Category: Masculinity

With whom do you gather?

5/24/2014

For where two or three are gathered . . . there am I among them—Matthew 18:20

We men often find it hard to gather with other men in Christian community. Calendars are full: “I just don’t have time for one more thing.” Pride is high: “I’m good . . . I’m doing fine on my own.” Aversion to vulnerability is strong: “Oh, man . . . I’m just not that good at opening up.” If we are followers of our King, Jesus Christ, though, we must gather--“not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some” (Hebrews 10:25).

But . . . why? Why is community so important for men? Well, a couple reasons. “Two are better than one,” Scripture tells us—we are stronger, less vulnerable, together (Ecclesiastes 4:9).

“For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:10).

Even more important, though, Jesus tells us that he is uniquely present when we gather in his name (Matthew 18:20). You see, God the Holy Spirit dwells within each follower of Jesus (John 14:17). Therefore, when we gather, the power of the Spirit flows from one to another and back. When we gather, the work of God is done: confessions are made; sins are repented; love and compassion are expressed; hearts are healed; encouragement is given; lives are transformed. Men are lifted up, up out of sin and rebellion, into life and identity and calling. Work is done that just cannot be done in isolation.

Copyright © 2013 Gather Ministries, All rights reserved

http://www.gatherministries.com/wire/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Are Men Obsolete? Are Boys in Danger? More on the “Decline of Men” and the “Boy Crisis”

1/15/2014

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These musings were triggered by some recent articles and blog posts. A December (2013) Time article described a national effort in Sweden to erase gender distinctions that, many men say, is really aimed at erasing masculinity. Another December Timearticle reported on a scholarly conference held in 2013 that asked “Are Men Obsolete?” A Patheos blogger argued during the same month that society, especially public education, is trying to “emasculate boys” by punishing them just for being boys.

Let me begin by saying that whenever I write on this subject (viz., gender issues) some people, both men and women, accuse me of being part of a “backlash” against feminism and of being “threatened” by the rise of women. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but, of course, I won’t be able to convince them. I’ll just say here that I have for a long time been a promoter of total equality between men and women, boys and girls, in everything. I have been a member of two churches pastored by women and have advocated full equality of women in church, family and society. I am an egalitarian. But that doesn’t commit me to support everything every feminist wants (e.g., gender-neutral language about God) or to oppose everything every non-feminist wants (e.g., male role models especially for boys). I am determined to stay out of the ideological fray over gender and do my best to look at the issues from a common sense point of view.

Common sense and experience tell me that there are gender differences that are not merely social. That is, gender is rooted partly in nature, not just nurture. (Here “gender” will refer to masculinity and femininity while “sex” will refer to biology and physiology. My point is that they are not entirely separable.) For example, I have known small children, toddlers, whose parents have tried very hard to raise them without gender stereotypes—sending them to daycares and pre-schools where boys will be encouraged to play with dolls and girls will be encouraged to play with trucks. And yet, in most cases, the little boys want to play with “heavy machinery” toys and pretend wooden sticks are swords while the girls want to play with dolls and kitchen sets. There are exceptions, of course, but I cannot escape the strong impression that little boys and little girls, overall and in general, are “wired” differently for play. Little boys are also, in general and overall, more “rambunctious” while little girls are, in general and overall, less so. This difference begins almost as soon as they can walk and grows no matter what parents and teachers do or say.

I believe little and big boys’ “rambunctious” tendencies need to be controlled, not erased. Whenever their rambunctiousness impinges on others’ freedom or safety it ought to be curbed by adults. But little and big boys should not be told to be more like girls. Or social engineered to be more like girls. The irony is that society seems to want boys to be more like girls but girls to be more like boys—even in those manners and habits they disdain in boys. Girls are encouraged to join the military and become fighters. Girls are encouraged to engage in very physical, even violent, sports. Girls are encouraged to become aggressive (as they mature) while aggression in boys is treated as a disease to be cured.

I believe boys, in general and overall, are naturally more competitive, goal-driven, aggressive, and constructive (in the sense of building things) than girls. Channeled and governed these tendencies contribute much to society. Treating them as a disease and punishing boys for displaying them in non-violent ways leads only to resentment and acting out—secretly if not openly (remember “Fight Club?”). Boys need outlets for physical energy. Instead, many schools are cancelling recess and requiring boys to sit still and be quiet in the same way most girls can for long periods of time.

Too many schools are punishing boys for being boys and pushing girls to be more like boys—beyond what they naturally want or are comfortable with.

What message do we, as a society, send to boys (I’m thinking here mainly of adolescents who are becoming aware of such things) when academics and scholars suggest that men are “obsolete?” What does “men are obsolete” mean? Well, of course, usually, it doesn’t mean the male sex is obsolete (although in a few cases of extreme feminists it might). It means the masculine gender is obsolete. Men, as men, have nothing distinctive to contribute to society. But always in such discussions women as women still do.

Here’s an example of how this works “on the ground,” so to speak. Like most academics I read The Chronicle of Higher Education and try to keep my pulse on what is happening in American academic life. For the past several years there has been a major “push” to get women into disciplines and professions historically populated mainly by men. One article I read in the Chronicle quoted feminist academics as saying that the profession of engineering, for example, will be improved by having more women engineers. Are the ranks of engineering closed to women? That’s the impression given. Or do few women really want to be engineers? God forbid anyone would suggest such a reason! But my question is this: Why do we never read an article where academics, men or women, argue that disciplines and professions traditionally populated by women should be opened to men because they will be improved by having more men in them? I have never heard anyone makes such a case. Why? The disciplines and professions of nursing, social work, teaching and interior decorating are dominated by women. Is that because their ranks are closed to men or because few men really want to enter those professions? Would those professions be improved by having more men in them? Who is asking such questions—in academic circles? Nobody that I know of.

This illustrates what “men are obsolete” means—at least “on the ground” in academics. It means men have nothing to contribute to the world as men while women do have much to contribute to every corner of society as women. In other words, masculinity is dead; long live femininity! (Here, of course, I’m not using “femininity” in the Victorian sense but in the sense of typically female traits.) The irony is, of course, that when the military needs recruits they advertise heavily for women. But academics, by and large, are not part of that effort because they tend to view the military and aggression in general as bad.

Now you may be one of those who thinks that academics have no real influence “in the real world.” But you would be wrong. They do. They lead professional societies and university departments and have great influence in, for example, accrediting associations. For years educational accrediting associations have been pushing, if not requiring, schools at all levels to work for women’s rights and inclusion and equality (which I support). But sometimes, and I think too often, some proposals and practices that result are detrimental to boys. Not enough people are noticing that and speaking up about it. Some are, but the movers and shakers of American education are not.

Again, someone will accuse me of “feeling threatened” by the rise of girls and women. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have two daughters and a granddaughter and I am delighted whenever barriers fall that would keep them from doing whatever they want to do. And, at my stage of life and profession, I could not be “threatened” by the rise of women. My concern arises out of an interest in justice. Justice is for boys and young men as well as for girls and young women. And yet our society has not even begun to make the necessary course corrections to do justice to boys and young men. Girls and young women are succeeding at all levels of education while boys and young men are falling behind. There are numerous programs aimed at helping girls and young women and very few aimed at helping boys and young men.

To say that men are obsolete doesn’t hurt me personally or professionally. I’m beyond that. But it hurts my sense of justice—for boys and young men who increasingly don’t know where they belong or fit in society. Many see the social favoritism shown to girls—especially in education and in many businesses—and choose to drop out rather than hide or drop their masculinity.

So what would I like to see? More efforts by educational associations and government entities to recruit men to be teachers. More efforts to help boys and young men succeed in school. Programs developed specifically for boys and young men in schools (there are many for girls and young women). Public messages that indicate that being male is not a sin; it’s okay to be a boy and a man. “Men’s studies” courses and programs in universities and colleges that don’t just cater to gays. Public policies and programs by non-profit organizations to help men live long, healthy lives. Cessation of all punishment of boys in schools just for being boys. (See “The Emasculation of Boys” by Tim Wright at his Patheos blog “Searching for Tom Sawyer” [December 15].) Portrayals of positive masculinity in entertainment. (For those of you who want an example of what I want more of—see the movie “The Way Way Back” in which a troubled fatherless adolescent is mentored by an adult male who is kind and also very masculine.)

This post was written by Roger E Olson. For the original post, go to: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/rogereolson/2014/01/are-men-obsolete-are-boys-in-danger-more-on-the-decline-of-men-and-the-boy-crisis/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Hunting for your heart

7/12/2013

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What if ? What if those deep desires in our hearts are telling us the truth, revealing to us the life we were meant to live? God gave us eyes so that we might see; he gave us ears that we might hear; he gave us wills that we might choose; and he gave us hearts that we might live. The way we handle the heart is everything. A man must know he is powerful; he must know he has what it takes. A woman must know she is beautiful; she must know she is worth fighting for.

“But you don’t understand,” said one woman to me. “I’m living with a hollow man.” No, it’s in there. His heart is there. It may have evaded you, like a wounded animal, always out of reach, one step beyond your catching. But it’s there.

“I don’t know when I died,” said another man. “But I feel like I’m just using up oxygen.” I understand. Your heart may feel dead and gone, but it’s there. Something wild and strong and valiant, just waiting to be released.

If you are going to know who you truly are as a man, if you are going to find a life worth living, if you are going to love a woman deeply and not pass on your confusion to your children, you simply must get your heart back. You must head up into the high country of the soul, into wild and uncharted regions and track down that elusive prey.

This is an excerpt from the book, Wild at Heart by John Eldredge, page 18.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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I play with dolls

3/21/2013

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I’m a dad of two little girls and one little boy.

And when my little girls play with dolls, I play too.

Does that make me less of a man? Does that make me effeminate? Does that make me a bad example for my son?

No. Because I think the best question hasn’t been asked yet.

The better question is, “Does that make me my daughter’s hero?”

Yes— and that’s all that matters.

Now, when I’m playing dolls with my daughters and when my son comes in the room, should I let him play? That seems to be a sticky question in today’s evangelical world.

The answer of a certain segment of the Christian population is, “No.” They fear men in America are becoming less masculine. They fear men are becoming increasingly effeminate. And while I’ve never read them make such a statement, my guess is that my playing with dolls is a bad example for my son, according to them, after all, I’m the primary model of masculinity in his life.

But I couldn’t see things more different than this group of Christians. Not only do I say, “Yes” to the question of whether can my son play dolls with my daughters and me, but I invite and encourage him to do so, whether I’m present or not.

The roles a child embodies at play reveal and create the roles they come to value as an adult. Play helps them accept themselves and others as God created us, and therefore is essential to a child’s social and psychological development. For that reason, I intentionally participate in my children’s play, and I invite them to play in a way that fosters the kind of adulthood I want to see grow in them.

I invite my son to play with dolls because I want him to learn from an early age that holding babies is not just for women, that it’s okay for a man to be tender, that “women’s work” isn’t beneath him, changing diapers is part and parcel of masculinity, and that being a great dad means getting on the floor and playing dolls with your kids.

I want my son to see that true masculinity is not defined by the machismo, culturally conditioned views of certain Christians, but is defined in the incarnation of Jesus, who humbled Himself, took on the role of a servant, and disregarded certain strict social boundaries in order to proclaim a God who, like a tender mother hen, desires to gather His children into His presence and love on them.

At some point, the evangelical world needs to see that, if our fears of our sons becoming less manly, or more effeminate stop us from playing dolls on the ground with our children, then our actions are less motivated by the gospel and more motivated by fear generated in our polemical culture.

And that’s a shame because the only ones who will pay the price for it are our kids—both our sons and our daughters.

I’m a dad. And I play with dolls. And that’s why my kids believe I’m a hero. And that’s why my son’s kids will see that he’s a hero, too.

This post was written by Seedbed author, Thomas Fuerst. For the original post, go to: http://seedbed.com/feed/why-i-play-with-dolls-a-dads-take/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Porn at work

3/19/2013

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A common problem that men have is how to handle it when a coworker has pornography at work. This is a very touchy issue.

What do you do when men are gathered around on the work site looking at pictures of naked women?

If a guy doesn't participate, he is "hen-pecked" or "gay" or.... The name calling starts and the accusations fly if a guy isn't "one of the guys." He's not a "team player." What's a man to do in these situations? After all, he has a reputation to protect.

Reputation is the key word in this story. Reputation is the answer. Jesus took His reputation and laid it all on the line for us so that we could have strength in times like this. Jesus could have been satisfied to leave things the way they were and stayed in heaven. However, He put aside His reputation, His Deity, to become like us. He risked, knowing that His Father would take care of His reputation.

Like yesterday's post, honesty is needed. Asking God for strength to be vulnerable and transparent is how you handle porn at work. Have the gumption to step up and tell your coworkers why looking at porn is not healthy. Let them know that there is much more to a woman than just what she does to make a man feel sexual.

You know what will happen if you take this step? Like Jesus, you may be crucified. I don't mean that these guys will string you up and kill you but they will belittle you. They will tell you that you are not a real man. They will tease you because they want you to participate in their sinfulness.

You know what else will happen? There will always be at least one guy who agrees with you. He may not publicly, but he will at least come to you privately or at least not join in when the teasing starts.

If you stick to your integrity and respect women, you will make a statement. You will only have to say it once. Your statement will have an impact. If you never participate with them in objectifying women from that point on, God's Holy Spirit will work on these men. They will watch you. So, if you have integrity in everything you do at work, they will see it and they will change.

Your reputation? Don't worry about it. God will protect your reputation if you are doing what He wants. A real man respects and honors women. A real man stands up for what is right, even if it means standing alone.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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89-years-young

2/28/2013

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This is a landmark day. This is the day that the first pope to resign in over 600 years occurs. He officially resigns tonite (Vatican time). By my standards, the Pope is a young man. He is only 85-years-old. The Pope has decided he wants to live the rest of his life only reading and praying. He is quoted as saying, "...I can continue to serve it (the church) with the same dedication and the same love which I have tried to do so until now, but in a way more suitable to my age and to my strength." I'm glad that the Pope has defined what is suitable for someone his age. However, my dad must not have heard that idea of what is "suitable" for his age.

Today, my Father turns the young age of 89. Actually, he turns 89 tomorrow. No, it's today. Truth be told, my Dad doesn't have a birthday this year as he was born in a leap year. He has only had 22 birthdays. And he acts like it. If you look at the picture above, you will see a screen shot from a conversation that I was having with him during "face time" on his iPad. That's right. You read that correctly. He's 89 and he's using "face time." In fact, he and my mom taught me how to use "face time." I was a little computer phobic when it came to this form of communication. However, I have found that our conversations go better (even though the internet can be wonky at times) because he can read my lips. I just wish "face time" had a typed chat feature so that I could type in some words that are unclear because I have a tendency to speak quickly.

Why is he a young 89-year-young? He regularly does puzzles, reads the newspaper daily, keeps up on his investments, tracks how well his invention is doing, follows his sports teams, checks out information on the internet, as well as praying and reading God's Word. In fact, he told me, "I've always enjoyed working but now that I'm retired, I work harder than I ever have and I'm enjoying it more because I'm doing more of what I want to do." He plants and tends his garden, harvests pecans, goes fishing when he wants and finally bought mom a wedding ring after 65+ years of marriage (he is so romantic...).

He's also written a memoir of his life as a pastor. Here's the first entry:

As a student pastor in a country church we had a number of young couples as a part of the congregation, many of them had no church relationship in the past. The young men requested from the church board the privilege of repainting the church sanctuary. So in the evenings and on Saturday, we had painting times. I was working with one of the young men painting in the platform area. He mentioned that he would paint in the area around the bull pit. When I asked him what he was talking about, he pointed to the pulpit and said, "that is what you call it, isn't it?" In thinking about it afterwards, I thought perhaps he wasn't too far off, at least in his own mind. Though he made the statement in ignorance, it is a reminder that the pastor needs to take his responsibility seriously when he is proclaiming the Word from the pulpit. He needs to make sure that it is the Word of God and not just bull from the pit.

What I like about my Dad's lessons is that he can make common, ordinary circumstances into an insight about God, The Bible and/or Holiness. So, at 89-years-young, he's still going strong and not acting suitably. I hope he never does act his age.

Happy Birthday, Dad!
I love you.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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The Tournament Male

2/15/2013

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Men have within them this desire to always be looking for more.  That could be one of the definitions of a TOURNAMENT MALE. Men have unusual abilities.   For example, a room can be full of men, yet some will attempt to monopolize the only woman in the room.

Men will be talking, many of them with their backs to the door. A woman will enter the room and the men with their backs to the door will know, I don’t know how we know, but we know when a woman has entered the room. Maybe we pick up on the observations of the other men that saw her first. I don’t know how, but we men have this ability.

A few moments after the woman enters, men will do one and/or two things:
1) they will check her out, comparing her to their own wife or girlfriend, or if single, compare her with old girlfriends, and/or 2) they will approach her and start talking to her.

There will ALWAYS be more than one man who chooses option #2. Hence, the tournament is on…

Let me share with you my experience with being a TOURNAMENT MALE.

Before having been married for 10 years, we moved to Ecuador to counsel missionaries. I was excited being on the mission field with a young wife and two sons.

My office was in an English-speaking church in Quito. On one occasion, we had a group of about six high school girls visit us from America and the Pastor and I took them to the hospital in Shell Mera. We stopped at one very picturesque part of the Amazon Jungle where there was this waterfall that fed into the Amazon River. The Pastor and the most attractive girl took off down the trail (she had been sitting in the front with him and they had been carrying on quite a conversation) and I waited back at the van and walked the remaining girls down the trail. All the way down the trail, I was brooding. I was thinking to myself, “why does he get to take off all alone with the prettiest girl and I’m stuck with these five?”

I was jealous and I was not very cordial on this trip after jealousy set in.

Sometime on the trip, I don’t know if it was at the hospital or on the trip back, I realized how stupid and selfish I was. A thought hit me, “You are such a lucky man. You have a wonderful, beautiful wife and two marvelous sons. Why in the world do you care about being alone with a high school girl?” Part of the answer was I was in a competition with the Pastor. Because he was with the prettiest girl, he was more of a man than I was (or so my ego wanted me to believe).

The TOURNAMENT MALE syndrome works that way. My ego was more important to me than anything. I got jealous.

When I got back to our apartment in Quito, after the boys were in bed, I told Karyn about this experience. I told her how I felt and what I discovered about myself. Karyn said, “yes, I’ve seen that about you and have been praying that God would talk to you about that.”

That just blew me away. My wonderful, patient, loving wife chose to let God speak to me about my TOURNAMENT MALE syndrome in His timing rather than confront me directly in her timing.

I tell you this story, passing on what I learned, hoping it will help you:

-       It’s important to have someone in your life who is willing to pray for you

-       It’s important to be honest with yourself, God and someone who loves you

-       It’s important to listen to God’s Holy Spirit. He will lovingly confront you about things that need to change in your life.

Let God empower you to keep your ego in check.

Are you a TOURNAMENT MALE? Every man is. So, ask God to take you out of the tourney and put you into His hands where you can do what He wants and not be ruled by your jealousy and ego.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

My thanks to Dr Don Joy for this concept of the Tournament Male

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Taking responsibility

12/21/2012

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“My car ran out of gas and it stranded me on the highway for a while.” “The store at the mall declined my credit card because it was maxed out.” “I didn’t get my coffee today”.

Have you ever heard phrases like these? Have you ever been the one to say them?

In our culture, I hear phrases like these every day. Sometimes, I hear them on TV, sometimes in the midst of counseling sessions, and more often online. The attitude behind these statements reflects a reason for the deterioration of the world around us.

It is a victim mentality that convinces us that everything that is bad in this world is a personal attack.

As a result of this idea, we fail to take responsibility for our own actions. If your car ran out of gas, it may be because you didn’t fill it (sometimes it is a money issue). If you are on a shopping spree for things you don’t need, and your credit card declines…then maybe one of the culprits could be your spending habits.

Also, yes, you are still responsible for your behavior if you did not get your coffee…go to bed earlier if possible! Granted, there are times when we can’t help or prevent what happens to us, but true character is displayed when we respond to these adversities in a noble manner.

Now before I start getting hate mail accusing me of being judgmental, it is important to note that I have fallen victim of a victim mentality many times in my life. I was convinced that the bad I was experiencing was happening to me and I never questioned whether I was contributing.

If we never take responsibility for what we have caused, what we have done, or who we have hurt, then our spiritual growth will be stunted. We will never see the need for redemption and will continue to believe that the world is out to make our lives miserable. This is no way to live.

Examine yourself.
Take steps to grow.

This post was written by Rev DeCrastos. For the original post, go to: http://other-words.net/2012/12/05/oops-did-i-just-say-that/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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He's still teaching me

7/10/2012

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I was fortunate to spend some alone time with my parents for a couple of days before our most recent family reunion started. Even though my Dad is hard of hearing, and is difficult to communicate with, at 89 years of age, he is still teaching me about life.

While driving together, he told me about the financial decisions that he had recently made and how thru his acumen, he has been able to also sell and buy a few vehicles for a profit. One car he sold because he was sideswiped by a semi-truck. In the middle of the conversation, he said, "God is really good to us. We could have been killed by that truck. If I had been a second slower we might not be here. Also, by being sensitive to God's leading in the selling and buying of the vehicles, everyone got a fair deal."

The next morning, we were trimming the pecan tree that was in the back. He had been waiting for me to visit so that he could get this job done. The tree had overgrown the house and was hanging into the neighbor's yard. We worked steadily for a couple of hours, hardly talking to each other. Yet, there is something about a father and a son working together that builds upon intimacy. We paused a couple of times to sit down and drink some water together (it was in 90 degree sunny weather). We didn't talk about much, mostly the tree and how the squirrels steal the pecans and how he got a new BB gun so that he could scare them away.

The third thing he taught me was that his love for God is still alive and vibrant after all these years. I love to hear my Dad pray. He doesn't use a lot of flowery words or Elizabethan English. He usually doesn't pray very long (however, I have been privy to some of the times when I heard him and my Mom pray for extended periods of time). Yet, almost every prayer recognizes God's authority, our dependence on Him and a sincere thankfulness for God's provision.

So, you may be reading this and think, "wow, I haven't told my Dad recently about how much I appreciate his influence in my life."

If that is you, let him know.

Or you may be thinking, "I wish my Dad was like that."

If that is you, rise to the challenge and be that kind of Dad for your kids.

If you don't have kids, find a single mother of a young boy in your church and invest your life into his spiritual, emotional, physical growth.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

5 Comments

Fishing for answers

7/7/2012

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Jesus said to them, "Cast the net on the right-side of the boat and you will find a catch."

Fishermen since the beginning of time have been asking for help and advice about how to catch more fish. Jesus told Peter where to cast his net to get more fish. Today, some make a living telling others how to become better fishermen. I know people who have driven hundreds of miles to listen to a top tournament fishing pro give a seminar. Many fisherman do this just to be successful on the water.

God is the ultimate expert, and He is ready and willing to answer our questions and to come to our aid. All we need to do is ask. But, somehow -- out of "macho-ness," lack of faith, or whatever -- we'll not come to God and ask until it's the last resort. If we'll get God involved in today' problems and concerns right now, we'll likely not need to use God as the last resort tomorrow.

This post is taken from the book Catch of the Day

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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With whom do you gather?

Are Men Obsolete? Are Boys in Danger? More on the “Decline of Men” and the “Boy Crisis”

Hunting for your heart

I play with dolls

Porn at work

89-years-young

The Tournament Male

Taking responsibility

He's still teaching me

Fishing for answers

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