1. Sex was created for marriage. We shouldn’t paint a picture of sex as naughty, dirty, nasty, and shameful to our kids. What we should be teaching our kids (in age appropriate ways, of course) is that God created sex, and that sex is amazing, beautiful, intimate, passionate, and of course fun…and best experienced in the context of marriage. (See Genesis 2:23–25.) 

2. We have a deep, passionate love for Jesus. “The Sex Talk” can quickly turn into a list of don’ts! But what we need to be teaching our kids is the whys. If we do our job properly, our kids should want to abstain, based out of their deep, abiding, passionate love for Jesus. The Bible is full of don’t verses (Acts 15:29, Romans 1:29, 1 Corinthians 6:13–18). While certainly it’s critical that we teach our kids the truth of God’s Word, we also need to convince them to obey His Word out of love, devotion, and passion for Him. 

3. Sex before marriage is robbery. When we choose to follow Christ, the reality is that we are God’s sons and daughters. And when we have sex outside of marriage, we’re stealing the virginity and purity of others who belong to God. Those things are His, a precious treasure that He has reserved only for the future spouse of that person. I know this is a bold statement, but we must honor God’s kids! We must value them, treating them with gentleness, love, kindness, and care. We need to treat them as precious and holy! Because that’s what they are in His eyes. 

This post was taken from the booklet Sex, Lust and XXX:  Fighting for your kids' purity in a sex saturated world. 

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

“See? Told ya. Only one way to kill a werewolf.”  – Rudy from The Monster Squad

I was five when I saw my first PG-13 movie.  For some reason the older kid in the neighborhood out of his own good graces invited my juvenile self and a buddy over to watch The Monster Squad.  It’s a super dated teen monster movie from the 80’s.  A surprising fact, it never won an Oscar.  I know, I couldn’t believe it either.  Anyway, onto the plot:  A band of buddies find themselves battling a horde of monsters with Dracula as the ringleader in order to save the world…kinda like Goonies but with mummies and vampires.  The genius of the film (if I can use such a phrase) is in the scenes where the kids are determining what weapons are appropriate for which monster.  They spend time arguing about the necessary accoutrements for killing a vampire and so on.  On one occasion, a kid named Rudy proves himself right by successfully taking out the werewolf with a silver bullet and then exclaiming, “See? Told ya. Only one way to kill a werewolf.”  Now, how in the world am I planning a segue from a terrible 80’s B-movie to porn?  Well, for those who didn’t know, this blog is a very belated ‘part 2’ of my previous blog, “All In the Family:  Lust and Her Ugly Cousins”.  In that post I sought to resource you with practical ways to experience freedom from lust’s stronghold.  But practicum does us no good if we don’t know the type of monster we’re dealing with.  You can’t really talk garlic and crucifixes until you’ve decided it’s a vampire and not a werewolf in your living room (trying to stay relevant for all my Twilight readers J).  So I want to talk ‘big picture’ in this blog.  What’s really at the heart of our battle with lust?  Just what sort of monster are we dealing with here?

For a while I thought about sin, and in particular my porn addiction, as a violation of God’s law, the 10 Commandments.  I was committing various crimes against God’s standard and thereby indicted myself before a holy God.  My sin, my monster was primarily an activity-based issue.  Of course, the point of this blog is not to deny that.  The Bible is profoundly clear that our sins are activities of the mind and body against God’s perfect standard, His Law.  But I believe there to be an even more profound lens through which we can understand the monster of sin and in this case, lust:  Sin is not just a violation of Law, it is a violation of appetite.

The Old Testament is one giant train wreck of sin.  We get two good chapters and then the earth goes to pot.  I don’t just mean Adam and Eve.  I don’t just mean those pagan nations that all end in the suffix –ite, either.  I mean the nation for which God selected for Himself, Israel.  It took about 34 seconds after God led them out of slavery in Egypt for them to start grumbling against Moses and God because they were hungry.  Then you arrive at the 10 Commandments scene.  Moses comes down from the mountain, having been with God for 40 days receiving His Law to find the nation having a giant orgy and worshipping a bunch of earrings they melted down to look like a cow.  Fast forward to the years of the Kings.  These kings are charged with leading the people of God into obedience of God’s statutes.  They were to be models to the people of grace and servant-hood.  Instead, they were some of the biggest criminals of all:  erecting statues to false gods, practicing unspeakable sexual immorality, some kings even sacrificed their own children to idols by burning them alive.  Greed, murder, deception, idolatry, adultery, theft and pride riddled this people.  And then, we arrive at the Prophets, where God spells out His indictment against this vile nation.  Jeremiah, the weeping Prophet, doesn’t get two chapters into his book before he lays before the people what God believes to be their crimes.  I was shocked by what I read.  I expected a laundry list and what I got instead was two charges.

“My people have committed two evils:
they have forsaken me,
the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves,
broken cisterns that can hold no water.”  (Jeremiah 2:13)

Wow.  All the things God could have said, and He chose instead to boil their crimes down to two things:  They forsook God, the fountain of Living water.  And They tried to drink from wells that could not satisfy them.

Maybe we’ve struggled so long under lust without experiencing real freedom because we didn’t understand what type of monster it was.  We thought we could beat it with silver bullets but we didn’t realize we were battling Dracula, not the Wolfman.  We’ve attacked lust by trying to choke it out with willpower, self-denial and the like, but we haven’t considered that maybe the solution is found in quenching our thirst in Jesus, the fountain of living water.  Our monster is one of appetite, and to beat it we must satisfy our appetites in the person of Christ.  This is the solution.  This is the only solution.  Our wooden stake in the heart of sin.

Jesus once said to a crowd of people “I am the bread of life;  He who comes to me will never hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.” (John 6:35)  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Jesus is telling the truth.  He really can satisfy us in such a profound way that our hunger for sin will wilt away.  There is a way to not hunger and thirst for lustful images by feasting on the Satisfier, Jesus.  Take Him at His word.  Sit with Him daily.  Read the Scriptures and allow Him to leap off the pages at you.  Speak to Him.  Listen to Him.  Invite Him to fill your soul with water that quenches and bread that fills.  Maybe for the first time in your life, you won’t need to fear your monster anymore.

This is a reprint from a blog post written by Christian song writer and performer, Jimmy Needham.  For the original post go to:  http://www.jimmyneedham.com/2012/07/what-monster-movies-and-porn-have-in-common/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Sadly, many men would take the last one. But porn warps a man’s character, with devastating results:

He cares only about himself.  He is full of pride. Many of his problems stem from this root issue.

Masturbating to porn trains a man to climax quickly. If/when sex with his wife occurs, he’s a short story… if that. 

His perception of sex and reality are totally warped. He would rather masturbate to a picture of naked women who cannot comfort him, wants nothing to do with him, and who probably hated being in a porn movie/picture shoot, than enjoy an exhilarating, satisfying ride to the top with his God-given spouse.

As time progresses and he indulges in porn more often, having sex with his wife becomes emotionally strained. It’s hard to be intimate with your wife when you know you’re committing porn-adultery against her.  Shame is an intimacy killer.

Compare all of this to marital sex:

Whereas porn is a one-dimensional, shallow act of selfishness, marital sex is a multi-faceted diamond that involves physical and emotional intimacy, the fun of discovering what pleases each other, and the joy of reaching the peak together.  Sex with the spouse is far more enjoyable than anything porn offers.

Marital sex spouse has a bonding effect. I always feel that my wife and I have strengthened our union afterwards.

The communication that takes place during sex enhances the bonding process. Expressions of love and other intimate conversation take a husband and wife to places porn can’t come close to. I can’t imagine a guy talking to himself and telling himself he loves himself while he’s masturbating to porn.

Marital sex is a gauge of how the relationship is doing. I have to treat my wife with kindness, care and respect for sex to happen (and vise-versa).  If she’s turning me down and there isn’t a physical reason, it forces me to re-examine how I’m doing with carrying out one of God’s greatest commands to me as a husband – to love my wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5).

Sex with my wife gets me focused on her.  The opposite of what porn and pride do. 

The afterglow of marital sex is warm and loving, whereas with porn there’s only emptiness, shame and remorse. 

Marital sex is satisfying. 

Porn? Never! 

Maybe you want to change but are stuck. Here are some guide posts that will help you in the journey to healing: 

Stop using all porn, no matter what it takes.  Support groups, accountability software, counseling, books, whatever. There will be no progress made until you’ve taken this step.

Set the idea of sex aside, and focus  on the relationship with your wife. Take her on a date to a place she likes. Have fun together again.  Rediscover the woman you married.

Show her you care. Listen to her fears, needs and concerns. Ask her how her day went. Ask questions and encourage her to talk about her feelings. Don’t try to fix her when she shares, especially if it’s about her weaknesses or failures.

Stop criticizing her.

Stop comparing her to the porn-images you’ve exposed yourself to. Set firm boundaries in your mind that from this day forward, the only woman you will want to want is your wife. Ask for God’s healing touch in your mind and your heart from the mental adultery you’ve committed.

Do special, out of the ordinary things for her. Get her a card, make her dinner, buy flowers. Surprising her will help spark the friendship again.

Embrace humility. If she points out a way you’re hurting her or not taking care of her and she’s right, bite your tongue, swallow your pride, and ask God to help you change. Confess to her that she’s right.

Help out around the house. She’s not your maid, but your best friend.

Pray together, every day. I can’t overemphasize this one. I’ve heard a statistic that couples who pray together daily divorce one in one thousand, while those who don’t divorce one in two. Praying together is a fantastic way to draw close to your wife, and it brings the Lord into your marriage, which is what you need for healing.

When sex does happen: 
-Don’t make it a rush to the finish line.  Take your time and get into foreplay. 
-Remember that sex is an act you’re enjoying with your best friend, not something you’re doing to “get off.”
-Open up the lines of communication. Talk to her about what you like and ask her about what she likes. Tell her you love her. 
-If you suffer with premature ejaculation, read up on techniques for prolonging sex and/or see a doctor if you need to. Tell your wife you may need a little time to re-adjust physically and emotionally.

Be patient. If you’ve spent years acting out with porn and your marriage is in a bad place, don’t expect your wife to warm up to you overnight. Keep working at it, and be determined to persevere until you’ve had a breakthrough. 

This post was written by Mike Genung.  For the original post, go to:  http://www.xxxchurch.com/men/sex-with-wife-or-3-hours-of-porn.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

We all have our hidden corners. You know, those secret and wicked sins in our life that look so attractive in the dark, so much so that we sometimes spend our whole life trying to keep them from the bright exposure of the Son. Indeed, we all have hidden corners. Some are just better at hiding them than others.

I was 9 years old when my secret began. I was a 4th grader with 6th grade friends, friends who had access to pornography and graciously let me indulge with them. They took me to a nearby park and there under the playground’s kid castle was a magazine. I imagine many reading this were my age or even younger the first time Satan got his foot in the door of their hearts using pornography. What I cannot imagine is just how much it breaks the heart of God to see little ones corrupted. From that day forward I was living with an addiction, an addiction that wouldn’t leave for many more years to come.

. . . .

The Battle had only Begun . . .It’s interesting to me that ultimately God would use this addiction to bring me into a relationship with Him years later. I came to know God at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. I had one Christian friend in school who was truly walking with Jesus, and he took me under his wing. One day I was compelled to tell Him the things I was involved in. I hadn’t ever opened up to anyone about it and it was tough to confess. But, I mustered up the courage and spilled my guts to him on the way home from school. I hadn’t cried that hard in years. I remember being shocked as he told me that he struggled with the same thing, but that the difference between me and him was that, although he struggled with lust, he was already free from it’s power over him and I wasn’t. He told me about the liberty from sin and death that Jesus brought him, and that evening, with a broken and contrite spirit, I committed my life to Christ.

I suppose I thought from that day forth, everything would be smooth sailing: no more lust, no more porn, just freedom! I was wrong, and anyone who knows God can vouch for me. The battle had only begun. I found myself struggling even more than before, and now I had the added bonus of the conviction of God every time I sinned. If you are anything like me, you have felt incredibly frustrated at yourself in view of your sin. I began to live in a constant state of guilt and shame, always imagining the scowl of my God as He looked down on me from a lofty place.

. . . .

A Vision of Jesus...There was one night in particular that was quite difficult for me. I was still in high school. My parents had gone to bed and I was alone in my room with my computer. I got off the computer, having stumbled again, and hit my knees right by my bedside. I remember crying out to God in the darkness of that room. I told him I wasn’t worthy of Him. I told Him how I just kept on sinning against Him and it seemed like total victory was nowhere in sight. I didn’t deserve Him, and I knew it. I remember wanting Him to just leave me in my sin. He was too perfect, and I was too wicked.

That’s when it happened. As clear as I can see right now, I had a vision. I saw myself kneeling by my bed, broken, hurting, and ashamed. And then, I saw the Lord Jesus, Maker of Heaven and Earth, come and kneel beside me. No words were spoken. All He did was put His hand on my back, and we knelt there in silence. I was so moved by that simple gesture of God that I wept, and wept hard. In that simple, silent vision God spoke louder to me than ever before. I sensed Him saying to my heart, “I’m near. I care. I forgive you.” In a lot of ways that was the beginning of the end of my addiction.

Recently this experience was the topic of a song I wrote called “Before And After,” which can be found on the CD Not Without Love.

From that moment on I began to walk in some very liberating principles. The first is this: “There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

When we begin to understand that this cloud of guilt over us isn’t from God but from our own misunderstanding of His character, and when we begin to understand the nature of our salvation, then we have one less inhibition that keeps us from fully walking in obedience to God. Our God is for us through Christ. We are as “saved” now as we ever will be. We are His. Let that truth sink into your bones today.

Another sweet truth I learned that gave me great victory is this: Our Father is pleased with baby steps. Could you imagine a father getting mad at his 1 year old because he was having difficulty learning to walk? The thought is absurd! Any little progress the child made, the father would rejoice with him and encourage him to go further. I believe it is the same way with God. He is our Father and we are His children. As it is with earthly children, we too start off as spiritual babies, and the progress we make in this life, though small to be sure, our Father rejoices in it. No longer do we need to fear the judgment-laden, wrathful heart of an angry God. We are children in the household of the King and He loves our progress.

. . . .

Resources for Struggling Addicts...Understanding these things along with some helpful resources, was crucial to me finally seeing victory in my life. When I entered college I redoubled my zest to beat this addiction with God’s help, and soon I was going a couple weeks without falling, then a couple more, until one day I was just done altogether with it. That was a little over 3 years ago now and I haven’t fallen back into the snare of pornography. Though the journey hasn’t been easy and I am still fighting the battle of lust every day, I am walking in victory because of the power and promises of a loving Father and the freedom provided through His Son.

For anyone who is interested, there are a couple of great resources I always recommend to help get free from pornography addiction.

• The first is a book by Joshua Harris called Sex Isn’t The Problem, Lust Is (formerly titled Not Even A Hint). I’ve bought this book for so many people, it’s almost innumerable. It’s a tremendous tool to defend against the sin of lust in a way that is biblical, grace filled and, most importantly, non-legalistic. A must-read for anyone struggling with this sin.

• Secondly, there is a website called SettingCaptivesFree.com that functions as a site devoted entirely to helping people with addictions through a biblical perspective. They have a 60 day sexual purity course called “The Way of Purity,” which helps people fight against sexual addiction, including pornography. Each person is given an online mentor who has done the course themselves and completed a mentor course. The theology is sound and the programs they have are powerful. Plus, its free.

I hope you’ve been challenged and encouraged. Liberty from lust (and its manifestations in pornography addiction) is not only possible, it is yours already for the taking in Christ.

. . . .This post is written by Christian song writer and performer Jimmy Needham.  For the complete post go to:  http://www.covenanteyes.com/2008/11/13/before-and-after-finding-freedom-from-porn-addiction/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we discussed four things that represent a real man, a Christian man.  Today, we conclude our discussion:

5.  The Christian man is free to be tender.  He no longer has to analyze everything objectively and express himself without feeling.  He is now strong enough to be gentle.  He will touch and hold and kiss his children & grandchildren as Jesus held the children of his day and loved them.  He will affirm others with words of truth and love and be generous with hugs and other physical expressions of encouragement.  He will let others affirm and love him.  He can laugh and cry with others like Jesus did.  

6.  The Christian man is free to forgive.  He will forgive others quickly and with a generous spirit as he has been forgiven by God.  A redeemed sinner, and in process himself, he can sympathize and empathize with the struggles of others.

7.  The Christian man is free to stand for righteousness.  He will influence the world by courageous speaking  the truth and acting on the truth he knows.  Once he was too insecure to stand up for what he believed, but now he is secure in Christ's love.  He has the courage to expose the fruitless behaviors of darkness and to model the fruitful lifestyle of light, love and truth.

8.  The Christian man is free to be concerned for the world around him.  No longer driven by a need to build external evidences of his worth, he can give himself and his money away.  He can work less to build his personal empire, and more to alleviate suffering, hunger and the conditions that lead to distress, disease and death.

The Christian man is free to live in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his sexuality.  Celibacy does not resolve the problem.   Hence, the question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive.  

The following formula is suggested as a guideline.  Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described using the SAFE acronym:

1.  It is a SECRET.  Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.

2.  It is ABUSIVE to self or others.  Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.

3.  It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS.  If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.  Also, if sexuality is used to avoid the pleasurable feelings of monogamy , there is trouble.

4.  It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship.  Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.  Marriage takes a lot of work.  There are ups and downs in marriage, that is part of what makes a long-term marriage satisfying.  There is a great shared history.  If the addict avoids the work of commitment, he runs a huge risk of being sexual outside of marriage.

If the SAFE acronym applies to you, I urge you to get help.  

This material is taken from the book Out of the Shadows (pg 189).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.