Once upon a time, there was a little lovebird named "Petey."  Now, Petey was the love of his owner, Jane.  Jane and Petey were inseparable.  Jane would let Petey out of his cage and Petey would sit on her shoulder and chirp away.  

One day, Jane was cleaning Petey's cage.  Petey was sitting on his perch singing away, just minding his own business.  Jane was using the vacuum cleaner to suck out the waste at the bottom of the cage just like she always has.  Just then, the phone rang.  Jane reached over and grabbed the phone and at the same time, the end of the vacuum hose raised slightly and Petey was sucked away.  Do you ever have times like Petey?  You're just sitting there singing away, minding your own business and something comes along and sucks the life out of you?

Jane quickly hangs up the phone, turns off the vacuum cleaner, the whole time yelling and crying, "Petey!"  She opens the vacuum and pulls Petey out.  All dazed, covered in soot and almost lifeless she grabs him, cradling him in her hand.  Do you ever have times like Petey?  You're just sitting there singing away, minding your own business and all of a sudden you find yourself covered in filth and feeling dazed?

Jane sees the soot all over him and whisks him away to the sink, where she promptly gives him a bath.  Petey is so overwhelmed by the flood, that he nearly drowns.  He is laying there gasping for breath, all wet and bothered.  Do you ever have times like Petey?  You're just sitting there singing away, minding your own business and a flood overwhelms you?

Jane suddenly realizes that Petey may catch cold so she takes Petey into her bathroom and turns on the hairdryer.  Petey is now subjected to hurricane force winds that nearly take his breath away.  Plus, he's feeling heat like he's never felt before.   Do you ever have times like Petey?  You're just sitting there singing, minding your own business and the winds of change blow you away?

Finally, the trauma is over.  Petey is placed back on his perch in his cage.  Things seemingly return to normal for everybody .  

Do you ever have times like Petey?  You're just sitting there singing away, minding your own business and something comes along and changes everything, just sucks the life out of you?  Have you ever found yourself covered in filth and feeling dazed?  Do the floods of life overwhelm you?  Do the winds of change blow you away?

Everything returns to normal.  Everything seems normal, normal for everyone but Petey.   

Petey doesn't sing much anymore...  How about you?

Yesterday, we were discussing my choice at a restaurant with a female co-worker.  Do I choose to walk her to her hotel room and risk rumor or do I not so as to avoid any gossip?  Do I choose to honor her or protect my reputation?  It should be noted that she apparently did not have designs for me, she was wanting me to help send a message to a man who was engaging in  sexual innuendo.  

So, why the tire? Let me use this tire to illustrate the decision-making model.*  Imagine at the center  is my desire to please God in all that I do.  That is the axle  of this model.  Now, imagine this tire divided into three parts.  Each part representing the three goals of Ironstrikes. All of these goals are admirable and God-honoring.  However, I was now faced with my personal integrity or honoring a woman , a choice between two good, yet seemingly conflicting goals.  

This tire, separated into three parts, the three goals, is constantly on the move.  For the tire to sit still and lay flat on one goal results in an out of balance tire.  It will become flat if it doesn't rotate.  At times, one goal is hitting the ground, at other times, another goal is in play.  So, in following this illustration, no goal has precedence over the other.  In making this decision, I had to keep those three goals in mind with full consideration of the axle, pleasing God, as the central basis.  Pleasing God is what these goals revolve around.  

Getting back to yesterday's story, I told my female friend that I would be glad to walk her back to her hotel room.  As we went back to the table to conclude the conversation, I was praying about my decision and asking God for His wisdom.  "Lord,  did I make the right decision?  Is honoring my friend's request more important at this moment than protecting my reputation?"  The answer came pretty clearly.  

Now, lest you think I'm crazy, no, I didn't hear God's audible voice.  I felt a calm, a real peace at this decision and then in my head, God spoke thru my thoughts, in my own voice I heard, "You do what is right and I will protect your reputation."   

We dismissed ourselves and I walked her back to her room.  It was about a 15-minute walk.  We got to the hallway that led to her room and she thanked me and went to her room.  I then went to my room and called Karyn letting her know what happened so if she heard any rumors, she would know the truth.  

So what do you think?  Did I make the right decision?  You may be thinking, "Dale sure made a big deal out of nothing."  Maybe I did, maybe not.  However, I learned how little things can become big things.  I'm hoping that my example encourages you to be sensitive to God's leading in your life.

I am indebted to my parents who devised this decision-making model.  I have altered it here to fit this illustration.

*I'm not really happy with this tire as an illustration.  If someone who is better at computers than I can diagram this for me, I would greatly appreciate it.  Please email the diagram as an attachment to drwayman@ironstrikes.com

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

If you check out the home page of this blog, you see that there are several principles for men to follow.  The third principle is to respect and honor women.  What do you do when this principle seemingly conflicts with other principles?

Let me  illustrate.  When living in Europe, I was on a business trip kilometers away from Karyn, my wife.  Several of us went to a restaurant to have a meal.  Over time, the group dwindled down to me, a female colleague and two other men.  One of the men was dropping hints on the female saying that he wanted to see if her hotel room was bigger than his, to see her dog that she had back in her room, and other "seemingly" innocuous things.  

I excused myself for a moment and as I stepped out of the bathroom to head back to the table, the woman was standing there at the door.  She told me, "I don't know if you've noticed but "George" is hitting on me.  I am really uncomfortable with him doing that.  Could you make sure that I am not alone with him?"  

She and I had become fairly good friends, we both had similar supervisory positions in the same company and I was kind of mentoring her since she was new to the position.  I said to her, "what would you like me to do?"  She responded, "when we  back to the hotel (we were all staying at the same hotel), could you walk me to my room?  That will discourage George and he will get the message I don't want him in my room."  

I had no reason to believe that she had designs for me, but being a male with a big ego, I was taken aback for a moment.  I had to make a decision.  Which is more important at this moment?  To respect and honor my female friend's request and risk people thinking I went to her room or choose to not be alone with her and avoid even the appearance of evil? 

Tomorrow, we will discuss how I came to my conclusion to this dilemma.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The young man told me an unbelievable story.  He was telling me about an activity that was popular in his college dorm.  It was called "hogging."  

As he explained what this activity was, it became clear to me that this young man was engaging in a very sinful and demeaning sexual activity.  By many standards, his behavior was considered deviant and misogynous.

Clearly, hogging is when a man purposely seeks out an overweight or unattractive woman to satisfy his sexual appetite.  Many times, it is a game, a form of competition that men do to see who can have sex with the largest woman.  It is not unusual for a group of men at a bar decide to "spice up" the most overweight or unattractive woman or it occurs when it is close to bar closing and a man decided he will "settle" for this woman rather than go home alone.  This type of behavior is disgusting, despicable and wrong on so many levels.    

This young man was starting to feel a twinge of guilt for his behavior.  The night before he was involved in a "rodeo" where his friends hid in his bedroom and took  pictures of his sexual activity and then jumped out and surprised the woman, humiliating her and telling her it was all a competition.  This last encounter ended with the young woman breaking down in tears, angrily crying hysterically and threatening to call the police for sexual assault.  

It's disgusting the path that sin takes in men's lives.  The desire to seek sexual thrills coupled with competition makes men stupid.  This selfishness leads to treating people like objects, forgetting that other people have needs and feelings as well.  

His behavior reminded me of a section of the Bible where Paul is speaking to first generation Christians:  "Don't you know that wicked people won't inherit the kingdom of God?  Stop deceiving yourselves!  People who continue to commit sexual sins..."  Then Paul reminds them that even though they have engaged in sexual sins, that they have changed...  "That's what some of you were!  But you have been washed and made holy, and you have received God's approval..."  

This young man didn't have a Christian heritage on which to build, just like these first generation Christians.  He thought that what he was doing was "normal, what guys do."  Fortunately, the Holy Spirit was speaking to him, letting him know that abusing women and seeking sexual thrills and competition is not "normal." And he was listening...

God takes pleasure in uprightness, in those who seek to please Him before pleasing their own sensual desires and selfishness.  

This young man changed for the better.  He is now walking in righteousness, seeking God's will for his life.   He is forgiven.  He is now made holy.  He is receiving God's approval.

God changed this young man. 

Can you? 
Yes.

Will you? 
Yes.

Allow God to change you. 

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

How long, O Lord, must I call for help but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, "Violence!" but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrong? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds.   
                    Habakkuk 1:2-3,13

Where were you God? Where were you when I needed you? Didn't you see the violence? The abuse? The injustice? Didn't you care? There are times in life when we are full of questions about God. The pain of past trauma can be intensified when we begin to struggle with these hard questions about God.

It is important to acknowledge that these questions about God are not academic questions. No theoretical explanation of the problem of pain will soothe our raging, confused hearts. These are urgent, personal questions about God and about God's involvement in our lives. We want to know that God sees and cares and intervenes in our lives. We need God. We need God's love. We need God's help.

It is an important source of encouragement to know that we are not the first to ask these hard questions. There is clear biblical precedent for asking difficult questions about God. People of faith have always struggled with questions like these. We can take comfort and courage from knowing that the prophets also asked urgent questions similar to our own.

God, I am afraid.
I don't understand.
Violence and abuse happen and you do not stop it.
You seem absent.
You seem uncaring.
I need to know that you see and care.
I am calling to you for help, God.
Please hear me.
Please respond.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

We've spent the last three days discussing how affairs happen and the fallout to having an affair.  Today, we will make a few pointers about fighting the temptation to stray from our marriages and families:


1.  Build the marriage relationship - Communication is the key here.  Staying in touch with each other's feelings, pressures and tensions will keep you focused on where your relationship needs work.  Caring enough to meet these mutual needs in your marriage will help make your relationship a meaningful one in which to be involved.  This kind of communication takes time.  Make time for each other.

2.  The affair process.  Read thru again the 12-step affair process.  Then read it with your spouse.  Come to mutual agreements about how to relate to the opposite sex.  The most important idea to remember is that all sin starts in the mind.  If we control it there, it cannot grow.  Turn your sexual fantasies toward your marriage.  Control your thoughts.  Pray for good dreams.  God will help you manage this sexual dimension in your life.

3.  Walk with God together.  Be regular in fellowship with Christians.  Be regular in worship.  Be regular in your devotional life.  Pray together as a couple.  Go to meetings for men at your church.  Men need to have a place where they can discuss openly and honestly with other men about the tensions and problems they encounter in life.  Find a place of ministry in your church.  Talk to your pastor, let him know your weaknesses and have him pray for you.  

4.  Count the cost.  It helps us to keep our heads in the real world if we think about the consequences of infidelity.  Think about how quickly your credibility and Christian witness would be compromised.  Don't think temptation will never happen to you.  No one is immune.  Think about the fact that sin grieves our Lord.  Think about how much it would hurt your wife, kids, parents, and in-laws.  Even though thinking of the consequences of our sin can help us resist temptation, we are only truly moral in a biblical sense when we refuse to sin primarily out of our love for God.

Our goal in developing moral character is to get to the place where we act faithfully and consistently simply because to do otherwise would bring harm to the person and cause of the God we love.

Only a real and lasting love for God will guard and buttress our fight against the enemy.  

This information is taken from TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we concluded our discussion of how an affair progresses thru predictable stages.  However, the consequences of such behavior are profound.  

Dr. Dobson states, "the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but it still has to be mowed."  Once the excitement of the early stages of the affair wear off, the new couple is forced to live real life again, life in the common place.  The man and woman suddenly have to face work thru personality adjustments.  They discover spiritual, emotional and physical imperfections in each other they have never noticed before.   Someone has to fix the cars, cook the meals, clean the house, run errands, mow the lawn, struggle with the finances.  

There is also a layer of distrust in the new relationship.  "If he cheated before, he can do it again..."  The trail of pain eats away at the new relationship.  Kids have been hurt.  A wife and a husband have been abandoned.  The complex and difficult relational network is hard to manage.  

Like wide-eyed children we enter into extra-marital affair.  Our eyes are wide open but for some reason we are blind to many of the realities that will become devastatingly  apparent later when the glitter fades.  It is OK to be childlike in some of the areas of our lives.  But we have to live in the real world.  Yes, we desperately want for the new relationship to work, to give us pleasure, the romance, the affirmation we felt was lacking in our former marriage.  But we have bought the lie, the hype, the brightly lit illusion, the propaganda that says we can gave everything we want simply by changing partners mid-stream.  It is very American to seek the quick fix; we are looking for the easy road to the real thing.

It is truly a tragedy.  Men and women change partners again and again chasing the illusion.  Many die lonely, empty people, lacking the love that they chased all their lives.  

Tomorrow, we will look at how to fight the temptation to stray...

The information from this post is taken from TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Yesterday, we discussed the first five steps that lead to an affair.  Today, we conclude our discussion:

6.  Private lingering - Soon the man & the woman find that they are still together long after the others have left.  Conversation shifts from ideas to feelings.  Caring is shared.  Conversation drifts into private and personal areas.  They still feel fine about the relationship because the meetings begin in public.

7.  Purposeful isolating - Now the man & the woman begin to plan times alone for "legitimate" purposes.  They may request the other to work on special projects at work that require them being alone or work late together.  He may ask her to help him sort out his marital problems.   They still deny any suggestions that their relationship is not completely appropriate.  At home, his wife notices a decrease in verbal & nonverbal communication.  He seems suddenly detached, cool, almost formal in his relating.  There may be uncompleted phone calls.

8.  Pleasurable isolating - Now the man & the woman are planning times alone with each other for the sheer enjoyment of being together.  The relationship takes on a youthful euphoria.  There is a shared experience of excitement and adventure with more intimacy occurring.  There is more touching.  His spouse notices that there are long blocks of time that are unaccounted for.  There is a noticeable decrease in pleasurable times in the marriage.  The relationship is still rationalized:  "It's OK to have good friends of the opposite sex, there is nothing wrong with being close friends.  After all, she understands me better than my wife."

9.  Affectionate embracing - There is embracing without letting go.  There is increased touching and playful caressing.  Childish games like tickling and wrestling are often played at this stage to increase physical contact.  The rationalization is that there is nothing wrong with physically expressing support for one another.  At the same time, affectionate embracing and physical contact decreases with his wife.  

10.  Passionate embracing - Affectionate touching and embracing lead to passionate interchanges.  The couple will still rationalize and say that it is fine to get aroused because it is innocent and unplanned, "Besides, my wife no longer makes me feel this way."

11.  Capitulation - The couple gives in to sexual intercourse.  Denial is eliminated at this stage.  There is no way to deny the reality of what they have done.

12.  Acceptance - Here they finally admit to themselves that they are in the throes of an affair.  If they continue, it is definitely a conscious choice.  The emotional investment in the affair is at its peak and the emotional investment in the marriage is at its lowest.  The man may find creative ways for his wife to discover the affair.  The tension of living a double life is usually too much for someone to bear for very long.

Is this the end of the story?  Do the man and woman live happily ever after?  Nope.  The story of an affair is not a comedy.  It is a huge tragedy with unbelievable fallout and consequences.

Tomorrow, we will discuss some of these consequences.

Much of this information is taken from the book, TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE

There are twelve common steps that usually occur in sequence as a relationship moves toward an adulterous affair.  These steps often occur over a long period of time, but a man and a woman can move thru these stages of an affair in a single evening.  Becoming aware of the steps helps us to recognize what might be happening to us so we can stop the process before we are in over our heads. 

Our two main enemies are rationalization and denial.  We rationalize when we give acceptable reasons for unacceptable thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Denial is our often intense refusal to recognize the truth about our thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Sin can harden our hearts and darken our understanding, turning us away from God.  "Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."

For example, a woman  rationalizes that God understood and accepted her numerous affairs because, after all, it was He who created within her this "need for other men."  A man lives in denial about his affair, "it's OK, because each time we have sex we end by praying together."

 I will briefly list the 12 steps here and in the subsequent post.  For a more complete understanding, you will need to read the book, TEMPTATIONS MEN FACE, from which this information is taken.

1.  Readiness - The first step is emotional readiness.  Something is occurring in a man's life that has him leaning away from the marriage.  This is a vulnerable time.  He needs to learn to recognize this and turn his energy toward regaining the full health of his marital relationship.

2.  Alertness - The second stage in the affair process is a growing awareness of a particular person in our web of relationships.  He begins simply by thinking occasionally about the other person.  The innocent thoughts turn to fantasy.  As she becomes more present in his conscious thoughts, she may begin to appear in dreams and the dreams are often filled with sexual fantasy.  Masturbating while fantasizing about her is common.

3.  Innocent meeting - Truly innocent, chance meetings, often legitimate business contacts can potentially build the relationship.  This is the stage where some flirtations can develop, prolonged eye contact, harmless sounding sexual innuendo, enticing body language, etc.

4.  Intentional meeting - Meetings occur frequently which appear to be by chance when in reality one person has acted in such a way as to increase the likelihood of the meeting.  He will hang out for extended periods of time hoping for the chance to "surprisingly" meet her.  The excitement of sexual attraction overpowers his rational side.  At this point, he has entered a real danger zone.

5.  Public lingering - The man & the woman now spend time together while in group settings.  They will tend to shut others out by turning away from the group and avoiding eye contact with others.  Observers know something is happening.  However, they would still deny any suggestion that this was more than normal adult relating.  The public setting help them to rationalize:  "It's fine to focus on her.  Nothing can happen.  We are with others."

Tomorrow, we will continue our discussion on how affairs happen...