping track....  Yes, it was me that wanted to prove, in the end, that I was right.  

Yes, I was right!      and I was wrong...

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

BRIEF THOUGHTS ON OBSCENITY

I had a co-worker ask me yesterday why I don’t use cuss words.  He said to me, “I noticed that you don’t use any language that the other workers use.  You don’t say any obscene words nor do you talk about anything obscene.”  This opened the door for me to talk about Christ and how He transformed me when I was 17 years old.  I am no where near perfect (just ask my sweet wife) but I do love Jesus and I do long for the Spirit of God to transform me from glory to glory (2 Corinthians 3:18).  I praise God that He has changed me by His grace (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Why don’t I use obscene language?  I have many reasons but I will give briefly just a few reasons why I don’t.

1.  The Old Man Is Gone

I did use to cuss.  I cussed like a sailor.  I would use the Lord’s name in swear words and would blaspheme Him.  I got so use to cussing that I would often slip up at home in front of my parents and cuss when I was mad or made a mistake.  Cussing was a part of who I was.  But then Jesus saved and life was not the same.  He washed away my sins by His blood (Matthew 26:28) and He baptized me into His kingdom (1 Corinthians 12:13).  I became His disciple (Matthew 28:19-20) and my heart was to follow Him wherever He went and do all that He did (Luke 14:25-35).  He completely transformed me (2 Corinthians 5:17).  My mind was different (Romans 12:1-2; cf. Psalm 1:1-3).  My heart was different (Ezekiel 36:25-27).  My desires were different (Matthew 6:33).  My passion was for the Lord Jesus and for His glory (Philippians 1:20-21).  I immediately stopped cussing.  To me, cussing was what the old man did.  He was now dead.  I was now in Christ Jesus and was born again in Him (John 3:3-7).  The old man was gone (Ephesians 4:17-24).

2.  Let No Corrupt Word Proceed Out of Your Mouths

Ephesians 4:29.  That was what sealed the deal for me and cussing or any filthy language.  What is viewed as obscene words changes from culture to culture and from generation to generation.  It is not uncommon for people to say “hate” about all kinds of things or “stupid” to other people.  In our home, those words are almost not allowed unless used properly.  We don’t watch television in our home so my boys know nothing of filthy talking.  I rejoice in that.  I want my boys to follow my example and see that I don’t use the talk of the world.  My citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20).  I am an alien and stranger to this land (1 Peter 2:11-12).  I don’t want the things this world wants nor do I want to talk like this world talks (1 John 2:15-17).

3.  Let The Words of My Mouth Exalt You

Psalm 19:14 says, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.”  I want my words to glorify Christ.  I am not perfect and I know that I say things that are not always pleasing to the Lord but my goal is perfection.  I want to exalt Jesus Christ in all that I say and do.  I want Him to be what the One that others see and hear when they see me (1 Corinthians 11:1; Ephesians 5:1-2).

I know these were brief thoughts but I pray that if you use obscene language, run to the Lord and ask Him to give you a new tongue that exalts Him.  Acts 2:4 says that on the day of Pentecost the disciples spoke in other tongues.  I am not getting into the Pentecostal debate here but there is something to be said about the fact that after the Spirit came the disciples spoke with other tongues.  I pray that all of us speak in a new tongue when we get saved.  I pray that the filthy talk that once was part of our lives is completely gone as the Spirit of Christ comes to abide in us.  I pray that our language is God-centered and exalts Jesus to others.  We are not reformed people but we are regenerated people by the Spirit of God (Titus 3:5-7).  Let us praise God in all that we say or do.

This post is written by my friend The Seeking Disciple.  You can find the original post with comments, here:  http://arminiantoday.com/2012/07/10/brief-thoughts-on-obsenity/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The overscrupulous religious bad boy is a leader who sucks energy from various members of the church.  With his endless observations about himself and others, he drains joy from the congregation.   Additionally, he is always seeking advice and reassurance, mostly for trivialities.  
Further, this bad boy is stingy with his emotions and material possessions.  Money often becomes a battleground for him.  He insists that the church does things his way and is unaware of the rage he provokes in others when their plans are set aside on behalf of his nitpicking demands.

Unfortunately, this bad boy often ends up as the church treasurer or runs church meetings and runs these meetings strictly by the latest edition of Roberts Rules.  He will argue points of order, procedures and motions so that the point of the meeting becomes lost and the members are frustrated.  He fails to see the humor in many situations.

This bad boy can also take on the role of being the person who notices every tiny infraction by church members.  The overscrupulous Christian bad boy engages in biblical nitpicking and tends to use certain sections of God's Word as litmus tests, passing judgment on the spiritual state of those who don't agree with his interpretation.  Further, it is not uncommon for him to feel much anxiety about his Christian walk and worry about committing the unpardonable sin.  

How can the church help the overscrupulous spiritual bad boy?

The core concern to be addressed with him is "what is your God like?"  This man tends to have a Pharaoh for his god.  God, from his perspective, is one who is perpetually demanding of him. The whole perception of a God of deliverance from the slave pits, One who can release him from the burden of guilt, shame and sin, a God who has a "wideness in His mercy" and whose love is broader than than he can perceive -- is the message we want to convey by our presence and our responses to these burden bearers who take on the world's load.  

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

What are the common behaviors of a man who claims Christ as his savior?  What does the power of God's Word do to a man?  What does a man look like who has been transformed by God's Holy Spirit?

1. The Christian man is free to be a servant-leader.  He no longer depends upon his own strength, but on the guidance, wisdom and strength of the Lord.  His identity is not dependent on successful achievement, so he is set free to fail without being devastated by failure.  This freedom to fail gives the Christian man courage and faith to step out and take  measured risks in the Lord's work.  He includes others in the decision-making process because he is no longer afraid to admit that he needs the help of others and of God in order to have success.  He can affirm and build up those with whom he works because he feels affirmed and accepted in love by God in Christ.

2.  The Christian man is free to be lighthearted.  He no longer has to take himself so seriously.  God is his refuge.  He is set free from having to protect himself, to fear and shield himself from others.  He is secure in himself and his faith.  He will not list out his accomplishments like a peacock strutting around, fanning his tail.  His personality will take on a peaceful playfulness that will draw others to him.  He can laugh at himself.  He has no need to put others down.  

3.  The Christian man is free to interact with others.  He is relational.  He is a thoughtful boss and a congenial host.  He is free to share himself openly. He will talk with his wife.  He will talk with his children.  He will not talk at them but will talk with them, listening to those he loves.  He will not have to have all the right answers.  He will enjoy entering into the deeper-meaning dimensions of the lives of those around him.  He is no longer interested in telling others how important he is.  He is now more interested in hearing about their joys, their needs, their hopes, their dreams.  

4.  The Christian man is able to be open with others about his needs and to ask for help.  He knows that it is his willingness to open his life to others that creates possibilities for himself and others to grow, receive healing and move on toward maturity in Christ.  The man will give and receive friendship.

(continued tomorrow)

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

I was fortunate over the last three years to serve with our military in Germany.  My time there taught me two important lessons about being a gentleman.  One from a German and one from a U.S. Army Colonel.

I was on a German train traveling to a conference.  It was a bullet train and I reserved my seat (you have to pay extra to get a reservation).  When I got to my seat, a German man, a bit older than me, was sitting in my seat.  It didn't matter that there were other seats available, he was in MY seat and I had PAID for that seat.  I showed him my ticket and he got up and moved to an  empty seat.  What I didn't know was that he was sitting with his friends.  He moved across the aisle and continued his conversation.  I wasn't very friendly, I was upset that this guy could just sit in my seat.  But I put in my earphones, listened to my iPod and tried to not act angry.  As I sat there, listening to my CHRISTIAN music, God talked to me and said I was wrong.  I was full of myself and was not acting like Christ.  Finally, after several stops, I got up and went over to the man and apologized to him (in very broken German) and asked him to trade seats with me.  In perfect English, he said, "no, it was my fault.  It was my pleasure to let you sit there."  Now, I felt even more foolish.  This man said it was his "pleasure."  

On another occasion, I was at a US Military hotel in Seoul, Korea and I was standing at the deli, ordering a sandwich.  I noticed someone had taken the previous number and had thrown it on the ground.  I thought about picking it up, then I thought, "I didn't put it down there, I'm not picking it up."  I ordered  my sandwich and sat down.  Shortly after that, a Colonel came thru the line.  He saw the number that was on the ground and he bent over, picked it up and threw it away and then got back in line.  God spoke to me, He said, "so you thought you were too good to pick that up, huh?  Look at that Colonel.  Even though he is in charge and could have ordered a number of men to pick up that number, he did it himself."  Then I was reminded of the story of the Centurion in Matthew 8.  This Centurion was commended for his humility and faith.

So these two simple stories, I hope, help to spur you into thinking what it means to be a gentleman.  A gentleman thinks of others.  He doesn't get to thinking he is better than anyone else.  A gentleman doesn't think that he is above doing tasks that don't seem worthy.  

Yesterday at Target, when a woman ran over my toe with her shopping cart, I didn't erupt.  I told her not to worry about it.  When a man asked to sit next to me while I was waiting at the pharmacy for my prescription, I simply stated, "yes, it would be my pleasure."   

Are you willing to allow God to make you into a gentleman's gentleman?

For part two, click here

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.