I was tasked with assessing a man regarding his sexual addiction.  

Unfortunately, his tale was all too familiar.  

As he sat across from me telling me that he is now considered a sexual offender and must register with the local police every time he moves, he started to unfold his story.  He told me that he had found his Dad's stash of Playboy and Hustler magazines when he was just eight years old.  

That is a bad sign...  The earlier a man is exposed to porn the greater are his chances that he will become addicted and the greater are his chances of getting into legal trouble.

The more he looked at porn, the more he wanted to look at porn.  (Interesting cycle, don't you think?)  The more he looked at porn, the more he fantasized about doing what he was watching on the porn movies.  

The more he watched porn, the less developed his social skills became.  This happens because porn causes a man to be selfish and just think about his own pleasure.  Friendships are unnecessary.  Girls are unnecessary because the girls in porn movies and magazines are always accessible and there for a man's pleasure.

It's a terrible cycle that entraps a man.  He wants to approach girls but fears rejection.  He wants to do the things he fantasizes about but he fears she will say no.  Finally, his isolation led him to frustration and he decided he would act upon some of his fantasies.  

A really weird thing about men addicted to porn is that they think that women are turned on by seeing male genitalia.  The porn that men watch gives a terribly distorted perspective of sexuality.  In actuality, women are more attracted to an intimate relationship than the male physique.

This man started to act upon his fantasies from the porn that he had been viewing over the years.  

One of his fantasies was that he would "accidentally" leave his zipper down and a woman would notice and become aroused.   He would walk around in grocery stores with his zipper down, fantasizing about his inevitable sexual encounter.  He was disappointed that no women noticed.

So, he developed another plan.  He decided that he would sit in his car close to the exits of stores with his pants open and hope that women would see and become aroused.  That didn't work either.  

So, his next step would be to call women over to his car, "to ask a question" and hope that with his pants open, they would notice, be sexually aroused and want to be with him.   He continued to be very disappointed.

He thought, because of his distorted perspective of women and sexuality, that what women were wanting to see was that he was sexually aroused, that he was erect, ready for sex.  So, he would sit in his car and fantasize about a woman jumping into his car and they would drive to a secluded place for a sexual encounter.  

One morning, while he was sitting in his car masturbating and fantasizing, he rolled his window down and asked a woman to come over because he had a "question" he wanted to ask her.  She approached his car, looked at him and where his hand was and instantly became repulsed.  She noted his license plate and called the police when she got home.  

She made a report to the police and he was arrested and prosecuted.  His prosecution was made public, his family was embarrassed and he lost his job.  

As he finished his story, I asked, "have you gotten rid of your porn?"  I knew his answer would be "no."  I was right.  The court wanted recommendations at the end of my assessment.  My recommendations were necessary:  no cable tv, no vcr/dvd player, no internet, no smart phone, no porn.  If he was caught in possession of any of these items, he would go to prison.  Also, he needed intensive counseling.  If this failed, then he would need residential treatment.

However, when the judge found out that he had not given up his porn, he acted swiftly.  This man immediately went to prison.  

Wouldn't it be nice if all of my stories ended in a positive note?  

This is a depressing, disgusting story.

Porn wins.

"Behold, you have sinned against the LORD and be sure that your sin will find you out."

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

With a title like this there is little room for dilly-dallying along the way to the answer. So without much introduction, here is the tip that could save your marriage: Get a part-time job.

There. That’s it. Husbands, if you want to save or strengthen your marriage, get a part-time job.

I should say right off the bat that I am not talking about a literal job that will pull you away from the home for more hours. Instead I’m arguing for the husband to approach his time at home with his family with the same thoughtful intentionality and engagement that he would if he were to go to work.

Far too many marriages are suffering because the husband comes home mentally, physically and emotionally zapped from his work day. He has done well as the provider for the home and now he is going to come home and collapse into a lazy-boy (aptly named) or in front of a computer or some other process of decompression and relaxation from a tough day at work. This type of thing may be ok occasionally but if practiced regularly it will lead to major problems.

Years ago after starting a new job I came home mentally and emotionally drained several days in a row. Laying on the floor “resting” became my default posture. One day my wife walked over and said, “Hey, we don’t want your left-overs. Don’t give everyone else your best only to serve us left-overs.”

This hit me like a ton of bricks. My wife and family were grateful that I was providing, but they were not content with a mere provider. They wanted a dad and a husband. In other words, there is more to the job of being a husband than just making money. He needs to be thoughtfully, intentionally, and continually engaged in the home.

This is why the illustration of having a second job in the evenings works so well. As husbands we must come home with at least, if not more engagement than we would have at work. Husbands come home to lovingly lead their families. They need to be serving their wives by listening, learning, nourishing, and shepherding them. We can’t do that when we are “recovering” from work or checking out for some much needed “me” time. The job description for a husband entails thoughtful intentionality. We have got to be in the game and doing our job.

It would not be a stretch to say that over 90% of the marital counseling I have done as a pastor involves the husband sleeping at his post in one way or another. He hangs his hat on being the provider while neglecting his role as shepherd-leader of the home. Fixing this will not solve everything but it will drastically improve a lot of things.

So husbands, let me challenge you to come home from work like you are going to work at a job you love in a place you love. Come alongside your wife to talk, listen, and learn her. Play with the kids. Do some chores. Make some jokes. Read the Bible. Pray together. Play a game. Make some dessert. Fix something that broke. Flirt with your wife. Sit and talk. Whatever you do, do it heartily and intentionally like a guy who is there, engaged with his family not escaping from his family.

This post was written by Erik Raymond.  For the original post with comments, go to:  http://www.ordinarypastor.com/?p=11212


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

When I saw this photo of the It'll Do Motel, it reminded me of porn.  This may be a fine hotel but it looks like those seedy hotels where porn ends up taking a man.

There was a man who was a Sunday School teacher and on his church board who struggled with porn.  He would drive out of town, buy porn and then take it back to his garage where he would fantasize and masturbate.  Then, in a fit of guilt, he would burn the porn in a "holy ritual" to get rid of porn's effects.  He felt that he had his "addiction" under control because God revealed to him about how to perform this "holy ritual" so that he could still be a "man of God."  

One nite, however, his "holy ritual" did not seem to remove his guilt.  So, in his fervor, he drove around and ended up at a seedy establishment that promised sexual release.  He went into this one room, by himself, where he was to stick a certain part of his anatomy into a hole in the curtain by the wall to be fellated.  He imagined a young, beautiful woman on the other side and felt quite satisfied.  However, as he was getting dressed, he saw a young man slipping out the side.  He was struck with the thought, "what if that was the person and it really wasn't a young, beautiful woman?"  The man felt totally devastated and decided that he needed to get professional help.  He didn't realize that porn is insidious.

I would say that this man, once deciding to get professional help, did much better for quite a time.  

Where did this man learn about porn?  His story is consistent with most men's stories.  Most men are introduced to porn by finding someone's stash.

He found his father's stash in the garage when he was young boy.  It was "just car magazines" but he found himself attracted to the women who posed with these cars and was turned on by their provocative poses.  As a young man, these magazines started a lifestyle of wasted time, energy and money, not to mention the toll on his spiritual life.

So, as a man, where are you?  Are you looking at porn?  Do you have a stash somewhere?  Porn will win.  It always does.  It is stronger than a man's resolve.

I encourage you to get rid of that stash, find another man to be accountable to, talk to your pastor about your decision to get rid of porn.  Then get into a men's group that talks about the tough things we men go thru and be open, transparent and accountable.   Find a licensed Christian counselor and uncover your motivations so that you can, with God's help, kick porn to the curb.

Stop going to the It'll Do Motel and be a man of God.  Go beyond It'll Do and be victorious.  Don't squeak by, barely making it.  

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

When the parents that I work with first discover that their son or daughter has been viewing pornography, their initial reaction is driven by emotion: they feel confused, ashamed, saddened and often struggle with denial.  They simply don’t want to believe that their little boy could ever possibly want to look at such graphic, sexual content.  As a result, many parents decide to say nothing, sit back and wait for the next shoe to drop.  They pretend that nothing ever happened and write their son’s use of pornography off as a “one time event” or a mistake that they can’t conceive of their child ever doing again.

Unfortunately, due to the highly addictive qualities of pornography, it’s likely that if you discover your child viewing pornographic images once that they’ve probably looked at it before or will look at it soon again.  Parents must understand that their sons are sexual beings, with real, legitimate questions about their bodies and sexuality.  It’s perfectly natural for them to be curious and to have questions and desires about sex as they approach and move through puberty.  If you aren’t engaging with them on these issues and acknowledging that you have a critical role to play in their healthy sexual development, then your son will take his cues from the shows on TV or from the porn they find online. 

When we discover that our kids are struggling with pornography, it’s important to leave our own shame, guilt and anger at the door; how you first engage with your kids on this issue will set the tone for future conversations.  Do you want your child to struggle with a pornography addiction?  If the answer is “no”, then it’s important that you are willing to take steps with them on the path towards sobriety, and despite your impulse to pretend that everything is OK or that your child isn’t struggling, opening dialogue and getting the struggle out in the open is a key step towards healing. 

A lot of parents ask me whether it’s weird or hard to talk about sex addictions, lust and sexual struggles with their children, and I often tell them that, yes, talking about these issues with their kids isn’t going to be easy.  But with time, the conversations will become easier and easier; the biggest hurdle is to keep the conversation going, but once you do, you’ll often find that your kids are eager for advice and help—especially if you are able to keep from blaming and shaming your child.

I was recently talking with a thirteen-year-old boy who had this to share:

“My mom and dad walked in on me last year masturbating to porn.  I thought my life was going to be over.  I’ve never been so embarrassed and upset in my life.  That night, they didn’t say anything, and at first, I was really hoping that they would never say anything.   I asked God to help me and promised Him that I would never look at it again as long as I didn’t have to talk to my parents about it.  Then, the next day, my parents sat me down, and I knew what was coming.  They were actually really nice about it.  They said they were sorry for not using filters on the computer and for leaving me to figure things out on my own.  They also said that they were really sorry that I had to see those images and they started to talk about how porn can actually be pretty bad and lead to other problems.  After that first talk, my dad set up a time for us to have breakfast together before school, one morning a week.  He didn’t always ask me about porn and we didn’t always talk about sex, but sometimes he did.  He asked me how I was doing and how I was struggling, and he shared about what was hard for him growing up and some of what was hard for him now.  I really looked forward to those conversations.  My dad helped me learn about being pure and he told me what sex was really about.  If I’m having a hard time, I know I can talk to him and he can help me figure it out.  Now, I actually thank God that my parents talked to me about looking at porn.”

If you need help in getting the conversation going, I would strongly encourage you to check out our resources, like “The Talk” and our guidebooks on pornography and kids.  Also remember, prevention is the best approach--so, no matter the age of your child, consider installing a filter and parental controls on ALL of your Internet-enabled devices (like our X3watchPRO orSafeEyes)

This post was written by Cris Logan.  You can find the original post here:  http://www.xxxchurch.com/parents/sobriety-is-keeping-the-conversation-going.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

It was kind of a surreal experience....   We had just arrived at our mission in Quito and here I was less than 48 hours later standing at the graveside of a man I didn't know and hadn't even met.

I watched as the gravedigger dug the grave by hand.  He would occasionally stop and put his chin on top of the shovel and seem interested in what was going on as he rested.  There was hardly anybody there.  Just the man's wife, a couple of other people, the pastor, myself and the Ecuadorian gravedigger.  Being one of the few English speaking churches in town, the widow called the pastor with whom I served on staff and asked that he do the funeral.   I was there as support.  

The story of this man's life ended sadly.  He was a very successful American businessman who had visited Ecuador frequently and ended up buying some lucrative property in Quito so that he could retire.  He had quite a nest egg.  His goal in life was to retire with his wife at this property in Quito and live a life of ease and luxury.  

What was interesting was that this man and his wife arrived in Quito about the same time my wife and I had arrived.  We may have even been on the same airplane.  What he hadn't considered, as he grew older, was that his health wasn't as good as it had been in the past.  Quito has an elevation of over 9,000 feet (btw - Denver has an elevation of just over 5,000 feet) above sea level.  People who visit Quito often come done with Soroche (altitude sickness).  The symptoms are very similar to carbon monoxide poisoning.  The stress of the Soroche that he was experiencing taxed his body and his heart stopped working.  

So, here we have a man who saved his whole life, gathered quite a bit of money and bought some nice property in Quito so that he could retire, and within 48 hours of achieving his goal, he died.  From what his wife described, it also appeared that he died without knowing Jesus as his Savior.  

Jesus talked about this.  He said, "Now what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your soul?"  

Jesus, who taught a parable about a man who amassed fortune and trusted in himself, said, "You fool!  You will die this very night.  Then who will get everything you worked for?"

Having a goal is not bad in and of itself.  However, if your goal excludes God and is just to please yourself, know that you may never reach it.  If you do, it won't last forever.  

Everyone dies.

Then there is reward or payment.

Yet, if you have a goal and it includes God and pleasing Him, you WILL reach it. 
 
"Don't store up treasure on earth..."  

Make heaven your goal.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN

“Walk in the Spirit.” In the original language, Paul’s phrase literally means, “walk as you have been walking in the Spirit.” How had the Galatians been walking in the Spirit? In Galatians 5:5 he says, “For through the Spirit, by faith, we ourselves eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness.” Keeping in step with the Spirit, therefore, first has something to do with hope. 

During anti-porn week, we identified from secular research what viewing porn does to a person.  

This week presents practical advice of how to stay away from the influence of porn.

The gospel Paul declared is a message of anticipation and expectation, what Paul calls the “hope of righteousness.” Our great hope is that one day Christ will judge the world (Acts 17:31). He will destroy sin and death forever. He will recreate the world, and we will be just like Him (1 Cor. 15:51-55). This is our astounding hope. 

For Paul, faith in the gospel does not merely mean we assent to these grand promises but that we give ourselves wholly to them: we center our lives on them. Far from being a passive thing, faith is active. It engages the mind and the heart. As the author of Hebrews says, faith is the assurance and essence of things hoped for (Heb. 11:1): it is the delightful conviction that the things we hope for are real. 

Walking in the Spirit means we stir up this hope in us, or as Paul says, we “eagerly wait” for it (Gal. 5:5). We all have hope, but it is not a perfect hope. We all suffer from the distractions of the world and sin. It is for this reason the apostle Peter urges us: “set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Pet. 1:13, italics added). 

Practically speaking, this means just as we have fed our minds on pornography, we should now feed our minds on eternity. Just as we have spent hours engrossed in sexual media, we should spend time filling our imaginations with the eternal promises of God. We must, as Paul says, set our minds on the things of the Spirit (Rom. 8:5), on the glories of our inheritance as God’s children (v.17). 

It is amazing how this renewed hope combats the mind-warping impact of pornography. When our imaginations are filled with anticipation of the coming kingdom of God, we become more and more determined to taste this future hope in the here and now. The apostle John reminds us that though we are now children of God, “what we will be has not yet appeared,” but we know when Christ appears we will be like him, because we shall see Him face to face (1 John 3:2). He follows this glorious promise with the practical application: “Everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure” (1 John 3:3). Knowing we are destined for an eternity of breathtaking purity and holiness, we purify ourselves here and now because we want to have a taste of this future hope. 

As intense as pornography is, it cannot compare to the life-sustaining hope we have in Christ.  Far from shutting down our desires in what we never dreamed of, C.S. Lewis reminds us:

" Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased....Do you think I am trying to weave a spell? Perhaps I am; but remember your fairy tales. Spells are used for breaking enchantments as well as for inducing them. And you and I have need of the strongest spell that can be found to wake us from the evil enchantment of worldliness."

Tomorrow, we talk about the power of God's Word.

This post is taken from the booklet, YOUR BRAIN ON PORN by Luke Gilkerson.  The booklet can be found at:  http://www.covenanteyes.com/brain-ebook/


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

For those who have been entrenched in pornography, how do we reverse these mind-warping effects? How do we renew our minds (Rom. 12:1-2)? 

During anti-porn week, we identified from secular research what viewing porn does to a person.  

This week presents practical advice of how to stay away from the influence of porn.

The Bible does not describe us merely as wayward, broken, and needing a “moral boost” but as those who are dead in sin (Eph. 2:1). Dead men and women do not need reform: they need resurrection. 

For the follower of Christ, the ultimate goal is not merely “quitting pornography,” but is something far richer and more comprehensive. If merely modifying behavior was the most important thing, there are any number of psychological tips and tricks one can use. But for the Christian, as it should be for all people, the goal is not merely recovering from pornography, but being remade by God Himself into the image of the perfect Man, Jesus Christ. 

This is the work of the Holy Spirit. 

Just as sure as pornography stirs up lustful cravings in us, the Holy Spirit is a source of new, holy cravings. Romans 8 tells us all true Christians have the Spirit of Christ within them (v.9). Galatians 5 says we are given the “desires of the Spirit” (v.17), and when we keep in step with these desires (v.16) the lusts of the flesh (leading to sexual immorality, impurity, and sensuality) will not have their way in us. 

This is what the old Scottish minister Thomas Chalmers called “the expulsive power of a new affection.” Laws, rules, and regulations can only tell us what is bad and why it is bad, but they do not change our desire for sinful things. These sinful longings can only be conquered by implanting new “affections,” new cravings, that counter our sinful cravings. This is what the Spirit does in us: He shares His own desires with us, changing us from the inside out. 

Paul tells us we must “keep in step” with the desires of the Spirit with us (Galatians 5:16). 

How do we do this?   Come back tomorrow for hope.

This post is taken from the booklet, YOUR BRAIN ON PORN by Luke Gilkerson.  The booklet can be found at:  http://www.covenanteyes.com/brain-ebook/


BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

Dreams are odd.  In dreams we can fly, shape shift, transmogrify, meet people that we admire and also be turned on sexually.   There is also a psychological technique called "lucid dreaming" where one learns the techniques to manipulate dreams.

Men, when they are teens, experience "wet dreams" that are usually intensely sexual.  So, men have a history from early in their lives of connecting dreams to sexual arousal.  Many of the men that I counsel tell me that their dreams often trigger their sexual acting out.  

How does one handle sexual dreams?  Often they are not under our conscious control.  So, are we responsible for our dreams?  Are we responsible for our acting out sexually when aroused by a dream?  How does one stay pure, even while sleeping?

You are VERY responsible if you practice lucid dreaming.  If you purposely manipulate your dreams, then you will be accountable for such.  

However, there are things that one can do to try and keep one's dreams from turning too sexual:

1.  Pay attention to what you think about while you are falling asleep.  
2.  Memorize scripture that you can repeat in your mind while falling asleep.  Philippians 4:8 is a scripture that is made for just such an occasion.  Proverbs 4:23 and Malachi 2:15  are excellent as well.
3.  Pray while you are falling asleep.  This is a great time to talk to God.
4.  In your prayer, ask God to protect your mind while you sleep.  God can do that, if you learn to count on His faithfulness.
5.  Pay attention to what you watch on TV, in the theatre and on the internet, especially right before you go to sleep.  You may have to take the TV out of your bedroom.  Dreams often are an amalgamation of our daily experiences. 
6.  If you work with a professional counselor, you can dissect your dreams to help understand them a little bit.  Even though a dream may be sexual, the core of the dream may also be something that y0u need to confront in yourself.

If you wake up sexually aroused from a dream, what can you do to prevent acting out?

1.  Urinate.  Many times an erection is simply the result of a full bladder.
2.  Read something non-sexual.  Opening God's Word and talking to God about what you are physically feeling is way of strengthening your relationship with HIm and beating temptation.
3.  Call a member of your accountability group.
4.  Take a cold shower.
5.  Stay away from TV and the Internet while you are aroused.
6.  Do not recreate the dream in your mind.  Distract yourself by thinking in a pure manner.

So, even though your dreams are often not under your conscious control, you can control what you watch and think throughout the day.  God is faithful.  If you ask Him for His assistance in this area, He will help.  Also, arousal does not mean that you have to do something sexual.  You can choose to act out or you can choose not to act out.

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.

The Bible calls the devil, among other names, a tempter (Matt. 4:3; 1 Thess. 3:5), someone who leads people astray (Rev. 12:9). When he comes to tempt, he then seeks to accuse (Rev. 12:10). I've noticed that when I'm tempted to sin, whether in thought, word, or deed, I feel bad for being tempted, as though temptation itself is a sin, which we know it is not. But when I'm tempted to sin I also feel accused of being a sinner.  

Now, I already know that I'm a sinner, a sinner saved by grace through faith in Christ. So, feeling the accusation of being a sinner should not trip me up spiritually, but it often has. In that moment of temptation -- before the act of sin is actually committed -- I feel bad for being tempted. Because of feeling bad for being tempted to sin I then do not pray to the Lord for help. Let me explain how wrong that is. 

First, temptation is not a sin. Even Jesus was "tempted" (or "tested") and He did not sin (Heb. 4:15). So, merely being tempted to sin is not sinning, and therefore we need not feel bad for being tempted. Second, when we're tempted to sin, that is the exact moment when we should run to Christ for help, not shy away from Him because we feel bad for being tempted to sin (Heb. 4:16). 

Finally, the Lord already knows that we're privy to being tempted to sin: "For he knows how we were made; he remembers that we are dust" (Ps. 103:14). Remember that the Lord God is "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love" (Ps. 103:8). "For the lowliest may be pardoned in mercy, but the mighty will be mightily tested" (Wisdom of Solomon 6:6).

Often enough I have felt so ugly inwardly when being tempted to sin that two different results have manifested: 1) I ended up sinning anyway, feeling that the temptation to sin is near about the same as committing the sin itself; and 2) neglecting to pray because I don't feel "worthy enough" to pray. 

As for the first error, temptation is not a sin; so even when we're tempted to sin, we can still shun the temptation by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit and not sin. No testing or time of temptation has "overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Cor. 10:13). 

God, indeed, provides us with a way out. But too often we willfully neglect to take that way out. Why? Because we want to sin. Let's just tell it like it is: we sometimes want to sin. We want to tell that person what we think. We want to objectify that person and lust. We want that money, so we'll do whatever it takes to get it. We want others to think of us in a certain way, so we'll lie in order to protect our inathenticity.  

As for the second error, prayer is not a sign of personal holiness. We don't praybecause we're holy. Such an erroneous attitude leads to self-righteousness. When we don't feel like praying, that is the moment when we need to pray all the more! "For we walk by faith and not by sight [nor by our feelings]" (2 Cor. 5:7).

Neither do we pray so that we will become holy. Prayer is communication, not a practice for self-congratulation or a means to actual, personal holiness. We pray to the only worthy One who can help us in time of need. We pray to the only truly holy One.  

I've challenged myself lately to pray to the Lord when I feel bad or ugly or dirty inwardly. What I've found is that I usually avoid thinking or acting out sinfully what I was being tempted to do or say or think.

In the very moment when I'm most vulnerable, even when I feel distant from the Lord and unworthy of His presence in prayer because of the temptation, that is when I need to run to and trust in and pray to the Lord the most.    

This honest post was written by William Birch.  The original post with comments can be found at:      
http://www.wpfences.com/2012/07/tempted-to-sin.html

BE HOLY.
BE A MAN.