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How can I make it?

5/9/2014

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"You don't know how you're going to make it," you say, as you wrestle within yourself, wondering if anyone can possibly understand what you're going through, struggling with the idea that a holy God could love a sinner such as you. Feeling the weight of your own burdens, hindered by your own accusing voice, you are often tempted to give up -- unsure, though, of what "giving up" even looks like. 

You know the passage which encourages, "So let us not grow weary in doing what is right, for we will reap at harvest time, if we do not give up" (Gal. 6:9 NRSV); but you're not quite sure what a season of harvest would look like, how such a season could possibly come to fruition, or even if a season of harvest will arrive at all. So you trudge through another day, barely hanging on to your sanity, praying that Christ will still love you in spite of you and your weaknesses. 

Having been through this type of season myself, allow me to offer you three quite encouraging pieces of advice. First, don't be so quick to rid yourself of a little suffering. Second, learn how to use these seasons as a means of gaining strength for yourself along your journey. Third, God is holding on to you much more firmly than you are holding on to Him -- He always has, and He always will.

Suffering and Embracing

Many of us in the West shun any type of suffering; in a sense, we are addicted to feeling good at all times in all seasons of life. Yet we live in a world of suffering on a very grand scale. So living our lives in feelings of euphoria at all times in all seasons is just unrealistic, unearthly. We suffer, if you will, from wanting heaven on earth in this life. But in order to get to heaven we must encounter earth.

Jesus promised us times of trouble (John 16:33). No one understands the human condition as does Jesus. But He also promised to be with us always, even to the end of the world (Matt. 28:20). He Himself didn't shun suffering (Heb. 5:8). Likewise, encourages Henri Nouwen, "the way through suffering is not to deny it, but to live fully in the midst of it."[1] Instead of trying method after method of ridding youself of any kind of suffering, learn to live victoriously in the midst of your suffering. 

Strength from Suffering

No one is trying to confess that this is easy. But instead of allowing suffering and troubles to have the upper hand in your life, turn the tables, and make suffering your servant. Embrace and own the suffering in order to conquer it, control it, and thus gain strength from it. Either suffering will control you or you will control it. How so? You don't deny your suffering, as do Buddhists and other advocates of Eastern religions, but you acknowledge its presence, and confess that Christ is with you in the midst of the suffering. 


Nouwen writes: 

We do not nurse the illusion that we can hopscotch our way through difficulties. For by trying to hide parts of our story from God's eye and our own consciences, we become judges of our own past. We limit divine mercy to our human fears. Our efforts to disconnect ourselves from our own suffering end up disconnecting our suffering from God's suffering for us.[2]


Just as when St Paul, prior to his conversion, persecuted the church, and Jesus confessed that Paul was actually persecuting Him (Acts 9:4), so Jesus is present with us in the midst of our suffering. We imagine that God's presence is only with us in times of praise and comfort. But we neglect the fact that when we suffer, He is present with us, suffering alongside of us. With this knowledge in mind, we understand that our suffering affords us a strength we too often neglect.

Source of Strength


Jesus informed us that without Him we could accomplish nothing of true value (John 15:5). But if He is present in the midst of our suffering, then by His grace we can gain His strength for our journey. When we ask a question such as, "How am I going to make it?", we assume that we'll "make it" by our own strength. This is not true. In principle, we are taught to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, thus indicating that we are responsible for the efforts we are to pursue in spiritual disciplines (Phil. 2:12). But we also learn that God is the one giving us the ability to pursue these spiritual disciplines (Phil. 2:13). He is the source of our strength. 

You must learn to not let your emotions or feelings dictate the course of your life. Just because your suffering seems insurmountable does not mean that your issues actually are insurmountable. If nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37), that will include the issues of your suffering. You will "make it," friend, and you will make it because of the grace and power of God, not your own.
_________

[1] Henri Nouwen, Turn My Mourning into Dancing: Finding Hope in Hard Times (Nashville: Word Publishing Group, 2001), 6. 

[2] Ibid., 6-7. 



This post was written by Anonymous.  For the original post, go to:  http://credendum.weebly.com/1/post/2014/04/how-am-i-going-to-make-it.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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An honest confession

2/22/2014

0 Comments

 
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I have been exposed to pornography since a very young age. Elementary school to be exact, and I still remember that first movie I was shown by an older kid that lived on my block, and I still remember the name of the individual who showed it to me! AND WHO WAS THERE WITH ME! (Crazy!) 

Over the years I had encounters with female and male partners up until High School, when I started dating a girl in the 10th grade. My worldview of love, relationships, and sex were so distorted because of pornography, that I eventually ended the relationship out of pure boredom and not feeling sexually satisfied with that individual, whom of course over the years I would still reach out to for "hook ups", in which case she would leave her home over an hour away, leaving her HUSBAND, and come to be with me for 20 minutes to 30 minutes, then drive home. 

As Paul says in Romans 7:24 - I’m a miserable human being. Who will deliver me from this dead corpse? (CEB). I was a horribly depraved individual who only wanted to fulfill my fantasies with whoever would give it to me. It didn't help that just after High School, I joined a band and became the lead guitar player. I can still remember the names of every one of those individuals I had encounters with. I feel disgusting, mortified, and shameful. 

Eventually I met my wife, and I quit the band while we were dating, but never came out to her about my problem. During our marriage counseling, I'd fill out the booklets how I WANTED to be. But not who I actually WAS. I deceived my wife from the get go. 

It wasn't until October of 2012, when I walked into the doors of a Celebrate Recovery, hosted by my own church, did I come out about my problem. I literally felt the Holy Spirit pushing me to get up to that microphone, take a 24 hour chip, and say "Hi, my name is Bob, and I struggle with lust and pornography." From there on out, I hit my knees in prayer, confessed my sin to the Lord, and asked for his forgiveness, which I was so unaware that he had already given me by His sacrifice on the cross, and shed blood. 

Just a few months later, in January of 2013, I was baptized, and gave my life, and heart fully to the Lord, but it has been a rollercoaster of a struggle. With each relapse, I learned more and more about the grace of God, and the need for continual prayer, as well as communication with my accountability partners and sponsors (I have two, and one struggles with same sex attraction). 

Currently I am almost 30 days clean, and that is not without incredibly tough battles. Especially when I am not going to the Lord immediately in prayer, and thinking I can do things by my own strength and will power. It's only when I pray with all of my heart, that I truly feel protected, and free from the choking grasps of my sin.


This post was written by anonymous.  Please pray for him that he will continue to seek God's plan and direction and that he would live a life of honesty and integrity.


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

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Pornography:  "It's just pictures!"

4/29/2013

6 Comments

 
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Here is an anonymous  confession by a reader of this blog.  It is edited slightly and names are changed to protect the identity of the individuals.  It is posted here with his permission.

"Dale, I have struggled over sending this to you. I don't know why I am. Maybe leading by the Holy Spirit. I'm not looking for anything out of it. If anything, maybe it will help someone else. You're blog posts on pornography have hit closer to home than you may know.

You probably know already that Mary and I are no longer married, but I don't know if you are aware of the circumstances that brought that split about. In 1995, I sexually molested my daughter. I have not voluntarily told this to anyone. In fact when asked if I have children, I have recently started telling people, "no," so I don't have to explain or make up a story about why I can't see them. I was arrested and spent several months in jail and the next four years in psychosexual counseling.

Because of my sin, I destroyed or at the very least damaged several lives. Mary was so hurt she left not only me but her faith. I have kept up a little with the kids (I have a permanent no-contact order) through MySpace and Facebook. John and Sally have graduated high school, but they both appear to be heavily into the occult. They are doing drugs and drinking. Bobby seems to have gotten on a better path (finally). I can read their wall posts, but if I were to contact them, it would be a mandatory six months in jail. So, I have watched my kids grow up online due to my actions.

All three kids have been in and out of foster care. John and Bobby have both been incarcerated. Mary has been through more than I am even aware of. I am devastated to know the damage I have done to these innocent lives. Would things have turned out differently if I was still in the picture? I don't know, but I would like to think they would. I did read on Mary's facebook page that her new boyfriend and Bobby were baptized a couple weeks ago. So, hopefully things are on a better track for her. I continually pray for them.

I have been addicted to pornography and sex since I was in my teens. I recall shoplifting pornographic magazines from the store when I was in junior high. When I was working for a city in Montana, I found a stack of porn in one of the trucks. I sat parked in that truck for several hours looking at those magazines. I had a tough time explaining to the boss where I had been with the truck. I made up a lie to cover myself.  

I am reluctant to tell you what has happened to me, because I don't want to sound like I'm looking for pity. I want no sympathy from anyone. For what I did there is no pity warranted. I hate this kind of behavior in others. I am repulsed by it.

What has my crime/sin cost me...?"


"Everything! I lost my wife.  I never got to see my kids grow up.  I lost my ordination in the church.  I lost friends and family who can no longer stand to be around me." 

In the last several years I have lost jobs when employers found out about my past. I have had difficulty finding jobs, especially in the last couple years where everyone now does a background search. 

I have to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life. When I move, my neighbors are informed of my crime and who I am, including a picture. I have been denied residency because of my crime. Every six months a sheriff's deputy shows up at my door to make sure I still live here. I have a felony conviction that denies me entry to other countries. 

I have been asked not to attend two different churches including what I considered my home church. I attend church regularly, but now I will not fill out a visitor card for fear of being asked to leave. The church is a mega-church. 4,000+ attendance, and I don't know anyone there.

What I did was over 15 years ago, and I have lived a model life since. I haven't even had a speeding ticket since 1984. I pay all my bills on time. My faith in Christ has never dwindled. I know that without my faith, I would have ended it all years ago.

I knew I had a problem, but fear kept me from finding help. I never considered how much it would cost (myself and others). I told myself it would never happen again, but without counseling the cycle just continued. 

I have always been kind of a loner. I never really fit in, so I have kept to myself. As a result, I have taken to living in isolation. I have no close friends, but I have 400+ facebook "friends." If they only knew... This is the beginning of my cycle... then depression...

How have I broken the cycle?

1.  Awareness - I was made painfully aware of my problem. I recognize that I have a propensity to porn and I avoid it.

2.  Admission of problem - I have admitted that I have a problem, and that it is a problem.

3.  Recognize cycle - In my four years of counseling, I learned to recognize that my failings came in cycles. I found that when that cycle was progressing toward sin, there were ways to avoid it, to break the cycle.

4.  Avoidance - I have used several things to prevent entering into my destructive cycle over the years. I can't say that it always works, but I have found that these help:  1) Turning off the TV or computer, 2) Prayer or read my Bible, and 3) Negative reinforcement ~ snapping a rubber band on my wrist (when I think about it)

5.  Redirection - Find something else to do. Go for a walk, fish, read, exercise. Anything healthy."

Anonymous will be reading your comments.  So please let him know what you think...


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

6 Comments

Sex fixed everything (or so I thought)

8/14/2012

4 Comments

 
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This is the follow-up to our anonymous blogger from yesterday.  

Sex was the fix for everything, whether it was with my wife, or some fantasy girl. Bored? Sex. Lonely? Sex. Angry? Sex. Tired? Sex. Sad? Sex. Happy? Sex. You get the idea. I was an addict. I felt shame for looking at porn. The shame perpetuated my loneliness and depression. So, I medicated those feelings with more porn. And round and round I went. It was sick. My desires became more and more deviant. I needed more and more. Even though there were often weeks and months between acting out, and I always prayed it would be the last time, it never was. I went to counseling again. I took pills for depression again. I got worse and worse again. This time it would get worse than ever. I felt no love for my wife. I just wanted to be married to some perfect woman that only existed in my deluded mind. Our marriage was falling apart and it was my fault. I wanted to die. The only thing that kept me alive was the fear of hell. I didn’t know if suicide would get you placed in the express lane for the lake of fire, but I wasn’t willing to gamble on that one.

However, I did get close to death once. I’m not entirely sure whether I was really trying to kill myself, or whether I was just crying out for help. But, for the reasons already given I tend to go with the latter. So, I harmed myself just enough to get me placed in a psychiatric ward, but not enough to get me six feet under. It was the loneliest, most agonizing 3 weeks of my life. I still wanted to die, but I feared that after death even greater pain would be waiting that I could never escape. My wife stayed at home alone for 3 weeks. Crying out to God, dying inside, weeping, caving in. I did that to her. I have to live with that. I hurt her severely. No one has loved me through so much pain as she as, other than Jesus Christ, Himself.

It was far from over after I got out. I thought about death more at that time than before I was admitted. I went through an intensive 6 week program for sexual addiction and depression. It kept me alive by giving me a place to be when all I wanted was to be dead. I have no excuses - no one to point a finger at. “Guard your eyes”, my mother said. But, I didn’t listen and people got hurt. I wish that had been the end of it. I wish I had come to my senses and left the old man lying dead in a ditch. But instead I invited him back from time to time, just as I always had. Dogs return to their vomit. Apparently,  addicts do, too. Then one day it hit me: This is psychotic. I cried out to God that it would be the last time. I prayed everyday that God would not lead me into temptation, but deliver me from evil. And He did, and He has, and He is. Though the intensity of the prayer has waned, I still very regularly ask God to keep me from that filth. It’s pure poison for the soul. Oh God, how I wish I had understood how vile it was, but I was a fool and I received the due penalty for my sin. The wages of sin is death. My body could have died, and my heart and soul did. but praise God, My savior makes all things new! 

I am the man who stands in the temple beating his chest saying: “God have mercy on me, a sinner!” God did not have to save me from myself. He didn’t have to give me grace upon grace upon grace. He didn’t have to die so that I could live despite the vile, despicable things I did. My wife had every reason to throw in the towel. In a sense, I was having multiple affairs with women I had never even met, in pictures and on websites. Somebody’s daughter. Somebody’s sister. Somebody’s mother. Somebody’s wife. Sick. Sick. Sick. Sin destroys and does so very efficiently. 

I owe everything to God. I owe a lifetime of love and faithfulness to my wife. I owe every person a debt of love, mercy, and grace. That is what was given to me. That is what I am expected to give to others as well. Heaven forbid I turn around and refuse to forgive others their debts after all that was forgiven on my account. I pray that God will help me to offer up myself to Him. The old man must stay dead. I couldn’t bear for him to come around again. By the grace of God I will continue to be renewed my the transforming of my mind so that not only that aspect of my life will be new, but that God would shine His Light in every dark crevice of my soul and weed out every last remnant of wickedness and narcissism, so that I would be wholly His and wholly faithful as a husband to my wife. 

Dear God, let it be so!

Anonymous will be reading your comments.  Feel free to to tell him what you think of his honesty.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

4 Comments

Christian kids don't do porn (or do they?)

8/13/2012

0 Comments

 
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This honest two-part post is by an anonymous blogger:

“Guard you eyes”, my mother said. Seemed simple enough. How hard can it be, right? Or, so I thought until I stumbled across an advertisement featuring young woman with a nude upper body. I wasn’t looking through a pornographic magazine. It was some mundane publication that my parents had left in the bathroom. I was living in Europe at the time and the censorship laws there are much more lenient than in the United States, so an occasional sexually charged advertisement wasn’t entirely uncommon. I believe I was about seven years old at the time – a very young age to be exposed to porn. Of course, then there were several “friends” along the way who were eager to show me their porn collections, or that of their father's, or uncle's. I was quite taken by these images, though I didn’t fully understand sex. And why should I at that age?

I guess every tragedy has to start somehow, and mine started the day I randomly flipped through that magazine. Looking back, I suppose far worse things could have happened as a result of my poor choices. At the dawn of the internet, while I was still living with my parents, the fear of my parents finding out what I had could have been looking at on the computer kept from seeking out porn online. Fortunately, I wasn’t savvy enough to cover my tracks for quite some time. But, there were still those lenient censorship laws. I spent many a late night waiting for an erotic film to be shown. If nothing was broadcast to my liking I inevitably settled for the phone sex advertisements. I never called, but the girls were pretty - most of the time.

Unfortunately, this was the part of my life that I kept well hidden for many years. Apparently my parents were oblivious. I suppose it wouldn’t be entirely fair to blame them. They were raising a boy in a foreign culture and in a world in which parents weren’t very well educated in regards to the dangers of the internet. But, either way, the damage was done. Most people knew me as an introverted Christian kid from America. In many respects I appeared to be a good Christian boy to most folks. In high school I was very outspoken about my Christian beliefs, especially in the ethics classes I took, which provided plenty of opportunities for discussions about morality. Some of the guys called me the “Jesus Freak”. It wasn’t meant to be a compliment.

What is even more significant than the fact that my parents were oblivious to the secret part of myself that I kept tucked away, was that I was totally ignorant to the fact that I was setting myself up for a world of hurt. I had my first girlfriend when I was sixteen. We were both decent Christian kids, so we agreed that sex before marriage wasn’t an option. But, then there was the first kiss, the first French kiss, the first time making out. Soon enough I wasn’t particular interested in talking with her, I just wanted to experience the high I experienced from making out with her. And so the emotional intimacy quickly died, she lost interest, broke up with me, and that was that. I was devastated. I had been holding on to the idealistic notion that the first girl I dated would be the girl I married. As I reflect on that experience, I’m glad that she broke the relationship off. If she hadn’t I would have almost certainly pushed for intercourse eventually, regardless of how often I reassured myself that we wouldn’t cross that line. It was quite obvious that I had very little self-control.

Skip forward about 3 years. I now had my first great depression behind me. I had experienced severe emotional pain much of which was tied to being rejected and consequently feeling inadequate and insecure. There was much more to it than that, but that was a significant portion of my first emotional breakdown. I was now living with my parents in the United States. For some time I thought pornography was just a relic from my past. Unfortunately, that wasn‘t at all the case. As hard as I tried I eventually came back to it. After the fact I almost always said that it had been the last time. I even prayed that it would be. But, part of me still had my fingers crossed when I prayed that.

Then I met my future wife. I was honest with her about my past. At the time I thought it was in the past. She loved me anyway. Little did each of us know how much I would test her love. Physically we were both virgins when we got married, but mentally, and emotionally I was anything but pure. When we finally did get married, lo and behold, sex didn’t turn out to be like it was in the movies. As it turned out sex could sometimes be awkward, and take a lot of work and communication. My wife didn’t always know exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it, and neither was she always eager to give it to me. But, the women in the pictures and videos were. They say that anything worth having requires hard work to achieve. As it turns out the same thing is true of sexual intimacy. Sure, pornography always provided me with a quick and easy escape from my emotional pain, but afterwards it just irritated the gaping, festering wound in my heart.

Tomorrow, we will see the second part of this very personal story.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN

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So you think pornography doesn't hurt anybody? (part two)

4/3/2012

6 Comments

 
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If you remember from yesterday's post.  We have an anonymous reader who sent me his story. He just said, "what has this cost me?"

"Everything! I lost my wife.  I never got to see my kids grow up.  I lost my ordination in the church.  I lost friends and family who can no longer stand to be around me. 

In the last several years I have lost jobs when employers found out about my past. I have had difficulty finding jobs, especially in the last couple years where everyone now does a background search. 

I have to register as a sex offender for the rest of my life. When I move, my neighbors are informed of my crime and who I am, including a picture. I have been denied residency because of my crime. Every six months a sheriff's deputy shows up at my door to make sure I still live here. I have a felony conviction that denies me entry to other countries. 

I have been asked not to attend two different churches including what I considered my home church. I attend church regularly, but now I will not fill out a visitor card for fear of being asked to leave. The church is a mega-church. 4,000+ attendance, and I don't know anyone there.

What I did was over 15 years ago, and I have lived a model life since. I haven't even had a speeding ticket since 1984. I pay all my bills on time. My faith in Christ has never dwindled. I know that without my faith, I would have ended it all years ago.

I knew I had a problem, but fear kept me from finding help. I never considered how much it would cost (myself and others). I told myself it would never happen again, but without counseling the cycle just continued. 

I have always been kind of a loner. I never really fit in, so I have kept to myself. As a result, I have taken to living in isolation. I have no close friends, but I have 400+ facebook "friends." If they only knew... This is the beginning of my cycle... then depression...

How have I broken the cycle?

1.  Awareness - I was made painfully aware of my problem. I recognize that I have a propensity to porn and I avoid it.

2.  Admission of problem - I have admitted that I have a problem, and that it is a problem.

3.  Recognize cycle - In my four years of counseling, I learned to recognize that my failings came in cycles. I found that when that cycle was progressing toward sin, there were ways to avoid it, to break the cycle.

4.  Avoidance - I have used several things to prevent entering into my destructive cycle over the years. I can't say that it always works, but I have found that these help:  1) Turning off the TV or computer, 2) Prayer or read my Bible, and 3) Negative reinforcement ~ snapping a rubber band on my wrist (when I think about it)

5.  Redirection - Find something else to do. Go for a walk, fish, read, exercise. Anything healthy."

Anonymous will be reading your comments.  So please let him know what you think...


6 Comments

So, you think pornography doesn't hurt anybody? (part one)

4/2/2012

0 Comments

 
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Here is an anonymous  confession by a reader of this blog.  It is edited slightly and names are changed to protect the identity of the individuals.  It is posted here with his permission.

"Dale, I have struggled over sending this to you. I don't know why I am. Maybe leading by the Holy Spirit. I'm not looking for anything out of it. If anything, maybe it will help someone else. You're blog posts on pornography have hit closer to home than you may know.

You probably know already that Mary and I are no longer married, but I don't know if you are aware of the circumstances that brought that split about. In 1995 I sexually molested my daughter. I have not voluntarily told this to anyone. In fact when asked if I have children, I have recently started telling people, "no," so I don't have to explain or make up a story about why I can't see them. I was arrested and spent several months in jail and the next four years in psychosexual counseling.

Because of my sin, I destroyed or at the very least damaged several lives. Mary was so hurt she left not only me but her faith. I have kept up a little with the kids (I have a permanent no-contact order) through MySpace and Facebook. John and Sally have graduated high school, but they both appear to be heavily into the occult. They are doing drugs and drinking. Bobby seems to have gotten on a better path (finally). I can read their wall posts, but if I were to contact them, it would be a mandatory six months in jail. So, I have watched my kids grow up online due to my actions.

All three kids have been in and out of foster care. John and Bobby have both been incarcerated. Mary has been through more than I am even aware of. I am devastated to know the damage I have done to these innocent lives. Would things have turned out differently if I was still in the picture? I don't know, but I would like to think they would. I did read on Mary's facebook page that her new boyfriend and Bobby were baptized a couple weeks ago. So, hopefully things are on a better track for her. I continually pray for them.

I have been addicted to pornography and sex since I was in my teens. I recall shoplifting pornographic magazines from the store when I was in junior high. When I was working for a city in Montana, I found a stack of porn in one of the trucks. I sat parked in that truck for several hours looking at those magazines. I had a tough time explaining to the boss where I had been with the truck. I made up a lie to cover myself.  

I am reluctant to tell you what has happened to me, because I don't want to sound like I'm looking for pity. I want no sympathy from anyone. For what I did there is no pity warranted. I hate this kind of behavior in others. I am repulsed by it.

What has my crime/sin cost me...?"
 (continued tomorrow)

0 Comments

I live with a porn addict: "This Hell is Mine"

3/5/2012

51 Comments

 
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As the wife of a confirmed porn addict, I can tell you that life is not easy. In my mind, I sometimes wish he was addicted to "real women"; I cannot compete with airbrushed fantasies. In the dark hours when I know what he is doing in the room down the hall, I think how I could verbally attack or expose a "real woman" for her part in my husband's infidelity, yet I have no recourse but to writhe in emotional pain as the man I love is pretending to have sex with someone he will never meet. 

When he comes to my side and offers affection, I want to respond but am repulsed. My heart aches to know that I am the one he wants to hold, but knows all to well that he may not even see me for the images dancing in his mind. His arms may not even be around me, but around one of the many women he just spent the last hour with in the solitude of our marriage bed while I did dishes and helped kids with homework.

Many times I hear the promises that it is over; that he is mine alone. In graphic detail I am exposed to what his eyes have seen, the secret desires he had for those other women. He tells me about it as he promises he will get help. If only I could believe it this time.

A "real" affair would be easier for me to accept. Yet I walk each day with the feeling that I am never enough. As one woman, with one body, I can never be enough. With a heart full of shame that is not my own I beg God for His intervention. Plead that He help me keep this secret from children who love their father deeply. I ask that today is the day my husband finds freedom so that I can be free.

Even though I understand all the reasons it is not mine, as his wife this is my burden as well as his. He can claim that this is his secret hell that he cannot seem to escape, but as surely as I wear his ring on my finger and share his name, this hell is mine.

Written by Anonymous who will be reading your comments

51 Comments

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