I live with a porn addict: "This Hell is Mine" - IRONSTRIKES-men forging men

I live with a porn addict: "This Hell is Mine"

03/05/2012

As the wife of a confirmed porn addict, I can tell you that life is not easy. In my mind, I sometimes wish he was addicted to "real women"; I cannot compete with airbrushed fantasies. In the dark hours when I know what he is doing in the room down the hall, I think how I could verbally attack or expose a "real woman" for her part in my husband's infidelity, yet I have no recourse but to writhe in emotional pain as the man I love is pretending to have sex with someone he will never meet.

When he comes to my side and offers affection, I want to respond but am repulsed. My heart aches to know that I am the one he wants to hold, but knows all to well that he may not even see me for the images dancing in his mind. His arms may not even be around me, but around one of the many women he just spent the last hour with in the solitude of our marriage bed while I did dishes and helped kids with homework.

Many times I hear the promises that it is over; that he is mine alone. In graphic detail I am exposed to what his eyes have seen, the secret desires he had for those other women. He tells me about it as he promises he will get help. If only I could believe it this time.

A "real" affair would be easier for me to accept. Yet I walk each day with the feeling that I am never enough. As one woman, with one body, I can never be enough. With a heart full of shame that is not my own I beg God for His intervention. Plead that He help me keep this secret from children who love their father deeply. I ask that today is the day my husband finds freedom so that I can be free.

Even though I understand all the reasons it is not mine, as his wife this is my burden as well as his. He can claim that this is his secret hell that he cannot seem to escape, but as surely as I wear his ring on my finger and share his name, this hell is mine.

Written by Anonymous who will be reading your comments

Comments

Brian Stout

03/05/2012 11:01

A lot of people don't understand that pornography IS an addiction. Just as much of an addiction, in fact, as heroin, meth or alcohol. The big difference is the 'visibility' of the addict. Where there are definite signs of a drug or alcohol addict, what signs are there of porn addiction.

The signs will become evident over time through broken relationships, but there are no outward, telltale signs. And then, what do you do when the pornography isn't enough to satisfy your "needs?" Prostitutes, an affair, child molestation?

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." ~ Phil. 4:8-9 (NIV)

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03/05/2012 12:54

Brian - You are right. Porn is insidious. That means that it never gives up. It continues to take and men end up doing things that they never thought they would (for example, employing prostitutes, like you said). Porn will ALWAYS win. The only thing that stops porn is an abject honest and humble life guided by God's Holy Spirit.

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The Seeking Disciple link

03/07/2012 11:21

I hurt for women caught in-between with men who are committing adultery with their hearts in pornography. I believe it's just a matter of time, given the chance, these same men would commit physical adultery with a real woman. The sexual addiction is a powerful tool of the enemy of our souls and he uses it to trap men. I pray to God that we would learn the value of James 5:16 as men. We need accountability to keep each strong in the Lord and focused on what is pure and holy (Philippians 4:8-9).

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03/07/2012 17:01

SD - Not only are women affected but children are as well. My experience in interviewing men addicted to porn is that they get trapped by porn when they find their dad's stash. We men need to learn and practice the truth of Philippians 4:8-9 and clean our own house (in more ways than one).

I don't know the stats but my experience has taught me that porn leads to physical adultery as you have stated.

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gaveuponhim

09/29/2013 16:50

I am the exwife of a porn addict. I was married to this man 19 years. 17 of which I knew about his addiction. He came to not care how it affected me. He continued aftee it started causing ED. He continued after he lost his job due to looking at it at work. He continued after I divorced him and he lost it all. After two years of divorce I gave him another chance. Again, porn was chosen over the wife and children he loves. Its an addiction. Nothing to do with the wife. She can be most beautiful, prefectly shaped woman in the world, it would not matter. Ladies, please know it is not you. And he will never change until he really wants to and tries he's hardest. I just couldn't take the lies anymore. Now I'm left knowing that I will never have the man I truely love.

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09/30/2013 11:48

gaveuponhim - I'm sorry that your marriage was so difficult. I really like your statement, "Ladies, please know it is not you." Porn not only destroys the user but it tries to destroy those who love the porn user.

If I can be of assistance, don't hesitate to email me at drwayman@ironstrikes.com

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so lost.

10/09/2013 02:11

I just learned about his addiction 7 months ago ,I am so beat up emotionally ,I go from very calm to completely out of control with hate ,humiliations,being scared and staying strong and tuff, I show no hurtful emotions when I argue with him ,I stay strong and face him with all that I have so I don't break down.He has told me he has not looked at any porn , I don't believe him he has lied to me before ,now he says it's different and it not the same ..We have gone through some serious arguments ,he tells me he love me and that he is working on it ..I have no trust in him and I'm living in a world of hate ,resentment Im looking for any kind of reading material to help me understand this ..I'm so lost

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10/09/2013 14:42

so lost - I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you have been experiencing because of the addictions of someone you love. Porn not only destroys the user but it tries to destroy those you love the porn user.

Don't hesitate to contact me privately at drwayman@ironstrikes.com I would like to connect you with resources in your community.

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Again??

10/31/2013 13:31

Here we go again, though this time he has not come clean.
A few months ago it was really bad ( at work ) and we talked but he never seemed very remorseful. I stayed super angry because it had been awhile and I trusted him again.
Well this week it's been twice , and there has been no intimacy in a few months. We talked about that and I said he really needs to make the first move as its always me. And now I have lost all interest as I am so disgusted and wonder does he or is he capable of locing me. He says he does I mean south yards yards yada

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11/01/2013 08:56

Dear Again?? - I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Have you consulted your pastor or a licensed professional counselor who is a Christian? If you tell me your zip code, I can find you some resources. Email me at drwayman@ironstrikes.com

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Ann

11/08/2013 09:33

I read these stories and know you are not alone, the pain is horrible

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11/08/2013 14:50

Ann - Thanks for dropping by Ironstrikes and also thank you for commenting. If we can be of service, drop us a line at drwayman@ironstrikes.com

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In the same boat

11/12/2013 22:57

Today was yet another argument about his pirn usage. We have been married 5 years and I knew about this problem before that. I hoped he would change. It used to involve cyber sex with many different women. It probably still does, he has just become better at hiding it from me. Last summer we almost divorced. We went through counseling, which helped the marriage issues, but obviously didn't help his porn issues. I thought things were better. I quit searching his phone and our home computer constantly. I would only do a quick peek to satisfy my curiosity. To bring me some relief from the fears that still entered my mind. Last December I found a conversation between him and one of his "crushes" from before we were married. He was asking her for friends with benefits status. This was from the summer we were separated and almost divorced. I was devistated. We got through it. I thought things were better. He had become a much better husband, due to the counseling. Counseling saved our marriage. At least it helped temporarily. And today I did a deeper search of his Facebook account. I found searches on his page for various pages of scantily clad women. He admitted it. He also admitted doing it mostly at work. He said that there were worse internet searches there and if it were not for firewall protection there, there would be many more videos than would turn up in the history. I try not to imagine the other email accounts, Facebook accounts, where he participates in more cyber sex, just like before. When things were going so good, I became pregnant with our fourth child. Here I am, 4 weeks away from delivering our fourth child, wondering what to do now. Where to go from here. What will come next. What should I do? Stay and help him try again? Leave and punish him? But I love him. And he has been a better husband since counseling. But has anything really changed? Is there hope for us? For him? Can I live with this pain? Betrayal? Constant fear of it happening again?

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11/13/2013 11:31

In the same boat - I'm sorry that his betrayal has returned. He needs to get into an accountable relationship with another man and a licensed professional christian counselor to be able to conquer his addiction.

Please get support for yourself thru this ordeal and stay close to God as He directs you in the steps that would be best for you, your children and for your husband.

If you need resources, write me at drwayman@ironstrikes.com with your zip code and I'll see what I can do :)

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Chrystine

12/23/2013 00:16

Dear "Boat",
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, especially with a large family to raise. You baby must have been born by now, Congratulations, BTW! I am very concerned that your husband is looking at these things at work. Most employers monitor their employees internet usage and it is just a matter of time before your husband is caught. He will be extremely fortunate if he is only given a warning and not terminated immediately. He is not just jeopardizing the marriage and family which is horrible, he is also jeopardizing his livelihood. He needs profession help ASAP. I would recommend Celebrate Recovery or another sexual addiction group if there is no CR in your area. You should encourage him to see his physician as well. PS - If you leave, you should do so only to have a better life for you and your children and to protect yourself from the possibility of contracting a disease, not to "punish" him. That isn't our job as wives. Best wishes, I hope it works out for you and your young family. Hugs and prayers.

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Here we go again

11/12/2013 23:02

This is perfectly worded for how I feel.

http://www.throughtheflame.org/life-with-a-pornogarphy-addict.php

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11/13/2013 11:28

Here we go again - Thanks for the resource :)

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Author

01/19/2014 08:12

Thank you all for your input. We are still married after a decade of going through this. There are good days and bad. We can go for months without a problem, and then the telltale signs come creeping back. We have had both individual and couple's therapy, but it seems like nothing helps completely. When he backsides now he will quote facts about how w powerful a grip this type of addiction holds over people as a way to prove that the fault is not really his.
Somedays all I want to do is run away. He almost completely lost the ability to be intimate with me... And even though I know it's not because of me, I still struggle with feeling so inadequate. Yesterday he "came clean " again. Even though the signs were there, it still caused such pain to listen to him go from accusing to angry to self loathing. Do I believe that he is truly sorry? I want to, but it is too early this time to be past my own anger and hurt to look at his feelings.
I am just wondering if there is ever any hope? He claims Christianity. I know God is bigger than addictions, but I also know a person has to work on it as well. Right now I just want it to stop.

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01/19/2014 14:01

For those of you who don't know, Author is Anonymous from this original post. Her hell continues...

Anonymous, I'm continuing to pray for you as you ask God about what to do about your marriage. I hope that others who responded to you here will do the same. Please find some good Christian women from your church that you can pour your heart out to and who will pray for you.

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Hurt beyond belief

05/01/2014 13:27

I, too, know you're pain. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice since I am currently fighting this battle with my husband myself. We have only been married three years and he has known from the very beginning that I believe that porn is a form of infidelity and that is unacceptable in our marriage. He swore that he didn't view it and never would because he felt the same. Oh boy, was that a lie. I found it the first time the week I was miscarrying our first child. Not only was I experiencing the pain of losing the baby I had always hoped for but now I felt like I had taken a blow to the stomach by discovering his porn usage. He swore it wasn't his yet it was in his phone. We managed to work past that because he promised he wouldn't do it again. Five months later, and three months pregnant with another, I found more but this time some explicit sex sites were found. He swore they were pop ups. I have continually found it about every three months since. Just when I think we are doing good, I get hit again by the pain and the realization that he isn't going to change. He doesn't see that he has a problem, in fact he lies to the point where he threatens to divorce me each time I don't believe his lies. He promises to change and get help but then I'm thrown right back into this roller coaster ride. Every time he blames me, every time it's my fault for example, I was pregnant and hormonal, I made him mad, I stress him out by asking him to help with our son etc. I feel so degraded and disrespected. My heart can't take much more. I am a good wife and a good mother. I cater to his every need and want. I'm fit and take care of myself yet the women that he keeps viewing are the complete opposite of me and my body type. I have no level of understanding as to why I am not good enough. I know that it's not me but when situations like this arise, I can't help but thing that something is defective within myself. I completely believe that God has a plan for my life and that he will bring me through this. What I'm having a hard time figuring out is whether or not my marriage is salvageable and whether or not that this is where I'm meant to be.

Sorry for parading your post, I have nobody to talk to and no support. I just wanted you to know I feel your pain and that I am terribly sorry you are going through it. It isn't fair and you don't deserve to be treated this way and neither do I.

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05/01/2014 13:56

Dear Hurt Beyond Belief - I'm sorry to hear about your husband's behavior. I hope that he gets help, gets into a good men's group and is honest with his pastor.

Please get support for yourself. Get into a good women's group where you can openly share what you're experiencing. Feel free to write me if you're looking for resources where you live. drwayman@ironstrikes.com

I hope that ironstrikes is a safe place for you. We believe in respecting and honoring women here. Please come by and comment any time.

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