Category: Women

My husband is a porn addict

3/2/2015

As the wife of a confirmed porn addict, I can tell you that life is not easy. In my mind, I sometimes wish he was addicted to "real women"; I cannot compete with airbrushed fantasies. In the dark hours when I know what he is doing in the room down the hall, I think how I could verbally attack or expose a "real woman" for her part in my husband's infidelity, yet I have no recourse but to writhe in emotional pain as the man I love is pretending to have sex with someone he will never meet.

When he comes to my side and offers affection, I want to respond but am repulsed. My heart aches to know that I am the one he wants to hold, but knows all to well that he may not even see me for the images dancing in his mind. His arms may not even be around me, but around one of the many women he just spent the last hour with in the solitude of our marriage bed while I did dishes and helped kids with homework.

Many times I hear the promises that it is over; that he is mine alone. In graphic detail I am exposed to what his eyes have seen, the secret desires he had for those other women. He tells me about it as he promises he will get help. If only I could believe it this time.

A "real" affair would be easier for me to accept. Yet I walk each day with the feeling that I am never enough. As one woman, with one body, I can never be enough. With a heart full of shame that is not my own I beg God for His intervention. Plead that He help me keep this secret from children who love their father deeply. I ask that today is the day my husband finds freedom so that I can be free.

Even though I understand all the reasons it is not mine, as his wife this is my burden as well as his. He can claim that this is his secret hell that he cannot seem to escape, but as surely as I wear his ring on my finger and share his name, this hell is mine.

Written by Anonymous.

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What to do when you don't like the one you love

1/8/2014

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Through the adventure of making a life together, I’m thankful it is not uncommon to sometimes feel a little lost, tired or even exasperated by the path. Ten years ago, when I married, I remember thinking “That won’t be us…that doesn’t have to be us.” In my naiveté, I thought true love was a protective force that could keep us immune from common relationship struggles. I have come to realize that being an exception is not a mark of more passionate or powerful love. Love becomes powerful and passionate as we embrace the common struggles, learning to survive and wrestle through them. There is more love in the act of perseverance than avoidance. Being lucky is not the same as being loyal.

Relationships are sometimes credited as good or strong because there is the absence of hardship. However, there is a difference between living in a way that is tidy versus in a way that is steadfast. Sacrifice forges love and challenges every cheap imitation of love within us to measure up. In this way, I have found my marriage to be humbling and confrontational to my methods of self-preservation. And frankly, I have always hated that, before becoming deeply grateful for the way this sacrament has been a means of grace and growing up, too. I am learning to trust in the process of covenanting. There have been seasons of our marriage where we weren’t sure we were going to make it, days when I didn’t want to make it anymore and recovery felt hopelessly illusive. This article is written with those seasons in mind and for the couples that like us, have felt the anguish and heartache of being in it.

When you’re questioning love because you no longer like the person you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with, well, that’s a bit of an awkward place. I remember emotionally-charged thoughts running through my mind, “I can’t stand you…we are a mistake…you are the enemy of my soul.” I harbored feelings of nauseating disgust and total annoyance, met by equally endearing bitterness from my spouse. Was there a way back to love when you take offense at the mere presence or personality of your beloved? We were disillusioned, exhausted and frustrated. Attempts to work things out fell flat and seemed futile. Friends would divorce and it made us wonder what was worth saving about our dilapidated marriage. I felt as though I had become the worst version of myself.

When I would feel stuck, insecure or claustrophobic, I would start moving further away from the relationship, as if I was somehow going to find myself if I could be more on my own. Perhaps that’s what I tried to convince myself of to justify the distance. I would invest myself into the places where my presence was being praised and yielding higher returns of appreciation such as work, ministry, various hobbies and friendships. He would do the same and our lives would run merely parallel without much actual connection. It seemed to be better than outright fighting but I think we were just sinking deeper into the quicksand.

We didn’t know what to do or how to fix things. We just knew we needed something to change because we were both dying. We felt like our marriage was killing us. And that became the turning point. Our marriage was killing us, we did need a change and finally admitting that we didn’t know what to do opened us up to consider more options. That was terrifying to recognize but it also brought just enough relief from the oppression for hope to spark again, too. We let others help us make space for hard, honest dialogue about what we were each going through. The process was painful and full of mistakes. We were learning to stop fighting one another to fight for every piece of ground to regain for our marriage, most of which we had to build over again, in a new, different and healthy way. But it was new through redemption. It was still us, still our life and circumstances. First surrendered then re-shaped and reclaimed, like restoring some discarded, dysfunctional treasure becoming repurposed. We were experiencing a beginning again. It came at a price though, letting go and saying goodbye to many of the ways we had become familiar with. Here were some of the lifelines that helped us make the journey back to one another:

We had to get honest and open. We had felt on our own because despite how many couples go through this, no one really knows how to talk about it. There came a point though, when I didn’t care who found out how messed up we were. We were committed to figure out how to get better and that meant being authentic through whatever it took. That wasn’t permission to be mean, it just meant healing was going to require us to be brave and gracious.

We leaned into the relationship. When we were leaning out, it was an escape from facing issues that were upsetting, unresolved or embarrassing. We find our most true self in relationship to one another, not outside of it. I’m a seemingly wonderful person when no one is close enough to activate how selfish I can be. Intimacy leads me to work on vulnerability and sensitivity where I can discover what it takes to be truly humble, sacrificial and loving, too. Our goal wasn’t so much to get back to who we were before but to move forward into who we could be and what we could have together in our marriage.

We each did self-care. We had been relying on the other to meet too many of our own needs that we weren’t taking responsibility for ourselves. That kind of pressure wasn’t fair and only resulted in disappointment. We made more space for each of the ways we found rejuvenation. We honored what the individual needed to be healthier and our relational health improved too.

We built up our network of resources. Our resiliency progressed when we had more to draw from. We sought out couples who were more experienced, read good books to increase what we could learn, made more enjoyable memories and sought professional help. Not everything worked but our context grew and we learned from all of it.

We found ways to celebrate. We went on adventures and dates and caught ourselves laughing together again. We played. We simplified. We found an “us” we had lost. We became alive when we celebrated and so we started changing it from a rare luxury to a frequent reminder of the joy we found in being together. By holding onto these anchors, they helped us hold each other again. We saw affection and tenderness grow. These are elements more fragile and responsive than I knew. I’m challenged to cherish my spouse more. I deeply value the lessons but there is no formula. Even as I write this today, I believe there’s no guarantee we’ll make it. But I don’t put stock in a guarantee anymore anyway. We’re going to keep living out our vows, discovering the depths and challenges of what that looks like for today and tomorrow and the day after that. So, I write this for me too, with hope that I’ll return to these truths if I find myself again at the threshold of a season that no longer needs to scare me.

We all have parts of our path that we don’t like going through. You may feel lost but know that you are not gone. There is a way back, it just may require a little trailblazing. Journey well, fellow travelers.

This post was written by Seedbed blogger, Kelly Grace. For the original post, go to: http://seedbed.com/feed/journey-back-longer-like-one-love/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Jesus turned misogyny on its head

8/28/2013

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When Jesus came onto the scene he turned misogyny (hatred of women) on its head. A rabbi at that time wouldn’t speak to a woman in public, not even his own wife (this is still true for orthodox rabbis). Even today, an orthodox Jewish man is forbidden to touch or be touched by any woman who is not his wife or a close family relation. Jesus didn’t abide by those rules. During his ministry Jesus engaged with women many times. He spoke to them. He touched them. He taught them. He esteemed them. He had women minister to him physically, touching him, washing his feet, anointing him with oil and with their tears. He had women disciples traveling with him, supporting him, learning from him, and “sitting at his feet.” If we, the church, the body of Christ, had followed the example that Jesus had set instead of the traditions of men held captive to sin and the fall, we would have a much higher history here.

This post is an excerpt from the book, BECOMING MYSELF by Stasi Eldredge

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Public manners: Advice from a young mother

7/29/2013

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Being a middle-aged, white guy, I wonder what young mothers think when I try to interact with them and their children in public. So, I asked my niece what kind of things go through her mind in regard to this topic. Here is her response:

"There isn't a whole lot that I expect men to help with when I'm out in public alone with the kids. One of those reasons is because I have played the scenario a few times in my head of what I would do to try to take after someone who takes one of my kids...while I run after him while carrying my other two.

I like it when men hold the door open for the kids and I to all get inside wherever we are going...especially if I have the stroller in tote.

If a man is a real "kid" person and I've never met you, it's okay to say hi and have a very short small talk conversation with my kids, but keep it short and simple and move on. It's different if you're an employee somewhere and I can leave the store with my kids and not worry about him following..again the fear of a kid getting taken.

As for me, I already try not to make eye contact with other men. Small talk is okay if we're sitting watching our kids play at the play area or park. Make sure to tell which kids are yours, and some interaction between them proving it helps, so I know you're not there just scoping out the scene.

If my kids are throwing a fit, it's okay to say something like, "uh oh" or "that doesn't sound like a nice voice" towards the kid with a bad attitude. My kids usually straighten up when they notice a stranger watching their bad attitude. And I appreciate the attitude leaving at that point. Again, be short and simple.

If my kid is walking/running away, look for me, the mom, and go by my gestures. If I'm calm, not saying anything, and have an eye on my kid, I feel in control and I'm testing them to see how far they'll go. If I'm calling for them and looking stressed, get their attention and try to coax them back to me without touching them...i.e. holding a hand/picking them up. I had a lady pick my son up when he was heading a different direction and it totally freaked him out... she was an employee at the mall so I assumed she wouldn't take off with him, but had it been anyone else, I would have been on high alert with adrenaline pumping.

Pretty much, if you want to interact, keep things short and simple. Holding doors open are great...and elevator doors especially so the kids don't get trapped on the elevator and me not on there yet, or vice versa. I don't take the kids on an outting alone unless I know I can handle the time of day and amount of walking, etc. that we'll be doing."

I'm grateful for my niece's advice. In short, here are some things she taught me:

- Be chivalrous. Open the door and hold the door (elevator door, too) for young mothers and their children.

- Don't be alarmed when a child is not standing next to his/her mother. Watch the mother for cues and watch from a distance so that you can help if someone snatches the child.

- Say mild comments (at the most) if the child is throwing a fit. Words from someone they don't know may help him/her control him/herself.

- Keep things short and simple if you do interact. Don't try to monopolize the mother and/or her children.

If you want to follow my niece, here is her youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/godrox

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Business Manners - A Woman's Advice

7/9/2013

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On business trips, I am often in consternation how to treat women, especially on the airplane. I have offered to help women put their luggage in the overhead bin only to be rebuffed. I have seen men jump over each other to help a frail young woman put her luggage in the overhead bin and I wonder "why can't she take care of herself?" Then I ask myself, "Am I honoring and respecting that young lady by letting her struggle on her own?" So, I thought that maybe I could enlist a woman's perspective.

I asked my older sister who spends the majority of her job on the road, flying in airplanes and staying in hotels. Here is her reply to my query (edited slightly with her permission):

"As a woman who travels on business a lot, I pack so that I can handle my own luggage --- always. I do not want to be dependent on anyone else. I don't know the intentions of those around me. And I must be careful giving out personal information to those I sit with. (like where I'm staying when out of town). I almost NEVER give out my business card. Unless I have made a really good connection that seems appropriate (usually with a woman, however -- and usually a connection about spiritual things.)

Regarding helping women with luggage on a plane, I would not assume the woman can't heft it into the overhead. However, if you see her looking around for help, I think that's an invitation to offer assistance. Just simply ask if you can help (with a smile) and accept her response either way. It shouldn't be a personal affront if she declines. But if you've waited until she appears to want help, then do so. Men sometimes help me pull luggage down from the overhead -- probably to keep me from bonking them on the head! I just say thank you and let it go. In an airplane, you're in a "community" that disbands as soon as you get off the plane.

Common courtesy and being polite is the order of the day, in my opinion -- without expectation and without taking a rebuff personally.

Be VERY careful with women traveling alone at hotels, in hotel restaurants, etc. I do not welcome any attempts at conversation in these instances. I am perfectly content to eat alone, and usually take my iPad so as to have something to occupy my time as I wait for the meal. I am not rude; just not welcoming at all. So, I would advise against any contact. (unless she falls on the floor and you help her up, etc....but that's different.)"

From my sister's response, I have gleaned a few things that are appropriate for men who want to respect and honor women:

1. A woman who is traveling is careful about the people around her. Hence, to inquire into a woman's personal information is not wise. It may give the wrong impression. If a woman freely gives that information, she is either not too savvy about the dangers of doing so or is wanting to have a relationship that extends beyond the airplane trip.

2. It's OK to ask if a woman wants help with her luggage, especially if she is telegraphing that she wants assistance. If she says she doesn't want help, there is no need to take it personally and that she thinks I am a dirty old man.

3. Flying together in a plane is a temporary "community." It operates long enough to get to the destination. Outside of the plane, there should rarely be continued contact.

4. There is no need to be overly friendly to women that are traveling alone. But there is also no need to be rude. Just be observant and if she is in obvious distress, then offer assistance (again if she declines help, don't take it personally).

I hope that this advice helps to spur you into thinking what it means to be a gentleman. A gentleman thinks of others and is mannerly.

What are your thoughts? Is there anything you would add about how to treat women in a business setting?

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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On writing love letters

7/3/2013

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Men, I have been writing my wife a weekly love letter for more than a year. That’s not a sentence I would have ever expected to write about myself. I am not a man of outward sentimentality, and I very rarely make my emotions known. Most people would call me calm and hard to read.

But, men, what I learned is this: as good as it can be for me to remain solid and calm in the storms of life, my wife needs something more. My wife needs to be loved, and she wants to be romanced. I learned after a year of marriage that it wasn’t enough to just show up, and I couldn’t stop with just providing a paycheck. I needed to do more to show my wife how much I love her.

And I don’t think I am alone. I bet that your wives also want to be loved and hear from your heart. They want to know just how deeply you love them.

I am not going to push you all to start writing a weekly blog to your wife. Instead, I want to encourage you to start small. All I want you to do is this: I want you to write a short, handwritten letter to your wife today, right now. Think of one thing about her or one thing she does that makes you thankful to have married her. Write it down and give her that note. Let her know you love and appreciate her.

In case you aren’t already convinced about writing that love note, let me offer you

Five Reasons why you should be writing love notes to your wife.

1) You will fan the flames of love in your marriage.

Gary Chapman famously explained the concept of LoveLanguages, and the first language he describes in book is Words of Affirmation. For many women, they feel most loved when they are spoken to kindly, when they are praised, and when they are otherwise wooed with your words. Your wife will know she is loved when she reads that short note from you.

Go ahead and write a short love note now. Just put down two sentences about one thing you like about your wife. Now leave the note on your wife’s bedside table. Just trust me on this one.

2) The smartest man in the world gave his wife love notes.

Okay, so maybe Solomon didn’t literally write his love letters to his wife, but the book of Song of Solomon is a collection of all his words of love to his fiancée and later his wife. The dude knew how to make his wife feel loved: Song of Solomon 1:15, “Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves.”

The Bible tells us that Solomon was given special wisdom by God, and in another place it tells us that he was the wisest man to walk this earth. We can all learn from his example, and we should see in Song of Solomon that there is great joy and delight in romancing our wives with our words.

3) Your words help your wife begin to understand you.

“To wives, husbands often appear as mysterious islands”, wrote Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of "Love & Respect". We men are not always great at sharing our thoughts or our feelings, so our wives are often left in the dark wondering what’s going on behind our stony demeanor.

Your love letter to your wife will allow her to pierce that fog and see into the real you. It will provide a window into what you’re thinking and feeling, and for that your wife will be deeply grateful. So why not do it? Right now, take two minutes to write down one kind thing to your wife. Give her a glimpse into how you see her.

4) It is your responsibility to meet your wife’s needs.

God chose to give you to your wife and vice versa. He put the two of you together, and you have now become one flesh. Husbands, some of your wife’s needs are now your responsibility, and they are yours alone. Many of those are her emotional needs and it is your responsibility, your challenge to satisfy those needs. In the book “His Needs, Her Needs”, author Willard F. Harley Jr. wrote, “when one spouse’s important emotional needs are unmet, you are being unfair to that spouse, who must go through life without ethical alternatives”.

Yes, your wife can find emotional outlets in romantic comedies, daytime TV shows, or the latest romance novel; but she shouldn’t have to men. Her craving for romance is yours to satisfy. Don’t leave your wife’s needs for Hollywood to satisfy; don’t make her turn to her favorite author because she isn’t finding romance in your marriage!

5) Why not?

Finally, let me ask you this: What do you have to lose? Not time, because it won’t take you three minutes. Just put pen to paper now, or type up a quick email. Write two sentences. That’s all you need to start.
Go ahead: write your wife a love letter!

This was a featured guest post by Josh. He is a twenty-something young professional, married to a wonderful wife and saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. He works as a lawyer in the rural mountain west, and he writes weekly love letters to his wife over at DearDarlingWife.com.

You can find the original post for this blog post at: http://manturity.blogspot.com/2013/06/5-reasons-to-write-your-wife-love-letter.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Affair proofing your marriage

6/13/2013

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We've spent the last two days discussing how affairs happen and the fallout to having an affair. Today, we will make a few pointers about fighting the temptation to stray from our marriages and families:

1. Build the marriage relationship - Communication is the key here. Staying in touch with each other's feelings, pressures and tensions will keep you focused on where your relationship needs work. Caring enough to meet these mutual needs in your marriage will help make your relationship a meaningful one in which to be involved. This kind of communication takes time. Make time for each other.

2. The affair process. Read thru again the 12-step affair process. Then read it with your spouse. Come to mutual agreements about how to relate to the opposite sex. The most important idea to remember is that all sin starts in the mind. If we control it there, it cannot grow. Turn your sexual fantasies toward your marriage. Control your thoughts. Pray for good dreams. God will help you manage this sexual dimension in your life.

3. Walk with God together. Be regular in fellowship with Christians. Be regular in worship. Be regular in your devotional life. Pray together as a couple. Go to meetings for men at your church. Men need to have a place where they can discuss openly and honestly with other men about the tensions and problems they encounter in life. Find a place of ministry in your church. Talk to your pastor, let him know your weaknesses and have him pray for you.

4. Count the cost. It helps us to keep our heads in the real world if we think about the consequences of infidelity. Think about how quickly your credibility and Christian witness would be compromised. Don't think temptation will never happen to you. No one is immune. Think about the fact that sin grieves our Lord. Think about how much it would hurt your wife, kids, parents, and in-laws. Even though thinking of the consequences of our sin can help us resist temptation, we are only truly moral in a biblical sense when we refuse to sin primarily out of our love for God.

Our goal in developing moral character is to get to the place where we act faithfully and consistently simply because to do otherwise would bring harm to the person and cause of the God we love.

Only a real and lasting love for God will guard and buttress our fight against the enemy.

This information is taken from TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Victoria's Secret model regrets modeling lingerie

6/5/2013

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Kylie Bisutti hit the big time at the tender age of 19 when she beat out 10,000 bikini beauties to win the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Model Search. So why was Bisutti nowhere to be seen during last year’s Victoria’s Secret runway extravaganza?

“Victoria's Secret was my absolutely biggest goal in life, and it was all I ever wanted career-wise. I actually loved it while I was there, it was so much fun and I had a blast. But the more I was modeling lingerie, and lingerie isn't clothing, I just started becoming more uncomfortable with it because of my faith,” Bisutti told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column. “I'm Christian, and reading the Bible more, I was becoming more convicted about it.”

The California native, now 21, said that in the wake of baring her body as an Angel, she was also hosting parties, posing for men’s magazines, and craving more and more attention.

But she was not feeling good about herself.

“My body should only be for my husband and it's just a sacred thing," said Bisutti, who had gotten married just before winning the 2009 modeling competition. "I didn't really want to be that kind of role model for younger girls because I had a lot of younger Christian girls that were looking up to me and then thinking that it was okay for them to walk around and show their bodies in lingerie to guys.

“It was pretty crazy because I finally achieved my biggest dream, the dream that I always wanted, but when I finally got it, it wasn't all that I thought it would be. Especially being married I just wanted to keep my marriage sacred because divorce rates now in America are pretty high, and I just want to do everything I can to keep my marriage special.”

However, Bisutti hasn't left the entertainment industry entirely, just the posing in underwear part. She appears with Jennifer Lopez in a new Kohl’s commercial, and she'll be working on a new show set to air on the CW channel in September. Bisutti says she's glad she made her career shift, before it was too late.

“It is a very hard industry to be in without falling into things you don't want to do," she said. "I've fallen into many things that I wouldn't have wanted to do, it's a very tempting industry.”

“My goal is just to be a better role model for the youth, I just want them to see me as somebody that they can look up to and somebody that's going to be dressing appropriately and I'm not going to get into things that I wouldn't want them to be getting into,” she added. “I want to go over the top because I don't think enough people go over the top about how serious all this is. I just want people to see something different about me because I have that faith and I think it's so important for everyone to have.”

For the original post go to: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/02/02/kylie-bisutti-left-lingerie-modeling-because-it-didnt-mesh-with-her-christian/#ixzz2U1fXrbSy

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Choosing a woman's honor

5/6/2013

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When living in Europe, I was on a business trip kilometers away from Karyn, my wife. Several of us went to a restaurant to have a meal. Over time, the group dwindled down to me, a female colleague and two other men. One of the men was dropping hints on the female saying that he wanted to see if her hotel room was bigger than his, to see her dog that she had back in her room, and other "seemingly" innocuous things.

I excused myself for a moment and as I stepped out of the bathroom to head back to the table, the woman was standing there at the door. She told me, "I don't know if you've noticed but "George" is hitting on me. I am really uncomfortable with him doing that. Could you make sure that I am not alone with him?"

She and I had become fairly good friends, we both had similar supervisory positions in the same company and I was kind of mentoring her since she was new to the position. I said to her, "what would you like me to do?" She responded, "when we back to the hotel (we were all staying at the same hotel), could you walk me to my room? That will discourage George and he will get the message I don't want him in my room."

I had no reason to believe that she had designs for me, but being a male with a big ego, I was taken aback for a moment. I had to make a decision. Which is more important at this moment? To respect and honor my female friend's request and risk people thinking I went to her room or choose to not be alone with her and avoid even the appearance of evil?

Do I choose to walk her to her hotel room and risk rumor or do I not so as to avoid any gossip? Do I choose to honor her or protect my reputation? It should be noted that she apparently did not have designs for me, she was wanting me to help send a message to a man who was engaging in sexual innuendo.

So, why the tire? Let me use this tire to illustrate the decision-making model.* Imagine at the center is my desire to please God in all that I do. That is the axle of this model. Now, imagine this tire divided into three parts. Each part representing the three goals of Ironstrikes. All of these goals are admirable and God-honoring. However, I was now faced with my personal integrity or honoring a woman , a choice between two good, yet seemingly conflicting goals.

This tire, separated into three parts, the three goals, is constantly on the move. For the tire to sit still and lay flat on one goal results in an out of balance tire. It will become flat if it doesn't rotate. At times, one goal is hitting the ground, at other times, another goal is in play. So, in following this illustration, no goal has precedence over the other. In making this decision, I had to keep those three goals in mind with full consideration of the axle, pleasing God, as the central basis. Pleasing God is what these goals revolve around.

I told my female friend that I would be glad to walk her back to her hotel room. As we went back to the table to conclude the conversation, I was praying about my decision and asking God for His wisdom. "Lord, did I make the right decision? Is honoring my friend's request more important at this moment than protecting my reputation?" The answer came pretty clearly.

Now, lest you think I'm crazy, no, I didn't hear God's audible voice. I felt a calm, a real peace at this decision and then in my head, God spoke thru my thoughts, in my own voice I heard, "You do what is right and I will protect your reputation."

We dismissed ourselves and I walked her back to her room. It was about a 15-minute walk. We got to the hallway that led to her room and she thanked me and went to her room. I then went to my room and called Karyn letting her know what happened so if she heard any rumors, she would know the truth.

So what do you think? Did I make the right decision? You may be thinking, "Dale sure made a big deal out of nothing." Maybe I did, maybe not. However, I learned how little things can become big things. I'm hoping that my example encourages you to be sensitive to God's leading in your life.

* I am indebted to my parents who devised this decision-making model. I have altered it here to fit this illustration.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Fleeing prostitution

5/3/2013

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A local woman's life took a turn for the worse when she encountered an escort service.

The couple who ran the escort service took her in, and the man became her pimp.

At first, he offered protection and fed her drug habit. He groomed her with a dream of money and security. She sold sex at ritzy parties and rode in flashy cars around the Puget Sound region.

Eventually, the pimp brainwashed her into submission and ruled every aspect of her life. He collected all of her earnings and kept track of her whereabouts at all times via cellphone.

If she failed to earn a daily quota of $1,500, she was beaten and humiliated. He would urinate on her. He whipped her with an electrical cord.

"That was his way of showing me this is just the beginning of what will happen," said the woman, who requested anonymity for this story out of fear the pimp could retaliate. "I was more afraid of the pimp than the johns."

The pimp found customers (known as johns) through the internet, Craigslist and alt-weekly papers. Her earnings paid for a house in SeaTac for the pimp and his wife. Thousands of dollars in tricks paid for hotel rooms around the Puget Sound region, including Federal Way and the infamous Aurora Avenue in Seattle. She also worked to pay back the cost of those ads, or pay back bail money if she went to jail.

The johns hailed from all walks of life. Some johns reviewed her services online. Johns would ask for particular kind of girls, which was useful information for pimps.

"I had wigs," she said. "Sometimes they'd say, 'I want a blonde.'"

In a typical transaction, the prostitute took care of business with a john while the pimp waited in an adjacent hotel room to collect the money and monitor the time.

The lifestyle left the woman with no choice but to hustle for more money, or face the wrath of her pimp. She recruited other women into the lifestyle to shoulder some of the workload when johns were seeking services at the same time. Several sessions with johns doubled as drug deals. Pimps pressured women to exploit naive customers with blackmail, for example, such as threatening to tell a john's wife unless he paid hush money.

In total, she had eight prostitution arrests on her record, including an undercover bust in Federal Way. Abused as a child, she was walking Pacific Highway in search of paying customers by age 15. Drugs like heroin became a way to numb herself and cope with the streets, where she had sex to survive.

"I had to be high," she said. "I had to feel nothing."

In a twist of fate, a heroin overdose inadvertently marked the turning point in reclaiming her life. While she was hospitalized, the pimp was jailed after a violent spree in search of her.

She formed relationships with people who empowered her. Now in her mid-thirties, she is no longer a victim, but a survivor. She is married. She lives clean and sober with a career in the mental health field. She regained custody of her three children from foster care, and now helps other mothers in similar situations. She hopes to see more reforms in the child welfare system to ensure that youth avoid these abusive relationships.

"My thanks goes to God for sending a man who was a defender of women," she said, referring to Nick Lembo, who with his wife, Jo, provided a support outlet through Overcomer Covenant Church in Auburn.

"The more eyes and ears on the ground," said Jo Lembo, "the smaller a pimp's world gets."

Ending demand

A grass-roots movement is under way to end the demand for prostitution, which is tangled in a web of pornography and cultural attitudes.

Prostitution has shifted away from the typical streetwalkers. Nowadays, johns arrange meetings online. Federal Way Police Chief Brian Wilson said officers can put an ad on Craigslist, meet with a potential john and make an arrest, all in a span of two hours.

In 2012, there were 12 prostitution-related investigations in Federal Way, Wilson said, with nine of those initiated by police and one involving a 15-year-old girl.

"It's much more underground now," Wilson said during a forum on human trafficking Jan. 9 at City Hall. "This is not a Federal Way issue. It's a regional issue."

According to the former prostitute whose story was told above, the deck is stacked against police. An officer must witness a transaction before making an arrest. When police arrest one prostitute, her pimp will find a replacement and take business to another part of the region.

"There's not much the police can do," said the woman, suggesting a solution for ending demand: spread awareness among youth.

One place to start is by reshaping the perceptions young men have toward women. Some argue the negative influence of pornography on the male sexual identity, including the accompanying message of objectifying women leads to the creation of unrealistic expectations from sex.

While there is nothing wrong with sex, young men need to be educated on how to use and understand it, according to Nick Lembo from Defenders and Shared Hope International.

"Sex is the most powerful stimulant and bonding agent on the planet," he said at the Federal Way forum. "We need to teach men to respect, honor and understand women and build wholesome relationships."

Peter Qualliotine, co-founder of Organization for Prostitution Survivors, said a boy's average age of exposure to pornography is 9. Prostitution and pornography are inseparable, he said at the Federal Way forum, and "one does not exist without the other."

The key to overcoming this obstacle, he said, is to teach young men to eroticize the mutual and consensual parts of sex, instead of the objectified images found in porn.

This post was written by Andy Hobbs. For the original article, go to: http://www.federalwaymirror.com/news/187019821.html

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