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"Picking" the right friends

5/27/2014

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 . . . if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself—Galatians 6:3

 When we men relent and finally accept that we’re designed for community with other men, we nearly always start with the wrong criteria for choosing which men. We often plot and single out guys that are cool or rich or connected or well-educated or who’d be good to know from a work perspective. 



And, if we don’t fall into those traps, we choose guys that are just a lot like us. We each think, subconsciously almost, “If I’ve got to devote myself to a handful of other men, I’m going to make sure they have some strategic value to me—worldly value, to my career or to my social standing—or, at the very least, they’re men who won’t challenge me or make me uncomfortable.”

Such plotting is a mistake. It’s driven by pride—that we somehow know better than God how these communities should come together. We must instead follow the blueprint given us by our King, Jesus Christ. He never once used this “strategic value” analysis. Throughout the Gospel, he spent time with people whom God the Father wanted him to—people with whom it made no sense to spend time, from a worldly perspective. 



Adopting this blueprint, the Apostle Paul wrote: “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight” (Romans 12:16).

Okay, so what do we do?

Pray that God brings the right men. Allow him to connect you to men who are willing to commit and surrender, willing to be transparent, are desperate for Him. Be forewarned, though, the group that comes together will probably look nothing like what you expect . . . and that’s good. Groups we create ourselves, based on worldly criteria, aren’t worth our time. Groups that God creates for us are worth everything.

Copyright © 2013 Gather Ministries, All rights reserved

http://www.gatherministries.com/wire/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Accountability God's Way

4/19/2013

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Men have needed other men for centuries. Whether in the trenches or on the field, being part of a band of brothers is a sacred thing. Proverbs shows us that it is critical to have a brother to stand with us through adversity. To overcome pornography, we will need such a man.

Let the Proverbs guide you:

1.  “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” - Proverbs 17:17 The proverbs extol the value a faithful friend who has your back through thick and thin. They love at all times not just when you are doing well. When the stresses are running high because you blew it again, or when the time of adversity is imminent because your wife is done and ready to leave you, this brother calls you to greatness. They never give up on you or on your sincere desire to honor God with purity and integrity. Find a man like this.

2. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” - Proverbs 27:17 Your accountability partner needs to have “teeth.” You don’t need some pathetic wussy who tolerates your excuses and simply gives you a pat on the back saying, “better luck next time.” You want a man who creates sparks when he clashes with you like steel on steel. He cares deeply enough to confront and sharpen you by clear, direct advice and by telling you like it is. His perseverance is designed to bring the best out of you—God’s design for you. Find a man like this.

3. “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” - Proverbs 18:24  Remember: you are the average of the five closest friends you hang around with. Who are the quality God-fearing men in your world? Who can you count on? Those that are all talk with no follow through are the undependable type that won’t be what you need. Look for men of character—like a brother—who sticks close and isn’t a “no show.” Avoid ruin by getting connected to one who is trustworthy and consistent. Find a man like this.

4. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” 
- Proverbs 27:6  Sure, it might sting for a while, but don’t doubt this guy. Listen to what he says even when it hurts you. Know he has no other motive for speaking straight to you but that he signed on to walk with you in overcoming your impurity issue. Though it is about trusting in the Lord to overcome the porn, be sure to thank Him for a man who will speak the truth to you. Have confidence in his perspective. Find a man like this.

5. “The pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.” – Proverbs 27:10  Look for a sincere man who takes seriously the role he will play in your life. His heartfelt approach with both his convincing and convicting manner screams that he loves you. His counsel is wise and good. Out of his compassion for you, he urges and compels you to do what is right. That is a good friend. You’ll look forward to seeing this guy because he always brings hope and leaves you feeling encouraged. Find a man like this.

6. “Instruct a wise man; he will be wiser still. Teach a righteous man; he will add to his learning.” - Proverbs 9:9  Face it. What you have been doing hasn’t given you freedom from your addiction. You will need wise and righteous input to overcome the hold porn has on you. You’ll need to learn new ways of doing things. Your way isn’t working. Righteous influence is the best. God’s way works. Be wise enough to receive instruction—to add to your learning. Be a man like this.

7. “A rebuke impresses a man of discernment more than one hundred lashes a fool.” – Proverbs 17:10  You like being confronted? Yeah, right. Nobody does. The more aware you are of this battle, the more you know you need outside input to win this war. Ask God for an attitude of humility. It’s not simply a matter of discipline or the lashes might work. It’s surrender to God and the help of others. You need to listen and accept. Rebukes need to impress you. Why? Because you can see the bigger picture of the transformation needed. Be a man like this.

8. “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” - Proverbs 28:13  Break the silence. Quit playing your little secret game as if nobody knows and it’s not affecting you or your marriage. Hiding your problem won’t bring you freedom. Things will turn around to the level you get honest with yourself, God, and others. With the confession and repentance comes the victory. You’ll receive mercy from God, and over time, grace from your wife. Be honest. Come clean. Be a man like this.

9. “Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright of heart.” - Proverbs 14:9  Take responsibility for your problem. Don’t blame others. Deal with the guilt God gives you for your bad choices. Never say, “it’s no big deal” when God says that it is. Push for an integrity that will first honor the Lord and then will win your wife’s trust back over time. The Godly man is one who acknowledges his sin, makes the changes and then seeks reconciliation. Be a man like this.

10. “Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death.” - Proverbs 7:24-27  Don’t kid yourself. Pay great attention, men! Your porn problem has got to end. It will destroy all that is dear to you. Make the choice to seek help until you find help. Don’t be a victim regardless of what you have been through. Choose to get off the highway to hell. Be a man like this.

This blog post was written by Dr Dave Currie.  The original post can be found at:  http://www.covenanteyes.com/2013/01/03/proverbs-about-accountability/



BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Temptation at Victoria's Secret

3/4/2013

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Early in our marriage, we would receive Victoria's Secret catalogs in the mail.  Even back then, these catalogs were pornography.  They've only gotten worse.  

Nevertheless, I told Karyn about the draw those catalogs had for me and I asked her to not have those in the house, especially since we were raising boys.

By starving my eyes from those catalogs, they came to the point of having less attraction for me.  Over time, by telling Karyn about the things that turned me on, she was able to help me.  We would talk about those things that were tempting.  It was liberating to tell her and she would continue to love me and shield me from those things that held my attraction.  

After the boys were raised, I accompanied her to a Victoria's Secret store where she was trying on some clothes.  Being the dutiful husband, I went with her.  I thought, "I've gotten past that Victoria's Secret temptation.  I can handle this now."  

While I was sitting there, minding my own business and trying not to look at the images of scantily clad women on the walls, a very attractive young lady walked up to me and started talking to me.  I was polite and talked with her.  Then another attractive young lady and then another.  Before I knew it, I was surrounded by three very attractive young ladies.


Well, my ego got the best of me.  I started thinking, "these girls think I'm hot.  They're talking to me because they really like me."  I found myself paying more attention to them while they were flirting with me (or I thought they were flirting with me).  Then it hit me.  "What in the world am I doing?  I'm almost old enough to be these young ladies' father!"  Then Karyn came out of the dressing room and paid for some clothes she was buying.  

When we got outside, I confessed to Karyn what had happened.  She simply said, "of course those sales clerks were talking to you, you're safe.  You're much older than them.  The longer you stay in the store, the more likely I will buy something."  Well, I'll tell you, my ego was instantly deflated.  We continued our conversation and Karyn said that the clerks were occupying me so that she would spend more time shopping.  

Why do I share this story with you?  

Well I learned a few things about temptation:

- I said to myself before going into the store, "I can handle this."  God says, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall."  Knowing this was a past temptation, it would have been wise to ask God for strength before entering.  It might have been better to just not go into that store.

- I have a big ego and I need to keep it in check.  "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."   If I stay humble, God will give me more grace.

- Temptation changes.  I thought that I had the sin of lust conquered.  However, this temptation played into something different.  I was on my guard for lust but not on guard for my ego.  

- My ego got in the way of my ability to think clearly.  These young ladies were just doing what they had been taught.  "Keep the hubby happy and his wife will buy more stuff."  I was being played and never realized it.

So, my conclusion, my goal of this post is this:

Do you let your ego go unchecked? 
 
Do you humble yourself so that God can give you more grace?

If you think that you have temptation conquered, get ready.  You will find yourself tempted in ways that you haven't been considering.


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Now for something beautiful...

3/1/2013

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Monday, I posted about how a young man used the retelling of the crucifixion of Jesus so that he could sin and take others with him in his sin.

Today, I want to share something beautiful from my experiences with the Easter Musical.  In this church that annually would share the Easter story with its community, there was always a special private showing of the final dress rehearsal.  

The final dress rehearsal was an invitation to individuals who were physically as well as mentally challenged.   The church would clear out much of the seating so that people using wheelchairs, walkers, crutches and canes could easily navigate into the auditorium.  This was a fun tradition in this community because these individuals got to see the musical before anybody else.  

In this final dress rehearsal that I am remembering, Jesus was being taken down from the cross. This is a very solemn and quiet scene, taking a good ten minutes or so.  Jesus is carefully removed from the cross, given to Mary, Joseph of Arimathea, John and Nicodemus.  They lovingly prepare Jesus' body for burial, wrapping him in cloths.  

Well, during this scene, one man in the audience who couldn't speak or walk due to his challenges, started weeping uncontrollably.   It was quite a poignant scene that was enhanced by this man's sensitivity.   I firmly believe that this man was so touched by this reenactment that he said "yes" to God's invitation to accept Jesus as his Savior.  Needless to say, this man's behavior affected many others not only in the congregation but many of the actors and orchestra members as well.  In my own heart, I felt a revival of my own commitment to serving Jesus.  I'm sure that many had a similar experience.  An unspoken revival of sorts happened right there because of this man's sensitivity to Jesus' gift of salvation.

I want to tell you that the man that was weeping was so much more of a man than many men I have ever met.  Especially, more so than that young man from Monday who wanted to have sexual conquests to prove his manhood.  That weeping man allowed God to transform him.  Outside he was still the same but I believe that man left the church a new creation.

You may be wondering how the above picture of the mountain climber on the summit fits into this story.  Well, I'm thinking that when this guy gets to heaven, he's gonna want to do the things he always wanted to do but couldn't because he was  in an earthly body that didn't work as he wanted.  I'm gonna find him and we're gonna do some mountain climbing.  When we get to the summit, I'm gonna ask him, "remember when you were at that private showing of the Easter Musical?  I want to know what you were thinking."  I anticipate he will share with me his love for God and how the Holy Spirit worked in his life that night.

Together we will agree with the Roman Centurion, "Surely, this man was the Son of God!"  and we will spend a couple hundred years on that summit praising our Savior and recalling all the wonderful things that God did.  

Do you want to experience something beautiful?  

You can right now as you ask Jesus to lead your life, turn from your sinfulness and allow God to transform you. 

We want you to join us on that summit in eternity.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.


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Forty reasons to avoid porn

8/24/2012

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Over my 24 years of pastoral ministry, I’ve had the occasion to work with multiplied hundreds of men who struggle on a regular basis with the snare of pornography.

I often say that the hardest thing about the Christian life is that it is so daily.   I have learned that the  hardest thing about the battle with lust and pornography is that it is so hourly.  

Yet,  the battle can be won – one life, one day. one hour, one decision and one thought at a time.

Titus 2:11-12 challenges us to recognize that that grace of God instructs us to “deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age.”  One of the ways we experience this grace is by recognizing the positive power of pure choices.  

In my book, Think Before You Look – Avoiding the Consequences of Secret Temptation I present forty chapters, each presenting positive reasons to avoid the snare of pornography.  Here they are in summary as a positive dose of pure prevention.

1.
 I fully enjoy the pleasure of my love relationship with Christ.

2. I fulfill my true identity as a child of God.

3. I experience God's provision of empowering grace.

4. I enjoy my freedom in Christ to its fullest.

5. I avoid a life-pattern of deception.

6. I cultivate a soft and sensitive conscience.

7. I turn away from the solicitation of harlots in my heart.

8. I refuse the temptation of idolatry.

9. I prove to be a faithful steward of my money.

10. I prove to be a faithful steward of my time.

11. I abstain from any promotion and support of the pornography industry.

12. I preserve God’s gift of loving sexual expression for its intended purpose.

13. I protect the purity and power of my God-given imagination.

14. I develop disciplined character.

15. I guard the integrity of my Christian testimony.

16. I promote health and harmony in the body of Christ.

17. I cultivate a stronger resistance to future interpersonal sexual sin.

18. I nurture the proper biblical view of the sanctity of womanhood.

19. I relate to women as equals and persons of ultimate worth.

20. I learn to live in reality rather than fantasy.

21. I steer clear of unnecessary personal guilt and shame.

22. I cultivate a lifestyle of contentment and satisfaction.

23. I experience the blessing of living as a servant

24. I learn the relational skills of authentic intimacy.

25. I avoid future mental, emotional and spiritual scars on my life.

26. I experience the joy of the Christian life.

27. I lay up eternal rewards.

28. I learn to deal with the causes of my problems rather than treating symptoms.

29. I prevent potential temptations for others in my sphere of influence.

30. I honor the trust and prayer support of those who have invested in my spiritual life.


If I am married: 


31. I avoid adultery in my heart.

32. I encourage my wife's trust.

33. I honor my vow of marital purity and faithfulness.

34. I keep my marriage union pure from fantasies of other women.

35. I communicate acceptance and honor toward my wife.

36. I avoid the pathway that could easily result in infidelity.


If I have children:


37. I minimize the risk of my children being exposed to pornography.

38. I model strong and genuine moral values for my children.

39. I avoid embarrassing and embittering my children.

40. I encourage all of the above positive qualities in their lives.


This post is written by Daniel Henderson.  The original post can be found here: http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-how-to/150646-40-positive-reasons-to-avoid-porn.html/

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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On being macho

6/13/2012

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There is a difference between being masculine and being macho.  Masculinity is our healthy expression of the uniqueness of being created a man in God's design.  The behaviors of a macho man are instead unhealthy expression of the stereotypes of masculinity lived out in their most extreme forms.  The macho man perverts true masculinity.  He pretends to be strong by acting aggressively and creating about himself an image of power, both of which mask the deeper reality of the insecurity within.  The truly masculine man knows who he is in God and enjoys a healthy integration of this emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual nature. This wholeness comes from knowing and responding to the truth that he is fully loved and accepted in Christ.  The masculine man in Christ is truly set free to become all that he is meant to be.

The macho man lives out an image of manhood that emphasizes only one small part of what it means to be male.  He pretends that it is possible to live life with a constant erection.  But, our physical genital reality reminds us that we are only sometimes hard.  Most of the time, we are are soft.  The majority of our lives is lived out as penis, not erected phallus, and this is normal and proper for men.  Think of what it would be like in actuality if we had to live the whole of our lives with an erection.  This is a grotesque image.  Yet it is the kind of masculine image many macho men attempt to convey thru their personalities as they relate to those around them.

It is far healthier and more productive to recognize and celebrate the broader dimensions of our masculinity modeled for us most completely by the man Jesus, our loving LORD.   As He demonstrated, a man's strength is not rooted in violent aggression or in an obsession with worldly power, but in the Godlike power of sacrificial love.

A man is not weak, but strong, when he wisely chooses to live the predominant portion of this life with his sword in his sheath.  This is not a man feminized.  This is a masculine man who has given up the false god of proud machismo and has delivered his complex and diverse masculine personality into the hands of God to be shaped by the demands of love.

This post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Christian Manhood (part one)

6/11/2012

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What are the common behaviors of a man who claims Christ as his savior?  What does the power of God's Word do to a man?  What does a man look like who has been transformed by God's Holy Spirit?

1. The Christian man is free to be a servant-leader.  He no longer depends upon his own strength, but on the guidance, wisdom and strength of the Lord.  His identity is not dependent on successful achievement, so he is set free to fail without being devastated by failure.  This freedom to fail gives the Christian man courage and faith to step out and take  measured risks in the Lord's work.  He includes others in the decision-making process because he is no longer afraid to admit that he needs the help of others and of God in order to have success.  He can affirm and build up those with whom he works because he feels affirmed and accepted in love by God in Christ.

2.  The Christian man is free to be lighthearted.  He no longer has to take himself so seriously.  God is his refuge.  He is set free from having to protect himself, to fear and shield himself from others.  He is secure in himself and his faith.  He will not list out his accomplishments like a peacock strutting around, fanning his tail.  His personality will take on a peaceful playfulness that will draw others to him.  He can laugh at himself.  He has no need to put others down.  

3.  The Christian man is free to interact with others.  He is relational.  He is a thoughtful boss and a congenial host.  He is free to share himself openly. He will talk with his wife.  He will talk with his children.  He will not talk at them but will talk with them, listening to those he loves.  He will not have to have all the right answers.  He will enjoy entering into the deeper-meaning dimensions of the lives of those around him.  He is no longer interested in telling others how important he is.  He is now more interested in hearing about their joys, their needs, their hopes, their dreams.  

4.  The Christian man is able to be open with others about his needs and to ask for help.  He knows that it is his willingness to open his life to others that creates possibilities for himself and others to grow, receive healing and move on toward maturity in Christ.  The man will give and receive friendship.

(continued tomorrow)

The information from this post is taken from Temptations Men Face.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Men need men

6/7/2012

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Men need to be accepted by men.  A woman's acceptance is wonderful and fulfilling.  However, if a man does not have the acceptance of other men, he does not feel like a real man.  

This is the very reason why accountability groups can be so vital.  The true intimacy of friendship and acceptance actually heals the wounds so that the false intimacy of porn is no longer needed as a pain-killing medication.  The true intimacy of friendship takes the place of mind-numbing substances like alcohol and drugs.  The true intimacy of friendship pushes you to know God better.

Men know men.  Puffing your chest out and beating it to draw attention to how tough you are or how "manly" you are doesn't set well with men.  Men are not impressed with self-love.  Men are impressed with affirmation, honesty, truthfulness, and leadership.  

Men need godly principles upon which to stand.  Rejecting passivity, accepting responsibility and leading courageously are principles that lead to lasting relationships with our Savior, with each other, and with our community.

Even more important, men need to be accepted and affirmed by God, the Creator of men.  He made you the way that you are complete with your foibles and strengths.  He is the one that made you with your desire for intimacy.  No man is an island, no man is a rock, neither is he the walrus.

As we begin our Ironstrikes group, know that real men want to get together with other men.  They want to gain strength from each other, they want to let down their defenses and show their Achilles' Heel.  Real men join arm in arm together to bring the kingdom of God to their churches, to their families and to their communities.

Our organizational meeting will be starting soon, setting the second Saturday of each month as a time to get together.  We will be meeting on July 14th at the R.G.Holland Memorial Park in Fishers, IN at the shelter behind the children's play area.  We will start at 0830 and end before 1000.

Jesus just wants to hang out with you and share with you how to be like Him, our example of a real man.  Will you join HIM?

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Sunday Meditation

6/3/2012

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"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

We live somewhere between belief and unbelief. Our faith wavers. At times faith is strong and stable. At times it is weak, and shaken.

For many of us, our capacity for trust has been diminished by experiences with people who were not trustworthy. We have learned by painful experience that we will be disappointed if we trust. One of the most intense struggles in recovery is to rebuild our capacity for trust and hope. We want to believe, but we are afraid.

Some people believe that God will respond only to people who 'believe enough'. "If you have enough faith, God will hear you," they say. But Jesus said "All you need is faith the size of a mustard seed." The mustard is the smallest of seeds. God does not reject small, limited faith. God will not ignore even the desire to believe. God will not dismiss a willingness to learn to trust. Mountains have been moved by less. God accepts our limited faith.

God does not ask us to wait until we are certain and strong in faith. God accepts us as we are, even with our limited faith.

Lord, you see my struggle to believe, 
to trust,
and to hope.
You know my fears, 
my hesitations, 
my questions.
Help me to accept the limits of my faith.
Help me to bring my limited faith to you.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan
National Association for Christian Recovery

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Signs of compulsive sexuality

5/24/2012

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Unlike an alcoholic who can abstain and maintain sobriety, the sexual addict has to face the fact of his sexuality.  Celibacy does not resolve the problem.   Hence, the question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive.  

The following formula is suggested as a guideline.  Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described using the SAFE acronym:

1.  It is a SECRET.  Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.

2.  It is ABUSIVE to self or others.  Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.

3.  It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS.  If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.  Also, if sexuality is used to avoid the pleasurable feelings of monogamy , there is trouble.

4.  It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship.  Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.  Marriage takes a lot of work.  There are ups and downs in marriage, that is part of what makes a long-term marriage satisfying.  There is a great shared history.  If the addict avoids the work of commitment, he runs a huge risk of being sexual outside of marriage.

If the SAFE acronym applies to you, I urge you to get help.  

This material is taken from the book Out of the Shadows (pg 189).

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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