"How do I know when it's God talking to me or the devil?"  

             This is a question that I get quite a bit in my correspondence and
                                   conversations with people.






I have met different people who discern God's will or God's voice in curious ways:

• One person told me that the plant on his microwave will blow in a certain direction that tells him the next thing he thinks/hears is God talking to him.
  
• Another person told me that when he spends time in prayer, he has the window open.  If the curtains blow out, the answer from God is yes.  If the curtains suck into the window, the answer from God is no.  
• Yet, another person told me that when he prays, he stands as still and as upright as he can and while he's praying about a decision, if he leans to the right, the answer is no.  If he leans to the right, the answer is yes.  
• I have also had people (who were not psychotic) tell me that God tells them answers thru the people talking on the television.
• Another individual told me that he looks for signs.  For example, he was contemplating whether to take a job in Wyoming and he saw someone wearing a Wyoming shirt shortly after praying.  He wondered if that was God leading.

Jesus had a little something to say about this.  He says that wicked and adulterous people are always looking for a sign.  It seems to me that much of what Christians call discerning God's voice amounts to not much more than folk religion.  Folk religion is unreflective religious beliefs based largely upon feeings, cliches, devotional literature and "evangelegends."

Folk religion is not God honoring.  In my discussions with those five people above, I can assure you that they came up with some pretty goofy ideas about what God was saying.  God is clear, He says if anyone lacks wisdom, we just need to ask Him.  As Christians, we now have the indwelling of God's Holy Spirit.  We no longer need to consult the urim and thummim.  Nor do we need to cast lots to make decisions.  

However, if you read my post yesterday, I wrote about how the devil tries to remind of our sins and failures.  

How, do we know when its the devil is giving us a hard time or God's Holy Spirit convicting us of something that needs to change?

The answer is simple.  The devil hates you.  God loves you.  Once you get that concept firmly in your mind, discerning which voice is which becomes less problematic.  

Now, I'm not saying that we have the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  I'm not wanting this to be caricatured.  
My experience is often it is not the devil speaking to me but it is my own sinfulness getting in the way.  
My own sin nature speaks to me.  

Nevertheless, if you hear a thought that says, "you know, you really are a pathetic excuse for a Christian.  You are such a hypocrite, you are so selfish."  Does that sound like a hateful thought or a loving thought?  I can tell you that thought either came from your own sinfulness or the devil (or maybe even both).  Do you see what that thought does?  It cuts you down at the very core of your being it attacks you as a child of God.  It's like being blasted with a shotgun.

Now, let's say you hear a thought that says, "you know, you just spoke about how you didn't like that style of worship.  Did you consider that worship can take many forms?  You need to apologize for what you just said."  Does that sound like a hateful thought or a loving thought?  Do you see what that thought does?  It is clear and concise.  It doesn't attack you as a child of God.  It's like a single bullet shot right into your pride.  

So, are you seeing the difference?  When you have a thought and it feels like you have been blasted with a shotgun, that the thought was so diffuse, you can bet that it's not from God...

God's Holy Spirit is a sniper.  He shoots clean and hits his target.  There is no collateral damage.  

When the devil speaks, its to entice you away from God.  To destroy how you view yourself before God.  

When God speaks to you, it's to attract you to Him. 

Paul's words ring true when discerning the voice of God, "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

In 1992-1993 we were missionaries in Ecuador.  I have worshiped with people from many different cultures and have enjoyed the different ways that Christians engage in worship.  I remember one service in Esmeraldas that had a very African flavor to it and another in Guayaquil that was a tropical, Latin mix.  I thoroughly enjoyed both and could tell that these were ernest Christians who REALLY enjoyed worship.

On another occasion we went to Riobamba to a church high in the Andes mountains.  What I experienced there was quite different.  We had traveled there to visit some people from America that were on a work trip to the area and wanted to make some friends.  We had eaten supper together with them and the Quechua folk of that church.  When we went to worship, we were fortunate to have a teen choir lead us in worship.  The worship was more formal and the singing was in a very nasally, high voice.  It was in the Quechua language so I had difficulty understanding what they were singing.  

I was young, proud and had my wife and kids with me.  After the service one of the Americans came over to me and we were talking about the service.  I said something about the service that I shouldn't have said.  I said, "that music was gross!"  It popped out and I didn't take it back.  I was instantly convicted but was too stiff-necked to listen to God's Holy Spirit's chastening.  After all, I was the missionary, they were just people visiting.  

I have thought about my bad comment over the years, trying to analyze why I would say something like that.  Now, I know that one of the tricks that Satan uses is to keep reminding Christians of their faults and sins to keep them feeling condemned and ineffective.  I have been forgiven for my statement and my attitude and when I think about what I said, I still get a twinge of guilt but then I am reminded that was in the past and forgiven.

I recognized that I had in my mind certain ways that I approved of how worship was to be done.  This third church, in Riobamba, stretched me and didn't fit my preconceived notions.  I was clearly wrong.  I have prayed that the young American that I talked to (I have no recollection who he was) would not remember my insensitivity but the good things of his time in Ecuador.  

Now it is 2013 and I am miles aways and 20 years away from that event.  I have worshiped in several other cultures and other churches and have come to believe that I have put away such preconceptions.  I no longer have the feeling that a certain style of worship is gross.  I have matured.  I have become more Christlike.

But have I?  Have I really progressed?

I was recently at a worship service where we were lead by a worship team that had a decidedly "country" flavor to it.  Part way thru this experience, I excused myself.  As I walked past the sound booth, a friend asked me, "how do you like the worship team?"  I said, "I am not a fan of country music..."  I felt instant conviction, very similar to how I felt in Riobamba when I ignored the Holy Spirit.  I immediately followed it with, "but I see that others are worshiping and the team is really doing a good job, so I can't complain.  I'm trying to worship too."  

OK.  That was a bit better.

Then I was reminded of a statement, I don't know where I heard it, that says, "If your life is divided up between what you like and don't like and you just do what you like & avoid what you don't like, you're gonna have a miserable existence."  That statement is sooooo true.  I close myself up to God's ability to work in my life if I just simply become opinionated about everything and complain/avoid things I don't care for.  

So, I'm trying, I'm improving, I'm getting better, my intent is improving, my heart's getting into it.... 

but I still have a long way to go...

Tomorrow, we will talk a little bit about how to discern when God's Holy Spirit is speaking to you.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

In one of my classes at Hillsdale Free Will Baptist College we were assigned to read a book by Chuck Swindoll called, Improving Your Serve. Overall this was a pretty good book, but there was one quote that was absolutely phenomenal. It was something that stood out to me then and one that I still think about years later. More than any other quote I’ve seen this sums up what many people in our day want from God. It goes like this,

“I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please, not enough to explode my soul or disturb my sleep, but just enough to equal a warm cup of milk, or a snooze in the sunshine. I don’t want enough of Him to make me love a black man or pick beets with a migrant. I want ecstasy, not transformation; I want the warmth of the womb, not a new birth. I want a pound of the Eternal in a paper sack. I would like to buy $3 worth of God, please”

Chuck Swindoll goes on to say about this, “That’s it. Our inner ‘self’ doesn’t want to dump God entirely, just keep Him at a comfortable distance. Three dollars of Him is sufficient. A sack full, nothing more. Just enough to keep my guilt level below the threshold of pain, just enough to guarantee escape from eternal flames. But certainly not enough to make me nervous…to start pushing around my prejudices or nit-picking at my lifestyle. Enough is enough!”

As preposterous as that sounds, I believe it accurately reflects what many people in the church today feel that grace is.  Grace is enough of God to keep us from being punished for our sins but not enough to turn us into fanatics.  Grace is for those who aren’t into the whole deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Jesus thing.  Grace means my sins are forgiven and I’m free to live however I want.

I’m sure most would affirm that grace doesn’t free us to live grossly immoral lives. Yet many would probably say that as long as we don’t live grossly immoral lives we are free to do whatever else we want. We are free to live for ourselves while making nominal gestures of service and devotion to God.

This is why teaching about being righteous, doing righteous, being pure in heart, faith without works being dead and taking up our cross to follow Jesus is often so hard for people to swallow. In their minds these teachings are opposed to grace. But are they really? Or is this idea of grace flawed?

Many times when we speak of grace we mean something different than the Bible does. Many times when we speak of grace we are talking about a quality of something that is beautiful or joyful. Sometimes when we speak of grace we are talking about a favor that one might extend to a friend without expecting anything in return. However when the early Christians looked at what God had done for mankind and then spoke of God’s grace they meant something far different.

“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men,” Titus 2:11 (NKJV)

The grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. This doesn’t mean that all men, or all people, have been saved through the grace of God. Instead it means that because of the grace of God all people can be saved. God’s grace has provided an opportunity for every person that has ever lived to receive the salvation that He offers. I’m sure we are all familiar with this, but what we need to be reminded of is what it means that God’s grace made salvation possible for all people.

What it means is that through grace God will save the person who is living in rebellion against Him. Through grace God will save the person who curses Him. Through grace God will save the person who actively opposes Him. Through grace God will save the person who willingly sins against Him. Through grace God will save the lonely, the empty, the ungodly and those drifting through life without purpose or meaning.

To fully appreciate the kind of people that God will save through grace we have to remember how the Bible describes us before we were saved by Gods grace. In Romans 5:6 we are told that we were ungodly people without the strength to save ourselves. In Romans 5:8 we are described as sinners, meaning in part that we were actively rebelling against God.  Then in Romans 5:10 we are given a description of ourselves that makes God’s grace toward us most amazing. In Romans 5:10 we are called God’s enemies. In all of these verses are also reminded that Jesus died for us as ungodly sinners, enemies of God who were unable to do anything to change this situation on their own.

It is at this point that we recognize how amazing God’s grace really is. This is what sets God’s grace apart from man’s grace. While we may at times do favors for our friends, God has done the unimaginable. He has willingly sacrificed His own Son to die for His enemies that He might save them and bring them into a life changing relationship with Him.

This post was written by Rev Stacy J. Ross.  For the original post with comments, go to:  http://stacyjross.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/3-worth-of-god/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

According to a recent newspaper report, only 8% of British men attend church regularly, though 53% identify themselves as Christians. And the situation is similar in other Western nations, with more than 40% of U.S. evangelicals not attending church weekly and more than 60% of American mainline Christians not attending weekly. In short, millions who consider themselves Christians limit their church attendance largely to holidays, weddings, and funerals.

If you’re among these millions, please give church another chance.  By getting involved, you’ll discover that what you once viewed as a chore is actually a blessing. Here are 10 reasons why:

1. Gathering with a church encourages believers to love others and do good deeds (Hebrews 10:24-25).

2. A church is the main venue for using your spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 12:1-31). God has given you abilities and talents intended to help other Christians. If you’re not involved in a church, others are being deprived of what you have to offer.

3. A church helps keep you from abandoning the faith. According to the author of Hebrews, the antidote to developing an “unbelieving heart” that leads you “to fall away from the living God” is to “exhort one another” (Hebrews 3:12-13)—an activity that occurs most prominently in the church.

4. A church helps you defend Christianity against those who attack it. When Jude told the early Christians to “contend for the faith” (Jude 3), he directed his instruction toward a group of believers, not a scattering of lone-ranger Christians. Answering challenges from coworkers, friends, and family members is always easier when you can ask fellow church members for help and wisdom.

5. A church is a great venue for pooling resources to support missions and benevolent works (2 Corinthians 8:1-7; 3 John 5-8). Your money combined with that of fellow church members can do a lot for Christ.

6. A church helps its members maintain correct doctrine (1 Timothy 3:15). You might begin to adopt unbiblical ideas without realizing it yourself. But you probably won’t adopt unbiblical ideas without someone at your church realizing it, and they can help you get back to the truth.

7. After your family, a church is the best group of people to meet your physical needs in an emergency (1 John 3:16-17; 1 Timothy 5:3-16).

8. A church supports you when you face persecution (Acts 4:23-31; 12:12-17). You may not be imprisoned for your Christian beliefs like the apostles were, but a church family is still a great source of comfort when you face stinging words or unfair treatment.

9. A church is where you can be baptized and take part in the Lord’s Supper (Matthew 28:18-20; 1 Corinthians 11:17-34; Ephesians 4:4-6). These two ordinances are a vital part of any believer’s walk with Jesus.

10. A church provides the setting for corporate worship (Ephesians 5:19; Colossians 3:16). Though it’s a blessing to praise God alone, there is a unique joy that accompanies singing God’s praises with an entire congregation of Christ followers.

The list could go on, but you get the idea. It’s worth it to start attending church.

This post was written by David Roach.  the original post with comments can be found at:  http://www.biblemesh.com/blog/2013/01/21/10-reasons-to-be-involved-in-a-church/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales. It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas - no wonder my words have been impetuous.  Job 6:1-3

When we have lived for a long time by the 'don't talk' rule, learning to talk honestly and personally can be a real challenge. Our attempts to move away from self-deceit toward honest self-disclosure may be quite awkward. It's not reasonable to expect ourselves to be gifted at telling the truth when we have practiced deceit for so long. Sometimes our words will seem startling. We will feel our pain, find our voice, and the words and emotions will tumble out raw and uncensored. This text calls these 'impetuous' words. Another translation of this text calls them 'wild words'.

It is not easy to break the silence, to talk about what is real, to tell the truth about what we see and hear, to share what we think and feel, to tell our stories. Breaking the silence is like breaking the sound barrier - sometimes it can be quite loud and it can rattle the walls a little. When our misery feels like it 'outweighs the sands of the sea,' our emotions are going to be intense and our words will sometimes be wild.

Wild words are part of the journey and should not surprise us. Intense feelings sometimes need strong language in order to find true expression.

Lord, I am not accustomed to talking.
I am not gifted at honesty.
I have practiced 'don't talk' for a long time.
And now I need to practice honesty.
Help me to be patient and accepting of my wild words.
Even when the wild words frighten me.
Help me to pursue the truth.
Give me the courage I need.
You, Lord, who created the worlds with a word,
Give me the words I need.

Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

Recently, I made several trips to the paint store to find a certain color of paint to cover a newly spackled door frame. This project, which is in the process of being complete by someone I work with, is one of many that need to be done at work. My job, like any administrator of my type, is to visit the necessary stores that have the requisite supplies for the assigned tasks.

Last week, the man who does odd jobs for the church told me to go get paint for the door frame. He said that the paint store would have record of this paint color and all I would have to tell them is that it was a yellow shade, and the only bucket of that kind of color we have ever bought from them.

Well, I traveled to the paint store only to realize that we had used the other paint store down the road. When we both visited the correct place, we found out that we have never bought any yellow-type paint that we were describing.

When I went downstairs to look at the color, I thought it looked more beige than yellow (people who know me are laughing right now….because I am color-blind)…and the search process started over again.

After taking a chip off the wall and bringing it into my office, we realized that we were both wrong. The inadequate lighting was the culprit…in combination with the fact that I can’t see color properly.

If the enemy of our souls had his way, he would be the one providing the lens by which we view the world. He wants us to view the world in the dark, and miss the details.

When we talk about things like “being the light of the world”, and “Jesus is the light”, we are describing more than just a solution for darkness. Proper light can allow us to see things as they truly are made to be. God’s perfect light allows us to see the world through the lens of truth. We cannot simply rely on our abilities, discernment, or sight.

Today, ask God to show you the needs of the world around you. Shine God’s light so that His message can be clearer.

This post was written by Rev DeCrastos.  For the original post with comments, go to:  http://other-words.net/2013/01/21/the-right-lighting/

I was tasked with assessing a man regarding his sexual addiction.  

Unfortunately, his tale was all too familiar.  

As he sat across from me telling me that he is now considered a sexual offender and must register with the local police every time he moves, he started to unfold his story.  He told me that he had found his Dad's stash of Playboy and Hustler magazines when he was just eight years old.  

That is a bad sign...  The earlier a man is exposed to porn the greater are his chances that he will become addicted and the greater are his chances of getting into legal trouble.

The more he looked at porn, the more he wanted to look at porn.  (Interesting cycle, don't you think?)  The more he looked at porn, the more he fantasized about doing what he was watching on the porn movies.  

The more he watched porn, the less developed his social skills became.  This happens because porn causes a man to be selfish and just think about his own pleasure.  Friendships are unnecessary.  Girls are unnecessary because the girls in porn movies and magazines are always accessible and there for a man's pleasure.

It's a terrible cycle that entraps a man.  He wants to approach girls but fears rejection.  He wants to do the things he fantasizes about but he fears she will say no.  Finally, his isolation led him to frustration and he decided he would act upon some of his fantasies.  

A really weird thing about men addicted to porn is that they think that women are turned on by seeing male genitalia.  The porn that men watch gives a terribly distorted perspective of sexuality.  In actuality, women are more attracted to an intimate relationship than the male physique.

This man started to act upon his fantasies from the porn that he had been viewing over the years.  

One of his fantasies was that he would "accidentally" leave his zipper down and a woman would notice and become aroused.   He would walk around in grocery stores with his zipper down, fantasizing about his inevitable sexual encounter.  He was disappointed that no women noticed.

So, he developed another plan.  He decided that he would sit in his car close to the exits of stores with his pants open and hope that women would see and become aroused.  That didn't work either.  

So, his next step would be to call women over to his car, "to ask a question" and hope that with his pants open, they would notice, be sexually aroused and want to be with him.   He continued to be very disappointed.

He thought, because of his distorted perspective of women and sexuality, that what women were wanting to see was that he was sexually aroused, that he was erect, ready for sex.  So, he would sit in his car and fantasize about a woman jumping into his car and they would drive to a secluded place for a sexual encounter.  

One morning, while he was sitting in his car masturbating and fantasizing, he rolled his window down and asked a woman to come over because he had a "question" he wanted to ask her.  She approached his car, looked at him and where his hand was and instantly became repulsed.  She noted his license plate and called the police when she got home.  

She made a report to the police and he was arrested and prosecuted.  His prosecution was made public, his family was embarrassed and he lost his job.  

As he finished his story, I asked, "have you gotten rid of your porn?"  I knew his answer would be "no."  I was right.  The court wanted recommendations at the end of my assessment.  My recommendations were necessary:  no cable tv, no vcr/dvd player, no internet, no smart phone, no porn.  If he was caught in possession of any of these items, he would go to prison.  Also, he needed intensive counseling.  If this failed, then he would need residential treatment.

However, when the judge found out that he had not given up his porn, he acted swiftly.  This man immediately went to prison.  

Wouldn't it be nice if all of my stories ended in a positive note?  

This is a depressing, disgusting story.

Porn wins.

"Behold, you have sinned against the LORD and be sure that your sin will find you out."

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

With a title like this there is little room for dilly-dallying along the way to the answer. So without much introduction, here is the tip that could save your marriage: Get a part-time job.

There. That’s it. Husbands, if you want to save or strengthen your marriage, get a part-time job.

I should say right off the bat that I am not talking about a literal job that will pull you away from the home for more hours. Instead I’m arguing for the husband to approach his time at home with his family with the same thoughtful intentionality and engagement that he would if he were to go to work.

Far too many marriages are suffering because the husband comes home mentally, physically and emotionally zapped from his work day. He has done well as the provider for the home and now he is going to come home and collapse into a lazy-boy (aptly named) or in front of a computer or some other process of decompression and relaxation from a tough day at work. This type of thing may be ok occasionally but if practiced regularly it will lead to major problems.

Years ago after starting a new job I came home mentally and emotionally drained several days in a row. Laying on the floor “resting” became my default posture. One day my wife walked over and said, “Hey, we don’t want your left-overs. Don’t give everyone else your best only to serve us left-overs.”

This hit me like a ton of bricks. My wife and family were grateful that I was providing, but they were not content with a mere provider. They wanted a dad and a husband. In other words, there is more to the job of being a husband than just making money. He needs to be thoughtfully, intentionally, and continually engaged in the home.

This is why the illustration of having a second job in the evenings works so well. As husbands we must come home with at least, if not more engagement than we would have at work. Husbands come home to lovingly lead their families. They need to be serving their wives by listening, learning, nourishing, and shepherding them. We can’t do that when we are “recovering” from work or checking out for some much needed “me” time. The job description for a husband entails thoughtful intentionality. We have got to be in the game and doing our job.

It would not be a stretch to say that over 90% of the marital counseling I have done as a pastor involves the husband sleeping at his post in one way or another. He hangs his hat on being the provider while neglecting his role as shepherd-leader of the home. Fixing this will not solve everything but it will drastically improve a lot of things.

So husbands, let me challenge you to come home from work like you are going to work at a job you love in a place you love. Come alongside your wife to talk, listen, and learn her. Play with the kids. Do some chores. Make some jokes. Read the Bible. Pray together. Play a game. Make some dessert. Fix something that broke. Flirt with your wife. Sit and talk. Whatever you do, do it heartily and intentionally like a guy who is there, engaged with his family not escaping from his family.

This post was written by Erik Raymond.  For the original post with comments, go to:  http://www.ordinarypastor.com/?p=11212


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

After almost 30 years of marriage I think we have made some progress in our communication.  Let me tell you about a disagreement that we recently experienced in our marriage.  

Karyn was looking thru a sales circular and noted that there were some electric toothbrush heads that were for sale.  Karyn said, "look at the good price on these Oral-B toothbrush heads!"  I looked at the advertisement and said, "yes, that's a great price but we don't have Oral-B anymore.  (Actually it wasn't Oral-B but Phillips/Norelco but Karyn didn't correct me.) Remember it died and we bought another one?"  "Yeah, but we bought an Oral-B again."  I knew she was wrong.  It was a Braun toothbrush.  I knew that because I had just noted the day before that it was Braun.  Braun is a German brand and I was looking to see if it was multi-volt, able to work in 111-220 volts.  I was surprised when I looked at it that it was only a 110 volt.  I thought that was unusual for a Braun.  Every other Braun device I've had in the past was multi-volt.  In fact, my electric razor is Braun and it is multi-volt.  

I KNEW that I was correct.  So, I said, "No, it's a Braun.  Those toothbrush heads won't work on it.  We have to get Braun toothbrush heads."  Karyn repeated, "No, it's an Oral-B toothbrush, I know it is."  I reiterated, "I know for sure it's a Braun."

What came to mind as those last words popped out of my mouth was a quote from Swiss psychiatrist Paul Tournier in his book, To Understand Each Other.  Dr Tournier writes, "As long as a man is preoccupied primarily with being understood by his wife, he is miserable, overcome with self-pity, the spirit of demanding, and bitter withdrawal.  As soon as he becomes preoccupied with understanding her, seeking to understand that which he had not before understood, and with his own wrongdoing in not having understood her, then the direction taken by events begins to change."  

If Karyn and I had this disagreement 20 years ago, there may have been some sparks flying.  Have you ever noticed that often, in marriage, that disagreements are over petty, mostly insignificant things?  This makes sense because often you marry someone who is fairly similar to you.  You generally agree on the bigger issues like politics, spiritual views, world views, etc.  However, it's the little things that build up over time and irritate marriages.  

Our responsibility in marriage is to seek to understand each other.  A good marriage is composed of two people who grasp this principle. 

We have learned that principle of trying to understand rather than seeking to be understood.  I would say, that over the last years, that this principle was harder for me to incorporate into our marriage than it was for Karyn.  It probably took me at least 10 years of marriage before I truly was able to comprehend what Tournier meant in his book.  Twenty years ago, I would have jumped up from the couch, run into the bathroom, grabbed the toothbrush and brought it back with an air of superiority.  

After all, I know that I am right!

What was most interesting about this disagreement (look at the picture above) is that we were both correct!  That evening, as we were getting ready for bed, I remembered our disagreement from earlier and I looked at the toothbrush.  It said both Oral-B and Braun on it!  When I pointed that out it was hilarious!

It seems now, that most of our disagreements occur when we are both right.  However, now, we aren't so tied into being right but in understanding, even when we know (or think we know) each of us is correct.  

I'm writing this short blog today not to hold us up as some paragon of marital virtue but rather to share a simple principle:         
                         
                                                    It is better to understand than to be understood.

Just in case you're keeping track....  Yes, it was me that wanted to prove, in the end, that I was right.  

Yes, I was right!      and I was wrong...

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Can you imagine a husband making a funny joke and then, at the punchline landing a solid jab to his wife’s shoulder? Of course not. It’s out of place (and perhaps domestic abuse). However, in the context of a male friendship such behavior is widely practiced and acceptable. What’s the difference? (I’m about to get profound here…) Simply, women are different then men. Husbands and wives are different. And this is a good thing, something to be celebrated.

However, it is also apparently an evasive truth. One of the most common non-spiritual, basic, counseling I give to a husband is: don’t treat your wife like a guy. Believe it or not, men seem to forget this fact about as often as we leave our dirty socks on the floor. One of the chief areas this is seen is the area of romance. Many men think that they can woo their wives by treating like men. We think that we can just snap our fingers or just jump right to physical intimacy without any regard for emotions.

Guys, this doesn’t work.

WE NEED TO KNOW THEM

Instead, what is right and what does work is understanding. Peter reminds husbands to live with their wives in an understanding (or knowledgeable) way (1 Pet. 3.7). Therefore, it is helpful to know what makes them tick. While I realize this task is virtually impossible to master it is possible to improve upon.

C.J. Mahaney once said something that really stuck with me, in reference to marital romance, “Before you touch her body, touch her heart and mind.” What is he saying? He is saying, you better not treat her like a guy! She is different. Therefore, if you know your wife, if you understand your wife, then you have got to do and say things that truly reach her heart.

Here are some suggestions.

THE KITCHEN SINK IS A PRETTY ROMANTIC PLACE

One of the ways husbands can do this is through service. I truly believe that some of the best romance in a marriage can happen at the kitchen sink. Instead of sitting around like a piece of furniture when you get home from work, husbands can go to the sink and help with the dishes or cleaning in the kitchen. As you are doing this you can talk about the day and serve by cleaning. Here you are entering into your wife’s world, listening, learning, and helping.

FACE TO FACE TIME IS INVALUABLE

Another way to learn your wife is to actually sit down and talk to her. And, talking while walking with your back turned or while checking the football score doesn’t count. I’m talking about eye to eye talking.

I should also stipulate that it is not always a good idea to talk all about yourself here. Remember you are trying to serve and learn your wife, therefore, listening and learning are good things to do. (Also be sensitive to your wife who loves you and wants to hear about you. Don’t be cryptic, nondescript, overly negative or prideful. Serve her by talking thoughtfully.)

One of the most treasured times in our evenings are when I get to sit and talk with Christie. When I get to hear her talk about her day and the various things the kids did. I am reminded of her love and sacrifice for them and she is reminded of my love for her and the children. This is a good and valuable time.

DATING THAT ENCOURAGES COMMUNICATION

Another way to learn is to go on dates with your wife. This is pretty obvious. However, a lot of guys take short cuts here. Too many guys are not thoughtful enough here. Going to movies, games, or double dates are fun but they don’t always deliver the level of communication and emotional intimacy that you may be after. If this is the extant of the dating, over the long haul, I don’t think it is going to really help the bottom line. Again, it works great for guys to hang out with one another but marriage requires a bit more thoughtful and intentional work.

BOTTOM LINE IS BEING THOUGHTFULLY INTENTIONAL

The bottom-line for guys is that we have got to be intentional in the romancing of our wives. We cannot become complacent or lazy. We cannot plateau or go backwards. It’s not an option.

One suggestion I have in addition to the above is to ask your wife how you are doing. Does she think you treat her like a guy? Does she think she is the most important person in the world to you? Does she feel like you know her? How does she rate your ability to romance her?

Listen, I don’t have this stuff all figured out. Trust me, these questions convict me too. But I know that my wife is worth it and I want her to feel and know she is loved. I trust many of you husbands can relate. Therefore, takes some time to think, chew on it, and then get to work. And if it’s helpful maybe you can punch me in the shoulder next time we bump into each other.

This post was written by Erik Raymond.  You can find the original post with comments here:  http://www.ordinarypastor.com/?p=10596


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.