Blog Archives - IRONSTRIKES

Wussification - No playing tag

9/30/2015

A Washington state school district has banned the game of tag for kids at recess, citing student safety.

"[W]hile at play, especially during recess and unstructured time, students are expected to keep their hands to themselves. The rationale behind this is to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students," Mercer Island School District communications director Mary Grady told local news station Q13Fox on Wednesday.
Parents weren't impressed.

"Good grief, our kids need some unstructured playtime," Kelsey Joyce told the station. Melissa Neher said, "I played tag. I survived." Still another parent noted that now her son walks around chatting about video games during recess, rather than getting more vigorous exercise.

Community members created a Facebook group, STAR MI ("Support Tag At Recess in Mercer Island"), to protest the decision. "Tag and other child led games encourage independence and much needed activity," says the group's description.

Superintendent Gary Plano brought up the backlash to the new "hands-off" rule at a school board meeting Thursday, according to the Mercer Island Reporter.

"It's regretful that what seemed to be a well-intentioned desire to help protect kids has taken a life of its own," said Plano, announcing that he would form a committee that would gather parents' feedback.

In 2013, New Hampshire elementary school officials received similar criticisms when they banned tag, arguing that kids were "tagging" each other with too much force and running around without looking where they were going.

"Tag is one of the oldest playground games anywhere," parent Bill Chisholm said at the time. "To ban tag is just ridiculous."

Tag is not the only common childhood activity under attack. Schools nationwide have banned hugging, dodgeball and competitive games in general. Several schools in the United Kingdom have even prohibited the concept of "best friends."

This post was written by H. Hanson of The Huffington Post. You can find the original post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/playing-tag-ban-mercer-island_5605588ce4b0768126fd284e

Christians using the "F" word?

9/29/2015

Recently, rushing late to my son's orthodontic appointment, I missed a critical left turn. Much to my surprise, I exhaled a "bad" word by our family's standards. (Please understand, dental receptionists don't suffer tardiness lightly, and my punctuality track record isn't strong.)

"Dad!" exclaimed my children.

"What?" I stammered, feigning innocence, and adding the sin of deception to strong language.

Apparently my mother was right all along. One sin leads to another. And we shouldn't use bad words.

Except … it's cool these days to be a Christian who swears. It gives the curser an "I'm into Jesus, but I'm not legalistic" badge. A recent tweet about a behavioral study that linked swearing and honesty went viral among my church friends (although no one could produce a link to the actual study). Many of these friends point to the arbitrariness of the cuss-word system.

"What if table was a swear word?" asked my daughter. "Or elbow?"

She has a point. There is something absurd about the designation of particular words as profane. And yet, neither table nor elbow is in the curse category, and the majority of swear words have earned their designation according to a certain logic. Other than words associated with deity, most profanity involves associations with biological function in the areas of sexuality and waste elimination. The God-related curses are right off the table, if one takes the third commandment seriously at all. But what is a Christian to do with the remaining "strong language"?

All language is a kind of social contract. We agree—as heirs of centuries of etymological development—to call the pointy thing in our arm an elbow, just like we agree to label things we find despicable with words we identify as profane. The words themselves hold only the power we give them. But curse words tend to be powerful indeed, because to linguistically reduce something or someone to the level of biological functions (and their resultant products) is almost always an act of contempt. And contempt is toxic.

In his book Blink, Malcolm Gladwell describes the work of psychologist John Gottman. In Gottman's lab, spouses were asked to discuss something mildly contentious while sensors recorded their physiological responses. After years of studying the nuances of these exchanges, Gottman became startlingly successful at predicting which couples would divorce. The most telling indicators, he claims, are expressions of contempt. An eye roll or a mildly disdainful put-down was more worrisome than outright conflict. In fact, the presence of contempt in a marriage affects not only the survival of the relationship, but even the immune systems of the parties involved; spouses who live with chronic contempt get more colds than those who don't.

Contempt is a mixture of anger and disgust, expressed from a position of superiority. It denigrates, devalues, and dismisses. It's not hard to understand why even subtle levels of contempt are damaging—not only in marriages but in all human interaction.

If profane language has a privileged place in the lexicon of contempt, then Christians have a unique mandate to avoid profanity. It's not that abstaining from pejorative language outfits us with some holier-than-thou halo. It's that we are called to live with a servant's heart, affirming the dignity of every human and the sacredness of existence.

Theologian John Stackhouse points out that our primary vocation as Christ followers is not to "stay pure," but rather to cultivate shalom. From Isaiah's picture of a wolf living peacefully with a lamb (11:6), to Paul's description of a new reality that obliterates racial, socioeconomic, and gender-based power structures (Gal. 3:28), the biblical vision of shalom dissolves any notion of hierarchy. All of creation joyfully submits to the beautiful rule of its Creator. There's no room for one creature to hold another creature (or creation itself) in contempt; God alone occupies a superior plane.

Of course, it's possible to religiously avoid disdainful language while being seized with contemptuous thoughts. But, as the Book of James reminds us, our tongues are like rudders to the ships of our thought lives. Taming our language, in other words, is a good place to start.

And so I am trying to avoid language that expresses contempt towards people, situations, and yes, even traffic lights that dare to defy my will. Such an endeavor goes beyond comedian George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television"—even the most innocuous words, if uttered from a contemptuous heart, can mutate into curses. Conversely, certain evils can indeed be worthy of contempt and there are times when "adult language" is appropriate. But in every case, our words should reflect our calling to participate in hallowing, rather than profaning, the world. If it's truly strong language that we're after—language with power and impact—what could be stronger than the language we use to cultivate shalom?

This post was written by C Arends from Christianity Today. You can find her original post here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2013/april/what.html

A conversation about swearing...

9/28/2015

Here at Ironstrikes, we have had posts about swearing. We have discussed the justification of POD to swear in their album Murdered Love. We have also had a guest post by The Seeking Disciple who gave three reasons why he no longer swears.

I was recently in a Facebook conversation in a theology discussion room and the conversation was heading pretty much to the idea that to prohibit swearing was a form of legalism. Some even stated that swearing showed people that you were a Christian who could relate to "normal" people. (My contention is that Christianity is what is normal, that the world is "abnormal.")

However, I was pleasantly encouraged by a gentleman named "Mason Calloway" who pretty much put an end to the conversation. And....Mason did it in a godly fashion. Mason said that I could reprint his statement here, unedited, written exactly as he posted:

I would be wary of using profanity (speaking of good things as if they are not good) or cursing (expressing the desire that something be damned), even in informal contexts. For cursing, the Christian should not allow himself to become angry enough to want to damn something. And "damn" need not be literal. When you hit your thumb with a hammer, whatever comes out of your mouth, whether G**Dammit, F*ck, or something else, the emotion you're expressing is "oh this thing that just happened can go right straight to hell." We should take what we are given, even suffering, in stride. And certainly, we should never damn people or creation. (Not that our words have power to do so, but the Christian should not entertain the desire for such to be the case).

And in cases of profanity, the goal should be to always show proper reverence for the good. We don't talk about the intimate moments with our wives in the street because the intimacy of that relationship is a holy thing. Likewise the sexual act in general should not be debased with crass euphemism. In short, we should act like the nobility and priests that we are, our words are not to be worthless.

And now, story time. I was working on a carpentry project with my church and it happened that I was the only person there under 50. The other 5 or so men there were the elders of our church (currently serving and off-rotation). It was a delight to be with these men, in part because they had been friends for years. They had the same collection of stories and inside jokes which any group of friends have. It was a joy to laugh with them. But, even when discussion strayed to their wives, their demeanor, no matter how much we were laughing, was one of respect.

The next day it was just me and two other elders at the work site. I was outside cutting boards (like a proper man) while the two elders were inside nailing a frame together. In a moment of ill attention, one of the elders shot the other in the hand with the nail gun they were using. Two inches of the nail sank into his palm down toward his wrist. The shot elder didn't cuss, didn't even shout. He pulled the nail out of his hand, finished hammering up the frame, and put a bandaid on it once they were done with the last couple of nails.

If that doesn't sound like a more manly and impressive way to handle pain than shouting out S**t, I don't know what could.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Sunday Meditation

9/27/2015

Sabbath as the Day of Rest and Hope

The Sabbath or Lord's day is the day for man to rest in, and that, in the cessation from his ordinary labors, he may receive and be nourished by the truth, it is the day also for God to work in, in order that the truth may be communicated. God has a great message for his rebellious people; the message of life through his Son. But on the other days of the week, when their hands and their hearts are occupied with other things, it is difficult to obtain a hearing. It is on the Sabbath day, especially and emphatically, that this great message is communicated; — a message which involves in its results, not only the salvation of the soul, but equal rights among men, the emancipation of the enslaved, the, cessation of war, the progress of humanity and civilization, and universal brotherhood. All other forms of legitimate emancipation are necessarily involved in the emancipation of the soul from guilt and sin. Destroy the Lord's day, and you necessarily close the communications of God, which have relation to these great objects. You close the communications, because you take away the necessary opportunities for hearing them. He, therefore, who does anything on the Sabbath, which tends to interrupt the communication between God and men, by perplexing the operations of him who speaks or by diverting the attention of those who listen, does that which is inappropriate to the day.

The Sabbath is, in some respects, the great, the cheering hope of the human race. It is emphatically the day of the poor, the suffering, the enslaved, the prisoner. Without it, the poor man would scarcely have hope; laboring, as he would then be obliged to do, without cessation, and yet without additional emolument; — the slave, who experiences rest, and receives instruction on this day, would find his state of bondage more trying and distressing than ever; — the ignorant man, who greatly needs knowledge, would find many important avenues of knowledge closed to him; and the evils and sufferings which afflict our race would be, in various ways, greatly increased.

We may, perhaps, admit that the Sabbath, considered in its relations to the human race, was made for the unholy rather than for the holy. That is to say, the holy man, who has a perpetual Sabbath in his soul, could, perhaps, do without it, while the unholy man could not. But then it is to be remembered, that no man can properly be regarded as a truly religious or holy person, who has not a disposition to cooperate with God. Our great business is, to stand in union with him, who here and everywhere unfolds our destiny. If, therefore, it is the design of God to benefit men, especially the degraded and the sinful, through the medium of the Sabbath, it is justly expected of all who regard God's will and are like him, that they will observe and honor the Sabbath day. They cannot be united with him in spirit, without being united with him in the observance of this important institution; sympathizing in its objects, fulfilling its duties, and rejoicing in the hopes it inspires.

Edited from A Treatise on Divine Union (1851) Part 7, Chapter 5 by Thomas Cogswell Upham. His blog is managed by Craig L Adams and can be found here: http://thomascupham.blogspot.com

Talking about sex

9/26/2015

Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together. Matthew 19:6

How is your sex life?

That’s a fair question, isn’t it? After all, sexuality is not a given, something that somehow miraculously takes care of itself once we enter marriage. It needs nurture, tenderness, education and—are you ready for this—religion.

It’s a fact.

Religion, according to some studies, is good for your sex life. As strange as it may sound, there is a strong link in marriage between spirituality and sexuality.

Married couples who cultivate spiritual intimacy are far more likely to report higher satisfaction with their sex life than other couples.

This fact makes sense if you think about it. The mysteries, wonders, and pleasures of sex in marriage are a divine gift to celebrate. Those who try to limit sex to procreation are simply ignoring the Bible.

Scripture — right from the beginning — enthusiastically affirms sex within the bonds of marriage.

Start with the first chapter of the Bible. It contains a magnificent comment on the meaning of sexuality in marriage. As God is bringing the universe into existence we are told that the human creation is set apart from all others, for it is the imago Dei, the image of God: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them” (Gen. 1:27).

Our maleness and femaleness is not just an accidental arrangement of the human species. Our male and female sexuality is related to our creation in the image of God.

This point is echoed throughout scripture.

And Jesus certainly underscores a high view of sex in marriage when he refers to the Genesis passage and then adds, “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matt. 19:6).

In the Old Testament and in the New Testament, in the Gospels and in the Epistles, is found the call to celebrate sexuality in marriage. There is no denying that your spiritual growth helps to enhance your sexual intimacy in marriage.

So, we’ll ask it again. How’s your sex life? We don’t need you to tell us (really, we don’t). But it’s an important question to ask each other from time to time.

This post was written by Drs Les & Leslie Parrott. For them at www.lesandleslie.com

Porn kills love

9/25/2015

In real life, real love requires a real person. Research has found that after men are exposed to pornography, they rate themselves as less in love with their partner than men who didn’t see any porn. On top of that, another study found that after being exposed to pornographic images, people were more critical of their partner’s appearance, sexual curiosity, sexual performance, and displays of affection.Pornographers pretend that what they’re selling is Love 2.0. It’s like love, they say, but easier.

You see, in real life, real love requires a real person. And a real person has thoughts and ideas and talents. Maybe they’re quirky and fun to be around; maybe they’re a great listener and always take time to hear how you’re feeling; or maybe they’re awesome at karaoke and being with them gives you the courage to get on stage too. Every person is a unique mix, and it’s that awesome blend that we fall in love with.

Of course, pornographers can’t offer any of that, so instead they capitalize on the fact that the real people that real love requires come with some complications. In real life, there’s a chance your partner will be having a bad day or a bad hair day. Maybe they’re tired or under a deadline, so they don’t have time to do exactly what you want. And they have needs of their own that need to be considered.

In porn, all of that can get edited out: any physical flaws can be quickly Photoshopped away; no matter what’s happening to them, the people on screen can be made to look like they’re having a good time; and no one seems to have any needs of their own, opinions, or feelings to consider. Besides, if anyone fails to immediately satisfy, there’s always someone new to click to.

Doesn’t sound much like real life or real love does it? Here’s the thing: not only is porn a fantasy, but it also makes it harder for users to have real loving relationships.

Why? Because just like many other multibillion dollar industries, pornographers feed viewers completely unrealistic expectations in order to keep customers coming back. Real love isn’t any more like what happens in porn than the average Marlboro smoker is like a 6’ 9” cowboy. But it works out well for pornographers since the more porn a viewer watches, the more their real relationships don’t seem exciting enough, which gives them a reason to turn back to porn. And the more they watch porn, the more likely they are to be indoctrinated with porn’s version of how relationships should go.

Since porn often portrays women as nothing more than sex objects that need to be dominated, it’s not surprising that porn users often start seeing real women that way as well. In one study of porn’s effects, researchers broke participants up into three groups: to one they showed a high amount of pornography, one a medium amount, and the third a lower amount, and then followed with questions about what participants thought about women. Results showed that the more porn a man was exposed to, the more likely he was to prefer that women be submissive and subordinate to men. Since most women in our culture are taught to expect love to be built on equality and mutual respect, seeing women as subordinate isn’t exactly a great start to lasting love.

For those lucky enough to have found a special someone, using porn can take things downhill fast. Research has found that after men are exposed to pornography, they rate themselves as less in love with their partner than men who didn’t see any porn. On top of that, another study found that after being exposed to pornographic images, people were more critical of their partner’s appearance, sexual curiosity, sexual performance, and displays of affection.

Over time, those who consistently use porn often may even lose interest in finding love altogether. Frequent porn use is associated with feeling cynical about love in general, less trust in romantic partners, and with feeling like marriage is confining.

Porn doesn’t do any favors for the user’s partner, either. Since so much of men’s porn is only about what the man wants while ignoring anything about what’s good for a woman or a relationship, wives and girlfriends often end up feeling like their partner doesn’t really value them. Many partners of porn users end up depressed, anxious, and feeling like they can never measure up.

Of course, pornographers don’t bother to mention any of this. Part of porn’s fantasy is that a person can live in both worlds—that they can create a real, loving relationship, but also bring in thousands of other sexual partners as long as those partners are kept behind a computer screen. In reality, a porn habit can take a serious toll on a person’s ability to offer someone real, unselfish, meaningful love—which often means that in the end, they’re left without much more than what’s behind that computer screen.

This post is taken from the website, http://www.fightthenewdrug.org

Citations to support the statements in this post are available upon request.

Porn is full of lies

9/24/2015

In porn, everything from the way people look to how and why they have sex is a lie. Porn users often get so obsessed with chasing something that isn’t real that they miss out on actual relationships. Back in the 1950s, two researchers, Dr. Nikolaas Tinbergen and Dr. D. Magnus, played a trick on butterflies. After figuring out which marks on female butterfly wings were most eye-catching to their mates, they created their own cardboard butterflies and painted them to look like super-females. Their wing patterns were based on the wings of normal butterflies, but with more exciting marks than would ever be found in nature.

And the butterflies fell for it. Even though real female butterflies were around and available, the males kept trying to partner with the cardboard versions. It wasn’t getting them what they wanted—which was the chance to mate—but they had been tricked, so they ignored the real females and kept trying to charm the decoys.

Any of this sound familiar?

In porn, everything from the way people look to how and why they have sex is no more real than Tinbergen’s cardboard wings. And just like the butterflies that got duped, porn users often get so obsessed with chasing something that isn’t real that they miss out on actual relationships.

Thanks to teams of plastic surgeons and some help from Photoshop, the women in porn don’t offer anything close to a realistic picture of what women in real life look like—particularly since we all get older, but pornographic images never age. As a result, people that are regularly exposed to porn are more likely than others to feel poorly about how they look. And after looking at even softcore porn, users feel worse about how their partner looks.

And the fiction is more than skin deep. In most porn, a person is only worth the sum of their body parts; it doesn’t matter whether they’re funny or smart, kind or interesting. All they are is a tool for sex. It shouldn’t be a big surprise then that when teens watch or see sexual media, both boys and girls have stronger notions of women being sex objects.

Even sex itself gets completely warped. A typical 45 minute porn flick takes three days of filming to produce, but leaves the viewer with the impression that everything they just watched happened without a break. Porn also makes it look like no matter what a man does, the woman he’s with is thrilled, even though the majority of sexual acts shown are degrading or violent.

It can be tempting to think that porn is just one kind of sexual experience, not better or worse than any other sexual experience. After all, it can feel pretty similar. But our senses can be deceiving.

Let’s say, for example, that you just got done with a 10 mile run on a hot day. You come inside and there are two glasses of water on the kitchen table. One is regular water from the tap; the other is salt water. Both look the same. Both are water. But while one glass will hydrate your body, the other will leave you more dehydrated than before. And over time, while regular water will keep you alive, drinking only salt water would kill you faster than if you drank nothing at all.

It’s the same with real relationships and porn. Why? Because porn is chock full of ideas and beliefs that are completely opposite of what real relationships, real sex, and real love are like. Healthy relationships are built on equality, honesty, respect, and love. But in porn, it’s the reverse; interactions are based on domination, disrespect, abuse, violence, and detachment.

Even the experience of using porn is the opposite of what real romantic relationships are like. A real romantic relationship is about being with a person and falling in love with them; it’s about emotional connection and trust. In real relationships you can feel a person there, you can smell them and hear them laugh. The physical pleasure of sex is connected to sharing a whole relationship. With porn, however, sex is about being alone, watching other people do things. It’s about constantly searching for something new, constantly being shocked and surprised.

The more a person buys into the porn experience and its ideas, the harder it will be for them to have a real loving relationship (See Porn Kills Love)—or even a real sex life (See Porn Ruins Your Sex Life).

Just like the butterflies learned, porn is not only deceiving, but it can also keep us from having the real relationships porn is trying to imitate (See Porn Kills Love). Turns out dating a piece of cardboard isn’t all that great.

This post is taken from the website, http://www.fightthenewdrug.org

Citations to support the statements in this post are available upon request.

Porn ruins your sex life

9/23/2015

Porn often leads to less sex and less satisfying sex. And for many users, porn can eventually mean no sex at all. Porn promises a virtual world filled with sex—more sex, better sex. What it doesn’t mention, however, is that the further a user goes into that fantasy world, the more likely their reality is to become just the opposite. Porn often leads to less sex and less satisfying sex. And for many users, porn eventually means no sex at all.

It doesn’t take much porn for things to start heading downhill. In one of the most comprehensive studies on porn use ever conducted, researchers found that after being exposed to softcore sexual material, both men and women were significantly less happy with their partner’s looks, willingness to try new sex acts, and sexual performance. Even being exposed to porn just once can make people feel less in love with their significant other.

Why? Because when a person is watching porn, the sexual roadmaps in their brain are being redrawn. When a person has a sexual experience that feels good, their brain creates a map to get them back there (See Porn Changes the Brain). And since our brains like novelty, brain maps that lead to something new and exciting are rewarded with an extra dose of brain chemicals that make us feel good while strengthening those brain pathways.

Here’s the catch: our brain maps are either use it or lose it. Just like a hiking trail will start to grow over if its not getting walked on, brain pathways that don’t get traffic start to get weaker. So when a person starts looking at porn, they first create and then strengthen brain pathways linking feeling aroused with images of porn. Meanwhile the pathways connecting arousal with things like seeing, touching, or cuddling with their partner aren’t getting used. Pretty soon, natural turn-ons aren’t enough, and many porn users find they can’t get aroused by anything but porn.

For teens, it gets even scarier. Many teens never have the chance to learn what a healthy relationship is like before porn starts teaching them its version—which is typically filled with violence, domination, infidelity, and abuse. Since most people aren’t too excited about the idea of being in an abusive relationship, teens that have gotten their sex ed from porn often find that they struggle to connect with real romantic partners and that they don’t know how to be turned on by anything other than images on a screen. As biologist Gary Wilson said, “Using porn is more than just training for the wrong sport. It’s replacing these guys’ ability to play the sport they really want to learn.”

Beliefs and feelings aren’t the only things that change, either. For a skyrocketing number of male porn users, it becomes blindingly clear that there’s a problem when they realize they can no longer have real sex at all.

Thirty years ago, when a man developed erectile dysfunction (ED), it was almost always because he was getting older, usually past 40, and as his body aged, his blood vessels would get blocked, making it harder to maintain an erection. Chronic ED in anyone under 35 was nearly unheard of.

But those were the days before Internet porn. These days, online message boards are flooded with complaints from porn users in their teens and 20s complaining that they can’t maintain an erection. But for this kind of ED, the problem isn’t in the penis—it’s in the brain.

Erections are powered by chemicals in the brain’s reward center (See Porn Is Like a Drug] that are released when a guy sees, hears, smells, or feels something that turns him on. The problem for porn users is that they’ve hijacked their reward center by using porn to get it to overload on these chemicals. As a result, the user’s brain responds by cutting down on the amount of pleasure chemicals it produces and stops responding as well to the chemicals that are being released. It’s like when you’re standing next to a fire alarm that goes off; it’s too much noise so you cover your ears. That’s what porn user’s brains are doing. When chemical levels are too high, the brain fights back by blocking some of the flood of chemicals released.

On top of that, porn users have wired their brain to get aroused by sitting alone in a room looking at virtual images rather than connecting arousal to being with a real person.

Due to their lowered sexual response and altered brain pathways, many porn users find they just can’t get excited enough to maintain an erection without porn; and for many users, over time, even porn isn’t enough.

This post is taken from the website, http://www.fightthenewdrug.org

Citations to support the statements in this post are available upon request.

Porn hurts your partner

9/22/2015

Several studies have found that partners of porn users often report feeling loss, betrayal, mistrust, devastation, and anger when they learn that the other half of their committed relationship has been using porn. Many show physical symptoms of anxiety and depression. Here’s an inconvenient truth: While porn is something users can choose to do on their own, that use doesn’t just affect them—it affects their partner too, and not for the better. Two of the most respected pornography researchers, professors Jennings Bryant and Dolf Zillman at the University of Alabama, who have studied the effects of porn and media for more than 30 years, said that when it comes to porn use “no rigorous research demonstrations of desirable effects can be reported.” In other words, in all the serious research that’s been done on porn, no one has found that it has any benefits. What several studies have found, however, is that porn use can cause serious damage not only to the user, but also to those closest to them—especially their partner.

Studies have shown that even casual use of porn can cause the user to feel less attracted to their partner. And when a person frequently uses pornography, they’re far more likely to feel less satisfied with their partner’s looks, sexual performance, and willingness to try new sexual acts.

Why all the sudden disappointment with one’s partner? It’s likely due to the fact that porn promotes a completely fictional version of how people look and behave (See Porn Is a Lie), and makes it look like an exciting reality—one that their partners often feel they can never live up to.

Given that the women depicted in porn are surgically enhanced, air-brushed, and photoshopped, it’s not hard to see why, according to a national poll, that only one in seven women doesn’t think that porn has raised men’s expectations of how women should look.

And it’s not only looks that are being depicted with unrealistic standards. In almost all porn, sex is all about men; women are depicted as being happy with whatever a man wants to do, even if it’s dangerous, painful, or humiliating. A study of the most popular porn videos found that nine scenes out of 10 showed women being verbally or physically abused, yet the female victims almost always responded with either pleasure or appeared to be neutral. In even the most mainstream porn, the sex acts shown are overwhelmingly degrading toward women, and are usually geared toward enhancing male pleasure. As a result, male porn users’ ideas of what sex should be are often warped and their partners often report that they are asked to act out porn scripts or do things they’re not comfortable with or find demeaning.

In interviews with college-age women, writer Naomi Wolf has found that in sexual relationships, women frequently feel that “they can never measure up, that they can never ask for what they want.”

And the emotional pain can run much deeper than having a bad experience in the bedroom. Since women in our culture typically expect their intimate relationships to be built on trust, respect, honesty, and love, when a woman learns that her partner is using porn—which typically glorifies the opposite: disrespect, abuse, aggression, and infidelity—it can not only damage the trust she has in her partner, but also shake the foundation of everything she believed about her relationship.

That pain can have very serious consequences. Several studies have found that women often report feeling loss, betrayal, mistrust, devastation, and anger when they learn that their partner in a committed relationship has been using porn. Many women show physical symptoms of anxiety and depression. Some show signs of PTSD, and some even become suicidal.

To make matters worse, the majority of women who learn of a partner’s pornography use isolate themselves at least somewhat from their normal sources of social support, just when they need those support systems most. In many cases, women fear telling anyone at all, either because they’re embarrassed about it or they’re afraid of being blamed for their partner’s problem.

For many partners, the blame can even come from themselves. One study of women in relationships with porn addicts found that while the women often felt their partner was uncaring or selfish, they also worried that somehow the problem was their fault. And for many of the women, their partner’s porn use made them feel like the entire relationship was a complete farce.

This post is taken from the website, http://www.fightthenewdrug.org

Citations to support the statements in this post are available upon request.

Porn leads to loneliness

9/21/2015

The more pornography a person consumes the harder it becomes for them to be aroused by a real person or a real relationship. As a result, many users start feeling like something’s wrong with them; they don’t know how to be turned on by a real person, much less form a deep personal connection with one.From a business perspective, the porn industry has a pretty clever racket going. Their product offers users temporary relief from anxiety, depression, and loneliness in exchange for making these same problems much worse in the long-term. That works out really well for pornographers, since the worse their customers’ anxiety and isolation grow, the more reason they have to turn back to porn. But for the user, the end result isn’t nearly so nice.

“Any time [a person] spends much time with the usual pornography usage cycle, it can’t help but be a depressing, demeaning, self-loathing kind of experience,” says Dr. Gary Brooks, a psychologist who has worked with porn addicts for the last 30 years.

The more pornography a person consumes, the more their brain connects being aroused with porn’s fictional fantasy (See Porn Changes the Brain)—and the harder it becomes for them to be aroused by a real person or a real relationship (See Porn Ruins Your Sex Life).

As a result, many users start feeling like something’s wrong with them; they don’t know how to be turned on by a real person, much less form a deep personal connection with one.

Naomi Wolf, an author and political activist, has traveled all over the country to talk with college students about relationships. “When I ask about loneliness, a deep, sad silence descends on audiences of young men and young women alike,” she says. “They know they are lonely together … and that [porn] is a big part of that loneliness. What they don’t know is how to get out.”

Studies have found that when people engage in an ongoing pattern of “self-concealment,”—which is when they do things they’re not proud of and keep them a secret from their friends and family members—it not only hurts their relationships and leaves them feeling lonely, but also makes them more vulnerable to severe psychological problems. For both male and female porn users, their habit is often accompanied by problems with anxiety, body-image issues, poor self-image, relationship problems, insecurity, and depression.

Porn teaches that both men and women aren’t worth anything more than the sum of their body parts and how much sexual pleasure they can offer. Whether porn users like it or not, those perceptions often start creeping into how they see themselves and other people in real life. The harder it becomes for the user to see themselves and others as anything more than sexual objects, the harder it is to develop real relationships.

“There’s a certain way of experiencing sexual arousal that is the opposite of closeness,” Brooks said. “At best, it can be managed somewhat by some people, but most of the time it creates a barrier that poisons relationships.”

This post is taken from the website, http://www.fightthenewdrug.org

Citations to support the statements in this post are available upon request.