I live with a porn addict: "This Hell is Mine" - IRONSTRIKES

I live with a porn addict: "This Hell is Mine"

3/5/2012

As the wife of a confirmed porn addict, I can tell you that life is not easy. In my mind, I sometimes wish he was addicted to "real women"; I cannot compete with airbrushed fantasies. In the dark hours when I know what he is doing in the room down the hall, I think how I could verbally attack or expose a "real woman" for her part in my husband's infidelity, yet I have no recourse but to writhe in emotional pain as the man I love is pretending to have sex with someone he will never meet.

When he comes to my side and offers affection, I want to respond but am repulsed. My heart aches to know that I am the one he wants to hold, but knows all to well that he may not even see me for the images dancing in his mind. His arms may not even be around me, but around one of the many women he just spent the last hour with in the solitude of our marriage bed while I did dishes and helped kids with homework.

Many times I hear the promises that it is over; that he is mine alone. In graphic detail I am exposed to what his eyes have seen, the secret desires he had for those other women. He tells me about it as he promises he will get help. If only I could believe it this time.

A "real" affair would be easier for me to accept. Yet I walk each day with the feeling that I am never enough. As one woman, with one body, I can never be enough. With a heart full of shame that is not my own I beg God for His intervention. Plead that He help me keep this secret from children who love their father deeply. I ask that today is the day my husband finds freedom so that I can be free.

Even though I understand all the reasons it is not mine, as his wife this is my burden as well as his. He can claim that this is his secret hell that he cannot seem to escape, but as surely as I wear his ring on my finger and share his name, this hell is mine.

Written by Anonymous who will be reading your comments

Brian Stout

3/5/2012 03:01:03

A lot of people don't understand that pornography IS an addiction. Just as much of an addiction, in fact, as heroin, meth or alcohol. The big difference is the 'visibility' of the addict. Where there are definite signs of a drug or alcohol addict, what signs are there of porn addiction.

The signs will become evident over time through broken relationships, but there are no outward, telltale signs. And then, what do you do when the pornography isn't enough to satisfy your "needs?" Prostitutes, an affair, child molestation?

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." ~ Phil. 4:8-9 (NIV)

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drwayman link

3/5/2012 04:54:27

Brian - You are right. Porn is insidious. That means that it never gives up. It continues to take and men end up doing things that they never thought they would (for example, employing prostitutes, like you said). Porn will ALWAYS win. The only thing that stops porn is an abject honest and humble life guided by God's Holy Spirit.

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The Seeking Disciple link

3/7/2012 03:21:31

I hurt for women caught in-between with men who are committing adultery with their hearts in pornography. I believe it's just a matter of time, given the chance, these same men would commit physical adultery with a real woman. The sexual addiction is a powerful tool of the enemy of our souls and he uses it to trap men. I pray to God that we would learn the value of James 5:16 as men. We need accountability to keep each strong in the Lord and focused on what is pure and holy (Philippians 4:8-9).

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drwayman link

3/7/2012 09:01:18

SD - Not only are women affected but children are as well. My experience in interviewing men addicted to porn is that they get trapped by porn when they find their dad's stash. We men need to learn and practice the truth of Philippians 4:8-9 and clean our own house (in more ways than one).

I don't know the stats but my experience has taught me that porn leads to physical adultery as you have stated.

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gaveuponhim

9/29/2013 09:50:56

I am the exwife of a porn addict. I was married to this man 19 years. 17 of which I knew about his addiction. He came to not care how it affected me. He continued aftee it started causing ED. He continued after he lost his job due to looking at it at work. He continued after I divorced him and he lost it all. After two years of divorce I gave him another chance. Again, porn was chosen over the wife and children he loves. Its an addiction. Nothing to do with the wife. She can be most beautiful, prefectly shaped woman in the world, it would not matter. Ladies, please know it is not you. And he will never change until he really wants to and tries he's hardest. I just couldn't take the lies anymore. Now I'm left knowing that I will never have the man I truely love.

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drwayman link

9/30/2013 04:48:46

gaveuponhim - I'm sorry that your marriage was so difficult. I really like your statement, "Ladies, please know it is not you." Porn not only destroys the user but it tries to destroy those who love the porn user.

If I can be of assistance, don't hesitate to email me at drwayman@ironstrikes.com

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so lost.

10/8/2013 19:11:29

I just learned about his addiction 7 months ago ,I am so beat up emotionally ,I go from very calm to completely out of control with hate ,humiliations,being scared and staying strong and tuff, I show no hurtful emotions when I argue with him ,I stay strong and face him with all that I have so I don't break down.He has told me he has not looked at any porn , I don't believe him he has lied to me before ,now he says it's different and it not the same ..We have gone through some serious arguments ,he tells me he love me and that he is working on it ..I have no trust in him and I'm living in a world of hate ,resentment Im looking for any kind of reading material to help me understand this ..I'm so lost

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drwayman link

10/9/2013 07:42:02

so lost - I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you have been experiencing because of the addictions of someone you love. Porn not only destroys the user but it tries to destroy those you love the porn user.

Don't hesitate to contact me privately at drwayman@ironstrikes.com I would like to connect you with resources in your community.

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Ruth

11/11/2016 15:16:59

I am torn apart by this everyday. Constantly.

Angel

2/12/2016 21:07:06

So lost: I'm feeling the exact same way and have been clawing at anything to find some type of relief. Today, in our couples therapy session, i was able to borrow a book called Deceived: facing sexual betrayal, lies, and secrets by Claudia Black. I've only gotten halfway thru the first chapter but so far it seems that it will prove to be helpful. It basically gives u guidance in how to find peace with the addiction and what it's done to u.

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Again??

10/31/2013 06:31:33

Here we go again, though this time he has not come clean.
A few months ago it was really bad ( at work ) and we talked but he never seemed very remorseful. I stayed super angry because it had been awhile and I trusted him again.
Well this week it's been twice , and there has been no intimacy in a few months. We talked about that and I said he really needs to make the first move as its always me. And now I have lost all interest as I am so disgusted and wonder does he or is he capable of locing me. He says he does I mean south yards yards yada

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drwayman link

11/1/2013 01:56:57

Dear Again?? - I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Have you consulted your pastor or a licensed professional counselor who is a Christian? If you tell me your zip code, I can find you some resources. Email me at drwayman@ironstrikes.com

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Ann

11/8/2013 01:33:08

I read these stories and know you are not alone, the pain is horrible

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drwayman link

11/8/2013 06:50:19

Ann - Thanks for dropping by Ironstrikes and also thank you for commenting. If we can be of service, drop us a line at drwayman@ironstrikes.com

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In the same boat

11/12/2013 14:57:39

Today was yet another argument about his pirn usage. We have been married 5 years and I knew about this problem before that. I hoped he would change. It used to involve cyber sex with many different women. It probably still does, he has just become better at hiding it from me. Last summer we almost divorced. We went through counseling, which helped the marriage issues, but obviously didn't help his porn issues. I thought things were better. I quit searching his phone and our home computer constantly. I would only do a quick peek to satisfy my curiosity. To bring me some relief from the fears that still entered my mind. Last December I found a conversation between him and one of his "crushes" from before we were married. He was asking her for friends with benefits status. This was from the summer we were separated and almost divorced. I was devistated. We got through it. I thought things were better. He had become a much better husband, due to the counseling. Counseling saved our marriage. At least it helped temporarily. And today I did a deeper search of his Facebook account. I found searches on his page for various pages of scantily clad women. He admitted it. He also admitted doing it mostly at work. He said that there were worse internet searches there and if it were not for firewall protection there, there would be many more videos than would turn up in the history. I try not to imagine the other email accounts, Facebook accounts, where he participates in more cyber sex, just like before. When things were going so good, I became pregnant with our fourth child. Here I am, 4 weeks away from delivering our fourth child, wondering what to do now. Where to go from here. What will come next. What should I do? Stay and help him try again? Leave and punish him? But I love him. And he has been a better husband since counseling. But has anything really changed? Is there hope for us? For him? Can I live with this pain? Betrayal? Constant fear of it happening again?

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drwayman link

11/13/2013 03:31:57

In the same boat - I'm sorry that his betrayal has returned. He needs to get into an accountable relationship with another man and a licensed professional christian counselor to be able to conquer his addiction.

Please get support for yourself thru this ordeal and stay close to God as He directs you in the steps that would be best for you, your children and for your husband.

If you need resources, write me at drwayman@ironstrikes.com with your zip code and I'll see what I can do :)

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Chrystine

12/22/2013 16:16:09

Dear "Boat",
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, especially with a large family to raise. You baby must have been born by now, Congratulations, BTW! I am very concerned that your husband is looking at these things at work. Most employers monitor their employees internet usage and it is just a matter of time before your husband is caught. He will be extremely fortunate if he is only given a warning and not terminated immediately. He is not just jeopardizing the marriage and family which is horrible, he is also jeopardizing his livelihood. He needs profession help ASAP. I would recommend Celebrate Recovery or another sexual addiction group if there is no CR in your area. You should encourage him to see his physician as well. PS - If you leave, you should do so only to have a better life for you and your children and to protect yourself from the possibility of contracting a disease, not to "punish" him. That isn't our job as wives. Best wishes, I hope it works out for you and your young family. Hugs and prayers.

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Here we go again

11/12/2013 15:02:07

This is perfectly worded for how I feel.

http://www.throughtheflame.org/life-with-a-pornogarphy-addict.php

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drwayman link

11/13/2013 03:28:13

Here we go again - Thanks for the resource :)

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Author

1/19/2014 00:12:52

Thank you all for your input. We are still married after a decade of going through this. There are good days and bad. We can go for months without a problem, and then the telltale signs come creeping back. We have had both individual and couple's therapy, but it seems like nothing helps completely. When he backsides now he will quote facts about how w powerful a grip this type of addiction holds over people as a way to prove that the fault is not really his.
Somedays all I want to do is run away. He almost completely lost the ability to be intimate with me... And even though I know it's not because of me, I still struggle with feeling so inadequate. Yesterday he "came clean " again. Even though the signs were there, it still caused such pain to listen to him go from accusing to angry to self loathing. Do I believe that he is truly sorry? I want to, but it is too early this time to be past my own anger and hurt to look at his feelings.
I am just wondering if there is ever any hope? He claims Christianity. I know God is bigger than addictions, but I also know a person has to work on it as well. Right now I just want it to stop.

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drwayman link

1/19/2014 06:01:40

For those of you who don't know, Author is Anonymous from this original post. Her hell continues...

Anonymous, I'm continuing to pray for you as you ask God about what to do about your marriage. I hope that others who responded to you here will do the same. Please find some good Christian women from your church that you can pour your heart out to and who will pray for you.

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Hurt beyond belief

5/1/2014 06:27:51

I, too, know you're pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice since I am currently fighting this battle with my husband myself. We have only been married three years and he has known from the very beginning that I believe that porn is a form of infidelity and that is unacceptable in our marriage. He swore that he didn't view it and never would because he felt the same. Oh boy, was that a lie. I found it the first time the week I was miscarrying our first child. Not only was I experiencing the pain of losing the baby I had always hoped for but now I felt like I had taken a blow to the stomach by discovering his porn usage. He swore it wasn't his yet it was in his phone. We managed to work past that because he promised he wouldn't do it again. Five months later, and three months pregnant with another, I found more but this time some explicit sex sites were found. He swore they were pop ups. I have continually found it about every three months since. Just when I think we are doing good, I get hit again by the pain and the realization that he isn't going to change. He doesn't see that he has a problem, in fact he lies to the point where he threatens to divorce me each time I don't believe his lies. He promises to change and get help but then I'm thrown right back into this roller coaster ride. Every time he blames me, every time it's my fault for example, I was pregnant and hormonal, I made him mad, I stress him out by asking him to help with our son etc. I feel so degraded and disrespected. My heart can't take much more. I am a good wife and a good mother. I cater to his every need and want. I'm fit and take care of myself yet the women that he keeps viewing are the complete opposite of me and my body type. I have no level of understanding as to why I am not good enough. I know that it's not me but when situations like this arise, I can't help but thing that something is defective within myself. I completely believe that God has a plan for my life and that he will bring me through this. What I'm having a hard time figuring out is whether or not my marriage is salvageable and whether or not that this is where I'm meant to be.

Sorry for parading your post, I have nobody to talk to and no support. I just wanted you to know I feel your pain and that I am terribly sorry you are going through it. It isn't fair and you don't deserve to be treated this way and neither do I.

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drwayman link

5/1/2014 06:56:50

Dear Hurt Beyond Belief - I'm sorry to hear about your husband's behavior. I hope that he gets help, gets into a good men's group and is honest with his pastor.

Please get support for yourself. Get into a good women's group where you can openly share what you're experiencing. Feel free to write me if you're looking for resources where you live. drwayman@ironstrikes.com

I hope that ironstrikes is a safe place for you. We believe in respecting and honoring women here. Please come by and comment any time.

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Ruth

11/11/2016 15:19:45

I wish I had someone to talk to about this. It eats at me constantly. I feel repulsive.

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Kim

5/17/2017 22:53:43

I am dealing g woth same issues. Noone to talk to about his addiction. I don't want to have sex with him . I was previously married 20 years to a man I thought was great to find out he was cheating on me and he became extremely abusive now I'm woth this man who we don't argue or fight hell we don't talk really and he is always on his phone swears he doesn't look at porn anymore then low and behold I use his phone and there it is 14 sites of porn active. I just don't know what to do anymore

monareal

8/4/2014 17:44:20

As I sit and read I can't help but cry I'm in love for the first time in my life with a porn addict I feel useless embarrassed and alone. I guess I contributed to this by going to strips clubs and showing him pics of naked women. He told me he was addicted and it came from something that happened to him while growing up. I'm do hurt night after night I go to bed feeling alone. Where before I didn't it seems as if since I found out is worse sec comes here and there then when we do he can't stay up. What do I do?

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drwayman link

8/5/2014 03:36:29

Dear monareal - I'm sorry to hear that pornography has taken it's toll on you and your relationship.

Please get support for yourself. Get into a good women's group where you can openly share what you're experiencing. Feel free to write me if you're looking for resources where you live.

drwayman@ironstrikes.com

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Ruth

11/11/2016 15:21:06

Do you have any resources in Portland Oregon?

So Sad

8/29/2014 12:50:11

As I'm reading these posts, I cry. I'm not the only one. I'm so sad. My husband confessed over 6mths ago that he thought he was addicted to porn. I knew he looked occasionally, but had no idea he was addicted. He said he would do better. And I trusted him. But it's still happening. 2-3 times a week. Since I don't count weekends b/c he's home and we have 3 children, that's almost everyday. Everyday. I have no one to talk to b/c he doesn't want anyone to know. We are Christians and very active in our church and I know he is embarrassed. He won't seek help. He just says he will do better and that he loves me. But this time when I caught him it's sent me into a deep depression. I can't shake it. He's made me feel worthless. He says it's not my fault but I don't see it like that. I'm not enough. He doesn't see it as 'cheating' but that's how it feels to me.

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drwayman link

8/30/2014 01:45:58

Dear So Sad - I'm sorry that pornography has taken a foothold in your husband's life This is NOT your fault. It's not about you not being enough. Please don't take his adultery that way.

I encourage you to find a women's group and get some support for this. I also encourage you to confidentially talk to your pastor and gain his/her support as well. If you desire, you can email me your zip code to drwayman@ironstrikes.com and I can return some possible resources in your area.

In the meantime, I have at least 3 posts on this site that clearly state that a man who is consuming porn is committing adultery. Here is one example: http://www.ironstrikes.com/blog/porn-adultery

You will always find safety and support here at Ironstrikes. Thanks for reading this important post written by Anonymous and most of all, thanks for commenting. Rest assured that you are loved by our Savior and our local Ironstrikes men's group is praying for you and your husband.

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Kathy

8/4/2015 06:51:32

Two to three times a week...I wish it was like that with my bf. He does it everyday!! And on the days I'm at dialysis, he's on it the whole time! Makes me feel so inadequate, and that he doesn't care about me being there, and he sitting here possibly jacking off to the porn sites on the computer. Of course he does have ALOT of porn movies. I almost can't handle it anymore.
And it seems like since we've been together in our house, he just keeps doing it more and more.
I left him for almost a week since he threw a temper tantrum (I moved a piece of furniture) and one thing I asked when I came back was no more porn in the mail. Well..it kept coming...he says its backup, since they didn't come and its paid for already. Well..its been a while now..he's a liar.
I'm not a young lady, so I guess its even worse when you're older. But, I'm not butt ugly or fat. He's good to me, does things for me, but its almost not enough. Can't he just be a clean nice boy? I guess men are asses. In the beginning I was crazy about him, lately, not so much so. I'm depressed most of the time.
Oh, and when we go out, he sees a hot girl..omg..he has to make comments. Then I HATE him MORE!

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Kathy

8/4/2015 06:55:32

We're both older. He's 55, and I'm 60. This is my 2nd relationship. We're both divorced. Cannot marry since I'm on SSI, due to my illness. I have a kidney disease(hereditary), no diabetes. I want to live a long time to see my grandchildren grow up! But this bf of mine, he's gotta stop with this porn..its making me feel even older. I know how to find what he looks at, all young girls. God help me

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drwayman link

8/4/2015 23:34:12

Kathy - thanks for coming by Ironstrikes. I can sense your pain and anger, knowing that it really hurts when someone you love is unfaithful. I urge you to seek counseling from a Licensed christian counselor as you need support. You will also find support at church. If you send me your zip code, I will try and find some resources for you. My email address is drwayman@ironstrikes.com

So Sad

8/31/2014 08:34:34

We've talked a little. I hate talking about any of it b/c all I do is cry. I told him he'll cheat for real eventually; he says that he would never do that, but he also said he would do better. It's been over a week since I caught him and I don't believe he has looked. He wants my help. Wants me to be his accountability partner. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. I'm still depressed. Since the main source of his viewing is on his phone, I asked him about blocking websites or parental controls. He said that might help, but he couldn't do it himself if he knew the password. So, I did it. I haven't told him yet, but I tried to get to one of the sites I saw on his phone and it blocked me. Thank God I figured out how to do it. The first time I tried I was so upset I couldn't think straight! This time, I took my time and figured out how to block the websites. I did it on my phone too. Our PC is next. He doesn't understand the damage he's done to me. He says it's his problem, why is it my problem? He has no idea. I still find it hard to talk to him or look at him. I still think therapy for both of us is nesassary. I have NO one to talk to. I feel so isolated. That's why I got back on here. I had to tell someone that I had taken a step to help him by blocking the websites on his phone. I just have to decide; 1, if I should tell him I did it or wait to see if he brings it up, and 2, how to bring up therapy. I'm also concerned that since I've blocked his websites, how will he get his fix? Will he look at work? Buy a magazine? Or a real person this time? I should have more faith in him, but I don't yet. It's still too raw. The pastor we've had for over 10 yrs has retired this year and I'm not comfortable with the new one yet to seek his help. I'm in a woman's group, but it's women I see all the time and socialize with, so I'm not comfortable confiding in any of them either. I'm finding it hard to even think about church or my women's group. I think it will just take awhile. The depression leaves me tired and I don't feel like going anywhere. I'm hoping it will get better. I'm hoping I can start praying again. I'm hoping he will get better. Thanks for listening/reading.

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drwayman link

9/1/2014 01:51:58

So Sad - I'm sorry that your husband's sinfulness is causing you to retreat from your women's group and from your church. Know that this is not your fault. I really encourage you to open up to the women that you meet with. I think you will be surprised at the support that you receive.

Here is a good book I want you to read: Every Heart Restored: A wife's guide to healing in the wake of a husband's sexual sin by Fred & Brenda Stoeker & Stephen Arterburn

If you will send me your zip code to drwayman@ironstrikes.com, I will see if I can find you some local resources that could be helpful, confidentially of course :)

I'm glad to hear you say that you hope you can start praying again. Remember that the Holy Spirit knows how to pray for us when we just feel like we can't. The best prayers can simply be, "Lord, help me!" And then just depend on Him to help you. You can believe that God loves you and your husband and He wants you to have a God-honoring relationship.

Please stay close to Him, don't run from the very source of healing. He has the answer.

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Author

9/2/2014 05:08:21

Dear So Sad.
I cannot speak as an expert in counseling for this area, but as a woman, a wife, and a fellow sufferer. Being his accountability partner is not a wise idea. He needs to find a man that he can trust. A Christian man. You are a victim of his addiction just as surely as he is. Both of you need someone. This is one of those times in a marriage where you need to have somebody outside of your union be the partner who steps alongside and helps both of you protect your marriage vows.
I can tell you from years of experience, it is not your fault. You did not choose this, nor did you make him choose pornography. It is considered by most Christians as cheating. One spouse cannot make another cheat with a real person, so it stands to reason that you cannot force your spouse to cheat with a screen.
I have tried for years to get my husband to understand this. Sometimes he seems to; other times he blames me and says it is my fault because I allowed internet in my home, I should know that he will look if he can, women are everywhere and they dress in ways to attract attention...And so on.
One thing we have done is make sure he has no access to a smart phone, or any phone with internet. All computers have a password. Sometimes he still has a need to try and figure out the password and just sneak a peek, just to see if he can. Yes, he has succeeded more than once. He has many excuses for this, and I have lost interest in any of them.
Long story short. Get help. I understand not telling a whole group of women from your church. Find one you can trust. Find a counselor if you can. He needs help too, and not just from you. You are a victim here, and you need healing just as he does.
If you want to help one another, start couples devotions. Search your Bible together for ways to refocus your marriage. Be sure you are praying together daily. This isn't going to make everything go away, but it is definitely going to help. I have been trying to make this happen in my marriage, but there has been an upheaval since he moved to a different shift at work. Now we are seldom together and awake at the same time.
I hope some of this helps.
Author

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Sad beyond belief

9/16/2014 17:23:53

I have been married for almost 8 years, my husband is younger than me and we haven't been physical since February 2012. I begged for 5 years that he get help. I told him I would stop trying and get a cold heart. Well, the day that happened...I felt relief. We are married but it is like I have a roommate. It's quite disgusting actually. I was single for a long time before my 1st and 2nd husband and thought I finally had a great guy. Well... He is a great guy and a great friend. I sleep in the spare bedroom most of the time because it just feels awkward sleeping with a friend. We don't even have intimate kisses. Short pecks and we are done. He tries now, but it's a little too late for that.

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drwayman link

9/17/2014 01:19:21

Dear Sad Beyond Belief - I would encourage you to see a Christian Sex Therapist together. If you need a referral, send me your zip code and I will let you know who is close by :)

BTW - Thanks for coming by and visiting us here at Ironstrikes. You are always welcome here.

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M

12/7/2014 01:00:45

I'm so hurt. I'm in a relationship for 2 years now, and I know all this time for his viewing porn. Every day, no exception. Few times I left him, but came back, because every time he said he would stop. I don't know what to do. He says it doesn't have anything to do with me, that I'm just the way he likes it. But I can't get over the fact that I'm not enough, I'm in agony every day, in pain... I don't know what to do anymore...

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drwayman link

12/8/2014 01:04:12

M - I see that you are writing to me from Europe. I don't have resources there but I hope that you get support for yourself. Please seek out other Christian women who can help you. Just know that his use of porn has nothing to do with you "not being enough" God has made you just the way you are so that you can find true love in Him.

Thanks for coming by Ironstrikes. You are always welcome here.

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swagner

1/8/2015 09:12:48

I am the other half of a porn addict as well. Hes been caught many times looking at sites or even old pictures of girlfriends of the past. He uses it every chance he is alone. I feel he truly does love me and cannot stop on his own. He is not a man who follows God and I am not the perfect Christian myself. Checking up on him consumes me and causes so much hatred as well as a low self esteem. We are intimate more than most but all I can think of is what he writes to the other women as he chats w them. Hes a whole different destructive person in a chat room. I dont know which way to turn anymore.

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drwayman link

1/13/2015 03:13:18

swagner - Here is a good book I want you to read: Every Heart Restored: A wife's guide to healing in the wake of a husband's sexual sin by Fred & Brenda Stoeker & Stephen Arterburn

If you will send me your zip code to drwayman@ironstrikes.com, I will see if I can find you some local resources that could be helpful, confidentially of course :)

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Losing Hope

2/4/2015 13:29:38

I've been engaged to my fiancé for about a year and a half. Recently I discovered he has a major porn addiction. I think I was in denial until the last few days, actually. Now I'm realizing it truly is an addiction because he looks at it hours upon hours each day. I never would've known because he is not at all adventurous in the bedroom. He cheated on me with an ex back in September (that's when I found out but it was obviously going on before that). He moved out for almost 3 months and we got back together in November. I call the other woman "homewrecker" because she knows we are back together and continues to pursue him. I know he isn't innocent either. I have no trust in him and he isn't doing much to show me I should trust him again, either. He treated me better at one time but now all I can think about is this possible double life he has. He looks at "tranny porn" a lot too and it confuses me so much! Literally he does searches for "she makes" and looks at some of the same people over and over.

I read all the previous posts and was comforted that others had similar experiences. It's a horrible feeling and I go from being sad to mad and then very depressed over this. At first I thought I could do things to get him to where he didn't want to look at it but I'm learning quickly that I can't compete with cheating and porn.

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Losing Hope

2/5/2015 02:27:03

Two more things to my post: I meant to say "she males" for the t-porn and also I fell so inadequate for him. Feel like nothing I do will ever be enough. Sorry to ramble both here and in my original post. I am just so lost right now.

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Broken Hearted

11/16/2015 21:15:41

Dear Losing Hope,

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We had been together 5 years previously for a few months before he cheated on me and I broke up with him. We kept in touch through the years and eventually he convinced me that he was a changed man and would NEVER do anything to jeopardize "us" again. Three months into the new-found love, I caught him on one of those "dating" sites, where you "send love" to people you find attractive. About three months later, I caught him again, on a different site. We moved in together on Oct. 9th. Because he's had a history of cheating, I periodically check his phone. I was getting that "weird feeling" like I knew something was wrong. This past Friday morning, I woke up at 6am and checked his phone. Despite the fact that he'd been caught 3 times before doing something or another, cheating, I was horrified at the emails I found back and forth between him and a woman named Stacey. I remember getting that feeling before but hadn't acted on it because I sometimes fear that I'm not putting the trust I should into my boyfriend. The emails had been going on since last June. He asked for "pictures of her pretty face" and told her that he missed her, thoughts that should have been of me! I sat there trying to tell myself that what I'd seen wasn't real...there HAD to be a good explanation for this, right!? I was so....I can't even describe what I felt! Needless to say, I woke him up and confronted him, again. This was the 2nd time I'd found emails to a girl - it was a different girl last time. He's promised he'll get treatment and start going to SA meetings this Wednesday; but, he's also tried to give me reasons why he can't go to the meetings. I told him that until he got straight, we were through. I've been through so much, especially in the past 4 years! I just can't take the hurt anymore!
The worst part is...the women he looks at, look JUST like me! I want so badly to believe him, that he wants to get better....but I just can't believe anything he says right now.
I'm in counseling already for other issues and will be discussing this at the next session. I'm not religious, and neither is he...but I did get him to agree to the meetings and counseling. I've already set boundaries; but, anticipate those being ignored after the first 3 weeks. I'm feeling really lost right now, and betrayed.

Up@nights

2/6/2016 02:30:38

I don't really sleep well anymore. Its 2 am as I write this. Since having a baby and learning that my husband has been sleeping with various women 3 out of four years of our marriage. For a few years I really didn't realize how bad the porn addiction was I knew he was watching porn and he told me he would stop. He used to work all the time so he wasnt home. Just before I had the baby I saw an email :(he wrote to some girl he was seeing. He told me it would stop sleeping with his girl and I believed. Then I saw him searching online dating sites like Craig's list, tinder, okcupid and the list goes on and on. He told me the porn sites lead you to these places. And he never met anyone. A few months ago I put a keylogger on the computer and saw that he has been emailing and arranging to hang out and sleep with various other women. im married to a liar. Hes also really good a manipulation. Both qualities I didnt see before marriage. Before porn. He was so loving and kind and slowly he became an angry bitter and spiteful person towards me. For a while he was saying it was my fault recently he has been taking some blame but then it still ends up being my fault. I have made some mistakes in our marriage but I often think what did I do to deserve this. One night I got so angry that he was up watching porn while im up with our son. When I try to talk to him he asks why am I bothering him. He told me he doesnt love or like me and im not even his friend. He has recently moved into the spare room and put a lock on the door probably so he could watch porn undisturbed. I feel lonely unwanted and old and im only 32. I havent told anyone I know that hes been cheating that hes addicted to porn. I struggle with so many feelings sometimes I cry and want the cheating to stop other times I wish a bus would hit him. I never thought our marriage would be like this. We both have become different people thanks to porn.seems like I cry every day. Like im morning the death of my close friend. I told him that him lookking ar other women hurts me. He says I should stop looking at him and look to jesus and maybe he would love me again. I wish I could leave but I have no place I feel comfortable going nor do I want to tell anyone. I feel like a failure. Sometimes I dont want to eat other times im constantly eating. I was driving today and saw a sign that said There's Hope. Another that said count your blessings. Even though my life seems so dark right now I know there is hope!

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sara

9/23/2016 17:17:03

I feel the same way. I few years ago, he told me he wasn't sure how he "felt" about me anymore. I thought we decided to work on the marriage. I then saw a video of him pleasuring himself and a "story" he was writing. I asked him about it and he blew me off. I let it go. I now believe this is when it started. But, we were getting closer than ever and he treats me better than you can imagine. Except for sex. Last month I asked him what was going on and he said it again, he doesn't have romantic feelings anymore but that he loves me deeply as his best friend. So here I am, 57 years old, I haven't had a job in 25 years, and I'm living with this. I have to stay because I can't afford the mortgage without him. I can't sell the house because his mother lives here. I did find a part time job, but not enough to support myself and we have a child in college. I am so scared and devastated. There is no one I could possibly talk to, I have to protect his image as he works in the service industry and I need him to work of course. He has no idea I found out what he is doing and each day is a struggle. It does feel like the death of a friend yet you still see them. Please don't feel like a failure. I did too but then realized that he has the blame and addition, not me. The hard part is there is no one to talk too and we carry this burden alone, a burden that shouldn't belong to us. I too believe there is hope-but for now.....

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Elle

11/24/2016 18:09:39

I have been married to a porn addict for 20 years. We have been to counseling, but it really only helped me. For the last 4 years we live side by side as friends, but I no longer allow intimacy. This is my way of guarding myself. But even though I say this is fine, and most of the time I am ok with it, I wonder what would life be like if there was someone that I was good enough for? I find I am unfocused and deeling with greater depression as time goes on. I am 59 and don't want to begin all over with a home, etc. I tell myself it could be a lot worse and to be thankful for what I do have.

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Tammy Graham

3/19/2017 10:44:32

20 year marriage. Hidden porn all the while, would only catch him once or twice a year. Now it's monthly I find it. I must be the ugliest freak in the world to him. No intimacy in almost 2 years. My hair has fallen out, half head bald. Have some hard lump on the side of my spine/neck just below the skull about the size of a grape. Begged for comfort love prayer. As I have past 7 years, nothing. He has not allowed me to work this whole time. Made me cut ties with friends from before marriage. Have no family sure to him. He has O relationship with our daughters 18 and 20 who still live at home. Hasn't for at least 6 years. I've Never received a gift for any holiday or bday. This year Christmas was spent staring at the TV screen. Had no tree, no gifts. Me and these girls are worthless. Wish God would just kill me already. I hate life and porn. Just waiting for death. Nobody is ever to ugly or worthless for that

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