My therapist told me that shame -- while a proper emotion when I've committed a shameful act -- carries the potential to confuse me into thinking that there is something wrong with me as a human being. For many people, guilt means "I've done something wrong." But shame means "I am something wrong." If shame is not properly assessed, it can potentially hold me captive, and hinder my progress both spiritually and socially.

In a different therapy session I learned about cognitive distortions. Alcoholics Anonymous grants the same concept a different name: stinkin' thinkin'. Cognitive distortions are thoughts that have been corrupted, distorted, or skewed in such a way as to produce error of reality.

An example of a cognitive distortion would be thinking that someone did not like me because when the person saw me in a public context he or she did not interact with me. The reality of the situation, however, could have had various potentials, none of which had anything to do with how the person feltabout me as a human being.

The danger with cognitive distortions is that they can manifest in a manner in which affects my feelings or emotions. In the above situation, I may have felt rejected because the person did not acknowledge me. This, in turn, could have led me to a desperate need for affection, whereby I looked for intimate and immediate gratification, either sexual or non-sexual, whether with another person or even through pornography. If acted upon, shame is but one result.

Such could have been avoided, though, by considering other options as to why the individual did not acknowledge me. For example, perhaps the person did not see me. Perhaps the person did not recognize me from a distance. Perhaps the person was distracted, being in a hurry, or preoccupied with thoughts of his or her own. But by allowing distorted, presumptuous thoughts to consume my mind, I allowed them to affect my emotions, which then led to wrong behavior, producing feelings of shame.  

Shame can act as a cognitive distortion when it is perceived as though something is wrong with me as a human being. Even in my context, when I sinned against my roommate last year, there was nothing wrong me as a human being. What was wrong within me were cognitive distortions. My corrupt thoughts regarding my roommate affected my feelings toward him, which, in turn, led me to behave in such a way that was sinful and disrespectful of him as both a human being and as a brother in Christ.

The public humiliation of my exposed sin only compounded my shame. I remember, however, a Southern Baptist pastor coming to me in private and encouraging me to find a way past the shame. He shared with me a time in his own life when he had to force himself to move past his own shame for a sin he had committed. He told me that I would be no use for the kingdom until I found a way past the shame.

From therapy I learned that the shame I felt was due to genuine contrition and repentance. I was able, upon months of reflection, to honestly and objectively view my actions as shameful without thinking of myself -- my very existence -- as shameful. I realized that my actions were triggered by my feelings, which were triggered by my cognitive distortions. Had I been thinking properly, or not entertaining distorted thoughts, I, and so many others, could avoided that nightmare I created.

From Scripture I learned that Jesus took the shameful behavior I committed against my roommate upon Himself, though He despised and scorned that shame, and then sat down next to His Father in glory (Heb. 12:2). My sinful, shameful behavior has been cleansed by the blood of Jesus, and I will never be held accountable for it by God. He accounts me as righteous (Rom. 3:21, 22), justified (Rom. 5:1), sanctified (Acts 26:18), and glorified (Rom. 8:30) in Christ, though I have sinned.  

By God's grace and mercy to me in Christ, I am forbidden to accept shame as my identity. I am allowed to feel ashamed of my sinful behavior; but in Christ, having received His forgiveness, I am not permitted to view my existence as one of utter, hopeless shame. Only the gospel of grace grants such overwhelming accomplishment over failure, grief, and shame. I hope that you, in and through union with Christ by the grace of God, will internalize these truths for yourself.   

This honest post was written by William W Birch.  For the original post with comments, go to:  http://www.classicalarminian.com/2013/02/saturday-devotion-shame-and-identity.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The weight, thrust and speed of a plane at a specific moment during take off necessitates a point of no return, no time to pull up or abort the take off, it must continue regardless of what is in front of them.  Ever had that feeling as you sit in front of the computer screen?

I think we all recognise the process of taking off into the soul destroying world of pornography, the taxi onto the run way, the slow process of picking up speed and that moment of no return.  I have found that I am not strong enough to abort the take off once I am on the runway, the key is to discover the triggers that propel me to even get into the plane.  Having mechanisms such as the great software at xxxchurch helps to abort the take off but doesn't stop the triggers from instigating my hearts journey into pornography.

Sometimes these triggers are easier to spot than others, having a really crap day, everybody has unloaded and dumped their waste on me or just times of undue stress will get me looking for a quick release, I now recognise this and am able to instigate a pre determined process of accountability and strategies of distance from computers etc.

The problem really comes to the fore when multiple triggers happen all at once with my largest trigger being 'aloneness' coupled with stress, depression or even euphoria over a successful 'event'.  As I write this my wife is on a plane to the other end of the country for five days during which, I have the four kids (3yrs to 11yrs), childcare, school, work, an end off year bible college assignment due, a blog to write, my two monthly tax to complete a men's event and just to top it off my wife and I have not had sex for at least a week (just keepin it real).  I tell you the odds are stacked, my boarding pass to late night destruction is all but purchased, am I worried? Yep!  So I have instigated some rules, I have recognised triggers, I am planned but all it takes is for one more thing, that left field attack and all laid plans could be out the window.

So what do I do, I have safety nets, I recognise triggers but its still going to be a tough week and i am going to need something extra.  I cannot stress enough the love and power available in Christ.  I have done all I can, in my own strength, so to not get to the point of no return but my heart is cunning, deceptive and somewhat selfish on its own and a continual leaning into Jesus, the lover of my soul, will be required.  What does that mean?  It means that I am more like the tax collectors, Gentiles, non believers that Jesus came to be a great physician to and He enjoys being invited into my home and on top of the accountability team, the software, the rules around computer use I also have the God of the universe in my corner, cheering for me, providing the vision of wholeness, and giving strength when mine runs out.  I just need to lean into Him when all the guns are pointing in my direction with triggers just waiting to go off.  It is a partnership that I am reliant on, a partnership that requires me to do my part but also one that requires me to lean into Him.

Do not leave out the greatest power, strength and love that can be offered, Jesus desires for you and me to be whole and as we spend time in His word, in prayer, and just sitting in His presence we have something completely 'other' that we can call upon when the triggers to destruction start taking over.

This post was written by Jason Baird of XXX Church.  You can find the original post with comments here:  http://www.xxxchurch.com/men/what-do-i-do-when-temptation-is-getting-hard-to-resist.html


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Despite recent strides in "sex addiction" research, the condition does not make the cut as an official psychiatric disorder, according to the American Psychiatric Association.

On Dec. 1, 2012 the APA approved the latest version of its mental health handbook known as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). The manual includes several new disorders such as hoarding and binge eating.

But guidance for diagnosing and treating sex addiction, formally known as hypersexual disorder, won't be included.

Although the manual has an appendix that includes "provisional" conditions requiring further research, hypersexual disorder will not appear in this section either.

The decision comes after a study published in October in which researchers tested the proposed criteria for hypersexual disorder, and found that physicians generally disagreed on who should be diagnosed with it — a demonstration of the criteria's reliability and validity.

Rory Reid, a research psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, who lead that study, said he was not surprised the APA did not approve hypersexual disorder for the DSM-5, because sexual disorders are generally controversial.

There are also still questions the APA may want addressed. Studies of the criteria included only people who were already seeking help for a mental condition, or were referred to a mental health clinic, Reid said. So it's not clear whether the criteria would apply in diagnosing people in the general population, he said.

In Reid's study, hypersexual disorder was defined as "recurrent and intense sexual fantasies, sexual urges, and sexual behavior," that lasted at least six months.

Diagnosis requires that these urges cause the patient distress, and aren't brought on by drugs or another mental disorder. The behavior must also interfere with their life, for instance, some patients in the study lost jobs because they could not refrain from watching pornography and masturbating at work. Developing the criteria was a significant step in the field because it will allow researchers to study the disorder in a uniform way, Reid said.

And although hypersexual disorder is not officially acknowledged in the APA's new manual, Reid said he would see little change in his day to day work.

"People are still coming into the therapist office and saying this is a problem. As a psychologist...I'm going to try to understand what's going on, I'm going to try to help them," Reid said. "That’s true whether it's in the DSM or not."

The original post for this blog can be found at:  http://news.yahoo.com/sex-addiction-still-not-official-disorder-192645302.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

I love movies.  I love getting the scoop on upcoming movies.  That has led to reading entertainment and movie magazines and adding movie blogs to my blog reader.

I have found movie trailers and even reading information about upcoming movies to can be a trigger.  Movie companies push the buttons we like.  For the teen and young adults it’s the action scenes, fast clips, and amazing CGI monsters.  For women it’s the romantic story, the hunky guy, and the story of love lost and love found again.  For college-aged kids they show parties out of control, sexual adventures, or the forever popular “guy or gal who has to lose their virginity before leaving high school.”

For those of us with a sexual appetite, trailers always seem to have the hot girl or guy and the glimpse of a sex scene.  My buttons are the sexy clips and the teasing of a sexual or romantic story.

RED-BAND TRAILERS
Have you heard of these yet?  Redband trailers are “R-rated” trailers that could include heavy language, violence, gore, or sexier scenes.  Redbands are popular and accessible.  It’s another marketing technique that plays on our desire to explore the “forbidden”.  The trailers themselves can be trigger, but the idea of watching a video that’s too rough for the TV or movie theater is also triggery.

SOME SIMPLE STRATEGIES

If trailers are triggery for you too, let’s strengthen our purity strategy around them.  Here are some tips:

1. Don’t watch movie trailers or sneak peek scenes online.
2. Stay away from redband trailers.
3. Talk about this trigger to your accountability partner or spouse.
4. Stick with safer movie sites like PluggedIn.com and CommonSenseMedia.org to research movies.

For the movie theater

1. Come 10 minutes late to the movie or get your seats and step out for the trailers.
2. Focus on the seat in front of your or the corner of the screen if a trigger scene comes on.
3. Stop going to R-rated movies, which have the strongest trailers.

Struggles with movie trailers may not the same as porn and masturbation struggles, but they are all part of our purity strategy.  We are working toward “no hint of sexual immorality” and to develop pure minds.

This post was written by Jeff Fisher.  You can view the original post here:  http://porntopurity.com/blog/2012/09/04/tough-trigger-movie-trailers/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Dreams are odd.  In dreams we can fly, shape shift, transmogrify, meet people that we admire and also be turned on sexually.   There is also a psychological technique called "lucid dreaming" where one learns the techniques to manipulate dreams.

Men, when they are teens, experience "wet dreams" that are usually intensely sexual.  So, men have a history from early in their lives of connecting dreams to sexual arousal.  Many of the men that I counsel tell me that their dreams often trigger their sexual acting out.  

How does one handle sexual dreams?  Often they are not under our conscious control.  So, are we responsible for our dreams?  Are we responsible for our acting out sexually when aroused by a dream?  How does one stay pure, even while sleeping?

You are VERY responsible if you practice lucid dreaming.  If you purposely manipulate your dreams, then you will be accountable for such.  

However, there are things that one can do to try and keep one's dreams from turning too sexual:

1.  Pay attention to what you think about while you are falling asleep.  
2.  Memorize scripture that you can repeat in your mind while falling asleep.  Philippians 4:8 is a scripture that is made for just such an occasion.  Proverbs 4:23 and Malachi 2:15  are excellent as well.
3.  Pray while you are falling asleep.  This is a great time to talk to God.
4.  In your prayer, ask God to protect your mind while you sleep.  God can do that, if you learn to count on His faithfulness.
5.  Pay attention to what you watch on TV, in the theatre and on the internet, especially right before you go to sleep.  You may have to take the TV out of your bedroom.  Dreams often are an amalgamation of our daily experiences. 
6.  If you work with a professional counselor, you can dissect your dreams to help understand them a little bit.  Even though a dream may be sexual, the core of the dream may also be something that y0u need to confront in yourself.

If you wake up sexually aroused from a dream, what can you do to prevent acting out?

1.  Urinate.  Many times an erection is simply the result of a full bladder.
2.  Read something non-sexual.  Opening God's Word and talking to God about what you are physically feeling is way of strengthening your relationship with HIm and beating temptation.
3.  Call a member of your accountability group.
4.  Take a cold shower.
5.  Stay away from TV and the Internet while you are aroused.
6.  Do not recreate the dream in your mind.  Distract yourself by thinking in a pure manner.

So, even though your dreams are often not under your conscious control, you can control what you watch and think throughout the day.  God is faithful.  If you ask Him for His assistance in this area, He will help.  Also, arousal does not mean that you have to do something sexual.  You can choose to act out or you can choose not to act out.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.