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8 things to never say to to your spouse

12/31/2015

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After 15 years of marriage we’ve learned that there are definitely some things you should never say to your spouse. While there will be times that you don’t see eye-to-eye on things, what you say to one another in those moments should be thought out with care. Why? Because words can sting and drive a wedge of division between you and your spouse. While working through such spats isn’t any fun, we work hard as a couple to remember the long term effects of our words. Here are 8 things you should never say to your spouse.

“I want a divorce.”

This is the top thing never to say to your spouse. There is a heavy meaning behind it and the results, given the circumstances, could be devastating to your marriage. When things are really tough, we are often guilty of saying things that are hurtful. This one tops the list as it is your way of telling your spouse that you’re done trying and you are giving up on him/her and the union that you vowed to share. These are not words to throw around nor threaten with. Unless you have biblical grounds for divorce, keep these words away from your lips and the ears of your spouse!

“I’m sorry, but…”
When things get heated, we often say that we’re sorry for the way that we’re acting. It’s important that you stop right there. Don’t try to justify your words or actions. By adding a “but” to your apology, you are simply saying that you feel that you acted correctly. It won’t help to diffuse your argument …it will only add more fuel to the burning embers.

“I’m disgusted by you.”
As we work through marriage together we are a constant work in progress. We’re exploring uncharted territory and, even now, are learning how to make it work. We both work each and every day to make one another happy. If you express disappointment or disgust in your spouse, you’re saying that he/she isn’t making you happy no matter how hard they’re working on it. It never feels good to hear that someone is disgusted by you, ever. Especially when you actually care what that person thinks.

“My mom/dad never…”
Often, when we look at our parents and the roles that they filled in our growing up years, we hold them up on pedestals and aspire to create the life for ourselves that we experienced as children. Women often (unconsciously) expect the same strengths in their husbands that they saw in their fathers. Men expect their wives to nurture in the same ways that their mothers did.
Comparing your spouse to your parent puts them at an unfair advantage. First, you didn’t marry your mom/dad…you are married to someone who didn’t grow up with the same experiences as you and is a different person because of it. Second, as children we are often unaware of our parents’ weaknesses. Though you may feel that your parents were the best, there may have been some qualities that you didn’t see, making them just as imperfect as you and your spouse.

And on the flip-side, don’t blame your spouse for the short-comings of your parents either. It simply has nothing to do with them. Leave the issues you may have with your upbringing where they belong: between you and your parents.

“You’re messing up the kids.”
As already mentioned, we all had different experiences growing up. We had different traditions, values and common routines. When it comes to parenting, we often imitate what we experienced. Just because the way you grew up seemed a certain way to you doesn’t mean that your spouse doesn’t feel the same about his/her experience. Rather than criticizing one another for differences in parenting; work together to develop common approaches, knowing that each of you has a lot of good to bring to the table. A few of our favorite books to approach this subject together are: Parenting is Heart Work, The Power of a Praying Parent, and Boundaries with Kids: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives. While we have other books we love on this subject, those are our top three.

“I’m leaving.”
It’s natural that, when you’re arguing, you want to get yourself away from the frustration. It’s important, however, that you work through that desire to leave. By leaving the situation you are non-verbally telling your spouse that you are unwilling to work through the challenge and don’t value solving the problem together. And empty threats only build up animosity and unforgiveness – neither which are beneficial to a marriage.

“It’s not worth it.”
Sometimes, when we’re frustrated, we find ourselves feeling that continuing down a familiar path of hashing out a problem isn’t worth the effort. It seems that it’s fruitless and will conclude with hurt on both sides of the argument. Rather than relaying that you don’t feel the discussion is worth the time, take a step back, take a deep breath, and try to calmly work through the problem together. Despite your feelings at the height of the argument, taking the time to talk really will be worth it in the long run. And if you need some time to think about it before proceeding, that’s okay too. Just be sure that you communicate that well with your spouse so they understand you are not giving up, rather you need time to process.
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“If you don’t ___, then I will___.”
Marriage is all about communication with one another. As you talk through the life that you share, your hopes and dreams for your marriage should be part of your shared understanding. Negotiations and ultimatums should never be a part of a heated conversation with your spouse. They show power over her and place her in a place of having to abide by what you say. Another way to phrase this (when things are calmed down) is “I have an idea about___, I’d be willing to do ___ if you’re willing to ___.”

​This post was written by Mike & Carlie.  You can find their original post here:  
http://www.fulfillingyourvows.com/8-things-never-say-spouse/

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6 trends that are redefining the American church

12/30/2015

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In 1998, most Americans didn’t use the Internet or have a cell phone. The terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001 were still three years away. Needless to say, the nation has changed significantly in the last few decades. And churches are no different.

The National Congregations Study, directed by Mark Chaves of Duke Divinity School, has tracked changes in American congregational life since 1998. The most recent findings give an updated look at the modern church.
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The new data shows six trends redefining the shape of the church today.

1. Separation between smallest and largest churches widens.

The average church in America is shrinking, but the average churchgoer is attending a larger church. The average congregation has only 70 regular participants, but the average attendee worships in a congregation with about 400 regular participants.

The largest 7 percent of churches contain about half of all churchgoers. The separation between the shrinking small churches and the growing large churches has only widened since the survey began in 1998.

However, those in smaller churches give more per capita than those in larger churches. A congregation of 100 adults receives about 18 percent more per capita than a congregation with 400 adults.

More churches are claiming no denominational affiliation, which is increasingly common among megachurches. From 1998 to 2012, the percentage of congregations operating outside a denomination grew from 18 to 24 percent.

2. Diversity is increasing.

Church staff is getting more diverse. Overall, 13 percent of senior pastors and 15 percent of other staff within historically white religious traditions are African American, Hispanic, or Asian. Catholics are by far the most diverse, with mainline being the least. Among evangelicals, 14 percent of senior pastors and 17 percent of other staff are ethnic minorities.

Churches themselves are also more diverse. The percentage of churches where no ethnic group constitutes at least 80 percent of the congregation grew to 20 percent in 2012. Among predominately white congregations, the majority have at least some black (69 percent) and Hispanic (62 percent) participants and almost half (48 percent) have Asian participants.

3. Worship services are less formal.

Since 1998, choirs, bulletins, and organs have all declined in churches, while testimonies, saying “Amen,” jumping or shouting, raising hands, applause, drums, and projection equipment have all increased.

In 2012, less than half of all churches used choirs (45 percent) or organs (42 percent) for worship. In 1998, both were used in a majority of churches. Only 35 percent of evangelical churches now use a choir. Projection equipment made the steepest climb, up 23 points to 35 percent of all congregations in 2012.

4. Churches are starting more sites, but fewer worship services. 

While 62 percent of congregations have more than one worship service in a typical week, that has become less common. The drop came predominately among smaller churches.

By contrast, multisite is on the rise. While only 3.4 percent of all congregations were multisite in 2012, 10 percent of all churchgoers attended a multisite church. Among churches with at least 500 adult participants, more than 16 percent have multiple locations.

5. Mainline Protestantism continues to decline.

What was once the most vibrant strand of American religiosity continues to wane. Since 1998, mainline Protestant congregations have dropped from 26 percent in 1998 to 20 percent in 2012, the latest year of the research. The percentage of attendees among existing churches has also declined from 24 to 17 percent.

Not only are they in decline, mainline Protestant churches are getting older. The typical American congregation was founded 58 years ago. For mainline churches, it’s 122 years. By comparison, the typical evangelical church is 30 years old.

The older mainline churches are full of older individuals as well. More than half (56 percent) of adults in a typical mainline church are over 60. That age group comprises only a third (32 percent) of the typical evangelical church.

6. Church political engagement defies expectations.

Some churches mix political engagement with their worship, but it might not be the ones you expect. Slightly more than one-third (34 percent) of churches participated in at least one of eight political activities asked about in the survey.

Evangelicals are the least politically active tradition with only 23 percent taking part in at least one activity. One-third (33 percent) of mainline churches, fewer than half (45 percent) of Black Protestants, and three-fourths (75 percent) of Catholics participated in at least one political activity.

Despite the media attention on political engagement, churches are much more likely to be involved in social services—87 percent of churches are involved in some kind of social service.

Churches are twice as likely to have a homeless ministry or be involved in an education service than to have a political candidate as a visiting speaker or lobby an elected official.

This post was written by Aaron Earls.  You can find his post here:  http://factsandtrends.net/2015/12/17/6-trends-redefining-the-american-church/#.Vn1dsdCTkZF



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7 things youth need from their parents so they won’t abandon God

12/29/2015

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1.) THEY NEED YOU TO STOP HANDING THEIR FAITH OFF TO YOUTH LEADERS.

I grew up in church. But I was never part of a youth group. I didn’t receive formal training in youth ministry. So, when I jumped into youth ministry, the whole thing was new to me.

In the first few months, I noticed something alarming. It appeared as though parents looked to me as the primary person responsible for the spiritual growth of their kids. Why is this alarming? The Bible makes no mention of this model.

Unfortunately, most churches have created this mess. And reinforced it. Calendars are filled with events, and a cultural pressure is placed on young people to get a gold star for perfect attendance. Don’t get me wrong. I am not against youth ministry. I think it is a great tool for building faith in young people.
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But there is a problem when youth ministry becomes THE tool.

Parents, you have the primary responsibility for building faith in your children. Youth leaders exist to equip you and supplement the work you are doing in the home. They don’t exist to replace you.

2.) THEY NEED YOU TO CARE AS MUCH ABOUT THEIR STRUGGLES AS YOU DO ABOUT THEIR SALVATION.

Growing up, I remember numerous conversations with my parents about baptism. My fellowship holds baptism in very high regard. Too high. That’s how I felt, at least. I grew to hate the word “baptism,” and with every conversation about why I needed to be baptized, I took one step further away from God.

Maybe that’s not fair. But that’s where I was. As strange as this sounds, I needed someone to care as much about my struggles as they did about my salvation.

And I struggled mightily in high school. I searched everywhere for my identity. I struggled with lust and pornography. I traveled down dark roads searching for direction.

It was as if my salvation was the only thing that mattered. Eventually, I started to see God this way. He didn’t have much to say about my present struggles. He just wanted me to be “saved.” And I didn’t care much for a God who didn’t inform my current situation. So, I left.

Here’s what I learned from that season. While everyone who talked to me was sincere, I believe they were trying to manufacture my salvation. Humans don’t have the power to save someone. That is God’s job.

You can’t manufacture salvation. But you can show people God’s love.

Parents, what you can do is show the love of God to your children. This starts by helping them see their present struggles as God’s concern. Sit down with your children. Talk to them. Show them grace.

As you do this, the gospel will come to life. Because the gospel doesn’t just inform salvation. It informs everything. Addictions. Temptations. Identity issues. And once your children see that God walks with them through their struggles, they will have a stronger desire to give their lives to him.

3.) THEY NEED YOU TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS THEY ARE ASKING.

Today’s culture is extremely complicated and complex. Young people see everything. Information (good and bad) is available on-demand. And as young people battle with difficult questions about sexuality and social issues, among many other things, the world is forming their perspective. Every article. Every conversation. Every video.

It is more important than ever that parents open up space to discuss difficult topics. It’s time to stop turning a blind eye to the questions prevalent in the lives of your kids. Naivety is not an excuse. Awkwardness and tension won’t work as excuses either.
I never had a conversation (at least not one I remember) with any adult about sex growing up. Nothing about lust. Nothing about God’s design for purity. Nothing about masturbation. I never had a conversation about alcohol. I was battling these questions, but Christians weren’t there to give me answers. So, I tried to figure it out myself. You can only imagine how that worked out for me.

Yes, these conversations are awkward. Yes, they create tension. But your children are asking them. Unless you create space for the hard questions, they will turn to other sources for answers. And that usually doesn’t end well.

4.) THEY NEED YOU TO STOP PROTECTING THEM.

The world is broken. No argument from me there. It seems as though our world is more sinful than ever.

But I wonder what the response would be if the same microscope were placed on cities like Ephesus and Corinth? During the time of Paul, Ephesus was overtaken by witchcraft. Every spring, roughly 1,000,000 people traveled to the temple of Artemis, which was filled with prostitutes. Let’s just say these people weren’t going to the temple to talk about the weather.
To top it off, Ephesus hosted the Festival of Dionysus, a keg party that would have laughed in the face of any St. Paddy’s Day party you have thrown (not that you would do that sort of thing).

So, how does Paul instruct the Ephesians to respond in the midst of a culture blanketed with sin? He tells them to put on the armor of God (Eph. 6:10-20). In other words, jump in the fight. Paul didn’t understand a theology of retreat. There is no such thing. He expected the Christians in Ephesus to engage the culture, not run from it.

When the ultimate goal is to make sure our children never experience the evils of the world, we not only do them an injustice socially, we rob them of seeing the gospel’s transformative power.

As a parent, your goal should not be to teach your kids how to flee from evil. Your goal should be to show them how to engage it. For the glory of God. In those spaces, they will see the gospel. And it will become real.

5.) THEY NEED TO SEE GOD AS MORE THAN RULES AND CHURCH ATTENDANCE.

Every decision, every thought, and every action comes down to this: in whom do I place my trust?

Looking back on my childhood, this was the most important factor in my faith as I transitioned into college. I needed to see that my parents trusted the promises of God. I needed to see that my parents made decisions as though God was real and alive, not a set of rules or a list of “do’s and don’ts.” I got that from my mom. Not so much from my dad.

And until God surrounded me with men who modeled an unwavering trust in Him, I thought following Jesus was just a piece of the puzzle.

Parents, especially fathers, never underestimate the impact of your decisions on your children. They need to see you trust God with your time and money. They need to see you approach your job as a mission field. They need to see you love people well. All people. They need to see you trust the promises of God in Scripture.

If you boil Christian living down to church attendance and morality, your children will notice. And who wants to follow a God who is nothing more than rules and showing up to a building? I sure don’t.

6.) THEY NEED TO SEE YOUR STRUGGLES AND DOUBTS.

You need to be strong for your children. They need to see that you have it together. I understand that. But let’s get real for a second. God is mysterious. Faith is not easy. Some questions about God don’t have easy answers. You have probably experienced days where you considered throwing in the towel.

Join the party. I want you to meet some people. These are the apostles. Yeah, the ones who walked with Jesus and started the church. Yes, they are at the “I have doubted my faith at some point” party.

Parents, your kids have doubts. And they need to see that you have doubts as well. Otherwise, when questions about God come, your kids will either internalize them or turn to another source for answers. Both are bad options.

I am not telling you to have confession hour every night. But there is power in vulnerability and authenticity. Your kids need to know you are human. And they need to know the path to intimacy with God involves seasons of doubt and struggle.

7.) THEY NEED YOU TO PLEAD FOR GOD TO BUILD AND SUSTAIN THEIR FAITH.

Parents, in the journey to lay a foundation of faith for your children, nothing is more important than prayer. Pray for your children. Pray with your children. Every day.

The best part of my day is when my boys lay in bed and ask Tiffani and I to pray for them. I also know a day will probably come when they won’t ask us to pray for them. Instead, we will have to fight through the tension and pray for them even though they don’t necessarily want us to. But we are committed to praying for them every night.

I am eternally grateful for my mom. She is awesome! And I am convinced that my faith is a product of her relentless devotion to prayer. I think my mom prayed so much eventually God got tired of hearing her ask for transformation in my life. So, after years of hearing thousands of versions of the same prayer, he called me back home. And I haven’t looked back sense.
Even if your child is a long way from God, He is only one prayer from them.

Never stop praying for your kids. Don’t allow their current circumstances to impact God’s power. Even if your child is light years from God, God is only a prayer away from them. One prayer can change everything.

This post was written by Frank Powell.  You can find the original post at:  http://www.faithit.com/parents-push-their-kids-away-from-god-realizing/
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Christmas blues

12/28/2015

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The Christmas holiday tends to affect some people in very negative ways -- ways which manifest in depression, loneliness, and lack of zest for living. Some people miss the innocence of their childhood; others long for a lost parent(s) or other loved one; still others lean more toward loneliness, when this holiday is meant to draw people closer together. Some in this latter category can feel lonely even with a lot of people around. Whether at family functions, shopping at the mall, or out with family or friends they tend to feel lonely just the same. 

Depressing, lonely seasons of our lives are inevitable: they seem to arrive whether or not we are ready, whether or not we welcome them. Even Jesus knew well these human experiences. (Heb. 2:14) The trick is not to allow these feelings to overpower and rule us. We can be touched by them; but we should not be controlled by them. We must protect ourselves from these experiences so that they do not debilitate our daily living. Our response to these issues will determine the outcome. 

Henri Nouwen writes: 
"One of life's great questions centers not on what happens to us, but rather, how we will live in and through whatever happens. We cannot change most circumstances in our lives. . . .  Our choice, then, often revolves around not what has happened or will happen to us, but how we will relate to life's turns and circumstances. Put another way: Will I relate to my life resentfully or gratefully?"  

Though difficult, I must make the effort to step back from my situation in order to view it as it really is: merely circumstantial. In other words, life situations are not etched in stone, unchangeable. The mighty Spirit of God maintains the power to change my circumstances. 

Again, Nouwen writes, "We are called time and again to discover God's Spirit at work within our lives, within us, amid even the dark moments. We are invited to choose life. A key in understanding suffering has to do with our not rebelling at the inconveniences and pains life presents to us." 

Whether I am reading this from a prison, an impoverished village, a lonely college dorm room, a mansion or the White House, the Lord is near and ready to see me through another situation. He loves me greatly, and He longs for me to rest in Him.

My location has nothing to do with me, on a personal level, and neither do my circumstances. As a matter of fact, what seem to be impossible situations are yet another way for God to appear and show Himself victorious. This does not mean that I will not have to endure any longer my present situation. But it does mean that God can change how I view that situation. From His perspective, I can walk through (not to) the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil because He is with me, His shepherd's rod and staff leading and guiding my path toward Him. (Psalm 23)

Henri J.M. Nouwen, Turn My Mourning Into Dancing: Finding Hope in Hard Times (Nashville: W Publishing Group)


This post was written by William Birch.  You can find his blog here:  
​http://www.williambirch.net

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Sunday Meditation

12/27/2015

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This Is Freedom Indeed
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"For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God." —  Colossians 3:3 (KJV).

True liberty of spirit is found in those, and in those only, who, in the language of De Sales, "keep the heart totally disengaged from every created thing, in order that they may follow the known will of God." In other words, it is found with those who can say, with the Apostle Paul, that they are "dead, and their life is hid with Christ in God." The ruling motive in the breast of the man of a religiously free spirit is, that he may, in all cases and on all occasions, do the will of God. In that will his "life is hid." The supremacy of the divine will, in other words, the reign of God in the heart, necessarily has a direct and powerful operation upon the appetites, propensities, and affections; keeping them, each and all, in their proper place. As God rules in the heart, every thing else is necessarily subordinate. It is said of the Savior himself that "he pleased not himself," but that he came "to do his Father's will."

Another thing, which can be said affirmatively and positively is, that those, who are spiritually free, are led by the Spirit of God. A man, who is really guided by his appetites, his propensities, or even by his affections, his love of country, or any thing else other than the Spirit of God, cannot be said to be led by that divine Spirit. The Spirit of God, ruling in the heart, will not bear the presence of any rival, any competitor. In the heart of true liberty the Spirit of God rules, and rules alone: so that he, who is in the possession of this liberty, does nothing of his own pleasure or his own choice. That is to say, in all cases of voluntary action, he does nothing under the impulse and guidance of natural pleasure or natural choice alone. His liberty consists in being free from self; in being liberated from the dominion of the world; in lying quietly and submissively in the hands of God; in leaving himself, like clay in the hands of the potter, to be molded and fashioned by the divine will. Natural liberty may be said to consist in following the natural sentiments; in doing our own desires and purposes, which naturally throng in upon the soul and take possession.

It is like a strong man, that is under the complete control of his irregular passions. Spiritual liberty consists in passively, yet intelligently and approvingly, following the leadings of the Holy Ghost. It is like a  little child, that reposes in simplicity and in perfect confidence on the bosom of its beloved mother. Natural liberty combines, with the appearance of liberty; the reality of subjection. He, who has but natural liberty, is a slave to himself. In spiritual liberty it is just the opposite. He, who is spiritually free, has entire dominion over himself. Spiritual liberty implies, with the fact of entire submission to God, the great and precious reality of interior emancipation. He, who is spiritually free, is free in God. And he may, perhaps, be said to be free in the same sense in which God is; who is free to do every thing right and nothing wrong. 

This is freedom indeed. This is the liberty, with which Christ makes free. This is emancipation, which inspires the songs of angels; a freedom, which earth cannot purchase, and which hell cannot shackle.


— edited from The Interior or Hidden Life (1844) Part 2, Chapter 14 by Thomas Cogswell Upham.  You can find more of his work at the blog, The Hidden Life, managed by Craig L Adams at:  
http://thomascupham.blogspot.com​

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Surprise!

12/26/2015

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Gold leaves of autumn
New buds in spring
Summer’s warm magic
Winter’s cold ring--

Coming and going
Time’s rise and fall
Years building ages
Time touching all--

So our lives mingle
So our lives blend
So our lives struggle
So our lives end.

High above meaning
Wider than mind
Deeper than sorrow
Kinder than kind

God stands before us
Wonder in one
Loving with passion
Sending his Son--

Power in weakness
Heaven in hay
God’s incarnation
With us this day.

IMMANUEL!

This poem was written by Howard Snyder.  Go here for the original post:  http://howardsnyder.seedbed.com/2015/12/25/surprise/


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Merry Christmas!

12/25/2015

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Have a slappy "happy" Christmas

12/24/2015

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Santa Claus had his origins in St. Nicholas, the fourth-century bishop of Myra in present-day Turkey. Known for his generosity and his love of children, Nicholas is said to have saved a poor family's daughters from slavery by tossing into their window enough gold for a rich dowry, a present that landed in some shoes or, in some accounts, stockings that were hung up to dry. Thus arose the custom of hanging up stockings for St. Nicholas to fill. And somehow he transmogrified into Santa Claus, who has become for many people the secular Christmas alternative to Jesus Christ.

But there is more to the story of Nicholas of Myra. He was also a delegate to the Council of Nicea in a.d. 325, which battled the heretics who denied the deity of Christ. He was thus one of the authors of the Nicene Creed, which affirms that Jesus Christ is both true God and true man. And unlike his later manifestation, Nicholas was particularly zealous in standing up for Christ.

During the Council of Nicea, jolly old St. Nicholas got so fed up with Arius, who taught that Jesus was just a man, that he walked up and slapped him! That unbishoplike behavior got him in trouble. The council almost stripped him of his office, but Nicholas said he was sorry, so he was forgiven.

The point is, the original Santa Claus was someone who flew off the handle when he heard someone minimizing Christ. Perhaps we can battle our culture's increasingly Christ-less Christmas by enlisting Santa in his original cause. The poor girls' stockings have become part of our Christmas imagery. So should the St. Nicholas slap.

Not a violent hit of the kind that got the good bishop in trouble, just a gentle, admonitory tap on the cheek. This should be reserved not for out-and-out nonbelievers, but for heretics (that is, people in the church who deny its teachings), Christians who forget about Jesus, and people who try to take Christ out of Christmas.

This will take a little tweaking of the mythology. Santa and his elves live at the North Pole where they compile a list of who is naughty, who is nice, and who is Nicean. On Christmas Eve, flying reindeer pull his sleigh full of gifts. And after he comes down the chimney, he will steal into the rooms of people dreaming of sugarplums who think they can do without Christ and slap them awake.

And we'll need new songs and TV specials ("Santa Claus Is Coming to Slap," "Deck the Apollinarian with Bats of Holly," "Frosty the Gnostic," "How the Arian Stole Christmas," "Rudolph the Red Knows Jesus").

Department store Santas should ask the children on their laps if they have been good, what they want for Christmas, and whether they understand the Two Natures of Christ. The Santas should also roam the shopping aisles, and if they hear any clerks wish their customers a mere "Happy Holiday," give them a slap.

This addition to his job description will keep Santa busy. Teachers who forbid the singing of religious Christmas carols-SLAP! Office managers who erect Holiday Trees-SLAP! Judges who outlaw manger displays-SLAP! People who give The Da Vinci Code as a Christmas present-SLAP! Ministers who cancel Sunday church services that fall on Christmas day-SLAP! SLAP!

Perhaps Santa Claus in his original role as a theological enforcer may not go over very well in our contemporary culture. People may then try to take both Christ and Santa Claus out of Christmas. And with that economic heresy, the retailers would start to do the slapping.

The original post was copied from:  
http://www.worldmag.com/2005/12/slappy_holiday

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The Bishop of Myra - the real St Nick

12/23/2015

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The little seaside town of Demre, in Turkey, isn’t exactly the North Pole. It rarely snows there. Palm trees and orange groves dot the landscape. You won’t hear sleigh bells here, just the sound of the Muslim call to prayer from the minarets of the town mosques. No reindeer live here, and elves are extremely rare. NORAD won’t paying much attention to Demre this Christmas Eve, and most folks wrapping presents to put under the tree won’t give it a thought, either. In fact, virtually no one living in Demre celebrates Christmas, and yet this little town is the second most important town in the world next to Bethlehem when it comes to Christmas

See, Demre is the hometown of the original Saint Nicholas, who was born near there sometime in the late third century AD. There’s an old 8th century Church of St. Nicholas there that once housed the saint’s bones, and even though it is only active as a church one day a year (St. Nicholas Day, December 6), tourists come from around the world to see the birthplace of the one most of them know as Santa Claus.

Of course, the town of Demre cashes in on these interested tourists. You can buy Santa Claus-themed merchandise here that’s as plentiful as any you’d find in, say, Santa Claus, Indiana—everything from key chains, to icons, to Santa earrings.

If you traveled to Demre between 1981 and 2000, you would have seen a statue of Saint Nicholas dressed as Father Christmas—a figure in a hooded robe carrying a sack of toys and surrounded by children. In 2000, Russian sculptor Gregory Pototsky presented Demre with a bronze statue of an Eastern Orthodox Saint Nicholas, dressed in the vestments of a Christian bishop and standing atop a globe. The statue stood prominently right in the middle of the town square, which was unusual for a country that is nearly 100% Muslim.

Five years later, the town replaced this statue with one of an American style Santa Claus with a bell in his right hand, making him look like an overly zealous Salvation Army ringer. The plaster of Paris statue was designed to appeal to international tourists by making Santa more recognizable—more like the image of Santa developed by Coca Cola in the early 20th century—a Santa that’s less a religious figure and more the patron saint of consumerism.

So, which one of these is the real Saint Nicholas? What picture emerges when we cut through all the legend and commercialism? If Demre is confused, then we are certainly no less so. On Christmas Eve, millions of people will recite famous Clement Moore poem “A Visit from Saint Nicholas” (aka The Night Before Christmas) as a bedtime story for anxious children all tucked in their beds, with visions of X-boxes and iPods dancing in their heads. Well, there’s a very different story that needs to be told—a story of a man whose whole life was focused on following the one born in a manger.

The story begins around the year 260AD in the little village of Patara, just a few miles from the town of Demre (which was called Myra at the time). The apostle Paul had passed through Myra 200 years before as a prisoner on his way to Rome  and he very likely preached there. A Christian church was planted in Myra sometime after Paul’s visit, and was still in place when Nicholas was born.

Nicholas’ parents were Christians, and as a child he heard the stories of the Bible—he sang the Psalms in worship and heard the good news about Jesus—the stories of his birth in Bethlehem, his teaching and healing, his death on a cross and his resurrection from the dead. The church would have met in a large home and not a separate building, and Nicholas would have heard the Scriptures read by the elders and shared in holy communion there each week. Sometimes the church would meet in the town graveyard to remind themselves of the promise of Easter and the resurrection.

This is not church as we experience it tonight, however. Being a Christian in Nicholas’ day would have been a dangerous proposition. Just a few years before he was born, several members of the church in Myra were put to death by Roman authorities for refusing to make sacrifices to the Roman gods. Nicholas’ family would have reminded him of this danger, but they would also remind him that suffering persecution was, as Peter put it, a chance to “participate in the sufferings of Christ” (1 Peter 4:13).

Nicholas’ name in Greek meant “victory for the people,” and from the very beginning he seemed to look and act like a saint. He had a strong moral compass and avoided all the usual temptations of young people in Roman society—temptations of money, sex, and grabbing for political power. According to his 8th century biographer, Michael the Archimandrite, “He never strayed far from the church and, like a nest to a dove the church was to him a refreshment and a comfort. His mind was illuminated by the teachings, and day by day he grew towards a pure and gentle compassion.”

When Nicholas was a teenager, tragedy struck when both his parents died in an epidemic of plague that swept through the region of Lycia in the mid-third century. Nicholas was left alone, but not without help. His parents had apparently been wealthy, probably merchants who plied their trade through the ships coming in and out of the port of Myra. So they left Nicholas with a large inheritance of money to do with as he pleased. Can you imagine being a teenager with that kind of cash?

Well, rather than take the usual route of squandering the money, Nicholas relied on the faith he had received and, according to Michael, “he asked God that he might dispose of his life and his assets in accordance with [God’s] will. He would have remembered the words of Jesus about wealth—about giving to those in need and holding money loosely. He would have certainly recalled Jesus words to a rich young man who was likely in Nicholas’ very situation: “Go sell your possessions and give to the poor,” Jesus had said to the rich man, “and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come follow me” (Matthew 19:21).

It was customary in Roman society for people to take care of their own families, but not to worry about anyone else. The early Christians shocked Roman sensibilities when they insisted on caring for anyone in need—including societal outcasts like prisoners, widows, and orphans. Nicholas took Jesus’ call seriously, which led him to the first and most famous act of his life.

In Patara there was a once-wealthy man who had lost everything. People didn’t have savings accounts or retirement plans, so a lost ship of merchandise or a bad crop could completely ruin a small family. The man had three daughters, and he became so desperate that he resolved to sell each of them one by one into slavery, which, at the time, often meant sex slavery. The problem was that no one would marry these girls because of their poverty and the father’s inability to provide a dowry, so selling the daughters was the only option left—a common practice in the Roman world.

Nicholas heard of the family’s plight. One night, he took some of the gold his parents had left him, tied it in a small sack, and threw it through the open window of the family’s home. Some accounts say he actually threw the sack down the chimney and the gold landed in the girls’ stockings, which were hung by the fire to dry, though those are likely later additions. Michael describes what happened next:

“When daylight came, the man got up from bed and found in the middle of the house a pile of money. He could not hold back his tears…He gave thanks to God but also tried to understand the meaning of this good
fortune. Deciding to accept the gift as if it had been given by God, the father of the girls took the serendipitously found gold and noticed that the sum corresponded to the amount of money needed for a dowry. Without delay, he adorned the bridal chamber of his oldest daughter. And so his life once again became good, full of joy and peace of mind, thanks to the intervention of the holy Nicholas who had created a way for his daughter to marry.”


Seeing what an effect the gift had had on the family, Nicholas returned two more nights and tossed two more anonymous bags of gold through the open window for the other two daughters. The third time, the father of the girls was waiting in the dark to see who was committing these acts of lavish generosity. When the third bag of gold hit the floor, the man ran outside and found Nicholas and said to him, “If it were not for your goodness, which was stirred up by our Lord Jesus Christ, I have long since consigned my life to ruin and shame.” Nicholas swore the man to secrecy about what he had done, and yet, who could not tell this story eventually?

It’s difficult to express the uniqueness of this act in Nicholas’ time. In those days, in a culture of patronage, anonymous giving simply was not done. Usually, if a wealthy benefactor helped someone, the receiver would be obligated for life (kind of like the Godfather – someday you will do a service for me…). What Nicholas did was completely novel and it had a tremendous impact on the Christian communities who first heard the story. It became the story that identified Nicholas and made him one of the most popular saints in Christian history.

Notice that there’s nothing really magical about this story—no reindeer, no toys, no taking into account who is naughty or nice. It’s simply an act of sacrificial kindness toward someone in need—quite a different story than the one we celebrate in our Christmas specials and shopping malls. Santa Claus, as we know him, is the product of retailers who use him to sell their wares to those who can afford to stack presents under the tree that most of us don’t really need. The real Saint Nicholas was the product of a relationship with Christ, who gave everything away for those who had nothing. No one can do what the magical Santa does. Everyone can do what Nicholas did.

The story doesn’t stop there, however. Nicholas went on to participate in some of the most important events in Christian history. While Nicholas was still a young man, a great persecution of Christians took place under the Roman emperor Diocletian, who needed a scapegoat for the Empire’s precarious economic situation. Nicholas may have been studying for the priesthood when a crisis occurred there in Myra—every bishop (or overseer) of the church there had been imprisoned or killed, one after the other. One night in the year 295, the senior bishops of the area gathered to pray through the night for God to lead them to the person they could ordain as the next bishop of Myra. One of the bishops received a vision, where God told him to go with the others to the house of God and wait there for the first person to walk through the door in the morning. His name will be Nicholas.

Sure enough, Nicholas was the first to cross the threshold of the church that morning. Nicholas became one of the youngest bishops ever in the church—about the same age as Jesus when he started his public ministry. The bishop was both a man of the people and a man of God, executing the ministries of the church in the example of Christ. Nicholas fit the bill perfectly, and while being ordained a bishop was a huge honor for someone so young, it would not be easy.

No sooner had Nicholas been ordained as bishop than he was arrested on religious charges, imprisoned without trial, and was beaten and tortured. A common torture dealt to Christian prisoners was to blind their right eyes and cut the sinews of their left ankles. Nicholas born the scars of holding to his faith, even though he escaped becoming a martyr. For the majority of his tenure as Bishop of Myra, Christians were a hated minority, a target for angry mobs and the whims of the emperor. Still, Nicholas was steadfast in his ministry with the people, despite the scars he carried in his
own body.

When the emperor Constantine took over in the early 4th century, Christianity went almost overnight from being a persecuted minority to the religion of the empire. He called together a great council to standardize the church’s doctrines and Nicholas was part of the 300 or so bishops who gathered for the discussion and debate. It must have been a sight—a gathering of old bishops, many of them missing eyes and limping, some missing limbs—looking more like a gathering of pirates than a collection of religious leaders. The debates were intense, the major question being whether Jesus was actually God in the flesh, the same substance as God, or only a being “like” God. Nicholas believed what John’s Gospel said about Jesus, that Jesus, the Word was with God and was God—the Word that became flesh and dwelt among us.

He argued fiercely for this biblical position and, according to some sources, even slapped the heretic bishop Arius across the face in a fit of righteous rage. Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice! He apologized, of course, but his zeal for Christ was always evident.

The stories of Nicholas’ Christian deeds of justice and compassion are myriad. When back in Myra, he heard of some men who were falsely accused of a crime and were about to be beheaded. He advocated on their behalf and, acting as their advocate, got them acquitted because of his reputation as an honest bishop. For this reason, the saint who would be Santa Claus became the patron saint of prisoners.  In another instance, Nicholas went to the emperor to plead the case of his people who were under an undue burden of taxes, and got them lowered. There are lots of stories like this concerning Nicholas’ passion for his people. Every one of them reveals that he lived up to his name, “victory for the people.”

When Nicholas died some time in the 330s, he was buried in Myra, but relic seekers managed to take his bones to various places around the world, meaning only parts of Santa Claus actually made it all over the world! Today, most of his remains rest in Bari, Italy, where anthropologists recently constructed what his face might have looked like—not a bit like our Santa Claus, but the same kind of face as the people he served.

There are lots of stories about Saint Nicholas, some of which are true, most of which are the fanciful distortions of legend. Our version of Santa Claus is actually a Scandinavian legend loosely based on the real Saint Nicholas, but many generations removed from the real thing. I don’t know about you, but I find the real story to be the most compelling—the story of a Christmas life, one lived not just once a year, but all the time. A life that is willing to sacrifice, to suffer, to give oneself fully to the work of Christ. It’s a giving life more than a receiving life. It’s the kind of life that Jesus himself would live and invites us to follow him in living ourselves.

Paul’s letter to Titus describes that kind of Christmas life. “For the grace of God has appeared,” says Paul. The Word of God became flesh in the form of a baby in a manger, the one who came to save us all. This grace, this gift of God is about “training us to renounce impiety and worldly passions, and in the present age to live lives that are self-controlled, upright and godly.” We don’t merely celebrate the gift of God at Christmas. Like Nicholas, we go out and make that gift a reality. We renounce dependence on the collection of stuff, the indulgence of ourselves and, instead, live lives that are worthy of Christ. Paul goes on to say that Christ will return again—a second Advent—and when he returns, what will he find us doing? Will we be sitting on piles of presents, or will we be silently and secretly changing the lives of people who are in desperate need?

Indeed, says Paul, that’s what the gift of Jesus is all about. “He it is who gave himself for us that he might redeem us from all iniquity and purify for himself a people of his own who are zealous for good deeds.” We are not simply to “be good for goodness sake,” but for the sake of Christ, whose goodness changes the world.

Zealous for good deeds! You want the spirit of Christmas? That’s it. It’s not about us. Christmas is not your birthday. It’s about being zealous to do what Christ has done—not just during the holiday season, but every day. Can we retrain ourselves to move away from consumption and toward generosity? Can we sacrifice a few more toys so that someone who is desperate can survive? Can we stand up for those who are broken, imprisoned, poor, and marginalized? Can we focus on “victory for the people” over poverty, sin, and death? Rather than teaching your kids to be good because Santa is coming or there’s some “elf on the shelf” watching their every move (a holiday version of extortion? But I digress…), teach them the way of Jesus and the example of the real St. Nicholas—to be good for the sake of Christ. That’s a real Christmas life, my friends. Anything else is just a caricature.

What if we made it a goal to represent this Saint Nicholas with our giving to Christ? What if, instead of entering the fray at the mall, we all decided to try and help lift one family out of poverty? What if instead of spending all our time visiting relatives we chose instead to visit someone in prison, or spent time talking to that homeless man on the street? I’m guessing that Christmas would start to feel a lot different—and maybe even honor the Christ child more than any sale or full stocking ever could.

In 2008, the town of Myra replaced the Coca Cola Santa with yet another statue—this one of a Saint Nicholas with Turkish features—a trimmed beard, a patterned jacket, a round Seljuk styled cap or boerk, and he carries on his shoulders not a sack of goodies, but a young child—children were the beneficiaries of many of his acts of kindness. Behind him appears a slightly older boy dressed in a simple tunic. He looks like a common man—someone just like us, someone who could be fully devoted to Christ. We can do extraordinary things if we devote our lives to the manger born King. On Christmas, we just don’t celebrate a holiday, we remember the invitation of Christ, who wants to be born in us—to change us so that we can join him in changing the world for the sake of his kingdom. 


Will you follow him?

As you get ready for bed on Christmas Eve, I hope you will remember the story of this Saint Nicholas—the story of one who gave his life completely to Christ. And then, may you begin living his style of Christmas life every day!

This post was written by Bob Kaylor.  For his original post, go to:  
http://bobkaylor.com/a-christmas-life-the-real-saint-nicholas-a-sermon-for-christmas-eve/

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Boys, video games & porn

12/22/2015

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Picture
A generation of young men is choosing fantasy over reality. At least that’s what Dr. Philip Zimbardo of Stanford University and psychologist Nikita Duncan argue in their new book, The Demise of Guys: Why Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It.

The message of the book is simple: Research is demonstrating that young men are becoming addicted to video games and online pornography on a scale unparalleled by any addiction that we’ve ever seen in history.

But unlike with drugs, alcohol or gambling, these addictions aren’t for ever-increasing quantity. Instead, they drive boys and young men to seek novelty — the next big thrill.

According to Zimbardo and Duncan, it’s the same phenomenon observed in laboratory rats which, when given the opportunity, abandoned food in order to electrically stimulate the part of the brain responsible for pleasure. In effect, the rats gladly “short-circuit” their natural means of enjoyment to get a thrill that felt new every time.

“Young men…who play video games and use porn the most,” say the authors, “are being digitally rewired in a totally new way that demands constant stimulation.”

Not only does this kind of addiction rob guys of the time, money and health they need to do other things, but it also diminishes their ability to enjoy real life, which can never offer stimulation as frequently, easily or in as much variety. As a result, say Zimbardo and Duncan, young men addicted to digital sex and digital soldiering are less able or willing to participate in those acts for real.

A recent study in “Psychology Today,” which I talked about last year on “The Point,” reinforces this prognosis. The study found that men who regularly viewed internet pornography actually lost their ability to perform in real-life sexual relationships.

As a consequence of this over-stimulation, boys are now growing up with “new brains.” Not only are they poorly wired for traditional learning, they lack the capacity for strong romantic relationships. Why? Because they tend to be largely unable to delay gratification or set long-term goals.  They have to live for now.

And as any junkie knows, this ultimately makes us miserable. A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reveal that “regular porn users,” despite constant stimulation and excitement, are more likely to report depression…poor physical health,” and “isolation.” And we all probably know young men who could use a little more playtime with real people and a lot less PlayStation.

I’m reminded of a chapter from C. S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters, in which the distinguished old devil, Screwtape, tells his apprentice nephew how to destroy humans with pleasure: “…we always try to work away from the natural condition of any pleasure,” he writes, “to that in which it is least natural, least redolent of its Maker, and least pleasurable. An ever increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure is the formula.”

But simply cursing the darkness here won’t solve anything. We need to recognize that, as Screwtape himself admits, all pleasures — even destructive ones — are originally based on God’s good design.

Young men are supposed to desire sex — within marriage. And, while all right in moderation, video games aren’t the true outlet for the male desire to be heroic and to fight for worthy causes.

We need to learn how to replace counterfeit pleasure with legitimate pleasure, encouraging young men to set aside cheap imitations and prepare themselves spiritually, morally, and emotionally to pursue the real thing.

This is a place where the church can lead culture — by leading the rescue effort for this generation of young men.

This post was written by John Stonestreet.  For the original post, go to:  
​https://www.lifesitenews.com/opinion/screwtapes-formula-boys-video-games-porn

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