Category: Regret

Trippin' down memory lane

9/3/2014

I was talking to a gentleman at a bar and he made an interesting comment. "You know Sam that goes to your church? You should talk to him. He used to be one of the meanest men I've ever met." He proceeded to tell about some of Sam's antics. Some of Sam's antics were funny, some were off-color, and some were downright mean. I knew Sam came to our church but I didn't know him very well.

So, next Sunday, I found Sam after church and stopped him for a moment. I told him that I met a man earlier in the week who told me about him. I started to tell him a bit of what I heard and he interrupted me. What Sam said next startled me. He said, "Dale, I'm a Christian now. I am so ashamed of what I used to be. I was not a nice man. I cannot talk about it." Sam said this in such a manner that it was obvious that I had really hurt him. I quickly apologized to him and he excused himself.

Sam taught me an important lesson that day.

Do I take sin seriously?
Do I take my sin seriously?

On another occasion, I was having lunch with a friend who was a new Christian. In the midst of our conversation, he made this interesting comment, "As I grow in my faith, I learn how my past behavior, though forgiven, was shameful and wrong."

That's one of many reasons why I love hanging out with new Christians. They don't have all those defenses that "mature" Christians have.

My new friend taught me an important lesson that day.

Have I taken my sin seriously?
Am I truly repentant of what I have done in the past?

I'm not saying that I need to wallow in my past sinful behavior.
I'm not saying that I need to live a life full of guilt.

I just wonder if I take too many trips down memory lane, thinking about how much "fun" I used to have?

Do I feel godly sorrow for my past?
Do I feel regret for my past behavior?

These men taught me that a real man faces his past and takes responsibility for his behavior. A real man is sensitive to God's work in his life. A real man doesn't recall past sinful behavior in a positive manner. A real man is a new creation. He adamantly rejects sin.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Sunday Meditation

4/27/2014

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"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

Many of us find it very difficult to feel confident in intimate relationships. If we learned early in life that the people most important to us were unapproachable, then confidently approaching others as adults may be difficult. There are many ways to learn that approaching other people is dangerous. It can come from abuse, or criticism, or disinterest.

One result of experiences of this kind is that we find it difficult to be confident when we approach God. This is particularly true when we are feeling fragile, weak or needy. The last thing we expect is mercy and grace in our time of need. We expect to be criticized. We expect God to say 'why are you still so needy?' We expect to be abandoned. We expect God to say 'I'm busy now.' We expect to be rejected. We expect God to say 'If only you had more faith or prayed more or read the Bible more or trusted me more.' With expectations like this, it is no surprise that we lack confidence when approaching God.

But God offers us an invitation we long to hear. He invites us to approach. And, God invites us to come with confidence. God will pay attention. God will hear us. God will be interested in our well-being. God will respond with mercy, grace and help.

I don't have much confidence, Lord.
I don't trust other people very much .
I don't trust you very much.
I don't expect mercy and grace
from anybody, especially in times when I'm this needy.
I expect criticism, abandonment, and rejection.

Thank you for inviting me to come to you.
Thank you for providing good reasons to have confidence in you.
You are full of mercy and grace.

This is a time of need for me, Lord.
Give me confidence to approach you today.
I need your mercy and grace.

Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

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Can child molesters go to church?

10/16/2013

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The first generation Christians were brought out of evil. The power of Jesus radically changed these individuals. Look at the list of sins from which the first generation Christians were delivered: 1) sexual immorality, 2) idolatry, 3) adultery, 4) homosexuality, 5) greed, 6) drunkenness and 7) swindling.   I Cor 6:9-10

Did you catch that? The church treasurer who cooks the books is among the list of individuals who do things that the church vehemently speaks out against. Yet…

“…that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” I Cor 6:11

Did you also catch “that is what some of you were”? These individuals were brought out of their lifestyle and were justified.  Justified is a term that means “just as if I’d not sinned.”

So what did the early church do about individuals who committed the sexually immoral behavior of molesting children?

On this blog you will find a post written by a man who did just that and now can’t find a church that will accept him. I know another Christian man who 20+ years past his crime, paid for his crime, and has set up boundaries to not be around children, who is searching for a church that will accept him into their fellowship.

What is the church’s response to these individuals? We will accept the greedy person (“God I want you to bless me with a Cadillac”) and in fact will have opulent church potlucks where people that don’t need the rich foods pile it on. We forgive the church board member who cheats on his wife.

But what do we as a church do about individuals who committed the sexually immoral behavior of molesting children?

This is not an easy answer… There are three complicating but very important points to make before answering that question:

1.     As a church we have a responsibility to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Children are very vulnerable.

2.     Statistically, people who commit sexual crimes are rarely truly rehabilitated.

3.     People who commit sexual crimes are very good at making you think that they are rehabilitated when they really aren’t.

Knowing these three facts, as a church what should be our response to someone who is a sexual offender? Especially to those who have repented, become a sincere Christian; have turned away from their sinfulness and desire to have fellowship with other Christians? Tomorrow we will make some recommendations.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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It's time for a party!! (a short story about Grace)

6/21/2013

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It was a beautiful house. The most welcoming of houses. A stunning house. A house like no other. The house where Grace lived.

A home like this was destined to be shared, so as she often did, Grace prepared a meal. No, no, no, it wasn’t just a meal – this was a FEAST! The kind of cuisine reserved for castles, princesses, and fairytales. No expense was spared. She decked out her oversized, antique table with the finest china and the most elaborately embroidered tablecloths. The smell of exotic, culinary delicacies hung thickly in the air. It was time for a party.

Right about then, a man came struggling along the path in front of the house. He was obviously agitated. Jumpy. He talked out loud to the air with a phobic paranoia. And to make matters even stranger, behind him he dragged a large metal cage full of the ugliest black birds you have ever seen. It was attached to his waist with a massive steel chain, and he dragged it through the dirt with a strained shuffling gait. Whenever he stumbled or wobbled, the cage would shake and the birds would let out the most horrifying chorus of shrieks. The man would instinctively crumble in terror, balling himself into a fetal position, clawing at the air, as he begged in agony for them to stop.

Grace could see this awful unfolding scene from her dining room window and rushed outside to his aid.

“My friend,” she said in the most soothing of tones, “please relax, you’re not alone. I’m here to help, I have the answer. Let me cut these heavy chains and remove this hideous cage. You don’t have to drag these fears around with you anymore. Come inside, I’ve made the most splendid of meals and I want you to be my guest. I can do things for you that you could never possibly do for yourself.”

But the man shrieked all the louder. “Get away! Get away! These fears may be hideous, but they’re all I know. I’ve dragged them for more miles than you can imagine. I got them from trusting, trusting people like you! So leave me alone and let me get on with it. If there is freedom from these fears it will have to be of my own doing. And amidst the ever growing sounds of terror, he trudged into the darkness and disappeared from the warm glow of the house. The house where Grace lived.

Not more than a few moments later a new figure appeared on the path. Unlike the first, this man didn’t seem to be struggling much at all. In fact, cloaked in a massive oversized white fur coat, he actually looked to be…strutting. He paused every few steps to gaze at his reflection in the adjacent pond until he was frozen dead in his tracks by the almost mirror-like qualities of Grace’s massive dining room window. Absolutely gorgeous!

Even though the man’s ego was nearly as ugly as his coat, Grace rushed to the front door and warmly greeted this new opportunity with her usual warmth and charm. ”Hello friend! I’ve prepared a feast, will you come join me? I’ve planned a great party and I’m expecting many guests. I would love to add you to the celebration!”

“Eat with such plebes?” he replied with a smirk. “I’m sure they’re far beneath the class of a specimen like me. But I am hungry after this long walk.” And so he brashly sauntered up the stairs, brushing Grace to the side and heading straight for the front door.

“Oh, there’s just one thing,” Grace interrupted as she politely stopped his progress. “Your coat. It stays out here. In my house, all the warmth and covering you’ll ever need has already been provided for you. The only way we dine together is if we see the real you. No coats. No pretense. All that stays out here.”

“But this coat is my pride!” the man violently hissed. “If it stays outside then so do I!” And he stormed back down the front steps (with much less of a swagger this time), onto the path, and back into the woods (only pausing at a few leftover rain puddles for a quick peek at his reflection). His choice was made, and his egocentric silhouette quickly faded into the forrest near the house. The house where Grace lived.

As Grace reached for the doorknob to return to her preparations, she caught a glimpse of yet a third weary traveler struggling up the path. The woman appeared to be carrying a large sack, easily twice as big as she was, and was painfully doubled over under its incredible weight. Grace ran quickly down the front steps and up the walk to offer the poor woman her assistance.

“Dear friend, you can hardly walk! Here, give me your sack, we’ll leave it here. Come in and rest. Let me tend to you. I’m preparing a huge feast and expecting many guests. Join us! The food and drink is overflowing!”

The woman never looked up. Her voice was so soft and shaken she could barely be understood. “This bag is my shame, full of unspeakable sorrow and regret. Skeletons and memories I’ve carried so long they’ve become a permanent part of me.”

Sure enough, the sack had been on her back for so long it had quite literally attached itself to her skin!

“My dear,” Grace replied in her comforting tones, “please come inside and let me help you. I have just the tools to set you free, you only need to trust me. I’ve already done all the work to ensure you don’t have to carry a bag of shame like this anymore.”

“Thank you kind lady,” came the woman’s trembling reply. “But many have tried to help me do just that on the course of this painful journey, and to no avail. Freedom is an illusion I’m afraid. This sack of shame is who I am. If you cut it off I’ll most certainly die. Now let me on my way. I can manage this burden on my own. I’ve been doing it for quite some time now.” And so she slowly set out, following the same lonely path that fear and pride had forged just a few short moments earlier, and leaving the warm glow of the house as nothing more than a distant memory. The house where Grace lived.

The party was a smash! The house was filled with every kind of person you could possibly imagine. Princes and paupers. Businessmen and beggars. Aristocrats and commoners. They came from near and far for this feast of the ages!

No one left unchanged. Grace made sure of it. Cages and coats and large empty sacks littered the front walkway like a graveyard of self-salvation projects. And yet even as she relished in the joy of her miraculous work, Grace couldn’t help but wonder why three exhausted travelers chose to miss the celebration and continue alone. It was so unnecessary. The work had already been completed. All they had to do was come inside.

But the Good News for all weary wanderers is that the warm, inviting, transformational doors of this house always remain open. The house where Grace still lives.

This post was written by Erik Cooper. You can find the original post here: http://beyondtherisk.com/2013/06/11/the-house-where-grace-lived/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Affair fallout

6/12/2013

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Yesterday, we discussed how an affair progresses thru predictable stages. However, the consequences of such behavior are profound.

Dr. Dobson states, "the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but it still has to be mowed." Once the excitement of the early stages of the affair wear off, the new couple is forced to live real life again, life in the common place. The man and woman suddenly have to face work thru personality adjustments. They discover spiritual, emotional and physical imperfections in each other they have never noticed before. Someone has to fix the cars, cook the meals, clean the house, run errands, mow the lawn, struggle with the finances.

There is also a layer of distrust in the new relationship. "If he cheated before, he can do it again..." The trail of pain eats away at the new relationship. Kids have been hurt. A wife and a husband have been abandoned. The complex and difficult relational network is hard to manage.

Like wide-eyed children we enter into extra-marital affair. Our eyes are wide open but for some reason we are blind to many of the realities that will become devastatingly apparent later when the glitter fades. It is OK to be childlike in some of the areas of our lives. But we have to live in the real world. Yes, we desperately want for the new relationship to work, to give us pleasure, the romance, the affirmation we felt was lacking in our former marriage. But we have bought the lie, the hype, the brightly lit illusion, the propaganda that says we can gave everything we want simply by changing partners mid-stream. It is very American to seek the quick fix; we are looking for the easy road to the real thing.

It is truly a tragedy. Men and women change partners again and again chasing the illusion. Many die lonely, empty people, lacking the love that they chased all their lives.

Tomorrow, we will look at how to fight the temptation to stray...

The information from this post is taken from TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Pornography: "It's just pictures!"

4/29/2013

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Here is an anonymous confession by a reader of this blog. It is edited slightly and names are changed to protect the identity of the individuals. It is posted here with his permission.

"Dale, I have struggled over sending this to you. I don't know why I am. Maybe leading by the Holy Spirit. I'm not looking for anything out of it. If anything, maybe it will help someone else. You're blog posts on pornography have hit closer to home than you may know.

You probably know already that Mary and I are no longer married, but I don't know if you are aware of the circumstances that brought that split about. In 1995, I sexually molested my daughter. I have not voluntarily told this to anyone. In fact when asked if I have children, I have recently started telling people, "no," so I don't have to explain or make up a story about why I can't see them. I was arrested and spent several months in jail and the next four years in psychosexual counseling.

Because of my sin, I destroyed or at the very least damaged several lives. Mary was so hurt she left not only me but her faith. I have kept up a little with the kids (I have a permanent no-contact order) through MySpace and Facebook. John and Sally have graduated high school, but they both appear to be heavily into the occult. They are doing drugs and drinking. Bobby seems to have gotten on a better path (finally). I can read their wall posts, but if I were to contact them, it would be a mandatory six months in jail. So, I have watched my kids grow up online due to my actions.

All three kids have been in and out of foster care. John and Bobby have both been incarcerated. Mary has been through more than I am even aware of. I am devastated to know the damage I have done to these innocent lives. Would things have turned out differently if I was still in the picture? I don't know, but I would like to think they would. I did read on Mary's facebook page that her new boyfriend and Bobby were baptized a couple weeks ago. So, hopefully things are on a better track for her. I continually pray for them.

I have been addicted to pornography and sex since I was in my teens. I recall shoplifting pornographic magazines from the store when I was in junior high. When I was working for a city in Montana, I found a stack of porn in one of the trucks. I sat parked in that truck for several hours looking at those magazines. I had a tough time explaining to the boss where I had been with the truck. I made up a lie to cover myself.

I am reluctant to tell you what has happened to me, because I don't want to sound like I'm looking for pity. I want no sympathy from anyone. For what I did there is no pity warranted. I hate this kind of behavior in others. I am repulsed by it.

What has my crime/sin cost me...?"

"Everything! I lost my wife. I never got to see my kids grow up. I lost my ordination in the church. I lost friends and family who can no longer stand to be around me."

In the last several years I have lost jobs when employers found out about my past. I have had difficulty finding jobs, especially in the last couple years where everyone now does a background search.

I have to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life. When I move, my neighbors are informed of my crime and who I am, including a picture. I have been denied residency because of my crime. Every six months a sheriff's deputy shows up at my door to make sure I still live here. I have a felony conviction that denies me entry to other countries.

I have been asked not to attend two different churches including what I considered my home church. I attend church regularly, but now I will not fill out a visitor card for fear of being asked to leave. The church is a mega-church. 4,000+ attendance, and I don't know anyone there.

What I did was over 15 years ago, and I have lived a model life since. I haven't even had a speeding ticket since 1984. I pay all my bills on time. My faith in Christ has never dwindled. I know that without my faith, I would have ended it all years ago.

I knew I had a problem, but fear kept me from finding help. I never considered how much it would cost (myself and others). I told myself it would never happen again, but without counseling the cycle just continued.

I have always been kind of a loner. I never really fit in, so I have kept to myself. As a result, I have taken to living in isolation. I have no close friends, but I have 400+ facebook "friends." If they only knew... This is the beginning of my cycle... then depression...

How have I broken the cycle?

1.  Awareness - I was made painfully aware of my problem. I recognize that I have a propensity to porn and I avoid it.

2.  Admission of problem - I have admitted that I have a problem, and that it is a problem.

3.  Recognize cycle - In my four years of counseling, I learned to recognize that my failings came in cycles. I found that when that cycle was progressing toward sin, there were ways to avoid it, to break the cycle.

4.  Avoidance - I have used several things to prevent entering into my destructive cycle over the years. I can't say that it always works, but I have found that these help: 1) Turning off the TV or computer, 2) Prayer or read my Bible, and 3) Negative reinforcement ~ snapping a rubber band on my wrist (when I think about it)

5.  Redirection - Find something else to do. Go for a walk, fish, read, exercise. Anything healthy."

Anonymous will be reading your comments. So please let him know what you think...

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Top Seven Pastoral Regrets

4/23/2013

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I recently interviewed more than twenty pastors who had been in ministry for at least 25 years. All of these men were over 55 years old. A few of them were retired, but most of them were still active in fulltime vocational ministry.

The interview was simple. I asked one open-ended question: “What regrets do you have about the years you have served as a pastor?” Each of the men could provide as many responses as they desired. They could make the answers succinct, or they could elaborate upon them.

Three pastors had as few as two responses; one pastor had nine. Most of the pastors noted three or four regrets. As a researcher, I typically see patterns develop in this type of subjective research. When it concluded, I was able to see seven definitive patterns, and I was able to see the frequency they occurred.

Below are the top seven regrets noted in order of frequency. I received a total of 17 different responses, but only these seven occurred with any degree of repetition. After each regret, I provide a representative direct quote from one of the interviewees.

Lack of practical training for local church ministry. “I was not prepared for 80 percent of my day-to-day ministry after I graduated from seminary. I wish I had taken time to find some resources or places where I could get practical training. I had to learn in the school of hard knocks, and it was very painful at times.”
Overly concerned about critics. “I had this naïve view that a bunch of Christians in a church would always show love toward each other. Boy was I wrong! There are some mean church members out there. My regret is that I spent way too much time and emotional energy dealing with the critics. I think of the hundreds of hours I lost focusing on critics, and it grieves me to this day.”
Failure to exercise faith. “At some point in my ministry, I started playing defense and let the status quo become my way of doing church. I was fearful of taking steps of faith, and my leadership and churches suffered as a result. Not only was I too cautious in the churches I served, I was too cautious in my own ministry. I really felt God calling me to plant a church at one point, but I was just too fearful to take that step.”
Not enough time with family. “I can’t say that people didn’t warn me. One wise pastor told me I had a mistress. When he saw my anger rising, he told me that my mistress was busyness in my church, and that my family was suffering from neglect. It hurts me to say this, but one of my adult sons is still in rebellion, and I know it is a direct result of my neglect of him when he was young.”
Failure to understand basic business and finance issues. “The first time I saw my church’s budget, I thought I was looking at a foreign language. Greek is a lot easier than finance. They sure don’t teach you basic church finance and business at seminary, and I didn’t take the initiative to educate myself. I really felt stupid in so many of the discussions about the budget or other church business issues.”
Failure to share ministry. “Let me shoot straight. I had two complexes. The first was the Superman complex. I felt like if ministry was going to be done well, I had to do it. I couldn’t ask or equip someone else to do it. My second complex was the conflict avoider complex. I was so afraid that I would get criticized if I didn’t visit Aunt Susie personally when she had an outpatient procedure that I ran myself ragged. In my second church I suffered burnout and ended up resigning.”
Failure to make friends. “I know it’s cliché, but being a pastor can be lonely. I think many pastors get in trouble because we can get so lonely. I wish I had done a better job of seeking out true friends. I know if I had made the effort, there would have been a number of pastors in town that I could have befriended. Sometimes I got so busy doing ‘stuff’ that I didn’t have time to do the things that really matter.”

So what do you think of these top seven regrets? What would you add?

This post was written by Thom S Rainer. For the original post, go to: http://thomrainer.com/2012/12/19/the-top-seven-regrets-of-pastors/#.UV1mlb8Ysip

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Porn gives nothing in return

2/20/2013

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In a recent Wall Street Journal article, Alain de Botton made a surprisingly theological argument against pornography. He argued that pornography often functions like an addiction. It inflames a particular species of pleasure and, over time, can order all of life to the pursuit of this pleasure.

A brain originally designed to cope with nothing more tempting than an occasional glimpse of a tribesperson across the savannah is lost with what’s now on offer on the net at the click of a button: when confronted with offers to participate continuously in scenarios outstripping any that could be dreamt up by the diseased mind of the Marquis de Sade. There is nothing robust enough in our psychological make-up to compensate for developments in our technological capacities. We are vulnerable to what we read and see. Things don’t just wash over us. We are passionate and for the most part unreasonable creatures buffeted by destructive hormones and desires, which means that we are never far from losing sight of our real long-term ambitions.

Drawing on the thought of St. Augustine, de Botton argues that true freedom is the freedom to pursue what is necessary for the good life, a freedom that pornography and similar addictions can practically destroy. De Botton concludes by saying that we should heed religion’s (and here I think he has Christianity mostly in mind) call to limit our sexual drive, not because sex is bad but to keep sex ordered to our overall well-being.

De Botton essay is an important commentary on the reality of contemporary life. As Pamela Paul research indicates in her book Pornified:

Overuse, pornography, infidelity, and risky behaviors are among the most frequently treated Internet-related problems by mental health professionals
Over half of all spending on the Internet is estimated to be related to sex
The best estimates indicate that 77% of Americans view pornography at least once a month
75-77% of males have downloaded porn in their lives
20% of males consciously abstain from viewing pornography
70% of 18-24 year-old males visit porn site monthly
47% of women believe pornography harms relationships while 33% of men said the same
33% of all Americans believe that pornography will not harm a relationship
During a six-week experiment the statement, “marriage is an important institution,” was affirmed by 60% of men who viewed no pornography during that period, but only 39% of those exposed to heavy viewing of pornography during the same period affirmed the same statement
58% of women believe that pornography is demeaning to women while only 37% of men agree
Both men and women who were exposed to pornography were significantly less likely to want to raise a daughter than those who had not viewed pornography

A good friend of mine I think summarized the situation best, “You used to have to exert an effort to view pornography. Now you have to exert an effort to NOT view it.”

Pornography is not just addictive and ubiquitous though. It is also a story about how we should relate to people. In her article “Love your Enemy: Sex, Power, and Christian Ethics,” Karen Lebacqz describes pornography’s relationship script as follows:

Pornography would suggest that men are socialized to find both male power and female powerlessness sexually arousing. In pornography, domination of women by men is portrayed as sexy. It is the power of the man or men to make the woman do what she does not want to do—to make her do something humiliating, degrading, or antithetical to her character—that creates the sexual tension and excitement . . . . In pornography, women are raped tied up, beaten, humiliated--and are portrayed as initially resisting and ultimately enjoying their degradation. (Annual of the Society of Christian Ethics 10 (1990) 8)

The only addition I would add to this “relationship” narrative is the one Ariel Levy notes in her Female Chauvinist Pigs, women and men can switch roles, either one playing the submissive role or taking the assertive role. Either way, the pornography script makes rape not just acceptable but the norm. (I think Jana’s recent post makes a very similar point.)

Finally, it seems important to remember that pornography is also a business, with the lowest estimates making it a billion dollar a year business. It is not only taking advantage of an innate human drive, as de Botton argues, but also forming people in this perspective to generate a steady revenue stream.

Screwtape’s quip about the best way to corrupt a person seems to capture the cumulative result of the pornography industry, “An ever increasing craving for an ever dimensioning pleasure is the formula. It is certain; and it’s better style. To get the man’s soul and give him nothing in return.”

I would probably despair of this situation except for two things. First, practically, the beginning of a solution to this problem is simple: stop (or do not start) viewing pornography. If help is needed with this, there are countless effective and free filters available for routers. This one was recommended to me by two of my tech savvy friends.

Secondly, theological, God made us such that in our hearts we desire much more than what pornography offers, we desire to love and to be loved. This is the heart of the Church’s sexual teaching: that sex should always be life giving, not destructive, dominating, violent, or commercialized. This is why the metaphor Jesus frequently uses for heaven is the wedding banquet, friends and family singing, dancing, and eating in the celebration of love. Pornography cannot ultimately compete with this joy for which God made us.

This post was written by Jason King. The original post can be found at: http://catholicmoraltheology.com/porn/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Porn tubing and erectile dysfunction

2/19/2013

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In mid-2006, the world of porn underwent a transformation. The major players all introduced YOUtube-style streaming videos. Before this momentous event, you had to download the video, then open it, and risk getting a virus. Sometimes you didn't have the right software, so you spent a lot of time making sure it was what you wanted to see before downloading it and 'enjoying' it, or you would go to a specific site whose content you liked, watch the one or two new videos and leave it at that.

More recently, porn delivery evolved in the direction of video gallery sites (increasingly referred to as 'tube sites') which aggregate pages of thumbnails of streaming tube videos from different porn sites. No guesswork, no pause while downloading. You look across a matrix of thumbnails of videos with maybe 100 or so screenshots, see a picture that floats your boat and click on it.

However, porn purveyors want hits, so your click may take you to that video, or it may take you to another site that you didn't intend to visit, often another gallery site, which is giving the first site a referral kick-back. Now you've got two pages of thumbnails open. At first, you find that annoying and close one, but after things deteriorate, something on the new page catches your eye and you click on that, making a mental note to go back to the first thumbnail. ....and so on until you find yourself with 20 tabs open.

There are two parts to a physical sexual experience: the build-up of arousal, and then the sex. In "normal" porn there is usually more emphasis on story. It often conveys some intimacy and touch etc. (Even though you are not physically experiencing it, you are mentally connecting more with those thoughts.) But on a tube site a clip is often a mere 3-5 minutes long. You go straight from 0 to 100mph. Arousal isn't a slow, relaxed, teasing build-up of expectation.

Because tube clips are so short, you do a LOT more clicking to novel clips for various reasons: one is way too short to build up arousal; you don't know what will be in the clip till you watch it; endless curiosity, etc.
The variety on tube sites is limitless.

Guys all over the Web are complaining of extreme sexual performance problems and other symptoms. While the advent of Internet porn, and then the arrival of highspeed and torrent downloads of porn, increased rates of porn-related problems, many guys didn't notice severe problems until the rise of tube sites.

A professor in the University of Massachusetts Medical School, Division of Preventive and Behavioral Medicine, Sheri Pagoto PhD, writes:

Studies on appetite show that variety is strongly associated with overconsumption. You will eat more at a buffet than you will when meatloaf is the only thing on the table. In neither scenario will you leave hungry but in one you will leave regretful. In other words, [if you want to circumvent overconsumption and its problems] avoid the buffets of life.

Professor Pagoto points out that,

By frequently seeking extreme forms of sexual stimulation, the porn addict will eventually develop an inability to experience sexual pleasure from normal sexual activity; and if the habit goes long enough, an inability to experience pleasure from anything except porn. This pattern of behavior actually changes the brain’s “baseline” of what turns them on. As you can imagine, serious problems develop. First sexual problems, then relationship problems, and then work problems.

It's not that food or sexual arousal are "bad." Things go awry when an activity "become[s] necessary, a 'go to,' preferred over normal life experiences." Not surprisingly, a 2011 study (USA) found that, "Higher frequencies of [porn] use were associated with less sexual and relationship satisfaction."

"Uh-oh...where's my erection?"

Endless in-your-face variety not only promotes higher-than-usual consumption, it typically also decreases sensitivity to pleasure. One common result is decreased feelings of satisfaction; the brain wants more and more.

In the case of porn buffets, another effect men often report is loss of sexual responsiveness. Decreased response to pleasure is common in all addictions, both behavioral and chemical. As erections and orgasm depend in part on sensitivity to dopamine in a key part of the brain, it appears that a decreased sensitivity to dopamine is making some users less sexually responsive too.

But a numbed pleasure response is probably only one factor, especially for the younger guys. They appear to be wiring their sexual response to sexual cues that are so different from human sexuality that they don't respond normally to the "real deal" when a three-dimensional partner turns up.

Wrap up

As with some other technological advances, humanity has apparently outsmarted itself with the creation of tube sites. One insightful observer commented,

If people have the right to be tempted—and that’s what free will is all about—the market is going to respond by supplying as much temptation as can be sold. Market incentive continues well beyond the point where a superstimulus begins wreaking collateral damage on the consumer. —Eliezer Yudkowsky

What makes tube sites the Bermuda Triangle of porn? Judging from men's self-reports we'd say:

Using a tube site, users seek for, and consume, more novelty per session than ever. They tend to overconsume, and risk numbing their response to sexual pleasure.
Tube sites offer videos, rather than stills, so the viewer doesn't use his imagination and becomes a passive voyeur, no longer imagining himself as protagonist.
Clips are shorter than normal sex and "cut to the chase," rewiring users' sexuality to an unnaturally hasty sexual rhythm.
Hotter thumbnails/clips, endless novelty and abundant material that violates expectations constitute supernormal stimulation, and may rewire users' sexuality to pixels that goose the reward circuitry more than real mates.
Searches for the perfect clip tend to ratchet up anxiety.
Tube sites are intense brain-training--but not for real sex, as demonstrated by viewers' unreliable erections with partners.

Another piece of secular research. When will Christians stop hiding their sin?
Even the world has caught on a little bit:
Porn isn't good for you.
Porn isn't good for relationships.
Porn isn't good for society.

This blog post was adapted from an article found on the Psychology Today website:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201301/are-porn-tube-sites-causing-erectile-dysfunction

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

4 Comments

"But I'm Not Cheating!"

2/8/2013

3 Comments

He sat across the table from me, trying to convince me that his behavior wasn't hurting anybody. "I'm not having sex, I'm just having some fun!" He proceeded to tell me his story. It's one that I have heard many times. Unfortunately.

His behavior started fairly innocently. He was happily married but there were occasions that his wife would work late. During these times, on occasion, he would call a "chat line." The conversations started out innocent enough but he didn't realize that he was being fleeced. God speaks about this. He says,"with persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk."   The young lady on the other end of the phone started flirting with him and tapped into his ego. The next time he called her, she talked about how wonderful he was and how he helped her not to feel so lonely. A few calls later, the trap was sprung. He gave her his credit card number so that she would "tell him things that she knew he wanted to hear." His calls continued with greater frequency. He would get out of bed where his wife was sleeping to call this young lady. She was always available to him and would say things that his wife would never say.

He started to feel guilty and talked to the young lady about not calling her anymore. That is when she set the hook. She told him that she was a college student and that she needed the money to pay for school. She admitted that she did this with just a few men and that they "weren't doing anything wrong."

He looked at me and said, "but, I'm not cheating!!! I'm not having sex with her. We're just having a little fun . No one's getting hurt and I'm helping her pay for her education."

I cautioned him about his behavior. I explained to him what such behavior leads to. That's when he said, "funny you should say that...."    He then proceeded with this all too familiar story:

This young lady suggested that they meet. It was a town that he visited on business often. She explained that she offered private services to help men feel more masculine and perform better in bed. She explained that he would enjoy it as "most men do."

He went to the house that she and several other young women (who were working their way thru college too) used to "help men." There was never any intercourse. He was "learning how to let a woman be in charge." He found these lessons exhilarating. He paused in his story, "but, I'm not cheating!!! We aren't having sex and I really like how she makes me feel." It's as if he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.

I would love to be able to tell you that this man conquered this illicit behavior but I cannot. His life became a disaster.

One night when he was talking to this young woman on the phone, his wife happened to be listening on the extension. The next day, when he got home from work, he found his belongings on the yard, the locks changed and a court injunction prohibiting him from ever seeing his wife again. The divorce proceedings were quick and he soon found himself on the street with no home.

I haven't had any contact with him since. I don't know where he is and I don't know if he got help. I do pray for him, hoping that he has turned to God and is living a life that represents Christ well.

Why do I tell you this story? I guess you need to know that it is easy for men to rationalize their sinful behavior. Men have a tendency to compartmentalize their behavior and think that their lives cannot be affected.

God has something to say about this.  ‎"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be."

So, what is in your heart?
Are you pretending?
Ask God to give you a new heart.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

3 Comments

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Trippin' down memory lane

Sunday Meditation

Can child molesters go to church?

It's time for a party!! (a short story about Grace)

Affair fallout

Pornography: "It's just pictures!"

Top Seven Pastoral Regrets

Porn gives nothing in return

Porn tubing and erectile dysfunction

"But I'm Not Cheating!"

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