I was tasked with assessing a man regarding his sexual addiction.  

Unfortunately, his tale was all too familiar.  

As he sat across from me telling me that he is now considered a sexual offender and must register with the local police every time he moves, he started to unfold his story.  He told me that he had found his Dad's stash of Playboy and Hustler magazines when he was just eight years old.  

That is a bad sign...  The earlier a man is exposed to porn the greater are his chances that he will become addicted and the greater are his chances of getting into legal trouble.

The more he looked at porn, the more he wanted to look at porn.  (Interesting cycle, don't you think?)  The more he looked at porn, the more he fantasized about doing what he was watching on the porn movies.  

The more he watched porn, the less developed his social skills became.  This happens because porn causes a man to be selfish and just think about his own pleasure.  Friendships are unnecessary.  Girls are unnecessary because the girls in porn movies and magazines are always accessible and there for a man's pleasure.

It's a terrible cycle that entraps a man.  He wants to approach girls but fears rejection.  He wants to do the things he fantasizes about but he fears she will say no.  Finally, his isolation led him to frustration and he decided he would act upon some of his fantasies.  

A really weird thing about men addicted to porn is that they think that women are turned on by seeing male genitalia.  The porn that men watch gives a terribly distorted perspective of sexuality.  In actuality, women are more attracted to an intimate relationship than the male physique.

This man started to act upon his fantasies from the porn that he had been viewing over the years.  

One of his fantasies was that he would "accidentally" leave his zipper down and a woman would notice and become aroused.   He would walk around in grocery stores with his zipper down, fantasizing about his inevitable sexual encounter.  He was disappointed that no women noticed.

So, he developed another plan.  He decided that he would sit in his car close to the exits of stores with his pants open and hope that women would see and become aroused.  That didn't work either.  

So, his next step would be to call women over to his car, "to ask a question" and hope that with his pants open, they would notice, be sexually aroused and want to be with him.   He continued to be very disappointed.

He thought, because of his distorted perspective of women and sexuality, that what women were wanting to see was that he was sexually aroused, that he was erect, ready for sex.  So, he would sit in his car and fantasize about a woman jumping into his car and they would drive to a secluded place for a sexual encounter.  

One morning, while he was sitting in his car masturbating and fantasizing, he rolled his window down and asked a woman to come over because he had a "question" he wanted to ask her.  She approached his car, looked at him and where his hand was and instantly became repulsed.  She noted his license plate and called the police when she got home.  

She made a report to the police and he was arrested and prosecuted.  His prosecution was made public, his family was embarrassed and he lost his job.  

As he finished his story, I asked, "have you gotten rid of your porn?"  I knew his answer would be "no."  I was right.  The court wanted recommendations at the end of my assessment.  My recommendations were necessary:  no cable tv, no vcr/dvd player, no internet, no smart phone, no porn.  If he was caught in possession of any of these items, he would go to prison.  Also, he needed intensive counseling.  If this failed, then he would need residential treatment.

However, when the judge found out that he had not given up his porn, he acted swiftly.  This man immediately went to prison.  

Wouldn't it be nice if all of my stories ended in a positive note?  

This is a depressing, disgusting story.

Porn wins.

"Behold, you have sinned against the LORD and be sure that your sin will find you out."

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"We haven't shared our bed for over 20 years," the man told me.  This man came to see me for counseling as he was at the end of himself.  He was running out of faith.  Faith in his marriage, faith in his wife, and ultimately faith that God could fix his situation.  He was on the verge of suicide.

He told me an interesting story.  The problem started rather simply as many young marriages do.  "We were having a fight one evening.  I don't even remember what it was about.  But we were really steamed at each other and I decided I was going to "punish" my wife.  I told her that if she was going to act that way, I would just sleep on the couch."  Over time, this couple learned to handle their conflicts in this distorted, disrespectful and damaging way. God says that this type of behavior is sinful.   Sometimes, his wife would take the initiative and "punish" him by sleeping on the couch.  Over time, there was less forgiveness, less tolerance and less sleeping together.  After a while, they stopped sleeping with each other altogether.  His wife decided that she didn't want to share their bed with a man who was so unforgiving.  So, she decided to move into the spare bedroom.  God has stated that this type of behavior is unacceptable.

By all outward appearances, this couple was envied by their friends.  This couple had a terrific facade.  They both led very active lives.  He would spend time with the boys watching sports and hanging out.  Her friends became more important to her than her husband.  People were so observant of their ability "to let each other enjoy themselves without tying the other down."  

There were problems that were creeping in unaware to this couple.  Their children noticed that at home, dad & mom would hardly speak to each other.  They noticed that there parents would each go to their respective bedrooms in the evening and watch TV.  They noticed that, at home, there was a lack of love and joy.  However, the children also noticed that when they would go to church as a family, that all seemed good.  At first the children enjoyed going to church because it felt like then they were a family that really loved and cared for each other.  However, as the children became teenagers, they noticed the hypocrisy that their parents displayed.  Their parents were one way at home, one way with their friends, and another way at church.  When the children would talk to their friends, they came to realize that their parents really didn't love each other.  It was all an act.  

It was his son that awakened this man to what was really happening.  His son casually said, sarcastically, "when I get married I want to have a wife that I don't love too, Dad."  This man was so floored by his son's hurtful statement, that he didn't even know what to say or do.  He just broke down and started crying.  He asked himself, "what have I taught my children about love and marriage?"  He realized that the last 20 years of his life have been a sham.  That's when the feelings of despair and hopelessness set in.  That's when he first started contemplating ending his life.  Fortunately, this man sought help for his situation, deciding to get counseling for himself.

Now, the recovery from 20 years of denial and lovelessness is a long and arduous journey and I won't get into the issues that this man needed to face in counseling.  However, I share his story to stop you and make you think...

How are you treating your wife?  Have you two gone so far as to not share the marriage bed anymore?  Maybe you haven't done that physically but emotionally.  Do you sleep together, side-by-side, each nite and wonder why you're married, not feeling as if this person to whom you are married is even worth staying with?  Have you given up on your love internally and just live a sham marriage?  

Let me encourage you today.  A pastor of mine used to say this frequently in his sermons, "it's never to late to do the right thing."  So, if you've gone a long time (or even a short time) and haven't been cultivating the love and romance in your marriage, be a man and take the first step.  Swallow your pride. Apologize to your wife for discarding her.  Work on valuing her.  Let your kids see you two in love.  Get help and talk to your pastor or a Christian counselor.

Tomorrow, we are going to continue our discussion of marriage...

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

We were in inner Jamaica, away from the major cities visiting a church where I was to give a brief talk for the service.  We were fortunate enough to be able to arrive early to attend Sunday School.  As we arrived, there were other people there, mostly Jamaicans.  Unfortunately, the teacher seemed to be a bit intimidated.  She was an older woman, probably in her 60's and was a pillar in this church as well as the surrounding community.  It was obvious she was well-respected for her leadership.  As she moved to the front of the room, she made a little "nest" for herself with pillows and sat very regally speaking to us.  

What she said next made me think she felt intimidated (maybe not), "I have been teaching this class for many years and I know the answers for the questions that you may have.  But, please don't interrupt, you can ask your questions at the end of class, when I am thru telling you God's truth."  I was intrigued by her accent and her use of colloquialisms that were unfamiliar to me.  But, at times, I got lost in what she said as she introduced her lesson and the way that her body position displayed a person of authority.  

Now, there are many ways that this post that I am writing could go.  This post is not about this Sunday School teacher and my probable misunderstanding of her pride as I am sure there are so many things culturally that I missed.  This story is so rich in cultural/spiritual/psychological applications.  I enjoy studying cultural anthropology and coupling it with my counseling and my feeble attempts at representing Christ to others.   I try to  understand people without looking thru my white, middle class, American male biases.   

Nevertheless, this post is about my pride.

That evening, as I lay in bed, swatting mosquitos feeling very uncomfortable in the sweltering humidity, I was reflecting upon my experience that morning in Sunday School.  I got to thinking, "she was a very proud woman.  She had no formal college education and  lives in a small village teaching in a small church in a small island country.  She has no reason to act so proud."  With that thought, I clearly heard in my head a reprimand from God that filled me with remorse over my own pride.  Who was I to judge this woman who has been teaching God's Word for years?  

God has clearly stated, "So when you, a mere man, pass judgment and yet do the same things, do you think that you will escape God's judgment?"

As I continued to listen to God that evening, I felt God's loving reproof for attitudes that I had been displaying.  It wasn't much of a struggle because God's Holy Spirit was on target and I needed correction.    He was right.

At times I become prideful and God doesn't have to say much to remind me of how He has worked and is working in my life.  Just a simple recollection of that woman or my time in Jamaica usually gets me back on track and less self-protective.

Protectionist attitudes, IMHO, represent a spiritual dysfunction. I believe God protects our reputation if we serve Him in humility.  

C.S. Lewis puts it much better and serves as a reminder, "How is it that people who are obviously eaten up with Pride can say they believe in God and appear to themselves very religious?  I am afraid it means they are worshiping an imaginary God."

Ouch.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

A new study by Patrick F. Fagan examines the effects of pornography on individuals, marriage, family and community. Fagan is Senior Fellow and Director of the Center for Research on Marriage and Religion at the Family Research Council. He specializes in examining the relationships among family, marriage, religion, community, and America's social problems. This study is important for everyone to read as it demonstrates that it has damaging effects on individuals and families. In the summary Fagan explains,

Pornography is a visual representation of sexuality which distorts an individual's concept of the nature of conjugal relations. This, in turn, alters both sexual attitudes and behavior. It is a major threat to marriage, to family, to children and to individual happiness. In undermining marriage it is one of the factors in undermining social stability. 

Social scientists, clinical psychologists, and biologists have begun to clarify some of the social and psychological effects, and neurologists are beginning to delineate the biological mechanisms through which pornography produces its powerful negative effects.Some of the findings inside the study include:

• Pornography is addictive, and neuroscientists are beginning to map the biological substrate of this addiction.
• Users tend to become desensitized to the type of pornography they use, become bored with it, and then seek more perverse forms of pornography.
• Married men who are involved in pornography feel less satisfied with their conjugal relations and less emotionally attached to their wives. Wives notice and are upset by the difference.
• Pornography use is a pathway to infidelity and divorce, and is frequently a major factor in these family disasters.
• Among couples affected by one spouse's addiction, two-thirds experience a loss of interest in sexual intercourse.
• Many adolescents who view pornography initially feel shame, diminished self-confidence, and sexual uncertainty, but these feelings quickly shift to unadulterated enjoyment with regular viewing.
• The main defenses against pornography are close family life, a good marriage and good relations between parents and children, coupled with deliberate parental monitoring of Internet use. Traditionally, government has kept a tight lid on sexual traffic and businesses, but in matters of pornography that has waned almost completely, except where child pornography is concerned. Given the massive, deleterious individual, marital, family, and social effects of pornography, it is time for citizens, communities, and government to reconsider their laissez-faire approach.

This post was written by Ed Stetzer.  The original post can be found here:
http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-blogs/139251-the_effects_of_pornography.html/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Sadly, many men would take the last one. But porn warps a man’s character, with devastating results:

He cares only about himself.  He is full of pride. Many of his problems stem from this root issue.

Masturbating to porn trains a man to climax quickly. If/when sex with his wife occurs, he’s a short story… if that. 

His perception of sex and reality are totally warped. He would rather masturbate to a picture of naked women who cannot comfort him, wants nothing to do with him, and who probably hated being in a porn movie/picture shoot, than enjoy an exhilarating, satisfying ride to the top with his God-given spouse.

As time progresses and he indulges in porn more often, having sex with his wife becomes emotionally strained. It’s hard to be intimate with your wife when you know you’re committing porn-adultery against her.  Shame is an intimacy killer.

Compare all of this to marital sex:

Whereas porn is a one-dimensional, shallow act of selfishness, marital sex is a multi-faceted diamond that involves physical and emotional intimacy, the fun of discovering what pleases each other, and the joy of reaching the peak together.  Sex with the spouse is far more enjoyable than anything porn offers.

Marital sex spouse has a bonding effect. I always feel that my wife and I have strengthened our union afterwards.

The communication that takes place during sex enhances the bonding process. Expressions of love and other intimate conversation take a husband and wife to places porn can’t come close to. I can’t imagine a guy talking to himself and telling himself he loves himself while he’s masturbating to porn.

Marital sex is a gauge of how the relationship is doing. I have to treat my wife with kindness, care and respect for sex to happen (and vise-versa).  If she’s turning me down and there isn’t a physical reason, it forces me to re-examine how I’m doing with carrying out one of God’s greatest commands to me as a husband – to love my wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5).

Sex with my wife gets me focused on her.  The opposite of what porn and pride do. 

The afterglow of marital sex is warm and loving, whereas with porn there’s only emptiness, shame and remorse. 

Marital sex is satisfying. 

Porn? Never! 

Maybe you want to change but are stuck. Here are some guide posts that will help you in the journey to healing: 

Stop using all porn, no matter what it takes.  Support groups, accountability software, counseling, books, whatever. There will be no progress made until you’ve taken this step.

Set the idea of sex aside, and focus  on the relationship with your wife. Take her on a date to a place she likes. Have fun together again.  Rediscover the woman you married.

Show her you care. Listen to her fears, needs and concerns. Ask her how her day went. Ask questions and encourage her to talk about her feelings. Don’t try to fix her when she shares, especially if it’s about her weaknesses or failures.

Stop criticizing her.

Stop comparing her to the porn-images you’ve exposed yourself to. Set firm boundaries in your mind that from this day forward, the only woman you will want to want is your wife. Ask for God’s healing touch in your mind and your heart from the mental adultery you’ve committed.

Do special, out of the ordinary things for her. Get her a card, make her dinner, buy flowers. Surprising her will help spark the friendship again.

Embrace humility. If she points out a way you’re hurting her or not taking care of her and she’s right, bite your tongue, swallow your pride, and ask God to help you change. Confess to her that she’s right.

Help out around the house. She’s not your maid, but your best friend.

Pray together, every day. I can’t overemphasize this one. I’ve heard a statistic that couples who pray together daily divorce one in one thousand, while those who don’t divorce one in two. Praying together is a fantastic way to draw close to your wife, and it brings the Lord into your marriage, which is what you need for healing.

When sex does happen: 
-Don’t make it a rush to the finish line.  Take your time and get into foreplay. 
-Remember that sex is an act you’re enjoying with your best friend, not something you’re doing to “get off.”
-Open up the lines of communication. Talk to her about what you like and ask her about what she likes. Tell her you love her. 
-If you suffer with premature ejaculation, read up on techniques for prolonging sex and/or see a doctor if you need to. Tell your wife you may need a little time to re-adjust physically and emotionally.

Be patient. If you’ve spent years acting out with porn and your marriage is in a bad place, don’t expect your wife to warm up to you overnight. Keep working at it, and be determined to persevere until you’ve had a breakthrough. 

This post was written by Mike Genung.  For the original post, go to:  http://www.xxxchurch.com/men/sex-with-wife-or-3-hours-of-porn.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The anti-social bad boy places high value on being tough, thick-skinned and powerful.  He wants people to fear him.  You may look at that statement and ask, "come on, we could spot this guy a mile away, there's no way he could be a church leader!"  

You could be surprised.  Who wouldn't admire a church leader who plunged himself into opposing anti-Christian causes that many would rather ignore? A pastor who regularly speaks against the ills of our society with a militant vigilantism?  A leader who fears nothing and no one?  He is always on the news, internet and/or local paper as the man to go to for a Christian opinion, drawing headlines and attention?  This man is attractive, manly and assertive.  He draws people thru his strength, his ability to gain followers.

What is he like behind the scenes?  Thinly veiled as Christ-like behavior, he is self-reliant, full of energy and hardheaded.  Intimidation is his first tool of choice in relationships.  The anti-social bad boy uses his  powers of debate, exclusion and inclusion,  and theological name-calling to express toughness.  He loves a good fight (in Christian circles, this is called deep theological discussions).  He is very good at thinking on his feet, flying by the seat of his pants.  

This bad boy lives by the motto, "I don't get angry, I get even."  In church settings this vindictiveness appears under a social mask.  He may appear to be very suave, sincere and adult.  However, his inner circle (the boards, committees and staff that he intimidates), his confidants, carry out his vendetta.  These people don't want to cross him.  He claims that most people are devious and punitive and this justifies his own mistrustful, hostile and vengeful attitudes by ascribing them to others.  People are not to be trusted until they have proven thru repeated testing that they are loyal.  

Manipulation and coercion become his tools of conquest.  If acting gracious, cheerful and charming will maneuver and subjugate, he will do so.  He may have the motto, "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" and just does what he wants.   If such behavior fails, frustration of his will to power easily turns into furious, vindictive attacks.  The people & institutions around him become tools of power.  Christianity and its pieties are subordinated to the iron necessities of his personal need to control.  

He will kiss those above him and kick those below him.  When he arrives at his temporary pinnacle (he always wants a more powerful pinnacle) the people beneath him are there to minister to him.  He spends his time, energy and attention in feathering his nest and maintaining his position of power.

How can the church deal with the anti-social religious bad boy?

The anti-social Bad Boy assumes he is clever and you are stupid.  A frank, direct, unequivocal "no" tells him that you will not be manipulated, maneuvered, or used.  Jesus reminded us to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves in the face of such men.  A refusal to be frightened by threats and resistance with gentleness and evenhanded good humor destabilizes him.  He needs to learn what Paul Tillich says, "faith in God's love means that we can accept being accepted though we know we are unacceptable."  He needs to learn the discipline of considerateness.  Gentleness can be learned.  Gentleness and self-control are two hallmarks of a person who has God's Holy Spirit indwelling.

He needs to learn a childhood lesson that he obviously missed.  In anger we are to be as children.  Children don't let the sun go down on their wrath.  It's only from older people that that children learn how to carry a grudge, how to plan to get even, and how to be vindictive.  In our interactions with the anti-social bad boy, gentleness is our greatest strength.  It confuses and ministers to him because it is a different pattern of living.  Living the adage, "He who is genuinely strong has no fear of being gentle" will eventually, with his willingness to let God work in him, bring about the needed change.

Many thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The histrionic religious bad boy draws strength from superficial relationships with others.  However, the narcissistic religious bad boy is self-absorbed and wishes little to nothing from others, except that which confirms his superiority.  

This bad boy lives a self-admiring and self-sufficient way of life.  He despises weakness and dependency.  He draws his sense of security and satisfaction from being above others, disdainful of and superior to other people -- stronger, brighter, more beautiful, wealthier, less fallible, and certainly more important than others.  

The narcissistic religious bad boy is a master of exaggeration of his own accomplishments.  He arrogantly overstates his accomplishments and pretentiously shows off a blatant self-assurance.  If indeed he is a person of remarkable good looks or high intelligence or has mastered a skill, art or a profession, then he can make the case for himself stick; it seems plausible.  

However, the capacity for self-evaluation and self-criticism is absent.  If this man becomes a self-absorbed leader in the church, he is likely to project his narcissism onto a large screen of public adulation, which reinforces his feelings of superiority.

This man lives a life of entitlement.  To expect him to show genuine gratitude is like expecting a person with no arms to shake hands with you.  He has a real spiritual deficit:  a lack of the awareness of grace and an incapacity for gratitude.  This entitlement even extends to God.  St. Augustine's quote, "Good men use the world to enjoy God, whereas bad men use God to enjoy the world" describes his spiritual snobbery.  This man seeks to control God.  It doesn't occur to him to yield control of his world to God.  Religion is magic and the narcissistic is the magician.  He tells himself, "I can tell God what to do and He will bless all my ideas."  Essentially, this bad boy is above God.

In the church, this man is full of big ideas couched in glowing terms but little detail as to how to put these ideas into specific, concrete action.  When told to "put up or shut up" this bad boy will fake it, make elaborate promises, fall into misunderstandings with "inferior" people who don't understand his genius and/or make scapegoats of others.  

This man has loyalty tests for those with whom he shares his dreams.  If your loyalty does not meet his standard, then you are no longer trusted with his dreams and your relationship with Christ is questioned.  He wants people to commit to him with unwavering loyalty to him & his ideals and wild ideas.

Elaborate explanations of what God has "done for me" causes people to ask themselves, "Why is he so special to God?"  He has information that arises out of "private talks" with God and uses that information to manipulate and coerce others.  The narcissistic bad boy thanks God that bad things don't happen to perfect people like himself, because God gives him preferential treatment.

How can the church help the Narcissistic Religious Bad Boy?

These individuals only ask for help when faced with a serious loss or are in serious trouble.  Narcissists are a bundle of creativity that need the taming of God's Holy Spirit.  They are a challenge, but it takes an inner awareness that they frankly say about themselves what many others carry as their secrets.  We can thank God for a certain naiveté and guilelessness in them.  That is a rare metal in the human spirit.  But it has to be mined and refined over a period of time by gentle nudgings and confrontations.  IF we do not write them off or give up on them, they just may learn (1) that we can be counted on thru thick and thin, and (2) that if anybody is going to break the relationship between us, they will will have to do it.

Much thanks to the deceased Dr. Oates from whom much of this information is taken.  His seminal work Behind the Masks should be read by those in positions of leadership in the church.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"Of all bad men, religious bad    
          men are the worst."  

This quote from C.S. Lewis in his book, Reflections on the Psalms, addresses an issue in the church that is frequently overlooked by Christians.  People who are not Christians have no trouble with this quote and believe it wholeheartedly.  However, in the church we tend to overlook bad behavior from our brothers.  Are our churches just some sort of fraternity where we overlook these "imperfections"?  God's Word states that individuals that wink,  to signal that one is in the club, to get away with something are dirty, rotten scoundrels.   Unfortunately, these men have crept into the church.  God's Word describes them as waterless springs and twice dead.

This week and next we will be discussing different personalities that are in positions of authority in the church.  Remember that the individuals in these posts are fictitious.  However, as we go thru some of the behaviors, you will recognize them as actual people that you have encountered in the church.  I know.  I have met each of these men.  You may even recognize yourself in some of these men. I know that I recognize elements of these men in my own personality and it concerns me.  If they are you, ask God to change you.  Only HE can give true, lasting change.

Here are some of the men we will be discussing:  The Histrionic Religious Bad Boy, The Narcissistic Religious Bad Boy,  The Anti-Social Religious Bad Boy, The Passive-Aggressive Religious Bad Boy, The Avoidant Religious Bad Boy, The Overscrupulous Religious Bad Boy and The Chaotic Religious Bad Boy.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.