Over the years I had encounters with female and male partners up until High School, when I started dating a girl in the 10th grade. My worldview of love, relationships, and sex were so distorted because of pornography, that I eventually ended the relationship out of pure boredom and not feeling sexually satisfied with that individual, whom of course over the years I would still reach out to for "hook ups", in which case she would leave her home over an hour away, leaving her HUSBAND, and come to be with me for 20 minutes to 30 minutes, then drive home.
As Paul says in Romans 7:24 - I’m a miserable human being. Who will deliver me from this dead corpse? (CEB). I was a horribly depraved individual who only wanted to fulfill my fantasies with whoever would give it to me. It didn't help that just after High School, I joined a band and became the lead guitar player. I can still remember the names of every one of those individuals I had encounters with. I feel disgusting, mortified, and shameful.
Eventually I met my wife, and I quit the band while we were dating, but never came out to her about my problem. During our marriage counseling, I'd fill out the booklets how I WANTED to be. But not who I actually WAS. I deceived my wife from the get go.
It wasn't until October of 2016, when I walked into the doors of a Celebrate Recovery, hosted by my own church, did I come out about my problem. I literally felt the Holy Spirit pushing me to get up to that microphone, take a 24 hour chip, and say "Hi, my name is Bob, and I struggle with lust and pornography." From there on out, I hit my knees in prayer, confessed my sin to the Lord, and asked for his forgiveness, which I was so unaware that he had already given me by His sacrifice on the cross, and shed blood.
Just a few months later, in January of 2017, I was baptized, and gave my life, and heart fully to the Lord, but it has been a rollercoaster of a struggle. With each relapse, I learned more and more about the grace of God, and the need for continual prayer, as well as communication with my accountability partners and sponsors (I have two, and one struggles with same sex attraction).
Currently I am almost 30 days clean, and that is not without incredibly tough battles. Especially when I am not going to the Lord immediately in prayer, and thinking I can do things by my own strength and will power. It's only when I pray with all of my heart, that I truly feel protected, and free from the choking grasps of my sin.
This post was written by anonymous. Please pray for him that he will continue to seek God's plan and direction and that he would live a life of honesty and integrity.