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To my porn watching dad, from your daughter

12/18/2014

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Dear Dad,

I want to let you know first of all that I love you and forgive you for what this has done in my life. I also wanted to let you know exactly what your porn use has done to my life. You may think that this effects only you, or even your and mom’s relationships. But it has had a profound impact on me and all of my siblings as well.

I found your porn on the computer somewhere around the age of 12 or so, just when I was starting to become a young woman. First of all, it seemed very hypocritical to me that you were trying to teach me the value of what to let into my mind in terms of movies, yet here you were entertaining your mind with this junk on a regular basis. Your talks to me about being careful with what I watched meant virtually nothing.

Because of pornography, I was aware that mom was not the only woman you were looking at. I became acutely aware of your wandering eye when we were out and about. This taught me that all men have a wandering eye and can’t be trusted. I learned to distrust and even dislike men for the way they perceived women in this way.

As far as modesty goes, you tried to talk with me about how my dress affects those around me and how I should value myself for what I am on the inside. Your actions however told me that I would only ever truly be beautiful and accepted if I looked like the women on magazine covers or in porn. Your talks with me meant nothing and in fact, just made me angry.

As I grew older, I only had this message reinforced by the culture we live in. That beauty is something that can only be achieved if you look like “them”. I also learned to trust you less and less as what you told me didn’t line up with what you did. I wondered more and more if I would ever find a man who would accept me and love me for me and not just a pretty face.

When I had friends over, I wondered how you perceived them. Did you see them as my friends, or did you see them as a pretty face in one of your fantasies? No girl should ever have to wonder that about the man who is supposed to be protecting her and other women in her life.

I did meet a man. One of the first things I asked him about was his struggle with pornography. I’m thankful to God that it is something that hasn’t had a grip on his life. We still have had struggles because of the deep-rooted distrust in my heart for men. Yes, your porn watching has affected my relationship with my husband years later.

If I could tell you one thing, it would be this: Porn didn’t just affect your life; it affected everyone around you in ways I don’t think you can ever realize. It still affects me to this day as I realize the hold that it has on our society. I dread the day when I have to talk with my sweet little boy about pornography and its far-reaching greedy hands. When I tell him about how pornography, like most sins, affects far more than just us.

Like, I said, I have forgiven you. I am so thankful for the work that God has done in my life in this area. It is an area that I still struggle with from time to time, but I am thankful for God’s grace and also my husband’s. I do pray that you are past this and that the many men who struggle with this will have their eyes opened.

Love, Your Daughter

This post is anonymous.  The original can be found here:  http://www.faithit.com/an-open-letter-to-the-dad-looking-at-porn/


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.



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#1 reason why teens keep the faith as young adults

11/10/2014

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The holy grail for helping youth remain religiously active as young adults has been at home all along: parents.

Mothers and fathers who practice what they preach and preach what they practice are far and away the major influence related to adolescents keeping the faith into their 20s, according to new findings from a landmark study of youth and religion.

Just 1 percent of teens ages 15 to 17 raised by parents who attached little importance to religion were highly religious in their mid-to-late 20s. 

In contrast, 82 percent of children raised by parents who talked about faith at home, attached great importance to their beliefs and were active in their congregations were themselves religiously active as young adults, according to data from the latest wave of the National Study of Youth and Religion.

The connection is "nearly deterministic," said University of Notre Dame Sociologist Christian Smith, lead researcher for the study.

Other factors such as youth ministry or clergy or service projects or religious schools pale in comparison.

"No other conceivable causal influence ... comes remotely close to matching the influence of parents on the religious faith and practices of youth," Smith said in a recent talk sharing the findings at Yale Divinity School. "Parents just dominate." 

Parent power

Several studies have shown that the religious behaviors and attitudes of parents are related to those of their children.

In research using data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, sociologists Christopher Bader and Scott Desmond found that children of parents who believe that religion is very important and display their commitment by attending services are most likely to transmit religiosity to their children.

This is the fourth wave of the NSYR, a comprehensive national study first conducted in 2002-2003 among teens ages 13 to 17 and their parents. These early findings add powerful evidence of the importance of mothers and fathers as the study traces the path of young respondents, who are now ages 24 to 29.

One of the strongest factors associated with older teens keeping their faith as young adults was having parents who talked about religion and spirituality at home, Smith said.

Other key factors included having parents for whom personal faith is important and who demonstrate that faith through attending services. Teens whose parents attended worship with them were especially likely to be religiously active as young adults.

Among related findings, parents from religious traditions that in general promote greater commitment and encourage discussing faith outside the sanctuary also were more likely to have children who remained active in their faith as young adults.

For example, two-thirds of teens raised by black Protestant parents and half of adolescents with conservative Protestant parents had high or moderate levels of religiousness as young adults. On the other end, 70 percent of teens raised by mainline Protestant parents had minimal or lower levels of religiousness as young adults. 

In interviews, many Mainline Protestant parents said they "feel guilty if they think they are doing anything to direct their children toward their religion as opposed to any other possibility. There's a sense of like should you tell your child that what I believe is right," Smith said. 

Yet if parents and faith communities are not able to communicate their beliefs, Smith said later, "The game's over, already."

Empowering parents

The role of parents is even more critical today as trust in institutions decline and many children with more demanding schedules are spending less time in congregations, Smith noted.

Yet, he said, there are some powerful "cultural scripts" that discourage parents from taking an active role in the spiritual lives of their teens. 

Among those scripts:

• After age 12, the role of parents recedes, and the influence of peers, the media, music and social media take over.
• Cultural messages that encourage parents to turn their children over to "experts." In the case of faith formation, many parents consider that to be the responsibility of clergy, Sunday schools and youth groups, Smith said.

Religious groups can help parents realize their key role in transmitting faith to the next generation by working with them from the births of their children to empower them to take on that responsibility, Smith said.

That includes involving them in congregational activities, making sure pastors and youth ministers work cooperatively with parents and encouraging parents and children to worship together, Smith said.

For their part, parents need to realize a hands-off approach to religion has consequences.

"Parents, for better or worse, are actually the most influential pastors ... of their children," Smith said. "Parents set a kind of glass ceiling of religious commitment, above which their children rarely rise."

This post was written by David Briggs for the Huffington Post.  You can find the original post here:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-briggs/the-no-1-reason-teens-kee_b_6067838.html



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The Walking Dead gospel

11/1/2014

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If you open your Bible to the book of James, the author concludes his first chapter with the following verse:

27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.  (James 1:27, NLT)

The last two weeks of The Walking Deadhave taken place inside a church. The church brings up a variety of emotions and feelings to people around the world. To some it’s a place of worship and love. To others, it’s believed to be a place of judgment and hypocrisy. Sadly, some churches have lived up to that bad reputation, casting a dark shadow on churches across the nation.

What do your neighbors think when they drive past the church on the corner?

Four walls and a roof? Or a place that cares for orphans and widows?

When Rick and all his friends first walked in the church last week in Episode 2, they walked past various religious imagery, including the following verse:

9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.. (Galatians 6:9, NIV, close to the same version that was on the wall)

What does “doing good” actually look like in this fallen world?

That’s the big question this week, Episode 3, proposed.

This week Rick could have said, “I told you so” when they discovered Gareth, Martin and the other cannibals were back and in search of food. Just two episodes ago Rick wanted to go back and eliminate every one of these heinous killers, but the group encouraged him to forget about them and move on.

Sadly, “forgetting about them” didn’t work. Apparently it’s kill or be killed in this world. And that’s the dilemma our group is facing week after week. We’re witnessing this polarization in some of the characters. Tyreese is slowly transforming into the pacifist of the group. He’s the Martin Luther King Jr. He chooses peace whenever possible. Rick, however, does whatever it takes to insure the survival of the group. He’s the Malcolm X. “By all means necessary.”

The group came face to face with the ugliness of capital punishment when they confronted Gareth, Martin and the other cannibals in the church. Rick decided that assassinating them was the only choice that ensured the groups survival. So Rick keeps his promise to Gareth and uses the red handled machete to kill him. Rick, Michonne, Abraham and Sasha hacked and stabbed, spraying blood everywhere, turning the Lord’s house into a slaughterhouse, all in plain view of the inscription on the wall, “He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life.”

But the anger and vengeance that poured out of Rick, Michonne, Abraham and Sasha made many wonder. “Are we becoming like them?” You could see the doubt on many of their faces. Maggie. Glenn. Tara.

Feeling the doubt, Rick justified their actions, “It could have been us.”

Enter “the church” stage left.

Reverend Gabriel, the same man who selfishly locked his congregation outside to die while he horded all the food, walks into the sanctuary horrified, “This is the Lord’s house!”

Maggie, a girl who grew up in a Christian home, quickly retorts, “No, it’s just four walls and a roof” (the title of this episode).

It makes us wonder. Did Rick actually “do good” by eliminating the threat that pursued them? In an interview about this episode shown on The Talking Dead, actor Michael Cudlitz (Abraham) contended, “The brutality of how we kill them is balanced by the brutality that they have been executing on everyone else.”

Is it?

Just as we all began searching our own morality for the answers to that question, the writers of the show turned an interesting corner. They brought us to Bob’s bedside to hear his dying words, and his words reminded us what Rick and their group stood for.

The scene begins about 50 minutes into the show (including commercials).

Bob: I just want to say thank you.

Rick: For what?

Bob: Before the prison, I didn’t know if there were any good people left. I didn’t know if anybody was left. You took me in. Cause you took people in. It was you man.

What I said yesterday, I ain’t revising it. Even in light of current events. Nightmares end. They shouldn’t end who you are. And that is just this dead man’s opinion.

Rick: I’ll take it.

In the midst of this living nightmare, in one dead man’s opinion, Rick hasn’t stopped being good. He selflessly “took people in.”

What a contrast to reverend Gabriel who selfishly left people outside to die.

SEASON 5, EPISODE 3 DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1.  This week we discovered that Gabriel locked out his congregation and his friends. Why do you think he did this?

2. Why was he plagued by that decision?

3. Why is it dangerous to “take people in” in this world?

4. Why do Rick and his friends take people in?

I can’t hear Bob’s words, “you took me in” without thinking of this famous story Jesus told in the book of Matthew:

Read the following passages from scripture:
31 “But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’

37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’

40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’

41 “Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons, 42 For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. 43 I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

44 “Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’

45 “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’

46 “And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”  (Matthew 25:31-46, NLT)

5. What was the difference between the sheep and the goats?

6. What were the specific ways the sheep did good?

7. What might that look like in your world?

8. According to the passage above, who are you helping when you help “the least of these”?

9. Why do you think it’s so important to help people in need?

10. Why does Jesus tell this story?

11. What is one way you can reach out to “the least of these” this week?

This episode never answers whether killing is “good.” I’m sure Rick and Tyreese still sit on opposite ends of that debate. But this week’s episode clearly demonstrated the importance of taking people in. That’s what Jesus would do. That’s what he wants people in his house to do. That’s what “genuine religion” truly looks like.

27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.  (James 1:27, NLT)


This post was written by Jonathan McKee.  For the original post, go to:  http://www.thewalkingdeadgospel.com/2014/season-5-episode-3-walls-roof/#.VFKdtr69G98



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The Walking Dead Gospel

10/25/2014

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The gang is back together now, as evidenced by the trademark Reservoir Dogs slow-mo strut shot. Other than Beth, who is still MIA, everyone is accounted for. So for the first time in a long time, the group pauses to take a breath in an abandoned church. It’s during this “pause” that many of the group seek to collect their thoughts and prepare themselves mentally and psychologically for what might lie ahead.

Episode 2 tackles the theme of overcoming our past. Father Gabriel is introduced as a reverend of a small church who has somehow survived since the dead began walking the earth. Gabriel is plagued by guilt for something, and we can only guess that it has something to do with the fact that he survived alone in the church while countless others perished outside.

It’s always intriguing when Hollywood introduces religious characters. Most often, these individuals are depicted as the archetypal hypocritical, unloving Christian. I’m curious to see if they defer to this overplayed stereotype.

The jury is still out on Father Gabriel (even though 78% of Talking Dead viewers voted that he is dangerous and shouldn’t be trusted), but so far, his refusal to confess what’s bothering him is making the group a little leery of his actions. That’s probably why Rick not only asked him the “three questions” (a la Season 4, Episode 1), but basically told him, You endanger my people, I endanger you.

But Gabriel isn’t the only one struggling to find penance for sins past. Carol, Michonne and Tyreese each express the individual desire to squash bad memories in search of a new beginning. Carol and Rick even share a moment where the two of them make things right.

Let’s face it. People don’t like to carry around secrets. These secrets become burdens, weighing them down emotionally. Daryl feels this struggle from Carol, and even though he’s not pressuring her to confess, he makes it clear that he’s willing to listen.

America agrees. 86% of Talking Dead viewers voted that Carol should tell Daryl.

Confession feels good.

Perhaps that’s why Tara approached Maggie, burdened with the guilt of once standing with the Governor (a path she already navigated with Glenn in Season 4, Episode 10).

The scene begins about 50 minutes into the show (including commercials).

Tara: I was at the prison, with the Governor.

Maggie is speechless, realizing what Tara is confessing.

Tara: I didn’t know who he was or what he could do, and I didn’t know who all of you were.

Maggie processes Tara’s words.

Tara: I just didn’t want it to be hidden that I was there.

Maggie: You’re here with us now.

Tara smiles. Maggie hugs Tara.

SEASON 5, EPISODE 2 DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1.  Why were so many people searching for forgiveness?

2. Why do people feel the need to disclose sins of the past?

3. How would you have responded if you were Maggie, especially after losing your father to the Governor?

4. Was Maggie right to forgive Tara?

Read the following passages from scripture:

21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone[b]who sins against me? Seven times?”

22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22)

Then Jesus tells a story about a guy who was forgiven much by a king, but wouldn’t forgive someone else even a little. The ending of the story is a little sobering:

34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.” (Matthew 18:34,35)

5. Why does Jesus tell Peter “seventy times seven” (which basically meant, “infinity”)?

6. What does God do if we won’t forgive others?

7. Why won’t God forgive us, if we won’t forgive others? (A tough answer to a tough question: God is willing to forgive us if we are willing to put our complete trust in Him. Part of that complete trust is the willingness to give up our own selfish desires. That includes “grudges.” God welcomes us to him when we are ready to let go and give ourselves completely to him.)

Are you holding onto a grudge that you want freedom from?

Pray and ask God to give you the strength to give up that resentment to him. Ask God to take that grudge from you and free you from bitterness.

This post was written by Jonathan McKee.  For the original post, go to:  http://www.thewalkingdeadgospel.com/2014/season-5-episode-2-strangers/#.VEf7Rr69G98




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The Walking Dead Gospel

10/18/2014

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Last Sunday night over 17 million people gathered around the glow of their TV screens to watch a mishmash of human characters scrape a survival out of a world overrun by the walking dead.

The show is aptly titled, The Walking Dead. However, week after week, this zombie infested drama has proven to be less about the dead and more about humanity… or the lack there of.

It’s no secret. This weekly 42-minute drama is offering something that resonates with America; because it’s not only breaking records for viewership, beating out everything else cable or broadcast… it’s trumping Sunday Night Football! (And what’s more American than that?)

And when the show stops, the chatter doesn’t. The Twittersphere lights up with favorite quotes of the evening, questions, and plot speculation. Social Media begins buzzing. Dedicated fans even devote another hour to the subject at hand the same evening, watching The Talking Dead, a talk show where actors, producers and celebrities (this week it was Conan O’Brien) unpack what they’ve just seen and ask questions like, “Was Tyreese right when he killed Martin?”

And that’s the beauty of the show. No other show cultivates so many water cooler conversations about morality.

That’s probably why The Gospel According to the Walking Dead blog emerged. Conversations about morality open doors to conversations about Biblical truth. Every week this blog provides conversation, scripture and discussion questions unpacking the prior week’s episode.

Consider the dissection of good and evil in the Season 5 Premiere this past Sunday. Tyreese, one of the lead characters who has been carrying and protecting a baby through the post apocalyptic chaos much of last season, becomes engaged in a conversation with a sociopathic killer named Martin:

Martin: I don’t have any friends… I used to have em. I used to watch football on Sundays. I went to church. (Chuckles) I know I did. But I can’t picture it anymore. It’s funny how you don’t even notice the time go by. Horrible sh*t just stacks up day after day. You get used to it.

Tyreese: I haven’t gotten used to it.

Martin: Of course you haven’t. You’re the kind of guy who saves babies.

It happens every week. Humans are put in situations where they have to make choices. And the audience can’t help but wrestle with the morality.

Was he right?

I’ve met countless parents who watch it with their teenagers. When the show ends, “you just want to talk about what you just saw.”

I don’t know. Do you wish your kids wanted to talk with you about morality?

This post was written by Jonathan McKee.  The original post can be found here:  http://www.patheos.com/blogs/afewgrownmen/2014/10/god-and-the-walking-dead/

For resources for talking to your teenager about The Walking Dead, complete with discussion guide, go to:  http://www.thewalkingdeadgospel.com/2014/season-5-episode-1-sanctuary/#.VEA39L69G99


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5 reasons why fathers are an endangered species

8/8/2014

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There you are…quitely lurking away from view. Your prey doesn’t see you and you are getting ready to pounce. One wrong move and you will scare them away. You can’t afford to make a noise or you will lose the hunt. Everything is riding on this moment…then you strike. TICKLE MONSTER!!!!!!!! Your heart and life instantly fills with laughter as your children succomb to the power that comes with identifying pressure points on the body meant for tickling. You are a father. You are awesome and you know it. Then, as soon as it started, it abuptly ends in a crash! You just broke something. Something Mommy really likes. Kids and Daddy are now in trouble. Oh, but it was worth it.

There have been so many times during my work day where I will start laughing simply thinking about my kids. I will look at a picture on my desk, and start cracking up. In that picture, my daughter is making that face. You know what face I am talking about. I can’t help it. I love them so much. Fatherhood is the most rewarding discipleship ministry I am involved in. It just is.

Fatherhood, in general, is like that…it is not all perfect and happy, but the reward is amazing. The problem is, fathers are becoming an endangered species. The male reproductive contributor has not been decreasing in popularity, but fathers have…why is this?

I think there are 5 main reasons why fathers are becoming an endangered species.

1. It is difficult- When it comes to discipline, consistency, and the expectation of provision, the role of a father becomes harder and harder when one is fully involved. Mommy definitely has an extremely hard job, but both parents should be active in the life of a child. Sometimes it is easy to default to anger, lethargy, or a general disconnection with th fatherly role. In my personal experience, it is hard to work a full day and get home in time to play with my children a few hours before bed time. It can be taxing and I find myself turning my mind and heart on autopilot. Dad, fight this temptation. Don’t allow yourself to become jaded or remote.

2. Sometimes work comes before family- This is a dangerous attitude to be in. It is easy to default to this mode when we feel like the full provision of the household rests on our shoulders. We become stressed and determined to make sure that our sweat and effort will produce more and more. Granted, this is the most traditional view of a father, and many households do not reflect this expectation, but there are so many that do. We have to remember that we are not alone in our fight and we are not called to venture through this role alone. Relying soley on our strength will eventually lead to collapse. Do not worship your work, and let yourself believe that you are defined by your occupation or how much money is in your account. We shouldn’t walk away from our responsibilities, but we can not forsake our first call.

3. We think kids come before spouse- Now, I know that many families are single parent households, and this will not apply to everyone, but I think it is still important to say. Your spouse comes first. Why do I say this? I say this because God has put you together for a lifetime…to grow, love, and team teach a new generation. Your children will be with you for 18-21 years…your spousal relationship will be for a lifetime. Plus, your kids need to see affection, respect, conflict resolution, and laughter among their parents. If you are a single father, your child needs to see the respect for the people around you. You are an example to them.

4. We are not fully involved- This is a simple one to understand. Quantity time and quality time are both important. Not valuing these things can be detrimental to fathers. It’s okay to look foolish while acting in a spontaneous make-believe play. It is okay to knock things over while wrestling. It is okay to care about what kind of diapers, crafts, and education your children is receiving. In fact…it is amazing.

5. The role has been under emphasized- One of my pet peeves involves this very thing. An example would be found in the countless times I see people posting questions on social media asking for parenting advice. The question always starts like this, “Okay Mom’s, I have an opinion question…Junior is not sleeping at night and I was wondering…” Did you catch it? Just one time, I want to read a question that says, “Dad’s! What ways have you gotten your kids to eat vegetables?” It is a minor thing, but we have done this to ourselves…fathers have almost been removed from the conversation of the daily operations of parenting and this is unacceptable. We have to reclaim this…

I realize that there are men out there that have been praying for a long time for the opportunity to be a father. I know many in this situation, and I propose we take some regular time out of our day to pray for those in this situation. It can be hard to wait/ fervently pray any amount of time for God to bring this blessing.

Love you all. Fight the good fight.

This post was written by Rev DeCrastos.  For the original post, go to:  http://other-words.net/2014/08/01/5-reasons-why-fathers-are-an-endangered-species/
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Which listener are you?

7/17/2014

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Two teenagers each sit down in front of an adult in two totally separate venues. In each situation an adult asks questions and the teenager responds.

In one of these situations the teenager is freed to express himself and literally can’t stop talking.

In the other situation the teenager clams up immediately.

What’s the difference?

Maybe you’ve experienced this. You’re trying to engage a teenager in conversation, but he or she immediately puts up a wall and you feel like you are prying answers from the kid.

Let me introduce you to the two types of listeners: the parole officer and the counselor. One asks questions in search for a violation, the other listens to understand.

THE PAROLE OFFICER LISTENER
First, I apologize to all parole officers for the stigma. I’m sure there are some great parole officers out there who really care, but I simply use the example because most people are not excited about sitting down in front of an individual who is not only going to ask them questions from a position of authority, but also has the ability to use the provided information against them! It’s a one-up relationship and in most situations, the parolee isn’t very excited to be questioned in the first place.

Questions can be great tools to engage young people, but not when you ask them like a parole officer in search of a violation.

“Where were you last night?”

“Was that boy Chris with you?”

These questions aren’t asked with the intent to get to know your kid; they are being asked to gather incriminating evidence. As soon as the poor kid answers something wrong you’ll exclaim, “Aha! I knew it!”

Similarly, some people ask nagging questions.

“Did you turn in your permission slip?”

“Did you finish the lawns?”

“Did you feed Wolfgang?”

Don’t ask questions like a person looking for malfeasance.

Don’t ask questions like someone who actually uses the word “malfeasance!”

Instead, ask question like…

THE COUNSELOR LISTENER
Counselors bill as much as $300 per hour.

What is so special about what they do?

They listen without judgment. The sit in a chair for an hour, talking a little, listening a lot… and people pay them big bucks to do so.

Why?

People want to be heard. People want to be understood. People want someone who is willing to put all of their other interests aside and focus 100% of their attention on them, without distraction.

Most people have to pay for this.

Funny, in the beginning of my book, Get Your Teenager Talking, I provide a handful of pointers about how to engage young people in conversation. In those first few pages I recommend a skill rarely used by parents.

The skill is this: notice.

Counselors notice. They notice body language, tone and word choice. One reason they are able to do this is because they are actually paying attention. They aren’t doing bills or putting away groceries while casually asking, “How was your day?”

When’s the last time you stopped and noticed your son or daughter. What are they wearing? Why did they dress that way today? What are they looking forward to more than anything that day? What are they loathing? What helps them numb the pain? Who can they share that pain with?

Do you know the answers to these questions?

If you want to get to know your kid like this, you have to learn to approach them like someone who wants to get to know them… not someone looking for malfeasance.


This post was written by Jonathan McKee.  You can find the original post here:  http://www.patheos.com/blogs/afewgrownmen/2014/05/which-listener-are-you/


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Why I like "my" church

6/18/2014

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We discussed 10 reasons why people leave church.  Then we discussed why people like going to church.  It is so easy, nowadays to find things wrong with the church and here at Ironstrikes, we publish some criticisms of The Church in general.  

Now, I want to turn to "my" church, specifically.  When I say "my", I don't mean the church is mine.  I mean it is the church that I claim as home for my family.  These people are "my" family.   It doesn't mean that we all look or act alike.  It doesn't mean that we always agree.  It does mean that we love and care for each other... We can get angry with each other or frustrated with each other but the love is no less.... Sounds like a real family, doesn't it?

First of all, we are church plant, a very young church with only about 60 people attending at any one time.  It is a good mix of kids, teens, young people and older people.   Our pastor is young, married and has children.  


If you would attend, you would see a very simple, basic church service.  We don't have a polished praise team, we don't have a modern, hip feel to our service.  We have a few attendees of the church up front singing.  They aren't always the same people.  Sometimes, people from outside our church come and lead us in praise.  You never know what to expect in terms of a praise team.  Sometimes, our children will lead us in praise.  That leads me to my first point...


1) I like "my" church because everyone is expected to be a part of the praise time.  Sometimes, you are expected to be a participant, sometimes you are expected to be a leader.  Even children as young as three have lead us in praise.


2) I like "my" church because everyone is expected to be a part of the worship time.  You will see children praying with older people from the church.  Yes, I said that in the correct order.  Children will pray with adults.  Children will pray for adults.  That leads me to point three...


3)  I like "my" church because everyone is considered to be a part of the church ministry.  Children are the church.  Teens are the church.  Adults are the church.  We don't have people wait until they get everything correct and polished:  their theology, their attitude, their words, etc.  If someone wants to do something, they do it.  However, they just don't do it, they also have a church family that encourages and teaches while they are doing what they do...


4)  Our leader, of course, is Jesus Christ.  He is the cornerstone of our church, the very foundation.  However, our Pastor, as he follows Jesus, teaches us God's Word from a humble stance.  I like "my" church because it's refreshing to have a pastor say, during a sermon, "I'm glad to be a part of a church that is as messed up as I am!"  (And his sermons are terrific, BTW.)


5)  I like "my" church because sometimes, you may not know who the "leaders" are in the church.  Leadership in our church requires humility.  Since we are a church plant and rent a facility, you will see leaders in all aspects of the church and not realize that they are leaders.  They will set up the sound system, work in the nursery, set up and remove chairs, bring muffins to share, care for children, collect the offering, etc.  A leader in the church will do whatever it takes to help the church function.


6)  I like "my" church because sometimes, we don't get to the sermon or to the sermon our pastor had planned.  It is not uncommon for God's Holy Spirit to change what is planned.  There may be spontaneous testimony.  There may be spontaneous spoken prayer.  There may be a child saying, "amen!" or someone may even stop the sermon and ask a question about what the pastor just said or what someone else just spoke about.  


7)  Finally, I like "my" church because we believe in healing.  We believe that God cares about us emotionally, physically as well as spiritually.  We have had spontaneous prayers of healing and have seen the results within just a few hours.  Physical pain has been eliminated or lessened, emotional pain has been relieved, and spiritual growth has resulted.  


Ok, one more finally.... Sometimes, our church will be nothing special.  Nothing terribly exciting happens from our human perspective.  Things go as planned, nothing spontaneous occurs.  And that's ok too.  That's another thing I like about "my" church.  There is not a pressure to repeat past experiences, there is not a pressure to make something happen.  It's just simply God's family getting together to remember what God has done, praise Him for what He will do and also to wait expectantly for God to do more.  


Because, we have a long way to go... God's not done with us yet.


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.
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Top 10 Mistakes Christian Parents of Teens Make

5/30/2014

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It might be difficult for some parents to read through, but here’s a top ten list that I’ve been wanting to write for a while. Here is my top ten mistakes Christian parents of teens make:

10. Not spending time with your teen.

A lot of parents make the mistake of not spending time with their teens because they assume their teens don’t want to spend time with them! While that’s true in some contexts, teens still want and need “chunks” of one-on-one time with parents. Despite the fact that teens are transitioning into more independence and often carry a “I don’t need/want you around” attitude, they are longing for the securing and grounding that comes from consistent quality time.

Going for walks together, grabbing a coffee in order to “catch up,” going to the movies together, etc., all all simple investments that teens secretly want and look forward to. When you don’t carve out time to spend with your teen, you’re communicating that you’re not interested in them, and they internalize that message, consciously or unconsciously.

9. Letting your teen’s activities take top priority for your family.

The number of parents who wrap their lives/schedules around their teen’s activities is mind-boggling to me. I honestly just don’t get it. I know many parents want to provide their children with experiences and opportunities they never had growing up, but something’s gone wrong with our understanding of family and parenting when our teen’s wants/”needs” are allowed to overwhelm the family’s day-to-day routines.

Parents need to prioritize investing in their relationship with God (individually and as a couple), themselves and each other, but sadly all of these are often neglected in the name of “helping the kids get ahead.” “Don’t let the youth sports cartel run your life,” says Jen singer, author of You’re A Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either). I can’t think of many good reasons why families can’t limit teens to one major sport/extra-curricular activity per season. Not only will a frenetic schedule slowly grind down your entire family of time, you’ll be teaching your teen that “the good life” is a hyper-active one. That doesn’t align itself to Jesus’ teaching as it relates to the healthy rhythms of prayer, Sabbath, and down-time, all of which are critical to the larger Christian task of “seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).

8. Spoiling your teen.

We are all tempted to think that loving our kids means doing all we can to ensure they have all the opportunities and things we didn’t have growing up. This is a terrible assumption to make. It leads to an enormous amount of self-important, petty, and ungrateful kids. A lot of the time parents are well-intentioned in our spoiling, but our continual stream of money and stuff causes teens to never be satisfied and always wanting more. Your teen doesn’t need another piece of crap, what he needs is time and attention from you (that’s one expression of spoiling that actually benefits your teen!).

There are two things that can really set you back in life if we get them too early:

a. Access to too much money.
b. Access to too many opportunities.

Parents need to recognize they’re doing their teens a disservice by spoiling them in either of these ways. Save the spoiling for the grandkids.

7. Permissive parenting.

“Whatever” — It’s not just for teens anymore! The devil-may-care ambivalence that once defined the teenage subculture has now taken root as parents shrug their shoulders, ask, “What can you do?” and let their teens “figure things out for themselves.” I think permissive parenting (i.e., providing little direction, limits, and consequences) is on the rise because many parents don’t know how to dialogue with and discipline their children. Maybe parents don’t have any limits of boundaries within their own life, so they don’t know how to communicate the value of these to their teen. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to, because their own self-esteem is too tied up in their child’s perception of them, and they couldn’t handle having their teen get angry at them for actually trying to parent. Maybe it’s because many parents feel so overwhelmed with their own issues, they can hardly think of pouring more energy into a (potentially) taxing struggle or point of contention.

Whatever the reason, permissive parenting is completely irreconcilable with a Christian worldview. I certainly do not advocate authoritarian parenting styles, but if we practice a permission parenting style we’re abdicating our God-given responsibility to provide guidance, nurture, limits, discipline and consequences to our teen (all of which actually help our teen flourish long-term).

6. Trying to be your teen’s best friend.

Your teen doesn’t need another friend (they have plenty); they need a parent. Even through their teens, your child needs a dependable, confident, godly authority figure in their life. As parents we are called to provide a relational context characterized by wisdom, protection, love, support, and empowerment. As Christian parents we’re called to bring God’s flourishing rule into our family’s life. That can’t happen if we’re busy trying to befriend our teen. Trying to be your teen’s friend actually cheats them out of having these things in their lives.

Sometimes parents think that a strong relationship with their teen means having a strong friendship—but there’s a fine line that shouldn’t be crossed. You should be friendly to your teen but you shouldn’t be your teen’s friend. They have lots of friends, they only have one or two parents—so be the parent your teen needs you to be.

5. Holding low expectations for your teen.

Johann Goethe once wrote, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat as man as he can and should be, and he become as he can and should be.” All of us rise to the unconcious level of expectation we set for ourselves and perceive from others. During the teenage years, it’s especially important to slowly put to death the perception that your teen is still “a kid.” They areemerging leaders, and if you engage them as such, you will find that over time, they unconsciously take on this mantle for themselves. Yes, your teen can be moody, self-absorbed, irresponsible, etc., but your teen can also be brilliant, creative, selfless, and mature. Treating them like “kids” will reinforce the former; treating them as emerging leaders will reinforce the latter.

For an example of how the this difference in perspective plays out, I’ve written an article entitled “The Future of an Illusion” which is available as a free download from www.meredisciple.com (in the Free Downloads section). It specifically looks at my commitment to be involved in “emerging church ministry” as opposed to “youth ministry,” and it you may find some principles within it helpful.

4. Not prioritizing youth group/church involvement.

This one is one of my personal pet peeves (but not just because this is my professional gig). I simply do not understand parents who expect and want their kids to have a dynamic, flourishing faith, and yet don’t move heaven and earth to get them connected to both a youth group and local church.

I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret: no teenager can thrive in their faith without these two support mechanisms. I’m not saying a strong youth group and church community is all they need, but what I am saying that you can have everything else you think your teen needs, but without these two things, don’t expect to have a spiritually healthy and mature teen. Maybe there are teens out there who defy this claim, but honestly, I can’t think of one out of my own experience. As a parent, youth group and church involvement should be a non-negotiable part of your teen’s life, and that means they take priority over homework (do it the night before), sports, or any other extra-curricular commitments.

Don’t be the parent who is soft on these two commitments, but pushes their kid in schooling, sports, etc. In general, what you sow into determines what you reap; if you want to reap a teenager who has a genuine, flourishing faith, don’t expect that to happen if you’re ok with their commitment to youth group/church to be casual and half-hearted.

3. Outsourcing your teen’s spiritual formation.

While youth group and church is very important, another mistake I see Christian parents make is assuming them can completely outsource the spiritual development of their child to these two things. I see the same pattern when it comes to Christian education: parents sometimes choose to send their children/teens to Christian schools, because by doing so they think they’ve done their parental duty to raise their child in a godly way.

As a parent–and especially if you are a Christian yourself–YOU are THE key spiritual role model and mentor for your teen. And that isn’t “if you want to be” either–that’s the way it is. Ultimately, you are charged with teaching and modelling to your teen what follow Jesus means, and while church, youth groups, Christian schools can be a support to that end, they are only that: support mechanisms.

Read Deuteronomy 6 for an overview of what God expects from parents as it relates to the spiritual nurture and development of their children. (Hint: it’s doesn’t say, “Hand them off to the youth pastor and bring them to church on Sunday.”)

2. Not expressing genuine love and like to your teen.

It’s sad that I have to write this one at all, but I’m convinced very few Christian parents actually express genuine love and “like” to their teen. It can become easy for parents to only see how their teen is irresponsible, failing, immature, etc., and become a harping voice instead of an encouraging, empowering one.

Do you intentially set aside time to tell your teen how much you love and admire them? Do you write letters of encouragement to them? Do you have “date nights” where you spend time together and share with them the things you see in them that you are proud of?

Your teen won’t ask you for it, so don’t wait for an invitation. Everyday say something encouraging to your teen that builds them up (they get enough criticism as it is!). Pray everyday for them and ask God to help you become one of the core people in your teen’s life that He uses to affirm them.

1. Expecting your teen to have a devotion to God that you are not
cultivating within yourself.

When I talk to Christian parents, it’s obvious that they want their teen to have a thriving, dynamic, genuine, life-giving faith. What isn’t so clear, however, is whether that parent has onethemselves. When it comes to the Christian faith, most of the time what we learn is caught and not taught. This means that even if you have the “right answers” as a parent, if you’re own spiritual walk with God is pathetic and stilted, your teen will unconciously follow suit. Every day you are teaching your teach (explicitely and implicitely) what discipleship to Jesus looks like “in the flesh.”

What are they catching from you? Are you cultivating a deep and mature relationship with God personally, or is your Christian parenting style a Christianized version of “do as I say, not as I do”?

While having a healthy and maturing discipleship walk as a parent does not garauntee your teen will follow in your footsteps, expecting your teen to have a maturing faith while you follow Jesus “from a distance” is an enormous mistake.

You are a Christian before you are a Christian parent (or any other role). Get real with God, share your own struggles and hypocrisy with your entire family, and maybe then God will begin to use your example in a positive and powerful way.


This post was written by Pastor Jeff Strong.  You can find the original post here:  http://meredisciple.com/blog/2010/06/top-ten-mistakes-christian-parents-of-teens-make/
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Sports vs Church

5/29/2014

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Last Sunday morning I found myself sitting on a soccer field with one of my children for a tournament game. It was a beautiful morning. The sun was shining. I was enjoying some fabulous coffee.

I was also experiencing great frustration and conflict. I was frustrated because I could count 20 families from our church who were also at sports games that morning. This meant that these families were not at church.

I was also conflicted as I reflected on how I got into this situation. My husband and I know the value of church family. We know that consistency is very important for our children to build relationships with their church family and to grow as disciples of Christ. We have made many decisions over the years to say “no” to other things in order to say “yes” to church. And, yet, here I was on a soccer field on a Sunday morning! A couple weeks earlier the coach gathered the parents around and presented this opportunity for the soccer tournament that would land on a Saturday and Sunday. The way it was put to us, I felt like I had no choice but to participate. The team wouldn’t be able to play in the tournament unless everyone chose to play. If we said no, we would be letting down 12 other kids.

So, here I was sitting on the sidelines of a soccer game contemplating the predicament of so many families. Many families I’ve talked to about this feel like they have no choice for a variety of reasons. Maybe it’s a sport that our kids love, maybe there are opportunities that would be missed if we pulled our kids, maybe we feel an obligation to a team, maybe there’s real potential in our little athletes that may never be recognized. There are many reasons that we come to the decisions that keep our families away from church. I completely understand how we get there – but I also know the long term effect that missing church will take on our families. And that’s the predicament that has been tormenting me.

Now, I’m not saying that one missed Sunday is going to derail your children’s spiritual growth. But I have noticed that our society is set up to undermine this discipline of regular fellowship with our church family.  So unless we are very vigilant to protect our church commitment, we can quickly find that one Sunday missed has become many Sundays missed, and before long church has ceased to be a habit and is reduced to something we do when we don’t have anything else to do on Sunday mornings.

When we say “yes” to one thing, we are saying “no” to something else. I have seen it too easily happen that without meaning to reject church, families are saying “yes” to extracurricular activities – but this “yes” is also a “no” to consistency at church activities and developing relationships with our church family.  I have spoken to so many parents who spend years on the field, at the pool, on the ski slopes, in the gym, or in the studio and when they get to the other side of these years have deep regrets. Their children don’t want to go to church, they don’t have relationships with peers or leaders who know and love Jesus, and they have not developed the discipline of making church a priority. These parents who now have grown children have expressed that they would do it different if they could go back and do it again. I have had several parents with grown children express that it was not worth it. They did not carefully guard their priorities and allowed other commitments to push out what was most important. They can look back and see that the time spent on other activities directly affected their children’s relationship with church and this directly affected their relationship with God.

Church attendance is not the goal…however, church is the way that God has provided for people to grow in their knowledge and love of who God is and build relationships with other disciples and from this time of focusing on Jesus and connecting with others who love Jesus we can go out into the world and spread the good news of Jesus Christ and his love with others.

I’m back to my predicament….I know that church is important….I also feel like I don’t have a choice sometimes. Can we learn from the parents that have gone before us? Can we step back a bit and think about the adults that we are raising? What if our children get to their early 20’s and have no relationship with God or other disciples of Jesus? Will we look back and say, “Well, at least they made it to the championships!”? Or will we look back with regrets and disappointment that our priorities were not reflected on our calendar?

Like I said earlier, this particular weekend I could count 20 families in the same position that I found myself in. Most were also frustrated and feeling helpless. Most of my friends find themselves making this no-win choice at some point in the year depending on the season. Many families are even sacrificing rest and are so busy and going so hard that they are making themselves physically sick.

Could there be a better way?  What if we ALL joined together and said, “NO! No more sports on Sundays!”? When we were kids, there was never anything scheduled on Sundays. We never had to choose between sports and church. Sundays were saved for church and family and gathering with friends. Can we reclaim our Sundays if we all worked together?

I propose that we give it a try! I also will say that even if our society won’t cooperate, for me and my family I will do what I can to maintain consistency for my children to be at church and build relationships with other kids and youth who know and love Jesus! I will not tell you what is best for your family…I will encourage you to take some time out to prayerfully consider this, talk it over with your spouse, and make sure your priorities determine your calendar and not the other way around.


This post was written by Echo Kayser.  You can find her original post here:  http://familydiscipleshippath.com/2013/11/22/sports-vs-church/
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