Search this site
IRONSTRIKES
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Beliefs
  • Formation
  • For Women
  • Meetings & Events

A wife's response to her husband's porn addiction

12/17/2015

0 Comments

 
Picture
For over a year now, I avoided writing this post. I felt this nudge telling me to write it, and I ignored it. If I’m being honest, I’d rather be doing a million other things than this. But here I am, sitting in front of my computer about to share some information I believe someone needs to hear.

Let me explain. (Because let’s be real, my husband is the gifted writer in our family. No worries, I’m not trying to take over.) Here’s the most recent statistics according to Covenant Eyes:

55% of married men say they watch porn at least once a month, compared to 70% of not married men.
63% of adult men have looked at pornography at least on time while at work in the past 3 months; 38% have done so more than once.
64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women view pornography at least once a month (compared to 65% of non-Christian men and 30% of non-Christian women).
37% of pastors said viewing pornography was a “current struggle.”
75% of pastors said they do not make themselves accountable to anyone for their Internet use.
79% of 18-30-year-old, 67% of 31-49-year-old, and 49% of 50-68-year-old men say the view pornography at least once a month.
76% of 18-30-year-old, 16% of 31-49-year-old, and 4% of 50-68-year-old women say the view pornography at least once a month.

Over a year ago, my husband blogged about overcoming his addiction to pornography. I knew the statistics. It wasn’t easy for us to share our struggle, but I knew the information would benefit someone. What I never considered was the response I, the spouse, received from that post.

There’s another side to the pornography epidemic no one talks about.

When I discovered pornography on my husband’s computer, I had NO CLUE what to do. Along with every insecurity you can imagine, I felt totally unequipped to respond. Please understand, I don’t write this claiming to have all the answers, nor do I claim to have handled everything the right way. I’m just a wife who walked the road millions are walking.

I don’t have 5 easy steps to heal your relationship. I don’t have one revelation that will make this go away. I only have insight into some ways to respond when you realize your spouse is addicted to pornography.

1.) SEEK GOD.
Psalm 121 says, “I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.”
If you skip this essential truth, there is no foundation for healing in your marriage. It’s easy to keep your eyes fixed on the hurt, the pain, and the brokenness. Keep your eyes fixed on the Healer if you want to walk down the road to healing.

2.) GET A GRIP ON THIS STATEMENT: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
If I were thinner. If I were more attractive. If I would have been a better wife. If I would have lost that baby weight faster. I probably deserve this because...

Satan LOVES to fill your head with insecurities. Seriously, he delights, not only in destroying your marriage, but destroying you as well. Your spouse’s struggle is NOT because of you and honestly, it’s not about you. Any book you read, any counselor you go to will confirm this. Don’t multiply Satan’s attempt to destroy your family with pornography by allowing untrue insecurities to consume you.

3.) EVEN WHEN YOU ARE HURTING, RESPOND IN LOVE.
This is an emotional time for your family. It’s painful beyond imagination. And you’ve heard the saying: The people we love the most are the people we hurt the most. The saying is true. If your spouse is addicted to pornography, the most important you will ask is, “How will I respond?”

Consider the radical teachings of Jesus. When He came, He gave us this new way to respond to people who hurt us—even the people we love the most and the people who hurt us the most. When I found pornography on my husband’s computer, the love that Luke 6 talks about was NOT how my flesh wanted to respond. When I finally responded with the love of Jesus, the journey to healing and restoration began.

If you’re wondering if you’re responding to your spouse with love, here’s a good litmus test in Scripture.

1 Corinthians 13 shows you how LOVE responds: with patience and kindness, not envy or pride, not arrogance or rudeness, not insisting on your own way, not irritable or resentful (OUCH!), not rejoicing in wrongdoing, but rejoicing with the truth.

4.) BE THE HELPMATE YOU VOWED TO BE.
Be careful about how you respond to your spouse. The first time I discovered pornography, I immediately forgave my husband and thought ok we’ve moved past this. It’s not in the dark anymore. I’m good with him. He was very repentant. Life was moving on.

I was wrong. What I failed to do was walk with my husband through the healing process. When he confessed to having fallen back into the trap, I thought my life and our marriage was crumbling.

If your spouse is addicted to pornography, they will not be able to quit cold turkey.

Just like all other things in life, external actions can’t be removed without internal replacements. Your spouse needs help discovering the void leading to this addiction.
In being a helpmate, be willing to take extreme measures to help your spouse overcome this addiction. For our family, that meant me locking all the electronic devices in a safe deposit box, paying for an accountability service on our phones and computers, and going to counseling with my husband. It may mean something different for your family, but be willing to be supportive.

Disclaimer: I don’t believe that being a helpmate is being a nagging wife. Proverbs 27:15 says, “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike.”

Remember that through marriage, you are fulfilling a vow to God to work TOGETHER while on this earth for the good of the kingdom. Don’t get caught up trying to change your spouse for your benefit. The road to your spouse’s freedom will look a lot different if you see it through the lens of Jesus.

5.) FORGIVE. FORGIVE. FORGIVE.
Forgiveness is hard. It’s especially hard when you’re hurting and when someone has offended you in such a personal way. It’s hard when Satan is telling you it’s okay to hate your spouse.
Satan will fill your head with lies giving you a million reasons your spouse doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Don’t listen. There is so much freedom in forgiveness. You can’t control your spouse’s actions. You CAN control your heart. You can make the choice to forgive.
When (yes, it’ll probably happen) your spouse slips and falls, make the choice to stand ready to forgive and help them move forward. If you ask any spouse struggling with pornography, I bet they would tell you they are more likely to be honest in the future if you choose forgiveness and support over anger and separation.

6.) DON’T LET YOUR SPOUSE’S ADDICTION CONSUME YOU.
Through hearing from different women, I realized some women don’t want to move on.
Some want to make sure their husbands feel the hurt they have felt by constantly reminding them of the pain. Some want to believe it is okay to dwell on the negative emotions they feel. Some want to tell everyone how awful their spouse is (including their spouse). Some want to read every book/article/blog they can get their hands on because it’s easier not to forgive if you continue to relive the pain.

I hope those statements aren’t read as insensitive. Trust me, I understand the hurt. I have dealt with the pain. It’s undeniably there. But you cannot let your spouse’s addiction consume you with lies from the enemy. Feelings of anger, frustration, and hopelessness are understandable. When you choose to dwell on these emotions, Satan wins.

The less you dwell on your spouse’s addiction, the less power it has over you. The more time you spend noticing things you are thankful for in your spouse, the more joy you will find.

I write all of these things from my experiences. Everyone’s situation is different. My husband was immediately repentant and felt he was in bondage due to this hidden addiction. He wanted to be healed. Many of you do not have that. I can only speak from where I walked, but I can pray for each of you!
​

God is SO FAITHFUL! Don’t give up! I remember many moments of hopelessness, thinking we would never overcome this. Years removed, I can look back and see the ways God used something so painful to restore our marriage to something beautiful to reflect His faithfulness.
The journey won’t be easy. Find someone you trust to help you walk this journey. You’d be surprised how many others are traveling on the same road. Talk with God continuously. His faithfulness stands the test of time. He will walk with you through the most painful of times and show you hope when your eyes can’t see the light.

This post was written by Tiffani Powell.  You can find this post on her husband's blog at:  
http://frankpowell.me/wife-responds-husband-porn-addiction


0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Rules for commenting:

    1.  Be respectful  
    2.  Refer to rule #1

    All comments may not be approved.

    Note that many identifying details about individuals in these posts are not accurate.  Their identity is protected, except for those individuals who are being honored or are public figures.

    RSS Feed

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    Categories

    All
    Abortion
    Abraham
    Abstinence
    Abuse
    Accountability
    Adam
    Adam Yauch
    Addictions
    Admiration
    Adultery
    Affair
    Amos
    Angels
    Anger
    Anniversary
    Anoint
    Anonymous
    Anxiety
    Atheism
    Avoidant
    Bad Boy
    Battle
    Beastie Boys
    Beautiful
    Bestiality
    Betrayal
    Bird
    Blame
    Bobby Petrino
    Bondage
    Book Review
    Brian Head Welch
    Brothel
    B.T. Roberts
    Camping
    Cancer
    Challenge
    Change
    Chaotic
    Character
    Children
    Choice
    Christmas
    Church
    Church Camp
    Closed Door
    Compulsions
    Confession
    Confident
    Control
    Courage
    Covenant
    Creator
    Crown
    Crucifixion
    Darkness
    Death
    Deception
    Decision
    Demons
    Depression
    Detachment
    Devotions
    Dez Bryant
    Differences
    Dilemma
    Dirty
    Discipleship
    Disgusting
    Divorce
    Domestic Violence
    Domination
    Doubt
    Dreams
    Dr Hart8bb80a7b00
    Dwayne Allen
    Dysfunction
    Easter
    Eden
    Ego
    Eleazar
    Elitism
    Empty
    Envy
    Ephesians
    Equality
    Erectile Dysfunction
    Esau
    Eternity
    Euthanasia
    Evil
    Exhibitionism
    Eyes
    Facebook
    Faithfulness
    Fantasy
    Fasting
    Father
    Favorites
    Fear
    Fellatio
    Fighting
    Fishing
    Flashing
    Flattery
    Flesh
    Force
    Forgiveness
    Gentleman
    Girls Gone Wild
    G.K. Chesteron
    Goals
    God
    Good Friday
    Grace
    Gratitude
    Greek
    Guard
    Guilt
    Heart
    Heaven
    Hebrew
    Hell
    Henri Nouwen
    Histrionic
    Hogging
    Holiness
    Hollow
    Honesty
    Honor
    Hope
    Humility
    Humor
    Ichabod
    Idols
    Impurity
    Individuality
    Input
    Insane Clown Posse
    Integrity
    Intent
    Intimacy
    Isaac
    Islam
    Jack Schaap
    Jamaica
    Jealousy
    Jimmy Needham
    Job
    Joy
    J.R.R. Tolkien
    Judgmentalism
    Justice
    Kindness
    King David
    Kittens
    Komboloib7e292a311
    Korn
    Larry Norman
    Leave It To Beaver
    Lies
    Light
    Listening
    Loneliness
    Love
    Lust
    Lying
    Macho
    Manners
    Marriage
    Masculinity
    Masturbation
    Maturity
    Mca
    Meditation
    Messianic
    Meticulous
    Mighty
    Missions
    Money
    Monogamy
    Moses
    Motivations
    Movies
    Music
    Normal
    Obedience
    Obscenity
    Open Door
    Parenting
    Passiveaggressive2ed940c88b
    Pastor
    Path
    Perfection
    Personality Disorders
    P.O.D.
    Politics
    Pornography
    Pornograpy
    Power
    Practical
    Prayer
    Predator
    Prejudice
    Premature Ejaculaton
    Preparation
    Pride
    Problems
    Promises
    Protection
    Providence
    Purity
    Quechua
    Quiz
    Racism
    Regret
    Religious
    Repentance
    Reputation
    Research
    Respect
    Responsibility
    Rest
    Resurrection
    Revival
    Righteousness
    Robots
    Roughhousing
    Routine
    Rules
    Rut
    Sabbath
    Sacrifice
    Sadism
    Salvation
    Sanctification
    Satisfaction
    Selfishness
    Self Love
    Self-love
    Service
    Sex
    Sexism
    Sexuality
    Sexual Response
    Sexual Response
    Shame
    Sin
    Singing
    Snobbery
    Soldier
    Sovereignty
    Stalking
    Stephen Hawking
    Step-parenting
    Strong
    Success
    Succubus
    Suicide
    Swearing
    Sword
    Teenagers
    Temper
    Temptation
    Tenth Ave North
    Testing
    Theology
    Thinking
    Thomas Cogswell Upham
    Tim Tebow
    Tournament Male
    Tradition
    Trafficking
    Trapped
    Trauma
    Triggers
    Trust
    Truth
    U2
    Uncle Buddy
    Unity
    Violence
    Virtue
    Vulnerability
    Warrior
    Watchman Nee
    Waywardness
    What Is A Man
    Women
    Worry
    Worship
    Wussification
    Year In Review
    Zombies

    Archives

    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012

IRONSTRIKES

Men Forging Men