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Choosing a woman's honor

5/6/2013

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When living in Europe, I was on a business trip kilometers away from Karyn, my wife.  Several of us went to a restaurant to have a meal.  Over time, the group dwindled down to me, a female colleague and two other men.  One of the men was dropping hints on the female saying that he wanted to see if her hotel room was bigger than his, to see her dog that she had back in her room, and other "seemingly" innocuous things.  

I excused myself for a moment and as I stepped out of the bathroom to head back to the table, the woman was standing there at the door.  She told me, "I don't know if you've noticed but "George" is hitting on me.  I am really uncomfortable with him doing that.  Could you make sure that I am not alone with him?"  

She and I had become fairly good friends, we both had similar supervisory positions in the same company and I was kind of mentoring her since she was new to the position.  I said to her, "what would you like me to do?"  She responded, "when we  back to the hotel (we were all staying at the same hotel), could you walk me to my room?  That will discourage George and he will get the message I don't want him in my room."  

I had no reason to believe that she had designs for me, but being a male with a big ego, I was taken aback for a moment.  I had to make a decision.  Which is more important at this moment?  To respect and honor my female friend's request and risk people thinking I went to her room or choose to not be alone with her and avoid even the appearance of evil? 

Do I choose to walk her to her hotel room and risk rumor or do I not so as to avoid any gossip?  Do I choose to honor her or protect my reputation?  It should be noted that she apparently did not have designs for me, she was wanting me to help send a message to a man who was engaging in  sexual innuendo.  

So, why the tire? Let me use this tire to illustrate the decision-making model.*  Imagine at the center  is my desire to please God in all that I do.  That is the axle  of this model.  Now, imagine this tire divided into three parts.  Each part representing the three goals of Ironstrikes. All of these goals are admirable and God-honoring.  However, I was now faced with my personal integrity or honoring a woman , a choice between two good, yet seemingly conflicting goals.  

This tire, separated into three parts, the three goals, is constantly on the move.  For the tire to sit still and lay flat on one goal results in an out of balance tire.  It will become flat if it doesn't rotate.  At times, one goal is hitting the ground, at other times, another goal is in play.  So, in following this illustration, no goal has precedence over the other.  In making this decision, I had to keep those three goals in mind with full consideration of the axle, pleasing God, as the central basis.  Pleasing God is what these goals revolve around.  

I told my female friend that I would be glad to walk her back to her hotel room.  As we went back to the table to conclude the conversation, I was praying about my decision and asking God for His wisdom.  "Lord,  did I make the right decision?  Is honoring my friend's request more important at this moment than protecting my reputation?"  The answer came pretty clearly.  

Now, lest you think I'm crazy, no, I didn't hear God's audible voice.  I felt a calm, a real peace at this decision and then in my head, God spoke thru my thoughts, in my own voice I heard, "You do what is right and I will protect your reputation."   

We dismissed ourselves and I walked her back to her room.  It was about a 15-minute walk.  We got to the hallway that led to her room and she thanked me and went to her room.  I then went to my room and called Karyn letting her know what happened so if she heard any rumors, she would know the truth.  

So what do you think?  Did I make the right decision?  You may be thinking, "Dale sure made a big deal out of nothing."  Maybe I did, maybe not.  However, I learned how little things can become big things.  I'm hoping that my example encourages you to be sensitive to God's leading in your life.

* I am indebted to my parents who devised this decision-making model.  I have altered it here to fit this illustration.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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What is your prayer life like?

4/16/2013

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I  was on the subway in Athens, Greece and a man across from me was swinging beads in his hands and talking to himself.   Being a licensed Mental Health Counselor, I thought the man might have schizophrenia or some type of anxiety disorder.  I watched him and realized that he was praying (or maybe not).

I asked around and found that he was using Greek prayer beads or "Kombolói."  I was able to purchase this set.  It is made out of camel bones and has a nice feel to it.    

When I was trying to find it, I described it as prayer beads.  However, I found out that most people don't use them to pray with . They are generally used to help people stop smoking or deal with anxious feelings.  I did find one or two people who acknowledged it could be used for prayer but "it is not used for that anymore."  

That last statement, "it is not used for that anymore," caused me to think about  my prayer life.  Do I pray rightly or do I just pray to ward off anxiety, kind of routinely without really understanding what I am doing?  Has my prayer life developed in a healthy fashion?

Prayer, at least the way that I understand it, is forging a lasting relationship with God.  It is a two-way relationship where I talk and listen and God talks and listens.  I have these conversations several times throughout my day.  I don't use flowery phrases or talk in Elizabethan English.  I imagine God sitting next to me and I just tell Him what I'm experiencing.   When God talks to me, I generally don't hear an audible voice but I hear Him inside my head speaking thru my thoughts.  I also notice, as I go thru my day, my wife will say something to which I talked to God about or a friend will say something similar to what I talked to God about.  Also, when I spend time in the Bible, what I am reading is super relevant to what I had just shared with God.  Other times, I hear God speaking thru things I read on the internet, books that I am reading or in my student's papers.  It's amazing, also, how many times my Pastor's sermon is spot on to what I have been talking to God about or listening from God about.

So, I don't want you thinking that I see God answering everywhere, a kind of God behind every burning bush idea.  There are days when I don't hear God speaking.  Jesus talked about that when He said that "wicked and adulterous people are always looking for a sign."  I live for those times when God reminds me of His love.  I also know that when I don't recognize God's working,  I can trust Him.  He has impeccable character and is faithful even when I am unfaithful.

So, I ask you.  What is your prayer life like?  How do you experience prayer?  

Do you pray just when things go bad or is your prayer life a relationship?
God is speaking to you, are you listening?


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Don't play dead

2/7/2013

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If you stumble into sin, believer, don't give up; don't allow hopelessness to consume you, the deceitfulness of sin to blind you, or the weight of shame to defeat you. In the morning and evening prayer we pray, in part, the following: "I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not fall" (Ps. 16:8). Christ is at your right hand, and this fall shall not be final for you; He took the final fall. 

Yes, you may feel as though your worst day has cast a shadow over you that will never break to show the light of day, but, happily, you're wrong. God, in Christ, has declared you to be righteous (2 Cor. 5:21). Of the righteous we read: "for though they fall seven times, they will rise again" (Prov. 24:16NRSV). You will rise, friend, because Christ will lift you up. He took the ultimate fall in order that you should rise. 

No one knows how many times I've had to encourage myself, thinking these thoughts, repeating the words of this post to myself. How I didn't play dead but arose from sin is a testimony to God's sheer grace. This post is as much an exhortation to myself as it is for anyone else experiencing difficulties or tragedies, whether self-caused or otherwise.

What do you do on the worst day of your life? Rise: not because you're inherently worthy of being named righteous. Rise because the one who took the ultimate fall declares you righteous. Rise because, though you sinned, though you deserve the fate of the wicked like the rest of us, there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1). 

But rise, too, because you neither honor the Lord nor serve the body of Christ by remaining fallen. Don't play dead, possum. In Christ you have been made alive (Col. 2:13). Play dead to your old, sinful nature or past. But in Christ, even when you sin, don't play dead -- don't remain defeated. In Him you are more than one who has conquered all spiritually negative realities (Rom. 8:37). "So if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God" (Col. 3:1 NRSV). 

You can avoid re-offending others by rising, and thinking healthy, spiritual thoughts: "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" (Phil. 4:8). All offenses begin with thoughts. We are instructed to destroy arguments raised up against the knowledge of God. 

But the apostle Paul also added, "We destroy arguments and every proud obstacle raised up against the knowledge of God" (2 Cor. 10:5 NRSV, emphasis added). How many thoughts rise up against the reality of God's holy existence and righteous standards? We are taught to destroy such thoughts, to take them captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). 

I picture such thoughts as personified. I imagine capturing them, putting them into a prison cell, while Christ stands watch over them as Guard. If I fail to do so, then I may entertain such thoughts, have them affect me emotionally, and then obey them. When I obey them, I sin. "But one is tempted by one's own desire, being lured and enticed by it; then, when that desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and that sin, when it is fully grown, gives birth to death. Do not be deceived, my beloved" (James 1:15-16 NRSV). 

But when you sin, no matter the degree, take it immediately to Christ. "If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9 NRSV). Don't let sin drag you into a hopeless, despondent, dejected place, out of which you feel impossible to escape. By His grace and forgiveness you rise up, and you keep rising up. You don't rise up only once. You will need to rise up every time you fall. 

More than that, you will need to rise up every time you think about a past fall. Such thoughts about your past have a tendency to paralyze you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Paralyzed, you will play dead. No: in Christ you must rise up from the guilt of your past. Though you fall seven times a day, you will rise -- you must rise (Prov. 24:16). 

The Lord foreknew every sin you would ever commit when He by grace through faith in Christ saved your soul. You don't ever take Him by surprise by any thought, desire, or action. In Christ He has already declared you holy, sanctified (set apart from the world and for His service and care), and righteous. You don't let Him down because you don't hold Him up.

You are becoming more and more like Christ (Rom. 8:29), slow as such may seem, and your heavenly Father understands completely all of your eccentricities, particularities, and unique qualities. This is how, you see, you keep on rising. Give your defeats to the One who defeated sin, death, and hell (1 Cor. 15:56-57; 1 John 3:8). Give your hopelessness to the God of hope (Rom. 15:13). Whatever you do, don't play dead, possum, but rise.    

This post was written by William Watson Birch.  You can find the original post with comments here:       http://www.classicalarminian.com/2013/01/saturday-devotion-dont-play-dead.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Triggered by dreams

9/12/2012

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Dreams are odd.  In dreams we can fly, shape shift, transmogrify, meet people that we admire and also be turned on sexually.   There is also a psychological technique called "lucid dreaming" where one learns the techniques to manipulate dreams.

Men, when they are teens, experience "wet dreams" that are usually intensely sexual.  So, men have a history from early in their lives of connecting dreams to sexual arousal.  Many of the men that I counsel tell me that their dreams often trigger their sexual acting out.  

How does one handle sexual dreams?  Often they are not under our conscious control.  So, are we responsible for our dreams?  Are we responsible for our acting out sexually when aroused by a dream?  How does one stay pure, even while sleeping?

You are VERY responsible if you practice lucid dreaming.  If you purposely manipulate your dreams, then you will be accountable for such.  

However, there are things that one can do to try and keep one's dreams from turning too sexual:

1.  Pay attention to what you think about while you are falling asleep.  
2.  Memorize scripture that you can repeat in your mind while falling asleep.  Philippians 4:8 is a scripture that is made for just such an occasion.  Proverbs 4:23 and Malachi 2:15  are excellent as well.
3.  Pray while you are falling asleep.  This is a great time to talk to God.
4.  In your prayer, ask God to protect your mind while you sleep.  God can do that, if you learn to count on His faithfulness.
5.  Pay attention to what you watch on TV, in the theatre and on the internet, especially right before you go to sleep.  You may have to take the TV out of your bedroom.  Dreams often are an amalgamation of our daily experiences. 
6.  If you work with a professional counselor, you can dissect your dreams to help understand them a little bit.  Even though a dream may be sexual, the core of the dream may also be something that y0u need to confront in yourself.

If you wake up sexually aroused from a dream, what can you do to prevent acting out?

1.  Urinate.  Many times an erection is simply the result of a full bladder.
2.  Read something non-sexual.  Opening God's Word and talking to God about what you are physically feeling is way of strengthening your relationship with HIm and beating temptation.
3.  Call a member of your accountability group.
4.  Take a cold shower.
5.  Stay away from TV and the Internet while you are aroused.
6.  Do not recreate the dream in your mind.  Distract yourself by thinking in a pure manner.

So, even though your dreams are often not under your conscious control, you can control what you watch and think throughout the day.  God is faithful.  If you ask Him for His assistance in this area, He will help.  Also, arousal does not mean that you have to do something sexual.  You can choose to act out or you can choose not to act out.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Forty reasons to avoid porn

8/24/2012

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Over my 24 years of pastoral ministry, I’ve had the occasion to work with multiplied hundreds of men who struggle on a regular basis with the snare of pornography.

I often say that the hardest thing about the Christian life is that it is so daily.   I have learned that the  hardest thing about the battle with lust and pornography is that it is so hourly.  

Yet,  the battle can be won – one life, one day. one hour, one decision and one thought at a time.

Titus 2:11-12 challenges us to recognize that that grace of God instructs us to “deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age.”  One of the ways we experience this grace is by recognizing the positive power of pure choices.  

In my book, Think Before You Look – Avoiding the Consequences of Secret Temptation I present forty chapters, each presenting positive reasons to avoid the snare of pornography.  Here they are in summary as a positive dose of pure prevention.

1.
 I fully enjoy the pleasure of my love relationship with Christ.

2. I fulfill my true identity as a child of God.

3. I experience God's provision of empowering grace.

4. I enjoy my freedom in Christ to its fullest.

5. I avoid a life-pattern of deception.

6. I cultivate a soft and sensitive conscience.

7. I turn away from the solicitation of harlots in my heart.

8. I refuse the temptation of idolatry.

9. I prove to be a faithful steward of my money.

10. I prove to be a faithful steward of my time.

11. I abstain from any promotion and support of the pornography industry.

12. I preserve God’s gift of loving sexual expression for its intended purpose.

13. I protect the purity and power of my God-given imagination.

14. I develop disciplined character.

15. I guard the integrity of my Christian testimony.

16. I promote health and harmony in the body of Christ.

17. I cultivate a stronger resistance to future interpersonal sexual sin.

18. I nurture the proper biblical view of the sanctity of womanhood.

19. I relate to women as equals and persons of ultimate worth.

20. I learn to live in reality rather than fantasy.

21. I steer clear of unnecessary personal guilt and shame.

22. I cultivate a lifestyle of contentment and satisfaction.

23. I experience the blessing of living as a servant

24. I learn the relational skills of authentic intimacy.

25. I avoid future mental, emotional and spiritual scars on my life.

26. I experience the joy of the Christian life.

27. I lay up eternal rewards.

28. I learn to deal with the causes of my problems rather than treating symptoms.

29. I prevent potential temptations for others in my sphere of influence.

30. I honor the trust and prayer support of those who have invested in my spiritual life.


If I am married: 


31. I avoid adultery in my heart.

32. I encourage my wife's trust.

33. I honor my vow of marital purity and faithfulness.

34. I keep my marriage union pure from fantasies of other women.

35. I communicate acceptance and honor toward my wife.

36. I avoid the pathway that could easily result in infidelity.


If I have children:


37. I minimize the risk of my children being exposed to pornography.

38. I model strong and genuine moral values for my children.

39. I avoid embarrassing and embittering my children.

40. I encourage all of the above positive qualities in their lives.


This post is written by Daniel Henderson.  The original post can be found here: http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-how-to/150646-40-positive-reasons-to-avoid-porn.html/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Sunday Meditation

5/20/2012

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And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Sometimes it feels like our hearts are breaking.

And sometimes we worry that we will lose our minds.

Both our hearts and our minds need protection.

When we let go of the defenses that have protected us for so long, and we allow ourselves to be honest and vulnerable, it sometimes feels like we will 'come apart'. In these moments can find courage in God's promise of protection. God's peace can guard our breaking hearts and our troubled minds.

Notice that God's guardianship of our heart and mind is 'in Christ Jesus'. It is in Jesus that we see most clearly that God is 'for' us. God can be trusted to guard us because God cares about us. It is in Jesus that we see most clearly that God understands the dangers to our hearts and minds. God can be trusted to guard us because God knows from personal experience the dangers we face. It is in Jesus that we see most clearly God's power. God can be trusted to guard our hearts and minds because God has the resources to do what needs to be done.

The peace of God is not a 'blissed out' euphoria that helps us minimize or ignore our problems. God's peace does not participate in denial. This peace is not another Novocain, another 'fix' to alter our mood. It is the gentle guard that protects us so that we can face reality. It is the security that comes from knowing that God pays attention, that we are not forgotten, that God is with us, that we are loved.

Guard my breaking heart today, Lord.
Guard my troubled mind.
Let your peace do its work in me, Lord.
because I am in danger and I need your protection.
Guard me with your peace today.
Guard my heart and mind.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

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