Search this site
IRONSTRIKES
  • Home
  • Blog
  • Beliefs
  • Formation
  • For Women
  • Meetings & Events

Let's Just Agree!

6/12/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
It was 2008 when my husband, Paul, and I went to Uganda for our first mission trip. I was energized in a way that I hadn't experienced in years, loving everything about the rural village that served as our base of operations. As I walked the lush footpaths with the laughing children, I felt God's presence in a profound way. I was so moved by the experience that as we gathered with the villagers on the last day of our trip, I publicly promised that we would be returning the following year — and every year thereafter.

Unfortunately, Paul's experience was vastly different from mine. As a family physician, he had been asked to serve in a one-room roadside "clinic" with no other doctors, no electricity, no running water and no medical supplies other than what he had brought in his suitcase. What he did have in abundance was an endless number of patients — many of whom had walked for miles to seek help — with long lists of symptoms and serious medical problems. Paul would work late into the night using a flashlight and then get up the next day and do it again. He felt like he was confronting a forest fire with a squirt gun.

My husband likes infrastructure, supplies, order and predictability. I am an aging hippie who never met an adventure she didn't like. Let's just say that Paul didn't appreciate that I committed us to returning to Uganda for the next several years. Indeed, he was pretty upset with me (and rightfully so).

When Paul and I got home and were finally able to unpack what had happened on the trip, it became clear that we had both a solvable problem and what felt like an unsolvable problem.
The solvable problem was straightforward because I had clearly violated a basic ground rule in our marriage by making such a major decision without talking it over with him first. I offered my profound apology and was forgiven, and that was that.

The other problem was far more complex. I had fallen head over heels in love with Uganda and couldn't wait to return. Paul had spent two of the most miserable weeks of his life feeling ineffectual and frustrated. He had a less-than-zero desire to return to Uganda. We both had strong feelings about our positions. What on earth were we going to do? For 33 years, we had run our marriage on the conviction that there would always be a win-win solution to a disagreement if we worked hard enough to find it. But here we were in a situation where each of us felt equally passionate about our need to return, or not return, to Uganda.

The reality of perpetual disagreements in marriage

In my practice as a marriage and family therapist, I have encountered many couples with disagreements, both trivial and profound, that they simply could not resolve. Examples of their conflicts include:
  • He feels that their children should be home-schooled, but she embraces public education.
  • She wants to spend every Thanksgiving with her extended family, but he finds their conversations loud and boring.
  • If some unexpected money comes their way, he wants to spend it, while she wants to save it.
  • She likes music in church played by a worship band, but he wants to sing from a hymnal, accompanied by a pipe organ.
Dr. John Gottman, a well-respected researcher on the dynamics of marriage, has estimated that nearly 70 percent of all marital conflicts are what he calls "perpetual" and essentially unresolvable. Why is that? Because the two individuals who pledged to become one are actually different people with different temperaments, family backgrounds, life experiences, opinions, likes and dislikes. As a result, when you marry, you are choosing a particular set of perpetual disagreements with your spouse. If you had married someone else, you would have chosen a different set of perpetual disagreements. Unresolvable conflicts are inherent in all relationships, so if a husband and wife appear to agree on everything, it is likely that one has dominated the other to the point that he or she is afraid to speak up (or has forgotten how).

The bad news about perpetual disagreements

If perpetual disagreements are not handled well, they can turn into marriage-killing deadlocks that resurface on a regular basis, causing more emotional distancing with each return.

Here's what the cycle tends to look like:

Couples have the same argument repeatedly — with no resolution. The words exchanged follow a well-worn track driven by personalities and previous patterns of arguing. More time and energy are spent attacking each other than actually exploring the issue.

There is no capacity for empathy or affection while discussing the issue. Rather than making progress toward a possible solution, husband and wife are pushed further apart emotionally.

The argument stumbles to an end, either because there's no more time, one person concedes, or a door slams and someone opts for retreat. In any case, the issue is left unresolved and spouses feel unfairly treated and misunderstood.

Compromise now seems out of the question because couples feel like they have to give up something important or abandon a core value. The argument has gone too far for either husband or wife to give in while retaining any self-respect.

This cycle eventually creates injuries that eclipse the original subject of the argument. After a while, only the pain of the wounding — feeling unloved and unheard by the other person — is remembered.

The good news about perpetual disagreements

But perpetual disagreements don't have to derail your marriage. Most unsolvable problems won't harm your relationship if you and your spouse have an adequate set of communication skills and follow a few basic principles.

Consider the following:

Remember that the vast majority of marital disagreements involve differences of opinion rather than do-or-die moral issues. It is quite all right to agree to disagree on these.

Don't try to argue your spouse into changing how he or she feels. If your wife likes the color green, there is nothing to be gained by trying to convince her that blue is better. If your husband hates opera, you'll probably never get him to appreciate it. What you can do, however, is encourage some thoughtful conversations in which you unpack your own feelings about an issue on which the two of you disagree. This might lead to a shift in your spouse's opinion, but more importantly, these conversations are the stuff of which real intimacy is made.

Listen and acknowledge each other's viewpoint — it's far more important than winning the argument. You can each have passionate opinions regarding something you disagree about, but you'll need to express them in a way that your spouse feels heard, respected and even admired. This form of communication requires that you listen to the other person's ideas, ask questions, clarify what you don't understand, avoid interrupting and banish snarky comments from your conversation.

Seek to understand what the disagreement with your spouse is really about. Active listening has a way of uncovering the history and emotions that may be impacting your spouse's viewpoint — and yours. Nearly every important perpetual disagreement has at least one underlying theme: security versus risk, order versus clutter, strict versus permissive parenting, saving versus spending, how one family did things versus how the other did them, etc. Doing the work to unearth these themes can profoundly impact the health of your marriage.

Commit to praying both as individuals and as a couple. Dealing with perpetual conflict often requires wisdom and tact beyond our limited human capabilities. Submitting these issues to God in prayer is the beginning of wisdom and the foundation of marital harmony.

Look for creative ways to find a compromise and honor your spouse's position. For example, you could take the type of vacation one person likes one year and then switch for the next year. You could spend Christmas with one set of relatives this year and the other set next year. If one of you is messy and the other is easily agitated by disorder, both of you could demonstrate love, honor and generosity by moving in the other's direction.

Speaking of compromise, it played a major role in the way Paul and I ultimately dealt with the issue of returning to Uganda. After a number of conversations in which we acknowledged and validated the other's feelings about the trip, Paul was willing to consider going again if he would not be obligated to see patients in the clinic. We came up with another project that we could do together: teaching marriage conferences with a goal of helping to stabilize families. Paul prayed about this and received clear confirmation from God regarding our ministry in Uganda. So we returned — together — and thus began several great adventures.

Teri Reisser of Focus on the Family is a marriage and family therapist and the co-author of  Your Spouse Isn't the Person You Married.  You can find the original post here:  www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/when-you-and-your-spouse-cant-agree



0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Rules for commenting:

    1.  Be respectful  
    2.  Refer to rule #1

    All comments may not be approved.

    Note that many identifying details about individuals in these posts are not accurate.  Their identity is protected, except for those individuals who are being honored or are public figures.

    RSS Feed

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

    Categories

    All
    Abortion
    Abraham
    Abstinence
    Abuse
    Accountability
    Adam
    Adam Yauch
    Addictions
    Admiration
    Adultery
    Affair
    Amos
    Angels
    Anger
    Anniversary
    Anoint
    Anonymous
    Anxiety
    Atheism
    Avoidant
    Bad Boy
    Battle
    Beastie Boys
    Beautiful
    Bestiality
    Betrayal
    Bird
    Blame
    Bobby Petrino
    Bondage
    Book Review
    Brian Head Welch
    Brothel
    B.T. Roberts
    Camping
    Cancer
    Challenge
    Change
    Chaotic
    Character
    Children
    Choice
    Christmas
    Church
    Church Camp
    Closed Door
    Compulsions
    Confession
    Confident
    Control
    Courage
    Covenant
    Creator
    Crown
    Crucifixion
    Darkness
    Death
    Deception
    Decision
    Demons
    Depression
    Detachment
    Devotions
    Dez Bryant
    Differences
    Dilemma
    Dirty
    Discipleship
    Disgusting
    Divorce
    Domestic Violence
    Domination
    Doubt
    Dreams
    Dr Hart8bb80a7b00
    Dwayne Allen
    Dysfunction
    Easter
    Eden
    Ego
    Eleazar
    Elitism
    Empty
    Envy
    Ephesians
    Equality
    Erectile Dysfunction
    Esau
    Eternity
    Euthanasia
    Evil
    Exhibitionism
    Eyes
    Facebook
    Faithfulness
    Fantasy
    Fasting
    Father
    Favorites
    Fear
    Fellatio
    Fighting
    Fishing
    Flashing
    Flattery
    Flesh
    Force
    Forgiveness
    Gentleman
    Girls Gone Wild
    G.K. Chesteron
    Goals
    God
    Good Friday
    Grace
    Gratitude
    Greek
    Guard
    Guilt
    Heart
    Heaven
    Hebrew
    Hell
    Henri Nouwen
    Histrionic
    Hogging
    Holiness
    Hollow
    Honesty
    Honor
    Hope
    Humility
    Humor
    Ichabod
    Idols
    Impurity
    Individuality
    Input
    Insane Clown Posse
    Integrity
    Intent
    Intimacy
    Isaac
    Islam
    Jack Schaap
    Jamaica
    Jealousy
    Jimmy Needham
    Job
    Joy
    J.R.R. Tolkien
    Judgmentalism
    Justice
    Kindness
    King David
    Kittens
    Komboloib7e292a311
    Korn
    Larry Norman
    Leave It To Beaver
    Lies
    Light
    Listening
    Loneliness
    Love
    Lust
    Lying
    Macho
    Manners
    Marriage
    Masculinity
    Masturbation
    Maturity
    Mca
    Meditation
    Messianic
    Meticulous
    Mighty
    Missions
    Money
    Monogamy
    Moses
    Motivations
    Movies
    Music
    Normal
    Obedience
    Obscenity
    Open Door
    Parenting
    Passiveaggressive2ed940c88b
    Pastor
    Path
    Perfection
    Personality Disorders
    P.O.D.
    Politics
    Pornography
    Pornograpy
    Power
    Practical
    Prayer
    Predator
    Prejudice
    Premature Ejaculaton
    Preparation
    Pride
    Problems
    Promises
    Protection
    Providence
    Purity
    Quechua
    Quiz
    Racism
    Regret
    Religious
    Repentance
    Reputation
    Research
    Respect
    Responsibility
    Rest
    Resurrection
    Revival
    Righteousness
    Robots
    Roughhousing
    Routine
    Rules
    Rut
    Sabbath
    Sacrifice
    Sadism
    Salvation
    Sanctification
    Satisfaction
    Selfishness
    Self Love
    Self-love
    Service
    Sex
    Sexism
    Sexuality
    Sexual Response
    Sexual Response
    Shame
    Sin
    Singing
    Snobbery
    Soldier
    Sovereignty
    Stalking
    Stephen Hawking
    Step-parenting
    Strong
    Success
    Succubus
    Suicide
    Swearing
    Sword
    Teenagers
    Temper
    Temptation
    Tenth Ave North
    Testing
    Theology
    Thinking
    Thomas Cogswell Upham
    Tim Tebow
    Tournament Male
    Tradition
    Trafficking
    Trapped
    Trauma
    Triggers
    Trust
    Truth
    U2
    Uncle Buddy
    Unity
    Violence
    Virtue
    Vulnerability
    Warrior
    Watchman Nee
    Waywardness
    What Is A Man
    Women
    Worry
    Worship
    Wussification
    Year In Review
    Zombies

    Archives

    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012

IRONSTRIKES

Men Forging Men