I recently picked up a copy of Premarital Sex in America by Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker and was pleasantly surprised at some of the insights. While I have been writing, teaching, and speaking for years to both teens and adults on the issue of premarital sex, this book opened my eyes to some of the more important trends emerging today.

This blog is adapted from the last chapter in the book entitled, “The Power of Stories and Ten Myths about Sex in Emerging Adulthood.” The empirical data suggests that these are true most of the time. There are exceptions, of course.

MYTH 1: Long-term relationships are a thing of the past

Many emerging adults (ages 18-23) tend to hold two views in tension—that sexual experimentation is valuable and yet one should not cheat on a monogamous partner. Indeed, many consider it stupid and unhealthy not to be sexually active in various relational settings. And yet most desire a lasting exclusive relationship. According to the research of Regnerus and Uecker, at least 50 percent of marriages last a lifetime, despite what most emerging adults tend to think.

MYTH 2: Sex is necessary to maintain a struggling relationship

The reality is that most relationships fail and the sooner one introduces sex into the relationship the greater chance it will fail.

MYTH 3: The sexual double standard between men and women is wrong and should be resisted

The authors of Premarital Sex in America argue that there are genuine differences in how men and women approach and experience sex that are deeply engrained. They conclude, “Unfortunately, many well-meaning adults and educators want so badly to dismantle the double standard that they work to normalize any and all consensual sexual relationships, rather than considering whether common experiences of sexual regret are in fact telling us something” (244).

MYTH 4: Boys are sexual beings and cannot be expected to follow sexual norms

This myth is both false and harmful. Young men can make wise sexual decisions if they are taught how to and the standard is set high.

MYTH 5: You are entirely in charge of your own sexuality; others’ decisions don’t matter

Despite the individualistic mindset that dominates how emerging adults think about sexuality our choices are deeply influenced by other people’s sexual decisions. The choices of other people affect us financially, emotionally, relationally, and in terms of our expectations of sexual behavior.

MYTH 6: Porn will not affect your relationships

I have written on this elsewhere, so I won’t go into detail. The reality is that porn use has a significant negative impact on relationships.

MYTH 7: Others are having more sex than you

Most emerging adults significantly overestimate how much sex is really going on around them. Most think that other people are having more sex than they actually are. As a result, emerging adults act on this false perception rather than reality.

MYTH 8: Sex doesn’t need to mean much

In reality sex is a very significant matter. There is nothing humans do that involves more of our minds, hearts, emotions, memories, self-image, and bodies. Sexual decisions stay with us for a lifetime.

MYTH 9: Marriage can wait for later

Despite common perceptions, the majority of emerging adults want to get married. But most want to wait awhile before doing so. The reality is that this is easier said than done. Life plans don’t always progress as young people envision.

MYTH 10: Living together is a positive step towards marriage

Between 50 and 70 percent of couples cohabit today. But only about 1 in 5 such relationships result in marriage. And the results are consistently pessimistic for those cohabiters who do marry (202).

I would highly recommend Premarital Sex in America for those who work with either emerging adults or younger students. It provides a deeply researched and balanced insight into the sexual lives of 18-23 year-olds.

This post was written by Sean McDowell.  You can find the original post here:  
http://www.conversantlife.com/relationships/ten-myths-about-premarital-sex

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

We love because He first loved us.

This picture is of my pastor and his son on vacation.   I'm grateful to have a pastor who preaches God's Word with conviction and honesty.  His messages of holiness are right on target.  

This picture reminds me of events I did with my own children.  One of the greatest things of being a father is having the opportunity to provide for your children.  Another is to watch them enjoy what you provide.  And another is watching them discover things/ideas/events for the first time.  

I will always cherish the times when, we as a family, took trips together.  We have taken trips outside the United States and countless trips around the United States.  It was terrific experiencing different cultures, people and places together.  

We were fortunate enough to be able to home school our boys and watch them learn.  It was great to see the light come on and observe them understanding concepts that were new for them.    

I cried with joy at the birth of my sons.

I enjoyed holding them and watching them sleep.  

I love being a father.

There were also times of disappointment and sadness that are a natural part of living in a fallen world.  

Why this post?

Children teach us so much about our relationship with God.  Karyn and I loved each other so much that we wanted to share that love with someone, so having children is a natural outgrowth of our love for each other.

That's why God created us.  He is in perfect union within Himself and wanted to invite us into this union.  He wanted to share His love with us.

God rejoices when we are born and again when we are reborn.

God, the Perfect Father, enjoys watching us discover things.  He likes watching us enjoy what He has provided.   He enjoys teaching us and watching us learn.  He enjoys watching us while we sleep.  

God takes delight in us.

These things that God does for me didn't have as much meaning until I became a father.  Then, God took on another whole dimension.  Having children expanded my love for and  appreciation and understanding of God.

I think that was God's intention.  I think that was why He created family.   Being a child and being a parent offer a greater understanding of our Heavenly Father.  

He also created family to take in those who don't have family into our families and into God's kingdom. Let's not forget those who are orphaned/abandoned/widowed/feel left out.

God loves us.
God wants us to love.
God wants us to love Him.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we took a quiz on sex for men.  Today, we will explore the answers:

1.  Somewhat true.  Regardless of what some say, many men say they felt forced into unwanted sex to either prove themselves or comply with peer pressure.
2.  True.  Data suggests that "very religious" men are more vulnerable to sexual sin than "religious men."
3.  True.  High cholesterol can inhibit full erections.
4.  False.  Men do not experience menopause.  Hormones decline gradually but the majority of men remain sexually interested until they die.  However, frequency of sexual behavior does decline.
5.  False.  At first, when married, men decrease the frequency of their masturbation.  However, the behavior of masturbating to pornography that was learned in adolescence is often difficult to break.
6.  True.  Men in American culture are obsessed with giving and receiving oral sex.  However, many women find this type of sexual activity quite repugnant.
7.  False.  When men get married, lust does not subside.  Men must learn to redirect their arousal back to their spouse.
8.  True.  A sexually repressed upbringing creates excessive guilt around sexual feelings and may set up an obsessive need for masturbation.
9.  D.  Most men think about sex several times a day, often several times within the same hour. This does not change as a man grows older.
10.  D.  70% of men complain that they don't get enough sex compared with 58 % of women.
11.  B.  The average American male has his first sexual encounter at age 16.  However, as the age of puberty continues to drop, there are reports that many males have their first experience at age 11 or younger.
12.  D.  Most males have their sexual beliefs shaped by pornography.  Exposure begins before age 13.  Pornography distorts a man's view of how women feel about sex and what can be reasonably expected from sex and sets them up for disappointment.  Real women cannot possibly measure up to the air-brushed, color-enhanced, glossy photography that pornography teaches men is the standard.

Adapted from The Sexual Man:  Masculinity without guilt

Men have many concerns.  One  of every man's concerns is wondering if he is normal, especially in regard to his sex life.

Ponder your answer to these questions, and tomorrow, we will discuss the answers:

The first eight questions are answered "TRUE" or "FALSE"

1.  More men that women have experienced unwanted sexual intercourse.
2.  More "very religious" men cheat on their wives than religious men.
3.  Just as fat in the bloodstream can block arteries in the heart, so it starts to block blood flow in the penis preventing adequate erection.
4.  Men also experience a male menopause.
5.  After marriage, most men stop masturbating.
6.  According to most sex counselors, what most men complain about is not getting enough oral sex.
7.  Getting married remedies all the problems men have with lust.
8.  Boys who were sexually repressed while growing up are more likely to become obsessed with masturbation and pornography when they are grown up.

Choose which answer you believe is most correct for the remaining four:
9.  How often does the healthy, average male think about sex?
       a) once a month,           b) once a week,       c) once a day,       d) once an hour
10.  How many men complain that they don't get enough sex?
       a) 20%,                              b) 35%,                      c) 50%,                    d) 70%
11.  The average age at which the American male first has sex is:
       a) 14,                                   b) 16,                          c) 18,                        d) 20
12.  From where does the average young male learn about sex:
       a) parents & siblings,   b) friends,                c) books,                d) pornography


Adapted from The Sexual Man:  Masculinity without guilt