Category: Monogamy - IRONSTRIKES

Mining gold in your marriage

12/5/2014

Though you lie down among the sheepfolds, you will be like the wings of a dove covered with silver, and her feathers with yellow gold. Psalm 68:13

At one time Andrew Carnegie was the wealthiest man in America.

He came to America from his native Scotland when he was a small boy, did a variety of odd jobs, and eventually ended up as the largest steel manufacturer in the United States.

At one time he had forty-three millionaires working for him. In those days a millionaire was a rare person. Conservatively speaking, a million dollars in his day would be equivalent to at least twenty million dollars today.

A reporter asked Carnegie how he had hired forty-three millionaires.

Carnegie responded that those men had not been millionaires when they started working for him but had become millionaires as a result.

The reporter’s next question was, “How did you develop these men to become so valuable to you that you have paid them this much money?”

Carnegie replied that men are developed the same way gold is mined. When gold is mined, several tons of dirt must be moved to get an ounce of gold. But one doesn’t go into the mine looking for dirt – one goes in looking for the gold.

"Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold." --Leo Tolstoy

That’s exactly the way spouses develop a positive and healthy relationship. It’s unhealthy couples that only see the dirt – the flaws, warts, and blemishes.

If you want a great relationship, look for the gold in each other, the good, not the bad.

Like everything else, the more good qualities we look for in each other, the more good qualities we are going to find. In fact, why don’t you take this opportunity to name one specific quality you see in your spouse right now.

This post is from Drs Les & Leslie Parrott. For more information, go to their website: http://www.lesandleslie.com

Practical purity

10/3/2014

I desire to be sexually pure. I want to be faithful to God, to my wife, to my family, to my church, and to folks who read the blog. Here are some disciplines that I have found to help me to flee sexual temptation. These are not hard fast rules, each man is different, but this is what works for me:

Stay Close to God
I ask God to help me. I ask him to renew my mind. I ask him to keep the enemy away. I ask him to purify my sub conscience. I ask him to show me lies that I have believed, that have warped my sexuality. I ask him to heal me. He is faithful. Staying close to God mean listening to His voice. He knows when I’m tempted, and desires to protect me. Staying close to God requires setting aside my rights. If I sense a prompting from the Spirit to do something (like turn off the computer), I need to do it. Staying close to God also means staying close to others who care – particularly my wife.

Be Accountable to my Wife
Almost every day my wife asks me this question, “Have you been good?” Implicit in her question is whether or not I have looked at pornography or have entertained lustful thoughts. I can’t lie to my wife, and she can sense if I’m not fully honest. So she keeps me accountable. I’m thankful that I have a strong and confident wife who has the courage and strength to ask me these sorts of questions. Word to the men out there: you can’t go alone. You need someone else to keep you accountable. If this issue is too hurtful for your wife (or if you’re single), you need some like-minded Christian men to keep you accountable.

Go to Bed on Time
This is kind of a no brainer, but it works. I’m most likely to be tempted when everyone else has gone to bed and when I’m tired. If I go to bed on time, I avoid the temptation. If I do happen to stay up late, my wife knows to ask me the question above.

Spend Time With My Wife and Family
One aspect of my personality is that I tend to focus exclusively on one thing at a time (like blogging!). Being focused is good when I want to accomplish a task, but it’s bad when it results in neglecting my family. It is a trait that can also lend itself to a selfish inward bent. And that bent leads to temptation. So it’s important for me to set aside time to spend with my wife and family. It results in stronger relationships with them, and keeps me from temptation.

Avoid the Triggers
There are certain triggers for sexual temptations. With some deliberate planning I can usually avoid those triggers. The example above (going to bed) is one of them. Here’s another example: I enjoy reading news online. Some good news sites also promote articles on the side that trigger temptation for me – typically stuff about celebrities or fashion or whatever. Some of the worst are the English/UK news sites. So I liberally apply firefox addblock to block all of the images on those sites. No images, no trigger, and I can still read the news. Your triggers may be different, and you know what they are. If not, ask God, and he will point them out to you. Identify them and plan accordingly.

This post is written by fellow blogger, Kevin Jackson. The original post can be found here. It is reposted here with his permission.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

It's not "cheating"

10/1/2014

He sat across the table from me, trying to convince me that his behavior wasn't hurting anybody. "I'm not having sex, I'm just having some fun!" He proceeded to tell me his story. It's one that I have heard many times. Unfortunately.

His behavior started fairly innocently. He was happily married but there were occasions that his wife would work late. During these times, on occasion, he would call a "chat line." The conversations started out innocent enough but he didn't realize that he was being fleeced. God speaks about this. He says,"with persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk." The young lady on the other end of the phone started flirting with him and tapped into his ego. The next time he called her, she talked about how wonderful he was and how he helped her not to feel so lonely. A few calls later, the trap was sprung. He gave her his credit card number so that she would "tell him things that she knew he wanted to hear." His calls continued with greater frequency. He would get out of bed where his wife was sleeping to call this young lady. She was always available to him and would say things that his wife would never say.

He started to feel guilty and talked to the young lady about not calling her anymore. That is when she set the hook. She told him that she was a college student and that she needed the money to pay for school. She admitted that she did this with just a few men and that they "weren't doing anything wrong."

He looked at me and said, "but, I'm not cheating!!! I'm not having sex with her. We're just having a little fun . No one's getting hurt and I'm helping her pay for her education."

I cautioned him about his behavior. I explained to him what such behavior leads to. That's when he said, "funny you should say that...." He then proceeded with this all too familiar story:

This young lady suggested that they meet. It was a town that he visited on business often. She explained that she offered private services to help men feel more masculine and perform better in bed. She explained that he would enjoy it as "most men do."

He went to the house that she and several other young women (who were working their way thru college too) used to "help men." There was never any intercourse. He was "learning how to let a woman be in charge." He found these lessons exhilarating. He paused in his story, "but, I'm not cheating!!! We aren't having sex and I really like how she makes me feel." It's as if he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.

I would love to be able to tell you that this man conquered this illicit behavior but I cannot. His life became a disaster.

One night when he was talking to this young woman on the phone, his wife happened to be listening on the extension. The next day, when he got home from work, he found his belongings on the yard, the locks changed and a court injunction prohibiting him from ever seeing his wife again. The divorce proceedings were quick and he soon found himself on the street with no home.

I haven't had any contact with him since. I don't know where he is and I don't know if he got help. I do pray for him, hoping that he has turned to God and is living a life that represents Christ well.

Why do I tell you this story? I guess you need to know that it is easy for men to rationalize their sinful behavior. Men have a tendency to compartmentalize their behavior and think that their lives cannot be affected.

God has something to say about this. ‎"The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be."

So, what is in your heart?
Are you pretending?
Ask God to give you a new heart.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

"Christian" swinging????

9/29/2014

A Florida couple who claim to be devout Christians and lovers of exercise say they are joyfully spreading the love of Christ and the Bible through their unconventional wife-swapping and fitness ministry. The wife says she doesn't believe swinging is wrong, but if it is, she'll find out on judgement day.

Dean, 49, and Cristy Parave, 44, revealed in an interview with Barcroft TV (Caution: Note that the referenced video is a tad bit sensual) to YouTube Thursday that they believe the community of fitness swingers they've created and promote on Facebook is "God's plan."

"I feel like right now this is God's plan," said Cristy to Barcroft TV. "The Bible doesn't talk about swinging, specifically. ... I just feel like, as a married couple, if you agree on something together then it's OK. If it's not, like I said, judgment day, I'll find that out."

Through their fitness swinging network Dean and Cristy, who is a bisexual mother of three, explained in a Daily Mail report that they have encountered swingers who are both religious and fans of exercise. Sometimes, however, they encounter people who are unsure about Jesus or are atheists. In these instances, they explained, they would have a light Bible study before they have sex.

"I don't think God would be mad at what we're doing," Cristy told the Daily Mail.

"At first I was conflicted, but the more we looked at it the more it makes sense to us. Dean and I are both in agreement with this lifestyle, so we're not committing adultery. God put people on the earth to breed and enjoy each other. I feel God is always with me and he has put us here for a reason," she said.

The couple, according to the Mail, met on a dating website eight years ago and Dean explained that, before meeting his wife and experiencing God, his life was an aimless, booze-filled nightmare.

"For me, every day used to involve a case of beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels," he recalled. "After my fifth arrest for driving under the influence, I begged God for help."

And God, he said, delivered him from an extended prison sentence.

"I should have been looking at 10 years, but the judge sentenced me to just 10 months in prison. For me that was a sign," he added.

Dean explained that he built a 40-foot cross in his backyard and committed to doing God's work for the rest of his life. And he found his ministry in swinging and exercise.

"If I can go to the next swingers event and get 10 people to believe in Christ, my job's done," Dean told Barcroft TV.

"Swinging, to me, started as a lifestyle. Then, it was like, you know what, we can do a lot of good with this, instead of, you know like, let's just have fun with this. I'm getting to people that probably would never even visit a church," he said.

"What I think about being a devout person is God is not gonna put a lion with a bunch of elephants, so what's he gonna do? He's gonna put a swinger with a bunch of swingers to spread his word, simple as that," he said.

(Editorial note: Here at Ironstrikes, we don't believe that one can be a Christian and also a swinger)

This post was taken from the Christian News Network. For the original post, go to: http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-couple-spreading-gospel-through-wife-swapping-and-fitness-i-dont-think-god-would-be-mad-says-bisexual-wife-127107/

A simple predictor of marital success

9/25/2014

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 2:29

Did you know that how you talk about each other to your friends and family can predict your success as a couple?

A ten-year study at the University of Washington followed 95 couples beginning six months into their marriages. The initial hour-long interview together probed their relationship, their parents' union and their philosophy of marriage.

More than what was actually said, researchers noted …

whether they expressed fondness and admiration for their partner,
if they talked about themselves as a unit,
if they finished each other's sentences,
referenced each other when they told a story,
and whether what came to mind was pleasant.

Turns out that couples characterized by these ways of talking about one another and their relationship are far more likely to enjoy life-long love.

In fact, with this information alone, researchers can predict with 87% accuracy whether a couple will end up divorcing.

Think about that.

How you talk to others about your spouse and your relationship is a huge indicator of the state of your union. Even within just the first six months of marriage, the signs become pretty clear.

The authors of the study found that couples who endure talk to others about their spouse as if they are wearing “rose-colored glasses." Those who will eventually divorce talk to others about their spouse with cynicism.

How can this be?

It comes down to how our attitudes shape the way we view your spouse. If you give public praise to others about your spouse, you will inevitably look more favorably upon him or her yourself.

You will discover a deeper appreciation for your partner than you had before.

In fact, the more opportunities you find to talk positively about your partner when he or she isn’t present, the more likely you are to increase your loving attitudes and behaviors toward him or her. In other words, what you say about your spouse, for good or ill, shapes the way you think, feel, and act in your marriage.

Reflect and Respond - What grade would you give yourself when it comes to how you talk about your spouse to friends and family, and why?

This post was written by Drs Les & Leslie Parrott. You find information about their latest book: YOUR TIME-STARVED MARRIAGE at http://store.lesandleslie.com/collections/your-time-starved-marriage/products/your-time-starved-marriage?mc_cid=4d0b223de0&mc_eid=8676cc37de

10 healthy things for marriage

9/24/2014

It takes work to have a healthy marriage, but it is possible. Just like good nutrition and regular exercise can help you to have a healthy body, there are things you can do to have a healthy marriage.

Here are 10 tips you can use to strengthen your marriage:

1) Spend Time with Each Other. Married partners need time with each other in order to grow strong together. Plan regularly scheduled date nightsand weekend activities. If a getaway is not immediately possible, then make it a goal toward which you will work. By spending time with your partner, you will better understand your differences and how to negotiate the problems they may cause. Forget the “quality vs. quantity time” discussion--healthy marriages need both.

2) Learn to Negotiate Conflict. Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. There is a point, however, when it can increase in intensity and become emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe. Working out problems in a relationship starts with understanding what your issues are and how to discuss them. There are many resources available to help you learn how to deal with conflict. Using these resources can go a long way in preserving how safe you and your partner feel.

3) Show Respect for Each Other at All Times. When a couple fails to respect each other, they often slip into negative habits. Research shows that nothing can damage a relationship quicker than criticisms and put-downs. Treating your partner as you would like to be treated will do a lot to strengthen the bond between you. Paying your partner a compliment is a quick and easy way to show him or her respect. When you are tempted to complain to someone about one of your partner’s flaws, ask yourself how you would feel if he or she did that to you.

4) Learn About Yourself First. Make it a point to work on self-discovery. Many partners enter into relationships without knowing enough about themselves. As a result, they can also have difficulty learning about their partners. Learning about yourself will better equip you to grow as an individual and a partner. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, there are always more things you can learn about him or her. What are his dreams for the future? What is her worst fear? What is the way he or she best gives or receives love? Imagine the intimacy and bond you will share over a lifetime together if you commit to discovering new things about one another!

5) Explore Intimacy. Marital intimacy can open your relationship to a whole new level of enjoyment and closeness. It is important, however, to remember that intimacy does not always mean sexuality. An often forgotten aspect of intimacy is the emotional type. An example of emotional intimacy is creating a safe space for your partner to share his or her emotions without fear of you being judgmental or making light of them. Learn the difference between emotional and physical intimacy and when each one is most appropriate. Offering your partner one type when they really need the other can create problems in your relationship.

6) Explore Common Interests. Couples thrive when they share similar interests. That doesn’t necessarily mean each partner will enjoy every activity, but it opens up the opportunity for greater sharing and compromise. Doing things separately is not bad; however, common interests are important to healthy marriages. A common interest may be cooking or eating new foods together, going for walks or playing cards. The goal is to have something outside of your family that you both enjoy.

7) Create a Spiritual Connection. Many couples grow closer when they share some form of spiritual connection. This can be done in many different ways. For example, it may be achieved through an affiliation with a church, synagogue or mosque, through meditation, or by simply spending time in nature or intimate conversation.

8) Improve Your Communication Skills. The ability to talk and listen to each other is one key to a healthy marriage. You should never assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling. Tell your spouse what is going on and, as a spouse, know when to simply listen. Learning to really hear your partner is a skill that may require practice. There are many resources available like books, marriage education workshops and online courses. All these options can help couples learn how to communicate more effectively.

9) Forgive Each Other. If he or she hasn’t already, your partner is going to do something that hurts, frustrates or upsets you. Guess what—you are going to do the same thing! Sometimes it might even be on purpose, after an argument or misunderstanding. Forgiveness is a tricky but important virtue in a marriage, especially since no one is perfect. Try to allow your partner some room to make a few mistakes because you will also make some of your own. When you make a mistake, act quickly to apologize and fix problems. Doing so will help to encourage forgiveness and strengthen your marriage.

10) Look for the Best in Each Other. When you met your partner, you fell in love with some of his or her wonderful qualities. Over time, however, your view of those qualities may have changed. For example, he may have been really good at saving money when you met. Now you just think he’s cheap! Give each other the benefit of the doubt and create a list of all the things you love about your partner. It will help you to fall in love all over again!

This post comes from the website, TwoOfUs.org. You can find them at: http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/10-things-you-can-do-to-have-a-healthy-marriage/index.aspx

Bill Cosby was right

9/22/2014

Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly. John 7:24

Comedian Bill Cosby said, “For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.”

He’s got a point.

Once the masks are fully removed and a couple settles into married life with their differing personalities, year after year, it can seem quite miraculous that the relationship endures.

What may even be more phenomenal is that a marriage need not only survive, but it can actually thrive in the face of two differing and headstrong personalities that face off day after day.

Of course, we can’t x-ray a personality, but we can observe it.

Why? Because our personality is evident in our behaviors.

We can deduce something, for example, about a person’s temperament when we notice that they do very careful research before buying a camera. And we can deduce something about personality when we see someone purchase a high-priced gadget on impulse.

Our behaviors reveal our personalities.

And as Yogi Berra so famously said, “You can observe a lot just by watching.” Especially when that “watching” is done around the clock in a marriage.

"In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced." Robert Sexton

Our spouse becomes witness to our traits day-in and day-out. It’s almost as if we are on surveillance without ever intending it. The mere time that marriage consumes cannot help but to make us keen observers of each others’ traits as they become visible in our reactions, our expressions and our behaviors.

So what traits do you think are most consistently seen by your spouse in you?

Make a list of two personality traits, right now, that you think your spouse would note about you, and then test your accuracy by asking each other if you’re right.

This post was written by Drs Les & Leslie Parrott. For more information, go to their website: http://www.lesandleslie.com

Steps to prevent attraction to another woman

9/5/2014

1. Avoid being alone with her. Ensure that your spouse is with you whenever you must be with this person. If not, tell your spouse ahead of time and/or immediately afterward.

2. Stop fantasizing about being with her romantically and/or sexually.

3. Don't open Pandora's box by telling her that you are sexually attracted to her. It will only complicate matters more. She may turn around and accuse you of harassment.

4. Share your feelings of attraction with a close friend who can hold you accountable.

5. Take responsibility for all your actions. You are not to blame for your feelings but you are responsible for the actions that follow your feelings.

6. Try to look at the whole picture. A few moments of passion can lead to a lifetime of regret and hurt.

Taken from The Sexual Man: Masculinity without guilt

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

10 ways to reset your wife

8/26/2014

Fellas, if you only read one post of mine, make this be the one! I’m going to break it down for you real simple so pay attention. Some of these tips will require hard work and some will be second nature. The key is that you actually DO THEM. Some would argue that I’m turning in my “man card”, but I contend that this is the way to earn your man card. Let’s get to it.

Background
This post was inspired by my wife’s summer with the kids. Here are the stats: 5 kids, 3 months, moving to a new house, running 3 businesses – all while breastfeeding and caring for an 18 month old. Not to mention – me calling every afternoon asking “what’s for dinner?” Most women reading this are saying “Wow, I’m over it already.” My poor wife was like a dried up hibiscus in a forgotten corner of the yard. When it was time for school to start, I realized she needed to be nursed back to mental and emotional stability and I would have to be intentional about it. These tips explain how I did it:

1. Make a list of her favorite things Yes, I have a list of things my wife likes. I call this my “Rules of Engagement” list. When we started dating, the “schmoopy” meter was pegged to 11. We stayed up all night on the phone and brought Google’s servers down with chats the size of the Old Testament. We sent music videos to each other, funny blog posts, dream houses, lists of things we want to do, etc. It was AWESOME! We had so much in common and we couldn’t wait to see if “we” would work out. Being a list man, I created her profile in a Google doc with important details such as: shoe sizes, dress sizes, favorite flowers, favorite food, favorite restaurants, movies, and some things she doesn’t like.

2. Follow her on Pinterest Seriously, you need to create a Pinterest account. The misconception here is that Pinterest is for women, but if you believe that you are 100% wrong. Men have invaded the Pinterest world and have collaborated with women to build an idea superhighway that will point you where you need to go for gift ideas. My wife has what seems like thousands of Pinterest boards. Each one has a different theme. When you access the one called “Things I Like” or “Clothes Mamma Wants”, you have struck gold. All you have to do is create an account and follow her. So many times I’ve waited till the last minute to shop for her gifts and Pinterest helped make it easy for me to order something and have it delivered to our doorstep. The best part is this: if you have her shoe sizes in your list from tip #1, you can get her exactly what she wants. There is no mystery and you will be the man! Click here to create a Pinterest account. If you’re overwhelmed, you can go here to learn how to use it.

3. Sign up to receive Groupon emails If you’re planning to pour your efforts into your wife, you need to be conscious of how much money you are spending. This could get crazy expensive, but it doesn’t have to be. Groupon will send local restaurant deals to you via email. Most of the time they will be in the 40-50% off range. Download the app, purchase the deal, and voila – the voucher is on your phone. All you have to do is tell the waitress you have a voucher before she rings you up. This will help keep your costs down. One more thing, remember to tip on the amount you would have paid for, not what you are actually paying. Here is a link to Groupon.

4. “Ease her pain” Yeah, I took that from Field of Dreams, but it applies here. Ask yourself, “what specifically has been wearing my wife down?” For Karen, she was home all summer with the kids who were eating parts of our house and fighting with each other. I had to put my agenda aside and really focus on what was happening because she was losing her mind. I can’t really go into details of how you fix this because every woman is different. Just listening to what she says without offering solutions is probably the most effective way to accomplish this.

5. Thoughtful Gifts Slipping in a card is very easy to do. Just think of every time you’ve passed an aisle of gift cards when you’re in the grocery store or gas station. Next time, grab one of those puppies and do your best to write a short, heartfelt note to your wifey. For some women, this is more effective than cooking dinner for the family. It shows her that you were thinking about her while she was taking little Joe Joe to the ER for stitches on his ear. Or better yet, while she was cleaning baby turds out of the bathtub that she had just cleaned an hour before. This tip is one that I recommend you insert into your daily routine, not just to help reset your wife.

6. Attention with no intention Plain and simple, don’t do nice things for her with the expectation that she will have sex with you. She has to know that you are genuinely concerned about her in order for any of this to take root. Putting the moves on her after you fold the laundry undermines the whole operation. It would be like eating a steak before you cook it. You will pay later. HOWEVER, you should definitely be prepared for her to initiate the intimacy. In that case, get to work my man!

7. Don’t overwhelm her with all of it at once Keep this thing going for a little while. After all – she didn’t get systematically beat down in one day. This will take time and finesse. Extra attention to your wife shouldn’t be rushed, but rather like a football team with a good ground attack. Chew up some clock and keep the momentum. I will give an example: Tuesday, buy a card. Friday, bring home flowers. Saturday, let her go do her thing while you watch the kids. Monday, cook dinner. Thursday, write her a note. Saturday night, take her out on a date. That’s 2 weeks of dispersed doting that will begin to draw her away from the funk. (I’m giving you guys gems here. AMEN!)

8. Take a look at what you’re looking at. Take a look at your wife daily. Not just what you see, but what you hear her saying to you and to the things she is doing. There are things she deals with regularly that may not seem all that bad, but when she mentions it to you every day with increased angst, that’s a red flag. This tip is a lot like #5 and can help prevent a lot of issues from taking root. Don’t leave the door open for the enemy to steal the marriage God designed for you.

9. Keep updating your list. Keep your list going. You should know by now that what she liked a year ago may not be the same today. Invest time to make the list today and it will be easier to update as you go. You will only need to make minor changes or additions along the way.

10. Spiritual input. Karen and I are Christians and we believe in God’s design for marriage. This is how we set our relationship concretely before we got married, and this is how we will roll forever. There is nothing that can come close to infusing my wife with the word of God and worshipping together. This is where our strength comes from as individuals and as a married couple.

Your wife is a gift, and should be treated as such. Be vigilant in your pursuit of her and you can’t go wrong, fellas.

This post was written by Frank Lodato. For the original post, go to: http://eighthrising.com/2014/08/16/10-ways-to-reset-your-wife/

Marriage doesn't happen on your wedding day

8/15/2014

About a decade ago, my wife Stephanie and I were enjoying a rare night out together away from our then two young children. We were visiting a church and the service concluded with an opportunity to pair up with someone for prayer. In a casual moment of introduction, we announced to our prayer partner that we had been married for five years. Without a beat, the woman made a statement that has forever altered the way I view marriage. She stated, simply and boldly (with a southern drawl), “five years of marriage? It’s like y’all are in Kindergarten!”

Until that moment, I had never considered marriage—especially our marriage—through the lens of a development cycle. Instead, I had somehow assumed marriage was an event that happened on a specific date, in a specific year. As far as I was concerned, I was married…end of story. However, the thought of a five year old—a kindergartener—full of potential, full of questions, and pregnant with a developing future (not to mention all the tantrums, immaturity, and poor communication)— seemed to do a better job describing what my wife and I had been experiencing day-to-day.

Suddenly the first five years of our marriage—with the continual struggle to communicate with each other or make mutual decisions without one of us feeling violated—came into focus. No wonder we didn’t know exactly how to communicate with one another. No wonder we weren’t experts at conflict resolution or unity or mutual decision-making. We were only five-years old in our marriage (at the time). Would we expect a five-year-old child to be able to write a college essay? Of course not. A five-year- old can’t be expected to act or communicate like an adult. And yet it seems we make this mistake often when it comes to marriage. We expect ourselves—or other people—to be able to function likely fully grown adults in marriage, when the truth is we simply haven’t arrived at that stage of growth as a couple. The hope for the five-year-old is not to act like an adult, but to learn what it takes to become an adult—and to be given the tools to grow into a happy, productive, functioning adult. The goal is not to avoid childhood altogether, but to grow out of the childhood eventually—with all it’s vying for attention, temper tantrums, and selfishness and to grow into something more mature.

It occurred to me after this experience: what if we looked at our marriages this way?

How would it change the way they function?

This thought process has lead to the more foundational belief that marriage is an ongoing action discovered with my wife; a development cycle. Marriage isn’t something we accomplished the day we said “I Do”. That was only the beginning of an entirely new being; the “one new flesh” so often referenced during traditional marriage ceremonies was born that day and must continue growing.

The day of marriage is not the end of the story, but the beginning. It brings into creation a brand new infant couple, pledging to learn the art of marrying their individual lives into one combined, married, maturing life together.

In other words, as much as I am presently married to Stephanie, it is more accurate to say that each day we are actively marrying each other further—as we bring our individual thoughts, responses, fears, and strengths into this intimate bond together.

So how does that change how we act as a married couple?

Most importantly, Steph and I have discovered our primary goal isn’t “learning to be married” in a static sense so much as learning the art of marrying our own individual responses, desires, and efforts in any present moment.

Marriage is a moment-by-moment kind of thing. I know that can sound pretty vague, so here’s an example:

When we have a conflict, it is most often caused by one of a few things—a difference in the way we see a certain situation, unspoken expectations that aren’t met, or general frustration at the way the other person has handled something. As we approach the problem at hand, we each have different ways of dealing with it (dictated by our past experiences, our temperaments and personalities and also our fears and wounds). This can really easily lead to tension, as we we each seek to solve the conflict in our own individualistic way; through our own lenses, valuing our decision and actions as more “right” or more important than the decisions or actions of our spouse.

What we need in that moment isn’t a better marriage. What we need is to embrace the opportunity to marry in that moment.

In other words, what we need is to practice a method of resolving (read re-solve) the situation through communication. Since it is clear that I have solved the situation a certain way and she has solved it a different way—or that I have one opinion and she has another—then it becomes equally clear that on that particular issue, we now have an invitation to become married (again). This is nothing to freak out about, but something to verbally acknowledge so that the work of re-solving can produce the intimacy only the ongoing marrying of our two individual lives can bring.

The practice of re-solving marital issues revolves around learning to communicate well with your spouse.

This takes practice. Two individuals are almost always terrible at this at first (so if you have hard time communicating with your spouse, give yourself some grace). But most unresolved issues in marriage stem around each person’s inability to effectively hear what the other person is saying, and more importantly why they are saying it. Quality communication begins not by being a good talker, but by becoming a great listener. Most importantly, Steph and I have discovered our primary goal isn’t “learning to be married” in a static sense so much as learning the art of marrying our own individual responses, desires, and efforts in any present moment. Marriage is a moment-by-moment kind of thing. I know that can sound pretty vague, so here’s an example:

When we have a conflict, it is most often caused by one of a few things—a difference in the way we see a certain situation, unspoken expectations that aren’t met, or general frustration at the way the other person has handled something. As we approach the problem at hand, we each have different ways of dealing with it (dictated by our past experiences, our temperaments and personalities and also our fears and wounds). This can really easily lead to tension, as we we each seek to solve the conflict in our own individualistic way; through our own lenses, valuing our decision and actions as more “right” or more important than the decisions or actions of our spouse. What we need in that moment isn’t a better marriage. What we need is to embrace the opportunity to marry in that moment.

In other words, what we need is to practice a method of resolving (read re-solve) the situation through communication. Since it is clear that I have solved the situation a certain way and she has solved it a different way—or that I have one opinion and she has another—then it becomes equally clear that on that particular issue, we now have an invitation to become married (again). This is nothing to freak out about, but something to verbally acknowledge so that the work of re-solving can produce the intimacy only the ongoing marrying of our two individual lives can bring.

The practice of re-solving marital issues revolves around learning to communicate well with your spouse. This takes practice.

Two individuals are almost always terrible at this at first (so if you have hard time communicating with your spouse, give yourself some grace). But most unresolved issues in marriage stem around each person’s inability to effectively hear what the other person is saying, and more importantly why they are saying it. Quality communication begins not by being a good talker, but by becoming a great listener.

Steph and I now jokingly say that the first one of us to hear the other wins the argument.

Why?

Because is it only by focusing on what the other is saying, getting into their head, seeing the values that were driving their decisions and actions in the moment, can we finally get about the beauty of marrying our two individual worlds into a shared, exciting world of marriage.

This post was written by Jared Black. You can find it in the free e-book, 25 Marriage Hacks. For the free e-book, go to: http://books.noisetrade.com/tylerward/marriage-hacks