Over my 35+ years of professionally counseling men, masturbation is something they tell me that they do even though they are married. Here are some of the reasons voiced to me (not a comprehensive list): 1) I thought that I would stop masturbating once I got married (evidence suggests that initially masturbation does decrease upon marriage but returns to pre-marriage rates after a few years), 2) I have a stronger sexual appetite than my wife, 3) I need to masturbate to help me sleep or handle stress, 4) I can't break my porn addiction, 5) My wife has cut me off, we don't have sex very often any more, and/or 6) I'm away on a business trip and I want to lessen temptations and loneliness.
So, these reasons certainly make sense (except #4). This post will not address all 6 of these reasons (and others) but will just focus on a few.
I have had men tell me that their pastor and other counselors tell them that it is ok to masturbate after you are married as long as you masturbate to your wife and you don't use porn. On one hand (pardon the pun) I do agree with that. The intent of that advice is helpful but it may not get at the reason why the man is masturbating.
In some instances, it would be a mistake to masturbate while married, even to images or imaginations of one's spouse. Of course this post isn't exhaustive and is speaking generally, but there are some trends that I have observed over the years in counseling men that can be destructive to a marriage and to a man and in many cases to a spouse.
One example I have seen is when the couple has trouble initiating sex. So, the husband, rather than be rejected will masturbate than approach the subject with his wife. They have have developed a pattern of approach and rejection, then anger and pouting and finally, the wife gives in or continues to say no (for various reasons). So, some men, especially those who have trouble communicating, would rather circumvent the process by masturbating. This ends up being masturbation out of anger, building a wall between the couple and resulting in neglect to the marriage.
Another example is when the husband wants sex more often than the wife. This seems to occur especially after the birth of a child. The wife sees her body differently and often has a difficult time seeing herself as a sexual person, a lover, and sees herself as more of a mother.
I've also seen disparity of sexual appetite occur when there is a temporary physical or emotional disability in the wife (permanent disability is another subject all together). A temporary physical disability is easier for a couple to understand and usually the husband can be patient while his wife heals.
The emotional disability is the one that concerns me most. Now, I'm not talking about mental illness, I'm talking about a wife who has endured judgement & selfishness in the marriage over the years and her heart has gradually closed to her husband. Typically, the wife has to do something drastic to get the husband to wake up about his behavior. One way to do so is to slow down, or stop, sexual activity. This may lead to all kinds of behavior by the husband, sometimes he has a godly response and changes, other times he continues his manipulation and the situation gets worse.
So, when the husband tells me that he is masturbating due to his wife cutting him off, then a thorough investigation needs to occur about how he has treated her over the years. Getting him to understand that his wife possibly has "emotional quadriplegia" for which he is responsible seems to help. "If she got injured in a car crash and now was totally dependent upon you, couldn't even speak to you, would you be treating her like this? If she had actual physical quadriplegia what would be your attitude, knowing that you got married for better or for worse? So, it's gonna take time for her to heal. Just like after a horrific car wreck you wouldn't expect her to be back to her former self after a week, she's not gonna all of a sudden want to have sex with you just because you have been a good boy for a month."
I've seen men in this last situation tell me, "I'll then masturbate to a mental image of my wife according to how I want her to be (or how she used to be)." You see, in that instance, he is still missing the point...he is placing judgment upon her expecting that she must be a certain way for him to be sexually satisfied.
So, if you have been following Ironstrikes this week, you can see that masturbation is a complex issue. It can involve supernatural activity, it can cause a man to condition his sexual response, it can cause a husband to be judgmental towards his wife.
There is much more that can be said about masturbation but this is just a blog. As time goes by, I may tackle other aspects of masturbation. I'm more than glad to answer questions and use them in blog posts here at Ironstrikes.
So, these reasons certainly make sense (except #4). This post will not address all 6 of these reasons (and others) but will just focus on a few.
I have had men tell me that their pastor and other counselors tell them that it is ok to masturbate after you are married as long as you masturbate to your wife and you don't use porn. On one hand (pardon the pun) I do agree with that. The intent of that advice is helpful but it may not get at the reason why the man is masturbating.
In some instances, it would be a mistake to masturbate while married, even to images or imaginations of one's spouse. Of course this post isn't exhaustive and is speaking generally, but there are some trends that I have observed over the years in counseling men that can be destructive to a marriage and to a man and in many cases to a spouse.
One example I have seen is when the couple has trouble initiating sex. So, the husband, rather than be rejected will masturbate than approach the subject with his wife. They have have developed a pattern of approach and rejection, then anger and pouting and finally, the wife gives in or continues to say no (for various reasons). So, some men, especially those who have trouble communicating, would rather circumvent the process by masturbating. This ends up being masturbation out of anger, building a wall between the couple and resulting in neglect to the marriage.
Another example is when the husband wants sex more often than the wife. This seems to occur especially after the birth of a child. The wife sees her body differently and often has a difficult time seeing herself as a sexual person, a lover, and sees herself as more of a mother.
I've also seen disparity of sexual appetite occur when there is a temporary physical or emotional disability in the wife (permanent disability is another subject all together). A temporary physical disability is easier for a couple to understand and usually the husband can be patient while his wife heals.
The emotional disability is the one that concerns me most. Now, I'm not talking about mental illness, I'm talking about a wife who has endured judgement & selfishness in the marriage over the years and her heart has gradually closed to her husband. Typically, the wife has to do something drastic to get the husband to wake up about his behavior. One way to do so is to slow down, or stop, sexual activity. This may lead to all kinds of behavior by the husband, sometimes he has a godly response and changes, other times he continues his manipulation and the situation gets worse.
So, when the husband tells me that he is masturbating due to his wife cutting him off, then a thorough investigation needs to occur about how he has treated her over the years. Getting him to understand that his wife possibly has "emotional quadriplegia" for which he is responsible seems to help. "If she got injured in a car crash and now was totally dependent upon you, couldn't even speak to you, would you be treating her like this? If she had actual physical quadriplegia what would be your attitude, knowing that you got married for better or for worse? So, it's gonna take time for her to heal. Just like after a horrific car wreck you wouldn't expect her to be back to her former self after a week, she's not gonna all of a sudden want to have sex with you just because you have been a good boy for a month."
I've seen men in this last situation tell me, "I'll then masturbate to a mental image of my wife according to how I want her to be (or how she used to be)." You see, in that instance, he is still missing the point...he is placing judgment upon her expecting that she must be a certain way for him to be sexually satisfied.
So, if you have been following Ironstrikes this week, you can see that masturbation is a complex issue. It can involve supernatural activity, it can cause a man to condition his sexual response, it can cause a husband to be judgmental towards his wife.
There is much more that can be said about masturbation but this is just a blog. As time goes by, I may tackle other aspects of masturbation. I'm more than glad to answer questions and use them in blog posts here at Ironstrikes.
